Chapter Text
2026
Jack wakes with his alarm, annoyed at the intrusion just when he’d really fallen asleep. He is surprised to find that he’s slept for three hours. It’s nowhere near enough to power him through a night shift, but as it’s coming on 1800, it’s all he’ll get.
He goes through the motions of feeding the cats and pours himself some cereal that he eats in his wheelchair next to the fridge. He’s not hungry but he knows better than to go into work on an empty stomach. In his mind, his conversation with Robby plays on repeat.
He knows he didn’t give Robby much of a chance to defend himself. But he’d looked so goddamn guilty, like he couldn’t meet Jack’s eyes.
Well, it’s all out in the open now. He’s glad, though. He’s glad it’s out there, that they can hash this out sooner than later. At least sooner than Jack stepping out of Robby’s elevator to see movers pulling his furniture out through the apartment door.
As he’s packing his bag for work, he finally pulls his phone off the charger and looks at his notifications. Five missed calls from Robby since he left his apartment. Eleven texts.
What the fuck
Jack come on come back over
we need to talk
Fine, you’re probably asleep.
I hope you’re asleep right now
You better be
call me when you get up
I really don’t know what Dana said but you obviously heard the wrong thing.
pelase call me
I’m getting worried, call me
You don’t even have to talk I just want to hear you breathing
Jack sighs. He knows that he was kind of a dick, just leaving Robby’s place like that and not paying attention to his phone. Robby sounds really worried. He thinks about the handful of times Robby’s found him on the hospital roof, the slice of fear in his eyes before he understands that Jack’s not planning on jumping – he just wants some kind of affirmation that he’s still alive.
He opens the text thread. He types and deletes a few different messages before settling on something efficient.
I’m alive, heading into work. See you at handoff.
He shoves his phone into his pocket and heads into the garage to drive into work.
***
Ellis can tell something is up right away. She waits until he’s finished receiving the handoff from one of the newer senior residents, Davis, before saying anything.
“Something eating you, boss?”
“What makes you say that?” he asks, surveying the board. They can probably get Central 7 and South 5 discharged soon, and North 4 is up in CT. Shen’s waiting to receive an incoming heart attack in progress. Wilson, a third-year resident, is out in chairs with their MS3, Ginger.
“I don’t know.” She shrugs. “You just seem kinda down.”
He sighs. “I’m fine, Ellis. Don’t worry about me.”
She snorts. “That ever work? Just telling someone that?”
He chuckles dryly. “Got me there. Look, it’ll keep. Let’s go see if Shen needs help, then you head over to Central 14 and see if you can try your hand at our mystery emetic.”
Ellis rolls her eyes. “You always get me the nicest things.”
They see a steady stream of patients, through the ambulance drop-offs and the callbacks from chairs. Jack runs a burst appendix, sending the woman up to surgery once they get her stabilized. Shen catches an opioid overdose, though this one is luckily saved with a roommate’s quick thinking and administration of Narcan. Wilson discharges a handful of typical cold and flu cases, flu season stretching toward the spring months.
By the time there’s a lull in traffic, it’s almost 0300. Jack takes a break at central to do some charting, get off his leg for a bit.
“It’s about Robby, isn’t it?” Ellis says, appearing out of nowhere.
“Christ, Ellis, don’t do that.”
“Aren’t you the badass Army captain? Bad – what is it, situational awareness? – on your part.” She leans against the counter next to him, a sucker in her mouth.
“Why does everyone think I was an officer?” He points his thumb at his chest. “Enlisted.”
Ellis snickers and Jack looks over at her suspiciously. “You do this on purpose, don’t you? Y’all have a group chat I’m not in.”
“Of course we do, boss. Come on. That’s how I know this is about Robby.”
“Oh, great, so you three are just in there chatting about my love life. I mean, my life.” He tries to correct quickly, but he winces. There’s no way Ellis hadn’t heard it. There are a few beats of silence. The sounds of the ED – the beeps, the gentle hisses, the roll of wheels – seep in.
“Can I be brutally honest?” Ellis asks.
“Is there anything I could say that would stop you?”
