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Cecil was worried.
Not because of the rather urgent announcement the Mayor issued yesterday, stating that no Night Vale citizen of any species was to venture out of their home after dark, since he knew from the Mayor’s statement that this measure had nothing to do with the shrill noise and purple mist that started emanating from the Dog Park approximately an hour after sunset. Nothing whatsoever. So that didn’t worry Cecil at all. What worried him was much, much more serious.
It was Carlos.
They had already gone on six dates. Six amazing, breath-taking, perfect dates. All of them ended with a sweet good-night kiss. On the last four they held hands. (Whenever Cecil thought about it (which was often) he could still feel Carlos’ warm, perfect hand in his, and then he had to do everything one-handed so as to keep the illusion for as long as possible.) On the fourth date Carlos put his arm around Cecil’s waist when they were being decidedly unaware of the long procession of hooded figures in which each figure was taller than the previous one. On the fifth date, they got caught in a sudden downpour of acidic rain which sizzled when it hit the ground. Cecil was a bit cold so Carlos offered him his beautiful lab coat, which had two wonderful consequences: 1) Cecil got to see Carlos without his lab coat! He was wearing a pale blue button down that looked gorgeous on him and somehow his shoulders looked broader in it, and 2) Cecil was wearing Carlos’s lab coat, i.e. Carlos’s favourite piece of clothing, which was full Carlos’s perfect, enticing, intoxicating scent and also of miniscule particles of Carlos’s skin. At that moment, Cecil thought being hugged by Carlos might feel similar, but only moments later he was proven wonderfully wrong. They huddled together under a porch to hide from the rain, and there wasn’t much space so they were really quite close together, and then Carlos put his arms around Cecil and it was approximately 583.5 % better than just wearing Carols’s coat. Since they were hugging, Cecil thought it was probably okay for him to stroke Carlos’s perfect, beautiful hair, and so he did, and there was no word in any municipally approved language for how amazing it felt to bury his fingers in the soft curls. Carlos sighed a little and kissed him, and overall it was probably the best thing that had happened to Cecil ever.
That was all nice and good. Scratch that - it was absolutely flawless and marvellous. Except, well, not completely. Because every date ended with them in the car in front of Carlos’s lab and Carlos never invited Cecil in. He’d give him a lovely kiss and then bolt out of the car as if he couldn’t abide to be in Cecil’s presence a moment longer. And that was very worrying, wasn’t it? All of Cecil’s previous experience indicated that this was wrong. It was okay on the first date and maybe the second, but after that it was just… disquieting. Carlos was supposed to invite him in, not run away. Cecil might not have always liked everything that happened after being invited in, but it was how it was done. It was in all the City Council-issued dating guidelines. Cecil was worried because not only whoever read their end-of-date reports was bound to notice they didn’t follow the Standard Relationship Progression Directive (Ages 21-40), but also because it might indicate that Carlos didn’t really like him. Why else would he behave like this otherwise?
Carlos was perfect and smart and beautiful and he could have anyone he wanted, so it wouldn’t be all that surprising if he didn’t like Cecil all that much, but it still hurt to think of it. It made Cecil feel as if a giant iron fist was squeezing his heart. Didn’t Carlos want to spend more time with him? Cecil had imagined it countless times, going through the door of the lab holding hands and then kissing against the wall. Didn’t Carlos want that, and more? Cecil was sure he wouldn’t mind going through all the uncomfortable messy bits as much as he usually did, not with Carlos – he would happily do anything for Carlos. And afterwards he would get to cuddle up close to Carlos and play with his perfect hair and it would be glorious.
But Carlos clearly didn’t want that. The only chance Cecil had left was that maybe Carlos was peculiar about his living space and didn’t want anyone intruding in it. His last hope.
So when the end of their seventh date came, Cecil made sure not to drive to the lab but to stop the car in front of his apartment building.
“Do you want to come up?” he asked, and hoped that his voice didn’t sound as nervous as he felt.
Carlos looked out of the window, maybe to inspect the building for signs of abnormality or non-existence, but just as likely it could be to avoid looking at Cecil.
“I should be getting back. I have a sensitive experiment that needs to be checked upon every six hours.”
