Chapter Text
It starts on a Tuesday, with tacos and fireworks.
The tacos were planned, the fireworks were not, and some might consider it a date. Neil considered it a date, at least. Maybe he only did so because he didn’t know what normal people considered dates, as he and Andrew were sitting on the curb outside of a boarded up gas station. But Andrew had bought them dinner and they had held hands in the car and from their hilly back road perch they could see someone setting off fireworks in their backyard. That all added up to a date in his mind.
Neil picked vaguely at the tortilla of his cold taco and watched Andrew flash with blues and reds and pinks. The dramatic changes showed just how shiny his hair was and Neil very badly wanted to reach out and feel it between his fingers. He might have, if he didn’t have sour cream on his fingers. He considered doing it anyway but his train of thought was interrupted by Andrew.
“You’re doing it again,” he said without looking at Neil and ripped off a piece of his taco to eat.
“Staring?” Neil guessed.
“Not eating.” Andrew punctuated his observation with another bite. Neil looked down at the squashed taco in his hands and then back up to see Andrew looking at him.
“I’m just not hungry sometimes,” he shrugged. It wasn’t an unusual thing. He thought maybe it was a side effect of the life he used to lead. Food wasn’t always easy to come by so when they had some it was eaten no matter what. Even if it was spoiled. Even, especially, if they were about to leave. If they couldn’t carry it and they didn’t know when their next meal would come, his mother would make them eat every last crumb. Don’t waste the effort. Don’t waste the calories. You’re too skinny Abram .
Neil hated eating when he wasn’t hungry and he said so to Andrew, only to get an impassive look. “You haven’t eaten since breakfast- you should be hungry enough to eat by now.” Andrew wiped his hand on Neil’s pants and then lifted it to his forehead for a beat. He pulled it back with a very small frown so Neil leaned forward and took a bite of the taco in Andrew’s hand. The surprise of the movement was enough to derail the conversation.
“You have your own,” Andrew said, poorly attempting to look miffed about it (or perhaps Neil just knew him better now). Neil chewed more than necessary and forced himself to swallow.
“You’re better at folding the tortillas, makes ‘em taste better.”
“They’re exactly the same,” Andrew argued.
“Mm-mm. Everyone knows how you fold or cut something affects the taste by up to 57%. Tacos, sandwiches, pizza, bagels…” Neil listed. He was only slightly joking.
“Bagels,” Andrew deadpanned. “Why are bagels on that list. There’s only one way to cut them.”
“Maybe if you’re a coward,” Neil said. He snatched Andrew’s half eaten taco away even though he wasn’t actually hungry. Andrew had been right, he should be hungry and in the morning he would probably feel terrible if he didn’t have anything now. So he over chewed, forced it down, and grinned.
Andrew rolled his eyes and pulled out the last taco. After refolding it in his precise manner, he messily ripped it in two, and shoved one half in Neil’s face.
“Hurry up. I’m tired and we have to pack.” Andrew got up and started around the deserted gas station to the Maserati.
Neil hurried as best he could and grabbed the bag on his way to the car.
The night was cool for July and an invigorating breeze rushed through the car as they zipped back to the Columbia house. Neil watched how it sent Andrew’s hair whipping about. It would be tangled and fluffy by the end of the drive and Neil knew that Andrew would take a long time to brush it out in the bathroom without anyone seeing. Neil wondered if his own hair would be that soft if he brushed with that much care, but every time he even thought about trying to detangle one of his odd curls his scalp would hurt. So instead he lived vicariously through Andrew.
At the house, the others were already in bed. At least, Kevin was asleep on the couch with the lights off and Nicky and Aaron were shut up in their rooms. Andrew loudly kicked off his boots at the door of the hall closet and turned on every light he passed on his way upstairs. Kevin didn’t react. Neil locked the door and turned all of the lights back off on his way up to their room.
He found Andrew dropping random articles of clothing in a PSU duffel bag without checking what they were or folding them properly. That was one way to go about it, but Neil had roughed it through too many weekends of Andrew’s passive packing and refused to be stuck away from home with only a pair of leggings and loose t-shirt again (though, given Andrew’s reaction, maybe that one outfit hadn’t been an accident). He rifled through a few drawers and grabbed an extra pair of jeans.
“Where are your grey keds?” Andrew asked from the closet. Neil raise one eyebrow at his back at the request.
“On the shoe rack downstairs. Because I’m civilized. Why?”
“Blue shorts.”
Ah. The blue shorts. Neil very much did not hurry at all even one little bit to grab the sneakers from downstairs. Shorts were something new for Andrew. Nicky had bought him a dark navy pair in the spring that didn’t go well with clunky boots and also looked- they were-
Well, let’s just say the first (and only) time Neil had seen them he hadn’t been able to think much past the concept of legs .
Andrew gave him a look when he came back. He knew. Of course he knew. Neil was far more open about things he liked and occasionally Andrew’s apathetic behaviors just so happened to accidentally coincide with them. He grabbed the sneakers and tossed them next to the duffel with their phones and wallets. Tomorrow was going to be a good day.
They got ready for bed together and around each other, taking turns in the bathroom brushing hair and teeth, sharing kisses just this side of too minty. Neil pulled the sheet up over them and tucked his toes into Andrew’s ankles. Tomorrow was going to be a good day, just like every day had been a good day.
Tomorrow was not a good day.
Neil hadn’t even opened his eyes before he knew that he didn’t feel right. Instantly, his instincts kicked in over the panic and he took stock of where he was and what he was feeling. Bed with Andrew, there was an even breath warming the back of his neck and their ankles were tangled. Columbia, they had been kicked out of Palmetto by Wymack who was forcing them to take a two week break from being on the court. A fever was coming on, every hair follicle on his body was sensitive and he felt hot and freezing at the same time.
He leaned back into Andrew so as to wake him gently, stretching his legs to flex his hips and immediately curling back in on himself. Behind him, Andrew shifted and drew his arm over Neil’s waist, hand coming up to press flat over his sternum.
