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The first thing Kim Taehyung thought when he first saw Mathew was "I'm going to look really short next to him".
He didn't even see Mathew's face. He'd rushed to meeting five minutes late, found out the elevator was broken, and then taken the stairs two at a time. When he opened the door to the agency office, there was the usual DSP employee behind their desk and a broad, muscled pair of shoulders occupying one of the chairs opposite. Taehyung's stomach had dropped at what it meant. Okay, he thought next, this is really happening.
The PD-nim looked up when he heard the sound of the door, and then both men got up in polite greeting. The PD-nim was smiling, but he could already sense eyes scanning over his windswept hair from the exertion, the faint slick of sweat building up underneath his armpits. Not the best first impression. The guy, whoever he was, didn't seem to care though.
"Annyehaseyo" he said in a booming deep voice, a strong accent colouring his Korean. "I'm Mathew" he added, smiling the kind of way that probably could put anyone at ease.
"J.Seph" replied Taehyung, bowing awkardly. It felt weird to introduce himself with his stage name, but since this whatever it was, was happening, it might as well be one of the weird things he got used to.
"Brilliant" said the PD-nim, though technically no one had asked. "Taheyung-ssi, this is Mathew. He just got recruited through our audtions in the US and we think both of you could make a good unit together."
There was a second of awkward silence. "Oh, of course" said Taheyung, catching on a second too late. Mathew didn't seem to care though. If anything, his smile got even deeper, like there was something about Taehyung's awkwardness that he seemed to like. Either that or he was laughing at him. Taehyung had a bad feeling it was the second one.
Behind them, the PD-nim shuffled around in his desk before pulling out an extremely battered down, anciet looking key. Taehyung recognised it immediately. "Mathew, this will be the key to your new dorm, where you'll be staying with Taehyung from now on. You guys will have your first joint practice this evening, ten sharp. Taheyung, you'll show him to the practice room?"
"Yes, seonbenim"
"Well, then" the PD-nim looked up, still smiling but eyes at an obvious dismissal. "I'll see you there"
*
"Did you just come to Korea?" asked Taehyung, over an early dinner at the local cafe before practice.
Mathew looked up from where he'd been poking his gopchang with a mixture of both interest and fascination. "Pardon?" he said in English, and Taehyung wanted to kick himself. Of course Mathew had just come to Korea. He was probably regretting it already.
"Oh yeah, I'm from the States" Mathew replied a second later before Taehyung said something even more awkward, running his hand over the back of his neck like a nervous tic, "I'm from LA actually, there are alot of Korean Americans there and there's this major festival, like all the way back from 1995? And alot of agencies do recruiting from there, so yeah, just got here last week actually"
"And your parents are more American than Korean? Have you been to Korea before?" asked Taehyung, adressing the question more to his glass of water.
Mathew laughed good naturedly, managing to sound both awkward and attractive at the same time. "Oh maaan" he said, teasing out the English syllables before switching languages, "Is my Korean that bad? I thought it was okay"
It was actually. He had a tendency to soften some syllables and sometimes his phrasing was slightly awkard, but otherwise his Korean was pretty good. Mathew went on, like the question was rhetorical.
"My mum's pretty Korean actually. She was the first one from her family to emigrate to the States but we used to come down for vacations and stuff. My dad's actually Brazilian though"
"Oh" said Taehyung. He didn't know anything about Brazil. "Do you also speak Brazilian then?" he asked.
"Porteguese" said Mathew.
"What?"
"They speak Portugese in Brazil, not Brazilian"
"Oh" repeated Taehyung.
"I don't speak any Portuegese though. I'm pretty bad at it" Mathew said slightly self conciously, like the admission bothered him.
"Yeah me too" said Teahyung without thinking.
Mathew looked up after hearing that, and they made eye contact over the cheap restaurant food, his lower lip slightly quirked into a smile. Then both of them burst out laughing.
*
The first few days, Taehyung wasn't sure what had inspired the agency to put them together, other than the sneaking suspiscion that he was far too awkward to pair with anyone else. After so long of basically being a loner, living with Mathew in close counters was both great, because he basically put Taehyung at ease, and also terrible, because they were still strangers and Mathew couldn't exactly make up for all the parts where he didn't put Taehyung at ease. The first day, their joint practice was cancelled last minute so Taehyung and Mathew both split up for seperate vocal and rapping lessons instead.
The first night, Mathew came in even later than he did, no doubt having been caught up sorting out stuff for his move. Taehyung lay in the top bunch, and listened to the sounds of his settling down. When it was obvious Mathew was in bed, Taehyung was exhausted, but also felt that awkward urge to make conversation again, to be polite. When looked down though, Mathew was fast asleep, face down in the bed, sneakers sticking out where they were still obviously on his feet.
That first night, Taehyung just made a funny sort of whoosh under his breath and then rolled over and tried to sleep.
The next few weeks their funny little bubble of awkwardness and polite courtesy slowly disappated as one by one, inevitably the real world filtered in. Both of them were up and ready for practice before the crack of dawn where they had the glamorous experience of spending atleast ten hours a day pushing themselves to the breaking point whether it was at dance practice or rapping classes. By the end of the first six months, with a few hundred hours of practice between them and no debut in sight, Taehyung felt ready to collapse.
