Chapter Text
I saw her again tonight.
She comes to me sometimes in flashes, sometimes in dreams that linger in my mind, even long after I wake. Sometimes I see her during meditation, when my ‘master’ would rather have me think of nothing at all.
Her age morphs. She is a child. She is an adolescent. She is a young woman. She’s against the sand and the snow. Her muddy eyes are flecked with green, her hair entangled in a bizarre style, one that would never be worn by an admiral or senator.
When she comes to me this time, she is in a forest. Her neutral colored clothing clings to her lithe form, sweat beading on her brow. She leans over, catching her breath.
I can feel the uneven landscape beneath my feet. My vision is obscured by something, and I become frustrated, longing to see her, all of her.
Who is she? I wonder, not for the first time, not for the last.
Rey’s eyes eagerly scanned the lines of the entry, her fingers tracing over the fine calligraphy. The writer, a former Padawan she deduced, articulated his thoughts in such a lovely manner. It took her breath away, and left her wanting to know more.
She knew she shouldn’t be paying as much mind to the entries as she was; she had opened the Jedi texts to seek their wisdom for her training, hadn’t she? When she stumbled upon the lines, however, they had gradually taken over her full attention. Sometimes the entries were scrawled between the lines of the text, and sometimes they appeared vertically, traveling up the blank space of the pages.
Her favorites were the ones in the back of the book, for more often than not there were previously empty pages coated in the fine artwork of his words.
She knew for certain the writer must be a young man. His tone and his desire for this woman he saw, it was palpable in every phrase. The way his male gaze permeated the page was intoxicating, and Rey needed to know if he would ever find her.
The pad of her finger traced over the line she had just read. She moved slowly, not wanting to miss a detail, an emotion.
She straightens when she senses my presence. She’s so close; I can feel her in the air, but I want to feel her beneath my hands.
When her eyes finally land on me, I expect to see wonder, confusion, perhaps even desire…but when they find me, her face goes slack. Her almond eyes, once so determined and sparkling, crumble into something putrid.
She looks at me with fear.
And then I wake up in my bunk sweating, frustrated and confused.
Rey felt a wave of disappointment crash over her. She really thought he would speak to her this time. She empathized with his frustration. This boy, whoever he was, seemed as lonely as had been on Jakku. If she thought he was alive she would have wanted to find him after the war. Alas, these texts were hundreds of years old, so it was almost certain the writer was long dead.
These visions of her are almost too much to bear, but even with my mind filled, I would never wish them away for a moment. She is fierce yet gentle in a way that soothes my soul. Her voice, although I have never heard it, I can tell will be a welcome change from the other one that speaks to me.
I wonder daily now, if becoming a Jedi is meant to be my destiny. When the doubt rages in my mind, prickling against the front of my brain, I think of her and for a moment there is no conflict.
She gives me purpose in a world where I find none.
The entry ended here, and Rey had to prevent herself from turning to the next page. She had already scanned the other books in her possession, and she knew this was the only one that contained his writing. She needed to savor what little material she had of him.
She shut the text with a snap, placing it into her sack along with the others. When she had originally taken the books from the ancient tree, she had the intent to return them. Now she didn’t know if she would live to visit Ahch-To again.
She started as alarms blared, loud and flashing throughout her room. She grabbed her bag and sprinted into the hallway, her fellow rebel comrades flying around her in a frenzy. She caught Finn’s dark complexion further down the corridor, and she ran to catch up to him. She placed a hand on the back of his shoulder. His eyes were wild and fearful, and for a moment he looked as though he didn’t recognize her. When awareness dawned across his features, he searched her eyes worriedly.
“Rey!”
“What’s going on?” she shouted over the deafening alarms.
“First Order. They’ve found us.”
Rey’s heart froze in her chest.
It had only been a month since Crait. The once formidable Resistance, their numbers reaching into the hundreds had been reduced to merely dozens. They had made weak contact with some of their allies, and while some had agreed to aid them, many were reluctant to join what appeared to be the losing side. They had left Crait as soon as they were able, knowing it wasn’t safe to linger in a location where the First Order knew their whereabouts. While they had managed to secure a larger vessel than the Falcon, their numbers were far to few to take on another Destroyer.
