Chapter Text
Just when she’d thought she was going to have a nice, relaxing day before having to brave the crowded airport to get back home, her plans had gone all to hell. But as Osha sat there at the counter and had her first homemade meal since summer, she had to admit all the stress had been worth it. It was already nice enough that Qimir had helped her get her laundry done, but then he’d brought her into his home, a place where not a single other person in his life had been.
She didn’t have to question why he’d allow her of all people into his private space; maybe they didn’t speak about the situation between them, but it was always there just the same, hovering in the background. In a way, they were already sort of dating; they spent a lot of time together, more time than she spent with Mae outside of their room. And even when they were just waving at each other across the quad, there would still be that feeling of tension, like a string being pulled taut, stretched been them. Now that she had the honor of being the first person he’d ever brought home with him, she wasn’t sure she could deny that they were seriously toeing the line between friendship and something else.
Qimir was the most beautiful man she’d ever seen in her life, and probably would ever see – especially now that she’d gotten an accidental glimpse of more. Osha shouldn’t have been anywhere near that bathroom while he’d been showering, but she’d been too caught up with looking around his place. It was hard to believe a twenty-year-old guy lived there with how sparkling clean everything was, how orderly and minimal. There was no TV, and the walls were bare save for a huge wooden cross hung above the doorway, and the framed picture of a much younger Qimir and the woman he always spoke so fondly about.
His Lola was a small, frail looking woman, her salt and pepper hair thick even in her old age. She only came up to his chest, but she had the vibe that said she would take no nonsense, regardless of her size. She could see the similarities in their faces, both exquisitely boned liked marble carvings, and she wondered which one of his parents he took most after; that, and why he had no pictures of them on the wall. But they hadn’t really tackled that subject yet, and it’d been such a good day so far, she wasn’t about to ruin it by bringing up his dead parents.
And she was especially not going to ask about the jagged scars that ran halfway up his back.
As she took another bite of her dinner, she glanced over to see why Qimir’s hands were so much busier than her own. He was doing something with a fork and spoon, and she watched as he used them to peel away the meat from a large bone that was sitting in his bowl.
“Why is yours different?”
“Oh, I uh…this is how we usually eat it. I just made it easier for your first time.”
“So is that like the equivalent of someone cutting up a steak for you?”
“I guess,” he said with a grin. He held up his utensils for her. “We don’t really use knives, just these. It takes getting used to.”
“Maybe you should show me how to do it the right way. For next time?”
His eyes locked onto hers, very clearly registering what she’d said. She did mean it, but she’d mostly just wanted to see his reaction. He was far more expressive when it was just the two of them, and she liked seeing how his face showed each new emotion. He was so gorgeous when he was happy.
“Ok. Just watch me.”
He walked her through what he was doing, and even let her try a bit, but she had a bad grip on the spoon and she splashed some soup across the counter. It was embarrassing, but he didn’t seem to care she’d made a mess in his spotless kitchen. Her alarm for the end of her wash cycle went off, and despite him repeatedly offering to toss everything in the dryer for her, she dashed out and did herself before coming back to finish lunch. She asked him more about the things he liked to cook, and every time he said something in Tagalog, she got a fluttery feeling in her stomach.
She’d never actually heard the language before – not that she could remember, at least. And maybe she was just biased, but it was kind of sexy. When the landlord had shown up earlier, she almost hadn’t recognized Qimir’s voice until she’d peeked around the corner and saw him. At the time, she’d been worried it wasn’t ok for her to be there, so she’d just waited out of sight, and couldn’t help but listen to them speaking. She’d definitely caught one word in particular, and no translation was needed for what he'd told the old man: Qimir had called her his girlfriend.
She’d never been a girlfriend before. Technically, she still wasn’t, but that was all a matter of perspective, wasn’t it? Because no matter how many times she insisted they were just friends, she knew deep down they were more than that.
And it was so hard not to want more. He was too sweet, too caring, and every cell in her body seemed to yearn for him. Maybe it was just inexperience, but she’d never felt that kind of magnetic attraction before, and she couldn’t help but wonder if she might have already found her perfect match. Her mothers had been high school sweethearts, so it wasn’t the craziest thought. Could it be that she’d just gotten so lucky as to find the right person on the first try?
