Work Text:
“Did you really think you would ever be free of this place?”
Finn’s breath heaved, his hands shaking. He tried to turn around but his feet were rooted to the floor, as if he were a fly trapped in a web. He whipped his head left and right, searching for the source of the voice. Perhaps, it was a force user. It would explain why his limbs were frozen beyond any practical use.
Before he could consider any other possibilities, a figure entered his line of sight. Her height and chrome armour were impossible to mistake.
Phasma.
“My friends will come for me,” he told her, spitting at her feet.
Phasma laughed – it was a terrifying sound. “Stormtroopers don’t have friends.”
A scream pierced his ears. To Phasma’s left appeared the young woman from the Jakku village. Her hands were folded over a gaping wound in her middle. She stared at him, face streaked with tears. He looked down to find he was holding a blaster.
“No, I couldn’t have,” he cried, his stomach churning.
“You will always be FN2187.”
Finn awoke with a gasp, his body twisting in his bed-sheets.
The village woman’s screams echoed in his ears louder than his frenzied heartbeat.
She hadn’t died by Finn’s hand that day on Jakku, but she easily could have. All it would’ve taken was a slight press of his fingers against the trigger.
Hand to his chest, he tried to focus on the details of his surroundings. There was a small cup of water beside his beside table. Beside the cup was a letter Rey had written him while he was unconscious in the med-bay. Across the room from both of those items, hung up on the wall, was a sketch of Snap’s home planet Akiva. Snap had drawn it for him one lazy afternoon…
He was not on the Finaliser.
…
Finn entered the mess hall, to find it as loud and bustling as usual. It still amazed him how loud they were permitted to be. Finn took his usual seat by Poe who smiled at him as he sat down. He was the last to arrive at the table - Jess, Snap and Poe having arrived some time before he had. Jess was in the middle of a story about the last time she had visited Pamarthe.
“And I swear on my life, he stared at me like I had two heads.”
“I mean you did tell him you downed eight shots of Port in a Storm one after the other,” Snap pointed out.
Jess held up her hands. “I didn’t expect him to actually take me seriously. I mean how stupid can you be? Even a Pamarthen couldn’t down that many in a row.”
“I dunno Jess, you can be pretty convincing.”
Jess’s hand flew to her chest and she lifted her head dramatically. “You give me far too much credit.”
“Did you actually get any intel while you were there or did you just spend the whole time chatting people up?” Poe asked.
“Of course I got the intel, who do you think I am? I heard Finn got some pretty good intel the other day too.”
Finn nodded. The mission to Pillio had been extremely successful. He’d discovered a secret weapons base for the First Order. General Organa had even thought to personally thank him for it. “Yeah.”
“Was it an easy run?”
“Yeah, pretty easy.” Finn wished she’d change the subject. He didn’t feel up to talking, even about trivial matters. He still couldn’t get his mind off the villager.
“Run into any bad guys?”
“A few,” Finn said.
“Okay…” Jess said, obviously realising Finn wasn’t going to be more forthcoming. “What about you Snap, been on any cool missions lately?”
Poe looked at Finn, concerned. Finn gave him a small smile and then looked away.
…
That night, he faced Phasma and the villager in his dreams again. This time, the villager pleaded for him to stop.
This time he watched himself fire the fatal shot.
…
Finn was on his way back to his quarters after a briefing with General Organa, when he heard someone call his name. He turned around to see Poe hurrying towards him.
“Hey,” he said once Poe had reached him. “What’s up?”
Poe’s breathing was fairly steady as if he hadn’t been running at all – a testament to his active nature. “Look buddy, I’m just a bit concerned.”
“Concerned about what?”
Poe looked around the corridor for a moment. Then he jerked his head in the direction of a door to the left side of the corridor, and headed towards the room. Finn followed him, his brow furrowed. He’d never been in that particular room before.
The room turned out to be a very small meeting room, devoid of any and all life forms. The door slid shut, and then Poe turned back to him.
“As I was saying I’m concerned,” Poe said, eyes intent on Finn. His eyes were striking in their intensity.
“About?” Finn hoped Poe wasn’t getting at what Finn thought he was getting at.
“You.”
Damn it.
“Me? Why would you be concerned about me? I’ve never been better.”