“No.”
He waves his hand for her to proceed.
“You need to get out of your own way. It’s kind of obvious that you’re in love with him. Don’t know why you two don’t just admit it and tell everyone already.”
Jack rubs his eyes and sighs. She means well, he tells himself. And he knows that’s true. Ellis is one of those residents he’d just immediately taken to and vice versa. And even though he gives her a hard time, he’s secretly delighted that she’s connected with Gwen and Emily. It’s like he’s raising his own army of badass attendings.
Ellis leans in closer, lowering her voice so none of the nurses or techs nearby can hear her. “You know, one night, when Em was in town, she got drunk off her ass. Well, we were both drunk, but she was far enough that she was telling stories.” Ellis smiles at the memory. “She started talking about Liz, how great she was, how much she missed her.”
Jack swallows. Emily and Liz had been good friends. They’d kept in touch after Emily and Zara had moved when Em’s residency was over. He’d have loved to keep her at the Pitt, but Zara had applied to a Ph.D. program in Washington, and in Em’s words, it was her turn.
Ellis continues. “She told me about a chat she’d had with Liz, about you and about Robby. This must have been maybe a year before she passed? Liz could see the way Robby looked at you, how he cared about you, the way he spoke about you.” She pauses, watching him process her words.
“She thought, back then, that he was in love with you. She felt bad, you know, because she was there with you and that you and Robby weren’t going to have a chance.”
Jack breaks in, “I never... I never cheated on her.”
Ellis shakes her head. “She never said you did. It was more about how she recognized how Robby felt and how she wondered what might have happened if things turned out differently. But she loved you and she knew you loved her. So even though she felt bad for Robby, she didn’t feel bad about getting to love you.”
Jack lets out a long breath. He’s having a hard time wrapping his mind about what Ellis is saying. Liz had noticed something in Robby, something that told her that Robby was in love with him. She’d never said anything to Jack. He’s pretty sure she wouldn't have said anything to Robby. Irrationally, he feels a spike of anger at her. Why didn’t she say anything? To think they could have maybe found some kind of footing with all these emotions…
But Jack knows immediately how ridiculous that would have been. He'd never cheated, not physically. But he also knows that he had been well-acquainted with that particular line. Despite how much he had and still loved Liz, and god, he fucking loved that woman, there had always been that pull to Robby. Even when he’d thought Robby was an asshole, even when they were biting each other’s heads off or challenging each other on the ED floor, there was something captivating about Robby.
“But he… he’s leaving,” Jack says, plaintively. Even if he could accept that Robby feels something deeper for him, enough that others can notice it, Robby’s still taking a job in another state.
“What are you talking about, boss?”
“He got a job offer, in the Twin Cities.”
“Oh. Wow. Didn’t expect that,” she says. Her face is full of pity and Jack cannot stand it. He doesn’t want to be on the receiving end of those looks again.
“Look, thank you for sharing your insight, Ellis. But this is a lot more complicated than just a confession of feelings. Let’s get back to –”
Ellis holds up her hand and Jack breaks off. “Wait, wait. Boss, you haven’t even told him?”
“Told him what?”
“Uh, how you feel, dumbass.”
“Hey! I’m still your attending.”
Ellis snorts. “Sure, we can play that game. I’m serious, boss. You need to tell him. Maybe he makes a different decision.”
Jack clears his throat. “I’ll take that under advisement. Now, let’s go, break’s over. I think we can clear a couple more beds before we get something else dropped in our lap.”
Ellis’s words are never far from his mind as he consults with the other residents and med students, checking in with Shen, running patients. Before he knows it, the sun is starting to come up. Almost time for handoff.
Jack feels a pull to head up onto the roof, to catch some fresh air, greet the day with the sun’s early rays on his face. But he suspects that’s only going to exacerbate the problems between Robby and him right now. He is very sure that Robby will not appreciate searching him out, only to find him feet away from certain death.
