Chapter Text
Barry sighed. He hated slow days. He was working in his lab at the CCPD, but not a lot was going on today. He preferred it when there were more cases, not because he wanted more crime, but because it meant it was busy. And when he was busy, he didn’t have time to think about everything.
He ran a hand through his hair as he waited for his computer to finish running the lab results. When he was busy, he something to direct his focus into, give it all his attention. He had something to direct his energy into, as opposed to slow days, like today, when he’s just sitting around waiting for the grass to grow.
He found out lately that if he didn’t keep busy, it left little spaces for the grief and guilt to creep in, it would come sneaking back into his mind before he realized what was happening. Lately he’s been putting in a lot of time and effort into work and Flash duty, keeping as busy as he can.
One of the other forensic scientists called in sick last-minute today, so Barry volunteered to cover the shift, more than happy for an excuse to keep busy. In all reality, he probably should have done Flash duty today, keeping an eye on things. But it was only a couple hours, then someone else would arrive, and he’d go back to Flash duty.
When he had woken up that morning, it was to Len making Breakfast. He smiled to himself at how domestic the thief could be. He kinda just stayed at Len’s apartment that morning, until the email came in about the shift.
He told Len that he had to cover a shift at work. “Thank you, for letting me stay here,” he had said.
“Any time, kid.” Len had replied, and Barry got the feeling he’d meant it. He was pretty sure he grinned like an idiot in that moment, which he should really care more about.
But he kinda didn’t. The young hero wasn’t exactly sure what this thing was yet, but he also wasn’t sure he wanted to try and define it. He just wanted to enjoy it while it lasted, whatever it was, wherever it led. It was selfish of him, he knew. But was it so wrong to want to be selfish, just this once?
Whether this thing turns out to just be a friendship, a strange one but a friendship nonetheless, or something more, he was content to let it play itself out. It made is gut twist a little in anticipation of what’s to come, and he couldn’t wait to find out.
His computer beeped, bringing his focus back to the present. He looked at it, seeing the test results.
He quickly scribbled them down on a piece of paper and started the other tests. Once those were finished, he emailed the results to the officer that requested them. He picked up the next case file, the last one he’d gotten, and started looking through it.
He was in the middle of emailing the last test results when he got a call from Cisco.
"What's up?" He answered the phone, holding it to his ear with his shoulder and as he super speed-typed the rest of the email and proof read it. He sent it off and grabbed the phone with his head again, taking a sip of his coffee.
"We got a robbery happening at the bank on Seventh and Main," he said. "Three armed robbers with hostages."
"Meta?" Barry asked.
"Nope," Cisco said.
"I'm on it." Barry sped out of his lab, speed-changing into his Flash suit and running towards the bank.
He zipped in to where the three were holding everyone hostage. One of them pointed a gun at him, yelling at the other two. "Go, get the money!" They ran into the back.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you," Barry told him, holding up his hands.
"Well you're not me," he snarked back, a black ski mask pulled over his face. He turned the gun on a hostage. "Try to stop as I shoot," he said, grabbing the woman and pressing the gun to her head.
He held up his hands. "Okay, my bad. I'll just let you walk right out."
"BOYS! LET'S GO!" He called over his shoulder, keeping an eye on Barry.
The other two men ran out with the money. The first man turned to them for a split second and Barry moved, running at them. He grabbed the hostage first, getting her out of the was and then disarming and tying them all to a pillar in the bank.
All the hostages ran outside, and he ran back outside were a couple police cars were just arriving. They got out of their cars, "All yours!" he called, running off again. "You got anything else for me, Cisco?"
"Well, there's a carjacking on Second, but don't you have work?" His friend's voice came through his ear.
"Yeah, but this will only take a second." He grinned to himself, it felt good to be helping again. He zipped over, stopped the car thief and zipped back into the lab, sitting in his chair. He sighed.
Back to nothing. He checked his email, seeing as he nothing to do at the moment. Mercifully, an officer came into his lab a minute later. "Got some more case files for you, Allen."
"Thanks Officer Myres, you can just set them right there." He replied. The officer did, lingering for a moment longer than necessary. Barry looked up at him. "Officer?"
"What do you think about all this...black hole business with the Flash?" He asked, and Barry's heart sped up.
"What do you mean?" He asked, trying to sound casual.
"I mean like, the whole thing in the sky and the Flash getting his own day and everything? Like, the guy seems kind of all over the place to me. From what I hear, he barely even showed up to the Flash Day event."
Barry shrugged, "I don't know. He's only one guy, I mean, he can't be everywhere as once, even as fast as he is."
"Yeah, well it just seems like he's been getting kind of complacent lately. Personally, I think it's a good thing the police will always be here. We may not be meta humans, but at least we're not playing with the lives of innocents." He said, turning and walking out.
Barry tried not to think much of it, but the words stung a little. Okay, they stung a lot. Not even the police thought he was good enough. Not even the people he was trying to protect. What was the point? He might as well admit that he isn't that symbol of hope he once was.
For every one person that was for the Flash Day, there's at least 4 others that disagree with it. Disagree with him being who he is. What's going to happen when he isn't fast enough? There's going to be a day when he won't be able to save anyone, when he'll screw up even bigger than he did with the singularity because he's selfish.
Then what will they say? What will happen when the Flash finally fails the City he's sworn to protect? The city that trusted him with their lives and families? He held his face in his hands.
