Chapter Text
“Can you see them?”
You blink your eyes as you stare into the microscope, squinting against the bright light. You’ve been staring into this scope for two hours, searching for tiny signs of life.
“Maybe?” you reply. Your colleague leans in closer, close enough to smell his shampoo. Your eyes begin to water as you scour the field of view, checking each fleck of dirt for your prize. But again, you came up empty. “No, I don’t think so.”
You lean back in your chair, closing your eyes and rubbing them to relieve the strain. You didn't get much sleep last night. But you can’t bring yourself to complain to Hoseok.
He groans, standing up and twisting side to side. Your back aches in sympathy from bending over these finicky slides all morning. “We’re going to run out of samples.” The corners of his mouth pull down into a frown.
“We’ll run out of kerosene first,” you mutter. You look back through the lens one last time, hoping you missed something.
“They should have sent us with more.” Your fellow science officer stands up and walks over to chemical storage.
“Yeah, because large amounts of volatile organic liquids are a great thing to have on spacecraft." No one else on this ship would appreciate your joke. It’s not a good joke. But Hoseok humors you and gives you a small chuckle.
“Should we try an acid?” he suggests, as he examines the inside of the storage cabinet.
“Acetic?” He nods and scratches his chest as he fishes out the necessary bottle. He walks the acid back to your lab station and sets it down on the counter next to you.
He sighs and puts his hands on his hips, resuming his twisting back and forth. He clasps his hands together and does a long slow stretch upwards. Your eye catches on the sliver of exposed skin popping into view as his shirt rides up.
His smooth skin stretches across well-defined muscles, distracting your serious scientific mind. You lick your lips as you imagine how warm he would feel under your palm. You stare at the gap between his navel and the top of his pants. Not for the first time, you find yourself wondering what his skin tastes like.
“We should dilute it.” His shirt falls back down, breaking the spell. You look away, shaking your head, embarassed by your own lacivious thoughts. You’re a professional. A highly educated astronaut and scientist. You have a PhD, for god’s sake. Focus on the mission at hand.
“Yeah, we should.” You nod in confimation before standing up to get some glassware. “What concentration?”
As you turn around to reach the water tap, Hoseok moves to reach the tablet behind you. Your small lab is so narrow that you end up colliding with him. You bounce backwards off his body, cradling your beaker of water, headed straight back toward all of your ship’s glassware. You panic. Visions of shattering thousands of dollars of lab supplies fly through your head. But Hoseok catches you before you stumble into the cabinetry. You breathe a sigh of relief when you realize he’s got you in his arms.
“Fuck.” You smile. “Sorry, Hoseok.”
“It’s okay.” He laughs, shaking his head. “My fault.” His hands linger on you as you both chuckle. You feel the heat of his touch seeping through your jumpsuit.
Despite living in such tight quarters, it’s rare that you’re ever this close to him. You try to avoid physical contact with the crew out of self-preservation.
He smells good. Hoseok always smells good. While your ship smells mechanical and sterile, the man holding you smells warm and human. It’s comforting, but in a way that makes you ache with how you long to bury yourself in him.
Your colleague lets go of you and steps backwards, coughing into his shirt sleeve. He picks up the tablet and scrolls through your research materials. The warmth of his hands begins to fade from your shoulders. He finds the correct dilution factor and reads it out to you.
You measure out the appropriate amounts of acid mixing it with water. Hoseok retrieves another fragment of the meteoroid that you’re scouring for microorganisms. When he returns, you cover the sample with the acid, stopper the flask and set it to oscillate for a hour.
“Nothing to do now but wait.” You sit down on your stool and drum on your thighs. The idea of being alone with Hoseok for another hour fills you with nervous energy. It's a relief when he excuses himself to the bathroom.
It didn’t used to be this hard. When you started this mission two years ago, you had no problem being alone with any of your crew members. You were professionals doing a job together, and there wasn’t time or energy for idle sexual tension. But as the mission drags on, you have begun to feel more and more on edge. And it’s not only Hoseok. You are finding it harder and harder to be alone with any of the crew. When you spend all night fantasizing about someone, normal conversation becomes difficult.
You stare at the flask rocking back and forth on the counter and let your mind wander. You replay your previous clumsy moment. You imagine Hoseok catching you in his arms again, but this time you grab him and kiss him. You smell him and taste him and surround yourself in him. You close your eyes and follow the fantasy further. You imagine dropping to your knees and sucking him off up against the glassware cabinet. You imagine the way the lab equipment would clink as he bent you over the lab counter.
Hoseok returns, brandishing his tablet. “I got the new article from Geology on microfossils, if you want to take a look.” You sigh and nod.
