Work Text:
1)
It all starts, as most life altering events do, with a game of Never Have I Ever.
Seokjin and Jungkook have closed up the coffee shop, and texted Yoongi urgently to leave work and to bring as many bottles of wine as he can carry. Yoongi is unfazed by this, as it happens about once a month. When they’ve had a particularly bad day at the shop, caused by some costumer throwing a tantrum or a kid eating too many cookies and throwing up in the entryway, they force all their friends to come sit in the dark lit corner booth and drown out the days struggles with as much wine as they can consume before the last bus of the night leaves from the stop across the street.
Yoongi uses his back to push open the door because he’s got 6 bottles of wine held precariously in his arms, only because he left his reusable bag at home and he didn’t feel like paying the extra 500 won for a plastic one.
“Woah there, I’ll help you with that, hyung.” Taehyung looms out of the darkness on the sidewalk in front of Yoongi, and Yoongi yelps at his sudden arrival. Before he can drop any of the bottles though, Taehyung steadies him with a hand on Yoongi’s elbow, and snags two of the bottles to lighten his load.
“Jeez, make some noise when you walk.” Yoongi says, fidgeting to cover his embarrassment from the noise he made from being startled.
“I’ll take that into consideration, thanks. Come on, it’s freezing.” Taehyung pulls his beanie off his head as he walks to the back of the cafe. Yoongi follows, watching as the hair at the back of Taehyung’s head sticks up from the static of his hat. He brings up his hand to flatten it, but retracts it once they come into view of their friends.
“Ah, the wine has arrived!” Seokjin claps as he stands up from the booth to get a stack of cups from behind the counter.
“Your two dear friends have also arrived, you prick.” Yoongi grumbles, shrugging off his coat and sliding into the booth next to Namjoon.
“Tae, come here silly, your hair’s all wonky.” Jimin reaches up and pats down Taehyung’s hair, before artfully mussing it up again.
“Thanks, mom.” Taehyung reaches across the table to fist bump Jungkook before he settles onto the bench.
“Seokjin was just telling us about the customer who went into labor while she was ordering a smoothie today.” Hoseok pipes in as he twists off the cap of one of the bottles of wine. “Wow, Yoongi, you really splurged with this bottle, what did you cost you, half a pack of gum?”
“Shut up. What kind of smoothie was she ordering?”
“I believe, in her words it was, ‘Kale, apple, and- oh my god I think I’ve just pissed myself’.” Jungkook covers his face with his hands, and scrubs like he's trying to erase the memory, and Namjoon squeezes his arm in sympathy.
“I’ve never seen Jungkook's eyes pop out of his head quite like that before. I would have taken a picture if not for the sudden screaming to call an ambulance.” Seokjin plops down in a chair at the front of the booth, and starts pouring wine into the cups, filling them all the way to the brim.
“Alright, buddy, I don’t think you need to fill them up that high.” Yoongi sips at the overflowing cup so he can pass it on to Namjoon.
“First of all, I had to mop up amniotic fluid today, amniotic fluid, so yes I do have to fill it up that high. And second of all, we’re playing never have I ever because I need to get drunk and I can always count on you to target me so I just keep losing.” Seokjin raises up one hand with 5 fingers splayed and points at Hoseok with the other. “You go first, don’t hold back, Hobi.”
“Never have I have mopped up amniotic fluid.” Hoseok smiles innocently, dimples popping out.
“That’s my man.” Seokjin winks before taking a long sip of his drink and lowering one finger.
“Well, obviously I have too, I’m a fucking nurse.” Jimin pouts but takes an even longer sip of his drink than Seokjin. Yoongi blinks at him and Jimin shrugs. “I’m coming off a 14 hour shift, I need to get drunk too.”
By the time they’ve finished the 6th bottle, Yoongi has lost track of who’s winning or losing, because everyone is equally drunk, especially since at some point Seokjin broke out the bottle of gin he keeps under the counter for emergencies and keeps pouring it into people’s empty cups.
