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Eizen was standing on a boat doing whatever the fuck he wants to do because he’s eizen, and he flips his coin and the Reaper’s Curse takes effect and the coin falls straight into the ocean
“FUCK YOU” says the world, to eizen, but he’s eizen so he doesn’t really care. This is his life. But he’s kind of sad because he liked that coin
Magilou also watched the coin fall into the ocean because she was standing close enoguh to eizen to witness his misfortune and once it hit the surface of the water she dabbed dramatically.
“What the hell are you doing” said eizen in the same cadence and voice as legendary hero ron swanson. He did his harsh dad glare. It was Judgement time.
“Oh this?” said magilou like with this face >:3a, “it’s called dabbing”
“Dabbing?” eizen raised all of his eyebrows and then increased them in size by 30%, “is it some kind of magic”
“oh hell yeah binch” magculou said as she dabbed again, danker this time, “this is some dope ass ancient arte shit"
eizen shed a single tear. he missed his coin. watching magilou perform random acts of dabbing was making him miss his coin even more. but he was strong. he had fists. he had to endure. he licked his tear away as it rolled down his face.
"magilou" he said, "what are thae magical properties of dabbing? is this arte actually useful"
"yeah man," she stopped dabgging and looked at him. "it is like a healing arte, but for your mind. when bad times are happening you can just dab and away goes your pain."
"how much TP does it use." there's tp in this game right? again i've never played this game and will not be able to in the forseeable future which makes me sad emoji (dab)
"dabbing is free (tm)" magliou says. "try it"
"if this is a joke i am going to punch you all the FUCK up this timeline, in the shitty future where zaveid refuses to wear a shirt."
"no, seriously, try it."
eizen stood firmly, assuming the proper Foot Possision. then he angled an arm while putting the other one all the way the fuck out there. he moved in a specific fashion that is not worth describing. he Completed the Dab and got +10 points for unlocking that achievement. in addition, all of the coin-related asadness slowly melted away into the fabric of the universe. eizen became free, adn for the first time he felt unburdened by the reaper's curse.
"thank you magilou" he said, looking at his hands and the new power tha the held within him. "i see the valeu of this ancient art."
"yeah it fine u my homeboy"
"may i ask" he said "why are you dabbing currently. what is the sadness that you hold"
"dongle twink is the fucking president," she siad. "i dab to forget that pain"
"that is indeed a reason to Perform the Dab Technique," he nodded, ad dabbed along side her.
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there's a lot of bad repar stuff that happens to this man. he goes to see idk hidden figures because eizen is a huge fan of astrophysics. the movie begins and it's actually the bee movie because the theater fucked up. he dabs. he logs onto facebook and accidentally deletes all his firneds. he dabs. facebook is garbage anyway. he takes the harry potter patronus test and it says his is a leg, just his own leg appears and kicks dementors. he dabs. clearly his patronus should ahve been a fist.
velvet asks him to take out the trash and he dabs
"What the fuck are yyou doing" says velvet in a deadpan voice. it looks like she doesn't care but she does. she's a dreamgirl.
"i'm dabbing" he says.
"whatever." she says and drinks 50 cans of mosnter energy drink before crushing all the cans into her fist and creating the most kickass aluminum sculpture ever. the museum of modern art features it for a year.
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this has nothing to do with the story but i just imagined elenor dying eizen's hair pink (with eizen's consent) and i think that's cute give me pink haired soft boy strong man eizen.
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anyway so eventually there's a really sad cutscene, i haven't fucking playe this game, so you people with your infinit egamer knowledge, pick your favortie sad moment and imagine it. ok
sad stuff is happening. you know shit is real because there's subtitles and all this animation going on, this isn't skit face time, this is sirious. rokurou starts crying. he grabs laphicets weird sailor cape thing, and wipes his tears onto it like some kind of animal. laphicet decks him in the fucking face. he's a strong boy and i trust him with my life. drama is going on. maybe it involves arthorious man? idk how to spell his name correctly and i'm tired
anyway, as the scene ends on a sour note and the party is standing refelcting on their thoughts eizen solemly dabs. he then nods and dabs again.
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zaveid shows up
eizen dabs
"what was that all about"
"you make me sad. you are a sad sad man" he says before dabbing again
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there was countless dabs through the journey with velvet and laphicet and all the other friends along the way. i dunno how the game ends but eizen keeps dabbing. he dabs fo ryears and years during his travels and he knew he was becoming a dragon man like trogdor the burninator, an internet meme from the early 2000s.
eizen stood on top of a mountain top. thunder crackled in sky. his time as a hot babe was over. he took a deep breath and took one final dab, the most beautiful dab of all time, a dab that would go down in history as the dab to end all dabs. as soon as the dab was completed, he transformed into a dragon. he would dab no more.
at the sight of the newly born dragon, zaveid sighed, and dabbed in his honor.
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BONUS FIC:
AU, IN THE FUTURE, WHEN ZESTIRIA IS HAPPENING. LAILAH MATERIALIZES AND GOES "SOREY YOU MUST DAB AWAY THE MALEVOELNCE" and sorey dabs every time.
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ultrajacket drew some amazing fanart and i feel blessed by heaven every time i look at it:
