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Mark woke sweating, with an elbow in his back and hair in his face. He swatted the duvet down and off his face before rolling off the limb. He spit hair out of his mouth.
Propped up, he looked down at the two men in his bed. Jack, to the left of him, whose elbow had prodded him awake, and Danny, whose hair had tickled his nose until he snuffed it away. Why had he agreed to sleep in the middle tonight? It never turned out well for him.
Mark sunk back into the mattress with a sigh. The king size bed was still too small for them, and too hot for whoever was stuck in the middle. Mark had tried countless times to convince his boyfriends to invest in a higher-tech mattress, something that cooled and distributed heat, but to no avail. He'd have to stick them in the middle slot and convince them sometime.
He tossed and turned and settled on his side, facing Danny. He lay the same way Mark did, hair strewn out behind him. Mark ran his fingers through it, careful to dodge tangles in the curls.
He remembered when he'd first seen Danny, when Jack had brought him over for dinner. He'd stood in Mark's doorway, in low rise jeans and a leather jacket, smiling like a child. His hair wasn't as long then, but he wore his scruff the same. The Rush t-shirt he wore was faded and fit him well, and the glint in his eyes said he knew exactly how good he looked (and that he knew you did, too). The glance Mark gave Jack was of pure awe and the look he received expressed 'I know, right?'
At the memory, Mark couldn't help but smile. He'd expected to hate Dan the second he saw him, and to a certain extent, he had. He was handsome and charming and knew Jack on a different level than he did. Perhaps intimidation was what he felt, but it was fleeting. As the night went on, Mark found himself enjoying Danny's presence, and instead of feeling petty anger, he understood the interest Jack had taken in him.
Mark lay on his stomach and turned his head to Jack. What a sight he was when he slept. Hair matted and sticking out wildly, lips parted in the slightest. His brow was relaxed but seemed raised in comparison to how he usually held it; furrowed and concentrated. The sight reminded Mark of the first time he'd seen him asleep.
It wasn't too long after they'd started dating, only a few dates in, actually. Mark had invited him over for a Friends marathon and air-popped popcorn, which Jack had agreed to giddily. They snuggled up on Mark's couch and began their evening, but before they'd made a dent into a season, Jack had nodded off. Mark watched him instead of the show. When he came to, he apologized over and over, explaining that he'd had a bad day at work with little sleep from the previous night, all of which Mark waved away.
"Stop apologizing," Mark had said. "It's okay." He pushed strands of Jacks hair back into place. "Hey, why don't you just sleep here tonight?"
That, of course, had been the start of weeks Jack spent there, too comfortable and lazy to remove himself. Mark wasn't complaining, though; he'd finally scored himself a boyfriend that hadn't run after the mention of his asexuality. It was a bonus that he liked to stay over.
Mark remembered that conversation, remembered dreading it. Up until that point, sex hadn't really come into the picture, but Mark could feel it breathing down his neck. The first couple dates, it'd been mainly talking, and they'd only really made out once. But the further they sunk into their relationship... What if Jack was expecting more soon? Was that the timing other couples had? Mark hadn't a clue.
So, he made dinner and invited him over. It was ready a smidge too soon, so he found himself pacing the floor. The knock on the door startled him. He hurried over to it and smiled at his guest.
"Hey, come on in." Mark held the door open and stepped aside.
Jack grinned at him, then pulled him in for a kiss after the door was closed. Jack then kicked off his shoes and made his way to the kitchen, mumbling about how good it smelled. Mark laughed despite his anxiety.
And then they ate. Jack filled the silences with stories from his day and gossip from his office. Mark nodded along, trying not to let his nerves get the best of him, but to no avail.
"Hey, are you okay?" Jack had asked. "You seem... off. Is something wrong?"
Mark shook his head. "No, I just..." He shook his head. "Finish your story."
Jack set his fork down. "No, what's wrong? You've been weird all night."
Mark sighed and pushed away his picked-at plate so he could lean on the table. "There's nothing wrong... I just, I need to tell you something."
"Well, out with it." Jack laced his fingers in front of him, intent on Mark.
He took a deep breath, then forced himself to meet Jack's gaze. "I'm asexual."
Silence, but only for a moment.
"In what sense?" Jack asked, brow furrowed.
Mark swallowed. "In the sense that I'll date you and kiss you, but it won't go farther than that physically."
Jack mulled that over for a second, then shrugged. "Thanks for telling me. But honestly, Mark," he placed a hand on his shoulder, "that doesn't matter to me. I like you, and not for your body. It's cool. Stop looking so worried." He squeezed his shoulder, a small smile on his lips. "Did you think I would dump you over that?"
Mark bowed his head. "I haven't exactly had any other outcome."