“ ‘m sick,” Neil croaked out, surprised at the amount of effort it took. His throat didn’t hurt and his nose wasn’t clogged but he felt exhausted after having just had a great night sleep. The hand between his ribs came up to flap haphazardly against his forehead and then dropped to rest on his chest.
“You’re warm,” Andrew said into his neck. “Stomach?”
Neil made his best facsimile of a sound he hoped meant I don’t know because that wasn’t something he could figure out just yet. He hadn’t moved and he couldn’t smell any food so his stomach was safe for now. He leaned back into Andrew further, an attempt to be affectionate and steal warmth all at once. The thought of getting out of bed was agonizing and the thought of Andrew getting out of bed was almost as bad.
“I can hear you being dramatic. Go back to sleep,” Andrew said. It didn’t take long for his breathing to even back out so Neil focused on that until he, too, fell back under.
When he awoke again, he didn't feel any better. He felt weak and emotionally vulnerable and Andrew had somehow escaped the bed without alerting him which said enough about how he was doing mentally. With great effort, he hauled himself up to sit on the bed. For a moment, he stayed perfectly still, gauging how his body reacted to the change. His head spun only a little and his stomach turned but it wasn't unbearable so he pushed up to stand. The room was warm but his body felt cold to the core so he wrapped the blanket around his shoulders before shuffling down to the living room.
Kevin was only just waking up on the couch so it couldn't be too late in the morning. The others sounded like they were in the kitchen so Neil meandered that way in search of… of something. He wouldn't admit to himself that he was looking for sympathy or affection and he didn't have to. He was sick. His motivations didn't matter.
"...can't she come anyway? I thought we were past all that by now," Nicky was saying.
"Deal or no deal," Andrew said.
Aaron responded almost immediately with, " Deal ," and stomped out of the kitchen. He paused when he saw Neil, eyes critically looking him up and down. Neil didn't have the energy to be offended by the sneer he got.
"You look like shit, go back to bed," he said and went to the living room before Neil could snarl at him about his bedside manner.
The comment had Andrew coming to the kitchen entrance to give Neil a disapproving look.
"Why are you up?" He demanded.
Neil took a step forward so he could slump face first into Andrew's shoulder. "You were gone," he said. It wasn't eloquent, wasn't as subtle or teasing as they usually were together, but it was direct and honest and better than the groan he would have let out otherwise.
Andrew wrapped one arm around Neil's waist with a sigh and held out his other hand. "Nicky."
"Got'cha," Nicky said, and put a saucer in Andrew's hand with what looked like a cup of tea and plain buttered toast. Andrew guided them both back upstairs and deposited Neil back into bed.
"I was going to come back up, junkie," he said, sitting on the edge of the bed and putting the mug between Neil's waiting hands. It was almost too hot but the warmth was welcome. He didn't take a sip.
"I'm impatient," he reasoned. Neither of them acknowledged that the [ infrequent ] affectionate insult compared Neil's intense feelings about Exy to Andrew. It wasn't inaccurate, though it had been a long time since Exy came first. With a sigh, he let his head drop back to his throne of pillows and looked up at Andrew. "I have to stay home." Andrew nodded his head and began to run his fingertips in patterns over Neil's scalp. "I was really looking forward to a night away."
"We'll go when you're well again."
"You'll still go see Betsy, yea?" Andrew nodded. "Can you have her tell Elias that I'll miss my appointment?" A nod. "Will you still go to dinner at Abby's?" A nod. "Will you still wear the blue shorts?" Andrew gave him a look. Neil grinned.
"I'll get a break from your disease and an edible meal but I'll be back tonight. You will rest and do what Aaron tells you to."
His grin fell. "You shouldn't be allowed to punish someone who’s sick."
"He's spent every free minute volunteering at the clinic to look good for medical school and you become useless when you have a fever. You're going to eat, drink, and take what he tells you to and you're not going to whine about it."
Neil pursed his lips against a smile. On the tip of his tongue was teasing comment about how worried Andrew was but he knew it wouldn't be appreciated. Instead, he said, "Does this mean I'm useful all the rest of the time?"
The fingers on his scalp scratched pleasantly and then Andrew began to gently detangle a curl over his forehead. When it was a smooth, loose wave he brushed it to the side and let his thumb stroke over his temple and down his jaw. He looked Neil in the eye and said, "No," because he was a bastard and knew it would make Neil smile.
Neil didn’t drink his tea or eat his toast, just held the mug up to his face and smelled the herbs and bergamot. It was his favorite brand, and while the smell didn’t make his stomach turn, the idea of swallowing anything made his abs shiver.
When the mug cooled and the toast went soggy, Andrew put it all above the headboard on the nightstand so that Neil could sink lower into the pillows. After tucking the sheets tight around Neil’s body, he left to shower. Neil fought his body’s urge to sleep- he wanted to stay awake until Andrew left for his appointment. He wanted to stay aware of everything happening to him.
And maybe he did doze, or maybe he simply couldn’t keep track of time in this state, because one second he was fighting with the sheets and the next Andrew was back and dragging him into the bathroom to take his own shower. He wasn’t so sick that he couldn’t curse out the water pressure on his over-sensitive skin or the temperature that was always too hot and too cold no matter how many times he adjusted it. He couldn’t lie, though, being clean and in new pajamas did make him feel a little bit better.
They relaxed together for a little while, Andrew reading a book held with one hand as the other methodically detangled Neil’s wet hair as he lay in bed. Neil mourned the time away from Columbia and the privacy they were supposed to find that night. They had both missed their therapy appointments last week and were going to go today before dinner at Abby’s and a night at a local motel. It wasn’t much, but it was alone time and Neil was sure he could weasel the door code out of Wymack and convince Andrew to go to the court with him for a few hours. He hadn’t played Exy in ten days which was the longest he’d gone since Baltimore and it sucked . He and Kevin would do what they could in the backyard but it wasn’t enough. Vacations were terrible .
And, well, he had really been looking forward to that motel room… and the shorts . Sigh, the shorts.