“There’s definitely something going on with you,” Poe insisted.
“What gives you that impression?”
Poe gave him a look – a look that argued no bullshit.
“It’s just that…you barely say anything any more, and you just look so tired all the time.”
Finn shrugged. “There’s not much to be said.”
“I know it’s more than that.”
“Look, I’m just not getting enough sleep. That’s all,” Finn admitted. It wasn’t a lie - he hadn’t had a full six hours of sleep in years.
“I’m sorry to hear that.” Poe frowned, looking genuinely aggrieved as if it were he who was being deprived of sleep. “Is something keeping you up at night? Mynocks or something like that?”
“I just can’t seem to fall asleep.” Finn’s hands shook by his sides. He wished Poe would drop the subject.
“I’m guessing counting banthas or drinking blue milk hasn’t helped?”
Finn snorted. “Can’t say I’ve tried it.”
His brain was too chaotic, constantly tugging at multiple threads of thought simultaneously, to possibly focus on the simple task of counting leaping banthas.
“It hasn’t worked for me, but it might work for you. You should give it a try.”
Finn took a step closer to Poe, his heart racing. “You have trouble sleeping too?”
Finn knew he couldn’t possibly be the only person with sleeping issues, but he hadn’t dreamed that Poe also shared them. He knew their situations were likely vastly different but part of him, as awful as it was, rejoiced in the fact that he wasn’t alone in his struggles, even if another part of him longed to take away all of Poe’s suffering.
Poe bit his lip. “Sometimes.”
Finn’s stomach twisted. Oh how badly he wanted to confide in Poe about his nightmares. His mind raced with thoughts of what he could say.
He could explain how his body shook every time he closed his eyes, fearful of opening them to find himself on the Finalizer. Or how some nights he tried everything he could to stay awake, wanting to spend one night free of any nightmares, but succumbing to sleep regardless. Or worst of all, he could tell Poe about the villager.
But no, he couldn’t say any of it.
He couldn’t bear to see the look of disgust on Poe’s face.
“Well if you find a solution, let me know,” Finn said instead.
“I definitely will. Are you sure nothing else is going on?”
Finn shook his head. “Really I’m fine.”
Poe looked at him carefully. “Well if anything does come up, I hope you know I’m always around to talk to. Unless I’m in an x-wing, blowing up First Order ships. But if that’s the case, I’m pretty sure you’ll be on the ground, gunning them down, so you won’t have time to talk either.”
The corner of Finn’s lip turned up. “Thanks Poe,”
“Don’t mention it.” Poe knocked his shoulder against Finn’s. “Now, you up for a game of sabaac?”
…
Finn put off going to sleep as much as he could that night. He took extra care to ensure that no trace of dust was left behind in his quarters, and that the floor was almost shiny in it’s cleanliness.
When he was satisfied with his quarters' condition, he curled up on his bed and began reading a holo book Jess had leant him. Despite it being the third time Finn had read the holo book, it wasn’t long before the events of the day began fading from his mind and he became enraptured in the adventures of a twi'lek, a wookie and an astromech droid. As a stormtrooper, he hadn’t been permitted to read anything, unless it was a biased account of the history of the empire. Thus, he devoured the book as if he were a starving beggar tearing into a hearty meal.
However a few hours later, the lateness of the hour tightened its hold on him and his eyes began to flutter shut more and more frequently, unable to focus on the words a second longer. Knowing he was fighting a losing battle, he deposited the holo book on his bedside table and raised his fingertips to the panel to turn off the lights. He slipped into bed, twisting his body here and there, until he found himself in a comfortable position.
He knew it would still be a while before he fell asleep – his heart refused to stop racing. He couldn’t stop thinking of what was to come.
He tossed and turned, willing himself to dream of something else, anything else.
Beep.
He jolted into full alertness.
Was the base being attacked?
He got to his feet and hurried over to the door, slamming his hand against the pad to open the door.
It was Poe.
“Hey Finn,” he said, almost sheepishly. “I hope I didn’t wake you.”
“No, no, I wasn’t asleep, what’s up?” Finn asked quickly. He let out a huge breath, leaning against the wall.
The base wasn’t being attacked. Everything was fine.
“Well, I was just thinking. You know how you can’t sleep, and I can’t sleep? Well, maybe it would help if we slept together?”
