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It’s a surprisingly warm and sunny day in early spring at Barack H. Obama Memorial High School. When the bell rings at the end of class hours the kids in Mr. Teacher’s AP Ectobiology can’t get up out of their seats fast enough to get out and enjoy the nice weather. Mr. Teacher, a squat little black-shelled carapacian in a button up shirt and no pants with a moustache glued to his face, is loudly trying to remind the quickly exiting students about their upcoming midterms. Harry Anderson Egbert and Vriska Maryam-Lalonde pay no attention to him whatsoever as Vriska playfully bumps her hip against Harry Anderson as they walk through the door.
VRISKA: Hey Harry Anderson. You have your sports practice today?
HARRY ANDERSON: i wish you’d stop calling it “sports practice” vriska. i play soccer. when you call it “sports” you just sound like you’re a nerd trying to look cool.
VRISKA: O8ch!!!!!!!! F8ck you, Harry Anderson! Are you vacillating pitch for me now saying things like that? I already haaaaaaaave a kismesis and he’s WAY more annoying than you.
Harry Anderson rolls his eyes. He’s never been very happy with the arrangement that Vriska has with him and his cousin Tavros English, but he’s always been way too busy – not to mention cripplingly non-confrontational – to really bother with it.
HARRY ANDERSON: whatever. no, i don’t have soccer practice today. coach cancelled on account of a bomb dropping on her house.
VRISKA: What???????? Sucks for her! I know you just loooooooove your Aunt Jane 8ut that’s such 8ullshit!
HARRY ANDERSON: actually i think it might have been the troll rebellion. nobody’s really paying attention to civilians anymore. it sucks.
VRISKA: I’ll ask my moms and see if they know anything a8out what happened, okay?
HARRY ANDERSON: does it even matter, vriska? just don’t worry about who dropped a bomb on coach’s house. all of it sucks.
He smirks.
HARRY ANDERSON: anyway, why were you asking if i had sports practice? are you free?
VRISKA: Harry Anderson! You JUST told me that coach’s house 8lew up and now you’re thinking with your dum8 8ulge?
HARRY ANDERSON: you were the one who asked!
VRISKA: Yeah! 8efore I found out that coach’s house exploded!
HARRY ANDERSON: why do you even care? she’s not your coach!
VRISKA: 8ecause she’s a person affected 8y the war and I’m worried about her!
Harry Anderson sighs deeply.
HARRY ANDERSON: okay fine, vriska. make me feel like a jerk.
VRISKA: You’re kind of 8eing a HUGE jerk right now, yeah!!!!!!!!
HARRY ANDERSON: this is just life, though. people get their houses blown up all the time. coach will just make a new one and we’ll have practice again tomorrow. i’m really sorry if i’m being bad right now, but it’s not like this isn’t normal, you know????????
Vriska seems to sense how many question marks Harry Anderson added to his last sentence, and puts her hand on his shoulder. She smiles.
VRISKA: Yeah........I get it. It really sucks. I’m sorry I jumped on you like that, Harry Anderson. Really.
HARRY ANDERSON: hey, i was the one apologizing!
VRISKA: What, I can’t even apologize now? Can’t I catch a 8r8k! You won’t let me do anything! Why do you have to 8e so pitch with me? What a shitty matesprit!!!!!!!!
HARRY ANDERSON: hey!
VRISKA: I’m just playing with you! I actually haaaaaaaad plans with Tavros tonight, but since you’re free, I’ll just go tell him to fuck off. He sucks SO 8ad!!!!!!!!
HARRY ANDERSON: i mean...he’s still your boyfriend, right?
VRISKA: Yeah!!!!!!!! 8ut since I told him to fuck off he’ll just want to see me more! That’s how it works!
HARRY ANDERSON: ugh, you’re so weird.
VRISKA: ::::D
Harry Anderson groans and adjust his backpack strap over his shoulder. They arrive at their lockers, which are right next to each other. “VML L8VES HAE” is carved into Harry Anderson’s locker. Both of them wound up in detention for a week for it. Harry Anderson switches out his books and grabs his skateboard.
