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There are so many more people here. New people. Everyone says you meet your best friends in college, at least the people who don’t tell you high school will be the best time of your life. But McKayla already has a best friend. She isn’t looking for a fresh start, doesn’t want to make new friends, but sure as hell doesn’t want to be one of those sad people who peaked in high school either. McKayla knows she will never want, never need, anyone but Sadie, she just can’t trust that Sadie feels the same. She came back to her sure, but betrayal like that, abandonment like that, leaves scars, uncertainty where there used to be none. Sadie has left her before and she could do it again. And here they all with all these new, exciting, beautiful people and McKayla can’t help but wonder how long it will be until Sadie finds another Jordan. She comforts herself with the fact that Sadie still reaches for her hand, still wraps herself around McKayla, still leans her head back on her shoulder, still smiles at her like she is her whole world. It’s just that, she did that before too, and still left her.
It’s Sadie that suggests shoving their beds together, getting a bigger mattress-topper to cover the gap. Their first night in the dorms Sadie wraps her arms around McKayla like she’s afraid she’ll disappear. She still can’t believe how close she came to losing her. Can’t help but hold her close at night, grab her hand as they explore campus, wrap an arm around her waist, fingers brushing against the bare skin between the bottom of her crop-top and the top of her skirt, glaring at anyone who dares to give McKayla a second glance. She knows it isn’t fair. McKayla never gave the slightest hint of leaving her, not like Sadie did. But she can’t help but feel jealous and possessive, not wanting anyone getting close enough to get a chance at stealing her away. If they hadn’t already made a pact not to kill anyone on campus, there would be a lot of bodies within that first week of school. Of course McKayla looks good, she always looks good, but Sadie wishes people would keep their fucking eyes off her.
McKayla tries to focus on the feel of Sadie’s fingers against her bare skin and not on the way her eyes seem to wonder, the way her focus seems split, never completely on McKayla, not when they are out. She can’t help but try and put even more thought into her clothes, going through her entire supply of crop-tops in a week and a half and being forced to do laundry in the middle of the week if she wants to keep feeling the small soft hands and hints of sharp nails digging into her skin. Can’t help but try and concoct new ways to keep Sadie’s eyes on her and not the throngs of new threats to their relationship. If they hadn’t promised to not kill on campus, and only kill together, the campus population would have been severely reduced by the time McKayla gets frustrated enough to grab Sadie’s sharp chin and drag her back to face McKayla next time she catches her following some asshole with her eyes as he passes. Sadie’s eyes are glaring and fiery with anger that melts into confusion as she looks up into McKayla’s face, her expression a mix of hurt and rage.
“McKayla?” She asks softly, concern in her voice as she sees tears well up in her friend’s eyes.
“God Sadie we haven’t even been here a month and you’re already looking for someone else? I can’t believe you.” McKayla spits, dropping her grip on Sadie’s chin to carefully wipe at her eyes, trying not to smear her makeup.
“What?” Sadie breathes, confusion and concern coloring her voice. She reaches up to take McKayla’s face in her hands, heart lurching when McKayla turns away from her.
“I should have known better, really.” McKayla was bitterly, speaking more to herself than Sadie. Tears continue to fall, causing her makeup to run. Sadie still doesn’t know what is going on, but she knows neither of them want to be doing this in the middle of campus.
“Come on, let’s go home.” She says gently, wrapping her arm around McKayla’s back and leading her back to their room. She feels McKayla tuck her head against Sadie’s shoulder, feels the hot spread of tears on her t-shirt. When they get back to their room Sadie settles them in the couch, McKayla cuddling into her further, her face still buried in Sadie’s neck, her arms wrapped tight around her shoulders and her long legs thrown over Sadie’s lap. Sadie strokes a gentle hand up and down McKayla’s spine, murmuring reassurances into her sweet smelling hair until she feels McKayla’s breathing even out. Sadie presses a kiss to the top of her head before moving back so she can get a look at McKayla’s face.
“What’s going on?” She asks softly, trying to angle her head so she can see McKayla’s eyes. McKayla huffs out a watery laugh.
