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When she saw the barrel of the gun glinting in the darkness she just sighed. She didn’t panic, didn’t even try to flee. She felt no fear. She just felt cold, in her bones cold, like she was frozen from the inside out. This was the fourth attempt on her life in as many months, and, honestly, she was tired of fighting the inevitable. If they wanted her dead so badly, then so be it. She couldn’t take another night of jumping at shadows and startling at every single sound she heard.
“Go ahead.” She spread her arms out wide, palms forward. “Why don’t you just get it over with? I am curious though, was it Lex or Lillian who sent you?”
When the figure just laughed harshly Lena closed her eyes and braced herself for the bullet’s impact, hoping it wouldn’t hurt too much. Hoping they at least had good aim. She heard the gun go off, sickeningly loud, and then...
Nothing.
She felt nothing. She looked down at herself, running her hands over her torso, feeling for a wound, the warmth and wet of blood. But there was nothing. She looked up and her assailant was gone. She was alone in her office. Her knees started to buckle, and she staggered to the chair behind her desk, dropping into it heavily.
Had she just imagined that?
She couldn’t have. Her ears were ringing and the acrid scent of gunpowder still hung in the air. Lena stared down at her hands. They were shaking. She needed a drink. Badly. She opened her bottom left desk drawer and pulled out a bottle of Macallan 25-year and a crystal tumbler that she kept there for... well, this exact situation, really.
She filled the glass half full, letting out a frustrated sigh when she spilled a bit on a contract she’d been reviewing earlier that evening.
The glass was near empty when she heard the thud on her balcony. Before she could even turn Kara was calling out to her.
“Ms. Luthor, are you ok? I am so, so sorry.” Kara approached Lena, but stopped when she flinched. She put up her hands and took a wide step back. “I couldn’t let him get away. I took him to the nearest NCPD station. They’ll find out who is behind this.”
Lena laughed at that. “You know it’s either my mother or my brother, just like every other time. Who knows, maybe they’ve finally joined forces again so they can actually get the job done.” She picked up her drink and finished it off, setting the glass down a little too forcefully. “It’s funny, for a moment I thought I’d imagined everything. I thought I’d cracked under the stress. I don’t know which is worse, honestly.”
She reached for the bottle to pour herself another healthy glass. She was going to need it if she was ever going to get to sleep tonight.
Kara moved cautiously forward. “Can I take you home?”
“Well, since hiding out at the office is obviously not going to keep me any safer, I suppose my penthouse is as good a place as any to await the next assassination attempt.” She reached for her scotch but Kara gently took her hand.
“Please, Ms. Luthor, let me take you home now. Maybe you can get some rest?”
“I doubt I’ll be sleeping anytime soon.” Lena sighed. “But yes, by all means, take me home, Supergirl.”
Lena stood, wobbling slightly, and retrieved her purse and jacket. She wasn’t quite sure how this was supposed to go so she waited for direction.
Kara laughed nervously and cleared her throat. “Um, why don’t we go out on the balcony and then I’ll, you know...” she gestured awkwardly with her arms, miming a bridal carry.
Lena only made it a couple of steps before she faltered. Her knees just gave out, the events of the evening finally catching up with her. Before she could hit the ground Kara caught her and lifted her up into her arms.
“It’s ok. I’ve got you.”
Lena curled herself into Kara, hiding her face against the crest on her suit as tears began to spill from her eyes. Lena was trembling, holding onto Kara’s sleeves as tightly as she could. She felt her take a couple of steps out onto the balcony and then they were rising into the air.
Kara didn’t set Lena down when they landed on the balcony of Lena’s penthouse apartment. She carried Lena inside, depositing her gently onto her couch and then kneeling down next to her.
“Is there anything I can do for you before I go, Ms. Luthor? Can I make you some tea or something?”
Lena stared straight ahead, eyes glassy, face wet from crying. She was cold. Cold and numb to everything, but she knew that wouldn’t last for long. She could feel the fear clawing its way up from the depths of her consciousness. She almost wished her would-be murderer had succeeded. At least she wouldn’t have to feel this way anymore.
“You’re shaking...” Kara’s warm hand enfolded hers, and then she gasped. “Your hands are like ice!” Kara put her hand to Lena’s cheek. “You’re so cold.” She disappeared in a blur, returning a moment later with the comforter from Lena’s bed, which she wrapped around her. “I’m going to draw you a bath.”