They were getting better though. That's what he kept telling himself, and it was true, if the slightly softening look in PD-nim's eyes were anything to go by. Somehow, their shared classes were nowhere as exhausting as their regular dance practice and shedules and Taehyung enjoyed them like crazy. Mathew, for all his occasional shyness and his status as an outsider, could rap amazingly and dance even better. When Taehyung joined in, they turned into their own little bubble of energy, like that closed off feeling was returning, and Taehyung got louder and louder. When the finished the song, they made eye contact, and just like all those months before, Taehyung couldn't fight the urge to smile really wide, face splitting open.
"Ohhh man, there's the million dollar grin!" shouted Mathew in English, still clearly high off the buzz of the performance. He turned down the stereo so the room was silent was once again, now filled with nothing but the sound of two boys panting loudly, hands on their knees like some funny symmetry.
"We did good today" Taehyung felt himself saying. The grin on his face felt permanent, invincible, like it could single handedly take over the world.
"We did" said Mathew, to Taehyung, but also to himself. "I think that's our best performance since we started as trainees. It was my best one, anyway".
I really think we can do this was unsaid, but lived in the air. Acknowledging it now would be too soon, but Taehyung felt lighter than he had in weeks.
That night, when he finished washing up and came out of the bathroom, he realised that Mathew had fallen fast asleep with his sneakers on as usual, face buried head first in the pillow and smelling faintly of sweat. Fighting the urge to back away, he bent down and slipped the other boy's shoes off his feet before arranging them neatly by the bed. This time they could do stuff for each other. They were going to debut soon.
*
Or maybe not because a few weeks later when he tried to do it again, Mathew stared at him like he was crazy.
"What are you doing?" he said groggily from where his face was mushed against the pillow, hair sticking up in odd places. There was a bit of dried drool on his cheek. Taehyung found it deeply unfair he was still attractive.
"You always fall asleep with your shoes on and it drives me crazy" he explained, tugging on shoe off his foot like that made sense.
Mathew sat up then, though he had the sense not to put his other shoe covered foot on his mattress. "So you've just been taking my shoes off this entire time?" he asked, but this time round Taehyung had learned to recognise that as a rhetorical question. He focused instead on pulling the other one and arranging them neatly on the floor so he wouldn't lose his mind.
It was only three o clock and the dorm was empty apart from just the two of them but bizarrely, all trainee classes had been cancelled for the day. Eveyone had showed up at their respective practices, and then were told they had an unexpected day off. All the other trainees-those that had been here longer, that had formed their own tight friendship groups- had been thrilled and immediately headed out to town, but even Taehyung could see the tightness in their eyes, the slight stiffness in which they conducted themselves as all of them pretended this normal. On the internet, news was breaking that both Kara and Rainbow had disbanded.
When he straightened up from where he'd been arranging the sneakers, Mathew was looking at him, a little groggy but clear eyed. "DSP's in fucking trouble aren't they?" he said without preamble, the sentence a testament to the kind of invisible telepathy the two of them had built.
It still surprised Taehyung sometimes how observant Mathew was, how quickly he could pick things up. Taehyung looked around the dorm instead, at the neatly folded blankets and shoes scattered around before nodding, throat suddenly stuck.
Mathew extended his arm and Taehyung took it. They'd never been one for skinship before, but somehow they fit effortlessly well, Mathew's arms encircling Taehyung's narrower shoulders. After a few seconds Taehyung buried his head in the crook of Mathew's shoulder and waited for him to pull away. He didn't.
"Everyone else has gone out" he said, voice muffled by the skin. Mathew hummed in response, fingers stroking Taehyung's arm. He shivered and Mathew stopped.
"Oh yeah?" he said, voice still gravelly from sleep. "What do you want to do?"
Taehyung took a minute to think about it, but honestly the answer was obvious. "You know that one practice room that's always free?" said, "You think we try doing that routine a couple of more times?"
When he looked up, Mathew's grin was blinding. "Hell yeah" he said.
*
They stumbled in that night, late but also early compared to the other trainees who were still filtering in from their night out. "You go ahead to the showers I'll be there in a minute" mumbled Taehyung, so tired that in his head he was still doing the routine, but his body felt like he'd been attached to several very heavy rocks even as he lay face down in his bunk bed.
He heard Mathew call out an affirmation, and honestly he was just trying to rest his eyes (and his entire body) for a few minutes, but what felt like an eternity later he was woken up by a soft tugging feeling on his foot.
"What the fuc-" he mumbled before Mathew shushed him gently, pulling off Taehyung's other sneaker. "You always sleep with your shoes on and it drives me crazy" he said cheekily.
"Fuck off" mumbled Taehyung under his breath, but Mathew just laughed lightly before placing a gentle hand on Taehyung's hair.
There was a split second where, through his half lidded eyes, Taehyung could swear that Mathew leaned in before suddenly jerking away, like someone who had just caught himself before doing something embarassing. The moment was over so quickly that Taehyung had all but forgotten about it the next morning.
Almost.