Finn stared at him, eyes wide.
Was Poe really suggesting…
Poe slapped a hand to his face, face reddening. “God not sleep together like that. I meant sleep next to each other. I’m really tired, that’s all I can say.”
Finn nodded, his heart leaping in his chest. Poe actually wanted to spend the night with him. The thought both thrilled him and slightly terrified him. “Well it’s gotta be more helpful than blue milk, right?”
Poe laughed. “My thoughts exactly.”
Finn stepped backwards to let Poe inside. Poe must’ve been really tired, because he took no hesitation in slipping right into Finn’s bed. Finn followed him cautiously, clambering into the bed from the other side.
“God, it’s good to get under the blanket again, the base sure gets freezing at night,” Poe said.
“Yeah it sure does,” Finn lied, not wanting to disregard Poe’s discomfort. The Finalizer was ten times as cold as the Resistance base, almost as if it was engineered to complement the personalities of the majority of its occupants.
Besides, his mind was focused on more pressing things than the weather. Poe was lying right next to him for fuck’s sake. His face was so close to his that Finn could feel his cool breath on his skin. All Finn had to do was move his face forward a little and their noses would brush. Who knew what would happen from there? Part of him ached to know, a part of him screamed for him to move his head just that slight bit forward, to let their noses brush.
But this could ruin everything.
What if Poe didn’t feel the same way? What if he awkwardly laughed the attempt off and then didn’t speak to Finn for weeks? Finn couldn’t bear that.
But then again, what if Poe did want the same things Finn did? What if when Finn brushed his nose against Poe’s, Poe moved in even closer and kissed him? His heart ached with want, so sharply that Finn knew he couldn’t waste the opportunity.
“Poe, I…” he began, not knowing what he was going to say, but knowing it was crucial all the same.
Finn’s words were cut off with a snore.
Finn’s shoulders drooped, and his throat tightened. It looked like what he wanted to say, wasn’t meant to be said after all.
He forced his eyes shut and tried to pretend that Poe was not there.
He couldn’t.
Poe was so close, closer than he’d even been before, and nothing could stop Finn from wanting him.
…
The villagers all crowded around him, each of their faces streaked with blood. There was nowhere to run, and nowhere to hide. Finn had to face them.
“It’s your fault we died,” one villager spit at his feet. It was an elderly lady with skin like crumpled flimsi.
“I didn’t get to say goodbye,” another, much younger, told him wistfully.
“I didn’t mean for this to happen,” Finn choked out, holding his palms up.
“You should’ve protected us.” Now it was a small child staring up at him, his lower lip trembling.
“I’m so, so sorry,” he told all of them, trying to back away, but that just made them crowd in closer. They were so close he could barely breathe.
“Sorry won’t bring us back,” they chanted.
“Stop it,” he shouted, covering his ears.
They all pressed their bloodstained hands to his pristine stormtrooper armour. He tried to push their hands away but there were too many upon him.
“I don’t want to wear this. I don’t want to be this!”
“You don’t have a choice.”
…
“Finn, Finn,” he felt a hand shake him awake. He flinched away, gasping.
He could still see their faces; he could still see the blood. He blinked furiously, attempting to banish them from his mind. Without warning, light flooded the room and they all vanished. He turned to see Poe with his hand over the light panel.
Finn sat up and put a hand over his pounding heart, still heaving with breaths.
“Hey, you’re okay,” Poe said softly, crawling back onto the bed and sitting next to him, legs crossed. “It was just a dream.”
Finn stared at him, trying to reorientate himself, to remind himself, he wasn’t with the First Order anymore - he was here on the Resistance base, with Poe.
“You’re okay,” Poe said again, resting a hand on Finn’s shoulder.
As his pounding heart began to slow and his breathing returned to its natural rate, he couldn’t find it within himself to look Poe in the eye. He was too ashamed.
“Poe, it wasn’t just a dream,” he admitted, his throat tight.
“What do you mean?” Poe’s tone was still so gentle - it was almost unbearable. Finn knew, it wouldn’t remain so for long.
Finn still couldn’t look at him. “It’s real, all of it. All of it happened.”
“Hey, talk to me. What happened?” Poe’s rubbed his hand up and down Finn’s arm “Is this what’s been going on this whole time? You keep having dreams like this?”