Lena grabbed her arm before she could walk away. “Don’t go.”
“I’ll just be a few—”
“Kara, please. I need you.”
She looked startled, but only for a moment, like she wasn’t even that surprised that Lena’d figured it out. “You know,” she said quietly, her shoulders slumping. “Of course you do.” She cupped the side of Lena’s face with her hand, stroking her thumb along her cheekbone. “Lena, I’m so sorry. I just...” Kara sighed, shaking her head. “It can wait. What do you need from me right now?”
“Will you hold me?”
“Anything for you, Lena.” Kara gingerly picked her up, still wrapped in her comforter, and carried her to her bedroom, placing her on the bed. “Now where might I find something comfortable for you to wear?”
“Dresser in the closet. Bottom drawer.”
While Kara rooted around in the closet Lena stared at her hands and tried to make sense of the entire evening.
She almost died. She heard the gun go off. She should have been dead. But Kara saved her. Again. Kara always saved her.
Lena knew her luck would run out eventually. There would come a day when someone would try to shoot her, or throw her off a balcony, or poison her, or kidnap her, and Kara wouldn’t be there. She wouldn’t show up just in the nick of time to scoop her up and fly her away from everything.
And Lena would die.
Kara would blame herself. She’d never forgive herself, would carry that anguish with her for the rest of her life. And that would be all Lena’s fault.
She heard Kara clear her throat from the doorway and looked up to see her wearing not her suit and cape, but a pair of Lena’s pajama shorts and a tank top.
“I hope you don’t mind.” Kara ducked her head sheepishly. “I, um, didn’t want to mess up your very nice bed.”
Lena gave her a watery smile and a small nod.
“Why don’t you put these on,” Kara handed her a similar pair of shorts and tank, and extended her arm to help her stand.
Lena grabbed hold and let herself be pulled upright. She took the clothes and was prepared to undress right there in front of Kara. She was too exhausted to care, and besides, she wasn't sure her legs would hold out long enough for her to make it to her bathroom.
She tried to unbutton her blouse, but her hands were shaking and her fingers were so cold the tips were numb. She closed her eyes and tried to will her hands steady, and then she felt Kara’s hands cover her own.
“Let me help?”
Lena nodded, a couple of tears slipping from her eyes.
Kara swiped Lena’s tears away with her thumbs, bringing their foreheads together. “You’re safe now, Lena. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere. I promise.” She brought her hands to the top button of Lena’s blouse, hesitating for a moment. “Is this ok?”
At Lena’s nod, Kara began to slowly undo the buttons on her blouse. She looked at Lena’s face the whole time, not sparing a glance at her body. Kara was nothing if not chivalrous. She gave Lena’s bra strap a questioning tug, and when Lena nodded again she deftly released the clasps at her back and slipped it off her shoulders.
“Arms,” Kara said, waiting for Lena to lift them up before she dropped the tank top over Lena’s head, pulling it down by the hem. “Ok, now how do I release you from this skirt?”
“Zipper on the right.”
“Ok. I’m just going to...” Kara found the catch for the zipper after a moment of fumbling and slowly pulled it down. She knelt, tugging the skirt down with her, until it lay in a crumpled ring on the floor. “Lift,” she said, tapping Lena’s foot and slipping one leg of her shorts onto her when she raised it. She did the same for the other leg and then rose again, pulling Lena’s shorts up as she did.
“There,” Kara said, smiling warmly at her. “Why don’t you lie down.” She fluffed her pillows and turned down the blanket for her.
“You won’t go?”
“No. I’m going to stay right here with you.” As if to prove it, Kara slipped into the bed, lifting the blanket for Lena. “Come here and I’ll hold you.”
Lena nodded and crawled into bed, settling on her side, facing away from Kara. She felt nervous and cold and awkward but before she could descend too far into her jumbled, frenetic thoughts she felt Kara’s strong arms encircling her.
“Does this feel ok?” Kara asked as she pulled Lena back into her body. She stopped abruptly, starting to loosen her grip. “Is it too much?”
Lena stilled Kara’s hands where they rested at her waist. “No. Please don’t let go.”
“I won’t. I promise.”
