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DAY 0
Dearest Mother,
My mission has finally come to an end. It took three years, seven months, and eleven days; I joined the Phantom Troupe for it, split from them when they scattered across the globe; I have walked this earth, and beyond, what feels a thousand times over. But in the end, it was worth it, because I have found Killua-nii-san.
Well. This was not a mission, per say, because I assigned it to myself, and you do not actually know I am here. I have been fleeing the magician, Hisoka, for two and a half years -- I would know if anyone was tracking me. And though I have killed following my brother’s trail, the point of this was not an assassination, but rather … espionage? Loosely? Mother, I swear -- no matter what it takes, I will bring Killua-nii-san home.
Who am I kidding. I just wanted to see my brother again. And finally I am here with him.
If I were sending this I would tell you how I lied in wait, carefully disguising my presence. I would tell you I knew exactly where Killua-nii-san would be and when. I would NOT tell you that I chose a town at random to spend a night in and was within ten feet of him before realizing who exactly stood before me. I would not tell you how I long I argued with him, begging him to even talk to me.
It is clear he is … less than enthusiastic about my presence. I do not care. I have forced him into an agreement -- until he is truly convinced I am either friend or foe, I can try to keep up with him. For as long as I keep pace, I have my brother back. I am determined to make the most of this time.
DAY 2
Dearest Mother,
You would not believe the way Killua-nii-san talks to me. It is like we are not even related -- he doesn’t think twice before telling me how little he wants me here. The language he has picked up would shock you. It’s disgraceful, you would say. Although, I have to admit, he sounds “cool.” Like he belongs in the outside world. Which of course he doesn’t -- he belongs with us, on Kukuroo Mountain. I just meant he’s adapted to normalcy well -- not that he could ever be normal!
I am glad I am not sending these. I can imagine the earful I would get for such a stunningly clumsy use of language. I hope dearly I am not turning into Milluki.
Ah, well. Mother, I know you would make Killua-nii-san be nice to me. But is it wrong I would like him to make that decision on his own? I would like to feel, maybe, that my brother… genuinely loves me. Illumi-nii-san loves me, this I know. He has, more often than not, indulged my whims, and let me tag along where I know I am a hindrance. All for the sake of growing my strength, of course, but he does display affection, though somewhat robotically. But, if I am being totally honest, I have always looked up to Killua-nii-san more, even if my nature might reflect Illumi-nii-san’s more closely. So, in the future, I hope he warms up to me. Even a little.
I did not want to mention this, but… Alluka is here too. I am unhappy with these arrangements because of the danger Alluka poses and NOT because I would like Killua-nii-san’s attention to myself.
Here is to hoping to progress in the following days.
DAY 5
Dearest Mother,
Alluka is a girl. I did not know this. You, as well as Father and Illumi-nii-san, have always addressed her as a boy. How was I to know any different? We have not spoken in many, many years. She was quarantined before I could even speak properly, as a matter of fact.
I have no reason to feel guilty about this.
This is what I tell Killua-nii-san. And myself. But I still feel… a little bad.
Should I apologize?
DAY 6
Dearest Mother,
I did not apologize. Zoldycks do not acknowledge their errors -- though generally, Zoldycks do not MAKE errors, and in these last few days, I have felt stunningly out of my depth. A more capable spy you would be hard-pressed to find, but I cannot seem to properly mesh with Killua-nii-san and Alluka. Something about their carefree manner eludes me.
But back to the topic at hand. I did not apologize, but Alluka’s resulting happiness upon hearing the correct forms of address indicated I had made it up to her. This is good. Upsetting Alluka would surely result in Killu-nii removing me from their position by >300 miles. She is supremely skilled at the manipulation of others’ emotions. Nearly everyone she has ever met she considers a friend; and if she even thinks of being sad, there is little that would not be done to get her to smile. I would ask her to teach me her methods if it wouldn’t be so humiliating to admit she knows something I do not.