When Rey secured herself inside an X-wing and launched away from the rebel’s main vessel, however, she realized it wasn’t a Destroyer tracking them, but a dreadnought. It loomed over the scattering of remote planets, hundreds of them dotting the system where both sides of the war met. When Leia had called upon volunteers to buy time for the rest of the fleet, Rey had immediately volunteered, as had Poe, as had Finn and Rose. Chewie was there as well, his wails ringing in her ears through the Falcon’s communication system.
Despite the churning in her stomach, it was a comfort to hear Poe, his confidence never wavering for a moment, as he ordered the volunteers into an effective attack position. Even with his General status, Poe would never miss a chance to get right in on the action.
“Carter, Abdul, circle wide and hit any cannons you can on the left flank. Tico, Finn, you take the right. Marks and I will take the center.” Rey turned her head when she heard Poe swear in her earpiece. She craned her neck, and realized why.
The dreadnought had deployed several smaller vessels, all heading in their direction. As Rey’s eyes scanned over their advancing attackers, her body stilled when she recognized one in particular. The TIE silencer.
His TIE silencer.
Rey’s fingers curled around her controls, her knuckles a stark white. Her foot subconsciously went out to touch her sack holding the Jedi texts, as if he would try and take them from her. Why wouldn’t he? He had taken so much already.
She felt him in that moment, the buzzing in her brain magnifying. He was trying, not for the first time, to reconnect their bond. As always, she used what little control she had over their connection to keep it severed.
The First Order ships dispersed, and Poe fired out a series of commands. An explosion rippled beside Rey, and she discovered with a jolt of horror that one of the rebel ships had been hit. Launching into action, she maneuvered her X-wing into the thick of the battle, clipping the wings of any enemy ship that dared fire on her friends.
She grinned in triumph as she discharged her blasters, annihilating a craft that had attempted to take down Rose’s shuttle. Just then, she heard Poe’s voice ringing in her ear.
“I just received a transmission from Leia. The rest of the fleet is safe, prepare to disengage.”
Rey almost breathed a sigh of relief. The Resistance would survive for another day.
That was, if she and her friends could get out of this.
Rey gasped as her craft shook violently, and she let out a string of curses when she discovered laser fire had dismantled her blasters. She angled her craft in a dive, trying to get away from the intensity of the battle to gain some perspective. She looked around as her friends’ ships swerved, desperately avoiding the steadily multiplying First Order vessels. In the thicket of it all, Rey glimpsed the Falcon, and what she saw made her blood freeze.
The silencer was heading straight for it.
The Millennium Falcon was not meant for evasion. It was far too old and too clunky to avoid a model as sleek as the silencer. Rey knew Kylo Ren couldn’t resist the opportunity to obliterate Han’s prized vessel. Perhaps he thought by destroying the Falcon, he could destroy the lingering confliction he had for slaying his father.
Not on Rey’s watch.
She acted upon instinct. She couldn’t fire at the silencer with her blasters fried, but she knew if she timed her movements just right, she could cut the darker ship off. Slamming on the accelerator, Rey angled the front of her ship directly at Kylo’s, knowing she would only have one shot.
He was only a matter of yards from the Falcon now,but that was the farthest he would get.
Rey slammed her craft into Kylo’s, clipping his wing and sending both ships hurtling to the side. She spun violently, the force of the impact causing her to lose all sense of direction, and then she was falling.
If Rey were in a right state of mind she would have logically deduced that their ships couldn’t be dragged down unless they had gotten caught in the gravity of a planet. It was a rather obvious thing to assume, since there were so many surrounding their battle. In her adrenaline-laced panic, however, Rey lost all rational thought as her ship plummeted to its doom.
She was vaguely aware of Kylo’s ship diving next to hers, and she wondered if he knew this was probably the end for both of them. As they broke the atmosphere, Rey could make out the lush green and blues of the landscape below, and even in her terror she was reminded of Ahch-To and of Luke.