“Alright, Yoongi, you must have thought up one by now, come on. And don’t say never have I ever been born in 1992 again, it’s gotta be an experience.” Seokjin hiccups as he pours another dollop of gin into Yoongi’s cup.
“Fine, fine. Let me think.” Yoongi rests his head back against the booth and lets his eyes fall shut.
“Fuck off, Yoongi, that’s not thinking, that’s daydreaming about falling asleep. Focus. Come on, think up a saucy one.” Seokjin pulls at his sleeve until Yoongi opens his eyes back up.
“Saucy? What are you a middle aged woman?”
“Yoongi!”
“Ok, alright. Never have I ever received a lap dance.”
“I feel so attacked,” Hoseok grumbles.
“Same.” Jungkook and Jimin say at the same time.
“God, I don’t want to know about the lap dance activities you two get up to.” Seokjin groans, before taking a sip of his drink as well.
“Woah, is Yoongi the only one that hasn’t had a lap dance before?” Namjoon asks after he chokes down some gin.
“Oh my god, you know what that means.” Seokjin says, eyes bright with excitement.
“It means nothing, that’s the end of the round, we move on now,” Yoongi mutters.
“Nope, no, we have to rectify the situation.” Seokjin stands up from his chair and pulls Yoongi up before he can start protesting. “Alright, who’s gonna give hyung a lap dance.”
“Me!” Jimin raises his hand excitedly, before Jungkook smacks him on the back of the head.
“Babe, I’m right here, you can’t give other dudes lap dances right in front of me.” Jungkook frowns, and Jimin just cuddles into his side.
“Ok, baby, my ass is yours only.”
“Jimin, talk about giving my kid brother a lap dance one more time and I swear I’ll poison your drink.” Seokjin throws a dirty napkin at Jimin who just winks at him in return.
“I’ll do it.” Taehyung pipes up, extracting his long legs from under the table.
“Gumby himself is going to give you a lap dance, isn’t this exciting, Yoongichi?” Seokjin shoves Yoongi down into the seat, and goes to the speakers to play the sexiest music Yoongi assumes he can think of, which turns out to be Rihanna’s Anti album on shuffle.
“Oh hell yeah, I love this song.” Taehyung exclaims, wiggling his hips back and forth as 'Sex with Me' starts blaring over the shitty speakers.
“Oh god,” Yoongi groans as Taehyung starts lowering himself onto his lap. “Why is this happening to me, God. Why?”
The song plays on as Taehyung reaches back and puts Yoongi's hands on his hips and keeps them firmly gripped there while he rolls his body back and forth in what can only be described, in Yoongi's mind at least, as a sexy mermaid dance.
“You know I’ve got the sauce, you know I’m saucy,” Taehyung mumbles the lyrics to himself, even as he focuses on sitting sideways on Yoongi’s lap and kicking his legs in a fan like motion. If he weren't in his lap, Yoongi would find it endearing, the way Taehyung's eyebrows furrow a little bit as he focuses on his movements. But Yoongi lives in the world where Taehyung is in his lap, so instead it's just wildly arousing.
“This is so much to watch.” Namjoon whispers loudly, but no one responds because one third of the room is in the middle of a lap dance and the other two thirds have their phones out to record it.
“Ok, Taehyung. Thank you, but the song is over.” Yoongi nudges his hip to stop Taehyung’s motions.
Taehyung grins down at him and offers a hand to help him up. “You’re welcome. I’m glad I was your first time.”
“It’s so romantic.” Jimin whispers from behind them.
“Everyone, shut up.” Yoongi announces, before chugging the rest of his drink.
2)
The bar is so loud, and Yoongi had a long day at work listening to this new alternative group who is determined to use cowbell in their album, whether it sounds good or not, so Yoongi’s ears are already ringing.
“Another whiskey, please.” Yoongi asks the bartender, even though he’s still got half a glass in front of him.
“I texted Taehyung to join us since his office is down the street.” Hoseok says, stirring his straw in a pink drink that he managed to flirt his way into getting the bartender to make him.