HARRY ANDERSON: anyway...i guess since you’re free, do you want to go to the skate park with me?
Before Vriska can respond, Tavros English strides over to them from the other end of the hall. Harry Anderson’s cousin is a tall, well built boy with messy dark hair and perfectly straightened teeth. He wears a dark purple suit vest over a white shirt and matching purple tie. At BHOMHS, Tavros is one of the best dressed students, but he spent most of his education attending the very prestigious Jane B. Crocker Preparatory Academy for Relevant Children, which had a very strict dress code. Being the devilishly handsome son of Earth C’s most beloved star, he should have every student begging for his attention. His incredibly shy nature and fixation on Vriska, however, is enough to repel most prospective suitors.
TAVROS: Howdy,,, Harry Anderson,
He frowns at Vriska.
TAVROS: Vriska,,,
TAVROS: Are we still on at,,,six,,,?
Vriska smirks.
VRISKA: So SORRY Tavros! That totally skipped my mind!!!!!!!! I thought you must 8e joking since you wouldn’t want anything to do with me! ;;;;)
TAVROS: That’s,,,true. So we’re not on for tonight,,,?
VRISKA: I guess not! Unless you want to push it????????
TAVROS: Why would I ever want to push anything,,,with you?
HARRY ANDERSON: okay come on guys, i’m standing right here!
TAVROS: We’re just,,,talking,,,Harry Anderson.
VRISKA: Yeah!!!!!!!! We’re just talking! Anyway, I’m gonna go to the sk8 park with Harry Anderson 8ecause I’d never want anything to do with a loser like you, Tavros English!
TAVROS: That’s,,,great,,,because you’re an awful person who’s never done anything right and I’m sick of even looking at you,,, let alone being around you,,,,,,,
VRISKA: We’ll hang out some other time?
TAVROS: Of course,
VRISKA: <3<
TAVROS: <3<
HARRY ANDERSON: ugh.
Tavros winks at Vriska and smiles at Harry Anderson before whipping out his phone and heading on his way. Vriska hugs Harry Anderson from behind and gives him a kiss on the back of his neck.
VRISKA: Sk8 park time!!!!!!!!
HARRY ANDERSON: i’ll never understand how this works. how is he just so okay with you bailing on him to hang out with me?
VRISKA: He’s not! He’s annoyed as shit! He h8s me, remem8er????
HARRY ANDERSON: how is this healthy, vriska?
VRISKA: whaaaaaaaat?
HARRY ANDERSON: like i get you and tavros have been kismeses for years now but it just seems unhappy? how are you fulfilled by this?
VRISKA: Come on Harry Anderson! Don’t give me that “humans can’t feel spades” 8ullshit again! Tavros is a human and he gets it!
HARRY ANDERSON: does he though?
VRISKA: Are you jealous, Harry Anderson???????? We’ve talked about this. It’s a completely different quadrant from how I feel about you!
HARRY ANDERSON: it’s just really hard to think of you as my girl when you’re also my cousin’s girl, you know?
VRISKA: Hey........come here!!!!!!!!
Harry Anderson turns back to look at Vriska and she kisses him full on the lips, throwing her arms around his neck.
VRISKA: I’m definitely your girl, you dwee8.
HARRY ANDERSON: you’re the dweeb.
VRISKA: Can it, Egbert.
They kiss again. Harry Anderson leans into the kiss and holds onto her body even tighter. She giggles against his teeth and pulls back.
VRISKA: I love your enthusiasm, Harry Anderson, 8ut may8e we should take this to the sk8 park?
HARRY ANDERSON: haha, you’re right. let’s get out of here.
***
Rose Maryam-Lalonde holds baby Samus Aran Egbert, her granddaughter/sister/niece in the crook of her arm as she sits next to her wife, Kanaya, on a couch in the Egbert family living room. Roxy Lalonde sits excitedly on one side of the other couch facing them with a cup of tea in her hands, while her former husband John Egbert sits on the other side with a tired smile on his face.
ROXY: i am so fkn glad u two came out to see us
ROXY: like fr fr
ROXY: oh shoot shouldnt curse in front of sammy my bad
ROSE: Roxy, we had this exact same discussion when Harry Anderson was a baby. Even if human infants have their ears from the moment of birth, that doesn’t mean they are collecting curse words in their head before they can even talk.