Finally satisfied that Kara wasn’t going anywhere, Lena allowed herself to relax, sighing as she tried to loosen the muscles that had been twisted and taut since the moment she got up that morning. It was such a relief to be enfolded in Kara’s warmth, to finally feel safe, that she started crying almost immediately.
What started out as quiet weeping quickly became convulsive sobbing as the gravity of the day washed over her. She really had been seconds away from dying. Less than that probably. And she’d welcomed it. She spread her arms and said get it over with.
And the gun went off. It went off and she should be dead. She should be a body bled out on the floor of her office to be discovered by her assistant the next morning. She clenched her fists as tight as they would go, feeling a sharp pain lance through her chest.
She couldn’t believe her own family hated her so much they wanted to kill her, but they didn’t even have the decency to do it themselves. That was just like a Luthor, though, hiring someone else to do the dirty work. She wasn’t surprised that Lillian had hired a cadre of assassins to send after her, but she thought Lex would at least want to say goodbye to her before she died. They’d loved each other once.
At least that’s what she’d thought. Maybe she was wrong. Maybe he never loved her. Maybe he just wanted to possess and use her like everyone else in her life.
Everyone before Kara, that is.
Kara, who was warm and solid behind her, whispering “I’m so sorry,” into her ear, begging forgiveness for not saving her life quickly enough. Luthors had tried to kill Supergirl at least as many times as they had Lena, and here Kara was, apologizing.
That hurt her more than anything, more than the betrayal of the family that supposedly loved her, more than the abandonment, more than the disgust directed at her and her name. Sweet, valiant, chivalrous Kara held herself personally responsible for all of Lena’s near death experiences, when really Lena was the one always putting Supergirl in danger.
When Kara let out a ragged, stuttering breath, as if she were crying, Lena shifted in her arms until they were facing each other. She reached out her hand to brush her fingertips against Kara’s cheek, and sure enough, it was wet.
“Please don’t cry, not about me,” Lena said, feeling a twinge of sadness in her chest. “I’m not worth it.”
“No, Lena, of course you are. You’re more than worth it. You’re worth everything. I... I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you.” She sighed heavily. “I know I’m not supposed to be crying right now. I’m supposed to be strong for you, but I’m just so afraid. I have nightmares that I’m too late, that I come to save you and you’re... you’re already...” Kara couldn’t finish, she just shook her head, her eyes shut tight.
Lena moved forward slowly, bringing her lips to Kara’s cheek. She kissed along the tracks of Kara’s tears first on one side, then the other. Cradling Kara’s face in her hands, she craned her neck to kiss her forehead.
In a moment of boldness, spurred by the need to calm Kara’s fears, Lena said, “I’m alive, Kara, I’m alive and I’m right here,” and placed a single trembling kiss against her lips.
For an instant they were both perfectly still, neither of them daring to move or even breathe, and then Kara was moving her lips against Lena’s. Kara kissed timidly at first but with increasing urgency, pulling Lena closer with shaking hands. “I can’t lose you,” Kara breathed against her lips, “I can’t.”
Lena wanted to say you won’t, but she couldn’t do that. She couldn’t make a promise she knew in her heart she couldn’t keep. She couldn’t do anything, really, except press closer and kiss deeper, and hope that the promise of her body in that moment would be enough for Kara. It had to be.
Lena couldn’t promise forever. She couldn’t even promise tomorrow considering the way things had been going lately. But she could promise devotion. She could give herself, fully and freely to Kara for as long she drew breath. Each moment she was alive felt like one more than she deserved, but she could use the time she had been granted to love Kara.
She could show Kara the depth and breadth of her love, the sheer vastness of it, the weight of it on her heart. She could make Kara feel it, untempered and undiluted. Her love was a soft but wanting thing, desiring only to seep into the cracks in Kara’s heart, to fill the emptiness she carried in her chest, quell the pain that hid behind her eyes.
Maybe she couldn’t love Kara whole, not after everything she’d been through, but she could try. She would try. She would try every single day for the rest of her life to infuse Kara with love, to shower her with it, enfold her in it, until it lived in her heart and her head and her bones and every cell in her body.
Then, on the day Lena’s luck inevitably ran out, and Kara lost her for good, at least she would have the memory of Lena’s love still inside her. It was paltry, but it was all she had. She owed Kara everything, her loyalty, her heart, her future, her life several times over... just everything, and even though it would never be enough she would gladly give it all to her.