___________________________
After several more failed attempts to liberate any fossils, you and Hoseok call it a night. After a quiet dinner of rehydrated spaghetti bolognese in front of your daily log, you head for your sleep pod. Eight small padded cells line the hallway between the kitchen and the control room. The names and ranks of each crew member are emblazoned above their one-man-sized rooms. Seven men and one woman. The automatic door whooshes open, welcoming you back to your home for the next ten years.
Your pod is as cozy as you could make it. Pictures of your family, friends, and childhood dog are pinned to the wall. They should remind you of happy times, but instead they remind you of everything you’ve given up. Your parent’s dog will no doubt be dead by the time you make it back to Earth. Anything you had in common with your friends is long over. You get occasional updates from them as you miss their weddings and the births of their children.
You step into your upright sleeping bag. It's tied to the wall of the pod to prevent it from floating away when the artificial gravity shuts down. You zip yourself in and close the door, shutting you into your own tiny padded cell. You hear the men on either side of you rustling into their own sleeping bags.
Science Officer Jung and Flight Engineer Min sleep in the neighboring pods. Yoongi on your right and Hoseok on your left. You are as close to them as you would be if you were sharing the same bed, but thin walls separate you from both of them. You are alone in your little metal box.
The commander’s voice comes on your in-ear communication headphones. He sounds tired as he repeats the same evening command of the last 776 days. “Gravity powering down in 3, 2, 1.”
Most of the magic of space travel has worn off for you at this point. But the transition to zero-G is one of the few things you never grow tired of.
You smile to yourself as you shake your head and watch your hair begin to float around you. You feel the slight drop in your stomach as the pressure on your feet begins to lessen. Your head and arms lift upwards, returning to their neutral upright positions. You press lightly on the ground with your toes. The sleeping bag drifts upward until you are suspended in the middle of your pod.
You take off your communication headphones and put in your personal ones that plug into your music. You select a rainstorm from your Sounds of Earth playlist. A gentle rain begins to drown out the mechanical hum of the ship. The background noises of home help you to sleep on these long dark nights.
Sleep never comes easily though. You look up at the ceiling above you and imagine the vast empty nothingness beyond it. A few centimeters of bulletproof fabric and aluminum siding are all that stand between you and the void of space threatening to swallow you whole.
Space didn’t look like it did in the movies. There were no planets to zoom by or asteroid belts to weave through. There was only unending darkness and distant stars. The meteoroid your crew caught last month is the first object that has been in visual range of your ship in over a year. Your ship is alone, getting miles and miles farther from home with each passing second.
That was the other lie from your childhood sci-fi movies: the grueling passage of time. In the movies, hibernation pods let their occupants sleep through their years-long voyages. But that was the real fiction. There was no easy way to sleep through this time. You had to live it. And you would never get it back.
It was always at night, as your minutes ticked away, that you wondered if you had made a mistake coming on this voyage. You had thought you were prepared. Ever since you were a little girl, you had wanted to be an astronaut, exploring unknown worlds. You majored in biology so you could research the possibility of extraterrestrial life. Your whole life had been building to this mission. Schooling and training all preparing you for this journey. But nothing had prepared you for the loneliness.
The only reliable strategy you’ve found to get through the days is masturbation. Your inner biologist argues that the dopamine reduces stress and endorphins dull pain. But your less logical side knows it's a coping mechanism for the fantasies that plague you every day.
You wished you had brought some porn. You brought hundreds of gigabytes of everything else. Books to read, music to listen to, movies to watch, scientific articles, but no porn. Everything you brought with you had to be screened by the ICSE. As a young trainee preparing for your first mission, you couldn't admit that you looked at porn. If the older, wiser you could go back in time, you would throw some romance novels into your reading list.
Without more elicit materials, the only people you had to fantasize about were your crew members: your tall commander with his deep voice, your handsome pilot, the flirtatious mission specialist. Each took their turn ravaging you every night in the secret dreams of your solitary sleep pod.
Tonight is your science officer’s turn as you work out your frustrations of the day. You can imagine a much more enjoyable way for the two of you to spend the day, instead of waiting for rocks to dissolve. Hoseok’s fresh scent and warm hands provide ample fuel for the task at hand. You suck on your fingers before sneaking them into your sleeping bag. These session aren’t luxurious, but designed to serve a purpose. Thunder crashes in your ears as you come, shuddering in your sleeping bag. You have to keep quiet so as not to alert the men sleeping on either side of you.
As you calm down from your orgasm, you feel a tiredness settle across you. You close your eyes and hug your arms around yourself, wishing they belonged to someone else, and fall into an uneasy sleep.
