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The first time Jax tries, he barely gets a word out. He and Miles are outside before school starts one Friday morning. They’re laughing about something, Jax can’t remember what. But they’re having a nice time, like they always do when they’re together. And then Jax decides that he’s done waiting around for Miles to make a move. Or for Miles to even notice that Jax wants him to make a move. The boys have been friends for months, and it only took Jax a few weeks into that friendship to realize that his feelings for Miles were deeper than just friendship. He had hoped the feelings would go away, because they made him uncomfortable, but they never did. If anything, the feelings had grown more intense.
Miles would be over at Jax’s house and they’d be playing video games. Just a normal evening, like any other. But Miles would beat a level or defeat a villain and would shout out in excitement. Jax would look over at his friend’s face and take it all in. Miles would be beaming with excitement. He was happy. Really happy. And that made Jax feel incredible. He could take Miles’ mind off his sickness for a few hours anytime they hung out. Jax never forgot about it, but he could tell that Miles did. Miles felt like a normal teenage boy around Jax, it was clear. Jax only wished he could feel normal around Miles.
But instead he felt butterflies. His heart skipped a beat whenever Miles said his name. His breath went short anytime Miles accidentally brushed Jax’s hand with his own, or held his gaze just a bit longer than normal. Jax couldn’t deny that he had an intense crush on his friend, but he still tried his hardest to keep the feelings at bay. Whenever Miles would ask him what was wrong, Jax would say something like he was stressed over a project due soon, or his parents were bugging him to practice piano more often, or he hadn’t had time to eat breakfast that morning. Anything but the truth. He couldn’t have Miles knowing about his feelings. That would ruin everything.
So Jax didn’t tell anyone. But that didn’t help either. He still held his breath when Miles was close to him. He still checked the time on his phone obsessively when Miles was late to school, or for one of their hang outs. Jax still got an unpleasant feeling in his stomach when he saw Miles talking to a girl. And he knew that feeling was jealousy. It was embarrassing to be jealous when there wasn’t even much going on. Miles hadn’t even gone on a real date with any girls. Jax couldn’t imagine how he would feel if that where to ever happen.
And that’s what he is thinking about that Friday morning, when he decides that he can’t let it happen. He doesn’t want to see Miles going out with anyone else. Jax wants to be the one Miles goes out with. And hey, it’s Friday, so they could even go out tonight! Jax knows it’s kind of crazy, but he can’t just sit and watch Miles be oblivious to his feelings anymore. Miles needs to know how Jax feels about him. At least then Jax will know where he stands.
Jax turns to Miles and takes a deep breath. “Hey, would you-” But there’s the bell. Jax groans inwardly. He cannot believe this. He finally musters up the courage to ask out Miles, and he’s interrupted by the school bell? Some luck!
You know what, no! Jax isn’t going to let this ruin his moment. He gets up from the table and begins walking with Miles to class. As they make their way through the crowded hallway, Jax grabs Miles’ arm. “What are you doing tonight?” he tries.
“We’re hanging out, aren’t we?” Miles asks with a smile. He and Jax watch movies at Jax’s house pretty much every Friday night. It’s their little tradition. He just assumed they were on for tonight. Why, does Jax not want to hang out with him? Is something else going on? Miles always gets paranoid about this. He’s always worried that Jax is going to change his mind about their friendship. That can’t happen. Miles can’t lose Jax. He’s the best friend he’s ever had. “You still want to, right?” Miles spits out.
Jax didn’t miss Miles’ smile falling. He sees how it is. Miles just wants to “hang out” like they always do. He’s not interested in going on a date with Jax. That much is clear. Jax swallows hard. Well, at least he saved himself some embarrassment. He didn’t actually get the chance to ask Miles on a date. But it’s fine. Really. It’s better this way. Now Jax does know where he stands. And that’s what he wanted in the first place. Right?
Now he knows that Miles just wants to be his friend. He gets it. Loud and clear. So as they head into Mr. Park’s class, Jax nods his head reassuringly. “Yeah, of course I want to hang out,” he answers. “My house, 7:00?”
Miles breathes a silent sigh of relief. Thank goodness! Jax still wants to be his friend! He still wants to hang out with him! And Miles is thrilled. These nights with Jax are always the highlight of his week. Much better than the “date” he went on with Alya last week. Who needs a girlfriend anyway? Just hanging out with Jax is enough for Miles. That’s when he’s at his happiest. He hopes Jax knows that.
