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You fold his hands and smooth his tie, you gently lift his chin.
Ivy stood by the casket, eyes trailing the limp form of the boy she’d known, the boy she’d loved. She could feel her stomach lurch at the pale tone to his usually tanned skin, at the way his arms were folded stiffly across his chest. Her gaze fell to his closed eyes, only a reminder of the blue she’d never see again. And there was this life growing within her, this last piece of Jason. The guilt of even considering abortion weighed heavy over her every motion, but she’d have to decide soon. Her hand reached out, placing a rose upon his chest. She saw the way his head was tilting downwards, as if supported by his chest rather than the pillow below his head. Ivy hesitated, allowing herself one last goodbye as she lifted his chin, the skin cold under her fingertips. He looked more like Jason that way, with his head held high and his shoulders back no matter how small or afraid he felt. It was all she could do to see him as the boy she’d known in life one last time. She turned away, taking several steps away from the open casket and collapsing into Tanya’s open arms, tears shaking her body.
Were you really so blind and unkind to him?
Matt’s heart was heavy in his chest as he stared downward. He never cried in front of people, he hadn’t in so long. Besides, the guilt and loss made it nearly impossible to breathe as he stood silently. It was overwhelming how much this hurt, when he’d never been close to Jason at all. But things were beginning to come into focus. Jason was a good guy, God, he was so good. People adored him because it was in his nature to be likable, but he was never in competition with Matt. He was so effortlessly good in a way Matt was sure he never could ever be. He was so fucking blind . Be it by the jealousy or the teachings that the church had drilled into him, his misguided hatred had cost Jason his life. He’d outed him, he’d ruined him, brought him into the state of mind that had pushed him over the edge. He’d caused this. There’d been so many times that Matt had wished, prayed, to be more like Jason, to have what he had. To have the perfect girl, the perfect grades, the popularity. Now Jason was gone, completely lifeless, but Matt found himself realizing that he’d never wanted to switch places so badly. Anything for Jason to be alive, smiling that wide smile that all the girls swooned over. Anything to make Matt see clearly without such a cost.
Can't help the itch to touch, to kiss, to hold him once again
Peter couldn’t do this. He couldn’t see past the tears that flooded his eyes, couldn’t feel past the way his world was spinning away from him. He swallowed heavily, trying to ignore the suffocating feeling falling over him. Tears fell down his already wet and reddened cheeks, his eyes visibly swollen. He hadn’t eaten in days, had barely slept. The bags under his eyes had become a permanent feature on his face, and there wasn’t a night that he didn’t wake up screaming. Jason, his Jason, was gone. Never again would he look into those vivid blue eyes, never again would he see his favorite color in the entire world. He’d never get to see a smile on those perfect lips, the kind that was reserved for just Peter. It’s not fair, Jason. Not fair that you get to leave. Peter wanted to be mad, God, it would be easier if he was. But he couldn’t. Not when it was Jason lying in that coffin, not when he’d be buried underground, never to be seen again. Peter put a hand over his mouth to muffle any audible cries. This wasn’t how it was supposed to end. Jason had promised him forever, promised they were meant to be together. No one else had ever seen the Jason that Peter had seen, and now no one ever would. Peter didn’t know how to move ahead, how to stop loving Jason. He wasn’t sure he ever could. But the boy he loved was merely skin and bones now, not Jason, not anymore. The lively soul that aligned so perfectly with Peter’s was gone, and was never coming back. He didn’t want to live in a world like that, but he would. He’d have to. Even when the days crawled by, even when every minute that he stood alone felt like days. Because he owed it to Jason, to be happy. To live.
Now to close his eyes, never open them
Those eyes. Everyone had seen different things within those eyes, and sometimes they spoke things Jason never quite said. Ivy saw herself in them, saw another lost soul who was searching for someone to cling to. She saw someone who she could really love and who may love her in return. Jason’s parents saw potential, though they ignored the pain behind his gaze, mindlessly overlooking the feeling beneath the exterior of their golden boy. Matt saw a competitor, someone who got everything, regardless of if he deserved it. He saw someone who stole the things he wanted, the valedictorian spot, the lead. Matt saw someone undeserving of all the adoration he gained. Nadia saw her brother, the untouchable, perfect son. She’d seen the boy who her parents loved more than they loved her, the irritatingly good person that was all too widely loved. Nadia had known there was more to him, known there was something she couldn’t see. She’d always assumed they’d talk someday, that she’d learn his secrets. But Peter was the only one who saw Jason. He saw the boy behind the act, and when he looked into his eyes all he could think was that Jason saw him too. Peter knew about his pain, knew about his desires and his fears. They’d spent countless nights in bed holding each other close, eyes locked as they spoke of everything and nothing. Jason was his world, and those eyes weren’t a mirror. They were a window into the boy he adored. But they were closed now, and it didn’t matter who’d seen what or who thought they knew him. They’d never be open again.