ROXY: u dont know that rose and neway i still dont like doin the adult talk in front of the bb u no
ROXY: but idk w/e im just rly rly glad u guys came out to see us i missed u so much and its been so long omg
Kanaya says nothing. She has her two clawed hands gripped firmly together and seems to be avoiding looking at Roxy.
ROSE: As uncomfortable as it is to discuss, you do understand why it took us so long to visit, yes?
ROXY: o i mean yea i get it and im rly rly sorry omg
KANAYA: I See.
Rose puts the hand not holding the baby on Kanaya’s leg supportively.
KANAYA: Sounds Like The Sort Of Thing Someone Would Say To Assure Us That This Isn’t An Ambush Yes
ROSE: Kanaya.
KANAYA: Oh I Am Sorry Rose Should I Be More Excited To See A Person Who Has Spent The Past Ten Years Serving As A Collaborator To Hostile Oppressors
KANAYA: The Woman Who Single Handedly Sealed The Human Carapacian Alliance
KANAYA: The Woman Whose Inability To See Injustice Has Led To The Deaths Of Innocents
KANAYA: Some Of Whom I Raised Myself
Jade-colored tears build in Kanaya’s eyes.
KANAYA: I Am Sorry Roxy But I Do Not Know If I Can Ever Forgive You
KANAYA: I Came Here For Roses Sake But I Have Chosen Not To Forgive People For Far Less Than What You Have Done
ROXY: well im back on the side of the good guys i promise and im sorry it took me so long to see that there were good guys and bad guys
ROXY: im sorry i didnt help i just wanted us all to be friends and that included janey too
ROXY: im gonna do what i can to make sure u no that i really care about and love you guys and i believe in what ur doin k
KANAYA: The Cutesy Way You Talk Does Not Absolve You Of Your Crimes
KANAYA: And Personal Friendships Should Never Come Before The Suffering Of Many
KANAYA: I Tried To Tell You This Before It Was Too Late
Baby Samus Aran starts crying. Kanaya’s face, filled with wrath, smooths instantly. She reaches out for the baby and Rose, after getting a quick nod from Roxy, hands the child to her wife. With practiced motions, Kanaya instantly starts rocking little Samus Aran in her arms and humming a little tune. The baby stops crying near instantaneously and cuddles into Kanaya’s bosom. There is silence in the room apart from the humming. When the baby seems fully at peace, Kanaya looks up at John.
KANAYA: John
KANAYA: I Did Not Say This When Harry Anderson Was Small Because I Could Not Be Completely Sure
KANAYA: But With A Larger Set Of Samples I Will Say
KANAYA: You Two Do Make Adorable Human Grubs
She turns her head to look at Rose, who is staring back at her fondly, and she gives her a warm smile in return.
KANAYA: It Will Be Nice To Get To Spend More Time With Harry Anderson and Samus Aran
KANAYA: I Missed His Childhood And That Is Something I Will Always Regret
KANAYA: I Hope It Will Not Be The Same For Your Human Daughter As Well
Kanaya gives the baby a gentle kiss on her forehead. She hands the baby back to Rose, removes a handkerchief from her troll purse, and dabs at the tears on her face.
Roxy looks sadly from Rose to Kanaya and then over at John. John reaches over to put a hand on her shoulder supportively.
JOHN: it’s gonna take a long time for all of us to get back to how we were. i mean, honestly, maybe we never will. things are pretty bad.
ROXY: this isnt making me feel much better john
JOHN: yeah i know. i’m sorry for that. but it’s the truth. we’ve really made a mess out of everything our lives could or should have been. sometimes we’re to blame for those actions, sometimes we’re not. the best we can do is move forward and live our lives for the people that we’ve lost, and try to make up for the things we’ve done. what else can we do?
ROSE: You’ve matured a lot, John. I’m proud of you.
KANAYA: I Am Not Sure I Totally Agree With What You Said
KANAYA: But It Is A Difficult Situation
Roxy nods and looks to John in admiration.