___________________________
The airlock hisses as the door to the greenhouse slides open. You smile as you inhale the welcoming scent of soil. The greenhouse is your favorite place on the ship. The air here is always a little warmer and a little more humid. Stacks of green growing vegetables line the room, surrounded by banks of grow lights. If you close your eyes, it almost feels as if you’re outside on a sunny day. As the chief botanist, this is your domain.
Waiting inside the greenhouse is the flight engineer. He's already crouched down inspecting the water main. His tongue sticks out between his lips as he concentrates on reaching underneath a stack of lettuce. You love watching Yoongi as he works, brows knit in concentration. He pulls his hand back and you watch his careful fingers gliding over the surface of the piping. His fingers are long, slender, and thorough in their search for leaks. Your flight engineer’s meticulous hands make frequent appearances in your night-time fantasies. You mull over how you would prefer that his fingers explore your body, instead of the plumbing.
He looks up at you and smiles. There’s always something a little dangerous about Yoongi’s smile, as if he knew the thoughts running through your mind. Maybe he did. You shake your head, annoyed with yourself. Why are you incapable of being alone with any of your crew members without turning it into something sexual?
“Lines 1 and 2 are clear,” he says as he stands up, brushing his hands off on his dark blue coveralls. “And you’re late.”
“Yeah, sorry.” You cover your mouth as you yawn. “Overslept.”
“Having trouble sleeping?” He looks up from the plumbing and makes eye contact for the first time since you walked in here. You might be imagining it, but it feels like there’s a slight teasing lilt to his voice.
“It’s not the sleeping.” You yawn again as you pick up the maintenance tablet. “It’s the falling asleep.”
“Yeah,” he nods. “I have a hard time with that too. Something about not actually lying down, I think. Makes me restless.” You wonder if his way of dealing with restlessness is the same as your own. The nagging thought that maybe he knows exactly how you deal with your restlessness returns to you.
“Yeah, hard to get settled,” you agree, as you check off the first two lines of the maintenance protocol.
“You know what I find works wonders for that?” The teasing tone is back. You draw in a quick breath, wondering if he is about to say what you think he is. You arch your eyebrow at him questioningly, but can’t bring yourself to ask.
He continues undeterred. “Exercise," he says, "and cutting back on caffeine." You're almost disappointed.
"And -” he motions for you to mute your comm. Your heart flies into your throat, but you do it. “- and orgasms.”
Fuck. Your mouth falls open of its own accord. He’s really gone and said it. And he looks so pleased with himself as he smirks and disappears behind the potatoes.
“Orgasms release endorphins!” he calls from behind the greenery. “Also, line 3 is clear.”
You are unsure what to say. You can’t tell how serious he is. Is this a joke? Like when Jungkook gets pissed at Taehyung and tells him to suck his balls and Taehyung smirks and asks “how hard?” Or did your flight engineer just proposition you?
“You offering, Officer Min?” you tease back. You may be the only woman on this ship, but you won’t let these boys intimidate you with their games.
His voice echoes from behind the hydroponics. “I was talking about good old-fashioned self-love, Officer.” He sticks his head out from around the lettuce with a big grin. “Unless you had something else in mind?”
You laugh and shake your head, trying to play it off, even as you feel your pelvic muscles clench at the very idea. “Water pressure?” you ask, trying to get back to work and out of this flirtation you’ve found yourself in.
“75 psi.” He walks toward you, teasing smile getting more eager. He looks down at your tablet where you have failed to check off the last three steps, too distracted by him. “Are you writing any of this down?”
“You can’t say shit like that, Yoongi.” You look down at the tablet and check off the cleared pipes. “Are you serious right now?” You set down the tablet on top of the distillation tank.
“Are you?.” Yoongi wiggles his eyebrows, and your pelvic muscles clench traitorously again. "Things have gotten pretty boring around here."
You snort in irritation. “You want to violate our professional ethics and risk throwing the whole crew out of balance, just because you’re bored?”
"I can't do another fucking crossword puzzle." He laughs and shrugs. “And I’ve rewatched all the good porn like 20 times."
“You have porn?” You can’t stop yourself from asking, curiosity overriding your professionalism.
His eyes light up. “Oh yeah, Jimin brought it with him, the perv. Of course, we are all eternally in his debt now. Wanna borrow some?”
“No!” This whole situation is getting out of hand. You cough and look back down at your checklist. “Water stores remaining?”
He looks away from you, back to the main tank, which gives you a moment to breathe.
“88%,” he answers, allowing you to check off the last item on your list for today. The screen shows a list of all green checkboxes, just like every other day. Your mission was on pace and on target. It was good news, but it was boring. You look up from the tablet to find him watching you.
“Look Yoongi,” you sigh. “We have to live with each other for another ten years. Sex, relationships, jealousy…” You wave your hand, conjuring up all the emotional turmoil such an arrangement would make. "It distracts from the mission.”