“Did you just say the word sigh?” Andrew asked. Neil, curled on his side with his face pressed to Andrew’s hip, wriggled in his nest to squint up at him. The squint was more to focus his sight than to glare as moving made his vision swim just a little.
“So what if I did?” he challenged. Andrew squeezed at the hair in his hands and walked on his knees to the foot of the bed to get up.
“So you need to take medicine. And you can’t do that without eating-”
“Why not ?” Neil interrupted petulantly.
“Because that always makes you nauseous,” Andrew said and left the room. He came back with a plate of small bites, baby carrots and blueberries and fresh toast cut into strips, and a glass of water. Neil looked longingly at the blueberries, almost craving the fresh brightness of them on his tongue but… but…
He started with a few tentative sips of water. The wrinkle between Andrew’s eyebrows eased. Neil hadn’t even noticed that it was there. He took another sip and squished a blueberry between his tongue and the roof of his mouth. He felt okay and then he didn’t.
“Yes or no for a goodbye kiss. Right now .”
Andrew raised a brow and sat next to him on the edge of the bed.
“I’m not leaving for another thirty minutes.”
“Yea, but I’m gonna go throw up in the next thirty seconds and we’re definitely not going to kiss after that.”
Andrew huffed something that was almost amused. He drew his hands through Neil’s hair, dry after the shower but damp at the roots from sweat. He stroked his rough fingers down his chin, thumb drawing once over his bottom lip before he covered Neil’s entire mouth with his hand and kissed the back of his own knuckles. Then his cheek. Then he dodged out of the way as Neil ran to the bathroom to relieve his stomach.
He lost himself to the movement, focused solely on the function and getting it over with. His body was in complete control and kept wringing and clenching far after there was nothing left, far after a pain began to grow in his abs.
He collapsed to the ground, on the cold tile and damp bath mat, body boiling hot and covered in a sheen of sweat. His nose was running in the worst way. When he caught his breath enough to push away from the toilet, he found his glass of water and a tissue box waiting on the sink counter. He didn’t dare swallow again but used them both to help himself feel more human.
Sitting up was one thing but standing was something else all together. The pain in his stomach was still there, a pulled muscle from over exertion. Neil blew his nose and then breathed in slowly, slowly, and out through pursed lips. He counted to keep them even, both for the pain and the slight tremor of panic at the inkling of helplessness. In a minute or so, he was able to talk himself into the present. There was not one reason he had to struggle through this on his own. He wasn’t alone. He hadn’t been alone for a long time.
“Andrew?” He beckoned carefully, not wanting to put so much pressure on his diaphragm. Andrew came in so quickly at the quiet call that he must have been right outside the door. The wrinkle between his eyebrows was back and deeper. Neil reached for him with one hand and held his middle with the other.
“Don’t look like that. I think it’s just a pulled muscle. Help me back to bed?”
Andrew came in and had Neil put both of their arms together, wrist to elbow, so he could pull Neil up in a controlled motion. When he got Neil settled back onto the bed, he wandered about collecting water and tissues and a trash bin to set up around the nightstand. He only came to sit down when he had a damp face cloth that he used to pat at Neil’s forehead and cheeks. The coolness felt good on his fiery skin even as his insides shivered.
“I’m calling Bee and staying here,” he said when he put the cloth aside. Neil wagged his finger because shaking his head was too much effort.
“No. You already missed last week and you’ve been antsy and bored for days. I’m just going to sleep all day and get my germs all over the place. I even got Abby to make your favorite dinner. Surprise .” He shook his hands in a lazy flourish.
Andrew frowned, adjusting Neil’s pillow and moving the water glass all of half an inch. His gruff fussing gave away his worry which would have been sweet if Neil didn’t feel slightly guilty. Going away for the night had been Andrew’s idea after all, and how often did he plan things like that? “You said it yourself about Aaron. I’ll be in good hands.”
“You’re becoming delusional,” Andrew accused. And yea, Neil felt slightly out of his mind but Andrew really had been bored. He needed a break from the empty monotony of summer and the same walls and the same four people. Even if he did it without Neil. “I’ll see Bee and come back,” he compromised.
“But if you don’t go to dinner, you can’t get the court code from Wymack.”
A raised brow. “Who said anything about going to the court.”
“Andrew, my body is going into Exy withdrawal. I’m not going to make it to the end of Wymack’s forced vacation. I need the codes.”
“You’re not playing Exy until you’re no longer sick.”
“The court has my antibodies, I just need to get there.”
“You expect me to drive an hour to Palmetto, an hour back, and another hour back to Palmetto just so you can vomit on the court floor.”
Neil made a face to convey how ridiculous Andrew sounded. “ ‘T’s- it’s basic maths Andrew. Biology. Don’t have time to explain because you need to go. Goodnight.” To drive the point home, Neil rolled over and fell face first into the indent Andrew left behind from reading earlier. Andrew stayed seated on the edge of the bed for a few more minutes after letting out a sigh of pure exasperation, hand going through Neil’s hair and rubbing down his back. When he left, it took him several more minutes before Neil heard the front door slam. It was for the best, he needed it.
Neil kicked himself for realizing ten minutes too late that Andrew had been wearing the shorts.
And then he kicked himself for staying in this position too long when it was hurting his stomach. Rolling was more of an effort when he wasn’t being dramatic to downplay his symptoms. Laying on his left side wasn’t any better and neither was his back. Laying on his stomach was out of the question. Pain was something he was used to, something he could deal with. But it wasn’t something he could sleep through, which was all he wanted to do now that Andrew was gone.
At some point, he pushed himself up to sit. That seemed to help the pain but not the sleeping. And without sleeping he was bored . He tried reading Andrew’s book but he couldn’t get his eyes to focus. It was all very annoying and boring and inconvenient and there was nobody around to bother.
Neil grabbed his phone from the nightstand and did his best to text Nicky to ask him to help carry his plate and water and blankets down to the living room. He didn’t plan on eating or drinking any of it, but they were a good excuse to have someone walk with him down the stairs. Not that he couldn’t walk, because he could, but he could admit that he might be too woozy to go down a staircase on his own.