So when Robby walks in for handoff, Jack’s at central, joking with Bridget and Dana, who are just finishing up their own handoff. There’s a tight look in his eyes, and his mouth is set in a thin line, but otherwise, Robby gives no indication of his emotional state. Maybe his questions are a bit curt, his responses a bit short, but an observer probably wouldn’t think anything was amiss.
“Thank you, Dr. Abbot, day shift can take it from here,” he says, professional tone in place.
Jack nods to him and walks away, feeling like he just left his heart beating on the floor next to the counter at central. He’s about to step through the ambulance bay doors when Ellis catches up to him.
“You tell him, boss?”
He sighs. “Ellis…”
“Just trust me. Do me a favor and do it. I will never ask you for anything else.”
He looks at her with a raised eyebrow. “Just lying straight to my face now.”
“Ok,” she amends. “I won’t ask you for anything else today.”
“Go home, Parker. Get some sleep. And… thank you.”
She smiles at him and punches him in the arm. “I know you love me, boss,” she calls as she heads away toward her car in the lot.
He sits in the driver’s seat of his truck, the key in the ignition. He thinks about how that conversation will unfold. Will he actually have the guts to put it out there, what he really thinks? What he really wants? The thought terrifies him. What if he lays himself bare, what if Robby feels the same, but wants to leave anyway?
He’s loved three people in his life and he’s lost two already. What if his love is a curse? He can’t lose Robby, even if that means pulling away from what they have now.
***
He falls into bed when he gets home, absolutely exhausted. When he wakes more than six hours later, he’s grateful that he doesn’t remember any dreams. He sets about his house, cleaning out of a slight desperation to have something to do.
He finishes the dishes, vacuums and dusts the living room, even washing the bedding in his room and the guest room. He stands in the doorway of his office, his hands on his hips. The room is mostly clean and organized, there’s just some boxes in the closet he really needs to go through. He hasn’t wanted to before, because they’re all full of Liz.
Her clothes, her keepsakes, her books. The little reminders she’d left around the apartment that said she’d lived there, too. He’d mostly left them where they lay after she’d died, at first unwilling to part with the reminders of her, and then, well, laziness, probably. He’d packed them away separately during the move to the house, not wanting to donate or throw them out. Saving them for a day, maybe like today, when he’d have the strength to open them again.
The first box is clothes, mostly her professional wardrobe that she’d wear to court. Jack imagines he can still smell her perfume wafting up from the fabric. A box of her shoes, crushed after years of being all crammed together. A box of legal briefs and books, stuff he should probably shred or burn.
Then a box of notebooks. His breath freezes in his lungs. He’d somehow forgotten how much she loved to journal. The notebooks cover years of her life, reaching back way before she’d ever met Jack. He’d definitely not wanted to read or disturb them after she’d died, but Ellis’s story is fresh in his mind. And he’s got an insatiable feeling of curiosity nagging at him now.
He tears through the box, reading the dates on the notebooks, trying to find the more recent journals. He finds them in the middle, as he’d haphazardly tossed the books into the box when packing. He thumbs through a notebook that covers most of 2015. Tears well in his eyes as he reads her handwriting, hearing Liz’s voice in his head. She’d written about Robby a little, but mostly about his and Jack’s growing friendship and how surprised she’d been that it was actually happening.
He sets it aside and picks up the next one, which covers the rest of 2015 and into 2016. Reminiscences of Robby coming for dinner, bringing beers over for a Pens game, taking Liz to see a movie when Jack was working, gushing about the birthday gift he’d given her. Evidence that Liz and Robby had been friends, too, apart from him.
Then in the next notebook, stretching into 2016, he sees mentions of how close he and Robby had gotten, how in sync they’d seemed. ‘I’m so glad Jack has someone like Robby in his life’ is written right there on the page.
Then a few pages later, ‘Jack probably thinks it’s normal best friend stuff. But I can see the way Robby looks at him when he thinks no one’s watching. I can see how well they’d fit together. Hell, if it were someone else’s husband–’
The entry cuts off, like she’d gotten interrupted and she never went back to finish it. It’s so strange to read Liz’s words, to hear her talk about the possibility of him and Robby, almost like she would have approved, if she hadn’t been with Jack. Jack drops the notebook on the floor and walks to the living room.