He laughs an infuriatingly calm laugh. “I was only offering a helping hand.” He holds up his beautiful hands and wiggles them in emphasis. “You know, as a friend. But it’s totally fine if you’re not into it.” He chooses this moment to stick his tongue in his cheek and look up at you with his dark mischievous eyes. And goddamn, you are into it.
You can’t let him know that though. “It’s a bad idea,” you answer, powering down the tablet.
“Suit yourself,” he smiles as he packs up his tool case. “Just let me know if you change your mind.” He gives you one last smirk and then disappears down the hallway.
___________________________
It’s no surprise that you have trouble falling asleep again that night. You crank up the sounds of crashing waves in your headphones, but it is not enough to drown out your thoughts. You jostle back and forth in your sleeping bag, bouncing it between the sides of your padded pen. Your normal evening routine of rubbing one out to calm down feels impossible, like it would confirm you needed him or his porn.
You hear a door open and close to your right and realize that Yoongi is now inches away from you, snuggling into his own separate pod. If you wanted to, you could open your door, sneak into his pod and fuck him right now. The thought has an uncomfortable tension building inside you. Of course, you can’t actually do that. The carbon dioxide sensors would immediately alert Namjoon that you were no longer in your pod. Those same sensors would then further incriminate you when the CO2 levels in the flight engineer’s pod started skyrocketing. Your commander was an intelligent man. He would see right through you.
You wished you had some porn. It would give you some other men to think about other than the ones trapped with you for a further ten years. The fact that you now knew exactly where to find some was torturous. But there was no way you could ask Yoongi to borrow some. Then he would know. Then they would all know.
Your deepest darkest fantasies- the ones you always turned to on your most stressed and anxious nights - were the ones involving the entire crew. The idea of them finding out what a slut you were for them and passing you between them filled you with an embarrassing level of arousal. You would imagine them taking turns filling you until all your thoughts of loneliness and emptiness had been fucked out of you. And you would sleep like a baby.
But now that Yoongi had made it clear part of this fantasy could be a reality, you felt only burning shame. You were supposed to be a professional. The only representative for all womankind on this ship. The woman who had traveled the farthest away from Earth of any woman ever. The first woman to set foot on Europa when you finally get there. You couldn’t be passed around for the sexual gratification of your male crew members. That would be entirely unacceptable. No future feminist icon should be down on her hands and knees for seven men. What kind of biopic would that make?
No, the future feminist icon would have to man up. Woman up. And ask her colleague to lend her some porn. Like a professional.
___________________________
You grip your coffee mug as if it’s your life line. The caffeine isn’t an adequate substitute for the sleep you lost last night, but at least it can keep you from falling asleep in front of your entire crew.
The crew has gathered for your weekly meeting. All eight of you cluster around the kitchen table that serves as your central meeting point. Commander Kim Namjoon sits at the head of the table, per usual. His second-in-command, Pilot Kim Seokjin, sits to his right. The man who kept you up all night, your cocky flight engineer Min Yoongi, sits to his left. You and Hoseok, the science team, always sit together next to Yoongi. Mission Specialist Park Jimin gets the far end of the table. Payload Commander Kim Taehyung and Payload Specialist Jeon Jungkook round out the team.
You’ve traded places with Hoseok today, forcing him to sit next to Yoongi. If either of them notice the shift in seating pattern, they don’t say anything about it. You’ve been terrified all morning that Yoongi will somehow give away your discussion from yesterday. That he secretly knows all your fantasies and is ready to spill them to the members gathered eagerly around the table.
But to Yoongi’s credit, he behaves completely normally. Maybe he’s already forgotten and moved on from the havoc he caused you yesterday. Everyone is perfectly professional, which makes you feel all the guiltier.
You glance at each crew member in turn as you all listen to the commander’s weekly debrief. It's basically unchanging week-to-week, but you still have to sit through it patiently.
Jungkook sits across from you, blowing hair out of his eyes. He needs a haircut. They all do. Your crew started the mission with military-issue buzz cuts, but their hair has grown longer and longer as you have gotten farther from home. It’s hard to cut your own hair in space. You would offer to help them, but that level of physical intimacy felt dangerous. As if they would know how much you wanted them, the moment you touched them.
Taehyung sits next to Jungkook. Both men are devastatingly handsome. Why did your whole crew have to be so young and handsome? Of course, only young people would volunteer for this mission. Young people who haven't had enough time to build up something to lose. Older people with spouses and children aren’t going to sign up for a mission that lasts 12 years. Plus you might all die.