Again and again, she’d been second-guessing herself about why she’d even asked for time in the first place. They were so good together; they made each other happy. Was she just wasting precious time they could be sharing by being too afraid to really start a relationship? The thing they had now –their friendship filled with sexual tension – it was working, in its own way. And he’d reaffirmed less than an hour ago that he was fine with however long she wanted to wait. Things were good the way they were going, but she just couldn’t stop wanting more.
She wanted to know what his plush lips felt like against hers. She wanted to know what his skin felt like under her hands. She wanted to know what had happened to his family that left him so alone in the world. She wanted to know what – or who – had left those scars on him.
Osha wanted all of him, and the only one keeping from that was herself.
It would be so easy to drop it. She just had to say the words – or better yet, she just had to lean forward and kiss him, and nothing would be off limits anymore.
“You need to stop,” he said suddenly, jarring her from her thoughts.
She’d been staring at him, she realized, and a flush bloomed across her cheeks. Qimir turned to her, eyes dark and knowing, full lips curled slightly upward as he swallowed.
“I’m starting think you enjoy teasing me, Osha.”
That only made her turn redder, and the dark chuckle that rumbled from his throat made her stomach clench.
“I’m sorry,” she mumbled, clearing her throat. “I don’t mean to.”
“I’d like it better if you did.”
Her jaw went slack at his comment, but he only raised an eyebrow in challenge.
“What would you say if I told you I changed my mind?” Osha asked, rushing the words out before she lost her nerve completely. “That I wanted to –,”
“I’d say ‘not yet’.”
Now she was beyond confused. Was he trying to frustrate her on purpose? She was trying to bare herself to him, and he was cracking a joke?
“W-what? Why? You said if I needed less time – you said it earlier!”
“And I meant it. But you don’t.”
“I don’t what?”
“You don’t really mean that you’re ready. It’s been one month. I’m not about to believe you’re just suddenly alright. That sort of thing takes time. We would only distract you.”
He was right. The stupidly handsome man so nonchalantly finishing his lunch beside her was right. With her thoughts in disarray, Osha finished the last few spoonsful of the sinigang, trying to pull herself together.
“I’m so confused. I keep thinking I know what I want, and then you come and show me how I’m completely wrong. I feel so turned around, and I feel so guilty. I feel like you don’t deserve to be held at arm’s length just because I’m messed up.”
“You’re not messed up,” Qimir countered quickly, turning his full attention on her. “Don’t ever say that. You’re exactly how you should be after what you went through.”
She was surprised enough by the sudden passion in his voice that she nodded immediately, mentally promising that she’d never call herself that again.
“And there’s nothing to feel guilty about. If you weren’t in my life, even as just a friend, I’d be alone right now. And all those times we spent together during the last month? I would have been alone for those, too. That was a choice I made for myself long before I knew you, so how could that be your fault? If anything, you’ve made my life fuller in one month than anyone else has in years.”
Osha’s heart was racing at the things he was saying – had she really done that? It had felt like so little to give, and yet it meant so much to him. Qimir reached out to take her hand, and she let it go lax, let him mold it how he wanted. He pressed his own hand against it, palm to palm, and they both marveled at the difference between them. Not for the first time, Osha felt so small compared to him, and she loved it.
“I know what you’re feeling, why you want this now. I feel it, too. I’m drowning just like you, Osha.”
He wrapped his hand around her pointer and middle fingers, then brought them to his mouth, pressing the pads of them to his lips so softly, she almost didn’t feel it. There was a wonderful ache in her chest as they touched, and her breath came out in shuddering little bursts.
“Every minute I spend with you makes it worse. But I know it’s not worth rushing. And maybe I’m having fun with this new game.”
“I wasn’t aware we were playing any games,” Osha breathed out in a shaky voice. “Enlighten me.”
Those nearly black eyes drilled into hers, and she felt like he was reading her thoughts. His thumb caressed over the knuckles of the hand still so tenderly held by his own, and she felt that touch all the way down to her very core.
