Chapter Text
Kate, after Nightwatch (1x20)
She’s still not sure if the pain is worse if she’s sitting on the couch or lying flat on her back. She’s also not sure if the misery is worse if she’s sitting on the couch or lying flat on her back.
Whatever. It doesn’t matter. Because she’s lying flat on her back on the rug by the sliding doors to the balcony, because that’s where her misery decided to lie. And the thought of sitting up hurts too much to bear, so this is what she is doing for the foreseeable future.
Four days stretch endlessly in front of her. There’s the two days the doctor told her to stay still, and then the weekend, melding together into one barren stretch of nothing. Just Kate cataloguing her wounds, waiting until it’s time to take her next painkiller. Not to mention waiting for the misery to subside. That’s going to take a little longer.
Because right now nothing is okay and every single damn thing hurts. Every breath sends a little dagger stab to her wounded ribs. Every thought seems to do the same. It feels as if Lucy broke up with her all over again. And now, she can’t even bring herself to cry about it anymore tonight. But sleep doggedly refuses to hand out any respite, so she lies her in her misery in these small hours and waits it out.
Outside, in the star-speckled night, the steady light of a plane marches across the sky. She watches it until it disappears. She tells herself she’ll feel better by the time the next one passes. Because time heals all wounds and all that. She sighs and adjust her sling so it doesn’t pinch her shoulder. Why didn’t she bring a glass of wine down here to her misery picnic? The doctor probably wouldn’t like it, but Kate would. Another three planes pass, and she still feels exactly the same.
She’d thought they’d been edging towards something resembling okay. For a moment there it had felt as if this new, post-apology place contained some kind of possibility. When Lucy stepped in and hugged her that night, it had yanked the breath out of Kate. She barely had time to comprehend what was happening, or to take anything in but the unbearable familiar smell of Lucy up close before she was already relinquishing her grip on her. It was just long enough for Kate to recall the intoxicating intimacy of knowing the exact scent of someone’s else’s skin. She dined on that hug for days—longer than she should have.
And now they are even worse off than before. And Kate is more miserable than before. How much longer will it be before she can get over this? Because there’s nothing more lonely than missing constant orbit of someone close to you all because you ruined it. Just when Kate was starting to think that here, on this island, happiness was something that could be more than just a possibility, she ruined it.
Lucy loved her.
Lucy loved her and it’s not supposed to matter anymore.
Not even enough for Kate to be able to tell Lucy that she loved her, too.
When did it even happen? Kate knows when she realised she loved her, but she also knows that when she realised and when she loved Lucy are two different times and places. Not that it matters now, she supposed. She just wonders, sometimes. Because for all her breathless, brilliant force, some things about Lucy have come as stealth attack. Like Kate’s feelings for her, blindsiding her with both their existence and ferocity.
The last place she expects her mind to flick to is that very first weekend that they met. It was the day of her flight home, when Lucy forced her out of bed and into a hot, muggy Hawaiian day, because she wasn’t about to let Kate leave without showing her this magical place she’d only just discovered herself. That day, Lucy held all kinds of island curiosities up to the light for her. And just when Kate thought Lucy could cram no more in, she drove her to this place by the coast, where they climbed up a short cliff to look out over a glittering sweep of water. Kate stared at the view and tried to imagine life in this place, a barely-there possibility presented in a meeting a few days ago. Even though she couldn’t, the feeling was buttressed by these small shimmers of hope.
At that moment on the cliff, she realised that Lucy wasn’t looking at the view. She was looking at Kate. “You like?” she asked her.
“I love it.”
She smiled. “Good.”
And then Kate was looking at her instead of the view, too.
Maybe, without knowing it, that was the first time it became a possibility. Some recognition that this girl with the giant eyes and generous mouth who treated life like one big adventure, could mean something more to her if they’d only got a chance. And as the hours inched closer to her flight, she was consumed with the tingling awareness that she didn’t want to let her go. And if she didn’t have to leave here, she probably wouldn’t have.
Kate, a few months earlier, some time before Lost (1x10)
It always starts the same way. A snuffle, a sigh, a head burrowed deeper under a pillow.
“Mm,” Lucy moans from somewhere under a pillow, the usual Sunday announcement of her entrance to the day.
“Hey,” Kate whispers, lowering her book. “I thought I heard the beast awakening.”
“Ha ha.” She rolls over to face Kate, eyes still firmly shut.
“Good morning.” Kate clears some curls from Lucy’s cheek, smoothing them back onto the pillow.
Finally, Lucy’s eyes blink open. A second later, she reaches up and slaps the book out of Kate’s hands.
“Okay then.” Kate laughs and puts it on the bed stand. “Would you like some attention?”
“Mm, naw.” Lucy rolls over to face the other way again. “I’m over it.”
“Oh sure.” Kate teases, easing herself down the bed. She stamps a series of kisses into the space between Lucy’s shoulder blades. “Coffee?”