DAY 9
We have been on the move, and it has given me little time to record my journeys. Killua-nii-san is extraordinarily fast -- I am nearly sure it is his Nen power at work. Bolts of lightning zip up his body, and he is able to cover vast distances with minimal physical input. Alluka enjoys poking him when he is like this -- it makes her hair stand on end and, occasionally, chars her finger slightly! She insists this shock, no doubt unpleasant for any normal person, is fun. Maybe she is a Zoldyck after all.
Anyways, it has been a pain to keep up with them. Killua-nii-san carries Alluka, but of course he would not do this for me. The deal was for me to keep up on my own merit, anyways. I have decided to take this as a sign of his confidence in me and therefore a compliment.
DAY 14
It has been two weeks since I found Killua-nii-san (and Alluka), and I am still keeping up with them. However, I do not think Killu-nii has gotten any fonder of my presence. He tolerates me more, perhaps. He has stopped suddenly racing ahead in the middle of the night, which does make it much easier to keep pace with the two of them. But he still does not talk to me besides what is necessary and tossing passive-aggressive insults about my continued involvement with our family. I wish he would stop. But if I let him know it affected me, he would surely do it more.
Alluka, on the other hand, has apparently taken a liking to me. I do not know how to feel about this. On one hand, her approval is surely the only reason Killu-nii is letting me stick around. On the other, I still believe her dangerous. I have always been cautious, just as Illumi-nii-san has taught me; around Alluka, such caution may be the only reason I am alive.
As it is, she seems interested in conversing with me. She asks me endless questions -- about myself, about the people I have met, about the places I have gone. Once or twice she asked about the Spiders, but Killu-nii made it very clear that I was not to tell her anything. It is good to know he has not lost his talent at concisely ominous threats.
She was excited to learn that my favorite color is purple -- “because onii-chan’s is blue, and mine is pink, so the three of us match!” -- and that I know how to braid hair -- “we could do each other’s hair sometime!”. Her blind faith in me is disconcerting. Does she not know that, if I so chose, I could kill her faster than blinking? It would certainly serve my purposes better to have her out of the way.
Then again, as soon as I so much as had the thought, Killu-nii would dispose of me. So I suppose she knows she is safe. Hmph.
DAY 16
Alluka directly confronted me today.
We were sat by a stream that cut through the hills nearing Yorkshin City. Killua-nii-san was finishing packing their backpacks a little ways down the stream, one eye on us always; she was dangling her feet in the water, boots stacked next to her. Compared to their alert calm, I felt rigid as a board.
“I'm sorry you hate me,” she said. “I don't hate you. I want to be friends with you, if I can. So, if you wanna tell me why you don't like me, maybe I can change it.”
Confrontations of the physical kind, I excel at. Emotional confrontations are something else entirely. She seemed to genuinely willing – normally I enjoy seeing hopes shatter, but somehow I was unwilling to lash out, or even to stay silent.
I stuttered out something along the lines of “Illumi-nii-san said you were dangerous and I don’t trust you.” She looked at me a little sadly and told me that she is not dangerous and neither is Nanika, but that she knew that wasn’t the reason. She told me that she didn’t want to be the reason her family didn’t get along, even if they didn't see her as such.
It doesn’t make sense, but I felt bad. I blurted without thinking that it wasn’t her fault, and the only reason I disliked her is because I was -- am -- jealous.
That was MORTIFYING. I immediately covered my mouth, but I could not take it back no matter how much I wished to. It might be true but Alluka has NO BUSINESS knowing so.
She was strangely kind about it, as is typical for Alluka. She told me there was nothing about her for me to be jealous of. I am laughing right now at how inaccurate that statement is. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Alluka has everything. She is happy all of the time and indisputably charming. When Alluka talks, people LISTEN, even if it’s because they like her rather than fear or respect her. She is so confident about who she is, despite being told her whole life she was wrong for it. And, of course, Killua-nii-san adores her.
I did not tell her any of this. I just turned on my heel and walked away. I don’t think I will ever recover from this humiliation.
DAY 17
Alluka READ MY DIARY. This is UNFORGIVABLE.