The response was a quick Don’t text and drive! Which was very difficult for his brain to parse in its current state. He pressed call and leaned his entire head on the phone, elbow braced on his knee.
“Andrew Minyard I know you are not using your phone while driving ,” Nicky shouted into the line. Neil could hear his voice from downstairs as well.
“Come and help me,” he said.
“ Neil? Why do you have Andrew’s phone? Why are you calling at all? You’re right upstairs. ”
“Then come upstairs and help.” He hung up. Nicky’s thundering up the stairs was like a cavalry call that prepared Neil to brace himself before Nicky barrelled into the room. Aaron was hot on his heels with a wrinkle between his brows that made Neil smirk.
“I have a plate,” he said helpfully. He needed them to carry it downstairs for him. He was too busy using all of his mental faculties to have this conversation and prepare for the trek. God, his eyeballs were so hot, why were they so hot ? They felt like soup.
On the television was a show with bouncy music and people baking cakes. Neil smooshed his face into the couch cushion and mourned its loss when he pushed himself up to relieve the pressure on his stomach pain. There was a wet face cloth creating a damp spot on the seat and he picked it up to dab at his face. It wasn’t cool enough for his eyeballs but it still felt nice. In a fit of dehydrated desperation, he held it briefly to his mouth and let a few drops wet his dry palate and lips.
His eyes drifted up to see Aaron standing in front of him, hands paused in a text and an incredulous look on his face. Neil lowered the cloth.
“Thanks for the couch,” he said, because he couldn’t quite remember getting to the living room but he knew Aaron had been there.
“Not that you were any help,” Aaron griped. He finished his text and shoved his phone in his back pocket. “Where and how bad is your stomach pain?”
Neil gestured vaguely at the center of his abdomen. “ ‘Ts’enough to be annoying but bearable if I’m sitting up.”
“When did it start?”
“When I threw up. Think I pulled a muscle.”
Aaron shook his head very slightly, as if only to himself. “I don’t think so but I’m not too worried right now. Let me know immediately if it changes in any way. Any way. Kevin is picking up stuff for you on his way back from Excites so rest until then.”
“Why are you being so nice ?" Neil asked. Or, tried to ask. He was a little slow and ended up asking Aaron’s retreating back. He wondered what part Andrew had in Aaron playing doctor. Surely he wouldn’t do it without incentive and Andrew wouldn’t have gone to his appointment otherwise.
More importantly, how dare the fuck Kevin go to Excites without him?
Time was a funny little thing. Neil distracted himself from the gnawing stomach ache by switching between watching the baking show and thinking about what he would say to Kevin when he returned. Occasionally, he would be distracted by his hot eyeballs or the rabid need to bundle up and immediately push the blanket away. Sometimes he dabbed around his face and mouth with the damp cloth and longed for a glass of cold water or hot tea that he could keep down. A sandwich would do wonders, too, when sometimes he felt like his blood sugar was misbehaving. The idea of repeating that morning was enough to kill any of those desires.
Kevin came back when the bakers were making something french. He was laden with green Excites bags and several from Kroger. He stared at Neil as he kicked off his shoes next to the shoe rack which made Neil’s irritation flare and he glared at Kevin’s wary face.
“I have soup balls ,” he said angrily. Kevin startled and nearly dropped his bags. To Neil, he looked chastised. Good.
“What?”
“Soup balls, Kevin. I need… I need peas .”
“Peas?”
“Cold peas.”
Kevin’s eyes dropped to Neil’s lap and then came back up. His mouth opened and closed dumbly a few times. Neil jabbed a threatening finger to get his point across and was satisfied when the striker hurried away into the kitchen. He returned with an unopened bag of frozen peas that Neil put straight on his face. Yes. Good.
“Oh. Did he tell you about his soup balls?” Aaron’s voice said from the stairs.
“Yeah. What the fuck?” Kevin responded.
“That’s why I sent you to the store. Did you get everything?”
“It’s all in the kitchen.”
Neil heard Aaron walk away and gestured blindly for Kevin to come closer.
“ Excites ,” he accused.
“You were going to go to the court!”
“But I didn’t , Kev in. So tha’s- that’s not fair .”
“You couldn't come anyway! You can barely function!”
“You’re mean , Kevin. You’re a bully .”
“I got you new court shoes.”
“Tha’s- be side the point.”
“Are you two done?”
“He started it.”
Neil didn’t have to see to know what looks Kevin and Aaron were probably making at each other.
“Hey sweety.”
When did Nicky come in the room? Neil put the bag of peas on the coffee table (maybe the floor next to it. Close enough) and found that not only was Nicky in the room, he was sitting next to him on the couch. He also saw that Kevin had changed the channel.
“I was watching that,” he said.
“You were snoring,” Kevin countered. Huh. He didn’t remember falling asleep. The peas were still mostly cold so it couldn’t have been for that long.
Nicky brushed Neil’s hair away from his forehead and smoothed his hand over his crown in a few soothing sweeps.
“How are you feeling?” Nicky asked.
“Underproved,” Neil said. He wasn’t really sure what it meant but he’d heard it on the baking show and it sounded how he felt. Nicky nodded with an understanding expression.
“Aaron wants me to take your temp before he has you try to eat some soup. Think you can handle it?”
Could he handle it. Pah. He’d been tortured. He’d fled across continents for years . He lived with Kevin . Neil opened his mouth and closed it tight as soon as the thermometer was under his tongue. Could he handle it. Uh, yeah, Nicky. He could fucking handle some pointy glass stabbing his mouth and clanking against his teeth.
“Neil, please stop chewing on the thermometer for like- ten seconds. Please .”
“Huck yo’.”
“ Oh my god .”
“It’s probably good, Nicky. What’s it read?” Aaron said as he came in, wiping his hands on a dish towel. Nicky slid the thermometer from between Neil’s clenching teeth with a distasteful scrunch of his nose. He went cross-eyed trying to see the numbers.
“101 pooooint six? Eight?” He said, looking up to his cousin. Aaron rolled his eyes.
