Chapter Text
Moans.
Indisputably male moans.
Coming from his and Changkyun’s room.
Minhyuk didn’t really know what the next logical step here was, should he just pretend it never happened and go for a walk or something? At the same time, he was kinda curious to see who Changkyun would have brought home with him, he didn’t know he was even seeing anyone. He knew the younger thought he would be home alone for at least a few hours, he couldn’t possibly know that Minhyuk’s plans with Jeonghan had fallen through, causing Minhyuk to return earlier than expected.
Curiosity killed the cat, he thought to himself and backed away. Another moan, louder this time, pierced through the silence and Minhyuk stopped in his tracks. But satisfaction brought it back. He put his hand on the handle, pressing it down as slowly as he could, inch by inch.
When Minhyuk looked through the thin crack, Changkyun thankfully had his back towards him but the jerking movements of his arm made it obvious what he was up to. The video displayed on Changkyun’s laptop facing the door also helped clear up what was going on and Minhyuk wanted to slap himself for not figuring it out before opening the door.
As yet another moan came from the laptop, Minhyuk made his silent retreat and promptly left the dorm, deciding that going for a walk might not be such a bad idea after all. He let out a small chuckle and a passing woman gave him a weird look. It was becoming a bad habit of his, walking in on the members taking care of themselves. Of course, it happened every now and then, it was inevitable with seven guys living together. And every time there would be merciless teasing from the other members as a way of coping with the trauma. Changkyun would not be an exception to the rule, Minhyuk just hadn’t found it within him to interrupt the younger in the middle of the act. He would bring it up later though, just because he could.
~~~
When they had all gathered for dinner and were sharing their stories from the day, Minhyuk cleared his throat and absolutely no one reacted. He sighed and called out instead.
“Hey, wanna know what I did today?”
Most of the others shrugged, focused on their food, but Minhyuk wasn’t too bothered by their luke warm reactions.
“You hung out with Jeonghan?” Hyunwoo said, trying to muster up some interest despite his hunger.
“Nope, he had to cancel so I got back early”, Minhyuk looked at Changkyun, who choked on his food when their eyes met.
Kihyun slapped Changkyun’s back but the younger was busy staring at Minhyuk, subtly shaking his head at the older.
Minhyuk, however, turned a blind eye to his pleading. He made a dramatic retelling of him catching Changkyun and the others laughed, immediately ganging up on the maknae. Changkyun’s face resembled a tomato and he looked like he was debating whether it was worth leaving his food behind in favor of running away.
“Just because no one’s ever caught you”, he muttered in Minhyuk’s direction when everyone had quieted down.
“That’s right”, Jooheon perked up. “What’s your secret hyung?”
It was like all the air had been sucked out of the room, which didn’t matter all that much because Minhyuk had forgotten how to breathe anyway. After an excruciatingly long second where Minhyuk grew aware of how all eyes were on him, he mustered up a grin and looked around the table.
“Well, just good timing I guess”, he shrugged, praying they would let it go. The others seemed to think that he just didn’t want to share his tactics but they moved on to other subjects when he refused to elaborate.
It was true, the only one who hadn’t been caught in the act by anyone was Minhyuk himself. Contrary to his members beliefs, it wasn’t because he had some secret strategy. He simply didn’t pleasure himself in that way, or in any way really. It had long been something that he’d struggled to understand, why he wouldn’t ever get aroused or feel any sort of sexual attraction. He had many times wanted to look it up, surely someone out of the billions of people on the internet had faced the same problem before. But every time he’d tried formulating some sort of question on google, he’d chickened out. He didn’t want to confirm that there was something wrong with him.
Minhyuk was the sunshine of the group, their eternal symbol of positivity. Moping around didn’t suit him, so he’d tried accepting the way he was even without fully understanding it. However, he didn’t want to tell anyone so they could confirm what he already knew, that he was somehow faulty. He knew that he could trust his members, just look at how well they’d handled everything else during this past year. Their level of acceptance of each other was something Minhyuk took great pride in and it was what truly made their group a family.
He admired all of them for being so brave and sharing their innermost secrets and fears, but he couldn’t do the same. His problem was different, it wasn’t something they would understand even though he knew they would try. So instead, he decided to spare them the headache and just keep it to himself, even if it made him feel like a hypocrite for having encouraged the others to open up while he remained closed.
~~~
The members seemed to have made a game of “who can catch Minhyuk wanking” since they realized that he was the only who hadn’t been exposed. Whenever Minhyuk was in his room by himself, at least one member would not so secretly creak the door open, peak in, swear to themselves, and leave. It happened at least once a day and Minhyuk was getting sick and tired of it. He started hanging out in the living room instead so he wouldn’t have to deal with the constant feeling of being watched.