ROXY: yea ur right
The front door unlocks and in walks Jake English himself. Reality itself holds for a standing ovation.
JAKE: Well dust my crops and call me a farmer! If it isnt kanaya and rosie! To what does our little brood owe the honor after all these years?
KANAYA: Do Not Start With Me Jake English Or I Swear I Will Chainsaw You In Half
Jake laughs awkwardly. The legendary celebrity has shaved his trademark moustache and wears a button up shirt and jeans with a big buckled belt. A little bead of sweat appears at his temple and he looks to John, Roxy, and Rose nervously. Tavros steps in behind Jake and throws his bookbag down by the door. He glances between his father and the assembled.
TAVROS: Hello,,, Aunt Roxy,,, Uncle John,,,,,,,
TAVROS: Um,,, Hello,,, Others,
Jake claps Tavros on the shoulder.
JAKE: Hey hey hey Tavvy! These two lovely ladies aren’t just any old small potatoes! These ladies are your aunt rosie and aunt kanaya! Don’t you remember them at all?
TAVROS: Um,,,no,,,I don’t think so,
TAVROS: Wait,,, aren’t they leaders in the Troll Rebellion?
TAVROS: Shouldn’t we,,, uh,,, tell Mom,,,,,,,
Kanaya glances quickly at Rose with an expression like an animal hearing the sound of a nearby predator. Rose shakes her head firmly.
JAKE: Nope! No sir! Not a chance! For one, were not bothering your dear old mommy anymore. Ever! Remember? For two, you and me, and your aunt roxy and uncle johnny, we like the rebellion now! Were rebels too!
TAVROS: Are we,,,
JAKE: Positively!
Tavros seems unsure about this. He leans down, unties and removes his perfectly polished leather shoes, and then takes his backpack up to his room without saying anything else. Upon entering his room, he sits down at his desk and opens up his computer. He opens up a word doc and stares at it for a few quiet moments. The Beyond Pesterchum app opens in the corner of his screen. Only two people are listed in his “chums” section – anarchistsGrit and terminallyCapricious. He doesn’t talk to his cousin Harry Anderson outside of the awkward occasions where they bump into each other in real life, so having his chumhandle would be pointless. The last message from AG had been yesterday planning for a date this evening. The last message from TC was over a year ago.
Tavros has sent over a thousand messages to TC since then, and has yet to receive a response. Some kind of twisted form of grief keeps him sending message after message, hoping that he might ever get an answer back. It’s become a strangely routine part of the day. The boy finds it difficult to talk to anyone, but TC had always been there for him when no one else was. It had been hard to lose him when his mother had decided he was no longer part of their family. It was even harder when he disappeared after that, like he’d never cared about Tavros at all.
Still, even knowing he'll never get a response, Tavros messages him.
--- abstemiousTermination [AT] began pestering terminallyCapricious [TC] ---
AT: Hi,,, Uncle Gamzee,
AT: I miss you,
AT: Vriska,,,
AT: decided she wanted to go out with Harry Anderson again today instead of me,
AT: Even though we already made plans,
AT: ,,,and I feel really bad about that,
AT: I know you always said,,, that it wasn’t a big deal,
AT: That she and I were kismeses,,, and she and Harry Anderson were matesprits,,,,,,,
AT: And that the way I feel about her is normal,
AT: The way I just don’t like anything she does,,, ever,
AT: Yet still like how fun she can be,,, and how pretty she is,,,,,,,
AT: It’s all pitch,,, right,
AT: But then why do I want her to look at me like she looks at Harry Anderson,
AT: Why do I wish she’d just honor a date with me for once instead of constantly playing around,,,,,,
AT: I wish you’d message me again Uncle Gamzee,
AT: I wish I knew what I did wrong,
AT: I wish I knew what I did to make you hate me,
AT: I’m sorry,,,,,,
--- abstemiousTermination [AT] ceased pestering terminallyCapricious [TC] ---
Tears form at the corner of Tavros’ eyes. It doesn’t happen often, but he’s feeling particularly emotional tonight. He begins to cry softly, and his homework goes unattended.