*
If people ever asked Taehyung what made him want to become a singer (if they ever would ask him in the future) he could mention alot of influences, but mostly his real reason was that he was tired of shrinking in on himself. He'd known, from the very first moment that he'd auditioned and been handed his own ancient copy of the dorm key that he was very different from the rest of the trainees. Most of them were impossibly good looking, loud and bright in the kind of way that constantly revealed how much they had something to prove. Many despite their lack of experience, had the kind of polished air you would usually associate with celebrities already, always poised and ready, always eye catching, always ready to please.
Taehyung knew he wasn't like that. Even from the beginning, when he was confused as to why Mathew had been paired with him, he was grateful because out of everyone he knew, he'd adjusted to trainee life the worst: he missed his mum constantly, and he got along with the other trainees but also kept largely to himself. He didn't automatically put strangers at ease like Mathew did. He'd been pretty popular in his own group of friends and in school, but even then he was never the first kid to grab the mic during the noraebang or perform at talent shows or bring attention to himself. He'd spent years inside the trainee system and he was good, probably as good at the kids about the debut, but he'd failed to develop any sort of decent poker face usually associated with celebrities.
He'd auditioned because he'd been frustrated. He was tired of knowing that he was talented and hard working and that he could be funny and charming but always giving in to his nervousness. He was tired of knowing he was capable of so much more than people would usually give him credit for: that he could take care of people, that he could do well in a group, and he'd decided he wanted to change that. He'd auditioned and gotten in despite everything, and no matter how hard it got, he knew he would be even harder on himself if he gave up just before he got the chance to debut and didn't grab the oppurtunity with both hands. He was willing to hold out-for years and years- as long as he had a sliver of chance. For him, his career as almost something he needed to prove to himself, and he was going to make it even if it killed him
Mathew, he knew, was a whole different ballgame. Even in the beginning before Taehyung had ever heard him rap, and his Korean was still clumsy enough to confuse most native speakers, Mathew drew people in, whether it was the other trainees or the ahjumma at the local convenience store, or even the hard lined PD-nim. He was dedicated, pushing himself to work out and train, coming into the dorm at all odd hours and collapsing in the same crumpled heap of sweat stained clothes and trainers. He could chat endlessly to everyone and anyone in the calm, confident voice of his, but after a while of training with him and falling asleep in the bunk on top every night, Taehyung started to notice patterns in his speech, slight dips and variations that meant different things.
He noticed that Mathew could talk day and night about LA and America, but sometimes he touched on something a little too honest like his homesickness, and he wouldn't take it back exactly, but he would sort of just pause, like he was getting back into his poker face. He noticed that Mathew learned Korean very quickly, but sometimes struggling to understand his English was worth it, because he still switched to that language when he was upset, or overworked, or feeling vulnerable. He noticed that Mathew was brigher than the sun when it came to being happy and energetic, but when he wasn't there was no big difference, nothing to signal the shift: Mathew just got a little bit quieter and let the conversation continue to flow around him. Over the years he started to study Mathew the same way he studied his rap and dance lessons, and he'd learned that the other man had different speech patterns, different tones for every situation he came across.
Sometimes late into the night, lying in the bunk bed above him, he listened to Mathew converse with his mother in frustrated, hurt English and knew that no matter how many friends he made or how many people naturally assumed he was the leader in their little group, Mathew was always quietly, infinitely grateful to Taehyung for taking him around Seoul and introducing him to local food and inviting him home so he could have somewhere to go during holidays. They never spoke about it, but it was their little secret, that quiet solidarity of just the both of them.
*
Or maybe it wasn't just the both of them because fuck it, when had Taehyung ever been right about fucking anything? The universe and him were officially enemies now.
The two of them sat side to side in the PD-nim's office, the same one that they had been first introduced to each other. Back then had been awkward and cringey, the kind of situation which Taehyung never wanted to visit ever again. This time round though, his jaw was hanging wide open and he was entirely speechless, so at the very least he was beating his last record.
Atleast when Mathew spoke up, he sounded just as dazed as he did. "A co-ed group?" he repeated incredously.
"Yes" confirmed the PD-nim, shuffling around some papers like it was a perfectly normal suggestion. "We have two female trainees who have been doing very well together and both of you have improved well. Right now, Kpop is becoming very popular oversees and many of the international audiences are more accepting of mixed groups. Mathew is already foreign, so he that's useful with the US audience. After deliberation, DSP has decided we want to create a new group with both of you and the two female trainees"
"But mixed groups aren't popular in Korea" murmered Taehyung. It was a second too late that he realised he'd said it out loud.
"Well" said PD-nim, nostrils flaring in anger, "I'm sure you both will work hard and present a good image as a group then." He ended the sentence and grinned, but it was more like a weird grimance that made his nose comically flat and large.
"We'll work hard sir. Thank you for letting us know" cut in Mathew quickly, taking Taehyung by the arm and practically dragging him out of the office.
*
The bus ride back tot he dorm was strange. Taehyung sat in a daze, head spinning with all the news articles of mismanagement in DSP, about Rainbow and Kara breaking up that he'd read years ago and pushed to the back of his mind. A co-ed group?
Next to him, Mathew was completely silent, refusing to make eye contact to the point where Taehyung was almost beginning to become angry with him, untill they reached the dorm and Mathew dug up a bottle of American scotch that was so large it was almost comical.
