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When we first see Karkat he’s making extra-triple sure that he actually hung up on Kanaya for real this time, when the action of tuning his outdated wristwatch gets interupted by another earthquake rumbling around him. This one sounded different, however; he knew the sound of a drone strike like the back of his hand by now. It’s a low, creeping bellow that pulses through the ground in waves--this sounds more like an impact that left a crater. The last time something had struck the planet that hard, it was Jade’s creepy undead corpse.
Karkat ran for the nearest exit and cautiously poked his head out into the clearing above. There’s a figure in the smoke: her stumbling silhouette included an unmistakable pair of horns. She took two steps out of her crater before falling flat on her face again. Karkat ran to help her, putting her arm over his shoulders and dragging her out of the dust cloud from the impact.
KARKAT: MEENAH??
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?
Meenah blinked up at him with a pair of eyes that seemed different to him somehow, but he couldn’t put his finger on it. He had to admit, it’s been a long time since he saw her. She seemed singed, woozy, but mostly undamaged.
MEENAH: woah shouty mcnubs that you
KARKAT: UH, THAT’S STILL NOT MY NAME. BUT YEAH.
MEENAH: nice
KARKAT: WHATEVER HAPPENED TO FIGHTING LORD ENGLISH?
KARKAT: DID THAT WORK OUT OR... WHAT?
MEENAH: nah it was a total wash
KARKAT: OH.
Karkat continued inspecting her without much concern for coming across as weird. He knew something was off about her, he just couldn’t figure out what. Then a reflective gleam caught his eye. A gold ring on her finger. He glanced back up to look in her eyes. They aren’t blank, like all the other fallen ghosts’ eyes are.
KARKAT: WAIT A MINUTE.
KARKAT: ARE YOU...
KARKAT: ALIVE???
MEENAH: yeah bitch
MEENAH: im back 38)
KARKAT: WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GET THAT RING?
KARKAT: WAIT, YOU DIDN’T...
KARKAT: MEENAH, DID YOU ROB CALLIOPE?!
MEENAH: who
KARKAT: THE GIRL WITH THE HIDEOUS GREEN SKULL FOR A HEAD.
KARKAT: THAT WAS HER RING. I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION SHE NEEDED THAT TO LIVE!
MEENAH: oh
MEENAH: nah man
MEENAH: its not hers i got it from some other total sucker
KARKAT: WHO???
MEENAH: dont matter
MEENAH: jus some rude blue chump who up and gave it to me
Karkat didn’t register the first line of the fic that has been substantially changed from canon and continued.
KARKAT: MEENAH, ARE YOU FUCKING LYING TO ME.
MEENAH: nubs i wouldnt do that to you
MEENAH: not after all this time
MEENAH: ya girls fine this shits my own damn ring
MEENAH: capisces?
KARKAT: HEY, WHAT’S THAT?
He pointed at a string tied to the ring.
MEENAH: dunno
She pulled on it, and the other end was a capchalogue card.
MEENAH: i cant believe dat bitch used me like a mule fish
Karkat capchalogued the card in his sylladex, then pulled out the tablet with its flash drive. He turned it on, clicked on the file titled “play me first,” and saw a bunch of relatively young familiar faces.
(JUNE): hey karkat greetings from two star earth! (that’s a whole thing but it’s not important right now--there’s files on here if you’re interested.)
(DAVE): i still say that designation makes this place sound like a shitty motel chain
(JUNE): anyway, i am john, but i’m a girl now, and my name is june. that was a whole big thing as well--well, i suppose not so much for me as for certain other junes, but we’re getting off topic.
(KARKAT): OH MY GOD WOULD YOU GET TO THE POINT? I’M SURE OLDER HOBO ME WOULD RATHER LIKE TO DO SOMETHING ELSE WITH HIS DAY OTHER THAN THIS.
KARKAT: WHO ARE YOU CALLING A HOBO?
(KARKAT): SPEAKING OF WHOM--DON’T YELL AT THE SCREEN, DUNKASS! WE CAN’T ACTUALLY HEAR YOU AND YOU’RE MAKING A FOOL OF YOURSELF. JUST SIT YOUR ASS DOWN AND LOOK PRETTY, TROLL CHE GUEVARA.
KARKAT: THEN HOW DID YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING?
(KARKAT): SHENANIGANS. SERIOUSLY THOUGH, OTHER PEOPLE HAVE TO WATCH THIS RECORDING AND I WOULD RATHER NOT FORCE THEM TO WATCH ME BURNING YOU ONE-SIDEDLY ANY MORE THAN IS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY.
Karkat thought about retorting, but thought better of it.
(KARKAT): YEAH, THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT!