“Kara, you don’t have to be strong all the time. I can be strong for you, too, if you let me.” Lena kissed her firmly, bodily, slipping her hands underneath Kara’s shirt to press fingertips into her skin. “Will you let me?”
“Yes,” Kara breathed against Lena’s mouth.
Lena gently pushed on Kara’s shoulder, and Kara, for her part, yielded immediately, allowing herself to be shifted onto her back. Lena moved overtop of her, her hair falling like a curtain around them. “I love you,” she said, looking down on Kara’s face, the gravity of her feelings settling heavy in her chest.
“I love you, too.” Kara reached up and pulled Lena in for a kiss. “I love you so much it hurts.”
Lena’s heart sank. “I don’t want to hurt you,” she said, cupping the side of Kara’s face with her hand.
“The thought of losing you, that’s what hurts me.” Kara covered Lena’s hand with her own. “I almost lost you, and I just... I don’t know how I could go on without you. You make everything ok. Everything I’ve been through, everything I’ve lost...” Kara closed her eyes and let a single sob roll through her. “It’s all ok because I have you, Lena. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone.”
Lena whimpered. She should have known. Every single thing Kara did for Lena was an act of love. But that was just Kara. She treated everyone that way. That’s what Lena’d thought, at least. She’d never even considered that Kara actually loved her. Sure she’d hoped Kara loved her, she’d even dreamed about it sometimes, but she had long ago resigned herself to the fact that her love would always be unrequited.
Except it wasn’t. Kara loved her. Kara Danvers, ace reporter, super-powered alien, and Lena’s best friend, loved her. Loved her, Lena Luthor, more than she loved anyone else. The thought made her feel giddy, but it faded quickly and Lena was left with ardent need burning white-hot in her belly and pulsing between her legs.
Lena kissed Kara, pressing her tongue to the seam of her lips, coaxing her mouth open. She tasted like tears and she whined when their tongues met. She was so soft and pliant, not girl of steel, not hard as granite, just a girl, just Kara.
When Lena finally broke away she slowly laid a line of kisses down Kara’s neck, stopping after each one to breathe another I love you into her skin. “Can I take these off?” Lena asked, giving Kara’s shirt and shorts a little tug.
Kara nodded. “Yours, too.” She bit her lip. “If you want.”
“I want.” Lena smiled, stroking Kara’s hair. She leaned in close and whispered, “Of course I want,” before kissing her, and then she quickly undressed.
Lena took more time with Kara’s clothes, kissing her skin as she slowly exposed it. She lingered to press her mouth to Kara’s nipples, tongueing them stiff. When Kara was finally bare before her Lena took a moment to appreciate the way she looked.
Kara’s body was thick and solid, her limbs long and well muscled, her golden skin dusted with fine blond hairs. Her body was absolutely breathtaking illuminated by the warm lamplight. It was almost glowing, the lines of her muscles accentuated by shadow.
“God, you’re gorgeous,” Lena ran her hands down Kara’s sternum and around to her sides, gripping her ribcage before slipping down to her hips. “I knew you’d be amazing, but wow... you put my body to shame.”
“No, Lena.” Kara frowned as she reached for Lena’s hand and brought it to her mouth to kiss. “You’re so beautiful I cry sometimes,” she said, kissing Lena’s palm and then her wrist. “You’re perfect. Every inch of you.”
Overcome by Kara’s words and the need to be closer to her, Lena sank down until they were flush against each other, their legs slotted, fitted tight together like they were never meant to be apart. She sighed. Kara’s body was hot, burning almost, and soft in a way that she had not expected.
Kara’s heat was seeping into her skin, bringing her whole body to flame, but she needed more. More friction, more of the electricity that was coursing through her, leading straight to her core.
“I love you.” Lena began to move against Kara’s body. “Can you feel it?” she asked, rolling her hips down gently. She felt Kara’s slick arousal on her leg, just as she painted her own on Kara’s thigh with every gentle thrust of her hips. “Can you feel how much I love you?” She took Kara’s hand and placed it on her chest. “Can you feel me?”
Kara splayed out her fingers. “Yes,” she whispered breathlessly, moving her fingertips up to run along Lena’s collarbone before bringing them down to ghost over her breasts. “I can feel you.” She settled her palm over Lena’s heart.