“Oh.” Cecil said, because, well, what else could he say? Disappointment pooled in his stomach like liquid lead.
“Cecil—”
“It’s okay,” Cecil said quickly. And it was okay – it had to be. Cecil had probably misinterpreted things. It was probable that Carlos didn’t actually want a relationship, but just casual dating, someone to spend his free time with.
“Cecil,” Carlos said again, voice strained. “What’s wrong?” He didn’t sound like he particularly wanted to hear the answer.
“You always seem very eager to get away from me,” Cecil blurted before he could stop himself, feeling utterly miserable. He knew he shouldn’t complain, but he couldn’t help but want Carlos to somehow prove him wrong.
“No! That’s not… I never... that’s not how it is,” Carlos said, and all of a sudden he sounded just as miserable as Cecil felt.
“How is it, then?” Cecil asked. “Because to me it just seems like you don’t... want me.”
Carlos was quiet for what felt like way too long and Cecil wanted to die because he had obviously just ruined everything, why hadn’t he kept his mouth shut? Who was he to want more than what Carlos was willing to give? Now he wouldn’t have anything, Carlos would take his perfect presence away because Cecil was greedy.
“I don’t want to have this conversation in the car,” Carlos said finally.
“It’s true, the Secret Police would hear us better outside,” Cecil said simply to fill the silence.
“Jesus Christ,” Carlos said, and then, to Cecil’s complete astonishment, he buried his face in his hands. He looked… unhappy. Why? Was it just because he still hadn’t understood that it was necessary for the Sheriff’s Secret Police to supervise Night Vale citizens for their own good?
“Okay,” Carlos said determinedly, his tone very reminiscent of when he had said ‘I’m not calling for personal reasons’, which didn’t bode well. “It’s not that I don’t want you, I do. But not… not in all the ways you expect me to.”
Cecil thought about it briefly, trying to come up with an explanation that wasn’t completely devastating, and came up with nothing.
“I don’t understand.”
Carlos straightened in his seat and looked ahead at the empty street.
“I don’t want to have sex,” he said stiffly. “Ever. With anyone, not just you.”
Cecil stared at him. Carlos wasn’t looking at him, his perfect jaw tense.
“You… don’t like it?” Cecil asked carefully, because surely this was too good to be true. After Cecil had worried about it for so long, surely the solution couldn’t be so simple.
“I never tried. And I don’t want to try so don’t bother trying to convince me.”
Cecil continued to stare at Carlos’s chiselled profile, the silver on his temple, his perfect nose and lovely lips, and he thought about kissing Carlos against the wall of his flat and then going straight to the cuddling without any inconveniences in between. It seemed impossible, but it turned out that Carlos was actually even more perfect than Cecil had expected. He was so perfect that the definition of perfection would probably have to be reinvented from scratch. And he was here with Cecil after they had gone on seven dates and there was really only one thing that Cecil could say.
“Neat!”
That… wasn’t what Cecil had been planning on saying, but it had the welcome effect of making Carlos turn towards him.
“What?”
Why did Carlos always make Cecil lose all his words? He made his living with words! He tried to think of what words he would use if this were a radio broadcast, but that felt entirely wrong. For once, he knew for sure that he wasn’t going to share this with his audience.
He reached out to take Carlos’s hand.
“It’s okay,” he said, trying to sound calm and not giddy with excitement, because Carlos was tense and nervous and first of all Cecil needed to get him to relax. “I mean, more than okay. Perfect, actually,” he added, when Carlos didn’t look convinced. “I don’t want to, either.”
Carlos looked at him for a while, and Cecil didn’t know what to do because there was happiness bubbling up inside him and he desperately wanted to share it with Carlos, but Carlos’s eyes were still sad.
“Cecil. You don’t have to… Please don’t say things just because you think it’s what I want to hear. I know how this would go and I’m not going to change my mind so it would – mmph!“
Cecil kissed him, because clearly Carlos had some sort of speech prepared, one that he had probably given to some idiotic people in his past who were stupid enough to let him go, and he wasn’t listening to Cecil at all. And so Cecil leaned in and kissed him, gentle but thorough, because this way he could tell Carlos how he felt without having to say it aloud and worry if it was too much. He stayed close when they broke apart, even though the position wasn’t very comfortable.
