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He could hear everything, every little sound, every sword clashing, all the Wights shattering into pieces, all the screams of death. It wasn’t the first time he fought against them, he knew what would be like, he knew what to expect, but this time was different, this time Jon couldn’t face the possibility of losing, of losing his family, of losing her. He knew he was going to do everything he could to make sure they succeeded, even if it meant giving his life, for that, he was ready…. but when the loudest noise he ever heard filled his ears to the point it hurt, and his eyes turned to the sky he was obligated to face the only thing he was not ready for.
The time froze for a moment as all eyes turned to the sky as Viserion broke into pieces, his broken bones fell like a hail rain killing thousands beneath. However, the source of the sound that made his bones freeze wasn’t the wight dragon. What everyone failed to realize was that on the other part of the battle field, Drogon was facing the same faith of his dead brother. No, not Daenerys, not his Dany. In the distance, he could only see her platinum hair on the dragon’s back as both fell from the sky- that must be a dream, Jon thought, please let it be a dream- it wasn’t. Jon first instinct was to run to her, fuck everyone else, he thought. He had asked Gendry to create an armor for Dany to use, it was magnificent, entirely black that covered every inch of her body with red details all over. A true warrior queen, he still remembered being blown away seeing her wear it for the first time just a few days before, it was true that he took it off as soon as he could, but he knew it would protect her from arrows but- what could protect her from falling from the sky? Jon first instinct was to run to her, fuck everyone else, he though. But as soon as the Night King reappeared unharmed in front of him, he had no choice but fight.
Jon tried his best not to think of Daenerys, he knew he needed to focus all his attention if he wanted to defeat their leader. It was impossible, however, that gave him the strength he needed to finally, once and for all, kill the one who tormented his dreams for so long. And when his Valyrian blade went straight into the Night King’s chest every single one of them disappeared in a heartbeat. And just like that, it was all over, except… Daenerys. He ran, as fast as he could, faster than all the times he was running for his life, cause this time, he was running for hers. Jon was the only one she had left on the battle field; Jorah died in their first encounter with the White Walkers, Grey Worm was too badly injured to take part in this battle. She only had him, and he was failing her- I’m coming for you, Jon kept saying, more as a way to make sure not to lose his hope than anything else, I’m almost there.
When Jon finally arrived after running for what it felt like a lifetime, Dany’s body was nowhere to be found. Drogon was dead in a pool of his own blood and some of his body parts were scattered around it. He got close to take a better look of the black beast- no, her child, he will never forget their conversation at that cliff in Dragonstone, he would give anything to go back in time, he would have come to her with his feelings sooner, if he only knew…. But that wasn’t the time to go back on memory land.
Jon saw part of her silver hair coming from a small mountain of snow, he quickly kneeled, gently taking off the snow just to find Daenery’s unconscious body lying there among the snow, and without allowing himself to think over it he checked her breathing. The relieve hit him so hard he couldn’t help but tear up a bit. It was there, she was alive, she was holding on, his warrior queen, his Dany, she hadn’t left him…. not yet. He took her in his arms, ignoring all the bruises and pains he acquired during the battle and commanded the soldiers that were gathered around them to get him a horse. The same place that only a few moments before was filled with screams and cries, it was now quiet, no one dared to say a word, afraid they might lose their heads for it. Jon didn’t care about them, not anymore, he needed to get Dany to Sam and Maester Wolkan, they would help her, he knew, he just had to take her back alive and she would be fine. She will be fine, he needed those thoughts in his mind if he meant to keep it together.