“Jesus fuck, Josten, you’re acting like you have a 104 temp. Andrew wasn’t exaggerating about how useless you are with a fever.”
“ You’re useless,” Neil spat. He wasn’t sure what, exactly, the numbers meant or what they should be but he did know how awful he felt. His brain was jumbled and he yo-yoed violently between hot and cold but his body felt too weak to keep readjusting the blanket. And his stomach hurt no matter how he was sitting anymore. There were no life threatening situations pumping him with adrenaline and no reason to push himself further than he already was.
Andrew would be proud of the change in mindset. Or smug, as he’d been the one to bribe Neil into therapy. Growth, or something.
“Why do we have to have soup . It’s way too hot for that,” Kevin was complaining from the recliner. Neil stared longingly at that chair.
“You can have an opinion when you cook anything. Ever,” Aaron shot back.
That was the chair Neil had slept in the night Andrew gave him the key.
“You were already in the kitchen,” Kevin said.
Andrew had said “ You’re staying here ,” and pressed the key into his hand and then Neil had gone to bed in that recliner.
“I’m not going to make two meals just because you’re useless in the kitchen. Ask Nicky if you don’t want soup.”
Andrew. Neil wished he’d been selfish and asked him to stay. Even though he knew it was for the best.
“He makes food too spicy and all you did was heat a can of Campbell’s. That’s hardly cooking .”
Andrew had given him a key and a home and a good, good life.
“It’s more than you can cook-”
“ Keys ,” Neil said wistfully. Three pairs of eyes swiveled to look at him. “I… have them,” he explained. Obviously.
“Nicky, are you sure you read that right?” Aaron asked.
“Give me some credit. I got you two through the flu of junior year and feverish teenage Minyards are way more volatile than this loon.”
“That’s a bird,” Neil pointed out. It made Nicky laugh which was good because he was funny. Matt said he was funny.
“Am I allowed to find this hilarious? Even a little? It’s like he’s a drunk baby,” Nicky cooed, patting down one of Neil’s errant curls. Neil frowned at him. He meant to say something about the drinking age, and he did say something to make Nicky laugh, but he wasn’t too sure what it was.
“This is fucking ridiculous,” Aaron grumbled as he stomped toward the kitchen. He came back with a bowl of soup and left again as soon as Neil took it. Unlike his tea that morning, the heat was too hot and made Neil sweat more. He hated it. He didn’t want to eat it. He didn’t want to get sick again. His stomach hurt he didn’t want this.
“Hey, uh, Neil?” Nicky said tentatively. Neil looked at him as an excuse not to eat. “All joking aside, do you need help eating that?” He made the offer quietly so that Kevin couldn’t overhear. Neil could appreciate the sentiment, even in his state.
“I can’t do it. I don’t want to eat anything, it hurts too much,” Neil whispered. The expectations were striking something almost like fear in him, adrenaline clearing his mind just so. Nicky put one arm on the back of the couch around Neil’s shoulders and continued petting his hair.
“I know, hon, but you need to take some ibuprofen to help your fever and you always feel sick if you take it without food.”
Andrew had said the exact same thing, implied that he knew Neil literally inside and out. Being known , his mind tried to whisper but his focus couldn’t stray from the problem in his hands.
“Sick no matter what,” he said. It was a catch-22 if he was going to do what Aaron said. Eat to take the meds, don’t eat to take them. It all had the same outcome. Neil felt his breath begin to quicken and shallow, just slightly. The memory of being wrung out like a towel and the pain it caused were revolting. He didn’t want to he couldn’t .
“I don’t feel good,” he said urgently.
“I know,” Nicky lamented. No he didn’t know. With shaking hands, Neil tried to put his bowl on the coffee table. If it weren’t for Kevin, it would have fallen to the floor.
“I don’t feel good ,” he said again. His stomach hurt and he couldn’t stop shaking and his vision was swimming. Something was wrong . Why couldn’t they see that?
“At least he’s not trying to pull of that I’m fine crap,” Kevin groused.
“ No ,” Neil choked out, throat tightening in his mounting panic even as his mouth was watering dangerously. “I don’t feel good, I don’t feel good .”
“Alright, okay.” Nicky slid down to crouch in front of Neil. He put two hands on either side of his face, brushing his under eyes with his thumbs. “Hey, uh, Kevin? Something’s not right.”
“Obviously. He’s been like this since I got home.”
“No, it’s more than that. Aaron? ” Nicky called toward the kitchen. “Can you come look at Neil again?”
“It’s been five minutes, let me finish,” Aaron called back.
“ Now ,” Nicky yelled. Neil didn’t like the yelling. He didn’t know why there was yelling and he didn’t know why his hands wouldn’t stop shaking.
A frustrated sound came from the kitchen. “ Fine . Let me wash off this gross fucking meat…” He came in a blink later. Maybe it was a long blink. God he was so tired .
In the next blink, Aaron’s body had replaced Nicky’s. He had his fingers pressed to Neil’s wrist and was staring at his watch.
“Your pulse is too fast,” he said, moving to feel the squishy bit below the sides of Neil’s jaw and then around his eyes. “Has the pain in your stomach changed?”
“Same, just bad,” Neil said. Talking was getting harder, the same with focusing his vision. He felt like he’d gone cross-eyed for too long. He felt like he’d had Cracker Dust.
“What else are you feeling?”
“Bad.”
“Be specific, dumbass,” Aaron snapped. Neil jerked away from his face and immediately had to brace himself with a hand on Aaron’s shoulder. Every last inch of him wanted to snark back, to push him away for being a dick, but something deep and nagging said hold on . He squeezed.
“Weakness. Can’t focus. Shaky. Nau-n- hng throw upy. Nerves.” It didn’t seem like enough, like it conveyed that all-encompassing wrongness , but getting the words out was becoming more and more difficult as his breathing became more and more shallow. He tried to count, to slow himself down, but he couldn’t get past four. A sound escaped him without permission.
“When was the last time you kept down any food or water?”
“A taco… ‘n breakfast yes’er- yesterday.”