“It’s the game where we push each other until one of us breaks. And I have to tell you, Osha. It’s not going to be me.”
She shot up to her feet then, startling him and scaring herself more.
“My stuff is done, I have to –,”
She didn’t even bother finishing the sentence before she turned and rushed outside, even forgetting her shoes. The cold pavement under her feet diffused most of her flush on impact, but inside, she was still burning red hot.
How the fuck did he do that?
The alarm she’d set for her last dryer load did go off right then, and she latched onto reality long enough to get herself back into the laundry room, then used the little table provided for folding. The repetitive actions helped calm her, and little by little, she felt a smile blooming across her face. Then, when she pulled Qimir’s sweater out of the folding pile, she couldn’t stop herself – she giggled, like a little girl. A giddiness suffused her body down to the bone, and she felt she was vibrating with a manic glee.
He was an absolute menace; he’d literally admitted to toying with her on purpose, just to see what she’d do – or rather, what he could make her do. It wasn’t manipulation – it was just flirting on a level she’d never experienced, and she was really starting to like it. And how could she deny how many times she’d tested him? She’d felt a little guilty afterwards every time, but now that she knew it was mutual? That was probably the sexiest thing about it. It was no doubt due to her age, her inexperience, but she’d never felt as desired and accepted like she did with Qimir. He made it beyond obvious that the nervous excitement was the same for him whenever she got the upper hand.
Osha had started her day thinking how complicated their situation was, and how unfair it seemed to him. But she was going to finish it with the knowledge that she was actually in a win-win situation. She liked it, he liked it, and they agreed it was more important – and also more exciting – to continue it at the pace she’d already set. She’d sworn off dating until the start of her Junior year at Olega U, and that was more than half a year away. Now, it wasn’t so much of a deadline as it was a goalpost.
The time between that moment and the arrival of the next school year was going to be next to impossible to keep platonic – not with a man like Qimir, who could melt her like butter with just a few words. But dammit if she wasn’t going to try, if only to prove him wrong.
Osha would not break. She was going to give as good as he did, and more. And when he broke first, when he crossed that invisible line between friendship and relationship, she was going to gloat about it for the rest of her life.
With all of her folded clothes in the bag, she pulled the drawstring closed, then began to haul it back to the apartment. But the moment she stepped through the threshold, Qimir was there, and he immediately insisted on taking it from her. She let him do it, now understanding he had manners so far drilled into him, it was useless to refuse his help.
“You want me to take you back right now? I’m fine with that if you need to go. I know you have things to do.”
“I think that’s probably best. Sorry I can’t stay longer.”
She really did mean that; she’d enjoyed the hours spent at his apartment. It was private, quiet, and she felt comfortable in his space. If anything, she was already looking forward to her next visit.
“I understand. You’ll have a long day tomorrow, I’m sure.”
After grabbing her purse from inside, Osha slipped into the passenger seat of his ridiculously clean car. It was an older model, fairly plain, but in excellent condition. Most of the cars she saw in the lot at school were at either end of a spectrum: a pure beater, or a flashy gas-guzzler. Qimir’s was more practical than anything, very much like him, and the comparison amused her.
“You really like cleaning, don’t you?” She finally asked. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything like it. There’s not a speck of dust anywhere in here, or in the apartment – nothing!”
“It’s a nervous habit actually. It only looks like this because I cleaned everything this morning.”
“What were you nervous about?”
“What do you think I was nervous about?” Qimir asked in response, giving her a pointed look from the corner of his eye.
The drive back was quiet after that; she had no idea what to say, and by the way he was worrying at his bottom lip, he didn’t either. In less than five minutes, he was already parked and getting out to grab her bag. It was a short walk to her dorm, and they spent it in silence, the atmosphere around them growing more and more tense. When they reached the stoop, he went up all the way to the door, and when he glanced towards it, then back to her, she knew what he was secretly asking.
Was she going to invite him inside?
Any other day, they’d already be climbing the stairs, but she still had to pack for home, and she had other people to say goodbye to. She had to call it a night if she wanted to get any kind of rest before the frantic rush to make their flight.
