Chapter Text
The first time agent Curt Mega saw the Deadliest Man Alive, he was surprised. The hitman didn't act like how he expecting someone like him really should.
He was spying in the shadows, waiting for the bomb to be delivered for his taking. He could have never assumed that the bomb salesman would be so… hapless. Being late for the meeting with a man quite literally titled the Deadliest Man Alive would make even the stoniest of men nervous, but this guy was a complete wreck. Seeing a dangerous criminal miffed at him, he began to ramble on and on about things that a person with a kill count of 1147 people could never possibly care about. Love, family, weddings, a goddamned bakery? He was late for his meeting with the Deadliest Man Alive because he went to a bakery?!
Curt was expecting one of two things:
Either the man’s death would be swift and cutting -
Or the man’s death to be slow and agonizing.
What he didn’t expect, however, was for there to be no killing at all. Well, at least not of the bomb salesman.
He watched with confusion at the Deadliest Man Alive restrained his servants from attacking the man, he braced himself when the man (Sergio, his name was) asked for the terrorist’s autograph, and was completely bewildered when not only did Sergio live to tell the tale, but that the DMA actually agreed to sign - and did so without complaint.
It was only a matter of time before a bloodbath, but the faux evil bomb salesman was left unscaved. In fact, it was a member of the company that went rogue and killed their working partner. The death of the brief second deadliest man in the world could have almost seemed justified.
The agent had to tear his eyes away from the scene unfolding below him. The Deadliest Man Alive was gloating, sure, that was to be expected; what he didn’t expect was how friendly the killer was acting towards the bomb salesman. The arm over the shoulder, the affable pat and smiles.
Curt knew right away that this was no ordinary sadistic killer. There was something different about him.
Still, he did have 1148 kills under his belt now. He wasn’t someone you wanted to face head on.
“You came here to do this, so do the job.” Curt breathed to himself, about to enter the fray when he noticed another person in the room - a woman.
Who’s that woman? What’s she doing?
He watched helplessly as she descended down a ladder and held the DMA and Sergio at gunpoint.
“Freeze!” She shouted, glaring down the two criminals, “Your hands in the air.”
Sergio panicked while the Deadliest Man Alive merely shot back at her with a quip.
“Shut your mouth.” She said, bringing the gun closer to him.
“I second that motion!” Curt stumbled awkwardly, trying to be involved in what was supposed to be his mission.
The DMA whipped around, eyes trained solely on Curt. His face displayed some amount of shock for only a millisecond before contorting into a grimace.
“You.”
“Do we know each other?” Curt asked, but before the DMA could even manage a scoff, Sergio began excitedly gushing.
His arms deal was being busted by the most famous spy in the world. He just had to get his signature for his nephew!
“That’s enough, Sergio.” The DMA growled, yanking Curt’s gun from his hand and firing into empty space until there were no more bullets left.
“Hey - what?!” Curt protested whilst the woman stole the bomb dealer’s cake, rolled her eyes, and trained her gun on it.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa - please! You don’t gotta do it. Don’t ruin my anniversary. I’m a good guy, I’m a family man. Ay dios mio! Don’t make me go back to the bakery. You don’t gotta do it. Please! Please! Have mercy…” he rambled, falling to his knees and pleading.
The woman tossed the cake back to him, and without another word, took off with the bomb. In the confusion Curt snatched an address that had fallen out of her pocket and pocketed it himself before returning his gaze to the Deadliest Man Alive.
Sergio awkwardly glanced between Curt and the DMA before rambling again, “Look, guy. I need to get back to my wife and -”
“Just go.” The Deadliest Man Alive said. Sergio ran off. The DMA tossed the empty gun back to Curt and waited.
“You’re just going to let her get away with that?!” Curt yelled eventually, still processing what was happening.
“Better than letting you get it.” The DMA spat.
“Wh- huh? What’s your problem with me?”
“You’re agent Curt Mega, aren’t you? Capable, dangerous spy working for the CIA. Come out of retirement after those four years, have you?” The DMA tilted his head, eyeing Curt up and down.
“What… what of it?” Curt asked, suddenly self conscious.
“In the documents we’ve got on you… you don’t have a beard. It’s a bad look on you.”
“I didn’t ask your opinion nor do I care.” Curt crossed his arms.
“No, you don’ care about anyone bu’ yourself.” The DMA rolled his eyes.
Curt furrowed his brow in confusion. Why was this random terrorist making personal assumptions about him? What on earth did he know?
“Okay, weirdo.” Nice comeback Curt.
“I also din’t quite imagine you’d smell like absolute shite.” He went on. Curt rolled his eyes.
“I’m a recovering alcoholic, asshole.”
“You were s’pposed to retrieve that bomb then, yeah? Really cocked that one up.” The DMA continued.
“...Did you spare my life just to insult me a bunch?”
“Maybe.”
Curt blinked. Something was really off about this guy, and he could not for the life of him pin down what made him tick.
“You probably just weren’t cut out to return to the whole spy business. Doe’n suit ya. Like that ugly beard.” Man, this guy just wouldn’t shut up.
“Alright, I’m leaving.” Curt glowered.
“I’ll be seeing you again, I’m sure.” The Deadliest Man Alive nodded, giving Curt a casual yet venomous smile.
The agent began to skulk off when the DMA’s voice called to him one last time.
“Oh, and Mega?”
Curt didn’t turn around.
“Shave that disgusting beard, won’t you?”
“Has the transaction gone according to plan?”
The Deadliest Man Alive practically hissed into the phone, “Eve’ythin’ was goin’ smoothly. Then he had to show up.”
“The Deadliest Man Alive,” Cynthia explained, pointing to the projector.
Curt looked at the profile and couldn’t help but think that the man he spoke to and the Deadliest Man Alive on the screen didn’t really look completely alike.