Chapter Text
“Give me a job.”
Honestly, out of every possible direction Sanji had imagined this conversation going, he had not even once considered it getting slightly close to what it was now. He was half tempted to drop his knife, turn off the oven, and go to bed right then and there just to avoid the headache that this was surely about to become.
“Why. In the absolute hell , would I hire a dirty half-assed swordsman with the IQ of a dead rat to work at my world-renown, high-class, finest of fine dining restaurant?”
Zoro, being everything infuriating and stupid as physically possible, shrugged. Shrugged . Like if someone had asked him if putting tomatoes on his sandwich was ok. He just, shrugged.
“I need some money to pay back the witch. You have money now from this place, right? Give me a job and pay me.”
Sanji felt a vein pop in his head. He was sure that inside of Zoro’s tiny brain, the caveman logic he was using was solid, and yet-
“Why don’t you just fucking collect some bounties? Or, you know, do the thing pirates normally do and find treasure?”
“Can't turn in bounties if I have a bounty, dumbass. Besides, treasure hunting is Luffy and Nami’s thing, and it takes too long. And it's boring as hell.”
Sanji made his way over to the oven, turning it off and giving up on the pile of apples. Forget headache, it felt like a migraine was about to punch him in the face. He nodded to the two other chefs that finished up kitchen prep with him and exited the main kitchen, desperately hoping if he made it to bed fast enough the whole thing would end up just being a bad dream.
“So when do I start?”
Sanji lowered his foot right as he heard the distant splash of the swordsman hitting the water. He cursed, and lit up a cigarette.
Now his shoe was scuffed.
-oOo-
The All Blue floating restaurant was a combination of Franky’s latest and greatest handiwork and the slightly modified Baratie. The older ship wasn’t meant for the trip over reverse mountain, and by the time Zeff had thrown the anchor down next to the new ship, the Baratie looked like it had seen much better days, along with the old man himself. Zeff had promptly kicked Sanji in the head, yelled at Franky to fix the damn thing (“you try and change anything though and I’ll have you eating from a straw, you hear me blueberry head?”) and announced his retirement. As he put it, Sanji had found All Blue, it was his to deal with, not Zeff’s. This didn’t mean the old man wasn’t still in the kitchen most of the time, yelling at Sanji for one thing or another and barking orders when he felt like it.
“Oi! Eggplant! Get that green haired brute off the god-damn flour sacks!”
“I’m busy you old goat! Just kick him yourself!”
Sanji continued frying the onions while Zeff growled by the door.
“He’s your guest, you’re responsible, you take care of him!”
The nearby chefs looked back and forth, curious at the most recent drama. Sanji only gave them a beating if they stopped working, and all his chefs were good enough to lightly sauté even the thinnest cut vegetable while still paying attention of the day’s happenings. The perks of having a trained fighter and chef rolled into one meant constant awareness, a blessing and curse for the head chef.
Grumbling curses foul enough to kill flowers, Sanji passed the pan to Zeff and stomped his way to the many pantries. Zoro was in the third one, snoring away on a bag of perfectly shifted flour, important all the way from the east blue.
“Get OUT!”
Sanji had to maneuver himself so the kick didn’t come near any of the shelves. It came down on Zoro’s blade, yet said man remained comfortably pillowed on the flour.
“Time for work?”
Zoro yawned through the words, and Sanji pushed his foot down harder, making him grunt.
“It is time for you to LEAVE! I am not giving you a job, asshole!”
Zoro pushed the blade back, sending the cook into a backwards flip. He got up, stretched, and looked over at the seething blonde.
“Why not?”
Sanji was almost speechless. Almost.
“I already told you! There is no use for a gorilla on a fine dining establishment! Don’t you have people to go slice up? Just leave already!”
“Told you. Need money. Also no ship.”
“No ship-
Sanji looked over at the docking area. He had assumed one of the many boats was Zoro’s, meaning-
“How the hell did you get here?”
“Ship sunk on its way over. Dunno why.”
Sanji decided, for the sake of his own mental health, to end the conversation there.
-oOo-
“You WHAT?!”
“Your guest, your responsibility eggplant.”
“HE’S NOT MY GUEST!”
“Well he’s not mine, he’s not these guy’s-
Zeff motioned to the surrounded chefs, who had all decided it would be best to keep their heads down and work rather quietly.
“And he said he came here to work for you-
“HE DOES NOT WORK HERE GOD DAMNIT!”
Sanji was in desperate need for at least 8 cigarettes at this point, and he had promised Chopper he’d cut back.
“Whatever reason, he’s your problem, so he bunks with you. We don’t run a hotel here, there aren’t extra rooms. Deal with it.”
Sanji was tempted to pull the whole but-I’m-the-head-chef card but was very aware that had never once worked with the old man. Still though.
“Did you have to give him a key?”
Zeff gave him a flat look.
“Eggplant, I’d have given him my other leg if it meant getting him off the damn flour sacks.”
-oOo-
This was not going to work.
“This isn’t going to work.”