***
KANAYA: I Cannot Believe That You Brought Us To Visit Here When The Son Of The Batterwitch Is Upstairs
ROXY: hey ok u can say what u will about me and call janey evil all u want but calling her the batterwitch is too far kanaya
KANAYA: You Don’t Get To Decide What Is Or Is Not Too Far, Roxy Lalonde
ROSE: He’s just a child, Kanaya.
KANAYA: He Is Older Than We Were When We Fought The Condesce Herself
KANAYA: He Is Older Than We Were When We Created A Universe
KANAYA: He Is Absolutely Not A Child And You Know It
ROSE: Kanaya, please. We were children when all of that happened. And it was cruel that it had to happen to us then, just as it would be cruel for us to lay those burdens on Tavros today.
KANAYA: He Could Put Us In Danger Rose
ROSE: And we will just have to be ready for that.
Kanaya stares at Rose. Rose matches her stare firmly but affectionately. The tension in Kanaya’s shoulders vanishes, and she nods.
KANAYA: You’re Right
KANAYA: I Apologize For Being So On Edge Around Your Friends Rose
ROSE: They’re your friends too, Kanaya.
KANAYA: Maybe
KANAYA: John Is
KANAYA: Harry Anderson And Samus Aran Are
KANAYA: But Roxy And Jake And Tavros
Her jade eyes turn to Roxy and Jake sitting together on the couch and narrow.
KANAYA: Maybe One Day We Could Be “Friends” Again
ROXY: it would mean the world to me kanaya
JAKE: Same for me!
ROSE: Then perhaps we will postpone the group hug until later, but the group hug is coming.
KANAYA: Maybe
ROSE: The group hug is coming.
John gets up from the couch with a panicked expression on his face.
JOHN: oh shit! i mean, uh, sugar. sorry roxy.
ROXY: w/e whats goin on
JOHN: i was gonna bake a cake and ive left it in there for over an hour!
ROXY: oh fuck
ROXY: i mean fudge
ROXY: i mean uh go check on it before the house burns down
John runs into the kitchen. An anguished wail comes from within. The cake has become a crumbled pile of ash.
JAKE: Well johnny boy, you know what they say! Hope for the best, prepare for the worst!
The world itself pauses to permit a wholesome laugh.
***
Harry Anderson and Vriska pack up at the end of a night at the skate park. Both are covered in sweat and new scrapes, but their faces are full of joy. Harry Anderson pulls Vriska over to him and kisses her passionately. She puts her forehead against his and laughs.
VRISKA: You’re so f8cking amazing, Harry Anderson. I love the shit out of you!!!!!!!!
HARRY ANDERSON: i feel the same way, and i...i’ve got something to ask?
Vriska suddenly looks sad and looks away from him awkwardly.
VRISKA: Please don’t ask that, Harry Anderson. You know how I feel a8out...concupiscence. I’m just not ready for something like that yet.
HARRY ANDERSON: oh no! no no no no! oh god no! i mean, not that i don’t think about that but no. i know! i mean...no! unless ? no!
HARRY ANDERSON: i was just going to ask if you wanted to go to the end of year dance with me. i mean we’ve been together for almost four years now...but you’ve also been with tavros the entire time, and while i guess you probably just want to take us both, maybe...i would just rather...you take me? alone? just the two of us?
VRISKA: Harry Anderson........
HARRY ANDERSON: please? i’m your matesprit, right? i’m the one you actually like!
Vriska bites her lip. Her eight pupils look to him to down at her feet.
VRISKA: You really don’t get it, do you?
HARRY ANDERSON: not really, no. i just want to be your boyfriend, vriska. that’s all i want. just me and you.
VRISKA: That...I........
Vriska turns away from him angrily.
VRISKA: I need t8 go think! Ugh, H8rry Anders8n!!!!!!!! Why did y8u have to ruin such a GOOD N8GHT with y8ur ST8PID INSECUR8TIES!!!!!!!!
She stalks off fuming. Harry Anderson reaches out for her.
HARRY ANDERSON: wait, vriska! i just...i’m sorry.
He kicks his backpack before picking it up, and takes out his phone to text his dad to let him know it’s time for him to go home.