Just when she came close enough to realize the biome she was about to crash into was deciduous, she felt her ship lurch and her descent began to slow significantly.
How…?
She didn’t have time to think, for at that moment her ship hurtled into the crust of the planet, albeit at a much slower rate than her initial descent. Still, the impact was forceful enough to tear the ground and send her clattering painful around in the small vessel. Just when she thought she wouldn’t be able to take this physical assault any longer, her temple made contact with her window, and she was plunged into darkness.
---
Sunlight. It streamed through her smashed window and fell upon her cheeks, strong and warm. Rey lifted a shaky hand to her head, and when she withdrew it, she wasn’t at all surprised to see the red that glistened on her fingers. She glanced around wearily, the details of her crash-landing slowly coming back to her.
She looked down, finding her leg was trapped under the crushed metal of her vessel. With a half-yell she tore her appendage out from under the wreckage, rolling out from under the ship and collapsing in the dirt.
Her head swiveled around, taking in her surroundings for the first time. She knew this planet was uninhabited; most of the worlds on the outermost rim were. Trees of greens and oranges and yellows decorated the land, their leaves ranging from plump and shapely to thin and stringy. If she craned her neck far enough east, she could see a blue lake, and she made a mental note to venture over at some point to gauge whether the water was safe to drink.
After several moments she tried to rise to her feet, but with a cry of pain she realized the leg that had been pinned was hopelessly shattered. Any weight she put on it sent a white-hot, coursing pain throughout her entire nervous system. Looking around desperately, Rey spotted her bag, lying several feet from the X-wing, and her chest lurched. She dragged herself over to her belongings, searching through the sack and finding, with intense relief, there was little damage to the Jedi texts. Her fingers traced over the copper binding of the book that held the entries, and she sent a silent thank you to the Stars above for sparing her this one thing.
She didn’t have to check her ship to know the control panel was completely busted. She tried to control her breathing as she realized she would have no way to contact her friends and let them know she was here.
Unless…
Rey craned her neck around the ship, nearly collapsing completely in her shock as she recognized the TIE silencer, about a hundred feet away from her. It was in worse shape than her X-wing, if that were even possible. One of the wings was completely shredded, the other missing from the craft altogether. The cockpit was utterly caved in, and a sick feeling turned in her stomach at the sight.
She couldn’t see through to the inside, as the windows were tinted black. It was then that Rey made another attempt to stand, crying out in agony as her injured leg touched the ground. Sweat poured down her neck now, as she sluggishly limped closer to the craft. Her vision became blurry from the effort, but she clenched her teeth and kept going. If there was any chance she could send a transmission from the silencer, then it was worth this physical torture.
Despite her reluctance, Rey temporarily dropped her bag, knowing the added weight would slow her down further. She was so close…
But then the pain in her leg became too great, and her vision shifted horizontally as she fell heavily. The reverberations of her descent sent tremendous shocks down her leg, but she only had the strength to groan this time.
She succumbed to the dark once more.
---
The first thing she recognized was his hair. Normally it was so glossy and well kept, but it stuck out in matted chunks, the drying blood causing it to meld together in sticky strands. As awareness began to settle over her, the pain came rushing back, and the constant bobbing of her body was almost too much to bear.
That’s when she recognized he was carrying her.
Her struggle was instant. She flailed against him, but his arms only tightened around her, making her leg burn horribly.
“Stop,” he growled through clenched teeth, and she did, only because the throbbing was starting to make her vision spotty.
“Where are you taking me?” she demanded.
“Would you have preferred I left you to die?” His tone became bitter here, and Rey knew he was thinking of how she had left him in the throne room the previous month.
“I can take care of myself.”
He snorted, keeping his eyes straight ahead. He hadn’t bothered to look at her once during their exchange.
Her eyes trailed down his body, noting his clothing was torn and ragged in a few places. Most of his injuries, however, seemed to be concealed. As her eyes continued to scan him, they eventually came to land on his waist.
There it was, his saber, fully intact.