As he looks out over the deck, he can recognize that he’s afraid. He doesn't have any excuses anymore. Liz is gone, for years now. There is nothing really standing between him and what he truly, desperately wants. What he’s wanted for a very long time.
But he’s so scared. Say he confesses the way he feels to Robby. Say Robby reciprocates, even. Will he go into work someday and see Robby wheeled in on a gurney? How can he sentence Robby to a life that could get cut short, all because he decided to love Jack?
And then he’s angry again, angry at a world where Liz isn’t alive anymore and where he and Robby had so many chances before and it’s all come down to this: Robby leaving anyway.
He doesn’t deserve more. Maybe Robby had cared about him like that at one point, but it’s clear he doesn’t anymore. Their arrangement is just one of convenience. He feels like a placeholder, someone to keep Robby’s bed warm until the next, better person comes along.
Jack appreciates what Ellis had been telling him, but this all happened years ago, before Liz’s death, before COVID and Monty’s death. Before all the things they’ve shared together when Robby’s response is just always, ‘it doesn’t have to mean anything.’
It's time for Jack to acknowledge that what Jack wants – something more with Robby – is never going to happen. It can’t happen. It’s time for him to move on.
***
Jack expects Robby when he walks into the house after his shift. He’d been tempted to get drunk, really drunk. But that wouldn’t have helped anything and Jack’s feeling too old for antics like that anyway. He’s sitting on the couch, petting Nutella next to him, pretending to read a journal article when Robby sits on his usual end of the couch.
Neither of them say anything for a few minutes, maybe waiting to give the other a chance to start. Robby jumps in first.
“I talked to Dana, figured out where the wires got crossed.”
Jack tosses the article pages and his reading glasses onto the coffee table and watches him, waiting for him to continue, to enlighten him on where he messed up, how he could somehow misinterpret this.
Robby shifts to face Jack, a pained look on his face. “I did get a job offer for Chief at Hennepin. Obviously. But I wasn’t going to take it. It didn’t matter to me, so I didn’t tell you.” He shrugs. “And someone must have overheard me on the phone or something, which led to the betting pool.” He looks down to watch Nutella wash his paws. “And Dana thought you knew, thought you’d want to clean up with your inside scoop.” He laughs, humorlessly.
Jack stares at Robby in disbelief. “You didn’t tell me because it didn’t matter? What are you talking about? That’s a big step up for you. I know you, Robby, I know how ambitious you are. You can’t tell me you don’t want it.”
Robby shrugs again, reaching over to scratch Nutella behind the ears. “I mean, sure, it’s a good offer. A lot of money. I don’t even hate the idea of the Twin Cities. But it’s… it’s not Pittsburgh.”
“So you’re just going to stay here in Pittsburgh for the rest of your life?”
“Are you?”
Jack scrunches his nose in confusion. Why would it matter whether he was staying in Pittsburgh?
“I mean, maybe? I haven’t honestly thought about it that far into the future. I like the work, the people, at least. But you aren’t even from here. What is so great about Pittsburgh?”
“You’re here,” Robby says, so quietly, Jack is sure he misheard him.
Jack snaps his eyes back to Robby’s, sees a glassy shine there. His blood is rushing in his ears and he has to struggle to hear Robby’s next words.
“I realized yesterday how badly I’ve fucked this up, Jack. Especially when you kept going on and on about how we were friends and how proud you were of me.”
“We are friends,” Jack says, not following Robby’s train of thought.
“Yeah, of course, but aren’t we more than that?”
Jack’s breath catches in his throat.
“When I talked to Dana earlier, asked her about the text, she read me the riot act. She told me years ago –”
Jack holds up a hand. “Wait, wait, I’m sorry, what? Years ago?”
Robby looks uncomfortable, rubbing the back of his neck, pink creeping into his cheeks. “I guess… I guess I was more obvious about my feelings than I’d thought. She figured it out pretty quick.”
“Your feelings?” Jack echoes faintly.