“Can’t wait.” Miles grins back at his friend. And he really can’t wait. Spending time with Jax sounds like heaven right now. In fact, he’s rather do that than anything else in the world. Miles wonders if that’s an abnormal way to feel about friends. It isn’t, right? It’s normal to feel like this when your friend smiles at you? And it’s normal to have trouble breathing when they look you in the eyes like that? Yeah, okay, maybe it’s not normal. But Miles has never been normal. He’s sick. That’s it. It’s just his disease making it hard to breathe. It’s not Jax. It couldn’t be. That would mean Miles had feelings for Jax. Serious feelings. And he doesn’t. No way. They’re just friends.
We’re just friends, Jax thinks to himself, sitting down next to Miles. And that’s fine. That’s enough.
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But it’s not enough. So Jax tries for a second time. It’s been a few weeks since Jax’s first attempt to ask Miles out. Their friendship is the same as always, and while Jax is happy that things haven’t become awkward between them, he is still frustrated with the lack of progress. There has to be something there. Miles always wants to hang out with Jax. And the way he looks at him must mean something. Miles smiles with his whole face when Jax talks to him. His eyes light up. He obviously cares about Jax. So maybe it’s worth it to take a chance. Maybe Jax should try again. So Miles didn’t want to go out with him a couple weeks ago, but maybe he does now?
Jax has to admit that he didn’t even give it a real chance last time. He never technically asked Miles out. So there’s still hope. Miles still might say yes. That’s what Jax tells himself, anyway. He has made up his mind. He’s going to ask Miles out again. And he’s going to get the whole question out this time.
The boys are walking back inside the school after lunch. They’re going to work on a project for Mr. Parks’ class this period. Miles just has to stop at his locker first. Jax offers to go with him. “No, I’ll just be a second,” Miles insists. He says he will meet Jax in the music room so they can get to work. The boys have scheduled the room to work for the next hour. It will just be the two of them. Jax’s heart is beating faster at the thought. He has an hour to muster up the courage and finally ask Miles out. For real this time.
Jax enters the classroom and sets down his bag. He will start setting things up so that they’re ready to get started as soon as Miles arrives. Jax pulls out his laptop and headphones. He adjusts the settings on his music mixing program. He already has some ideas for a song they can work on. But that will have to wait. First Jax has something important to ask Miles. Any minute now.
Actually, Miles should have been here by now. Jax gets a sinking feeling in his stomach. What is taking him so long at his locker? Did he run into Alya or Julie? Is he making plans with them? Jax figures he’s probably being paranoid and unhealthy, but he can’t help it. He knows Miles has other friends, and that’s great. But Jax doesn’t want these other people to be any more than friends to Miles. That’s what Jax is for. He’s meant to be the one that Miles is more than friends with.
Jax is tired of waiting. He’s waited long enough for this moment. He’s going to get Miles, whether he’s talking to someone else or not. Jax doesn’t mind interrupting a moment. This is too important to keep putting off.
He exits the classroom and turns down the hallway toward Miles’ locker. Oh, good. Miles is alone. He’s standing at his locker with the door open. So Jax was worried for nothing.
He strolls casually up to Miles. “Hey, I want to ask you something.” Jax can’t believe it when the words actually come out of his mouth. He’s really doing this! No more putting it off! He’s actually going to ask Miles out on a date! Right now!
Miles turns to Jax. That’s when Jax’s heart sinks. Miles is pale. Really pale. And his face is twisted like he’s in serious pain. “Jax,” he chokes out, grabbing Jax’s shirt. “I…can’t…see,” and suddenly Miles is falling to the ground, still clutching onto Jax. Jax holds onto his friend’s hand tightly, sitting on the ground next to him.
“It’s okay Miles, it’s okay,” Jax reassures him, rubbing Miles’ back soothingly. “I’m gonna get help.”
Miles’ eyes are closed now, but he’s still conscious. “Jax,” he says again, squeezing Jax’s hand. “Don’t…go…anywhere.”
Jax takes a deep breath. To see Miles like this is absolute torture, but he’s not going to leave him on his own. Jax puts his arm around the boy and holds him close. “I’m right here with you, okay?” Miles nods, looking pained the whole time. Jax hates this. He needs Miles to be okay. He pulls out his phone and dials 911, explaining the situation to the operator who answers.
“You’re going to be okay,” Jax whispers to Miles, his lips just inches from Miles’ ear. “I promise.” Jax has nothing else on his mind, except just hoping and praying that his friend will be okay. He has to keep his promise.
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And he does. And then he tries for a third time.