To this point, you had lived your life careful to avoid a relationship that would have prevented you from leaving Earth. You had a high school boyfriend who wanted to marry you, but you had broken up with him as soon as you realized you might fall for him and stay on Earth forever. There had been college hookups and casual dating, but the closer you got to your dreams of space, the less serious any attempts at romance became. By the time you got to training for this mission, you had already been single for quite a while.
It was always easy to be nursing one crush or another, when you had seven different attractive men to choose from. Whenever one of them pissed you off, there were another six waiting for you. You had been fantasizing about Jungkook for a while. But then the brat ate your last piece of dark chocolate and you seriously contemplated throwing him out the airlock. Hoseok had been there with a warm hug when you had irrationally cried about it. That one hug had left you smitten with your fellow science officer for months. In fact, you were still pretty hung up about it.
“Science Officers.” Your commander turns to the two of you. “Report on the meteoroid, please.”
You clear your throat. “Stony meteoroid, achondrite, isotopes indicate Martian in origin.”
“So there could be life on it?” Jimin interjects. Jimin, Mission Specialist In Charge of Drilling, ran the heavy machinery. He had operated the magnetic trap that had caught the meteoroid for you. You smile at how excited he still is about it. The specialist was particularly adorable when excited about something.
“Yes,” Hoseok nods, smiling. “It’s very exciting.”
Taehyung leans forward, frowning. “The Ares mission already proved there was life on Mars.”
“Yeah, but finding signs of life on a meteoroid!” You sigh wistfully. “We could prove the Panspermia hypothesis.”
Both Jungkook and Taehyung snort and the commander glares at them.
“What’s the pan-” Jungkook fights to not giggle as he tries to say it “-spermia hypothesis?”
Hoseok scoffs, crossing his arms. “Did you even read the mission brief?”
“That was like two years ago, man.” Jungkook frowns and leans backwards. “I had more important things to do than memorize a bunch of fancy vocabulary.” The payload specialist was military in training and had little patience for information that wasn’t mission critical. Hoseok rolls his eyes.
You lean forward, placing yourself between the posturing men. “It’s the theory that life could have spread throughout the solar system on meteorites.” You explain. “If its correct, it means we stand a much better chance of finding life on Europa.”
“So are there signs of life?” Jimin asks, eager to know if his meteoroid would prove valuable.
“Not yet.” Hoseok sighed. “Surface tests were negative. We’re looking now for internal microfossils. But we’ve only got enough for a few more samples.”
“But that thing was huge!” The mission specialist was so proud of his meteor. When he brought it to you, all smiles and enthusiasm, wanting to know if he’d done a good job, you almost kissed him.
“Yeah, but we can’t use all of it,” you reply. “We have to bring back samples for the ISCE too.”
“Well, keep us updated.” The commander instructs. “Meeting adjourned.”
The group begins to break up. You remember the other item on your to do list for today, and your heart skips a beat.
“Specialist Park,” you call, remaining in your seat. Jimin turns to look at you. “Can I talk to you for a moment?” He nods as the other crew members file out.
“What’s up?” he asks, leaning against a chair at the table. Jungkook lingers at the table, fidgeting with a broken zipper on his coveralls. You look from Jimin to Jungkook and back, indicating that you need to wait until you are alone. Jimin crosses his arms and stares down at the younger man.
“Jungkook,” you say, when the youngest shows no sign of moving. He looks up at you, surprised to see the two of you staring at him. “I need to speak to the specialist privately.”
“What?” Jungkook looks skeptical. “Why?”
“The officer asked you to leave.” Jimin reprimands.
“Alright, alright,” Jungkook puts his hands into the air and gets up from the table. “You guys have your secret meeting.”
This was getting more awkward by the second. As Jungkook heads out, Jimin motions to ask if he should turn off the mic to his comm. You nod and you both switch off your microphones.
“So, what can I do for you Officer?” He drops his voice on your title, mimicking your awkward and overly formal address.
“I have a favor to ask, Jimin.”
“I’ll do my best.” He sits down in the chair and turns his whole body toward you, giving you his undivided attention.
You steel yourself for what you’re about to do. This isn’t that weird. You are all adults. You can ask this without it being awkward. Everyone does it. That’s what Yoongi would say.
“Well, so, I was hoping,” you swallow, trying to come up with the best way to make this sound casual. “I was hoping…” you trail off again, stumped for words. “Well, you see, Yoongi said…” Jimin raises his eyebrows. You inhale again and then finally spit it out. “Yoongi said you have porn.”
Jimin’s mouth falls open. “Hey!” he exclaims. “He has porn too! We all do!” He stands up from the table, face flushing. “I would never leave it anywhere you would find it!”
“No, no, Jimin.” You pat the table gently, trying to get him to sit back down. This is humiliating. “I was, um, hoping to borrow some.”