“Not yet.” Then Lucy grabs Kate’s wrist and pulls on her arm until it’s wrapped around her waist. “Better.”
“You’re extremely bossy in the mornings.”
“I know,” she says, matter-of-fact. Then she yawns extravagantly. “What are you doing this morning?”
Kate nuzzles her face into her neck. “Hanging out with you? If you want to?”
“I suppose that’s okay.”
Kate smiles. Her hands slide between Lucy’s thighs. “Well, if it’s not…”
The next time Kate sees Lucy’s eyes open, she seems to be immediately awake. Her arms stretch high over her head. “Let’s go out for brunch,” she mumbles through a yawn.
“Oh.” Kate frowns. “Okay.”
“Gee, the enthusiasm.”
Kate puts her book down, unsure what to say.
“Oh. Right.” Lucy lets out a slow breath and nods. “Don’t worry, we can go somewhere that no one we know goes.”
“Okay.” Relieved, Kate kisses her cheek. “Let’s do it. I’ll shower.” Under the hot jets, Kate rinses the shampoo from her hair and smiles to herself. It’s still kind of hard to believe that this is her new normal. Well, normal-ish. Waking up with Lucy in her bed. Planning a Sunday with a woman for whom even brunch is some sort of event. Hell, waking is an event. Life looms larger, somehow, with Lucy.
When she gets back to the bedroom, Lucy’s back to snoozing. Kate leans over her, letting drops from her hair land on Lucy’s cheeks. “Hey, don’t fall asleep again.”
Lucy flinches and swipes at her face. “I won’t.” Her eyes fall closed.
Kate shakes her head, making more drops fall. “Are you going to shower?”
“Maybe.” Lucy presses her hands to Kate’s cheeks and pulls her down closer to kiss her. “I’ll get ready on one condition.”
“Mhm?”
“We come back to bed after brunch.”
Kate gives her a teasing smile. “Well, this is looking like a jam-packed day already.”
“Unless you have better plans?”
“Even if I did, I wouldn’t have them anymore.” She steps over to her dresser and pulls out some clothes. When she drops her towel on the bed, there’s a long, low whistle.
Kate laughs. Fully aware of Lucy lying there, arms behind her head, sleepily watching her, she takes her time dressing. Finally, she pulls on her t-shirt. “Hey, I’ve got an idea.”
“What?”
“Let’s go for a drive.” She runs a brush through her damp hair. “What about we pick up some food and coffee for a picnic brunch and then a walk. Maybe Ka-ena point?”
There’s a beat. Then Lucy nods. “Sure, okay.”
Sensing her hesitation, Kate frowns. “Is that too much? We can just go somewhere local if you prefer.”
“No, it’s a nice idea.” She smiles. “Let’s do it. ”
“Great.” Kate waits for Lucy to move, but she just lies there, staring out the window, biting her bottom lip. “So?” Kate says slowly
“So what?”
“You going to shower?”
“Maybe.” Lucy gives her a sly smile and beckons. “If you come here a minute first.”
“Uh, uh.” Kate shakes her head. “No way.” If she goes anywhere near her right now, they’ll never leave this place.
“No?”
“Get out of bed, then I come to you.”
“Hmph.” She slides out of bed, pouting.
They perch on a log on the edge of the carpark, eating breakfast burritos and drinking coffee and looking at the great green peaks that line the coast as far as you can see.
“Well, this doesn’t suck,” Lucy says, tipping her face towards the sun.
“So you're okay with all this ocean proximity?”
“As long as there is no prospect of me going in, or falling in, I’m okay.”
“Not around here. The waves up here are terrifying.”
“Aren’t you a surfer now? Shouldn’t you be all into the north shore waves?”
“I’ve learned to surf. And not enough to enjoy the types of waves that are constantly trying to kill you.”
“I had this great aunt whose favourite hobby was telling you about things that could kill you.” Lucy flaps a hand. “Everything was a death trap, according to Aunt Rayna. Walking to store by yourself, standing under a tree, not going to church, buses, of course, the entire male species that wasn’t blood relative and, for some reason, shopping carts—even when used for their intended purposes only. And lest you should doubt her, she had a grisly, illustrative anecdote to proffer as proof of you possible imminent death in each scenario.” She grins and wraps up the remainder of her food. “The sheer force of her need to see death in everything once even propelled her to utter the word tampon, once. To tell me that using them could kill me—while they stole my virginity of course.”
Kate laughs. She’s learned to love a Lucy tangent. “She sounds dire.”
“She was.”
“It’s amazing you turned out such a daredevil.”
“Nothing like telling a girl she can’t do something to get her to do something.”
Kate finishes her coffee and watches Lucy stares out at the rocky shoreline, her eyes half-closed against the sun. She loves these moments, the spark and bubble of time spent with this woman. She makes Kate feel lighter, looser, more aware of the air against her skin.
