Archive of Our Own

So, you've decided you want a pet demon. You've got the summoning circle ready and you're stocked up on demon snacks. You're just itching to welcome that little bundle of sin and temptation into your life. But before you light up those candles and get chanting, here's a few things you need to know.

Being a demon owner can be a very rewarding experience, but it can also be a very challenging one, and a great responsibility. Demons are not a beginner pet – they need lots of space, live for a long, long time, and can potentially invalidate your home insurance. But if you take the proper time to care for your demon's needs, you will find the result is well worth the effort.

I) Seven Friendly Sins

The first step is to decide what type of demon is right for you. Demons come in a number of forms, each of them with their own unique temperament and needs.

1. Sloth demons are a popular choice, known for their undemanding nature. A good choice for beginners as well as those of a less-active disposition, they will happily lounge on a sofa, bed or other comfortable surface for hours and days on end. Those in search of a calm-tempered companion need look no further. Care should be taken, however – in spite of their seemingly harmless nature, Sloth demons, like all demons, are still instruments of temptation, and owners may well find themselves forgoing all the goings-on of everyday life in favour of lengthy naps with their infernal companion.

2. Gluttony demons, albeit more energetic than their laid-back cousins, tend to be similarly low-maintenance. Valuing quantity over quality, they are the least picky eaters of the demon family, and can be easily trained by using food rewards as motivation. However, careful monitoring of their diet is recommended, as their predisposition for over-eating can lead to obesity and a number of other health risks.

3. Greed demons' love of wealth and unrelenting desire to acquire more makes them a perfect match for the successful businessman, although they are also a popular choice among celebrities and politicians. Their tendency to bring home valuables is a behaviour many greed demon owners take pleasure in – although don't expect them to share (and never ask where the objects came from). Regular training is a must to counteract possessive tendencies. Should any items in the house go missing, check the demon's usual napping place and hiding spots.

4. Envy demons can make for challenging companions. However, with time and patience, their natural jealousy can be directed towards others, making them an ideal partner for gossipers and tabloid journalists. To maintain an agreeable relationship with the demon, avoid competitive activities or, when that is not possible, ensure that a “stroke of luck” is on their side whenever it seems like you have the upper hand.

5. Wrath demons have gained a bad reputation in recent years due to their use in illegal demon fighting rings. However, if trained properly from an early age, they make excellent guard demons, and are also a good match for mafiosi or those working in the demolition industry. When approaching a wrath demon, always speak in a calm, soothing voice. Fireproof clothing is strongly recommended.

6. Lust demons are the most affectionate members of the demon family. As such, they tend to be the demon of choice among bachelors and others living on their own, who most benefit from a warm welcome after a hard day's work. However, their overly-affectionate and affection-hungry nature can be somewhat difficult to handle for busy or introverted demon lovers, so careful consideration is a must before deciding to adopt one.

7. Pride demons are very independent. A humorous saying often shared in Pride demon owner circles goes “Pride demons don't have owners. They have staff.”. That is not, however, to say that they are emotionless, or only look out for themselves. Ambitious and resourceful, if given the attention they need, they can form very strong bonds with their owners. It is not uncommon for a Pride demon to extend their sense of Pride to include their owner – making them both good protectors and excellent motivators. When trying to motivate your Pride demon, it is best phrase things such that the demon ultimately believes that the idea in question was their own. For your own safety, avoid using baby talk and other condescending behaviour.

II) One Hell of a Welcome

You've picked a type of demon that will fit you like a glove. The cupboard is stocked up, the water bowl is full. You even have a name ready. But there are still a few things you need to do to make sure your home is ready for your new infernal friend.

1. Make sure your home is demon-friendly. Dispose of any holy water or other sanctified objects. If this is not possible, store the items in question in a locked, warded container, away from the demon's food and sleeping spot. Reinforce your home's walls with non-iron support beams and invest in fireproof paint. Place signs asking missionaries to put any flyers in the mail box or slot without ringing the doorbell.

2. A demon is for eternity, not just for Christmas. If cared for properly, your demon will most likely out-live you, your grandchildren, and their great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandchildren. Plan accordingly. Set up an emergency fund and a will dictating who will look after your demon after you have passed on (with luck, of natural causes). Some more dedicated demon lovers have even been known to set up blood pacts, binding them and all of their descendants to ensure the well-being of the demon or face misfortune, torment, death, or other similar incentives.

3. Accidents happen. Rather than wait for that first hole in the roof, flaming patio or touch of plague, plan ahead. Many insurance companies cover acts of God, but very few are willing to cover acts of demons. Get in touch with your local demon owner association or look online for services that will cover you and your demon.