Jon had no idea how he was able to ride while carrying Dany, or how he arrived in Winterfell as fast as he ever did. Words weren’t necessary then, once he crossed the gate, the first person to come back from the battle, the courtyard was filled with people, but words weren’t needed, the look on his face and the woman he was holding said it all. He asked for Sam and Wolkan while going inside the castle in the direction of their chambers. That was enough for every single northern lord, the Queen’s advisers, his family and everyone else that heard him to fully understand. Jon entered the room he ended up sharing with Dany only a few days after their first arrive in Winterfell- he remembered it clearly, Jon tried his best to stay away from the comfort of her arms at night time, but after two nights of solitude, he couldn’t bear to stay away. Shoving these thoughts aside, he gently placed Dany’s body on the bed just in time for Sam and the Maester to arrive already taking him out of the way. He wanted to protest, his instincts told him to stay as close to Dany as he could, but Jon knew they needed the space to help her, so he gave it to them…. but never letting go of her hand.
The memory of the first time he held her soft and warm hand in his came to mind, the situation was reverse then, he was the one hurt and she was the one wanting for him. He knew by then he loved her, hells he knew the moment he saw her fiercely arriving beyond the wall to save them all on Drogon- her child, and how it hurt to remember the events that happened on the battle field early that day. She lost another child, now she only had Rhaegal, who was also hurt. Gods, how he wanted to give her a child, a human child, he wanted that more than anything and not only because of her- and he would give her everything he could- but ever since their conversation at the Dragon Pit Jon let himself dream, dream of a family, a family with Daenerys. They could go south, get a house close to the sea where their kids could enjoy the most of nature without worrying about ice monsters, they could plant lemon trees and do the most boring things just for fun. But somehow, as much as it was so close to become a reality it was also getting farther and farther away.
When Jon snapped back to reality he noticed how the room was now filled with people. Missandei, Davos, Tyrion, Sansa and Arya. They all try to convince him to get someone to check on his bruises, but Jon declined, he wasn’t really injured, he needed to be with Dany, he couldn’t leave her. Arya tried her best to tell him Dany wouldn’t know he was there, his sister normally got what she wanted but this time wasn’t going to be one if it. He was able to persuade her to stay in Winferfell during the battle in case part of the Army of The Dead attacked the castle at the same time. In truth, he really just wanted his little sister safe, if he could, he would have done this with Dany as well, but that was another fight he lost.
He carefully watched Sam and the Maester examining Dany’s body, it only lasted a few minutes but for him it felt like eternity; they both came into conclusion that her body only had a big injure on her back duo to the fall but didn’t seemed to be anything serious and that she could wake up at any time, her body just needed some time to heal. At that moment, Jon let go a breath he didn’t know he was holding, she’s going to be fine, she’s going to wake up and we are all going to be fine- but that’s when he noticed Wolkan and Sam exchanged an odd look, his relieve went away as quick as it came.
“What is it? You just said it was nothing serious, why are you looking at each other like that?”
“I’m sorry Your Grace, it’s nothing serious I can assure you that… It’s just….” Maester Wolkan started but was interrupted by Sam, “Did you noticed anything different with Her Gra- with Daenerys, Jon? Has she been sick lately?”
Jon couldn’t understand the question, why did any of that mattered right now? “What? No… I mean she was sick cause of the food for a few days but…. Why is this relevant?”
The room was silent for a moment, Jon felt like he has been left in the dark regarding Dany’s well-being, he was starting to get desperate again, but before he could continue, Missandei spoke “The Queen is…. I mean she wasn’t sure, but I’ve been noticing it and at first she didn’t allow herself to believe but after a few days and changes….” What was she talking about, Jon thought with a confusing look on his face, but this time he wasn’t the only, everyone else seemed confused except for the three of them, the Queen’s most trusted adviser and friend seemed to notice the air in the room and got on with it. “She’s pregnant. The Queen is pregnant…. Daenerys is pregnant.”
And in that moment, everything else disappeared.
Pregnant.
Daenerys.
Daenerys was pregnant.
Dany was pregnant with their child.