"I bought it from one of the tourists in Ilsan" he explained, pulling out two glasses for them to drink, "I wanted to open for our debut but-" he shrugged, and poured himself a particularly generous amount of it. Taehyung followed.
*
Two hours late, both of them were rolling on the floor of the dorm and giggling even though neither of them were sure what exactly they were laughing about. Mathew got flushed when he was drunk, Taehyung noticed, with his face completely red. It wasn't technically attractive, but he found himself staring, mesmerised by the way his cheeks lit up and turned into the same colour as his lips.
He had stared at Mathew's mouth for a good ten minutes before he realised Mathew was staring at him too. They made eye contact and for a second, Taehyung's throat constricted because they were going to-they were going to-
Then outside they heard the sound of a pedestrian shouting, probably at a car driver somewhere and somehow it was the funniest thing ever so they both burst out laughing instead.
"Oh maaaaan" slurred Mathew in English after both of them had managed to calm down, though Taehyung was sure his face gone a very attractive shade of red too. "Oh maaan. This is like-like that time when the entire dorm was like, empty, you know? Do you remember what happened on that day?"
Taehyung took a few minutes to process it, English translating into clumsy Korean in his head. Then he tried really hard to remember the specific date that Mathew was talking about. It seemed super important but now, with the alcohol running through their systems and Mathew right in front of him, all he could really think about was the heat of the other boys arms around him, pulling him closer, making him feel safe and strangely on edge at the same time.
"You hugged me that day" he said, proud to have remembered something.
He'd expected a reaction, like maybe Mathew laughing, but instead when he looked up, the other boy was staring at him drunkenly, heat tilted to the side.
"You know" he said suddenly, apropos of nothing. His voice had gone softer again, at a timbre that Taehyung swore was an important detail, but now he couldn't remember the significance of it. "When I first saw you" he bit his lip before he continued, "I thought you were really handsome".
The compliment made him feel warm inside though he wasn't sure why. He pushed it away and thought about how to respond. Teahyung thought back to running up the flights of stairs at DSP office and opening the door to see Mathew's back, broad and well built even under his clothes. "I thought" he began, and stopped to really think deeply-"that you were really tall"
Mathew laughed but it wasn't the full drunken laugh from before. More like a soft chuckle. "You know," he said, crawling slightly forward so that he was closer to the other boy, "Even if this doesn't work out, like if this all goes to shit or whatever, I'm really-" he stopped and bit his lip before continuing-"I'm really glad I met you. You're great. And what if I'm tall? We're the ~ideal height difference~" he finished the last part in a ridiculous fake cute voice, no doubt ripped off a cheesy variety show he must have watched.
Taehyung burst out laughing at his fake aegyo and after a few seconds Mathew joined in so they were back to their original position of rolling around the floor drunk and hysterical. By the time Taehyung had calmed down, he was so out of breath the only thing he could do was stare at the ceiling, one hand on his stomach, and wait for his gut to stop throbbing. Drunkenly, he noted that this was nice somehow: the sharp taste of the scotch, the cool floor underneath him, the presence of Mathew settling down next to him, so even though neither of them were face to face, Taehyung could feel the warmth emenating from his body. He thought back to the last thing Mathew had said and gave another drunk chuckle: ideal height difference.
Somehow, his brain was stuck on that phrase and he couldn't stop thinking of all the scenarios that could play out, like if he buried his face in the crook of Mathew's neck again, or Mathew back hugging him, wrapping his arms around Taehyung's waist and nuzzling his neck. Or maybe there would be a scenario, perhaps from a variety show in the future, though Taehyung wasn't really sure where the idea was coming from, where he might have to do more than just lean into the crook of Mathew's neck or lean back against his body. Maybe he would have to turn his head, maybe tilt his chin forward, or Mathew would lean down and then plant a kiss right onto Taehyung's mouth. His gut felt a sudden shock of sensation as he thought of that: Mathew's warm lips parting his, his warmth breath and his arms encircling him and most of all that feeling of contentdness, of it being okay, it being right.
He managed to push himself upright, head spinning from alchohol and gut churning from something else entirely. Next to him, Mathew sat up too, looking worried.
"Are you okay?" the other boy asked, making an aborted hand gesture like he was going to touch Taehyung's face but thought better of it, settling on Taehyung's shoulders instead. Up close, Taehyung could see the little bits of stubble growing on his cheekbones and the bags under his eyes. "Taehyung, you alright man?"
Taehyung stared at Mathew. Really stared at him, taking him all in: his small eyes, unstyled hair brushed carelessly over his forehead, his cheeks still red from laughing and alcohol, sweat clinging to shirt and neck. And his lips, strangely shaped, and red from the way he was biting them down. Teahyung stared at them for a good ten minutes,
"Hey man, you're kind of freaking me out a little" murmered Mathew, but he'd leaned in closer to Taehyung, so the words were more of a whisper and his breath tickled Taheyung's mouth. Taehyung felt like he was on fire, starting from the his stomach and spreading everywhere, causing goosebumps to appear on either arms. He leaned in even further, eyes flickering from Mathew's mouth to his eyes.