Lucy turns and gives her a sun-struck smile. “Want to walk?”
“Let’s do it.”
The path is a gravel strip stretching between a steep rise and the rock-laden coast. Occasionally, walkers pass them, coming the other way, but they are mostly alone. They mostly walk in silence, leaving the crash of waves to dominate.
"Every time I do something like this," Lucy says at one point. "I tell myself that I should do things like this more often. Then I don't do things like this more often."
"Me too." Kate smiles and takes her hand as they stop to take in a view. But maybe now she has someone to do them with, she will.
Near the end of the trail, they climb above the path onto a narrow track until they find the perfect ledge to sit on. The view rushes away from them, steadfastly unbroken until the distant shapes of some islands.
Sweaty but satisfied, Kate sips her water and lets her eyes close against the sun’s brightness. She smiles as she feels the soft drift of lips across her cheek. “Hey, do you remember this?” Lucy whispers.
“Do I remember what?”
“Me taking you here.”
“What? When?” She blinks her eyes open.
“That first weekend. When we met. I took you here on our last day, before you caught the plane. We didn’t do the walk. We just came from the carpark behind here.” Lucy points.
“That was here?” Kate’s mouth falls open. “I didn’t realise.” That afternoon is just a hazy montage of places and meals and sights, all cobbled together by Lucy’s smile. Certain things come to her sometimes: the taste of guava, the feel of Lucy’s hand in hers as they strolled through Waikiki, freed by being a strangers in a strange town, the sparkling immensity of the ocean somewhere—here, apparently.
“I thought maybe that was why you chose it.”
Kate shakes her head. “I had no idea where I was that day.” She smiles. “All I was thinking about was that I was looking at the ocean with this beautiful woman I was about to never see again” She slides an arm around her waist.
“Oh, smooth.”
“Also true.
Back at the carpark, Lucy leans against the car and stretches her arms above her head. “That was kinda lovely.” She pulls off her light sweater, stripping down to a tank top.
Kate moves close, tracing her fingers lightly up and down Lucy’s arms. “You’re kind of lovely.” She leans down and kisses her. “Also, I need to see your shoulders bared often.” She grins. “Respectfully, of course.”
Lucy pulls a face. “Respectfully, you actually see all of me very often. But you need to see my shoulders?”
“The heart wants what the heart wants.” Kate shrugs and grins. “So, respectfully, yes.”
“The heart, huh?” Lucy laughs pulls her in for another kiss, and then another until Kate is pressing her against the car. The sound of voices somewhere close ring out.
Kate whips her head up. It’s a group of people returning from a walk, arguing loudly about a map they’re holding. She steps back. “Let’s go.”
The road back to town is flat and dull in places. That’s the part the tourist brochures don’t show you, the stretches of boredom or scruff, between the many moments of spectacular. Kate turns on the radio, but turns it off a moment later, sending the car back to silence.
“You’re quiet,” she finally says.
“So?”
“So?” She glances at Lucy and grins. “It’s kinda weird.”
Lucy sighs, starts to say something and stops. “Never mind.”
“What? Say it.”
She draws in a breath and lets it out slowly. “I don’t want to make a thing of it. I know I signed on for this.”
“For what?”
She bites her lip. “It doesn’t mean it’s not weird for me, being kept a secret. Doing things like driving all the way across the island to have breakfast so no one sees us.”
For a second, Kate just blinks. “Lucy, that’s not why we came here.”
“It’s not?”
“No, it’s not.”
“Oh, okay.” She doesn’t exactly sound convinced though.
Kate reaches over and clasps her hand. “Yes, I said I want to keep it from people from work. But this, today, wasn’t some plan to get us as far away from being seen as I could. It wasn’t even the first thing I thought. Or the second or the third. Today was about us.” She takes the opportunity that is banked up traffic to turn and look her straight in the eye. “I just thought it would be nice to go for a drive. To eat brunch somewhere beautiful. Just, hang out.” She squeezes her wrist. “I don’t know, make a memory together.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
Lucy’s eyes go soft. She smiles. “Cheesy.”
Kate shrugs. “I can be cheesy, sometimes. Deal with it.”
Fingers slide between Kate’s. “Well that’s okay then.”
Kate smiles. “Okay, good.”
The traffic starts moving. Lucy leans forward and puts on the radio again. “I don’t think I ever told you about my Great Uncle Rex, husband to the Great Aunt harbinger of Doom, did I? He collected bubble gum wrappers.”
Kate smiles. “No, please tell me about Uncle Doom and his collection of bubble gum wrappers.”
And so she does.
Thanks for reading! Parts of this fic, as well as my other, The First Time, have been adapted into a book called The Best Mistake, by Emily O'Beirne. Obviously it's been adapted to meet legal requirements, but it's based on these stories.