“Cool. Whatever.” Yoongi says, gulping down the rest of his drink as the bartender puts a new glass in front of him. “Keep em coming, Jiho.”
The bartender rolls his eyes and just puts the bottle onto the bar top in front of Yoongi. “Don’t kill yourself.”
Yoongi lifts his glass in a silent toast. Before he can bring it to his lips again, he feels a body attach itself to his back.
“Hiya.” Taehyung mumbles into the back of his neck before he straightens back up and gives Hoseok a fist bump. “How are my hyungs?”
“Long day. Drink.” Yoongi pushes his glass into Taehyung’s hand, and before he can haphazardly reach behind the bar for another glass, Jiho smacks his hand away and places a glass down for him. “My man,” Yoongi says cheerfully, shooting a finger gun at Jiho, who shakes his head and walks to the other end of the counter.
“Ooh, table opened up over there, let’s sit, my legs hurt.” Taehyung is already walking away before either of them can answer.
“See, this is why I told you not to get a standing desk, Taehyung.” Hoseok shakes his head as they move over to the table.
“It’s not the standing desk's fault, I just tried doing one squat per minute all day and now I think I’ll never be able to bend my legs again.” Taehyung sits across from Yoongi, but then gets up and sits in the seat to the side of him instead, nudging it a few inches closer. Yoongi feels himself blushing but just brings the glass to his lips instead of making a comment.
“Why would you do so many squats?” Yoongi asks after he finishes swallowing the whiskey.
“I want my butt to look nice.” Taehyung smiles demurely and scoots another inch closer.
“Uh.” Yoongi blinks.
“I think your butt is lovely, Taehyung. You don’t have to do 400 squats, I think that would just destroy you.” Hoseok reaches across and pats Taehyung’s hand.
“What do you think of my butt, hyung?” Taehyung rests his chin in his hand and leans forward over the table.
“Uh.” Yoongi can’t seem to form words, and tries to think of anything at all to say.
“Yoongi hyung knows your butt the best of all, after last week’s little lap dance. Right, hyung?” Hoseok grins as he nudges Yoongi’s arm.
“Uh.” Yoongi has given up on being a functioning human, and decides to down his drink.
“Do you want me to remind you, hyung?” Taehyung asks as he peels off his jacket and starts to stand up.
“Uh.”
“I thought your legs hurt, Taehyung, don’t strain yourself.” Hoseok says even as he slides the table further away from Yoongi so Taehyung has room to move.
“I should do a cool down stretch after working out all day anyways, so this is really just for my muscle health.” Taehyung says with laughter in his voice as he wriggles himself down over Yoongi’s lap.
“Right, muscle health.” Yoongi chokes out, finally remembering how to speak, but most of the words he can recall are iterations of ‘fuck’ or ‘god help me’, so he stays quiet.
By some act of divine intervention, Partition by Beyonce starts playing, and Yoongi snaps his head to look over at the bar to see Jiho the bartender trying to muffle his laughter behind his phone that’s clearly hooked up to the speaker system. Fuck, Jiho, Yoongi thinks. He’s been coming to this bar for 6 years and that’s the thanks he gets for his patronage? Fuck, Jiho.
“I love this song.” Taehyung breathes, looking back over his shoulder. “Stop looking at the bartender, look at me, hyung.”
“Jesus,” Yoongi mutters, reaching to brace his hands on Taehyung’s hips before withdrawing them quickly.
“My name is Taehyung, not Jesus.” Taehyung laughs as he turns around and walks his legs on either side of Yoongi’s thighs, standing there as raises his arms in the air and waves them as seductively as he can manage.
“Sexy tree,” Yoongi manages to squeeze out, and immediately goes beet red at the comment.
Taehyung smiles brightly and plops down playfully in his lap as the song comes to an end. “Thanks, hyung!”
“Dear lord, the guys are gonna love this.” Hoseok lowers his phone from where he was recording them, and shoots Yoongi a thumbs up.
“Give me your phone so I can flush it down a toilet.” Yoongi blindly reaches around Taehyung, who laughs and grips the back of Yoongi’s neck once before extracting himself from his lap.