...it is sort of forgivable. She told me she understands that I want to be close to Killu-nii, and that just because she’s lucky enough to have people who love her doesn’t mean there isn’t anyone who loves me. She promised to always listen to me and she said she’s sorry I feel so invisible.
It is unfair that she is such a good person. I cannot seem to stay mad at her, even though I am an expert at holding grudges.
DAY 19
I cannot sleep.
I have tossed and turned for hours but cannot seem to get comfortable. We arrived in Yorkshire City yesterday and checked into a hotel. Obviously I am not sharing a room with Killu-nii and Alluka, but mine is adjacent. I can hear them breathing. Alluka is asleep. Killu-nii is not. Maybe my brother’s wakefulness explains my own.
DAY 24
Killua-nii-san has agreed to spar with me! First to surrender loses. Nen is allowed. I am looking forward to showing him all I have learned, even if his victory is likely. Maybe, if I am very lucky, he will tell me what he thinks of my Hatsu. Will update later on with how the fight goes.
DAY ??
I have been unconscious for an unknown period of time. There is a bandage wrapped around my forehead, despite my not recalling a head injury. My mouth tastes like burned cotton and I am in a hotel bed with neither Killu-nii nor Alluka anywhere in sight (although my En, sloppy though it is, assures me they are within 20 meters).
What. Happened.
Here is what I remember:
Killua-nii-san and I found an abandoned warehouse on the rougher side of Yorkshin. Alluka perched on an upper floor that was half fallen away -- out of the way so she would not be hurt, but close enough to follow what was happening. I brought out my fan, and Killua-nii-san revealed two yo-yos. Then the fight began.
Killu-nii is FAST. Even without his Nen power, I barely had time to react to his rushes. But I managed to block the majority of them. My fan functions as both a short- and long-range weapon. I used it effectively for defense, but any time I tried to get a swipe in on Killu-nii, he would dodge frustratingly out of range. Whenever I began the process of my Nen, he would force me into a close-up fight again.
That is when a terrible, terrible certainty closed in on me. I knew that this was a battle I could not win.
Of course, I had known this before. But being aware your elder brother is stronger than you is different than realizing mid-fight you will be defeated.
I am unused to this feeling. Zoldycks are supposed to win. Perhaps that is the reason for my panic. Whatever the case, I froze up, I think. I did not want to stop fighting. But every time I tried to step forward, to attack, to DO SOMETHING, a terrible ringing went through my head. My reactions were much slower than normal. Killu-nii landed a hit on me and threw me backwards into the wall, and somehow, I just could not get up. I have taken worse hits before, but the ringing in my head became pronounced, and I could not move.
I remember now something else, a condition Killu-nii set before we fought. If he deemed me unworthy in some way, he had the right to send me away after the fight. This must be why, despite the strange pain whenever I tried to fight, I refused to back down.
I pushed the rubble out of the way and stood. I told myself that I was NOT GOING TO RUN AWAY. This was too important.
I must have said it aloud, because Killu-nii’s face changed severely. He looked almost… frightened? Nen burst up around him, and suddenly he was before me. A sharp burst of pain shot through my head, and that is all I remember.
Despite the bandage around my head and my former pain, my mind feels almost unusually clear. There is no sign of the fogginess or tunnel vision that kept me from fighting.
I am going to venture out of this hotel room in search of Killu-nii, Alluka, and an explanation.
DAY 27
Killu-nii says Illumi-nii-san planted a needle in my head.
I don’t know how I failed to notice this. Maybe it happened when I was too young to realize? According to Killu-nii, it was meant to drill the tactics he and Father taught me directly into my brain and make me… he phrased it “easier to control.” Maybe they wanted to avoid a repeat of Killu-nii’s betrayal. I don't know. This caused the pain when I tried to keep fighting despite my clear disadvantage. Killu-nii realized what was happening when I refused to surrender and ripped it out. Luckily, he said, it was much less severe than his own, three years ago. Does this mean I am seen as less of a threat? Or is it just because I am less important to the family? Killu-nii is (was?) the heir, and more rebellious besides, so maybe both theories are right.