Jack stood and pulled Mark up with him, then wrapped him up into a hug. Mark let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding, a breath he'd held since the first time he ever came out to a boyfriend.
Eventually, Jack had more questions, but he was always polite about them. He'd start out slow and word his wonderings with a care Mark had never expected. He was considerate and well-informed and never judgemental. He had an ear for Mark's words that he had never dreamed of finding in a man.
Danny, on the other hand, had no such regard. Upon hearing the term 'asexual' and being given the brief definition, the first question he had was, "So you don't jerk off?"
Mark's face had burned scarlet, and Jack had scolded Danny for the question.
"No," Mark said, "it's okay." He turned back to Dan. "If you're that curious, then... yes, the answer is sometimes. But I don't do that kind of stuff with other people, and other people don't do it to me." Mark scrunched up his shoulders, holding back a shudder. "Just the idea of it gives me the heebie-jeebies."
Danny nodded. "What do you do it to, then?"
"Dan!" Jack glared at him from the armchair. "That's enough."
"What?" he asked. "He said it was okay." He turned back to Mark, who was bright, beet red again.
"Um," he said.
"You don't have to answer that," Jack said.
"Yeah, sorry, I've just," Danny shrugged, "I've never met anybody who's ace before. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."
Mark nodded and clutched his coffee to his chest.
"Talking about that stuff makes him uncomfortable," Jack said. "He knows that when you're asking, you're picturing him in that situation. Apologize."
Dan's head dipped. "I'm sorry. I didn't think about it like that. I-I wasn't thinking about you, either, if that makes you feel better."
Mark shook his head. "Thanks."
"So... not even Jack knows the answer to that one, huh?" Dan asked.
Mark shook his head. "I don't think he's ever asked me if I masturbate, either."
Dan nodded and laughed. "Well, now we all know."
Mark could smile at that memory now (things were always funnier in retrospect). He was a bit more comfortable in his skin, and a lot more comfortable with his partners. That was one thing he appreciated about their relationship, and why he believed they'd gotten this far: their honesty. After months of dancing around each other and trying figure out who goes where and when, they decided to cut through it. They began being (sometimes brutally) honest with each other, from what they wanted for dinner to nights they wanted specific one-on-one time. And the others had to accept it but be honest back, something that had seemed dreadful from the outside but was wonderful to live in, especially when the three of them agreed on something.
This philosophy was something Mark had tried implementing much before Danny was in the picture. He had been as honest as Jack would allow him about what his asexuality preferred, unsure where the 'too-much-information' line was and if he'd crossed it. He tried so hard to make sure Jack was comfortable and that his needs were taken care of.
And he told him as much, over the phone, on his mother's back deck. It was Thanksgiving evening and the first time they'd been in different places since they started dating. Mark was worried about Jack being alone. Although he knew Jack had needs, needs he wouldn't understand until the day he died, he didn't want Jack to go all out the first minute he'd left.
"I just--" Mark ran an hand through his hair. "Jack, I want you to know that you can find someone else to, y'know... take care of you. Of you and your..." he closed an eye "...needs."
"What are you talking about?" Jack had asked.
Mark exhaled. "I'm saying I want you to be honest with me." He paced around the deck. "Jack. You're a regular, gay man. You've got to be, like, starving or something. Just--tell me if you are. Let me know if you need to... scratch that itch. I just want to know."
There was a small silence, then Jack exhaled. "I don't want to hurt your feelings."
"You're not going to! How many times have I encouraged you to relieve those frustrations? To take care of your own needs?"
"I know, but..." He sighed. "I feel awful just barely thinking about you when we kiss. And the only person I'd want is you, and I know I can't, so I don't. And I don't want you to feel guilty when I say that. I don't to make you uncomfortable when I say that I think about you sometimes when I jerk off because I want you so bad. I don't want you to do that for just me, but I don't want anyone else. That's the only issue, Mark. And if that's the only problem I have, I'm okay with staying home and taking care of myself, by myself."
That wasn't the exact answer Mark had been expecting, but he was more than glad to accept it.
Those words rang true for a while--Jack didn't search for other people and Mark didn't let himself feel guilty for it. But one evening, Jack finally took up the offer.
They were sat on his couch, drinking cocoa and listening to holiday records. Small talk was made idly, but mainly, they sat silent, curled up in the blanket and each others company.
"Hey," Jack said. "Do you remember a while ago telling me that... that I could find someone to fool around with?"
Mark nodded, swallowing his cocoa. "I do, yes. As long as you tell me, and it's just fooling around."
Jack nodded, eyes on the coffee table. "Well... I'd like to take you up on that now, if that's okay."
"Of course," Mark said. "Do you have someone in mind or are you just gonna head to the bars?" He sipped from his mug.
Jack shrugged. "I dunno." He took a drink. "I just... I've been thinking about it a lot lately. And it's... it's just something I crave. I'm sorry."