“Aaron what’s happening ? What do we do ?” Nicky asked in a panic. Neil watched from his periphery, not wanting or having the energy to move his eyes.
“Call Andrew and tell him we’re going to take Neil to the walk in clinic.”
“Right. Okay.” He pulled out his phone and dialed. Even Neil knew it was bad when the phone to ring was the one on the coffee table. “Shit, fuck. I forgot . Let me call Neil’s phone.” He tried again and cursed almost immediately. “It’s off.”
“ Fuck . Why the fuck does Andrew have your useless phone, Josten? You never charge that shit!”
Another noise came out of Neil that he didn’t consciously make. He didn’t know what was causing him to be so disproportionately emotional- the fever or not reaching Andrew or that face so close and expressive and angry at him . His shallow breaths began to shake as badly as his hands.
“I don’t- we were packing- they’re the same - maybe- I don’t know .”
“Alright. Aaron you need to calm down,” Nicky said. He was using his parent voice and Aaron shot him a dirty look. “He’s obviously distressed-”
“He’s obviously an idiot . Andrew and I have a deal - you know how he is about that shit.”
Nicky’s thread-thin attempt at control snapped. “Oh, I swear to God , if you’re more worried about Katelyn right now then it’s not Andrew’s permission that you’re going to have to worry about.”
“Give me some credit,” Aaron mimicked Nicky’s earlier expression. He sounded embarrassed and cornered and Neil didn’t understand but he also didn’t think the reaction had to do with the accusation, more so the truth, whatever it may be.
“Enough,” Kevin finally butted in. Neil had almost forgotten he was there. “We need a game plan for Neil right now, not whatever bullshit drama you have going on.”
“Right, yea, Neil, okay.” Nicky made for the door, then the kitchen, then stopped. “What do we do? What do you need?” This was directed at Aaron. Neil vaguely wondered how much more karma he had to atone for that Aaron was calling the shots on his health.
And what Aaron was motivated by when he actually stepped up to the role.
“Nicky, you go start the car and get the a.c. going. Kevin, go write a note for Andrew if we can’t get ahold of him and he beats us home.”
“It’s my car ,” Kevin argued, but Nicky was already flying into action, shoving his feet into flip flops and grabbing the keys on his way out the door.
“You don’t know the route and you’re stronger than Nicky. I’m going to need your help getting Neil to the car in a minute.”
“Can walk,” Neil argued. Aaron gave him a dry look.
“Shut up, idiot. Kevin, go .” As soon as Kevin left to find a pen and paper, Aaron’s face became more neutral, almost even pleasant, like he was no longer self conscious of acting like a medical professional. Neil wished he had the energy to poke fun at his performance anxiety.
“Will you lie down?” he asked. Asked . Neil let himself list to the side and onto his back and groaned at the added pressure to his stomach. “I want to lift your shirt and do a preliminary exam while we wait for them to be ready.”
It almost sounded like he was about to follow up with a yes or no for permission but he just waited with that neutral expression. When Neil took too long to respond, mind sloshing around the anxieties and reluctances of what it meant, Aaron sighed. “Nobody is here to see your shit and I don’t give a fuck what you look like. Let me do this now so I can have something to tell the doctor or they’re going to just go in doing the same shit blindly. It can actually be helpful.”
Neil made an affirmative sound. Laying down was so much worse he could barely think past the pain anymore. He was no help at all as Aaron shoved and pulled his shirt up to his armpits. To his credit, he barely paused at the scars and didn’t comment.
His hands were cool and dry as they began pressing and dragging over his abdomen. Neil stared at his face hard, desperately trying to pretend it was Andrew and breath through it. Aaron’s eyes were glued to the fabric of the couch, far off as he focused on whatever he was doing. At one point, he pressed near Neil’s belly button and looked at his face when he released. Neil didn’t know what he was looking for but he almost looked disappointed when he found nothing.
“Have you had gas?” he asked in his neutral doctor voice. Neil shook his head. Aaron’s hands began to press closer to his ribs and he felt his body begin to tense involuntarily. Whatever sound that he made had Aaron’s hands pausing before continuing on lighter and with more purpose. Neil focused on the wrinkle between his eyebrows and tried to breathe slowly. At a particularly specific press , his body bowed and he cursed loudly. So did Aaron.
“Alright. Okay. Fuck, shit. Raise your right leg and then your left.” Neil did so with some difficulty. It was almost worse to put them back down, he wanted to curl up with them close to his body. Aaron put his forearm across Neil’s knees and told him to do it again.
“ Fuck you ,” he shouted at the pain it caused.
“ Fuck you ,” Aaron yelled back. He took a deep breath, tugged Neil’s shirt back down, and ran both of his hands through his hair. He didn’t say sorry because he was a Minyard but he did compose himself a step further than he had before like overcompensating would take back his reaction.
“Fun?” Neil asked because riling Aaron up was a distraction but forming a whole sentence was difficult. What he meant to say was Did you learn anything or do you just enjoy torturing me? His point got across if the flicker in Aaron’s facade was anything to go by but he held strong.
“Can you sit up on your own?” He asked too evenly instead of giving an answer. Neil closed his eyes and was able to get his elbows under him before the entire couch began to tilt. He paused and held his breath until it stopped and tried again. “Is it the pain or do you feel faint?” Aaron asked. He used an arm around Neil’s shoulders to push him up slowly.
“Both,” he said and opened his eyes. Through some clearing black spots he could see Kevin sitting on the arm of the chair with his back turned respectfully. He got up when Aaron gave him the all clear and came to squat at Neil’s side.
It was very uncomfortable for everyone involved- Neil with his pain, Kevin carrying him like a bride, and Aaron directing the circus into the back of the clown car. Nicky chewed on his nails as he watched them through the rear view mirror. Neil was strapped into the middle seat with the lap belt between the two and leaned forward, hands on the back of the driver’s seat and eyes pressed into his knuckles. He felt like he already had car sickness before they got to the end of the street.
“No, take a right,” Aaron directed. “Go to the ER.”