“Can’t let you do that, hyung. You’re gonna want this video to show your future children.” Hoseok grins and Yoongi just gets up from the table to beg more whiskey from his arch nemesis Jiho.
3)
“Who chose Flashdance as the movie to watch?” Yoongi asks loudly from his side of the couch while everyone quietly watches the TV screen.
“Shhh, no talking during the movie, hyung. It's rude.” Jungkook whispers from his spot on the floor.
“I just don’t understand, Namjoon texted me saying we were gonna watch Die Hard. Where is Bruce Willis? What happened?” Yoongi frowns at the screen.
“Taehyung chose it, and Jungkook says Alex Owens was his inspiration to start dancing when he was younger.” Jimin whispers over Jungkook’s head, even as Jungkook swats at his face to stop talking.
“Your dream was to work at a nightclub?” Yoongi asks, confused.
“If you would shut up you would see she strives for greater things, now please , just watch the movie.” Jungkook hisses.
“I just have always wanted to recreate the water drop scene.” Taehyung whispers to Yoongi, where he’s pressed up against his side on the couch.
“The water drop scene?” Yoongi asks, even though he knows the scene. He hasn’t watched the movie before but everyone knows the scene.
“Yeah, don’t you know it?” Taehyung whispers back, eyes no longer watching the TV screen.
“Um. No.” Yoongi says, mouth going dry. He’s not sure why he lies, but Taehyung’s eyes go wickedly bright, and Yoongi isn’t sure if he feels regret or anticipation. Both, definitely both.
“I can show you.” Taehyung says, leaning forward.
“Or he can watch it, in like 5 minutes, when it happens in the movie we are all currently watching.” Jungkook says grudgingly below them, but Yoongi sees Jimin pinch his side to stay quiet.
“Um.” Yoongi gulps but he feels himself shifting up straighter in his seat, and the movement is all Taehyung needs to get up from the couch.
“Cue the montage!” Taehyung shouts and points to Namjoon, who looks at him helplessly before Taehyung whispers in exasperation, “Play the song, come on hyung.”
“Oh, right.” Namjoon fumbles with his phone and pulls up a youtube video of the scene.
“It’s honestly going to play in like a few minutes, surely he can wait- Ouch, fine,” Jungkook whispers, sullenly.
Taehyung starts jogging quickly place along to the music, and Yoongi can do nothing but look up at him with what he’s sure is a mixture of terror and arousal. No one has ever made him feel those two emotions simultaneously as frequently as Kim Taehyung.
“Oh my god, he’s really doing the lunge thrusts.” Jimin says gleefully, and he keeps looking back and forth between Taehyung and Yoongi like he’s not sure which will be more entertaining to watch.
“Uh.” Yoongi feels like his brain has leaked out of his ears, because Taehyung keeps rubbing his thighs and tossing his head around, and something is happening in Yoongi’s heart, this weird feeling that he’s just sealed his fate, watching Taehyung dance erotically in front of him. He can’t explain why, but he wants to do something crazy like join their bank accounts and apply for a mortgage together. This man should be the father of his children, Yoongi thinks to himself in alarm, this tall mess of a human, this long sexy pole, this horny Gumby impersonator, this is the man he wants a responsible future with.
“We should get out of the way, babe.” Jimin warns Jungkook as Taehyung starts moving closer to Yoongi while performing, and Jungkook just sighs in defeat and crawls lamely to the other side of the living room floor.
“And then at this point she kinda just-” Taehyung drops down into Yoongi’s lap and leans back, throwing back his head to expose his neck and reaching up to pull a pretend rope to douse them both in a pretend rainfall of water. For some reason, Yoongi feels like he’s actually drowning in it.
Taehyung continues to dance in his lap, even though Yoongi thinks he must be improvising at this point because from the videos he’s seen he’s pretty sure the actual dance is much more vertical at this point, and not entirely in a seat.
“Wow.”
“Yeah, wow.” Namjoon says from the other side of the couch, and Yoongi looks up to see his three other friends staring over at him with wide eyes, and Yoongi feels suddenly exposed.