Jimin’s mouth open and closes for a minute, then he smirks. “Really?” He laughs as he leans against the table.
“Stop laughing.” You look around for other people who might be listening in, but there's no one there.
“You want porn?” He keeps giggling, sitting back down as he continues to laugh. “Why?”
Whatever made you think this was a good idea, you don’t know. This is the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever done.
“Why do you think?” you reply.
His eyes get even wider. “Really? You do that?”
“Everyone does that Jimin.” You are trying to stay cool, but you feel your face burning.
“Yeah, but like here on the ship?”
“No, in space.” You roll your eyes. “Of course, here on the ship.”
His eyes become unfocused as he stares down at the table and giggles some more.
“What, um,-” He looks up at you and hides his mouth behind his hand as he chuckles. “What kind do you want?”
“What?” You weren’t exactly a porn connoisseur. “I don’t know. Something sexy.”
“It’s all sexy!” He laughs. “Can’t give me anything more to go on?”
“Um…” You have no idea what to say in this moment.
“How do feel about oral sex?” He slides forward so enthusiastically, he almost tips out of his chair.
“I, uh,” you stammer, at a loss about how to explain to your handsome colleague how you felt about blowjobs.
“Do you like threesomes?” he whispers, delight on his face. “Or,” his eyes dart back and forth mischievously, “gangbangs.”
This was a terrible idea. You are in way over your head.
“Nevermind," you say as you stand up from the table. "Forget about it.” You turn and flee for the hallway
“Wait! Come back!” he calls after you as you race out of the kitchen.
___________________________
You're spending the afternoon in the lab with Hoseok again. You’ve continued the search for fossils, but there’s still been no luck. Your brain is having a hard time staying focused on the task at hand when it has so many salacious conversations to think about.
You need someone to talk to. You need a friend. Someone who can help you remember why it would be such a bad idea to give in to your fantasies.
You look over at your fellow science officer. You were friends weren’t you? He was definitely the person you’d spent the most time with in the last two years.
“Hoseok?"
“Yeah?” He looks up from his microscope.
You’re unsure how to start this conversation. How had Yoongi started it?
“Do you have trouble sleeping?”
“Sometimes.” He turned on his stool to face you, looking concerned.
“What do you do to get over it?” You wonder if he’ll be as forthcoming as Yoongi.
He shrugs. “Read, listen to music, count sheep, I don’t know.”
No, not as forthcoming. You’re going to have to broach the subject first. He’s a scientist though, he’ll understand, right?
“Do you masturbate?”
“What?” His eyes widen. “I, um,” he splutters and turns bright red. “I don’t think we should be talking about that.”
“Shit, sorry.” You instantly wish you could take it back. “Sorry. You’re right.” You turn your attention back to your microscope, unable to look him in the eye.
He turns back to his own scope too and an awkward silence falls over you.
After a few tense minutes, he sighs. “It’s, just, there are boundaries.” He tries to explain and it makes you feel a thousand times worse.
“I know, I know,” you rush. “I’m really sorry. Please, let’s pretend I never said anything.”
He nods and there is another long silence. Then he chuckles to himself.
“I mean, everyone masturbates." He shrugs, eyes staying fixed on his scope. You feel some of the tension ease.
“Fuck, Hoseok,” you laugh in relief. “I’m really sorry.”
He laughs harder, and finally looks away from his scope, back to you. “Why would you ask me that?”
Your mind replays your conversation with Yoongi, but you don't think you should tell Hoseok about that. “No reason,” you lie.
“No reason?” He arches an eyebrow at you and you realize how weird that sounds.
“It’s just...” you sigh in defeat. “Don’t you get lonely?”
“Of course.” He pulls away from his scope and turns bodily toward you, frowning.
“Do you ever wish you hadn’t made this choice?”
He purses his lips, nodding. “I dream about it sometimes." He sighs and looks off into the distance. "If I was still on Earth.” The corners of his mouth pull downward as he thinks about it. “Would probably still be dating my college girlfriend. Maybe around now things would be going well enough that I’d ask her to marry me. We’d move in together. Get a dog." He smiles.
“That sounds nice,” you add.
He looks up at you and shakes his head. “But then I think about the life I have! I’m an astronaut!” He waves his hands expansively at the space around him. “It’s the coolest job in the world!” He beams a smile that makes you smile too just to see it. “We’ve made it farther into unexplored territory than any other human ever. We’re pioneers! Explorers! Our names will go down in the history books.” He turns to you, patting your shoulder. “You’ll be the first woman on Europa.” His enthusiasm is infectious and you find your smile growing.
You turn back to your microscope feeling better. But you still have one question unanswered. After a few moments of quiet, you venture it.
“So, do you have porn?”