“My feelings,” Robby confirms and leans his head against his hand, his elbow propped up on the back of the couch. Nutella rises and stretches, then jumps down off the couch. Robby takes advantage of the vacated space to move closer to Jack. His expression is guarded as he reaches out his hand to lay across the back cushions, inches away from Jack’s shoulder.
“Did you know I begged Monty to call you for an interview?”
Jack raises an eyebrow. “Well, I was pretty sure you were the reason I got the interview. Didn’t know that it involved you begging.”
Robby lets out a long breath. “Fuck, you were so amazing in ’06. At that conference. I could tell you were nervous at first, but then it was like a switch flipped, and you had them all eating out of the palm of your hand. And I knew, right then, you were going to kill it in med school, in residency.”
He chuckles, his fingers playing along the seam of the couch cushions. “I followed your progress, checked in on what you were doing every once in a while. When I knew you were finishing up at Cook County, I made sure to mention to Franklin that we were looking for a night shift attending.”
“Hold up,” Jack says angling his body toward Robby. “You shadow-recruited me through my attending to apply for the Pittsburgh job?”
Robby shrugs. “I knew you would be an asset for us. Everyone talked about how great you were at Cook County. I went there, once, when you were doing your residency.”
“Yeah, I know,” Jack replies absently. He looks away from Robby, embarrassed to own up to the truth. “I was afraid to see you.”
Robby taps his shoulder to bring his attention back. “Afraid? Why?”
Jack shrugs, squirming a little on the couch. “I was married already, of course. I just… guess I didn’t trust myself yet. Around you.”
Robby is silent as he digests that information. Jack thinks back to when he’d heard that Robby would be coming to Chicago for an airway demo. His first reaction had been excitement, followed quickly by dread. He’d been secure in his relationship with Liz, he was truly so in love with her. But Robby had always been a temptation, even if Jack hadn’t wanted to admit it.
“I wish I’d known about Liz then. Maybe I wouldn’t have made a total ass of myself when you came to Pittsburgh for the interview.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean,” Robby says, huffing out a laugh that has a lot of sadness in it, “I was about 30 seconds from inviting myself up your room to fuck you into the mattress. But then, I saw your wedding ring.”
Jack freezes, staring at Robby’s face, seeing the guilt there. He looks back at his left hand, where he wears the thick silver band still. He twists it around his finger with his thumb. He’s never really thought about what it means that he keeps putting it on every morning, more habit than intent.
“And then you took the job. And I had to hear everyone fawning over the wonderful Dr. Jack Abbot and his wonderful wife. And I hated it. Because I’d been waiting for so long and you…” he trails off and looks away from Jack.
They sit in silence again for a few minutes and then Robby turns back to Jack suddenly. “I’m not saying… I cared about Liz. I really did. I was never faking that.”
Jack can see the range of emotions playing on Robby’s face. The fear, the anguish, the grief. He puts his palm to Robby’s cheek and watches him give a little shudder.
“She really cared about you, too, Robby. I know it was real. For all of us.”
Another pause while they watch Shadow stretch on the cat tree, reposition. The light outside is fading and Jack should turn on a light or they’ll be in total darkness soon.
Jack pulls away from Robby, shifting to sit forward, his elbows on his knees. He runs his hands through his hair. He’s wanted to hear something like this, some kind of acknowledgement of the real shape of their relationship, for so long, he thinks maybe he’s hallucinating. But he’s also getting angry.
“You always said it doesn’t mean anything.” His voice comes out rough and he struggles to keep his emotions in check. “For fucking years, Robby.”
“Yeah…” Robby starts, then his voice trails off, sounding a little broken.
Jack turns back to face him. “No, you don’t get to do that. You do not get to pull the Adorable Sheepish Robby routine and shut me out. Use your fucking words.”
Robby rises from the couch, switching on a lamp and starting to pace. “Fine! Fine. I was a fucking coward. That what you wanted to hear, Jack?” He stands in front of Jack, his chest rising as he breathes hard.
“I had this stupid fucking dream and it didn’t fucking pan out. Obviously. And then Liz died and you were destroyed and I was fucking destroyed, and I didn’t want to hurt you.”