“Good movie.” Yoongi says, trying to bring their focus back to the actual film and not the extremely long and extremely good dancing boy in his lap.
“You like it?” Taehyung says breathlessly, sliding out of his lap but leaving his hand on the back of Yoongi’s neck.
“I think he’s a big fan, Taehyung, thanks.” Jungkook grumbles, before settling his back against Jimin. “No more interruptions, please .”
4)
“Happy Birthday, Yoongi-hyung!” Taehyung drapes his arms around Yoongi’s shoulders and presses a wet kiss to his cheek.
“Thanks, Taehyung. I’m glad you could come.” Yoongi says nonchalantly, pretending he wasn’t just scanning the crowded room to see if Taehyung had showed up yet. He grips the neck of his beer tightly so he doesn’t accidentally reach up and reverently touch his cheek where Taehyung’s lips just were.
“You have so many friends, I didn’t know you were such a social butterfly.”
“Eh, Hoseok sent out the invites so I only really talk to half of these people, most of them probably don’t even know my name.”
“I bet you’re being modest, I think you don’t realize how much people want to be your friend.” Taehyung is pressed up against his side even though it’s not particularly crowded in the kitchen. Yoongi thinks about inching away in a last-ditch attempt of self preservation, but instead he leans into it.
“I don’t think so, but thanks for saying so on my birthday. Makes me feel all warm inside.” Yoongi tried to make that sound sarcastic but instead it comes out as horrifying heartfelt, and Taehyung just slides closer.
“I like making you feel warm insider.” Taehyung blinks happily down at Yoongi and if Yoongi doesn’t move now he’s pretty sure he’s going to do something horrible like kiss him.
“Let’s go find Seokjin, he mentioned having something he wanted to show you.” Yoongi lies, and starts making his way through the crowd, getting smacked on the back every few feet with birthday punches.
He spends the rest of the night talking to as many people as he can, but no matter where he goes, Taehyung is there, pushing a new drink into his hand, laughing at his jokes, introducing himself to Yoongi’s music friends. It feels like Taehyung is cohosting this birthday party, and it terrifies Yoongi how much he wants that.
“Yoongi, I really think we should do something special for your birthday,” Seokjin says later, as he bounces down onto the couch next to Yoongi.
“What do you mean, we’re literally at my party right now, this is the special thing.” Yoongi reaches to take one of the shots of rum Seokjin is holding, and downs it before Seokjin can grab it back.
“Fucking twerp. And no, not just that, I mean something special, like something to mark the occasion since we didn’t get you a cake.”
“You didn’t get me a cake?”
“Well technically we did, but Hoseok hid it in your coat closet and it may have fallen, so no more cake.” Seokjin pouts at him in the drunken way he does that he thinks looks cute and innocent, but actually makes him look like a tipsy owl.
“What the fuck, he dropped a cake on my coats?” Yoongi goes to stand up, but Seokjin tugs him back down and hands him the other shot, which Yoongi takes after only a moment of hesitation.
“Don’t worry it fell straight into a bag, no mess. Just the one bag. It was actually very skillful the way he managed to drop it.”
“What the f-”
“Anyways, we should mark the occasion, but with a different kind of cake.”
“What do you mean, like a cheese cake?” Yoongi asks, still coughing from the rum he just choked down to ease his frustration.
“No like, Taehyung rubbing his ass against your crotch while he dances to Birthday Cake by Rihanna. That kind of cake.” Seokjin tilts his head and smiles like a nurse asking a child if they would like a lollipop after a particularly traumatic tooth cleaning.
“Um,” Yoongi swallows because there’s suddenly so much saliva in his mouth it feels like he’s drowning.
“I’ll take that as a yes. Taehyung!” Seokjin calls out to where Taehyung is perched on the arm of the loveseat across from them.
Taehyung looks up at them sweetly. “Yes?”
“Give Yoongi a lap dance for his birthday.” Seokjin says, standing up and going over to the phone hooked up to the speakers.