“Jesus christ, woman!” He laughs a full belly laugh this time.
You shrug, laughing too. “Jimin said everyone did.”
Hoseok shakes his head. “Jimin doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”
“Yeah.” You decide to not push him on his non-answer.
“Can we talk about something easier now?” He pleads.
“I read a new article on strategies to carbon-date methane gas,” you suggest.
“That sounds great.”
___________________________
You come back to your pod that evening to find a flashdrive taped to your sleeping bag along with a note.
An assortment. Sorry if I made it weird. - Jimin
You smile and shake your head. If anyone made it weird, it was you.
You open up the flashdrive and hook it to your computer, nervous and excited at the same time. You hesistate for a moment, debating with yourself one last time about the ethics of borrowing porn from colleagues. But curiosity gets the better of you and you press play.
The first thing you hear is a shriek, a loud wailing that is so alarming you instantly mute your computer. You go searching for your headphones. The artificial gravity powers down so your laptop floats freely in front of you.
The first clip you loaded is of some woman who is making a big show of how much she loves being fucked in the ass. Did any women actually enjoy that? You supposed they must, but this wasn’t doing anything for you. You try another clip.
These women are so loud. All the panting and wailing and slapping of skin. It’s such a stark contrast to the quiet of your sleep pod. You find it distracting. You burn through most of Jimin’s files convinced this was a bad idea.
You load the last one. It’s a gangbang. And amazingly, its much quieter. The woman in the center is so stuffed full of cock, she can’t make a sound. Your heart rate picks up as you watch her, surrounded by men. One man behind her pins her down, holding her arms and rocking his hips up and downs as he fucks her ass. Another man fucks her from above while a third is making her gag on is fingers. It's shocking, but arousing at the same time.
You’re embarrassed that only the hardest core clip Jimin provided is working for you.
You watch as the man at her head grabs her by the chin and forces her mouth open. “That’s it sweetheart,” the man encourages as he pushes his cock into her mouth. “Just take it. That’s a good girl.”
You watch the clip and feel shame at how much it turns you on. The idea of being surrounded by men, of giving in and letting them do whatever they wanted, of not having to think or make decisions, excites you more than you want to admit. You sneak a hand into your sleeping bag and find yourself already quite wet.
You thought that the porn would solve your problem. If only you could see other men, then you could fantasize about people who weren't your crew members. But as you watch this woman, one man cumming across her chest while another takes his place in her mouth, you are much more focused on her than on the men. You want to be her.
And the idea of it being your crewmembers surrounding you and fucking you until your mind is blank is what finally sends you over the edge.
___________________________
You sneak out of your pod early in the morning, hoping to be awake before the men. You’re still embarrassed about your evening activities. You’re dismayed when you reach the kitchen and find Jimin already there. You look at the clock, startled. It is much earlier than he normally gets up.
“You’re up early,” he says, smirking at you over his coffee. You contemplate fleeing back to your room. “Did you sleep well?” He bites his lip as he looks you up and down. You feel your face heat up as you begin to blush.
“Yeah, sure.” You shrug. You need some coffee.
His smirk falters at your lack of response. “Well, did you get the thing I left in your pod?” he asks.
“Yes,” you nod, fishing down a mug from the shelf and pouring a cup of coffee.
“So…” He stretches the word out as you stir the powdered milk into your cup. “Did you watch it?” You nod and his small grin returns. He licks his lips. “Did you like it?”
“Uh,” you reply. His face falls. You scramble for a better answer. “I appreciated it. Thank you, Jimin.”
He is unsatisfied with this answer and frowns. “I have other stuff,” he suggests, looking down at his coffee cup. “If you wanted something else.”
“No, no, it was fine,” you counter. You didn’t want more. The porn didn’t seem to be solving any of your problems.
“Fine?” He sounds so disappointed. You feel bad for asking him in the first place.
“There was nothing wrong with it or anything,” you try to reassure, walking over to stand next to him. “It’s just so clearly meant for men.”
“Well, yeah.” He laughs. “But how so?”
“Well, it’s so loud. And the women don’t really seem to be enjoying themselves.”
“What would you want instead?"
“Something quieter maybe? A little more intimate? Something meant for women?”
He purses his lips in thought, then nods. “I might have something.”
“Yeah?” You have to admit you are intrigued.
“But it’s kind of weird.” He fidgets with his coffee mug, rotating it in his hands.
You laugh. “This whole thing is kind of weird, Jimin.” You take a step closer to him.
“You have to promise that you won’t think I’m weird.” He looks up at you, eyes wide and earnest.
“No judgement here.” You squeeze his arm and give him a small smile.
He nods and sips his coffee.