Needless to say, that didn’t help. While there were no careful openings of doors, one or two of the members would pass by the living room shooting him inconspicuous looks.
After two days of dealing with this new type of surveillance, Minhyuk stood up and screamed at the closest member, who happened to be Changkyun.
“Even if I would jerk off I wouldn’t do it right out in the open where anyone could walk by, now would I?” Not bothering to wait for a reply, Minhyuk gathered his things and stormed out the door, heading for somewhere he would be left alone for a while.
When he’d calmed down guilt settled in the pit of his stomach, he hadn’t meant to yell at the maknae. Now that he thought about it, Changkyun hadn’t even been looking his way, he was just an innocent bypasser. Minhyuk sighed, he would apologize when he returned home. For now, he just wanted some peace and quiet. He slipped into one of the smaller recording booths at Starship, one that he knew probably wouldn’t be used for a while. He sat down in one of the chairs and unlocked his phone. He opened their group chat and wrote “I’ll have dinner outside before I come back tonight, don’t wait up”. He knew the others would probably worry, especially at the lack of emoticons, but he didn’t care at the moment. He desperately needed some space and he obviously wouldn’t get it back at the dorm.
Minhyuk put away his phone and relaxed into the chair, perhaps a nap was what he needed right now. He closed his eyes and folded his arms. Yeah, a nap would be nice.
~~~
There was a banging sound followed by a “shit” and Minhyuk sat upright in the chair, trying to figure out where he was and what had happened. His eyes soon fell on Jooheon, who sat on the floor by the door cradling his head in his hands.
“What are you doing?” Minhyuk mumbled and rubbed his eyes to wake himself up completely.
Jooheon gave him a sheepish smile and stood up before sitting down in the other chair next to Minhyuk. “I was trying to leave but then I kinda tripped over some cords and hit my head on the door.”
If Minhyuk wasn’t still half-asleep he would probably be laughing his ass off but as it were, he just stared at Jooheon as if he was an idiot.
“Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you”, Jooheon rubbed his neck. “I was just checking up on you.”
Minhyuk just hummed, the younger had probably been sent by one of the others to see if he was alright, no doubt worrying that he might still be angry. Minhyuk didn’t think he was anymore, it had simply been added to the perpetual state of annoyance he was in these days.
“I’ll let you go back to sleep or whatever you were gonna do”, Jooheon stood up and took a step towards the door but Minhyuk’s hand shot out to stop him, pulling him back into the chair. “Or not?” Jooheon questioned.
Minhyuk didn’t know what possessed him to do it but something inside him said now or never and he looked up at Jooheon.
“Have you ever had sex?” Okay, that was not what Minhyuk had expected to say. Something to that effect sure, but he’d intended to phrase it more vaguely.
Evidently, it was not what Jooheon had expected either, seeing how he was choking on his own spit followed by coughing. Minhyuk waited patiently for him to compose himself while thumping his back.
“A simple yes or no will do”, he said when Jooheon seemed to have regained his breath.
“Um, kinda, or no-, well not really, just sorta halfway.” He was blushing furiously and Minhyuk felt a little bad for asking. Nevertheless, he pressed on.
“Halfway?”
“You know, just with hands and… mouths”, he whispered the last word as if it was some great secret. Minhyuk nodded and thought it over.
“But you would wanna go all the way if you could?”
Jooheon’s eyes looked like they were gonna leave their sockets but Minhyuk just raised an eyebrow.
“I don’t really get why you wanna know, but yes. I mean, which guy wouldn’t?” Jooheon grinned at Minhyuk, who just nodded again.
“Right, well I was just curious, you can go now”, Minhyuk turned away from Jooheon, trying to hold himself together.
“That’s it?” Jooheon frowned, feeling like there was something here that he was missing.
“Yup, now go home for dinner, I’ll come a little later.”
Jooheon stood up hesitantly, moving towards the door but turned back to look at Minhyuk before opening it. “Are you okay, hyung?”
“Yeah, just peachy”, Minhyuk said, a bit more sharply than intended. “I just need some time to myself and then I’ll be back to” pretending to be “normal.” He waved dismissively at Jooheon, eyes stubbornly staring at the empty desk in front of him.
“If you say so”, Jooheon knew something was wrong but he understood that now was not the time for prying and after telling Minhyuk not to be too long, he left.
As soon as the door closed shut, Minhyuk slid off the chair and collapsed in a heap on the floor, violently sobbing. He hugged his knees to his chest, trying to make himself as small as possible, most of all wanting to just disappear for a while. It was both terrifying and cruelly satisfying, having your deepest fears finally confirmed. In the middle of his crying, Minhyuk let out an empty laugh, he was so unbelievably stupid. God, what was he even expecting when he tried talking to Jooheon, a normal guy who of course wanted sex. How could Minhyuk have thought that he would be able to bring up his fears to someone who obviously wouldn’t be able to relate. And he knew that it wasn’t Jooheon’s fault, he only had himself to blame for his fucked up brain and body.