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Jon spent the rest of the day alone with Dany. Holding her hand while seating at a chair next to her bed. He couldn’t let himself think of it, not yet at least, how could he? Pregnant. Since he was old enough to understand things there was only two things Jon feared the most: Lady Stark and fathering a bastard. Because of that, he never let himself dream of it, he never wondered what it would be like to be a father or even have a family of his own. That alternative reality was already far away even as a child growing up in Winterfell and after joining the Nights Watch it became impossible- or so he thought. He tried to remember if he ever thought of the idea with Ygritte- he couldn’t. Thinking back at their time together he spent most of it afraid, while he acknowledges the happy moments he had with her, he just couldn’t call it love, not anymore. No, that wasn’t love, Jon thought, how can I call it love if I only learned what that word truly means when I looked into her eyes? He asked himself- and by her, he meant Daenerys.
Dany. He looked back at her petite body lying there, her skin was pale, her violet eyes were shut, and her hair lost its shine. The sight broke his heart, how badly he wanted to see those eyes staring at him, her sweet smile that reminded him of the summer he never witnessed, and her beautiful laugh, that could make anything better. Daenerys wasn’t meant to be like this, she was the hope, the light in the end, it was never him, Jon admitted, she has always been the hero, the Dragon Queen who came to bring a better future for all. Including himself. It fascinated him how much she could bring the best in him without even trying. That became a problem once the ones closest to him started to realize the changes in his moods. First Davos, then Arya and Sam, he was sure everyone else could notice as well but those were the only ones who dared say anything to his face and he couldn’t even deny it. He knew it was pointless, Dany was not exactly shy or quiet and Jon never tried to hide anything. He was happy, the happiest he has ever been and that was the only thing he couldn’t deny himself. Not even when he found out the truth of his parents, it didn’t matter, the past was the past and Jon was done with it, he let the past go when he took a knife in the heart. The present is the only thing that matters, and the present is Daenerys.
It doesn’t get better than this, Jon remembered the night before the battle when he was holding Dany’s naked body so close to his he was afraid she would wake up in pain. But he didn’t care, he needed to feel her, feel how real she was. Their last night together brought up so many emotions in both parts. They cried, they made love, they kissed, they hold each other, they declared their love to each other and they said goodbye. But it could have gotten better if the circumstances were different, he sighed. The most amazing news he ever received in his lifetime and yet he could only fear. Gods, she went to war while pregnant, Jon moved in his chair unable to seat still, he should be mad right now, but he just couldn’t. In the back of his head he knew exactly why Daenerys kept this from him- he would die before seeing her in the battle field. She knew him too well, the realization made Jon smile a bit. This woman went to war risking the life of their baby- still so weird to say, specially giving her current state- to save the lives of millions. She was too perfect for him, too perfect for everyone, too perfect for this world. Yet, she couldn’t leave it just yet, the world would be a dark place without Dany in it, he would be in a dark place without her…. No, he wouldn’t let himself go there yet. Instead, Jon climbed into bed just beside her, held her close and fell asleep while whispering sweet nothings to her.
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He had been here before, but this time it was different. This time it was covered with snow. It was the throne room of Dragonstone, the same place he first saw Daenerys Targaryen; at that time, he could never have guessed that the powerful woman seating on that glorious throne would be the love of his life. She wasn’t there this time thought, the place was empty and cold, he wandered around without a clue on why and how he got there; that’s when he heard it- a screaming woman in the distance. No, Jon realized, not any screaming woman. Daenerys. That was Dany. He ran and ran until everything around him disappeared. Suddenly, Jon saw himself in Castle Back at the same night they were fighting the Wildlings, on the same place and position he held Ygritte’s dying body, but this time it wasn’t her body he was holding…. It was Daenerys. Jon. He heard coming out of her mouth as life disappeared from her purple eyes…
Jon woke up from his nightmare forgetting where he was for a moment, when he realized he remembered Dany’s voice calling him up. Was it a dream or she really called to him? He looked at her, still at the same position, still no changes. The little hope he had went way at the sight, she was still on a deep sleep. Nothing has changed. As Jon tried to get up he saw that the one calling him was actually Davos, his adviser was standing next to the bed clearly wanting for him to get back to reality, part of him just wished to stay there holding Dany until she wakes up, but Jon knew that wasn’t a possibility, as much as he wanted, he was a King, they had just won the war, he needed to acknowledge that for everyone else, pay his respects to the dead and celebrate the victory.