Jack nods. “Yeah, that makes sense. Push me away so you don’t hurt me.”
He can hear the condescension in his voice, but he doesn’t care. Once again, Robby bulldozing through, making assumptions about what’s best for Jack instead of just fucking asking him.
Robby scratches through his beard and sighs. “I was afraid that if I told you the truth, I’d break what we had,” he says softly, his voice cracking a little. “And I… I didn’t want to be someone else you were afraid to lose.”
Jack’s breath leaves his body in a rush as a memory blinks through his mind: Robby’s arms locked around him as he had voiced one of his deepest fears in the wake of a nightmare. He looks up at Robby’s face now, reading the fear and sadness in his expression.
He sighs, shaking his head. He knows where it comes from, Robby’s compulsion to do what he thinks is necessary, even if it means he’ll suffer. Save the patient, no matter the sacrifice.
As his anger breaks, Jack knows that he shares an equal amount of the blame for this mess.
“I’m a coward, too,” he says quietly. “That’s why I didn’t say anything. I was destroyed after Liz. Never thought I’d ever be able to feel anything again.” He scratches the back of his neck and Robby sits back down on the couch next to him. “But then you were there, like always. Taking care of me, supporting me, making me see that life was still worth living,”
He angles toward Robby, his knee up on the couch. “At first I didn’t say anything was because I thought you didn’t date men. And that was fine, a clear line in the sand. I could respect the boundary. But then I found out about Alex. And I figured it was because you didn’t want to date me.”
Robby wraps his arms around Jack and pulls him close, so that Jack ends up straddling his lap.
“Oh, baby, I’ve been in love with you for so long, I’ve just about forgotten what it was like when I wasn’t.”
Jack rests his head on Robby’s shoulder, pushing his face into his neck. He thinks about the ways his life has shifted and curved around Robby to fit him in it and the ways that Robby’s life has done the same to accommodate Jack.
Ellis’s words from earlier this morning, and Liz’s words from years ago swirl around in his mind. He feels like his fears about Robby’s job offer, the conclusions he’d arrived at, it was all silly. It was all bullshit.
This man underneath him, supporting his weight – this impossible, stubborn, beautiful man – wants him.
Jack lifts his head and presses his forehead against Robby’s. “I don’t think I deserve this,” he whispers, sending his greatest fear out into the living room.
“What do you mean, baby?” Robby runs his hands up and down Jack’s back, like he can’t stop himself from touching Jack anywhere he can.
“I already had two chances, you know? Having another chance at love, seems greedy.”
Robby kisses him, his fingers digging into the back of Jack’s scalp, his tongue pushing into his mouth, like he wants to consume him, own him. They break apart, breathing hard.
“Well, I think I deserve this. Deserve you. So you’re just going to have to live with it.”
Jack laughs and leans in for another kiss. He’s right. Robby does deserve this. And so does Jack. He feels euphoric, like he’s going to float right out the door and over the treetops.
“I guess I will,” he agrees, winding his arms around Robby’s neck. “Now, tell me about Minnesota, if it’s not about the job offer. Something’s up or you wouldn’t have looked so fucking guilty about it.”
Robby groans. “It was supposed to be a surprise!”
Jack brings his arms down to poke Robby in the side until he surrenders.
“Fine, I’ll tell you. There’s a fundraising dinner next month at the University of Minnesota for the bridge program you attended. I was going to take you. Then I thought we could catch the Pens/Wild game. Make a little trip of it.”
He runs his fingers through Jack’s hair, pushing the curls off his forehead. “And then I was gonna ask if you wanted to move in together.”
Jack sucks in a breath, resting his forehead on Robby’s shoulder as Robby’s hand cups the back of his neck. All this fear and heartache for a surprise trip to Minneapolis.
Then he rears back so he can see Robby’s eyes, the weight of what Robby had just said hitting him. “You were gonna ask to move in together?”
“Well, I mean, I’m usually over here anyway. It’s got enough space we can be in separate rooms to work if needed. My lease is coming up and I –”
Jack’s kissing him again, cutting off whatever else Robby had planned to say. He can’t believe how different his life feels right now compared with even an hour ago.
