Chapter Text
Assh0le_Ari
Jean Moreau last night was pure gold. No one else could match his natural pull on the ice or the strength of his jumps. His axels were on point and his costume was memorizing and even the music was like it was tailored made for him and his routine
All this to say that Riko Moriyama can go suck it cause he'll never be as good as Jean Moreau
#fuck riko #ice staking #Jean Moreau
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Private chat: Assh0le_Ari, Drew_the_con
Drew_the_con: ik what you are
Assh0le_Ari: ???
Drew_the_con: I know what you are 🫵
Assh0le_Ari: and Im ????
Drew_the_con: queer alert ⚠️
Assh0le_Ari: bruh wtf r u going on bout?
Drew_the_con: there's only 3 types of people who watch ice skating: ice skaters, women, and the gays
Assh0le_Ari: + guys forced hy their gfs
Drew_the_con: no those types don't pay enough attention to know about the fued between different skaters
Drew_the_con: you don't actively participate in something you were forced into
Assh0le_Ari: rolling my eyes at u
Assh0le_Ari: maybe Im just a casual fan of ice skating ever think about that?
Drew_the_con: i know what you are
Drew_the_con: homosexual 🫵
Assh0le_Ari: LEAVE ME ALONE
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Private chat: Assh0le_Ari, Drew_the_con
Drew_the_con: my husband wants another cat
Assh0le_Ari: just know I'll demand pics of the new baby
Drew_the_con: no.
Drew_the_con: we don't need another one
Drew_the_con: we already have two and they're little pests that bother us at every fucking turn
Assh0le_Ari: counter point: they're adorable
Drew_the_con: sustained
Assh0le_Ari: don't talk like a judge
Assh0le_Ari: ur hudgment should never allowed i mean just look at ur choice of husband
Assh0le_Ari: horrible
Drew_the_con: stfu
Drew_the_con: I need to put my foot down otherwise he'll walk all over me
Assh0le_Ari: he already does
Drew_the_con: I have a knife
Assh0le_Ari: oh Im sooooooo scared
Assh0le_Ari: simp ass bitch 🙄🙄🙄
Drew_the_con: fuck you Im intimidating
Assh0le_Ari: ur a simp ass loser whos gonna end up with another cat
Drew_the_con: no im not. Im putting my foot down.
Drew_the_con: we dont need anymore kids
Assh0le_Ari: sure
Assh0le_Ari: well see how that goes
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Private chat: Assh0le_Ari, Drew_the_con
Drew_the_con: [picture: an orange cat with large eyes with no thoughts in them staring into the camera unaware of its existence]
Drew_the_con: junior
Assh0le_Ari: [picture: Drax and Mantis from Guardians of the Galaxy pointing at the viewer and laughing with the text "LOSER SIMP" on the bottom]
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Private chat: Assh0le_Ari, Drew_the_con
Assh0le_Ari: how'd u mj9w u were gay?
Drew_the_con: ?
Assh0le_Ari: *mnow
Assh0le_Ari: close enough
Drew_the_con: rolling eyes
Assh0le_Ari: answer the question 🗣
Drew_the_con: men hot
Assh0le_Ari: srsly?
Drew_the_con: pretty much
Assh0le_Ari: there was no big reveal?? No confusion?
Drew_the_con: yeah but not over whether I thought men were hot
Assh0le_Ari: ???
Drew_the_con: sigh
Drew_the_con: im gonna say something and there are going to need to be some rules here
Assh0le_Ari: okay?
Drew_the_con: you will believe whatever it is I tell you, you understand? If you express doubt over the validity over my claims or suggest it was a 'misunderstanding' I will not only block you but also report you for terris8m
Assh0le_Ari: I feel as though that may be a bit of an overreaction but sure yeah okay
Assh0le_Ari: srsly whatever u tell me I'll believe u ur not a liar Drew
Drew_the_con: second, you will not ask me questions about this past the current discussion. If it doesnt pertain to how I figured out I was gay I will not answer.