Mathew didn't move away, like some irrational part of his brain hoped he would. Instead, he raised his arms from Taehyung's shoulders and gently laid one hand on Taehyung's cheek.
Mathew's face was half obscured in the dim light of the dorm, but the look in his eyes wasn't scared. It was more cautious almost, like he was searching for something in the other boy's expression.
"Taehyung?" he asked, and Taehyung would swear even months later that the word sounded hopeful in Mathew's mouth, pleading and careful and strangely vulnerable.
He opened his mouth to respond but instead Mathew bridged the distance between them, pressing their lips together. Taehyung gasped at the sensation of it as Mathew tugged his bottom lip and licked the roof of his mouth cautiously. He tilted his head up in response, deepening the kiss, and Mathew's arms immediately encircled his waist, almost pinning him down, and his first reaction was to shiver. He raised his arms and wrapped them around Mathew's shoulders,ending up with the other boy almost on top of him and everywhere was heat and lust mixed with thousands of terrifying emotions that he did not want to think about.
He pulled back for air and suddenly Mathew froze, hands still encircling Taehyung waist.
Then he let go so quickly that Taehyung fell back and landed on the floor. It wasn't enough of a fall to hurt, but he was too stunned to respond when the other boy scrambled to his feet.
Mathewscrambled to his feet and then just stood there in front of Taehyung, staring at him with his eyes wide. He was swaying drunkenly, but expression was striken, and lying on the floor, Taehyung had the horrific feeling that he'd done something wrong, guilt and shame and humilitation flooding his body in absence of all that heat from a few minutes before. No one said anything for a few minutes.
"I-" began Mathew, licking his lips nervously and then wobbling. "Fuck" he muttered before turning around and running to the bathroom. Taehyung lay on the ground, absolutely humilitated, and listened to the sounds of Mathew retching.
*
The next day morning was painfully awkward. A DSP employee came early morning to personally escort them to the training room where they would be meeting their new members, and neither of them spoke as they got ready, pretending it was from their hangovers. Taehyung kept his head down as made himself as presentable as possible after a whole night of heavy drinking. He could still feel the phantom taste of Mathew's lips against his, Mathew's arms digging into his waist, but every time he lingered on it, he could see the image of Mathew staring at him with an expression terrifyingly close to disgust and felt that same jolt of panic and shame that had eaten him alive on the floor that previous night. He didn't want to think about what feelings had triggered all those actions. He didn't want to think about what he might be, what that might mean for him and their group and the strongest friendship he'd ever had his entire life.
They rode to the building in silence, walked to the training room in silence, and then heard shouting coming from it and were told to go wait on the balcony as the DSP employee sorted it all out. Taehyung glanced at the door as he walked away, and felt dread settle in his belly. He couldn't shake off the feeling that the night had set off the beginning of some sort of personal disaster.
Mathew was already waiting at the balcony when he joined him a second later, arms folded over his chest and hands tucked under his arm pits, probably to avoid freezing from the cold. Below them, Seoul looked slightly dilapidated in the early morning, a light dusting of snow settling over all the buildings and the roads. It was almost five years since Mathew had first come to Korea and looking at him now, Taehyung couldn't help wondering if he saw the city as home now, or if he missed his family as much. After last night, he wondered if Mathew thought coming to Seoul had been a mistake in the first place.
"So" said Mathew finally, breaking the silence after a few tense seconds, eyes still trained on the cityscape, "that's-that's a bit of a mess huh?" he finished lamely, gesturing to the building behind him.
"Yeah" mumbled Taehyung in response, eyes flickering from the city to his shoes to his hands in his pockets.
Next to him, Mathew took a deep breath, the universal sign of someone steeling themselves for something. "Taehyung-ssi" he said formally, the cold making his cheeks go red, "About last night, I, uh-I can't really excuse-I mean, I'm-". He coughed, in an awkward attempt to hide his stuttering, and then cleared his throat. "What I mean to say is-" he said, and then stopped again to run his hands through his hair, the cracks in his facade practically bleeding out. He looked out at the city once again and gulped noisily.
It took a few seconds, but Taehyung knew the broken, uncomfortable tone which he was talking in. It was the practically the same tone which Mathew used to talk to his mother every night over the phone, including nights where he'd lie in the dark for a long time after both of them hung up, sniffing quietly to himself and refusing to mention it the next morning.
Taehyung decided his choice right then and there. It wasn't even a decision almost. The moment he listened to Mathew struggling to speak, and looked up to see him as vulnerable and scared almost like five years hadn't passed and Mathew hadn't become someone who was so talented and confident and infinitely more deserving than Taehyung ever would be, he made his choice. His whole career and their group could go to hell, yeah, but there would always be more important things than that. Like making sure that Mathew never went back to being the person he first was when he came to Korea.
"If you want to, we can never mention it again" he said, making sure his voice was steady as possible even if he couldn't quite look Mathew in the eye. "I know you’re from America, and you must find those kinds of things more common”-
-Mathew shifted uncomfortably, and Taehyung glanced at his face. He looked strangely conflicted almost, like he wanted to interrupt but wasn’t sure if he should. Taehyung pressed on regardless.