Taehyung stands up so quickly that he tips his cup onto his shirt and pours beer down the front of it. “Oops.”
Yoongi stares at where the fabric sticks to Taehyung's flat stomach, and can feel the way his mouth is gaping open, but is powerless to close it.
“Oh well,” Taehyung shrugs and takes his shirt off as he straddles Yoongi’s lap.
“Oh my fucking god.” Yoongi breathes, and distantly he can hear Jimin whistles and Hoseok screeching loudly, but it’s all blurred out by the rushing of blood in his ears.
“Seokjin is so good at picking lap dance songs,” Taehyung says thoughtfully as he bounces in Yoongi’s lap in a foully sexual way. Yoongi has to tilt his head back and stare at the ceiling to focus on anything else, literally anything, so he doesn’t get hard. He thinks about the old lady that lives next door, wonders if she gets lonely, wonders if he should go see if she wants to come over and join the party. And then he thinks about the sweet old woman seeing Taehyung bounce in his lap and Yoongi’s face goes so red he feels like blood might start dripping out of his eyes.
“You can put your hands on me you know.” Taehyung murmurs, lips ghosting the shell of his ear before he pulls back and gyrates slowly while staring directly in Yoongi’s eyes.
Yoongi can only choke in response, coughing suddenly and turning away from Taehyung so he can’t see his eyes bugging out of his head while he gasps for air. Unfortunately one of Yoongi’s hands goes to Taehyung’s hip while he turns away, trying not to throw him off his lap, and the touch of warm skin is enough to make all the remaining air leave Yoongi’s lungs.
“Gosh, Yoongi, you’re such an old man, you look like you’re gonna have a heart attack. Alright Taehyung, let the poor man breathe.” Seokjin calls out, coming over and petting Taehyung on the head.
“Happy birthday, hyung.” Taehyung whispers, before he lifts himself up from Yoongi’s lap.
While Yoongi sits there trying to catch his breath, Seokjin crouches down in front of him and pats him on the knee.
“I think you handled that well, Yoongichi.” Seokjin says, though the tone of his voice reeks with sympathy.
“Fuck.” Yoongi exhales. “Fuck.”
5)
“Do you remember the last time we drank here?” Taehyung slurs as they stumble out of the coffee shop.
“What, like when the child birth thing happened?” Yoongi asks, looking both ways before they cross the street to wait under the sheltered bus stop. It’s midnight, and no one else is waiting for the bus, and Yoongi hopes that doesn’t mean they’ve missed the last one yet, because he really doesn’t feel like paying for a taxi.
“Yeah, but like, not that part. The other part.” Taehyung is gripping onto Yoongi’s coat sleeve, and Yoongi is cold so he shuffles closer on the metal bench towards Taehyung.
“What part?” Yoongi asks, staring at Taehyung’s lips because he keeps licking them and it’s incredibly distracting.
“This part.” Taehyung gets up and straddles Yoongi’s legs and wraps his arms around Yoongi’s neck to keep himself steady. He circles his hips once and grins down at Yoongi. “Remember?”
Yoongi lets his head fall back against the wall of the bus stop and takes a deep breath. “Yeah, hard to forget when you do it once a week.”
“It’s hard?” Taehyung asks, and though he says it innocently, there’s a wicked glint in his eyes.
“Asshole.” Yoongi brings his head back up, but immediately drops it down again to bang his head against the wall a few times. “Such an asshole.”
“Why am I an asshole?” Taehyung giggles, burrowing his nose into Yoongi’s neck.
“You won’t stop giving lap dances. When did you become obsessed with giving everyone lap dances?” Yoongi closes his eyes so he can focus on anything else other than the way Taehyung keeps wriggling back and forth.
“I don’t give everyone lap dances, you dummy.” Taehyung lifts his head and frowns down at Yoongi.
“What would you call what you’re doing right now?” Yoongi licks his lips again, he can’t seem to stop doing it whenever he looks at Taehyung.