Assh0le_Ari: yes sir
Drew_the_con: third, you will not treat me any differently got it? This does not define me nor is it everything about me.
Assh0le_Ari: I mean obviously? Ur an ass, ur a simp, u love cats and there's a million of other things that make u who u r duh
Drew_the_con: fourth, you are not to tell another living soul about what Im about to tell you. You will not tell anyone else online or in person about this even if you think I'll never know. I will. And I will hunt you down and sick my husband on you
Assh0le_Ari: cough simp cough
Drew_the_con: Ari.
Assh0le_Ari: Drew ik, i wouldnt betray u like that
Assh0le_Ari: u can trust me dude
Drew_the_con: ik. I just dont like talking about this with anyone but my therapist and husband
Assh0le_Ari: u dont have to
Drew_the_con: no it's fine.
Drew_the_con: when I was in foster care multiple of my foster fathers and one of my foster brothers SAed me
Drew_the_con: I got myself locked up in juvie to get away from it all and while I was in there that's when I realized that I liked boys.
Drew_the_con: I freaked out, thinking I was just like the men who hurt me but slowly I realized I wasnt anytbing like them. My crushes were age appropriate and I never forced or pushed anyone to do anything with me
Drew_the_con: it took a couple of years to fully accept that I was gay, it helped that men were just so fucking hot and stupid. Because apparently I like my men stupid as all hell.
Drew_the_con: my therapist has helped me a lot and my husband respects all of my boundaries. He never pushed, never pestered me about them he just accepts it like it's law (ironic for a man constantly breaking the law) and loves me despite it all
Drew_the_con: I have good days and bad days but slowly the good are outnumbering the bad and Im proudly a gay man despite what those people did to me
Drew_the_con: so yeah, I freaked out a bit but not for the reason others might
Drew_the_con: did you completely abandon me Ari? For shame but not surprising
Assh0le_Ari: no i just
Assh0le_Ari: idk what to say
Drew_the_con: dont.
Assh0le_Ari: that's fucking horrible and those bastards r going to rot in fucking hell for what they did
Drew_the_con: if it exists
Assh0le_Ari: oh hell definitely exists for those kinds of fuckers and they'll all suffer
Drew_the_con: whatever you say
Drew_the_con: did I answer your curiosity?
Assh0le_Ari: im srs dude
Assh0le_Ari: what happened to u is horrible and no one should have to go through tjat
Assh0le_Ari: im sorry it happened to u
Drew_the_con: apologies wont change the past
Assh0le_Ari: ur right but im still sorry it happened to u
Assh0le_Ari: and im proud and happy that ur still here and living a good lide
Drew_the_con: stfu
Assh0le_Ari: and hey, im sure ur husband would be more than happy to kill those bastards for u
Drew_the_con: dont. The menace has already offered too many times
Drew_the_con: it's hard to say no to his cute face
Assh0le_Ari: gag love
Drew_the_con: stfu
Drew_the_con: youre just bitter bc u broke up with your gf
Assh0le_Ari: no need to rub salt in the wound
Drew_the_con: yes there is: it's entertaining
Assh0le_Ari: asshole 🖕
Drew_the_con: exactly
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Private chat: Assh0le_Ari, Drew_the_con
Drew_the_con: just had the weirdest fucking interaction with someone
Assh0le_Ari: ??
Drew_the_con: I was walking back from class to my car (thar my husband bought me)
Assh0le_Ari: 😐
Drew_the_con: then some weird looking dude came up to me asking me all kinda of questions
Assh0le_Ari: bout???
Drew_the_con: fuck if I know
Drew_the_con: I punched him when he got too close
Assh0le_Ari: eh fair enough
Assh0le_Ari: hope u didnt tell ur husbajd bout that
Assh0le_Ari: woulda committed murder
Drew_the_con: nah
Drew_the_con: first he would jump me bc he gets off on my muscles
Assh0le_Ari: gross
Drew_the_con: THEN he'd commit murder
Assh0le_Ari: I hate married people
Drew_the_con: youre just jealous
Assh0le_Ari: no im disgusted
Drew_the_con: lol
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Private chat: Assh0le_Ari, Drew_the_con
Assh0le_Ari: okay Im gonna smash my head against the wall
Drew_the_con: realized how ugly you are?