(DAVE): look the deal is this out here in the real polyverse (which is a collection of multiverses--we got a whole classification system here in the ts!pocket dimension) the whole sequence of events between stepping foot on earth c and the creation of what we call the candy timeline--which is where you are--basically no longer exist and may have never actually happened in the first place
(DAVE): but the thing is that the candy timeline is partially defined by its non-canonicity and irrelevance so you still exist even though the earth c were going to make when were done learning how to create real governments that arent fucked up is going to hopefully be a million times better than what a bunch of dumbshit teens with little to no formal education thought might work
(DAVE): the thing im trying to say is that your little black hole pocket dimension is basically irrelevant to anything thats happening out here in the real world but were feeling philanthropical so were going to do what little we can from out here to help you win this thing
(DAVE): which isnt much more than sending you this care package i guess
(DAVE): but man it is one HELL of a care package--
And we’ll leave this conversation here, because this story isn’t actually about the war; we just had some context to establish. This is indeed the Candy timeline, but not quite as we know it: When John attempted to contact Terezi there was no reply, because of course there was no Terezi scouring the Furthest Ring for her beloved. Lord English would not fall until later due to the battle not going quite the same as it did in the epilogues, and--and this part is critical--Vriska Serket would not fall at all.
Which in turn means that when Vriska Lalonde found Gamzee he was alone and alive and the bounty on his head still active.
~ ~ ~
Tavros’s phone rang and he hit answer.
VRISKA: Hey, it’s Vriska. I kinda Need a Ride.
Tavros hit the app to summon his flying car without looking at it.
VRISKA: Oh, and 8ring some Ropes. Strong ones.
TAVROS: What does that mean,
VRISKA: What do you mean what does that mean? It means turn off the Fucking Autopilot and get to speeding on over here to Find Out ;]
TAVROS: Okay, I’ll leave presently,
TAVROS: Oh,, where am I going,
VRISKA: Yeah yeah, I’ll send you the address. See you Soon.
And with that she hung up on him. She sent him GPS coordinates, not an address, and when his ostentatious prick-mobile landed he tossed an old garden hose of John’s in the back and started driving.
He could hardly believe his eyes when he got there and saw Vriska standing over Gamzee’s body.
TAVROS: Is he dead?
VRISKA: No, just Unconscious. I beat him into submission, then he made Lewd Sexual Overtures at me, and then I beat his ass some more.
TAVROS: Ok,
TAVROS: Are you, uh,, sure you don’t want to kill him?
VRISKA: I’m not a Murderer, Tavros!
VRISKA: Also, there’s no Bounty if he’s Dead and can’t Stand Trial.
TAVROS: Okay, but, like, how do you expect to be a soldier if you don’t murder people? Might be a good idea to, uh,, see if you have what it takes in a controlled circumstance, you know?
Vriska’s face softened and she gave him an almost pitying expression.
VRISKA: He’s never going to be able to Hurt You again, where he’s going. I Promise.
Tavros took a deep, shaky breath, and nodded. He grabbed the hose and did a graceful dive to the dirt a full storey below.
~ ~ ~
The two nervous kids stood in front of Karkat’s desk. He stared at them. They stared at him. Something was clearly eating at the leader of the rebellion.
KARKAT: …
KARKAT: SO, CONGRATULATIONS. YOU TWO DID EARTH C A GREAT SERVICE BY BRINGING THIS CRIMINAL TO JUSTICE.
VRISKA: Thank you, Sir.
KARKAT: …
KARKAT: SO...UH...SHOULD I SPLIT THE MONEY BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU, OR--?
TAVROS: That isn’t necessary, sir,
TAVROS: Vriska did all the work, All I did was drive her here,
KARKAT: IF YOU SAY SO.
Karkat made the transfer on his device. As they began to leave, he spoke up again.
KARKAT: LOOK, BEFORE YOU GO…
He looked directly at Tavros.
KARKAT: LOOK, I HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE ASKING THIS OF YOU, BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, IF A WEAPON THAT CAN BE USED AGAINST CROCKER LANDS ON MY DOORSTEP, I HAVE TO AT LEAST *CONSIDER* USING IT.
TAVROS: Are you planning on kidnapping me and ransoming me back to my mother, sir? Because--
KARKAT: NO! GOD NO! BUT...A LITTLE PROPAGANDA CAN GO A LONG WAY, AND BEING ABLE TO SAY THAT EVEN CROCKER’S SON CAN’T STAND HER WOULD MAKE FOR SOME GOOD PROPAGANDA.
TAVROS: Uh,, What did you have in mind?
KARKAT: HONESTLY, I DON’T KNOW. I’M TRYING TO THINK OF SOMETHING THAT GIVES US WHAT WE NEED WHILE STILL GIVING YOU SOME DEGREE OF DENIABILITY WITH YOUR MOM, BUT...THOSE TWO THINGS ARE HARD TO JUGGLE.
TAVROS: In that case, sir, I have my own idea, That, uh, I’ve been toying with for a long time,,,
VRISKA: Reeeeeeeeaaaaaaaally?
TAVROS: Yeah, It’s like,,, I think maybe this is a sign,,, like, everyone else around me is growing a spine, Even my dad by deciding to spy on my mom--
VRISKA: He’s doing WH8T????????
Karkat rubbed the bridge of his nose.