There’s nothing for me to be happy about, Jon knew he was being selfish, if he had to, he would give thousands of lives for Dany, he would give anything for her to wake up, even if it meant losing the war but running away with her safe and sound in his arms. Jon wasn’t about to say any of those things out loud though, he had been selfless his whole life, he could pretend to be just for one more day.
In the end, Davos didn’t ask for much. Even with his bruises, Jon spent a few hours walking around the courtyard of Winterfell giving small greetings to the surviving soldiers. Wildlings, Dothraki, Unsullied and northern men all mixed up in one; Jon still remembered when the Queen’s armies first arrived how hard it was for those people, so different from each other yet so alike, to get along, he lost count how many fights he had to stop, how many times the language barrier was a problem…. However, all those things disappeared once they all fought against the Army of the Dead for the first time, after that first battle, like magic, they all start to like each other somehow. Jon knew that a common enemy could unite people but seeing how far they’ve come was really something else. At least something good came from all of this, Jon reflected while walking among them.
Once getting back to their chambers, Jon went back to seat next to Dany and hold her hand, just like he did the day before. He was going to spend every single minute he could with her, part of him knew it was useless, Arya was right, but what if she wakes up and he’s not there? What if she wakes up to a cold empty room? No, that can’t happen. Jon could not bear the thought of it, he needed to be there by her side. He wouldn’t leave her, he wouldn’t leave them. Their situation still petrified him, he still couldn’t put it to words but of that he was certain. Together, he remembered. That’s their word. Together. No matter what, no matter the circumstances, they will go through it, together.
The rest of the day was quite busy, from time to time someone went to check up on Daenerys and, in some way, on Jon. He knew they were worried about him as well, no one dared to say a word just yet, it was going to come up eventually, but he wasn’t going to be the one to start that conversation, he didn’t need that right now. He needed hope, hope that everything would be fine. Jon was able to keep himself from thinking too much, he had every single one of their friends to thank for it. Tyrion, Sansa, Arya, Missandei, Davos, Sam, Grey Worm, Gilly, Tormund, Ed and even Gendry. They all ended up saying some words of comfort and for that, Jon was thankful, it made him feel better in some ways, knowing they cared for him and Daenerys like that. Some of them told some stories about Dany he never heard before, Missandei and Grey Worm were good at that, he knew they were loyal and would do anything for their Queen, just like him. Others were just funny, Tormund and Ed tried to cheer him up with some old stories from their past, he appreciated the effort, but it was useless at this point.
During the night, however, Jon had plenty of time to brood and somehow, all those visits brought back the memories from his Wedding night. He never been so nervous in his entire life, not in any battle and not even when he first knocked on her door. The feeling was new to him, being nervous for something good. That was what they said to be butterflies on your stomach, but he could swear it was more like a tornado. But there he was, nervously standing in front of the weirdwood tree in the godswood of Winterfell. Snow was everywhere, the cold was almost unbearable, but Daenerys was the one who insisted on that and Jon couldn’t be more grateful. He knew she did that for him, her words for him on that very first meeting went back to his mind. Her faith in herself made her the woman she is today and perhaps that was enough, all those gods and none of them did one single thing to stop the horrible events life put upon on her and him. But even so, Jon was from the North and the Old Gods would always play an important part in his life.
The smile on Jon’s face was inevitable once remembering the image of Daenerys walking to him that night. There she was, the fierce Dragon Queen, the Mother of Dragons, the Unburnt and all those other tittles he could never remember, walking to him. Jon Snow, the bastard boy, the King in the North. But on that night, she wasn’t any of those things and neither was he. She was Daenerys and he was Jon. Nothing else mattered as she stood next to him on that beautiful white dress that covered every inch of her body so perfectly with a cream-white fur cloak and her silver hair all braided up. She looked like an angel; she was an angel. Jon wished he could go back in time, he wished he could hear her saying their vows all over again, to see that look on her eyes and that smile on her face, to feel her kiss, to feel her touch, to feel her. Instead, he had to face their reality. These are the hard times everyone talks about.