___________________________
Two days pass before you come back to your room to find another flash drive attached to your sleeping bag. You almost thought he forgot. There’s no note this time.
You hook it into your computer, eager to see what Jimin has selected.
There’s only one file on it.
You're both excited and apprehensive. It is surprisingly confident of him to go with only one file. What does he think you want? And why would you think he was weird for having it?
The moment you open it, you see that this is different. For one, it's quiet. No wailing or panting. Also, it’s amateur. Shot from a camera phone. Very different from the bigger budget clips he’d given you earlier.
There doesn’t seem to be any women in the shot. There’s only a man in a dark blue t-shirt and black boxer briefs. Did Jimin have gay porn? Is that why he worried you’d think it was weird?
The man is holding the phone in one hand as he shoots downward to his torso, legs and crotch. He’s sitting on the edge of a bed, legs spread and toes digging into the shaggy carpet.
This is an attractive man. His thighs are smooth and muscular. The edges of his briefs stretch around his large leg muscles. The fabric pulls as he tenses to hold himself at the edge of the mattress. The camera focuses on his already hard cock. You can see its length bulging underneath his underwear. He palms himself over the cloth, pressing down to allow you to see the outline more clearly. He lets out a slight gasp as he touches himself and you find your tongue already trying to sneak out of your mouth.
He lets go of his dick to grab the bottom of his t-shirt, pushing it upward to reveal his toned stomach. He’s not overly muscled, but well defined. Lithe and fluid. The cut of his hips is deep and runs down below his briefs. You find yourself eagerly anticipating the moment when he pushes the underwear down.
You hear him gasp again. This time the shirt stays pulled upward as his hand slides down his torso, back into view of the camera. He makes a muffled groan as he touches himself again and you realize that he must be biting down on the shirt to keep it out of the shot. You imagine how sexy he must look with his shirt stuffed into his mouth and wish you could see this handsome mystery man’s face.
He whines as he touches himself again. You can’t help sending your own hand down into your sleeping bag, rubbing yourself over your underwear, just as he is. You’ll have to compliment Jimin, he found exactly what you wanted. Quiet and intimate.
Your heart beats faster as he slides his fingers into his waistband, pulling it away to give you a peak underneath. You bite your lower lip in excitement as you see this man’s dick is as attractive as the rest of him. He’s decently sized. Not porn star huge, but you like it better that way. His cock curves upward, smooth and a little darker in color than his skin. He wraps his fingers around it and you wish you could feel the weight of him in your hands. It’s been so long since you’ve held a man. You wish you could reach through your screen and touch him. He must be so warm. He squeezes below the head and a small drop of wetness leaks out of him. You actually lick your lips at the sight of it. It has been too long.
He uses his thumb to spread the wetness around the head and groans as he does so. His breathy moan causes all your pelvic muscles to clench. You finally cave and stick your own hand into your underwear, spreading your own slickness up and down your entrance. You watch as he rolls his hips, the movement starting in his abdominal muscles and rolling down to thrust his cock into his hand. He groans again as another drop of pre-cum oozes from him and trails down to his fingers.
He begins a pattern of sliding his hand over himself as he rolls his hips, fingers lingering on the sensitive area just below the head. He goes agonizingly slowly, no frantic pumping, but a slow and steady build. You watch him closely, matching the pace of his movements with your own as you trace up and around your clitoris with your fingers.
You can tell he must be getting close as his pace begins to increase and his breathy whining gets louder. Your breath catches in your throat when you see his thigh muscles begin to tremble in desperation. You ache to touch him, to feel the way his abs would tense under your hand. To feel the way he would get even harder as he reached his end.
You pause your own movements to give your full attention to watching him unravel. He keeps rolling his hips faster and faster, squeezing and panting, until finally he climaxes, hips stuttering. He cradles himself as he comes onto his stomach. He runs his hand over his cock and shivers as he pumps out the last of his release. You wish you could trail your hand across his torso and feel him flinch beneath you. You pause the video and rewind to watch it again.
You watch him come over and over, each time increasing the pace of your own fingers, until finally you let yourself come alongside him. You feel your own core muscles clenching with the same rhythm as his as you come together, both panting and whining. You let out a long sigh of relief at the best orgasm you’ve had in months and let the video finally play out its last thirty seconds.
The man lies limp on the bed for a few seconds catching his breath. He picks the camera up and turns it around to face him, giving you the first glimpse of his face. You gasp as you see the sweaty, flushed face of a slightly younger Jimin peer up into the camera, running his hand through the hair threatening to stick to his forehead.
Fuck. That moaning breathy sexy mess was Jimin. He sent you porn starring himself. And you just got off to it.
“Thinking of you, babe,” he whispers to the camera before planting a soft kiss. And then the screen goes black.