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Jason wrapped his arms around himself tightly as if to physically stop himself from falling apart. He had been having his every-other-week therapy session with Dinah and Dick when something was said, he wasn't sure what had even been said, but he suddenly felt like he couldn't breathe. His whole body had begun to uncontrollably tremble and he felt like he was seconds from emotionally falling apart. His heart felt like it was beating too fast and too hard in his chest.
"Jason, are you okay?" Dinah addressed him and his head shot up looking at the woman. She was staring at him, he wanted to say something but he couldn't get words to form in his brain. He felt a hand touch his arm and he reeled back reflexively slapping it away.
It was that man touching him, he was sure of it, it was always that man.
He covered his ears with his hands and squeezed his eyes closed hoping if he could hear or see what was going on then maybe it would stop. He wasn't sure if hands were actually on him or if he was imagining it but he could feel hands touching him. His chest felt tight and his heartbeat was beating so heavily that he could feel it in his throat. Too young, he was too young, he had just been ten.
Tears began to fall down his cheeks and he couldn't stop himself from letting out a pathetic whine. He knew he wasn't back there but he still felt like he was. He felt like if he opened his eyes he would see the peeling yellow wallpaper of the crime alley apartments. He felt a pair of hands touch him and he completely lost it. He screamed throwing off whatever hands were on him and he curled into the couch. he was rocking himself and sobbing wishing these feelings would go away. He was wishing he had never started therapy with Dick. If he hadn't started therapy he wouldn't have been working on coping rather than repressing his trama, and he wouldn't be here in this situation now.
"too young" He whispered "too young, too young, too young" It seemed to be the only sentence his brian could form and now that he had started he couldn't stop muttering it out between broken sobs. He had been too young, the very first time he had barely been ten and then every time after that all the way until Bruce had adopted him at 13. He had been too young for that to happen. Too young when that man, their upstairs neighbour, offered him food and his mother drugs. Too young when the man said it was time for Jason to pay him back for both things. Too young when that man decided that the only way Jason could pay him back was with his body. Too young when he had the word NO forcefully removed from his vocabulary.
"Jason" The voice wasn't Dinah's this time. It was a guys voice but not deep and intimidating as His voice had been. This one was softer and gentle. Still, he was so scared, too scared to open his eyes, too scared to even breath wrong for fear that HE would hurt him again. "Please look at me"
'open your eyes and look at me boy'
Jason gasped and let out another pathetic sob and he tried to keep himself together. He was falling and he was falling fast. The lines of memory and reality were beginning to blur and he couldn't quite remember what was happening right this minute versus what had happened eight years ago.
He could smell the mildew that was hidden behind the peeling wallpaper, the broken ac unit smelled like burnt rubber while it hissed in an attempt to run. Jason closed his eyes trying to focus on anything that wasn't the man on top of him. It worked for only a few minutes because that man grabbed his hair yanking his head so he couldn't look away 'I said open your eyes and look at me'. He wanted to fight but he felt like he was paralyzed.
That's what DIck has said, that's what had set this whole thing off. Dick had said when SHE had been on top of him he had felt paralyzed and till this very moment, buried in this very memory Jason hadn't even known that what it was that set him off. Somehow the realization of what it was that had triggered him made everything hurt a little less.
As scared as he was, he forced himself to open his eyes and look around the room. He was on the floor, when had he gotten on the floor? Dick was pinning his arms down to the ground, his arms had blood on them from what looked like scratch marks. Dinah was kneeling in front of him, she was talking but Jason couldn't make out what was being said. He was so confused and in pain. He blinked hard trying to focus his mind back on what was going on. "Dick" he whispers, his voice cracked and he would have been embarrassed with himself if he hadn't been so panicked. "Please let me go" He was trying to keep his voice steady. He was assuming he had started scratching sores onto his arms and that's where the cuts had come from and that's why Dick had his arms pinned. If Dick had grabbed at his wrists to stop him from hurting himself he probably tried to escape and that's how they ended up on the floor.
He pinned Jason's arms against the bed leaning over him and kissing his neck 'if you're a good boy I won't have to tie you up tonight'
He felt like he was going to be sick and he was desperate for Dick to let him go. "Dickie please, please let me go." He hated that he was practically begging "Dinah tell him he can let go, please I'm sorry I'm sorry" the longer this went on the more frantic he was becoming. He needed his arms to be let go or he was going to fall back out of his relatively stable state and into another flashback. Dinah was still crouched down in front of him. She was talking again, Jason tried to pay attention to what she was saying while also trying to subdue the panic building in his chest.
"Jason" he voice was super soft and sweet but for some reason, Jason thought it sounded an awful lot like knives "do you know where you are?"
He knew what she was doing. She was trying to make sure he wasn't having any more flashbacks or panic attacks where he would hurt himself again before she would give Dick the okay to let him go. he had done it many times when helping dick down from a nightmare or a flashback. "DIcks apartment, please let me go" he was crying and tugged at his arms weakly knowing he wasn't stronger than Dick. He wouldn't be able to get free unless he was let go.
"Okay, calm down, just a few more questions." She paused and glanced at Dick who loosened his grip just slightly. It wasn't much but it made Jason feel less trapped. "Do you know what happened?"
"Yeah, kinda, flashback" he was stuttering. "Please let me go, please, I can't, don't hurt me, please don't hurt me, please don't..." He wasn't even sure where these words were coming from but he wasn't meaning to say them. He knew logically that man wasn't here but he couldn't stop himself from talking. He wasn't in control. He felt dizzy and weak and was confused as to what actually was going on. "Don't let him hurt me" all the energy and aggression he had five seconds prior turned straight to sadness and he just hung his head. A sob escaped his throat then another till he was crying, too tired to do anything else.
"Jason nobody here will hurt you, he isn't here, he won't hurt you" Dinah was speaking softly and Jason knew she was right but the thought just wouldn't register in his brain.
"I know" Jason whispered between broken cries "I know, I know I'm sorry."
"No need to apologize, you are allowed to be scared." She paused for a second "Dick I think you can let him go" He felt Dick let go of him and he wrapped his arms around himself tightly. HE felt Dick's arms wrap around him tightly and he leaned back against his brother. He continued to sob turning so he could lay his head against Dick's shoulder. He balled his fists into Dicks shirt clinging to him for dear life. He felt Dinah rubbing his back and he knew he was safe. That man couldn't hurt him now.