Would Illumi-nii-san do something like that? His needles are incredibly potent, and I have a hard time imagining him taking the risk of using them on us. But I want to believe Killu-nii -- I don’t see any reason for him to lie to me. I don’t WANT him to be lying to me.
DAY 28
I have been considering the truth of what Killu-nii said, and I have decided I believe him. I feel different. Less angry, less tightly wound. It is almost like holding your breath, then letting it go.
I don't wish to go against Illumi-nii-san, but I think I am glad Killu-nii took out the needle.
DAY 31
I have noticed a difference in how Killu-nii treats me. I think the removal of Illu-nii’s needle has convinced him I am not his enemy, and while I wouldn't call it warm by any means, he is… friendly? Almost?
Whatever it is, I am happy with it. All I want is to be close with my brother -- I don’t want to get my hopes up, but I think this is a step in that direction.
DAY 34
I have found Alluka to be an unexpectedly worthy co-conspirator. Killua-nii-san was out getting food this morning -- he only let the two of us stay together after letting me know in no uncertain terms that if Alluka got so much as a papercut, there would be no corpse to find. This never would have happened before Illumi-nii-san’s needle was removed. I think I am right about progress being made. Anyway, while he was gone, I may have decided to borrow some of his clothes. At the time I did not realize Alluka was awake. She was angry at first to find me going through Killu-nii’s things, but once I very sheepishly explained she laughed and told me she takes his stuff all the time -- turtlenecks and eyeliner and socks and hairbands, and that he never even notices it missing (though I think he does notice, most of the time, and just humors Alluka). She helped me put things back the way they were and offered to try a new style on my hair. I say offered, but really she just decided and that was that. When Killu-nii came back, she winked at me when his back was turned and I honestly had trouble keeping a straight face. That never ever happens. I have spent my whole life expressionless, more a doll than a human. But there I was, trying not to snort as Alluka sweetly asked Killu-nii if he might have left his missing shirt at the last hotel.
DAY 38
Killu-nii has introduced me to ice cream. I am never going to eat anything else ever again.
DAY 39
Apparently I am lactose intolerant. I do not plan to let this stop me.
DAY 44
Alluka has forcibly taken control of my diet. I have told her I’m immune to poison and will be fine, but after the third time I threw up from cramps she told me enough is enough. She can be surprisingly bossy, when she needs to be.
DAY 46
Today I competed in a dance tournament with Alluka -- Yorkshin is famous for its extravagant events catered to the superrich, and its yearly balls and dances are no exception. I have never tried ballroom dancing before, but it seemed similar enough to my fighting style as to be natural. So when Alluka asked, I decided to give in to my impulses for once and agreed.
Obviously, we won. Killu-nii watched from the sidelines and stewed -- he and Alluka had entered the same tournament a year earlier and came in second. I have made up my mind to tease him about my superior waltzing skills until the end of time, because it is probably the only thing I am better at.
It is insignificant, but… contestants were allowed in pairs of male and female. When Alluka signed us up, she was politely told that “you and your little sister will need to find some boys to dance with.” I am used to being mistaken for a girl -- it does not bother me -- but I am not used to having someone who cares around, and Alluka corrected that I was her brother, actually. The whole experience was... uncomfortable. It really does not matter, but this odd unease is familiar to me. Maybe I will ask Alluka later, because I cannot identify the feeling.
DAY 53
Killu-nii is not a morning person. Alluka is. This, I have found, creates a discord between them. It is rather amusing to watch Alluka bounce around, making pancakes and chattering about her plans for the day, while Killu-nii stares blankly into a mug of coffee, entirely unresponsive. As he has built a tolerance to just about everything, it takes several cups for the caffeine to kick in. It is a futile habit, but it gets him coherent long enough to shuffle to the bathroom and get ready, by which time he is fully awake. He leaves the door open in case Alluka needs him for something, but otherwise he is Not To Be Disturbed. I have learned the hard way not to startle him while he is putting on eyeliner. Terrifying.