“Why the hell not?”
Sanji looked from Zoro to the single person bed and back to Zoro, raising an eyebrow.
“So it’s small, so what?”
Sanji raised a hand, deciding to make all the things wrong with the situation as clear as possible so the moss head didn’t hurt himself thinking.
“One. There is no way two grown men are fitting on that bed, which should be obvious but I’ll give you a break since you’re a helpless cyclops. Two. Not only do you smell, you snore.”
Zoro looked like he was about to argue but Sanji held up the third finger.
“Three. I told you to LEAVE you shitty plant brain! Call Luffy and get him to pick your ass up! Or swim to another island! I am not giving you a job here!”
“You’re telling me this place doesn't have a single extra room?”
Sanji knew for a fact where one extra room was, but it resided on the dreaded Nasugasira. The ship was the head chef’s absolute bane, crafted after his first wanted poster with awful, horrible accuracy. No matter how much he threatened Carne or begged Zeff, he couldn't get rid of it. Zoro hadn't noticed the small ship yet, a true miracle of things, and there was no way Sanji was voluntarily showing it to him. Said moss head yawned wide enough to crack his yawn, and then pointed at Sanji’s bed.
“I’ll sleep on the floor if you give me the pillow.”
Sanji made to continue his argument, but exhaustion hit him full force, and he sighed instead.
“Deal.”
-oOo-
Zoro did snore, almost as bad as Luffy. Sanji was thankful he was used to it enough to find sleep at all. Honestly, he was so used to bunking with unsightly sleepers since his very childhood that he hardly minded it, and, ok, if the bed was bigger and the oaf actually did bathe Sanji wouldn’t have minded sharing. He didn’t feel that bad about Zoro snoring away on the floor though, considering how often he chose to sleep on hard surfaces and the fact that, oh yeah, why is he even HERE?
“Wake up shit head, its breakfast.”
Zoro didn’t manage to dodge the kick to his gut, but as it was a rather gentle one and the cook was offering food, Zoro only grumbled about it a little. Sanji observed him warily, but was ultimately pleased to see the man had a better manner of eating when not competing with Luffy to fill his stomach. Sanji himself tucked into his own small meal, knowing it would have to last him through the hell that was lunch time on the dining vessel.
“So do I start work today or what?”
Sanji paused in motion of biting into his bread to turn and glare at the man. He slowly chewed and swallowed before speaking because unlike some people he had some fucking manners.
“Are you just doing this to annoy me? Is this what you do now? You’ve had enough of swinging blades around so you’re just going to annoy me to death?”
Zoro rolled his eyes, unimpressed and back to looking bored. Sanji guessed to most people he technically looked intimidating rather than bored, but then again Sanji had found sea kings to be fragile little things.
“Come on curly, don’t tell me you’ve got every single stupid thing on this ship running perfectly. Just figure out what needs doing and I’ll do it.”
Sanji looked over at the clock on the wall and cursed. He didn’t have time for this.
“Look, just don’t touch anything and come get lunch at noon. Go in through the back entran-shit actually just ask someone to take you there I don’t have time to make a map. Don’t bother the customers or creep out my staff, got it?”
Sanji barely waited for the affirmative grunt before rushing out the door. He prayed Zoro would at least not start doing his work out thing in the room. After a long day of work he really didn’t want to fall asleep with the smell of marimo sweat in his nose.
He greeted the usual morning staff as he swiftly maneuvered his way to the large preparation station at the center of his beautiful, bustling kitchen. Zeff was, unfortunately, already there and settled in to the work.
“You’re late, shitty eggplant.”
“Shut up. I was feeding the mold.”
Zeff grunted at that, continuing to flip whatever was in his pan. Sanji looked over the orders and began moving into the rapid flow of making and dishing out true perfection (which he knew it was despite a certain old bastards complaining). It brought Sanji’s mind to a light and easy place, one where it was simply him and cooking.
“So how long is the matcha head staying?”
Aaand the light place was gone.
“Fuck knows. He wants a job, the shitty bastard. Lost his boat too apparently, so I’m still working on getting him out of here.”
“Doesn’t he have some sword swinging to do or something? Why the hell is he asking for a job here? Don’t tell me he cooks.”
Sanji gave something between a laugh and a shudder, which probably looked like a small seizure. He remembered Zoro trying to cook. Once. It never happened again and Sanji would make sure it never, ever would happen again for the safety of all creatures on the planet.
“That lazy asshole just likes pissing me off. It’s not like there’s actually anything he could do around here. Like I said, I just need to get him a ride. Or maybe I’ll just shove him in a barrel and send him out on a wave.”
“Why not just give him some monkey job? Get him to do dishes, hell, get him to clean tables.”
Sanji distinctly remembered when a certain rubber man had crashed through the Baratie’s roof and Zeff had decided giving him a job would work out.
“We have these specifically hired people called dishwashers, you geezer. And like hell I’m putting him anywhere near normal human beings. Why are we even talking about this? He’ll be gone before you know it and be back to slicing open random assholes and out of my hair.”