“Thank you for helping me,” she said, and without needed any other answer, he set the bag down at her feet. “I really appreciate you saving the day – and it was really nice just hanging out with you.”
“I’m happy I was here for you. And I liked it, too. I hope you’ll come by once in a while when you get back. You’re always welcome.”
There was a long beat of silence then, and she watched the smile fade from Qimir’s face. The winter break would be harder on him, left alone with no one to see or talk to. She was already resolved to text him as often as possible, maybe even call. She wasn’t a phone person really, but this guy was already the exception to so many things, why not that, too?
With a big burst of courage, Osha leaned forward and wrapped her arms around his waist, hugging him close. They’d never done it before, and while it had seemed such an innocuous thing to do, she immediately realized how important a step it was for them both.
“Don’t miss me too much, ok?”
His reaction was immediate – Qimir pulled her so tightly against him, it made her breath escape in a little gasp. She felt completely enveloped by him, his thickly corded arms wrapped over her back, his torso so hot and firm against her own. It was like she’d imagined when she’d put that sweatshirt on, but so much better, and even if she was struggling to inhale, she didn’t want him to relent an inch.
“Don’t ask me for the impossible,” Qimir whispered, and she felt a shiver zip up her spine as his breath scraped harshly at the shell of her ear.
And then he leaned back just slightly, with his strong arms still coiled around her, and Osha felt her feet lift off the ground. It was just for a moment, just a fleeting feeling of weightlessness, and then she was back on the ground, dizzy with shock. In halting movements, Qimir released his hold on her, and when she was free enough to look up at him, he looked completely dazed and unfocused. Once again, they’d both been caught off guard, swept up in their own little world. This wonderful, electric feeling between them was so good, so addictive, and she was suddenly grateful for the distance she was about to put between them.
They needed to pump the breaks, and as Qimir blinked himself back to reality and met her gaze, she could tell he’d realized the same thing. Nothing about that embrace had been platonic – it had been something so much more. That thread that tied them together was thicker than before, and pulling away from him became a much harder thing to do.
But she did it anyway.
Osha smiled at him, leaning down to pick up her bag.
“Let me know when you land?”
“Yeah,” she said, though she planned to update him a lot more frequently than that. “I hope you make it to Yord’s.”
“We’ll see.”
She just laughed, wanting their last moments to be happy. Even if it was only a few weeks, she was really going to miss seeing his face every day.
“Goodbye.”
“Bye, Osha.”
Hefting her bag onto her shoulder, she turned and keyed the door open, then stepped inside the dorm lobby, nodding to the security guard on duty. As she approached the stairs, she glanced back towards the glass doors, unsurprised to find Qimir still standing there. He waved, and she smiled, and up the stairs she went. He was gone by the time she reached the second floor.
Osha continued on up the next flight, and pushing open the door to her room, she arrived to a whirlwind of clutter and half-packed luggage strewn about the room, and Mae nowhere in sight.
“What the hell?”
She would be having a lot of fantasies about the things that had happened during her visit to Qimir’s: that salacious glimpse of his body, being called his girlfriend, not to mention the threat of him purposely driving her crazy with flirting once she got back from break. But the one fantasy she was focused on right then was to live in a place that literally sparkled clean, without a single thing out of place.
God what she would give for that.
****
I stole ur sweatshirt again. Hope you don’t mind.
Osha had stolen a lot more than that during her visit, but Qimir was not about to tell her that over a text.
I think it’s yours now.
Several minutes passed without a reply, and he finally accepted she might not be able to text back. While it was still early for him, she was either still busy with packing or goodbyes, or she’d already gone to sleep. She and Mae did have an early flight…
Qimir forced himself to put his phone down, then walked over to the picture of Lola, the one Osha had been looking at when he’d accidentally given her a show. He’d been sixteen in the picture, still a little awkward, his face still full from lingering baby fat. It had been taken on her last birthday, but only four months later, she was gone. Even as he looked at her face, he couldn’t see any trace of the sickness that had taken her so suddenly, but he’d since learned that heart disease wasn’t always apparent in women – not until it was too late.