“But I want you to know nothing has to change” he said, finally getting the courage to look at Mathew in the eye. “You’re my friend-my best friend, probably the closest friend I’ve ever had in my life and..I want to still be your friend. We’re going to become a bigger group, we’re going to debut soon, and I want to be your friend when all of that is happening”
As he spoke, Taehyung knew he was imagining it, but he felt like there was something heavy growing inside him, starting from his chest and heading all the way to his stomach, making his insides constrict painfully. Mathew was still looking at him though. Mathew was still looking at him, and he was the still the Mathew that he would do anything to protect and the Mathew that worked so hard and helped him no matter what. Taehyung could walk away from this and with a hole in the pit of his stomach, but he was going to walk away with his friendship intact, and that was the important thing.
“I really...I really regret the way I acted yesterday night” Mathew finally said, looking at the ground and then back at Taehyung. “It was...out of line Taehyung-ssi and I hope we can-I mean, I hope you can forgive me and we can…..ah maaan” he gave up and finally said the last bit in English, groaning loudly.
Taehyung burst out laughing and then Mathew started laughing sheepishly and then both of them were standing on the balcony laughing together, and it was almost like it had been way back in the beginning.
*
(Taehyung had no idea what being put in a mixed group would mean for him.)
The first time they’d been shuffled into the practice room together, it had been so, so awkward. The girls greeted them formally and Taehyung realized that he’d actually seen them around the agency before but had never bothered to learn their names until now.
The PD-nim started talking, explaining their concept and Taehyung alternated between glancing at the girls (but hopefully in a cool way, so he didn’t seem like a creep. No one wanted that) and wishing it was socially acceptable to push the PD-nim out of the window. He was having a terrible day, and he was fucking sick and tired of that guy.
He was distracted, staring at one of the mirrors and wondering how exactly their practices would go from now on, when Mathew coughed politely next to him and he realised one of the girls had asked him a question.
“Pardon, so sorry?” he said, attempting to hide the blush that was working up his face.
“I said, Taehyung-ssi it looks like we’re wearing the same outfit” said the girl, smiling slightly awkwardly and gesturing to their grey sweats. Taehyung empathized deeply with both her fashion sense and her sense of nervousness.
“It looks better on you than it does on me” he replied while Mathew nodded in mock agreement. There was a bout of genuine laughter at the joke before the girl introduced herself. “I’m Jiwoo” she said, smiling more brightly.
“Somin” said the other girl in a softer, clearer voice, brushing her dark hair back nervously.
The choreographer came in after that to help them put together a simple routine, just for a showcase in that weekend and Taehyung was absolutely exhausted from everything but halfway through the practice something clicked with all of them and before he knew it they were nailing the whole thing perfectly. He watched all of them in the mirror and he couldn’t help think of what an unusual combination it was, but how much it just worked, Somin and Jiwoo’s body rolls and Mathew and his more hip hop routine. They did a joint vocal class after that, and the moment Jiwoo opened her mouth and sang in a perfect husky voice, she was totally transformed. Somin joined in a few seconds later, and her notes were perfect and high and filled the entire practice room and Taehyung felt goosebumps rise on his shoulders after the girl’s performances were over.
They all went out for dinner later that night, all four them squeezed into one tiny booth together, and as Taehyung watched all of them shovel in noodles and make bad jokes the throbbing in his chest didn’t really go away but something bigger and brigher was joining it there.
*
(Taehyung had no idea what being put in a mixed group would mean for him. It turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to him his entire life)
The frost in Seoul turned colder and colder as the weeks past. Taehyung took a weekend to see his parents, then came back to the dorms and gave himself time to get through things, bit by bit. He let himself get thrown back into the usual trainee shedule, back to back practice after practice until he was too exhausted to think about anything when he lay in bed and closed his eyes. He ate. He trained. He slept. He taught himself to take deep breaths every time Mathew looked away instead of making eye contact and he felt like his heart was finally giving up on him and his chest was going to crumble with the pain of it.
He learnt that Somin and Jiwoo are so, so different but also so, so wonderful. A few weeks into their practice, it became apparent Jiwoo had decided she wanted an equally awkward person to hang out with so the two of them started spending a few of their spare moments together, going to Hongdae and watching street dances that Jiwoo insisted that they were better at and then chickened out from doing at the last minute. He admired her for the fact that she was so young and inexperienced but so ready to do what it took.
He learnt that Somin wasn’t the oldest, but she had the most amount of experience between the two of them. She told them the story of how she’d debuted then had to re debut, and even though Mathew and Taehyung never explicitly comfirmed it, both of them felt a deep sense of shame over their own doubts with being put in a mixed group. It somehow never occurred to them that Jiwoo, with only two months of practicing under her belt, and Somin, with her voice and experience, would be owrried about being put in a mixed group too. It made Taehyung want to work harder, even for both of them.
It was weird and awkward sometimes, and Taehyung realised that’s just how it would be when they were trying to do something that had basically never been done before, but the four of them gradually got closer together. It became normal for Taehyung to look over his shoulder to check on not only Mathew but also Jiwoo and Somin. It became normal for him to be woken up by a hand that was mostly Mathew’s but also Somin’s and Jiwoo’s. It became normal for another member to dig out the headphones that he managed to lose for the sixteenth time, and for another one to do late night grocery runs as they stayed up for practice till five am.