Lena took Kara’s hand and kissed her fingertips. “Can I touch you?”
“Please.”
Lena moved her hand down to run her fingers through the downy hairs of Kara’s pubic thatch, and even that slight contact had Kara gasping, hips jumping up to meet Lena’s hand. She was so wet already, her arousal collecting easily on Lena’s fingertips.
“I need you,” Kara whined, clutching at Lena’s back.
Lena began to meander down Kara’s body, dragging her mouth along Kara’s skin, stopping frequently to lick or nip at her. She reached Kara’s abdomen, feeling the subtle shift of muscle under her skin as Kara twitched involuntarily. She was going to continue her path to the apex of Kara’s thighs when she felt a hand at her shoulder.
“Stay up here with me?” Kara asked, her voice sounding small.
Lena moved back up Kara’s body, pressing their lips together. “Of course, my love,” she said as she began to move her hand through Kara’s folds.
Lena could easily lose an entire day to idly mapping the topography of Kara’s sex with her fingers and tongue, but she needed more and she needed it desperately. “I want to be inside you,” she said, honing in on the firm bud of Kara’s clit, rubbing gentle circles over it and swallowing the moans that rose from Kara’s throat.
“Yes, god Lena, yes.” Kara nodded frantically, grasping at her hips.
She brought two fingers down to toy with Kara’s entrance, dipping in ever so slightly. It was a hint, a tease, and it made Kara release a frustrated huff and cant her hips upward.
“Lena, please.” Kara tugged on her wrist. “Don’t make me beg.”
“Never,” Lena said, slowly pressing into Kara with one finger, and then another. She stayed there, unmoving, marveling at the position she found herself in. One moment in mortal danger, the next feeling more alive than she’d ever felt before, cradling something so precious and so rare in the palm of her hand.
She loved being inside Kara more than she could have imagined. Kara was slick and hot and she gripped tightly around Lena’s fingers as she began to fuck her. It was overwhelming. Everything seemed amplified, oversaturated, and she felt intensely powerful, looking down upon Kara’s face, her blue eyes dark, pupils overblown, her lips parted slightly, letting out a stuttering breath. It was a feeling that held Lena in its thrall as she began to rock her hips against the back of her hand.
“You’re perfect, Kara. You’re so perfect. I love you so much.”
“I—” Kara gasped as Lena thrust into her, “love you too. Oh, god. That feels so good.”
Lena was drunk on Kara’s reaction to her touch, the way her skin flushed, the way her chest heaved, the way she trembled and shook whenever Lena hit a particularly sensitive spot. Kara clung to her, kissing her sloppily, moaning into her mouth as Lena fucked her slow and deep.
She curled her fingers forward, in search of Kara’s g-spot, and when she found the spongy patch of flesh and began to press into it Kara cried out, throwing her head back.
“Lena, oh, what are you... what are you... doing to me? I don’t think I can... hold back anymore.”
“It’s ok Kara, just let go.”
“Ok, ok, oh! Lena!” Kara’s hands flew from Lena’s back to dig into the mattress.
“I’m right here.” Lena increased the speed of her thrusts, chasing the breathy, high-pitched cries Kara released when she bottomed out. Kara was so close, Lena could feel her like a rubber band about to snap. She redoubled her efforts, moving her thumb over Kara’s clit. “Let go. I know you can. I’ve got you.” She lowered her head to Kara’s chest, sucking a nipple into her mouth and pressing into it with her teeth.
Kara finally came with a sob, her back arched, her entire body taut. Her inner muscles clenched so tight they ejected Lena’s fingers entirely, so she rested her hand over Kara’s sex, rubbing her lightly to help ease her through the waves of her climax.
“You’re so beautiful when you come.” Lena pressed her body into Kara’s, kissing her way up from her chest to her face, where she discovered Kara was crying. “What’s wrong? Did I hurt you? Oh, Kara, I—”
“No, no, Lena, I’m ok. It was good. It was so good.” Kara covered her face with her arm, letting out a hitched breath before she continued. “No one’s ever touched me like that before. I never wanted anyone to. Not until you.”
Lena kissed the side of Kara’s face. “I love you.”