DAY 56
I watched a horror movie for the first time. Overall, I found it subpar; it was not scary in the slightest, the gore was completely unrealistic, and Killu-nii kept snickering and telling me I look like the little girl responsible for the murders. I would take offense, but this means I am pretty and terrifying. Cannot find something to be unhappy with.
DAY 58
My kimono has ripped, and I am DISTRAUGHT.
Alluka has been trying to reassure me -- she has convinced Killua-nii-san to let us go in search of some new clothes. “A mall trip,” she calls it, and insists it will be enormously fun. I do not see much promise in this “mall” unless I can somehow acquire an EXACT COPY OF MY OLD KIMONO. Maybe I am being dramatic, but I loved it so. It was durable, and very beautiful, even if it was somewhat of a hindrance while fighting.
The one upside to this is that Killu-nii has loaned me a pair of his shorts from when he was younger until I get clothes of my own. They are purple and overlarge and NOTHING like what I normally wear. I love them. (This is partially because they are comfortable and partially because they are Killu-nii’s.)
We are going to the “mall” later today. I will update with the success or lack thereof of our mission.
DAY 58, AGAIN
I feel This is I am Today, something remarkable happened.
Firstly, the mall trip was a success. Killu-nii decided on the store, which, truthfully, I was sort of worried about. With his outfits, it is really hit-or-miss. But once we got inside, I was generally happy with the selection. Killu-nii waved Alluka and I off, allowing us to go where we pleased in the store. Truthfully, that meant a lot to me, that he would trust me enough for that. And it only gets better from there!
Alluka and I decided to go look for more feminine clothes. (When I say “Alluka and I,” I mean that Alluka decided and I went along with it. It probably would have been my choice as well, anyway.) Apparently, Killu-nii won’t wear them because “girls’ clothes are uncomfortable and overpriced bullshit.” That’s his mistake, I suppose, and Alluka agrees with me. I find we are agreeing more and more lately. We are very close in age; I have to admit it is nice to have an ...ally, of sorts.
We were looking through skirts when I was approached by a worker for the store. She wanted to know if I was looking for clothes for a sister, a friend, a GIRLFRIEND, and I was beginning to get frustrated by her extensive questioning when I realized the reason for her insistence that the skirt was not for me. I was wearing Killu-nii’s clothes, and my hair was up. I looked, for once, like a BOY.
I found myself somewhat upset with that. I did not know why.
I complained about this to Alluka, and she got oddly serious. She asked if I did not like being a boy -- told me that if I didn’t FEEL like a boy, if I was upset by it, I didn’t have to be.
Rarely does anyone ask how I feel. So I had never really considered this.
I admitted that though I didn’t quite align with the idea of “girl,” I had always preferred femininity, and if given the choice, I would not choose “boy.”
Apparently, there are more options than “girl” and “boy.” I never knew. I am neither. (Alluka calls it “nonbinary.” I wonder at how she knows all of this.)
I am embarrassed to say that I almost cried with relief. Alluka was very kind to me about it; she asked to give me a hug, and I let her. She told me she was happy to know she wasn’t alone… I know exactly how she feels.
DAY 59
Killu-nii says he is proud of me. Close to tears twice in as many days -- I am going soft.
DAY 63
Note to self: NEVER LET ALLUKA TALK YOU INTO THINGS AGAIN! When she said “makeovers” I assumed she meant we would braid each other’s hair and paint our nails matching colors. This, I would have been fine with. But I don’t think this eyeshadow is ever coming off, and Killu-nii is FURIOUS with the both of us, because apparently “liquid eyeliner is expensive as FU- I mean HECK” and “you shouldn’t be messing with my STUFF.” We are currently making plans to flee to the other side of Yorkshin and catch a ship to the Dark Continent. Will update with the success of our mission.