“ What ? I thought we were just going to the walk-in, why are we going to the hospital? What’s going on?”
“Just go Nicky,” Aaron snapped.
“What’s wrong with him?”
“ I don’t know! ” Aaron yelled. Neil shrank back away from the anger, shoulder bumping into Kevin. The yelling, the anger, the stomach pain, the driving. He didn’t want to be here. He didn’t want to be in a car. This was how it always happened, every time he relived that day in his dreams.
A wound you couldn’t see. Dying in a car on a highway. Shouting. He didn’t want that. He didn’t want to die. He needed to get out of the car. He needed to see Andrew. He needed to stop the bleeding. He needed to stop the car, pull over, she’s not breathing, mom, mom wake up!
“Neil, Neil, it’s okay , you’re going to be okay! Kevin, help me , I’m driving .”
“Wh- I don’t-” A large hand cupped Neil’s cheek and jaw. Neil let the gentle tug pull him sideways to lean against Kevin’s chest. He patted Neil’s shoulder awkwardly as if to say there there . The ridiculousness of it helped more than the action itself. Kevin and his Kevin-ness, who cared for his friends somewhere deep down and never learned to show it. Not that any of them were much better, but Kevin’s brand of platonic ineptitude was unique.
“I swear to god, tell me why we have to go to the hospital instead of the walk-in or I’m going to have my own panic attack,” Nicky lamented. Aaron gave a frustrated sigh.
“I don’t know . We just do ,” he said.
“Aaron, you’re smart . Stop second guessing yourself. You said this morning that you thought it was food poisoning or his appendix or something.
“It’s not- I don’t think it’s his appendix anymore. Maybe his gallbladder or pancreas?”
“Is that serious? Is it worse? Are those organs we can live without?”
“It’s serious when he gets this bad this fast. He wasn’t sick at all yesterday.”
“He hadn’t eaten, though. Is that a cause? A symptom?”
“A symptom, I’d say. It’s just… it’s just so fast . I mean, one day?”
“He hasn’t been eating right for weeks .”
“Months,” Kevin interjected. The vibrations from his chest startled Neil, who was struggling to stay tuned in to the conversation. “Remember Christmas at Abby’s? That’s when I noticed it. He said he just didn’t really feel like eating some days- something about how it was before?”
“I’m surrounded by fucking idiots ,” Aaron snarled. “If he wasn’t like that his first year it has nothing to do with before ,” he said with disdain. “So what you’re telling me is that this could have been happening for seven months. No wonder he’s out of his fucking mind! His pancreas is probably fucking digesting itself!”
“ Oh my god ,” Nicky moaned. “Has anybody tried calling Andrew again? Maybe he’s realized his phone is dead and plugged it in- he’s got that car charger.”
“He hasn’t realized,” Aaron said as he pulled out his phone to try anyway. “He’s not going to figure it out unless he needs to text or call first. And how many times has he done that ?” He put his phone up to his ear for all of ten seconds before slamming it down onto his thigh with a curse.
Neil turned his face into Kevin’s shoulder and let out a shaky sigh.
He sort of remembered arriving at the hospital. He remembered stumbling out of the car and his vision going black around the edges. He remembered being in a wheelchair in the waiting room. He remembered Not-Andrew coming with him to a room and helping him to put on a gown and sit in a bed that had cold sheets and side bars like a crib.
Neil ran his hands along the softly textured plastic until it was gently grabbed by a woman with curly brown hair and a smile. He jumped and snatched his hand to his chest.
“You need to broadcast your intentions with him. He’s flighty and stubborn and doesn’t like strangers,” Not-Andrew said. Neil lolled his head to look at him and remembered that they didn’t get along.
“Fuck you midget,” he slurred. The nurse made a surprised face but otherwise didn’t react.
“He’ll do that, too, volatile imbecile.”
“Well. Let’s try this again,” said the nurse. She stood in Neil’s line of sight so he couldn’t see Aaron anymore. “Mr. Josten, do you remember where you are and why you’re here?”
“Hos’pal. ‘M digesting myself?” he’s pretty sure that’s what he heard before.
“You are at that hospital, that’s right, and you are very sick. My name is Tammy and I’d like to attach an I.V. to your hand so we can start re-hydrating you and maybe do some pain management. Is that something I can do?”
Neil stared at Tammy for a long minute. She had a kind, patient face like Abby. Andrew was at Abby’s. Andrew told him to do what Aaron said. The word deal echoed in his brain. Had he made a deal to do that? He couldn’t break a deal.
“Aaron?” he called, craning his neck to see around Tammy.
“Let her do it. You’ll feel better,” he said. That didn’t seem likely but he held out his hand in permission anyway. He even let her put a plastic tube on his face because he was feeling pragmatic.
“Yea, you’re a real saint, Josten.”
Neil flipped him off and relaxed into his pillows. He listened to the voices in the room, oddly content to let the world revolve without him. He recognized the voices as Not-Andrew and Not-Abby. They talked a lot but he couldn’t follow their conversation. Somebody touched his stomach again but the pain was more dull than sharp and alarming.
“- Josten ?”
“Hm?” Neil opened his eyes and immediately closed them again against the brightness of the new room. He hadn’t even realized that they had taken him somewhere else. Where was he? How far had they gotten him? How long had it been?
“Relax. It’s barely been twenty minutes. We’re in radiology so you can get a CT scan. They want you to drink a contrast.” Neil waved his hand that had the I.V. attached. “No, you have to drink it so they can see your digestive tract.”
“Throw up,” Neil said.
“Try.” Hmph. Well. Aaron said so and that was the deal. He willed himself awake enough to take the cup from Tammy. Not three sips in he waved for something, anything to empty his stomach into. It was worse than before, curled on his side over the edge of his bed, body seizing and moving on its own. The pain that had started to subside with the I.V. roared back worse than ever.
It was odd, like an out of body experience. When he was done being sick, collapsed with his cheekbone hooked on the corner of the bed, he knew that everything was bad and wrong. He knew that he wanted to curl up in a ball and close his eyes until it was all over. But he was pushed onto his back and prodded and patted with a cloth and he just… let it happen. Aaron said things to him and so did the nurse and he watched their lips as they spoke and heard their words without comprehension.
