Chapter Text
New Year’s Eve and I’m home alone. Dean sighed and flopped onto his bed, face down, and yelled into his pillow. He rolled over onto his back and studied the ceiling for a minute. Almost forty, and not a damned thing to show for it.
He always thought he’d be settled down by now. He’d have a house, maybe a pet or two, a family of his own. Instead, he was sharing a shitty third floor walk-up with a movie theater clerk who never had even part of his share of the bills and always stole his groceries. He’d taken to keeping a stash of granola bars at work, just so he’d be sure to get some breakfast.
Dean sighed and propped himself up against his headboard. Today was the day for making changes. New Year’s resolutions. He’d never really put much stock in it, had always been focused on just getting through day to day, and look where that had gotten him.
He grabbed the notebook off his nightstand. Can’t hurt to at least get an idea of what I need to do. The first few were easy. Pretty sure half of America is making the same resolutions Winchester.
- Save Money
- Exercise more
- Eat better.
Stereotypical or not, he wasn’t getting any younger. He needed to start taking better care of himself. Maybe not just physically either.
- Take time for myself
He’d never really been good at focusing on what he needed. First, it had been his baby brother; his dad had never been great at parenting, so a lot of that fell to Dean. All of it after his dad passed away when he was 20 and Sammy just 16. Taking care of Sammy and working had pretty much been his entire life for a couple of years.
Then, once Sam was safely off to college and doing well, there’d been Lisa. Lisa and Ben. He’d thought for the first couple of years that he might actually love her, and he sure as hell loved her kid, but after a while, it had become a mess of responsibility and obligation. He’d stayed until Ben asked him why he always looked so sad. Leave it to his tween not-quite-step-kid to put his life into perspective. After 10 years, their separation had been quiet and relatively painless.
Lately, it’s been work and dealing with Ash's bullshit. Ash was another responsibility passed on from his dad. The son of a friend. He’d always kinda looked out for Ash, in a general way. Then, Ash's last girlfriend had kicked him out, and Dean had offered him the spare room. Ash hadn’t ever bothered to find a place of his own, nor had he ever bothered to start paying his way. Dean was pretty sure Ash didn’t bother with much besides smoking pot and whatever girl he was seeing this month.
Yeah, it was about time he put some time into being his own person. Maybe now that Sam and Eileen's kids were out of diapers, they could do some family things. He never made the time to be a good uncle, and those kids were smart .
- Spend more time with family.
He added the bullet point and went back to considering what he wanted to change for himself . He was constantly working to be better at his job, and he knew he was good at it. The little auto shop where he worked was running more smoothly, and profitably, than ever since he’d become manager. Even Uncle Bobby had mentioned how proud he was to have him take over the family business, but outside work, there really wasn’t much to talk about.
- Learn a new skill.
Maybe I can learn to cook better. Sure, he’d done fine for Sam and for Ash. Sam had been a hungry teenager, willing to eat pretty much whatever Dean put in front of him, and Ash had a constant case of the munchies that made him even less picky. It was something that interested him, the idea of planning and preparing real meals. Though, the idea of cooking for one wasn’t all that appealing.
- Keep a journal.
He’d had a class in high school where they had to keep a journal. It had helped him to process a lot of shit at home, and had helped him focus. He’d picked it up again for a while after his dad had died, but he’d let life get in the way again. Maybe if he’d kept up the habit, he wouldn’t have spent so much time drifting. Maybe he wouldn’t be almost forty, sitting at home alone on New Year’s Eve. Dean sighed.
- Live life to the fullest.
That was the big one. Mom, Dad, Aunt Karen, even his buddy Kevin, they’d all died unexpectedly. You never knew when your time was going to be up. He’d basically been living the same day over and over again since he was eighteen. Get up, go to work, come home, shower, have dinner, drink a beer, maybe watch some TV, then go to bed. It was boring and... lonely .
It was time for a change. A LOT of changes.