Wiping furiously at the tears covering his cheeks, Minhyuk tried to stand but the world spun too much so he practically fell onto the chair. He sighed and for just a second, his inner turmoil stopped as his mind grew blank. Unfortunately, it didn’t last for very long and his head was filled with vicious thoughts.
What was he supposed to do now, just live with the fact that he would never be a complete human being or try to change, which he already knew was impossible. There had been a time when Minhyuk was in his teens and his friends had just found out about the holy grail, also known as porn. Minhyuk had been invited along with a few others to watch this amazing “adult stuff” at a friend’s house. While the others had shown interest or even arousal, Minhyuk had only felt disgust. He had told the others that he had to go home early for dinner and left in a hurry. He hadn’t understood how they could endure watching those videos and enjoy it, but he also couldn’t pinpoint what he found so revolting about it. There was just something that was so off-putting about the scenes he’d seen and he knew for certain that he would never put himself in a situation like that.
As he grew older, he more and more became aware that it was him who was the abnormal one in the equation. His friends would talk about sex and he would make something up whenever the conversation turned his way, too embarrassed to share his real thoughts on the subject. He also avoided relationships as he understood that it was synonymous with sex. And somewhere along the way, it became something he actively avoided thinking about at all.
Until it had been brought up by Changkyun at that dinner when things started going downhill. The members constantly watching him, waiting for him to reveal himself as one of them, a normal guy jerking off. It had brought everything back, every single negative thought he’d ever had about sex and himself and it had honestly just been a matter of time before he would give in and the dam would break.
He patted his cheeks with his sleeves, having finally stopped crying. His head hurt and his nose was stuffed but in the midst of his raging emotions, there was a tiny bit of relief. At least, he wouldn’t have to wonder anymore. He could just acknowledge that there was one part of him that would forever be different from the others and leave it at that. Surely he could stand the members attention until they got bored and found something else to obsess over, it shouldn’t take too long.
He tried standing up again, a bit steadier on his feet this time, and dragged himself over to the door. He was done with all this, from tomorrow on he would return to being the sunshine of the group and put all his focus on that. There, problem solved.
~~~
It had gotten late when Minhyuk stumbled into the dorm. After leaving the recording booth, he’d washed his face in a nearby bathroom and then left the company to get dinner somewhere. He’d found a small restaurant that was mostly empty and sat down in a corner. Along with some food, he ordered in a bottle of soju, which inevitably turned into several bottles of soju. When the kind, worried restaurant owner had asked him if he was alright, Minhyuk knew it was time to leave and he assured the old man that he lived nearby and would get home safely.
“Shit”, he hissed when he tripped over a pair of boots and stubbed his toe on the shoe rack. He took of his jacket and dropped it unceremoniously, the thud as it hit the floor reminded Minhyuk that he had his phone in one of its pockets and he winced. Silently praying that the screen hadn’t been broken, he bent down to pick it up. He froze halfway as the sound of footsteps grew closer and he saw a pair of legs in the corner of his eye and looked up.
Hoseok gave him an unimpressed frown with his arms folded as he leaned against the wall and Minhyuk visibly gulped.
“Sorry, I tried to be quiet”, he gave the other a smile but it wilted when Hoseok didn’t react.
“You made an awful lot of noise for me to believe that, but I don’t think you woke anyone so I’ll let it slide. Besides, I was waiting for you.”
Minhyuk stared at the other, a million thoughts running through his drunken mind. The most prominent being did I do something wrong? Hoseok moved forward and put an arm around his back, (“What did you do, bathe in booze?”), guiding him to Hoseok’s room. It was empty, Minhyuk assumed Hyungwon slept in his own room tonight. They both sat down on the bed and Hoseok arranged them to sit facing each other, which made Minhyuk suspect that whatever he wanted to talk about was serious.
“I just wanted to-”
“I’m sorry”, Minhyuk blurted out before Hoseok could get any further and the older looked surprised.
“Why are you sorry?”
Minhyuk looked down and fiddled with the hem of his shirt. “For whatever it is you’re about to say I’ve done wrong.” Warm hands cupped his face, forcing him to look up.
“You’re not in trouble Minhyuk”, Hoseok assured with a smile. “We just heard from Jooheon that there seemed to be something going on with you and I wanted to ask if there was anything I could do to help.”
Oh, so Minhyuk wasn’t in trouble for something he’d done. No, this was so much worse.
“There’s nothing going on, I was just stuck on something but it’s all good now, I solved it.” Remember that you’re supposed to be the sunshine, the one the other’s can rely on not to be problematic. Your role is to be happy and cheer the others up, you cannot be weak and you certainly cannot be sad.