“-hesitant to give him more…”
“-pupils… stimuli…”
“-blood pressure…”
Neil turned his head and watched Aaron off to the side. He was only speaking when directly addressed, arms crossed self-consciously as he leaned against the wall and out of the way. Neil didn’t know who else was talking. Why weren’t they talking to Aaron? He was… he was smart . Nicky said he was smart Andrew said-
“-awareness… responsive…”
He reached out to point at Aaron. That was good enough.
“-ster Minyard? You seem… history…”
Aaron looked surprised to be asked whatever they had asked. “-just pre-med… Palmetto clinic… volunteering…”
Funny. Neil’s body acted according to the pain but he couldn’t actually feel it anymore. He couldn’t feel much of anything. It was like his emotions had made room in their little cardboard boxes in the attic of his mind and allowed the pain to settle in. Part of him knew that was bad- he wasn’t supposed to do that anymore- but the packing tape was out of his hands. He stared at Aaron, felt nothing, and listened. He breathed. He willed himself to come back.
Aaron chewed on his thumb-nail and then wiped his palms on his jeans awkwardly. “He’s being treated for PTSD. Maybe a… some sort of parasympathetic response to the pain and loss of function? I wouldn’t be surprised if he was prone to dissociative symptoms.”
Neil curled his hand into a thumbs up against his chest. He had no idea what any of those words meant but Tammy reacted to them. She said “You’re only pre-med?” in a way that made Aaron look away and blush. Then she said, “He’s currently being treated? Has he recently experienced anything that could have caused RUQ trauma?”
“It’s… possible but not from what I remember. My brother or his therapist would… would know… Excuse me.”
Neil’s eyes tracked Aaron as he skirted around the edge of the room and out the door. It hadn’t yet closed before he exploded with “ We’re all fucking idiots! ”
And then he was alone with Tammy and someone he couldn’t see and a growing awareness. Whoever the other person was fiddled with the I.V. and adjusted Neil onto his back talking about contrasts and acronyms he didn’t recognize.
“Neil, are you with me?” Tammy asked. Her face was the only thing in his line of sight. He nodded. He breathed. Puzzle pieces of the world came back to make a full picture, the bright whites taking on their natural shadows to make furniture and machines. He counted and breathed and pushed himself to stay present, stay here, stay aware. He couldn’t afford to lose himself to… to whatever that was. He was alone with these strangers.
“Is that a CAT scan?” he asked with a head nudge at the big grey donut thing. He had been in that. It made noise. They made him lie down. Lying down hurt. A voice kept telling him to keep still.
Tammy seemed pleased at his cognizance and flashed a pen light in both of his eyes as she spoke. “Yes, it is. We tried to get some imaging done of your abdomen. Dr. Bransette is setting you up for your EUS now. Do you remember what that is?”
Neil didn’t know what that was or who Bransette was. He didn’t like not knowing. He didn’t like these things happening without him knowing. This was a hospital and all they managed so far was to make him feel even more anxious. He shook his head. They were taking him out of the room and into another that was just as plain and filled with confusing instruments and machines that he didn’t recognize.
Tammy was explaining something about a camera and ultrasound and his pancreas. Neil felt himself have a smidge of pride that Aaron had suspected that but he finally had the wherewithal to tamp down the infernal fever thoughts of approval. Whatever was in the I.V. must have been working. Maybe he was getting better. He said so to Tammy and the other nurse in the room gave a pitying smile.
“Neil,” Tammy said slowly, like he wouldn’t understand. “You came in to the emergency room with acute pancreatitis. You are being treated for the pain and we’re going to use this procedure to figure out the exact cause and create a treatment plan. Nod if you understand.”
Why was she speaking to him like an idiot? Why hadn’t Aaron come back? He was- he was feeling better, he could leave, he was fine. Why were there sticky wires on his chest? He tried to grab his arm away from a person trying to do something to him and watched as his hand flopped uselessly. They did it anyway, clipped something on his finger tip.
“...much sedative?”
“-should be out… tooth guard…”
Sedatives were… sedatives were bad . Anyone could do anything, take you anywhere. Neil tried to sit up but it was futile against the hands rolling him onto his side. He tried to yell but couldn’t past the plastic bit snug against his teeth. There was a man there, older, talking, reaching. Neil grabbed his sleeve to stop him. He could feel his consciousness slipping no matter how hard he tried. It wasn’t blood loss or blood sugar- he knew those intimately. This was something else. This was falling asleep too fast. It wasn’t natural. It was dangerous. It was scary. He didn’t want to die-
He… he was aware. Possibly. He had thoughts and those thoughts circled around his own awareness for some time. There was a hand in his hair. He knew that feeling so, so well. He was aware. It’s going to be alright, baby . Would it, mom? Miss Leon would be so worried when he didn’t go to school. She suspected.
No. That wasn’t right. Miss Leon hadn’t been his teacher for years. Second grade. She had been his favorite. He still thought about her sometime. This must be Kirchberg, the most comfortable bed in Luxembourg, which was good when you get the flu. No that- that wasn’t right either. Mom had been so mad at him for that, like it was his fault. The hand in his hair wasn’t pulling or hitting, it was rubbing. He told the hand that it wasn’t his mother. The hand responded I would hope not .
It was so, so bright. White bright. There was a shadow at the edge of the brightness. He knew that shadow. He wished he could open his eyes and see the face making the shadow but he couldn’t look away from the brightness. He could imagine Andrew so vividly against that bright light, light bright. Was this what his mother saw?
A wound you couldn’t see, a car on the highway, shouting. No. There wasn’t shouting anymore. Just light and a shadow and a face and a pain and a fear that he wasn’t going to see that face again. Who had mom seen? Had she seen Andrew, too? Had she been this scared? Had it hurt this much and this long? Had she been this paralyzed, staring at the light with closed eyes and seeing the most important person in the world? Did everyone see Andrew when they died?