“Well, yeah, but I only give them to y-”
“Uh, are you guys gonna get on the bus? Last of the night.” The bus driver calls out from behind Taehyung, and Yoongi dodges his head around him to see the entire bus looking out the window, watching them.
“Shit, yeah! One second!” Yoongi stands up, still gripping the backs of Taehyung’s thighs and plops him down on the ground before shuffling them onto the bus.
“Sorry you had to see that, sir.” Taehyung bows twice to the bus driver before he runs to the back of the bus, leaving all eyes on Yoongi, who just gulps, and ducks his head as he follows suit.
1)
There’s a loud knocking on Yoongi’s apartment door, and it starts so suddenly that he flips some of the scrambled egg out of his pan and onto the backsplash of his stove. He curses and turns off the burner, rushing toward the door. His sleep addled brain is trying to catch up to him, and for some reason he's convinced that there must be a fire, he must be the only person that can put it out. The knocking is getting more and more aggressive, this has to be an emergency, he thinks as he stumbles in his slippers.
He flings the door open, ready to run to wherever the fire is, but stops short when he sees Taehyung, who, now that the door is open, is crossing his arms over his chest, a look of annoyance already on his face.
“What.” Yoongi tries to slow down his brain, looking back and forth down the hallway for signs of distress. When he doesn’t see any smoke, he straightens back up to look at Taehyung. “There’s no fire?”
“Oh buddy, there’s a fire, just you wait.” Taehyung pushes Yoongi backward and follows him into the apartment, shutting the door determinedly.
“What are you doing here?” Yoongi asks, dumbly, feeling like maybe he’s still sleeping. He wonders if the egg splattered all over his kitchen was also a dream, because he really doesn’t feel like cleaning that all up.
“Sit down for a second, will you?” Taehyung phrases it like a question, but he’s pushing Yoongi harshly down onto his couch, and Yoongi bounces a little at the sudden action.
“What-”
“No, no, you don’t talk right now. I want you to focus, ok?” Taehyung stares at his until Yoongi gives a weak nod. “Good, ok. Now I’m going to do something and I want you to tell me what you think it means. Ok?”
Yoongi opens his mouth to protest being spoken to like he’s a child, but Taehyung narrows his eyes in a way that brings sweat to the back of Yoongi’s neck. “Ok.”
Taehyung pulls off his jacket and drops it onto the floor, and before Yoongi can make a noise of displeasure at the mess, Taehyung is plopping himself down into Yoongi’s lap and wrapping his hand around his neck, stroking at the hair delicately.
“What.” Yoongi is positive now it’s a dream, but he’s not sure why his brain would be so cruel to him.
“Why do you think I’m in your lap right now?” Taehyung asks, tipping Yoongi’s chin up so he can continue to watch him, and Yoongi feels hot all over.
“I don’t know, I’m pretty sure the last 5 minutes have been a fever dream, it’d be hard to try to understand the motives of a hallucination.”
Taehyung pinches at Yoongi’s collarbone, and Yoongi yelps at the sudden pain.
“Not a fever dream, honey. Tell me why I’m in your lap.”
Yoongi rubs at this chest, frown still on his lips. “Why do you keep asking me, you’re the one doing it.”
Taehyung groans loudly, and stands up suddenly, raking his hands through his hair. “Seokjin said you were dumb but, like, this is absurd. I’m starting to question how you’ve gotten this far in life.”
“Why is Seokjin telling people I’m dumb? I’m not dumb.”
“You are. The king of all the dumb.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m in love with you and I’ve been throwing myself at you for months and you’re just completely oblivious to it all!” Taehyung’s chest is heaving, and he sits down in the chair across from Yoongi, crossing his arms and turning away from Yoongi, before changing his mind and facing him head on again.
“You’re-” Yoongi is staring at Taehyung like he’s just been told the moon is made of cheese.
“Yes. I’m in love with you.” Taehyung squints his eyes, looking affronted by Yoongi’s slowness.
“But.” Yoongi stares down at his lap like it holds the answers, and when it doesn't give him any inspiration he looks back up at Taehyung, dumbfounded.
“But, what? Use your words.”