It was a garish weapon, crackling with unstable energy, which was why it suited its wielder. Even so, she stared greedily at it, her fingers itching to take it from him. It had felt like forever since she had held a saber. The pieces of her own broken weapon were in her bag, waiting to be repaired.
Her bag.
“Wait!” she cried, her outburst causing Kylo to tense his arms, and another wave of pain battered against her. “We have to go back. I left something-”
“Everything’s been destroyed,” he replied, rather irately. “You made sure of that when you doomed us both.”
“No, my bag, we need to go back for it!” She was becoming desperate now. Not only was her broken saber inside, but the texts were there as well. They were her last ties to Luke, to the Jedi.
She pounded against his chest, harder this time, not caring that every thrash made her want to scream in agony. Somewhere in the back of her mind she recognized how bizarre this situation was, her body churning against his so violently, when before the only contact they had ever had was when their fingers had touched.
“Don’t make me hurt you,” he snarled, but it was with less conviction than usual. Rey could tell by his labored breathing and staggering movements he was growing tired. This might be her only chance for escape.
She reached for his saber.
Her fingers had barely brushed the hilt when she felt his arms leave her, and her body plummeted. She tensed, knowing she wouldn’t have the time to prepare for the immense agony that was bound to overtake her from the fall, but instead of landing in dirt, her body became submerged in shallow water, and she broke the surface gasping and coughing.
He had dropped her in the lake.
She angled her body so her top half lay along the shore. She wheezed as she glared up at him, completely drenched.
His eyes were black, and his breathing was ignited with rage. That, mixed with the combination of his injuries made him look absolutely terrifying, and Rey hated how even now, she could be afraid of him.
Instead of cursing her or drawing his weapon to cut her down, however, he turned abruptly on his heel and marched back up the hill in the direction of their crafts.
Rey clawed her way up the sands of the lake, her body heaving with the effort. So he had left her. Good riddance.
When she was fully out of the water, she turned onto her back and closed her eyes, gasping. For one fearful moment she wondered if he was contacting the First Order, but then she remembered how warped the silencer had been. Certainly if he had the capability to send a transmission, he would have notified them even before she had awakened.
Rey propped herself up on her elbows and stared down at her leg. On the outside it appeared structurally fine, as long as one ignored the lacerations and ugly bruising. She knew there had to be something broken if she could barely stand without screaming. She leaned back and closed her eyes again with a tired grunt.
She should have been angrier at Kylo for leaving her here. She should have cursed his name and hated him to her core.
If she were being honest though, she was just tired of it all. It was true, she no longer felt any sympathy or compassion for him, but she also no longer felt the hatred for him that had once blackened her heart. Yet, despite it all, she wasn’t numb to him. She wanted him to be nothing to her, but he wasn’t.
Just as she wasn’t to him.
Her brow furrowed as she recalled the sensation of him trying to reconnect their bond during the battle. She’d rather have collided into the crust of this planet at full force than bridge her mind with his again.
Maybe this was a good thing, that they were trapped here together. Sure, her desire to be with her friends coursed through her entire being, but she had stranded the Supreme Leader of the First Order. If nothing else, the Order would be in a panic after losing two of its leaders in the past month. Maybe the chaotic nature of the situation would rupture her enemies, giving the Resistance a chance to regroup and fight back. She had to believe that, or else this was all for nothing.
She opened her eyes when she heard his footsteps. She had barely the chance to turn her head when a weight dropped beside her, spraying some sand onto her stomach.
It was her bag.
Rey reached for it at once, holding the satchel close to her chest. She wanted to withdraw her saber and her Jedi text with the mystifying entries. Had it really only been this morning since she had last read his words? Despite her urge to check her items, she refrained from removing the contents of her bag, knowing Kylo’s eyes were burning into her back.
She swallowed, staring out across the lake. He had gone back for her bag. No, she definitely couldn’t hate him anymore, even after everything. She wanted to, it would have made things simpler, but she couldn’t. She didn’t think she ever, truly would again.
“Thank you,” she murmured, clutching the bag tighter.
He was silent.