There was still that divide between them, but Taehyung wasn’t stupid enough to think that it would ever last. All groups, regardless of gender, he’d learned, became closer and closer until finally years of living in the same space and having the same shedule made it impossible to have any secrets.
So one thirty in the morning, when both Jiwoo and him were standing at the convenience store opposite the practice room, trying to decide which snacks were the best to buy for three more hours of practice, Taehyung had spent about ten minutes holding a packet of shrimp and complaining about how Mathew wouldn’t shut up about hot cheetos even though he hadn’t been to LA in years and there were other perfectly good Korean snacks around when Jiwoo took the bag out of his hands, looked him dead in the eye and said “Listen, we have to talk about this”
“About Hot Cheetos? Yes, they’re the dumbest things on the planet. I can’t believe we have to deal with his ranting”
“Oppa, you deal with his ranting. The rest of us don’t even bother”
Taehyung stopped at something in her tone. He’d never really thought of himself as someone good at reading people, but his gut instinct pulled through again to say there was way, way more to the statement than that.
Jiwoo stopped too. She looked down at the energy drinks in her hands and at the shelf of snacks in front of them and then at her shoes. “Somin and I were talking about it” she said finally, lowering her voice even though the ahjumma was barely paying attention to them. “You-you like Mathew oppa don’t you?”
“Of course I like him. He’s my friend” muttered Taehyung even though he knew it was an entirely ridiculous response.
“No, I like Mathew-oppa because he’s my friend. I see him as a friend. But the way you guys act around each other-oppa do you like him more as a friend?”
It occurred to Taehyung at that very moment, that he was stupid. Or at the very least that he should stop assuming he knew what he was doing. He had no idea years ago that auditioning and training would lead to this, standing in the snacks aisle at one am in the morning with a female member of his group that was calling him out on pining with the sole other male member of the group.
How was he supposed to respond to that? Mathew and him were friends, but they were also largely strangers now, living in the same quarters but also making sure to give each other as much as space as possible. It was nothing like the years before when both of them were stacked on top of each other in the bunk beds and it was them against the world in their own little orbit, pulling closer and closer till finally they’d collided and Taehyung had learnt the hard way from his mistakes. He’d done his best not to think about it and in the rare times he caught himself thinking about it, he made sure to return to his usual list of excuses: that Mathew was a guy, that Mathew didn’t want him, that whatever it is, no matter how normal it seemed to be in his head, wasn’t actually and was unnatural and strange at worst. Right now though, at one thirty am when all four of them had practiced so hard they couldn’t feel their legs and Jiwoo was looking at him with curiousity and cautiosness, but not really digust, that he finally gave up and blurted it out.
“Yeah” he said finally. “Mathew and I-I mean we’re just friends, but-yeah, I like him more than just a friend”
Jiwoo just looked at him, her face morphing into something that looked like concern.
“You can’t tell him” said Taehyung, suddenly panicking. “You can’t tell him, he’ll hate me”
“Have you guys spoken about it?” Jiwoo asked cautiously.
“Not in so many words, but yeah, we decided to-” he realised too late that this would mean telling Jiwoo about the kiss. “We’ve decided we both don’t want that. How did you know? Did he tell you?”
Jiwoo rolled her eyes and muttered something that sounded suspiciously like “men”. “Both Somin and I just guessed, oppa” she explained.
Then, just as they exited the shop, she shyly placed one hand on his shoulder. “It’s alright if you like him, you know” she said gently, “None of us are going to judge you if you like Mathew-oppa, or if Mathew-oppa likes you-”
“-he doesn’t-”
“But anyway” she said, glaring at him, which shut him up even though technically she was the maknae, “no one in the band cares if you like a guy, oppa. I hope you know that”
When they got back to the practice room, Somin and Mathew were both sitting next to the mirrors, no doubt getting gross sweat all over it, and giggling over what looked like a really bad English joke.
“So then you say, “WHATS UP?” said Mathew and Somin laughed so hard she ended up lying on the floor and had to take a moment to try and breathe.
Jiwoo started complaining about the two of them sweating up the mirror even as she handed them both their favourite snacks and sat against the mirror herself, doing the same thing. Taehyung turned on the music again before settling down next to them, and for a second it was just the four of them giggling and eating, the music playing softly in the background as they all procrastinated on their upcoming dance showcase. It felt nice. Taheyung was absolutely exhausted, but he let himself be happy in that moment, sipping on his drink and letting the girl’s chatter wash all over him. He was deeply, unnaturally aware of Mathew’s body, just a few feet away, but he chose to viciously ignore that.
Break got over a few minutes later, and Taehyung got up to turn on the actual music, while Somin, ever the undeclared mother of the group, immediately began collecting the empty packets and fussing to make sure they threw away their trash properly. Taehyung disposed his and then stood at the centre of the practice room, stretching out his tired shoulders and arms as they got ready for their next round of dancing. When he looked down, Mathew was still sitting next to the mirror, staring at him. He looked away right after that.