DAY 64
Mission failed. Killu-nii caught us within an hour. I blamed Alluka for her lack of Zetsu. She blamed me for being “too sneaky” (she said it was more noticeable than acting like a normal person) and stuck her tongue out at me. I did not recognize that this was a common expression of displeasure and she had to explain it. Killu-nii ended up being too amused by the two of us to do much other than shock us slightly, which is probably ordinary behavior for an older brother. He tried to act cross, but I could see he was holding back a smile.
I don’t think I have ever been ordinary before. I am beginning to see the appeal in it.
DAY 67
It is very hot outside. Killu-nii and Alluka got ice cream. I had to settle for frozen yogurt. No matter what Alluka says, they are NOT THE SAME.
DAY 72
I called Alluka “nee-san” without thinking about it, and she started crying.
I immediately apologized. But she told me she was crying of HAPPINESS, and that she wished I would always call her that. I agreed, on one condition -- that she is “nee-chan” instead, because that's much cuter, and more familiar besides. She started crying all over again. So many tears, lately, but all of them good.
DAY 74
The USS celebrates their independence day today, and although the three of us are technically citizens of the Republic of Padokea, we participated in the festivities. Having left Yorkshin City fairly recently, we stopped in a nearby coastal town to watch the fireworks. I enjoyed them immensely, as did Alluka-nee-chan, though she said Nanika found them confusing. (I still do not entirely understand the difference between them. Killu-nii and Alluka-nee have yet to trust me enough to introduce me to Nanika, which I suppose is fair.)
I don’t think Killu-nii knew I noticed, but a huge yellow-orange firework went off and he froze up for several seconds. Sometimes I wonder if he is really as all right as he acts…
DAY 77
Today is Killu-nii’s birthday! He is seventeen today. Alluka-nee and I plan to make a cake for him (chocolate, obviously). I have never baked before, but I have had Alluka-nee’s cookies and they are masterpieces. Killu-nii will love it.
Additionally, Alluka-nee (along with Nanika, I think) has made him a quilt. It is very pretty, a patchwork of blue and green and pink and purple and a thousand other colors that should clash but don’t. Around the edges, she has embroidered names of their friends in white -- Canary, Gon, Kurapika, Leorio, Wing, Zushi, Bisky, Kite, Palm, Knuckle, Shoot, Ikalgo, and on and on and on. I will never admit how happy I was to see my name among them.
I decided to draw something for Killu-nii. Art is a quiet activity and therefore permitted by Mother, and I actually enjoyed it and continued it past leaving the family home. The piece is messy, in soft graphite and colored pencil, and all blue except a spot of black and white, showing Killu-nii looking out over the sea. I am a little nervous about showing it to Killu-nii, but Alluka has informed me I have a tendency to doubt myself and that he will love it. I hope so.
DAY 78
The three of us (mostly Killu-nii) finished the cake within ten minutes of Killu-nii blowing out his candles. Alluka-nee says that is probably some sort of record, and that we should be ashamed of ourselves, but she ate just as much cake as I did. I “call bullshit,” as Killu-nii would say. He loved Alluka-nee’s quilt, and he loved my drawing. He actually hugged me, though tentatively -- I was worried I was dreaming, but Killu-nii offered to pinch me and that snapped me out of it. I don’t think birthdays at home have ever been so… close? I like this way of celebrating very much.
DAY 83
I wonder where Killu-nii’s money comes from. I know he is a licensed Hunter, but in the months I have been with him and Alluka-nee he has never taken a job to my knowledge. Was he paid some huge amount in the past? How hard must that task have been? There is much about Killu-nii I still do not know.
DAY 86
Today we ran into the most trouble we could have possibly encountered.
We were looking around in a small market town -- Alluka-nee-chan was searching for local art, I wanted to find a new fan, and Killua-nii-san was, of course, hunting some unreasonably expensive chocolate. It was a very nice day, and everything was perfectly calm.
Then someone YELLED Killu-nii’s name, and he whipped his head around to stare at someone in the crowd. I assumed it was an enemy and immediately prepared to fight. Then Killu-nii ran TOWARD the person. Alluka-nee was laughing. I think Killu-nii was crying a little. I was just confused.