Mark shook his head. "You're sorry? I'm the one that's forced my own boyfriend into another man's bed." He grinned into his mug.
For a few weeks, Jack spent tentative nights out at bars, being picky and prude. Then, one night, weeks later, he came over to Mark's with flowers.
At Mark's furrowed brow, he exclaimed, "I found someone!"
"Someone for what?" Mark had asked. He closed the door behind Jack as he stepped in.
"Someone for, um," Jack said, then Mark finally caught his drift.
"Oh, wow," Mark said with a laugh. "Okay. And that's cause for flowers?"
"Yeah, well." Jack shrugged. "I didn't know how to tell you." He pushed the bouquet towards him. "It's just gonna be one guy. He's from sales in my office."
"Oh," Mark said. He made his way to the kitchen to find a vase.
The feeling Mark had experienced at that moment was all in his abdomen--relief and worry at the same time. He was glad Jack was being taken care of, finally, but he knew that he could leave him just as easily as he could stay. It made his tummy turn in a way he knew all too well.
Mark, in the big bed with no space, turned on his side to face Jack. As he looked back on it, it seemed so ridiculous to worry. The sweet boy before him only loved him, how had he not seen?
He could only thank the clouds that he'd been calm throughout the introduction of Danny to their lives. It wasn't that strange if Mark had thought of him as only a friend. Jack's friend that he'd spend nights with and come back from looking satisfied yet guilty. Mark wished he could Magic-Erase that look from existence; it only made him nervous.
Just when this had become their normal, Jack started looking guiltier and guiltier. He would seem fine until he thought Mark wasn't looking--that's how he knew it was bad.
One evening, Jack invited him over, and Mark knew from the phone call that he would get answers that night. Mark was sat down on the couch with a mug of tea, left sweating and staring until Jack could spit it out.
"Okay," Jack said, but it seemed to be to himself. "Okay, so, listen. Don't freak out, okay? I just need to be honest with you."
Mark nodded and placed a hand on Jack's knee. "Take your time, baby. Breathe."
Jack nodded and took a deep breath before he spoke. "So, you know I've been seeing the Danny guy." He waited for Mark to nod. "And it's been mainly physical, ever since whenever we started. But, as of late, we've been chatting more, before and after we..." He cleared his throat. "Yeah. And I've always known he's charming and funny, but... I dunno. It's different, he's..." He shook his head. "It's been different, lately."
"Different how?" Mark had asked, fearing his worst worries were coming alive.
"Different, like..." Jack exhaled and shifted in his spot. "The way he talks to me and he touches me, it's deeper. He's funny and he listens to me and remembers what I say and he's so, so handsome." He shook his head. "What I'm really trying to say is--and let me finish my thought here--is that... I'm starting to develop feelings for him. And I just know he feels the same. But I still have feelings for you, I--I never stopped." He grasped Mark's hand. "I don't want to lose either of you, and I don't know what to do, and I'm sorry. The only thing I knew to do was tell you."
Mark nodded, eyes on their hands. He took a moment to let his words sink in, then met Jack's eyes.
"Thank you for coming to me with this," he said. "I think any other man would just up and leave for the other guy at this point."
Jack smiled sadly. "Never." He squeezed his hand.
Mark asked, "So you want to date both of us?"
Jack's head dipped. "I know I like both of you, and I don't want to choose. I feel selfish."
Mark shook his head and squeezed his hand. "Jack, darling," he said. "The solution is simple. Just date both of us."
Jack had argued for a minute, baffled by the fact that Mark was okay with it. Mark assured him that it was fine, as long as both he and Danny knew about each other, and as long as they got the same amount of time. Jack worried to him about being strung out between the two of them, but Mark simply waved it away. It would only be as hard as they made it. It took Jack a few more mugs of tea to calm down (and weeks to stop feeling guilty).
After talking to Danny about the situation, Jack let Mark know that he wanted to meet him. So, they decided on dinner at Mark's place, and the rest was history.
Mark, even as he was half-asleep (or perhaps amplified by it), felt so lucky to have both of them. He knew that things like the relationship they had wasn't mundane, so it was cherished. They all loved each other and Mark could feel it in his core like the consumption of a hot drink.
He turned on his other side and snuggled up to Danny, an arm over his side and nose in his hair. Jack stirred at the sudden movement and gravitated to Mark's body heat, wedging a knee between his and draping an arm over both of them.
"Hey, Jack?" Mark whispered, turning his head.
Jack hummed and pressed his forehead to the base of Mark's neck.
"I love you."
Jack laughed. "That's so sweet," he said, voice low and smile evident in it. He kissed his shoulder. "I love you, too."
Mark smiled and closed his eyes. Maybe the middle spot wasn't so bad after all.