“C’mon” Taehyung muttered, forcing himself to walk over to Mathew casually and pull him upright so that the two of them stood side to side in the mirror. “We need to get that move right again”
“Yeah oppa. Try not to trip again” said Somin teasingly. Sometimes, Taehyung wondered if he should ever be jealous of their easy camaraderie, how obviously beautiful they were together, but when he glanced at Somin in the mirror, she wasn’t looking at Mathew anymore. Instead, her eyes were trained on Jiwoo retying and fluffing up her hair.
Well.
*
The spring gave away to the hottest summer he could remember, and he took care of his members the best he could, making sure Jiwoo was eating well even when they were told not to, making sure that Somin was home safe every night, making sure that Mathew didn't disappear under all the laundry he forgot to do.
One night, he woke up at the crack of dawn after Mathew's phone started ringing nonstop. Groggily, he unplugged it from the charger to find four miss calls from a contact named Mom. The phone was on 1% battery life. He glanced over at Mathew in the bed opposite to him, who was fast asleep, face down and exhausted even from his usual standards, and he found himself unplugging the phone and turning it off before tossing it in the direction of the kitchen, where it couldn't be heard from their room. He forced himself to go back to sleep before he could think too deeply about what he just did.
The next morning, Mathew looked rested maybe for the first time in weeks, and at breakfast, he made Taehyung's favourite pancakes and hot chocolate, even if the weather was too warm for that.
"I really don't talk about myself that much" he said, staring at the glass instead of Taehyung, like a funny reverse of their earlier roles, "but thanks for that"
"Anytime. You're my friend" replied Taehyung. They made eye contact, and as Taehyung went back to digging into the food Mathew had made for him, he realised that they'd always have this. He'd probably never have anything more, but there would never be a day where they didn't care about each other.
He could learn. He could learn to be okay with it even when they weren't going to be okay.
*
The spring transitioned into summer and Taehyung fell into the routine he felt like he’d always been in, with the exception being that this time round, he had two more people to share that pain with. When he was exhausted at three in the morning from and hungry and convinced he was getting worse, not better, there were two more people in the room he could share that pain with. When he lost his headphones for the sixteenth time in a row, it was Somin who would find them buried under all his clothes and hand it to him with an apologetic smile. He had two more people to look after, one more person to buy food for when Jiwoo struggled with the new practice time tables and cried and didn’t tell anyone, just like Mathew.
Truthfully, he’d never quite gotten over the shock of being in a co-ed group, but as weeks passed, having the girls became more and more normal. Somehow though, his dream of debuting, the nights he’d imagined doing hip hop and rapping away to his hearts content in a boy group was something he’d decided he’d long since given up after knowing the girls.
Except the label calls them in a few months later and lays out a plan for the whole “KARD Project Singles” thing and puts their faces on a billboard right outside the record label building and it doesn’t register with Taehyung but at all even when they go to the studio and lay tracks and practice their brand new choreography.
Except Oh Na Na drops and then the video goes on to get five million views. And then before they know it they’re three songs in and Rumor has charted in thirteen countries. And everywhere he looks there are people pouring in with their love (mostly in English,which he’s glad he understands somewhat) and affection, people buying their songs, people voting for them to go on ASC even before they’ve debuted.
People like them. People want them to succeed. For the first time in years he thinks he may genuinely have a chance at this.
They haven’t debuted yet but they’re on the way to their very first tour overseas and there’s talks of a reality TV show as well and its all so overwhelming but all of them are sitting in the PD-nim’s office next to each other and for the first time Taehyung’s managing to look calm and composed. He’s got this. This is actually happening after so long, and for the first time he genuinely feels ready for it.
They wrap up their meeting and the PD-nim’s heading out to talk on the phone or something, honestly Taehyung doesn’t give a shit, and Jiwoo starts excitedly about the prospect of traveling. Now that Taehyung’s officially noticed it, he can’t unsee how Somin largely tries to seem cool and collected, but her eyes follow Jiwoo any moment she can, how her hands tremble just slightly when she gestures and her voice is slightly higher than usual. It’s a good act though. It’s hardly noticeable if you weren’t looking so closely, if you didn’t know what that felt like. He wonders if he does an equally good job of hiding it himself.
“Hey” said Mathew and he looked up from watching Somin’s hands to see Mathew sitting at the far end of their group. “How you feeling man?” he said in English.
“Oh you know” he replied in English, “I’m totally cool man”
Mathew laughs, and its nothing more than a tiny, soft chuckle, but he can’t help the way his heart spikes after hearing that. Then Mathew reaches out and puts one extremely long arm on Taehyung’s shoulder and squeezes gently.
“You’re going to do so well man” he says in English. The tone is soft though. Gentle. Affectionate. It’s nothing like the easy camaraderie they had years ago when both of them were curled up together on a bunk bed in their old dorm, a thousand years ago before everything had cracked and fallen apart and never been quite the same since, but the affection is Mathew’s eyes is exactly the same as it was all those years ago.
They’re going to be alright. Taehyung looks at Somin and Jiwoo and Mathew (thinks about Jiwoo saying “No one cares who you like oppa”) and something heavy in his chest doesn’t feel so heavy anymore.
“You too” he says back, just as affectionately.
They’re going to be alright.