“Minhyuk”, the sound of his name pulled him from his inward spiral of toxic thoughts.
“What?”
“I said that it’s okay if there is anything you want to talk about, you’ve been there for all of us and I want to be there for you if there’s anything bothering you.
Minhyuk mulled it over and he realized that this must have been how Changkyun had felt before coming out to him. Keeping secrets was hard and he really wanted to tell someone. He told himself that he could trust Hoseok with this, the older was one of the most open-minded people Minhyuk knew. And so he recounted his conversation with Jooheon and Hoseok didn’t say anything, he just listened. Minhyuk could tell he was confused by the time he was done and he mentally prepared himself for the questions.
“I don’t really get it, were you trying to get into Jooheon’s pants or come out or something else?”
Minhyuk’s eyes widened comically and he shook his head vehemently.
“I do not like Jooheon that way, like at all. Besides the fact that he is straight, he’s also not my type.”
Hoseok nodded and seemed to think it over. “But other guys might be your type?”
“Kinda, gender isn’t really a deal-breaker for me”, Minhyuk started, finding it easy to share at least that. “It’s more about the fact that everyone always wants to-” He cut himself off and Hoseok carefully placed a hand on his knee.
“I won’t judge you Minhyuk, whatever it is.”
Minhyuk felt like he’d been waiting to hear those words forever, the ones that showed him the possibility of acceptance. He’d thought he was done crying but the universe apparently decided to be a bitch and prove him wrong as tears welled up in his eyes. Hoseok, channeling his inner carebear persona, cooed and brought the younger close to him in a comforting embrace.
Minhyuk knew that he got tears and snot all over Hoseok’s shirt but he felt too warm and safe to move away. Hoseok stroked his hair and whispered in his ear that everything would be okay and Minhyuk wanted to believe him.
“How is it that you always find the exact right words?” Hoseok just shrugged in response and Minhyuk smiled through the tears.
When his crying had mostly stopped, he reluctantly pulled away and stood up. Hoseok looked like he wanted to protest but Minhyuk told him he was just going to wash his face and then come right back.
For the second time that day, Minhyuk cleansed his face from tears and after patting it dry with a soft towel, he looked into the mirror. He nodded firmly at himself, whispering “Hwaiting” and left the bathroom. When he entered Hoseok’s room again, the other had laid down on the bed, fully clothed on top of the sheets and when he saw Minhyuk he patted the empty spot beside him. Minhyuk joined him, laying on his side facing Hoseok. The older placed his hand om Minhyuk’s arm.
“Everyone has sex, right?” He could tell he’d caught Hoseok off guard while he waited for the older to confirm it.
Except he didn’t.
“Well, not everyone”, Hoseok said slowly. “Some don’t want to go all the way and there are those who are simply sex-repulsed.”
“Yeah, but then there’s something wrong with them, like biology-wise”, Minhyuk mumbled.
“There’s nothing wrong with them”, Hoseok said angrily and removed his hand from Minhyuk’s arm, which instantly felt colder.
“There is”, Minhyuk persisted. “It’s not normal not wanting sex, it’s literally what keeps humanity going. There must be something missing in my brain and no one would ever be willing to see past that if they knew. I mean I’m already fully prepared never to have a relationship or anything.”
Hoseok felt all anger dissipate from him as he took in Minhyuk’s words and carefully met the other’s wet eyes.
“Minhyuk, do you not want sex?”
The younger just nodded and thanked whatever deity there was that he didn’t start crying again. Hoseok smiled then and inched closer to the younger, stroking his cheek.
“It’s alright, you’re perfectly normal and you’re not alone. If you don’t wanna take my word for it, I have friends who are like you and would be more than happy to help you sort it out. It sounds to me like you’re somewhere on the asexual spectrum but you don’t need a label if you don’t want it.”
Minhyuk took it all in, trying to organize the jumbled mess in his mind. Asexual.There was an actual term for what he was? That would mean that it was a lot more common that he’d thought. Hoseok continued caressing his cheek and Minhyuk couldn’t stop the corners of his mouth from turning upwards.
“Thank you, for listening and everything. Um, can I think about it? Talking to your friends, I mean.”
“Absolutely, and only if you want, you’re not obligated to do anything.”
“Except maybe tell the others, especially if Jooheon got them all worried about me.” Minhyuk sighed and felt a sudden wave of fatigue rush over him. The emotional rollercoaster in addition to the alcohol made it hard to keep his eyes open.
“Maybe, but no one’s forcing you there either”, Hoseok chuckled at the younger’s futile attempt to stay awake. “This is your life and only you get to decide how you want to live it.”
“See, there it is again”, Minhyuk mumbled half-asleep. “The right damn words, it never fails.”
Hoseok laughed and pulled Minhyuk closer to him.
“Just sleep, we’ll talk more in the morning.”