“I felt you, Lena. I felt everything. I felt your heartbeat coming through your fingertips...” Kara picked up Lena’s hand, kissing her fingers. “I can still feel it. I want to feel more.” She turned onto her side and pulled Lena into a kiss. “Can I touch you?”
“You can do whatever you want.”
“I just want to make you feel good,” Kara said, cupping the side of Lena’s face. She grinned when Lena turned and kissed her palm. “Gosh, Lena, you’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen.”
Gosh. Lena wasn’t sure if she’d ever actually heard someone say that word, but it was so perfectly Kara it made her heart melt. And it wasn’t just the word itself, it was the way she said it: breathy, reverent, with the softest look on her face. It was almost too much.
“Please, Kara, put your hands on me.”
And so she did. Lena closed her eyes and disappeared into the feeling of Kara’s firm hands on her body. They were on her chest, her stomach, her thighs. It felt like they were everywhere. Everywhere but the epicenter of her longing.
Kara began laying kisses all over Lena’s chest. She was enthusiastic, and thorough, spending a considerable amount of time sucking on her nipples and making small, awestruck noises. Lena was getting increasingly wet as each graze of Kara’s tongue or teeth sent a shock straight to her core.
Kara made her way slowly down Lena’s body, stopping at her belly to cover it with kisses. She sucked several dark red marks into the skin around Lena’s belly button before sitting up and placing a palm on her abdomen, stroking gently with her thumb. “You’re so beautiful.”
Kara slid her hand down to Lena’s hip. “I want to taste you. Is that ok?” At Lena’s nod, Kara gently pushed her legs apart, kissing each of Lena’s knees before running her blunt nails up and down the insides of her thighs. Lena shivered, a jolt traveling straight to her core.
Lena expected to feel vulnerable and anxious as Kara worked her way up to her sex, but she didn’t. Her stomach dropped in anticipation of what was coming, what she wanted, needed so badly. But she felt completely safe with Kara, who had so willingly laid herself bare for Lena.
Kara’s mouth felt incredible, and when her tongue found Lena’s clit her vision went white around the edges. Kara was achingly gentle but persistent, working her up slowly until her whole body felt electrified. Lena’s ascent was agonizingly slow, guided by the soft pulse of Kara’s tongue. As she crested the first wave of her orgasm she began to shake, and Kara’s hands moved to her hips to steady her.
Kara coaxed her through one orgasm and right into another, and she seemed determined to make her tip over into a third when Lena pushed her away.
“Too sensitive,” she said, shivering through an aftershock. “Come here.”
Kara crawled back up her body to kiss her deeply, her face still covered in Lena’s come. “I could do that all day. You taste so good.” She rested her head against Lena’s chest. “I want to stay here forever,” Kara sighed, lazily sucking on her nipple.
“I might let you.”
“I’m serious, Lena, I... I feel so close to you right now.” She pressed her lips to Lena’s chest. “I never want to be away from you again.”
“Darling, we can’t possibly stay attached at the hip twenty-four hours a day.”
“We can,” she pouted, wrapping her arms around Lena tightly.
Lena put a hand in Kara’s hair. “Would you settle for evenings and weekends?”
“And all major holidays?”
“All of them.”
“Lunches too?”
“Definitely.”
“And surprise visits sometimes?”
“Well...” Lena tapped a finger against her chin, pretending to ponder the question. “I suppose I can allow that.”
“Ok, it’s a deal!” Kara laughed, shaking Lena’s hand, then picking it up and bringing it to her mouth to kiss her knuckles. She watched Lena for a moment, lips still pressed to her fingers. “Thank you,” she said finally.
“For what?”
“For saving me.”
“I think you have it backwards, Supergirl.”
“No, I don’t. I couldn’t do any of this.” Kara gestured vaguely at herself. “I couldn’t be Supergirl without you.” She brought Lena’s hand to her chest. “I can still feel you, here. That’s you. You make me strong. Your love, your trust, your faith in me. I need you, Lena. Do you believe me?”
Lena moved forward, hand still on Kara’s chest, and kissed her softly. “I do,” she said, curling her fingers against Kara’s skin.
It was true that Lena couldn’t promise forever, and she could never be sure what the next day would bring, but maybe that was the point. The future was uncertain, so they had to choose to be strong for each other every day. Need brought them together, but love would build them up. And in the end, that was the only thing that really mattered.