What happens when nobody wants him anymore. As Barry Allen and as the Flash. What happens, when the forensic scientist no longer has anyone that cares enough about him, and the Flash's beloved city doesn't want him there any longer? What will he do then?
He felt a stinging in his eyes, and quickly blinked. No. Not here. Not now. I will not cry here. I can't cry here. I won't. His throat swelled, tightening a little bit and he swallowed.
No. I won't cry. I will not cry right now. Not here. He pushed it down, shoved it away. It came back. He took a shaky breath. He laid his head on the counter, standing there, forehead pressed to the cool surface.
Five. The count of five. Then I'll be good. He inhaled.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
He stood up and got to work, running samples and tests for evidence, making report after report until there were no more. His movements were familiar, easy. It was something he was used to, something he could focus his energy into. Something that required his attention, but wasn't hard. He almost found himself enjoying it.
Almost.
He was getting there. He would get better. No matter what. He wasn't going to let this continue, at least not publicly. He couldn't have a breakdown at work, or while he was on Flash duty, or when he was at STAR. He couldn't. He wouldn't.
Barry Allen was going to be perfectly fine like every other individual is. He was going to be fine and he wasn't going to be having problems. He was going to be perfectly happy, perky, and his usual self, even if it killed him.
And if it did kill him, then, well, what does it matter to anyone anyway?
That decided, he steeled himself, got through the last case file, and headed out for the day. He dropped off a report on an officer's desk in the bullpen before turning to leave. Joe was there, but he hadn't noticed Barry yet, and Barry was hoping to keep it that way.
He ducked his head and went straight towards the elevator, making it there without being noticed. He sighed in relief as the elevator doors closed. He got lucky. He figured he probably used up all his luck now. He walked out of the building, opting to walk instead of run for now.
His phone buzzed in his pocket, and he took it out, looking at the screen.
[Received 11:36]: Done playing forensic scientist, Scarlet?
[Sent11:36]: Yeah, now I'm going to play hero.
[Received 11:36]: Tsk tsk Scarlet. You should really get out more. It can't be healthy if all you ever do is save the city from itself.
[Sent 11:37]: Yeah well, someone's go to.
The remark, Barry knew, that Len had sent was teasing, but at the same time somewhat serious. It was his way of telling Barry he needs a break. However, Barry wasn't in the mood to do anything that remotely involved a break. Because if he stopped for a moment longer, it'd come back.
Ronnie's dead. He couldn't stop it from coming. He's really dead. Barry couldn't take it anymore. He sped back to his apartment as fast as he could, a tear running down his cheek. He didn't slow down to unlock his door, he just phased through it.
A strangled noise escaped him when he made it into his living room. He collapsed to hands and knees, tears blurring his vision. He hated this back and forth. He couldn't be fine. He wasn't fine. He wasn't him anymore, and he knew it. He knew it, and that's what hurt. He wasn't who he used to be, and he used to know what he was. He used to know. Even after the particle accelerator, he knew. He was the fastest man alive. He was Barry Allen, forensic scientist. He was the Flash, hero of Central City. He was Barry, the man who had two fathers, who spent his whole life having a crush on the woman he loved, only to have her fall for another man and marry him.
Now, he didn't know anything. He was no longer in love with Iris, he knew that. Sure, he still had some feelings for her, but they were fading away, pushed to the side in the tangle of everything else. He was still the Flash, but he wasn't the same Flash he used to be. He was no longer the fastest man alive, he knew that. If there's one speedster faster than him in the future, who's to say there isn't more than one?
He's still a forensic scientist, but he's no longer the Barry that has two fathers. No longer the man who had a father who loved him, a foster father who also loved him, a foster sister who loved him. No, he's slowly being pushed out of that family. His father left when he was released.
Who is he now? He could easily say who he's not. But that isn't the question, is it?
He's no longer the fastest man alive. He's still a hero, sort of. He's still Barry Allen, whose mother was murdered. Still the Barry Allen who's father was released from prison. He no longer has Iris, Joe, and he never had Wally.
But he does have Len. He has Len now, and he never did before. And for that fact alone, Barry doesn't know if he would go back and change things.
But, the man that's sitting on the floor of the living room, sobbing? That broken, beaten, man who failed, who isn't strong enough, wasn't fast enough. That man, who is lost and can't find his way, who's falling to pieces and has no family left to help him pick them back up. The man that walks around like him, looks like him, talks like him, has the same face as he does, but doesn't think like he does, that man isn't him.
That man, who's crying, alone, in the living room to his empty apartment...that's not him. It's not. He's stronger than that man. He's braver. He knows it. It's not him. It can't be him. He's weak, and Barry isn't weak. Barry has friends, family, a life, a home, somewhere he belongs.
That man's just wearing his face. He knows it can't be him. He just can't prove it.
"Meow. " Barry stopped, looking up. "Meow."
He got up and wiped off his face. He walked cautiously to the door of his apartment, and opened it.
"Meow."
A cat with a black coat and white on its' belly blinked up at him with blue eyes.
He blinked at the cat, as if he wasn't sure what he was seeing.
He swore up and down that cat had the same eye color as a certain thief he knew, not that he'd ever tell Len that.
Nor would he ever tell anyone that he stepped aside and said, "Well you might as well come in then," to the cat, who immediately complied.
If anyone asked, the cat did look miserable.....and cold.