Jax doesn’t remember ever being as terrified as when he saw Miles collapse to the floor like that. It was a few hours ago, but Jax’s heart rate still hasn’t returned to normal. He was so scared. He can’t imagine Miles not being well enough to come to school anymore. He couldn’t make it through the day without seeing Miles. He couldn’t make it through his life without Miles. He is his best friend in the world. And he’s more than that. He’s…everything. Jax can admit it to himself now. He loves Miles. He is in love with Miles. And it’s time Miles knew that.
Jax’s plan comes to him at the perfect time, because now the nurse is coming into the waiting room. They have already told Jax that Miles is going to be okay. He just needs to get some rest. He’s suffering from exhaustion. Jax hates that he didn’t notice sooner. He should have done a better job of looking after Miles, and making sure he was doing okay. Miles usually gets annoyed when Jax keeps checking up on him, but it’s better that he be annoyed than be in the hospital.
The nurse tells Jax he can go ahead and see Miles, but just for a few minutes. Miles needs to catch up on his sleep, after all. But a few minutes will be long enough for what Jax needs to do. And this time, nothing is going to stop him. The third time’s the charm, as they say.
Jax knocks quietly on the door to Miles’ hospital room and enters slowly, slightly nervous to see how Miles looks. He was so scarily pale earlier. Jax can’t get the image out of his head.
Luckily, Miles looks a bit better. He is sitting upright and drinking some juice. He smiles when he sees Jax, and scoots over in his bed so his friend can sit down. Jax smiles back. “How are you feeling?” he asks, gently touching Miles’ arm that lays at his sid.
“I’m okay,” Miles replies. Jax notices that his eyes are lighting up like they usually do when the two boys talk, and that warms his heart. Miles just might say yes!
“You know,” Jax begins. “I came to find you in the hallway because I was worried you got caught up talking to someone else.”
Miles shakes his head. “No, I just…I couldn’t remember what I was supposed to get from my locker.” He looks down at his lap. “I keep forgetting things, Jax.” Miles chokes on these words as his eyes well up with tears.
Jax’s heart constricts. He really hates seeing Miles so scared like this. He grabs the boy’s hand like he did earlier. “Don’t worry about it. You’re going to be fine.”
Miles pulls his hand away. “You don’t know that. I… I can’t win this, Jax. My kidneys are failing. And the medicine helps, but… but look at me. I can’t do anything! I can’t remember my assignments! I can’t go a day without passing out! I can’t… I can’t ever have a normal life!” Miles is really crying now. He buries his head in Jax’s chest.
Tears start to fall from Jax’s eyes as well. He cradles Miles’ head in his hands. “Listen to me,” he whispers. He pulls Miles’ head back and looks into his eyes. “You can beat this. And maybe you’re right, okay? Maybe you can’t have a normal life. But why would you want to? Why would you want to go to a boring school and have boring friends when you can have Keaton…and…and me.”
Miles sits up, swallowing more tears. “I do like Keaton,” he admits, with a small smile.
Jax returns the smile. “And?” he prompts his friend.
“And I like you,” Miles offers, shifting closer to Jax. “But-”
Jax doesn’t let him finish. He has to say this now. “I like you too. And I’m sorry that you’re sick. I hate it too. I want you to be okay. I need you to be okay. You’re really important to me, you know.”
Miles nods. “I know. And you’re important to me too. I don’t want to let you down, Jax.”
Jax wipes his eyes. “You didn’t let me down. I’m not mad at you for being sick. I understand. And I don’t want you to feel like you have to push yourself past your limit to please me. Don’t worry about me, okay? Just focus on getting better.”
“I will,” Miles replies sincerely. “I promise.”
“Good. And can you promise me one other thing?” Jax didn’t forget what he came to ask.
“Anything.”
“When you get out of here, will you go on a date with me?” Jax says it quietly, but Miles is snuggled up against him, and he knows he hears him.
It’s also a dead giveaway when Miles breaks out into a huge grin. “You want me to go out with you?” he says through his smile.
“I really do.”
“I want that too.” Miles now looks healthier than he has in weeks, just because of the smile on his face. Jax can’t help but laugh. It took a while, but he finally did it. He finally asked Miles out! And Miles said yes!
But Miles has something else to say. “What took you so long to ask?” he wonders.
“Believe me, it was not lack of trying,” Jax grumbles good-naturedly. “This is the third time I’ve tried to ask you!”
Miles chuckles. “Well I’m glad it finally happened.” He lays his head back on Jax’s chest. “Oh, and just so you know?” He lifts his head slightly to look right at Jax. “I would have said yes all three times.”