Zeff was quiet for a while, and Sanji hoped he would stay quiet and let the cooking time be about cooking. Even talking about Zoro was enough to make the serene morning sour.
“He might just be here to catch up, you know. Nakama typically stay close long after the boat they sailed on departs without them. Don’t tell me you don’t miss your crewmates.”
Sanji actually turned to look at Zeff. The old man had a melancholy mood around him, and Sanji reminded himself that not only had Zeff been a pirate most of his life, he had been a captain. He knew nakama, chose them and watched them, and (grudgingly) Sanji admitted the bastard knew more than he did.
“The moss head and I may have been nakama, but we never got along for shit. Hell, if we hadn’t met Luffy we probably would have killed each other a long time ago.”
“That true? You really hate the man so much but sailed with him for how long? Fought by his side, changed the world? Don’t lie to me, little eggplant.”
Sanji focused on the tuna he was making, slightly embarrassed at the parental tone Zeff was using to reprimand him with. Alright, so maybe he and Zoro didn’t literally hate each other, but it was true they didn’t get along! When the crew went their separate ways, Sanji actually hadn’t expected the moss head to turn up at his restaurant now and then. He always brought a good challenge sure, and it was kind of fun to argue with him again, but the man rubbed Sanji all the wrong ways, got under his skin like dirt under fingernails and drove him crazy. And, if years of sailing together had proved anything, it was that Zoro felt the same way. They had a good system going of only coming in contact when the gang gathered for a social meet up, there was a big deal with some big baddie, or Zoro was (not willing to admit it) lost. Zoro was currently fucking up that system at the moment, which was another reason Sanji wanted to kick a hole through his face. No, having the stupid swordsman around for an extended period of time without the crew to be a buffer would end catastrophically. Whatever Zeff knew about nakama just didn’t apply to Sanji and Zoro’s relationship…thing.
“If you want to give him something to do and take responsibility for whatever damages he causes, be my guest. In the meantime, the liquor supply will need to be watched and I have a call to make. Does everyone hear that? Do NOT let the green haired dumbass have access to the alcohol!”
A chorus of ‘Yes head chef!’ rang out, giving Sanji the slight comfort that maybe his good wines were safe for now. Another reason to get the moss ball out of the restaurant sooner rather than later.
“You could give the brute a chance at least. It’s not like the world will end if we get him to do some shipment lifting.”
Sanji could very well see the world ending. He could actually see, clear as day, the image of Zoro next to the All Blue, which was on fire, shrugging his shoulders and saying something like “I thought the very sensitive explosive things went next to the burning lamp and then I decided to take a nap”.
“Like I said, feel free to make him your own little worker bee, just be prepared to clean up after him. I need a smoke.”
-oOo-
The den-den mushi sat happily in Sanji’s hand, probably picking up on its handlers cheerful mood. The blonde felt for the poor thing, since he knew he wasn’t exactly sweet with most of the people on the phone, and the little creature suffered for it. but in moments like these-
“Nami-swaaannnn! My gorgeous princess, it has been so long since I have heard your melodious voice!”
Sanji twirled a bit, a rather silly smile stuck on his face at the thought of his forever favorite red-head.
“Oh my eternally perfect flower, I have wished to see you so that I might feed you meals refined enough for yo-
“Ok, can we skip this part? What do you need, Sanji.”
“Ah, of course, such a skilled lady as yourself will be preoccupied by-
“Sanji.”
“The marimo is stuck here and needs someone to pick him up. Preferably very soon.”
There was a pause on the other line, and Sanji imagined Nami at her desk, looking lovely as usual with an attractive, pensive look to her elegant face-
“Zoro? What is he doing over there? He just bought my latest map for the southern grandline!”
Sanji looked over to his own purchased copy of Nami’s (still incomplete but incredibly detailed) new world map. If Zoro bought a map to the southern grandline, he was at least a week’s journey away from being in that general direction. What the fuck.
“Uh…Hmm. Well, I’m afraid even with you’re outstanding map-
“Of course the idiot ends up lost. Again. Why do I even bother making him maps? Does he even read them before he decides to just turn the wheel in a random direction? Wait, what happened to my boat?”
Oh boy.
“Ah, well, you see Nami-swan-
“What did he do with my boat?!”
Some men may admit true fear to Nami’s voice at times like this. But no, Sanji was proud to admit that he only shuddered and flinched out of true devotion to his Nami-san’s authoritative nature.
“Well the actual, er, condition of the boat may actually be fine! It’s entirely possible-
“SANJI.”
“It’s underwater somewhere and I’m very sorry-
There was a loud noise very close to a shriek but much closer to a roar, accompanied by several thuds and curses so vulgar Sanji simply refused to believe they could be uttered by a lovely lady such as Nami. After a few good seconds, the noises quieted down. Hesitantly, he brought the earpiece close.
“…Nami-san?”
No response.
“If anyone’s listening please come retrieve a lost child at these coordinates…”