KARKAT: HE WAS SPECIFICALLY *NOT* SUPPOSED TO TELL ANYONE THAT.
TAVROS: To be fair, I don’t think he could stand the idea of me thinking he’d gone back on the only brave thing he ever did in his life,
TAVROS: But the point is,, this idea of mine, it does not strike any sort of balance between those two goals, It’s, uh,, kind of a big gesture,,,
~ ~ ~
There was a modest party to celebrate Vriska bringing in Gamzee in to be tried. Not too many kids, since this was supposed to be a secret rebel base, but Tavros and Harry Anderson were there. There was a small press contingent--a few of the less obnoxious and objectionable of the paparazzi that followed the children of the gods everywhere, as well as some reporters doing puff pieces for the rebellion news sites. Harry Anderson and Vriska’s parents were also in evidence. Not Tavros’, for obvious reasons.
Among the press there was some comment about Harry Anderson, and a lot of comment about Tavros being here. Eventually, Tavros decided that they had stewed for long enough. He stood and chimed hs glass as though he were about to give a toast, and everyone, whether they were in on it or not, began to quiet down. The reporters focused their cameras on him, sensing the imminent arrival of red meat.
TAVROS: I’d, uh, hate to overshadow Vriska at her own thing, but I have an announcement,
TAVROS: There’s a lot of people who think I would, or at least ought to, change my name to English should I break with my mother, This is an idea, that I can well see the logic behind, but the thing is, I have a better idea,
TAVROS: I’m sure you all know the lore,, about where the name English comes from, My father’s guardian Jade English changed her name to that, in order to antagonize the Condesce, because it was the name of something even she was afraid of, She was vaguely aware that Lord English was even worse than the Condesce, I think, but even had she known the whole story I think she would have done the same, because the Condesce was there and Lord English was not,
TAVROS: Jade English is the dancestor of one of my ancestors, so it is only fitting that I follow in her footsteps, But this is also fitting in another way,
TAVROS: Back on Earth B, humans spent a large portion of our history being too primitive to know about DNA, and so we needed a different way to track descent, Luckily, since ancestors are expected to act as lusae, there was a rather simple and obvious way to do this, Bloodlines could be mapped through chains of these relationships and used to determine inheritance, But see, even though they were created as a primitive attempt to ape genetic lines, they followed their own logic that was completely divorced from it--a noble’s bastard couldn’t inherit in spite of having the exact same genetic relationship to them as their acknowledged children, while on the flip side adopted children could in spite of having no genetic relationship at all, necessarily,
TAVROS: And my chain doesn’t end at Jade English, She was also raised by someone, Through her--through all of my lineages, in fact--I am descended from the Condesce, So this works on many levels,, is what I am saying,
TAVROS: I have decided to change my name, but not to English; I have decided that I want to be known as Tavros Peixes,
He nodded at Meenah.
TAVROS: With your permission, of course,
MEENAH: water-ver
MEENAH: its jus a name
~ ~ ~
KARKAT: YOU DID GREAT, KID.
TAVROS: Yeah,,,
KARKAT: THAT LITTLE SPEECH OF YOURS IS REALLY BLOWING UP.
TAVROS: Yeah,,,
KARKAT: ...ARE YOU OKAY?
TAVROS: ,,,Yeah, I,,, It just took a lot out of me, being, uh,, that outspoken and fake-confident,
TAVROS: I kinda just want to go lie down, maybe read a book,
KARKAT: OH! OF COURSE. JUST KNOW THAT IF YOU HAVE ANY OTHER IDEAS REGARDING...MEDIA PRESENTATION, I’M ALWAYS WILLING TO LISTEN.
TAVROS: Yeah, I’ve got a few,,,just,,,not right now,
KARKAT: RIGHT. OF COURSE. SEE YOU AROUND, KID.
Tavros went to the room they had prepared for him. It wasn’t much--a cuby with a cot and unpainted walls--but somehow more welcoming than the cavernous room he had at home. A room filled with nothing was better than a room filled with someone else’s expectations of what his life would be. Where he felt the ghosts of drunken fathers, distant mothers, and clowns who…
He lay on the cot and stared at the ceiling.
He wanted to testify at Gamzee’s trial, but it was hard to quantify just what he had done to him. He’d never been sexually abused, and yet he’d somehow always managed to give the impression that sexual abuse was imminent--even before Tavros should have been old enough to know what that was. He seemed to know exactly what to say to trigger every mental tripwire without ever actually being sexual in any way, like...like that wasn’t the point. The point was to make him suffer and squirm. And in the broader sense, to make everyone on Earth C suffer and squirm. And between his religious movement and having the ear of Tavros’ mother, he had certainly done that.
Tavros sighed. There was no point in sparing the public any of his dirty laundry after today. He’d dropped a bomb, and it behooved him to keep up the tempo.
TAVROS: What a day to be the first day of the rest of my life,
It wasn’t going to be an easy life. A life full of responsibility, airing out his family secrets for propaganda, and breaking his mother’s heart. But somehow, he felt freer than he ever had.