“I didn’t want to tell you about them,” Finn explained, his eyes filling with tears. He finally allowed himself to look at Poe, knowing it was a losing battle. “It’s my fault they died. I just stood there - I didn’t do anything.”
Poe merely looked confused. “Who are you...?”
“The villagers on Jakku,” he choked out. “There were men, women and children and I let them all die.”
“No, no you didn’t,” Poe told him, shaking his head. “The First Order told you to shoot them and you refused to. There was nothing more you could have done.”
“I can still see their faces,” Finn whispered, not really hearing what Poe was saying at all. “I see them every night.”
“No wonder you can’t sleep.” Poe bit his lip, looking devastated. “But listen, you can’t blame yourself for that, it’s not your fault.”
“I should have saved them.” Finn’s tone bordered on hysterical now. It was the first time he’d said the words out loud.
“As much as we’d like to, we can’t save everyone. It’s impossible. We can only do our best. The fact that you feel so guilty about this shows how good of a person you are, Finn. How many stormtroopers do you know that defected?”
“None,” he conceded.
“Well there was one or two,” Poe amended. Finn supposed the First Order had covered that up pretty well. “But compare that to the thousands of stormtroopers out there. What you did was pretty incredible.”
Finn nodded, he supposed that was true. But it didn’t change what he’d failed to do.
“I still don’t know how to make them stop.”
“Come here.” Then Poe pulled him into a hug. Finn could count on one hand the number of times he’d been held and they all involved Poe. Poe’s hugs were legendary. He wrapped his arms around Poe and hugged him back with all the air he had left in him. The warmth of it was better than real food, better than real water and better than any of his newly acquired possessions. He never wanted to let go.
And Poe didn’t seem like he was going to – he kept running his hand up and down Finn’s back slowly, his face pressed against Finn’s hair.
Even when he did pull back, he didn’t remove himself completely from Finn, leaving his arms loosely around Finn. His face was so close to Finn’s, as close as it had been when they’d slept together the night before. Finn felt a strong pull in his chest at the sight.
“I suppose we should go back to bed now.” Finn’s eyes darted to his chronometer.
“Do you really want that?” Poe asked.
Finn thought about lying. He didn’t want to pressure Poe into staying up with him, but decided to be honest. “No, I can’t possibly sleep. I don’t want to see their faces again.”
“Sleep is overrated anyway.” Poe shrugged. Poe settled himself down on the bed so his back was against the pillows and held out his arms. “How about we just chat then?”
It seemed that something had irrevocably changed that night. Eyes wide, he crawled into Poe’s arms, resting his head against Poe’s. He knew he shouldn’t get too excited – perhaps Poe did this with all his friends. God, he hoped it was more than that.
He glanced back at the chronometer and realised they still had four hours until they had to be up.
“I won’t be offended if you want to sleep,” Finn said, hating himself as he said it - he didn’t want Poe to go anywhere. “You’re training pilots tomorrow, you don’t want to be nodding off on the job.”
Poe shrugged. “I’ve stayed up for forty eight hours straight once, don’t worry about me.”
Finn didn’t argue it any further.
It was silent for a few minutes, and Finn worried that Poe had fallen asleep after all, but then Poe asked, “How are you finding life on the base?”
“I love it here, you have no idea how much.” Finn thought of the freedom he was permitted here. He could say whatever he wanted; do whatever he wanted. It was like nothing he’d ever experienced before. He only wished he could tell Rey all about it.
“But, I do wish Rey was here,” he continued, speaking his thoughts. “She’s still training with Skywalker, and I haven’t seen her since that whole Starkiller mess happened.”
“Why not comm her?” Poe suggested. Finn had thought of that, but it was impossible. Rey was on a top-secret island. It could compromise Rey’s whole mission if Finn commed her and someone tracked their call.
He explained as much to Poe.
“But, I know that General Leia has commed her from time to time. There must be some way to comm her that’s un-trackable. If you talked to General Leia about it, I’m sure she’d arrange a comm for you.”
Finn’s eyes lit up. “You really think so?”
“Yeah, I mean, you did help bring down Starkiller Base. She owes you a favour or two.”
“That would be incredible! I’ll ask her about it tomorrow.” He was going to talk to Rey again – and so soon! He found himself smiling for the first time in days.