Assh0le_Ari: stfu
Assh0le_Ari: my PI is a fucking idiot
Drew_the_con: whatd he fuck up now?
Assh0le_Ari: he got into a fist fight while looking for info
Assh0le_Ari: bastard said he had a lead on my brother and went to the east coast to ask around or whatever it is PIs do but instead he got into a bar fight
Drew_the_con: lol
Assh0le_Ari: NOT FUNNY
Drew_the_con: why are you surprised Im being an ass? Ive made my feelings on family clear
Assh0le_Ari: and yet ur the biggest simp in the world
Drew_the_con: what can I say? I contain multitudes
Assh0le_Ari: of simpery
Drew_the_con: idiot
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Private chat: Assh0le_Ari, Drew_the_con
Assh0le_Ari: thoughts on superbat?
Drew_the_con: stfu
Drew_the_con: are you sure youre straight? You keep doing some sus things
Drew_the_con: im onto you
Assh0le_Ari: stfu not everyone's gay ass
Drew_the_con: hmm yes I know. The world would be much better if everyone was queer
Assh0le_Ari: ughhhhh
Assh0le_Ari: can't you just answer the question?
Drew_the_con: there's way too much romantic and sexual tension between those two for them to not be in love and/or secretly married. There's a whole college level paper on them. And a really good timeline someone did
Assh0le_Ari: hmmmmmmm
Assh0le_Ari: k
Drew_the_con: why?
Assh0le_Ari: no reason really
Drew_the_con: that smells like bs
Drew_the_con: the cats agree with me
Drew_the_con: [picture: an orange cat with large, empty eyes staring into the camera, a grey cat side eyeing the camera behind the orange cat, and a black and white cat with bugged out eyes staring at the floor]
Assh0le_Ari: King is the only one w a braincell within that group
Drew_the_con: my beautiful, hot, stunning, and sexy husband says im legally not allowed to insult the cats as their father however I agree with you.
Assh0le_Ari: BAD FATHER ALERT 🗣🗣
Drew_the_con: stfu or I'll stab you
Assh0le_Ari: :/
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Private chat: Assh0le_Ari, Drew_the_con
Drew_the_con: I miss my husband
Assh0le_Ari: ugggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Drew_the_con: he's so hot
Drew_the_con: and beautiful
Drew_the_con: his smile is deranged and makes my knees weak
Assh0le_Ari: UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Drew_the_con: his ass is so plump and grabbable and I miss it
Assh0le_Ari: gonna kill myself
Drew_the_con: I miss his loud mouth
Drew_the_con: the other day he insulted someone until they started sobbing and it was the hottest thing Ive ever seen in my fucking life
Drew_the_con: I made oit with him right there and then
Assh0le_Ari: that poor, poor fucker
Drew_the_con: when we got home I ate him out. It tasted like heaven
Assh0le_Ari: disgusting
Drew_the_con: homophobia
Assh0le_Ari: no it's not
Assh0le_Ari: I dont want to hear bout ur sex life
Drew_the_con: well boo fucking hoo
Drew_the_con: im without my lovely husband and he's shockingly my impulse control
Drew_the_con: I am so close to shaving my head because my HUSBAND loves to run his hands through it but since he's not here why should I keep it around as a reminder?
Assh0le_Ari: jfc where even is he??
Drew_the_con: he's at his best friends bachelor party
Assh0le_Ari: and he'll be back when?
Drew_the_con: tomorrow morning
Assh0le_Ari: 😐
Drew_the_con: so what I assume you are implying, my lonely, sexless friend, is that I shouldn't shave my head?
Assh0le_Ari: do u want ur husband to divorce u for being bald?
Drew_the_con: no. He's stuck with me for thr rest of our miserable lives
Assh0le_Ari: then dont
Drew_the_con: ugh fine
Assh0le_Ari: 🙄