“I’m never leaving you, Dany. I promise you. When we took those vows, I made a promise I already had made to myself that first night on the boat. I am yours, you are mine, from this day until the end of our days.” Jon whispered to her as sleep caught up to him.
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Days went on, Jon never let her side and never stopped holding her hand. Maester Wolkan and Sam tried once to talk to him about the possibility of Daenerys never waking up and eventually losing the baby, it was too much for him, if he had longclaw by his side he could have done something he would regret. Arya tried later, her words never went too far once she saw the tears on his eyes. Eventually, no one tried to talk to him anymore. Jon wanted to apologize, he really did, they were on the right and he was in the wrong but once he did he would also have to confess the possibility of them being right and he still couldn’t. The nightmares continue, the beginnings were different, sometimes he was on Dragonstone, other times on the boat or Winterfell, but the end it was always the same. His hours of sleep grow short because of it, to fill up the hours his mind went back to every single memory he had of Dany.
How angry he was with her on their very first meeting, he still remembered thinking how stubborn that woman was. When she allowed him to mine the Dragonglass even though she still didn’t believe in him. How breathtaking she looked on that cave and how infuriating at the same time and yet, that was the day he first felt the butterflies on his stomach. The look on her face after he touched Drogon on that cliff, her words that marked him forever. The unexplained jealousy he suddenly felt of her interactions with Ser Jorah. How hard he tried to mask his still confusing feelings while saying goodbye to her on that beach. And then, when he couldn’t deny it any longer, on that frozen lake beyond the wall, he finally knew what it was.
Love. Such a short word that meant so much. Jon was never a poet and he will never be one. But love made him see that life, life means something once you have love. All those little things become unforgettable memories. The way she held his hand for the first time, her sweet smile at the Dragonpit, how gently she caressed his face, the way she giggled when he told her the most boring story, the first time she told him ‘I love you’. Those are the moments he will keep with him until his last breath. Everything else wasn’t important, they had their struggles in the months they’ve known each other, yes. It wasn’t easy handling the news of Viserion’s being a wight and who his real parents were, but in the end, they got through, together. Together was the key, it has been for a long time, Jon took a deep breath, but I don’t know how much more I can take of this. He busted into tears. He feared this day. He feared the day he would finally admit he couldn’t take this pain anymore.
“I’m not as strong as you, Dany. I don’t know how much more I can hold on, love. You need to give me something, please,” Jon moved closer to Daenerys holding her close to him.
“I’m not mad at you, I know why you kept it from me, I understand, just…. Please wake up so we can be happy about this together, what do you think?” He smiled for a moment waiting for something, nothing.
“You know, we could go to Essos, get warm, find a quiet place for us to call home…. I know you spent your whole life fighting for that throne because you thought you were alone in the world but you’re not Dany, you’ve never been alone, just like me. And now…. now that we found each other, now that…. Now that we are going to have a baby you don’t need that anymore…. We just need each other, that’s it so… Please come back to me, please Dany….” Still nothing.
“But if you still want that throne it’s fine with me, I will go anywhere with you, as long as you’re happy. Anything. We have so many possibilities now, it doesn’t matter. I just need you to wake up, love. Can you do that for me? Just open your eyes, Dany, please.”
The tears were inevitable. Jon cried as he never did before. Life was funny like that. He met her too late and perhaps they shared just enough time for him know what love really is, to know what it felt to be truly cared for, to know the meaning of the word happiness. Perhaps he was never meant to have her. Perhaps Alliser Thorne was right, he was going to be fighting their battles for the rest of his life.
But life never stopped surprising him, it was when Jon Snow was about to give up that he felt it, just like all the other times, she held his hand back and life, life meant something again.