Poe smiled back at him. “It’d be a good distraction for you, given all you’ve got going on.”
“Yeah, I need as many distractions as I can get,” Finn agreed.
Poe’s next words were almost hesitant, very unlike him. “Are you and Rey…”
Finn was confused for a second but then realised what Poe was implying. “No, no. God no. She’s my best friend, besides you of course, but that’s all.”
“I’m your best friend?”
“Of course,” Finn said, forehead creased. “Aren’t I yours?”
Poe’s arm tightened around him. “Of course you are. Since the moment we escaped death together, we formed an unbreakable bond.”
Finn smiled. “Don’t you escape death on a daily basis?”
“Yeah, but not with you.”
Finn felt warm all over.
“Does that ever get to you?” Finn asked. “Almost dying so often?”
Poe shrugged. “Better that I die trying to stop the First Order than an innocent kid who dies because I didn’t try at all. Besides I love the thrill of it.”
Finn knew what he meant about the thrill. It was one of the reasons he was still alive. If it weren’t for the thrill he felt, he’d be paralysed with fear every time he was in a dangerous situation.
“I’m surprised you don’t get nightmares too,” Finn joked.
Poe went quiet for a moment.
“You do get nightmares?” Finn asked, his heart sinking.
Poe nodded. “Not every night anymore, but sometimes.”
“I’m sorry I assumed…”
“No, no,” Poe said hurriedly. “I didn’t tell you about them. How were you to know?”
Finn supposed that was true but he still felt bad. “What sort of nightmares are they?”
“When I was a kid it was about watching my mother die.”
“And now?”
“Now they’re about being a prisoner of the First Order. About being tortured by Kylo Ren.”
Finn shuddered. “No wonder you’re having nightmares. It looks like we both need this.”
Poe nodded. “Half of the reason I came here is because I couldn’t sleep. The other was because I was sure you couldn’t either.”
Finn snuggled in closer to Poe. “I’m so glad you did, this is so much better than staring at the ceiling all night.”
“Are you sure about that? I personally find ceiling watching to be a very exciting activity.”
Finn crinkled his nose. “I just mean that counting banthas and contemplating what I’m going to do tomorrow gets kinda old. With another person you can talk, and play games and things.”
“There’s a good way to lighten the mood, let’s play a game,” Poe suggested. “We’ve still got three hours left.”
“Like?”
“How about a categories game? We could start with planets, I say a planet, then you say a planet, and whoever can’t think of one within thirty seconds loses.”
“You’re on,” Finn said. “D’Qar.”
“Hoth.”
“Ryloth.”
“Naboo.”
They went back and forth for about twenty minutes. With each turn, Poe’s response seemed to become more and more delayed until his answers were almost slurred. When Finn uttered “Pillio,” on his twenty-second turn and Poe didn’t respond at all, Finn looked up to see that Poe’s eyes were closed, his breaths slow and even.
Finn smiled fondly at him, feeling warm inside at the sight. He wished they could sleep together every night like this. That he could wake up to see Poe every morning. The thought sent a spark of awareness through him and he lay there thinking about it the rest of the night.
…
Finn still hadn’t managed to sleep when the chronometer went off, but Poe had slept the rest of the night through. Poe groaned, slapping the chronometer off and rolling right into Finn – Poe had rolled around a lot during the night. As soon as they made contact, Poe jolted upright, as if only just remembering where he was.
“Finn, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep!”
“You needed the sleep,” Finn assured him. “And you kept me company most of the night.”
“I better get back to my room,” Poe said sheepishly, moving to scoot off the bed. Before he could, Finn grabbed his arm.
“Wait,” Finn said. “There’s something I have to do first.”
Then Finn leaned in and kissed him. It was just a peck but it took all of Finn’s courage to do it. At first, Poe simply stared at him, dumbfounded. Then he grinned, his smile better than sunshine in a country known for its rain, and he pulled Finn in for a sweet kiss.
“I’ve been wanting to do that for so long,” Poe said, short of breath for once. “You just beat me to it.”
Finn grinned back at him, then leaned in for another kiss.
Finn couldn’t banish his nightmares - that was for certain. But he could ride them out with someone he loved, and that made all the difference.