A shadow passed, a shadow passed.
Yearning, yearning for the fool.
It called a home.
All things he never did are left behind
All the things his mama wished he'd bear in mind
And all his dad had hoped he'd know.
It was hard to say if Mr. and Mrs. McConnell grieved the loss of their son, or the loss of the persona he’d hidden behind. They knew the truth, and yet continued to spew lies. He had no hidden sexuality, there was no relationship between he and Peter. It infuriated those close to Jason, but there was nothing to be done, and no one had the energy to argue that day. Nadia would likely snap, scream at them what they already knew. Jason was in love with a boy. Jason had made so many mistakes. They cared about appearances, but this was their boy, their Jason. He would never grow old, never marry. He’d never go on to live a life. And, no matter how cold hearted, no parent can handle outliving their child.
The talks you never had, the Saturdays you never spent. All the grown-up places, he never went.
Nadia couldn’t handle this, not her brother. He’d been the only one keeping her sane, keeping her anchored to reality, and he was gone. Gone. He’d been her savior when their parents were too hard on her, he’d always been there for her. But she was only now realizing that she’d never returned that favor and never could. He’d always been so hidden, never speaking of the things that really mattered, but Nadia knew that prying did no good, and she never had tried. Maybe if she had things would be different. Maybe if she could have let Jason lean on her, let him trust her, he’d be standing here today. But he wasn’t. She hated that he’d left her with no one, that the only way she’d ever know all that he had been was through Peter, but he’d barely interacted with her since that night at the hospital. After Jason had collapsed. There’d been no way to save him, even though he was rushed to the hospital almost immediately. Nadia and Peter had relied on each other that night, holding each other too tight for much too long. Praying that somehow they could ignore the ache of missing Jason. But they couldn’t that night, and Nadia still couldn’t. Her brother, the boy who had it all, was gone. Nothing but worm food. Cold, dead, gone.
And all of the crying you wouldn't understand. You just let him cry, make a man out of him.
Be a man, be strong. Don’t show weakness. Boys don’t cry. His father had been hard on him, made him feel like he could never be anything other than perfect. He had to be strong, had to hide what bothered him from everyone, often even from himself. If he’d just push it away for another day, another week, another year, it may go away forever. Maybe someday, if he fought for it, he could be normal. His father had taught him that, taught him that he had to be confident and impossibly flawless to succeed. He’d never been able to understand Jason’s pain, his fear, because he never asked. He’d never wanted to see, because appearances were what mattered. And because of that mindset, Jason had never been able to breathe, never been able to live. There was always a weight on him, a voice in his head saying he was sinning, he was wrong, he was damned. Every time he found himself wanting to cry, his father’s words fell into mind like a mantra. Boys don’t cry. He couldn’t let anyone see him upset, couldn’t stray away from perfection. Don’t show weakness. Be a man, be strong. But Jason couldn’t be strong, not when everything had fallen apart.
All things he ever lived are left behind
All the fears that ever flickered through his mind
All the sadness that he'd come to own
A shadow past, a shadow past
Yearning, yearning
For the fool it called a home
And it whistles through the ghosts still left behind
His spirit was everywhere, in the halls, in his old dorm room. It was in everyone who’d known him. Saint Cecilia’s felt empty, a cold, dark blanket of doubt smothering those he’d known. Graduation wasn’t a joyous event, and Matt hated being valedictorian. It should have been Jason. But Jason had left everything unresolved, he’d escaped his pain by succumbing to it. He couldn’t forgive himself for his sins, and so Peter prayed. He prayed that God would forgive Jason, that he could be in a better place that was free of fear and hurt. Jason had left everything behind, and it wasn’t his responsibility now, to bear the sadness he’d known. Maybe, at last, he could be free.