“Of course, yes. Absolutely, yes. When were you thinking?”
“Man, I should have brought this up sooner,” Robby chuckles.
“Well, maybe if you weren’t trying to be so fucking secretive, we wouldn’t have wasted days on a fight.”
Robby opens his mouth and Jack knows he’s going to throw something back. Robby can’t resist a fight. But Jack’s had enough fighting for now. He only wants one thing.
“Less talking, more fucking me,” he says, biting at Robby’s earlobe. Robby makes an interested noise and takes Jack’s mouth, sucking on his bottom lip.
Then he pushes Jack back a little so he can get out from under him. He snags the wheelchair on the other side of the couch and brings it over to Jack. Jack feels like ants are crawling underneath his skin as he transfers over to his chair, groaning a little at his creaking joints, and follows Robby down the hall the bedroom. To their bedroom, really.
They don’t spend much time stripping their clothes off, speeding through the task to get to the naked part. As they meet on the bed, kissing again, a memory teases at Jack’s mind.
“If we’re revealing all the secrets now, you have to tell me, what did Rachel say when she broke up with you?”
“Who?”
Jack huffs out a laugh. “Do you ever remember any of the people you date?”
“Was she the one in pharmaceutical sales?”
“Yeah,” Jack confirms, scratching his nails down over the swell of Robby’s stomach, tangling his fingers into his pubic hair.
Robby moans. “Oh, right, she thought we were fucking.”
“What?” Jack’s hand pauses mid-stroke on Robby’s shaft, to Robby’s consternation.
“Yeah, she thought we were doing some weird freaky sex thing and were trying to invite her into it or something, now I swear to god, if you don’t keep going.”
Jack laughs and scoots down on the bed, situating himself between Robby’s legs and puts his mouth on Robby’s cock. Their substantive conversation drops off after that. Jack applies his tongue to run along the vein underneath Robby’s dick, humming as he sucks his cheeks in and laps up the pre-cum Robby spills.
Robby palms the back of his head, pressing him farther down onto his cock so that Jack’s lips get close to the base. Even with the smells of Robby's shift still clinging to his skin, Jack can’t get enough of him and he rubs his nose in Robby’s pubic hair. He’s only able to swallow around the head of Robby’s dick once before he’s pulled back.
“Way too close for that,” Robby grunts, reaching clumsily for the bottle of lube on the nightstand.
After he pours out a generous amount onto his fingers, Robby grabs at Jack’s shoulders, accidentally smearing lube on his belly as he tries to aim his fingers at Jack’s hole. Jack takes pity on him and straddles his waist, sitting up on his knees so Robby can reach around him. He’s quicker than usual with prep, adding fingers in succession to stretch Jack out. But Jack’s impatient anyway, wanting to feel Robby inside him.
He pushes Robby against the pillows and leans back until he feels the head of Robby’s cock notch at his rim. He looks down at Robby’s face, seeing the flush spreading up from his neck, the sweat starting to bead along his forehead. His eyes are glassy, like he’s blissed out already, and his mouth is open as he pants. Jack’s never seen anything more beautiful.
“I love you,” he says, his voice breaking a little. Robby’s eyes come back into focus, zeroing in on his own. “I should have said it before, years ago. I should have said it every day. So you’d know...” He takes a deep breath, feeling like he might start sobbing. “So you’d know I was in it with you.”
Robby reaches up a hand and smooths it over Jack’s cheek, his thumb grazing along his bottom lip. “It was worth waiting for,” he says softly. “I love you, too, baby.” They smile at each other, eyes a little watery.
Then Jack sinks slowly until Robby bottoms out inside him. They both groan loudly, Robby clutching Jack’s hips. Jack rises up on his knees and slides back down, adjusting his angle until he can feel Robby’s cock brushing against his prostate.
“Fuck, baby, you are riding me so good,” Robby moans as he starts to thrust up to meet Jack’s hips, their pace quickening.
“My cock, Mike,” Jack gasps. “Get your hand on my cock right now.”