Then I saw who it was and everything made horrible, horrible sense.
DAY 87
Gon Freecss is a force to be reckoned with.
I am not particularly fond of him. (I may still resent him for taking Killu-nii away all those years ago.) Alluka-nee adores him. I have yet to figure out Killu-nii’s feelings on him. Clearly, both of them were incredibly happy to see the other; but there is an undercurrent of tension in their interactions even a water buffalo could pick up.
His earnestness reminds me of Alluka-nee; his bluntness reminds me of Illumi-nii-san; his apparent immaturity, hiding deadly skill, reminds me of several Spiders. I am not going to… how would Killu-nii say it? I “don’t want to fuck with him.” I have a feeling that, Nen-less though he is, a fight with Gon would not end well for me.
He seems somewhat wary of me (good), but he says that “if Killua and Alluka like you, that’s good enough for me!” I did not respond. Alluka-nee told me to be nice. I make no promises.
DAY 90
Gon ruffled my hair. I am planning his murder.
DAY 90, AGAIN
He apologized and offered to teach me how to fish. The murder plans have been suspended.
DAY 94
I did not realize how tall my siblings and I are until Gon joined us. Gon is not tall by any means -- he could be called average, MAYBE. Despite being several years his junior, I’m nearly as tall as him; Alluka-nee is the same height as him; and Killu-nii is half a foot taller. All three of us find a wicked kind of satisfaction about this.
Alluka-nee-chan previously has expressed a dislike of her height -- she is pretty tall for a girl of fourteen, and it makes her insecure -- but now she sees an advantage in it. It is a sort of relief, even if I understand her frustration; it is painful to see Alluka-nee disliking anything about herself, especially things beyond her control.
DAY 98
We are back in Yorkshin City! They have begun hosting the annual auctions again -- for several years, the mafia canceled it out of fear of another attack by the Troupe. Their boneheaded leaders have nothing to worry about -- they would have no interest in a target they’d already hit. From what I’ve heard, it was actually an unhappy time for many of the Spiders. They lost two of their oldest members, plus contact with the boss… though I’m sure they were relieved at Hisoka’s departure. I may not be anywhere near his strength, but I have been repeatedly told I am the most tolerable #4 yet. I take it as a compliment.
We wandered the outdoor auction, which was fun for the first hour but quickly turned into Killu-nii and Gon remembering shared experiences in Yorkshin. Alluka-nee was interested; I paid attention until my confusion overwhelmed my curiosity and I gave up trying to understand. Instead I amused myself by imagining the terrified expression on the vendors’ faces were they to learn my identity.
...Should I feel bad for thoughts like that? I have not killed for nearly a year, stolen only the inconsequential. But Illumi-nii-san taught me my true nature is an assassin’s, and I have not yet left the Phantom Troupe. Killu-nii has quit the family business -- could I as well? Do I even want to? I know I am happier with Killu-nii and Alluka-nee than I ever was at home. Is that enough?
Killu-nii and Gon, Gon in particular, bear a grudge against the Phantom Troupe -- because they kill indiscriminately, and because they are cruel and selfish, and because they caused great pain for someone both of them care for.
I think I am safe, because it is on my back, but I do not want either of them to see my spider tattoo.
DAY 98, AGAIN
Our reservations were mixed up in the hotel’s guest book -- we ended up with two rooms, as planned, but only one bed per room. Alluka-nee loudly claimed one room for us and left the other for Killu-nii and Gon, then slammed the door before Killu-nii could argue.
I gave her a Look -- we have been perfecting these lately, and can have a whole conversation in eyebrow raises.
“Haven’t you noticed the tension?” she said, and I nodded. “I really love onii-chan, and Gon too! But this is for their own good. They need to talk things through.”
As usual, Alluka-nee is right. I can only hope that both of them emerge unscathed.