“As if you didn’t know,” She says into Sadie’s tear stained t-shirt.
“I really don’t, McKayla, you have to talk to me. We have been through too much together for you to shut me out.” Sadie is getting frustrated now. Empathy has never been her strong suit, and she can’t understand why McKayla is so upset with her. McKayla pulls back from Sadie, crossing her arms across her chest, eyes brimming with angry tears. She looks murderous, which, Sadie notes, is really hot, though this really isn’t the time for such thought. She looks angry but her voice is sad and resigned.
“You think I don’t see you? Always following them with your eyes, just looking for the next average asshole to worship you. I believed you when you said you would never leave me, that Jordan was nothing, not compared to me. That nothing, nothing, could ever replace me. I should have known better. You abandoned me before, what would stop you doing it again.” Sadie isn’t sure whether to laugh or cry. She is such an idiot, god they both are, but at least McKayla has a good excuse. She smiles, letting out a little laugh as she reaches out to pull McKayla back into her arms. She puts up only a token protest, resisting just enough that Sadie has to put a little strength into it.
“God McKayla. I was jealous. All those boys, girls too, all looking at you like they had any right to. And you looking so good all the time, it was driving me crazy, if we hadn’t promised to only kill off-campus there would be hardly anyone left around here. I was glaring at them, not checking them out. I was so jealous, so worried I’d lose you. I wanted them to know you were off-limits, wanted them to know you’re mine.”
“Lose me? Why would you lose me? You left me, not the other way around.” McKayla looked bewildered now, and Sadie pulled her even closer, until McKayla was settled in her lap and Sadie’s hands were resting in their now customary position at McKayla’s waist, thumbs rubbing gentle circles into the exposed skin there. McKayla shivered, struggling to understand what Sadie was telling her, that she had been so wrong, that Sadie held the same fears she did, and the warm hands on her body wasn’t making concentrating any easier. Sadie is gazing up at her with a soft smile, an adoring look in her eyes. McKayla wants to bask in that look, wants to be the only Sadie ever looks at again.
“I know,” murmurs Sadie. “You never left, not even after I abandoned you, you brought me back, you stayed.” McKayla can’t help but sway slightly forward, leaning into Sadie’s hold on her and wrapping her own arms around Sadie’s shoulders. She had stayed, despite the pain of betrayal, she hadn’t given up on Sadie, on her best friend, her soulmate.
“Never,” she responds, her voice only barely above a whisper.
Sadie has loved McKayla a long time, but she has never felt so full of love for her as she does now. This beautiful, perfect girl curled over her, so loyal, so amazing. Sadie tilts her head up to gently bump her forehead against McKayla’s, feels the tickle of her hair against her face, her breath against her lips. And can’t think for a second why she shouldn’t kiss her. Sadie knows the importance of planning, there is no way they could have pulled it all off without meticulously plotting out every move, or at least trying to, but she also knows the value of instinct and quick-thinking. She lets her eyes slide shut, feels all the places that she and McKayla connect: thighs, hands, waist, shoulders, forearms, forehead and then, lips.
Sometimes, when things have been building up and building up, they explode. Sometimes though, sometimes they just settle. Unwind. Release. That is what the kiss feels like. A natural progression, inevitable, perfect. It’s soft, a mere brushing of lips, dark purple matte against pink strawberry lip gloss. There are a hundred ways it could have happened, but it happened this way. At the end of a fight, at the beginning of an understanding, two girls passionately and comfortably in love, kissing on a couch color coordinated with the rug and bedspread that spanned the two dorm beds shoved together. Two phrases, one promise:
“I’m yours.”
“You’re mine.”
A couple of towns over there are still plenty of people who look too appreciatively at McKayla, plenty of people to let their eyes linger over Sadie, plenty of people to tear apart–together.
On the one hand, it’s pretty flattering that Sadie can’t keep her hands to herself, on the other hand, McKayla still hasn’t gotten the blood stains out of her white blouse, but at least it saves her from having to sew the buttons back on.