He does and it doesn’t take many strokes before Jack is painting stripes of cum on Robby’s chest. Jack’s release pushes Robby over the edge and he wraps his arms around Jack to hold them together as he spills inside Jack’s hole.
Jack winces a little as he pulls off of Robby. They don’t usually go at such a frantic pace, but it had felt warranted tonight. A celebration and an affirmation of what they had and what they could be.
He moves to get up but Robby captures his hips, dragging him back toward the pillows and onto his back. Jack watches as Robby takes a position below him and, keeping eye contact with Jack, sticks his face between Jack’s legs. Jack can feel his tongue push into his hole and he lets out a loud moan as his cock gives a valiant twitch.
“Fuck me, Mikey,” he breathes out, watching with rapt attention as Robby eats him out.
Robby surfaces enough to say, “Yeah, I did that,” before returning to Jack's hole.
Jack squirms on the bed as Robby licks into him, occasionally pushing a finger in to scoop out more cum. By the time Robby sits up, wiping a hand across his beard and smiling down at him, Jack feels like he’s been reduced to a pile of boneless goo. Robby cleans up in the bathroom, then returns with a washcloth for Jack. Once he’s given Jack a quick rubdown, he tosses the cloth in the vicinity of the hamper, shaking his head when it’s two feet short.
Then he climbs into bed, pulling Jack firmly against his chest. As their breaths sync up in the darkness, Jack feels brave enough to ask.
“Hey, Robby?”
“Hmmm?”
“Dana mentioned, at the funeral. She said something about Liz’s last words. Did she have a message for me?”
Robby goes silent. Jack can’t even hear him breathing. Jack pulls Robby’s arm more tightly around him, trying to communicate that he’s here and isn’t upset.
“She said… she made me promise her something.”
“Promise what?”
Robby lets out a long exhale. “She made me promise to take care of you.”
“Oh,” Jack breathes out. He considers the scenario, when Liz must have known she wasn’t going to make it. And her final thoughts were of Jack, of course, but also of Robby. This, even more than her journals or her conversation with Emily, settles something in Jack.
“Why would you think you hadn’t kept that promise?”
Robby doesn’t ask Jack what he means. There are a few minutes of silence before he replies.
“Well, I… It felt selfish of me to keep you for myself. I have so much baggage. I’m shit at communication. I work too much… I thought by keeping you at arm’s length, or at least pretending I was, that I was taking care of you. That way, you would have a chance to find someone better.” His voice is so quiet when he says, “I didn’t want it to mean anything, for when you were done with me.”
Jack marvels at how Robby’s fears parallel his own darker thoughts from earlier. They’d made such a mess of things, each trying to protect themselves and each other.
He can also hear years of insecurity, of self-doubt, in Robby’s explanation. He knows how hard Robby is on himself. He knows that he can’t magically fix it or make it all better. Even getting Robby into therapy isn’t going to cure him overnight. But he’s hopeful that together, truly together, they can do better than they were doing apart.
He plays with his wedding ring on his hand, twisting it with his thumb. He takes a minute to think about how it felt when Liz, tears leaking from her eyes, had pushed it onto his hand. Then he smiles and slides it off, leaning over to set it on the bedside table, and repositioning himself to face Robby.
“It did mean something, Robby. It meant everything.”
Robby makes a sound in the back of his throat and kisses Jack, his tongue pushing into his mouth to stroke against Jack’s. It’s just kissing for its own sake. They’re both too wrung out to do much more than that.
“What if we got married?” Jack asks after a little while, smiling when he hears Robby make a choking sound.
“What?”
“What’s the matter, sweetheart, you don’t want to make an honest man out of me?”
Robby snorts, pulling Jack closer and weaving his leg between Jack’s thighs.
“You don’t think it’s too soon?”
“I think…” Jack pauses, his mind skipping across years of memories of him and Robby together, knowing that even when they were apart, there was something drawing them together. “I think it’s about goddamn time.”
Robby huffs a laugh into Jack’s hair, twining his fingers around the curls. Feeling more relaxed than he has in a long time, Jack drifts off to sleep, safe in Robby’s arms.