It still hurt. It would probably always hurt, even more than when she’d told him his parents had died. She’d raised him for so much of his life that it hadn’t felt like he’d really known them, not at all like he knew Lola. It really had just been the two of them against the world, going through the nightmare that was immigration, how hard she’d had to work for the hotel company that had sponsored her, and how they’d had to assimilate into a whole new world without anyone to really guide them. Everything had been trial and error for the first two years, both of them figuring out their paths in two wildly different phases of life. But while neither of them could really relate to the struggles of the other, that difference had only brought them even closer. Even if they didn’t fit into the world around them, they always belonged to each other.
Qimir reached out and rubbed the frame of the picture like he usually did, always in the same spot right beside her face.
She would have loved Osha.
Behind him, his phone buzzed, and he hurried over to check it.
Ok it’s ours.
He felt himself grinning dumbly as he read those three simple words. Maybe he’d kept his composure earlier when he’d playfully taunted her about their new game, but he’d been a hair’s breadth away from kissing her. He thought about the feel of her fingertips against his lips, and groaned aloud as he felt himself reacting. No, he wasn’t going to give in to temptation tonight. He had to control himself.
Instead of walking to his bedroom for relief, he headed on a very different route. It was cold and windy outside, but he shuffled out to his car, backing it up until he could access the storage cabinets mounted the wall of the carport. He rarely went in it, the boxes only holding some of Lola’s belongings that he’d opted not to bring into the house, but couldn’t quite part with yet. He moved all of the aside until he revealed the thing he’d come for.
Lola’s parol.
Back inside, he devised a way to hang it from the front window of his apartment, then plugged it in, praying it still worked. When the multicolored lights came to life and sparkled against the tinsel and colored glass, his eyes went watery. It wasn’t the same one they’d had back in Manila; there’d been no way for it to safely make the trip, let alone find a place to keep it. It had been left with a neighbor, and once they’d settled a bit in their new country, she’d managed to find a new one at the Asian grocery store he still made the half hour drive to every other week. When she’d hung it in the window of their dank, one bedroom apartment, he’d felt like a piece of home had been restored to them, and they’d both cried watching it glisten and flash. He’d slept on an air mattress in their living room back then, so every night, he’d fall asleep to the comforting glow.
When Lola had passed, he had stopped celebrating Christmas altogether. Even when he’d found his current apartment, where he’d found a warm welcome from the other families who lived there, he still hadn’t put it up. It just hadn’t felt right; what was there to celebrate when the last of his family was gone?
But this year? This year there was definitely something to celebrate.
The parol danced with shimmering colors, and he smiled, letting that light fill a place inside of him he hadn’t realized was still empty. Lola was gone, and she could never be replaced – but Osha had made a home for herself inside of him just beside that missing piece.
For the first Christmas in four years, Qimir felt like he was no longer alone. And as if on cue, his phone pinged once again, and he walked over to find something he hadn’t received from Osha since they’d met: a picture.
She was wearing the sweatshirt, so large on her smaller frame, her delicate collarbone peeked out from underneath the collar. It was obvious that she was lying down, holding her phone above her, a glimpse of a future sight he craved to see: Osha below him in bed.
Thanks for keeping me warm tonight
He honestly had no idea if she’d meant the pic or her words to be so sexy, but he very much did not care. All that mattered was that he now had something to look at when the emptiness of the coming days became too much to bear, something to remind him that he had the attention of a girl who had brought light back into his life. Could he risk telling her that she would be keeping him warm, too?
It was too soon. He had to keep reminding himself that it had only been a month since they’d started talking. They’d taken new steps during her visit, but they were still miles from anything he could realistically call a relationship. He had to be careful with his heart – he couldn’t risk it breaking again so soon after such a devastating loss.
And yet, he couldn’t stop himself from replying with a single word, one that contained a multitude of hopes for what might lie ahead of them, and the intentions he’d made so very clear to her just hours before. She would understand what he was saying with those two little syllables– he knew she would. He could even imagine the smile it would bring to her lovely face, the same one he was already staring at under the colorful lights of the parol. It was a risk – but so was falling in love, wasn’t it?
Always.