DAY 105
Alluka-nee-chan and Gon are apparently fairly close. They spent all day today in a park downtown, catching up. She says they texted a lot in the past few years -- a lot more than Killu-nii and Gon, whose contact has been sparse. She thinks it was probably best for both of them, and I agree.
It is obvious they are avoiding each other right now. Neither Alluka-nee or I have seen them argue substantially, but I can sense the growing tension. Around them, the air always smells like a coming storm.
Killu-nii apparently spent HIS day in an ice cream shop on the whole other side of Yorkshin. I found him there dejectedly picking at a bowl of rocky road. According to Alluka-nee, this is his main comfort food. I patted his back awkwardly and scared off the people that tried to sit near us. I think he appreciated it.
DAY 107
It is very late at night, but I swear I can hear someone crying.
Never mind, it has stopped. Hopefully I will be able to sleep now that it is more or less quiet.
DAY 108
I think something has happened between Killu-nii and Gon. The tension between them has dissipated almost entirely; replacing it, the easy familiarity you would expect from two as close as them. They seem quieter, perhaps, but not in a bad way. I don’t know how to explain it, but I think this is for the better.
DAY 111
Something has DEFINITELY happened between Killu-nii and Gon? I overheard them talking late at night -- I don’t think anyone realizes how good my hearing is -- and although I couldn’t make out the words, the sentiment was unmistakably affectionate. Physically, too, they are always close as of late. Debating whether to tell Alluka-nee about this.
DAY 112
I don’t think I have ever seen Killu-nii so happy. I thought he was happy before, but the difference between then and now is remarkable; like the final piece has fallen into place and the puzzle suddenly looks like a whole new picture. Truly, I am glad for him.
All the same, it is very disconcerting to walk in on your brother kissing someone, especially someone you KNOW, especially someone you KNOW and SOMEWHAT DISLIKE. Would like to erase this image from my brain if at all possible.
I told Alluka-nee right away, because I did not want to bear this burden alone, and she promptly SHRIEKED and yelled she’d won a bet. She immediately pulled out her phone and began texting frantically while I looked on, very confused.
I have never heard quite so evil a laugh from my sister as when she saw the replies to her texts. I am convinced she is a true Zoldyck.
Within a minute, Killu-nii burst into our room (I think he must have kicked the door open, it was locked?) and began yelling at the both of us. I understood about 30% of it -- he was very flustered, and I have no idea who Leorio is and why Killu-nii is so upset about texts from him.
DAY 113
Today Alluka-nee taught me the meaning of a “shovel talk.” May be my new favorite thing.
On an unrelated note, Gon finally has learned to fear me adequately.
DAY 127
I met Leorio-san. He was very surprised to be addressed respectfully -- I get the feeling Killu-nii was more or less a hellion at my age. I also met Kurapika-san, who I like quite a bit. They complimented my fan, actually recognizing the craftsmanship. This is quite possibly the quickest way to my heart. Alluka-nee thinks the two of us should start a “Nonbinary Hunters” club. I reminded her that I do not have a Hunter License, but she is holding fast to the idea.
Killu-nii’s friends are loud and enthusiastic and dramatic. I did not expect to like them as much as I do. I remember seeing them for the first time on Kukuroo Mountain, now, though then I did not know their names. They seem almost totally different people than back then, Gon especially -- but then again, I have changed as well.
DAY 148
Kurapika-san and Leorio-san left today. Leorio-san cried a little and denied it vehemently; Kurapika-san rolled their eyes but embraced Killu-nii, Gon, and Alluka-nee anyway. They nodded to me, instead, but even that made me disproportionately happy – to be a recognized part of a group like that, not simply a shadowy bystander. Also, I appreciated the personal space.
It looks like Gon will be traveling with us for the time being – really, I don't think he and Killu-nii will be separating any time soon. That's fine, I suppose. It just means my family will have to get a little bit bigger.
Alluka-nee is jumping on my bed, which is my signal to hurry up so we can leave. I don’t know where we’re going next, but I guess wherever it is will be fine as long as I have my siblings with me.