“But I thought the lap thing was just… I thought you did that with everyone. As a joke. I thought it was a friend thing.” As Yoongi says it out loud, he can hear the absurdity of it all.
“A friend thing.”
“Yeah. Ok, I’m hearing it now.” Yoongi is blushing, but he regains his footing a bit, the embarrassment waking up his senses.
“How could a lap dance be platonic?” Taehyung gapes, “Hyung, what the fuck.”
“Yeah, I… I’m not sure how my brain betrayed me like that. That’s on me.”
“What the fuck.”
“Alright, I get it.”
“I literally took my shirt off.”
“You got beer on it! And you don't like being sticky. Plus you overheat so easily, I was concerned.”
“You were concerned.”
“I was concerned.” Yoongi nods.
“Ok.” Taehyung finally leans back in his seat, letting some of the dismay fade out of him. “Ok.”
“Cool. Glad we settled that.”
“We haven’t settled this. Hyung, I just told you I’m in love with you. And you have neither rejected me nor confessed your feelings, so. No. This is not settled.” Taehyung doesn’t seem outraged like he had in the moments before or after his proclamation, so Yoongi tries to relax back into his seat too, like a cub trying to mimic the actions of their experienced lioness mother.
“Ok.” Yoongi repeats, the definition of nonchalance. “Ok.”
Taehyung leans forward a bit and starts snapping in Yoongi’s face. “Hey, hey, what are you doing? You can’t chill out yet, sit up straight. Tell me you like me and sit up straight.”
“When did you get this bossy?” Yoongi drops his head into his hands.
“Since I realized that one of us was going to have to take the reins in this relationship. I can’t be the one who always does it though, ok? I’m a baby too, I’m just trying to move this thing along. Seriously, you should have kissed me on the bus last night, how could you not realize that?" Taehyung rolls his eyes and taps his foot in impatience.
Yoongi starts to mumble into his hands, but it’s illegible.
“Speak clearly for mommy, I know you can do it.” Taehyung swats at Yoongi’s hands to get him to bring them down.
“Don’t call yourself mommy, please. I don’t want to get a complex.”
“Hyung, I swear to god if the next thing out of your mouth isn’t some form of confession I will storm out. No, actually, I’ll storm straight into your bedroom and dump an entire trash can over your sheets.”
“Fuck, fine! Fine. I like you.”
“Fucking finally.” Taehyung groans out, and stands up so suddenly that the coffee table tips over and clatters onto its side. Yoongi points at it, but can’t bring himself to yell at him for damaging his property because Taehyung is closing the space between them to straddle Yoongi’s legs once again. “You big fucking idiot. Christ almighty, I love you but you are so fucking dumb.”
“Shut up-” Yoongi’s complaints are cut off when Taehyung smashes their lips together, scrambling in his lap to get as close as possible. Yoongi just reaches around Taehyung’s hips to pull him in, feeling Taehyung’s impatience seep into him.
"If you were so impatient, why didn't you just tell me you liked me sooner instead of giving me lap dances in front of half of Seoul?" Yoongi asks in between kisses, only getting out a few words at a time.
"Because I liked doing it. Your face would get so red. It's so cute." Taehyung gasps out as Yoongi stands up with Taehyung still wrapped around his waist.
Yoongi starts walking them toward the kitchen. "I know this is super hot, and we're in love or whatever, but I'm hungover and need breakfast." Yoongi pecks him one more time on the lips before depositing him on the kitchen counter next to the stove.
"I've waited months for this and you can't wait 10 minutes to get me off before you eat your eggs?" Taehyung whines, but takes a bite from Yoongi's fork when he offers it to him.
"Sustenance is good. Sustenance now, sex later." Yoongi mumbles around his mouthful of eggs.
Taehyung hops down from the counter and starts walking towards Yoongi's bedroom. "Alright well I'm gonna go reenact the scene from Flashdance again alone in your room, so have fun with your eggs."
Yoongi chokes on his mouthful and throws the plate into the sink so harshly that he thinks he hears it break.
"I'm coming, I'm coming!"