“You’re serious,” Carlos breathed, blinking at him.
“Of course I am.”
“Of course you are, you’re you,” Carlos said, shaking his head at himself. He finally stopped looking unhappy, and instead stared at Cecil in disbelief. “So you don’t—you’re…”
“Yes.” Really, for a scientist Carlos was incredibly slow sometimes. Like that time with the clocks. But Cecil didn’t mind very much – it made Carlos all the more adorable in his opinion.
“And you—you’ve always been like this…? Oh my god, no, sorry! Why did I say that, I hate those kinds of questions.”
“I don’t mind,” Cecil said mildly. “You can ask me anything. You can file a form at the City Council and request my End-of-Relationship reports if you want to.”
“Ugh, no,” Carlos said, crinkling his nose a little in distaste, which Cecil couldn’t help but find so cute. “Could we… maybe finish this inside?” He looked around as if he’d forgotten they were still in the car.
“Yes!” Cecil agreed enthusiastically. Why was Carlos even asking? That was what Cecil had wanted all along – to be properly alone with Carlos, with no one to interrupt. Well, except for his dog, who was very fond of interrupting. And the faceless old woman who secretly lived in his home. But apart from them.
They went inside hand in hand. Cecil had imagined this moment countless times, but the reality was so much better – everything about Carlos was so much better in reality than in Cecil’s imagination. Combined with the relief that Carlos wasn’t actually fed up with him, Cecil felt like he was floating. (Was this what Khoshekh felt like all the time?) As they climbed the stairs because the elevator had turned into a quivering block of bright yellow gelatine again, Cecil started to feel the tiniest bit nervous despite everything. What if Carlos didn’t like his apartment? What if he didn’t like the cat videos Cecil wanted to show him? Carlos still seemed a little stunned. What if things got awkward?
As soon as they entered Cecil’s apartment, Carlos suddenly yelped, making a hasty step backwards.
“Something jumped at my leg!”
“Oh, that’s just Anita. Don’t worry, she’s very friendly.”
“What, your dog?” Carlos asked, looking around in confusion. “She’s—invisible?”
“Of course she’s invisible, she’s a secret terrier.”
“Oh, right. Stupid of me,” Carlos said, looking suspiciously at the floor near his feet where Anita was probably sniffing at him. Cecil guessed at her location and picked her up. She licked his face happily.
“Anita, say hi to Carlos. You’re my favourite dog and he’s my favourite person, so you should like each other.”
Carlos glanced at Cecil with a shy smile and carefully reached out to pet Anita.
As much as Cecil liked his boyfriend (his boyfriend) bonding with his dog, he felt that it was something that could probably wait. Lots of other things couldn’t. He deposited Anita safely on the floor and stepped closer to Carlos, cupping his cheek in one hand.
“All right?” he asked quietly. It might have been a redundant question, since Carlos no longer looked at all distraught, but Cecil asked anyway, because in the end, Carlos’s well-being was the only thing that mattered.
“Yes,” Carlos nodded, looking up at Cecil in that slightly bashful way he sometimes had that seemed so at odds with his good looks. “Kiss me.”
And Cecil did, since kissing Carlos was one of the things he’d felt couldn’t wait anyway. His fingers unerringly found their place in Carlos’s hair and Carlos wrapped his arms around him and everything was perfect.
Cecil was about to step back when they broke apart, but Carlos didn’t let him. He tightened his arms around Cecil’s waist instead, and buried his face in Cecil’s shoulder – Cecil certainly wasn’t going to complain about that. He nuzzled against the top of Carlos’s head and continued stroking his hair, which was quickly becoming his favourite activity.
“I’m sorry if I made you feel unwanted,” Carlos murmured. “I just… I was afraid to tell you. I didn’t think this could happen.”
Cecil held him tighter.
“It’s all right now,” Cecil said, and it was. It was so much more than all right. Carlos was warm against him and he held Cecil like he never wanted to let him go. And given that Cecil was all his, it was all quite neat, really.