Archive of Our Own ^beta

Ouch, I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found
Yeah, I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

His name was Heat, he was twenty-four years old, and he had fucked up irreversibly.

It was strange to him, to think words and immediately know that while he didn’t understand just what they meant in terms of definition, he knew what they meant in context. The second-in-command of the Embryon didn’t know what ‘fucked up’ meant--not really--but he also knew that there was no other word in his inexplicably-expanding vocabulary to describe the situation in which he found himself.

Heat had been alone in their Serph’s quarters since the leader had left on his mission with Gale and Argilla--around an hour ago, maybe two--but he had somehow managed to completely destroy all but the foundations of the room in that short span of time. The bookshelves full of datapads and old, tattered books that the gray-haired man had been collecting ever since they awoke in the Sea of Milk had been pulled to the ground, breaking into crumples of sterile metal and ripped paper. The bed that they had shared so easily for karma knows how many years but so uneasily over the past few weeks had been torn apart: the frame kicked clean over; the sheets rumpled and torn; and the pillows flat from the loss of their feathers, which lay scattered about Heat’s feet as if he had somehow molted in his moment of rage hurt sadness anger rage sadness rage anguish rage help me Serph. Even the mattress itself had been gouged into red-stained tatters by Heat’s hands, already bleeding from how hard and mercilessly he had punched the walls, seemingly on a mission to dent every bit of siding he could see.

The worst part of the whole thing was that Heat couldn’t remember doing most of the damage. Standing there in the middle of the floor--clothing flecked with downy feathers, blood dripping from his knuckles onto the floor, and chest heaving for desperate breaths--Heat felt as if he had just awoken from a fever dream, remembering what had happened before in blurry and bright snapshots of emotion that made him want to retch.

All he knew was what caused his outburst, and the fact that he hadn’t even needed to transform into Agni to decimate the living quarters of the leader of their tribe, which--what the small, rational part of his brain managed to say through the thick and choking mist his thoughts had become--was probably for the best. If the red-haired man had been able to do this much damage to the room on his own, imagine the destruction he could have caused if he had activated his Atma. He could have possibly obliterated that section of the base.

The thought is both unspeakably hilarious and unfathomably sad, and it makes Heat laugh and laugh until he’s lightheaded and choking from sobs, the tears he had been shedding since Serph’s departure flowing even heavier down his cheeks. His legs felt weak and lifeless, and his head heavy with lead, and he found himself stumbling backwards until it collided with the dented wall closest to the door. The second-in-command gasped desperately as his knees buckled, and he slid without resistance to the floor, his head dipping between his bent legs as he heaved and panted for air. Black spots floated in front of his vision. He felt as if he would faint.

Help me. Such a weak and feeble sentiment, unsuited for the brutal demon of fire that so prided himself on his unparalleled strength, yet he found the words slipping from his lips all the same. Disgusting, disgusting ; he wanted to rip his damn tongue out and swallow it so he would not ever say them again.

Help me, Heat thought in spite of himself, wrapping his arms around his legs and keening into his iron-soaked mouth. It was the first time since his trsnsformation that the taste of blood made him sick. Help me, help me, help me, help me--

There was knocking at the door, and an aggravating, heavily-accented voice grating through his ears. He grit his teeth and squeezed his eyes shut.

“ Hey, Heat, brudda! Are ya okay in there?!” In a better state of mind, Heat would have felt guilty for causing the normally chipper Cielo to sound so concerned, but all he wanted in his current state of mind was for him to shut the fuck up and go away already; to go away before he could see just how badly Heat had lost his shit and fucked everything up. “ Seriously, man, talk to me! It sounded like a bomb was going off up here; ya scared Sera half to death!”

Sera. Heat’s gut twisted into whatever-the-fuck a pretzel was, and he was unable to stop himself from retching at the shame of having the girl he so adored see him in such a pathetic, miserable state--from seeing just how much of a loser Heat truly was. Heat had not devoured anything over the past twenty-four hours, so all that spilled from his lips was acid, dripping onto one of the torn pages of a book that had flown across the room.

Unfortunately, Cielo seemed to have heard the sound of Heat vomiting, given his uncharacteristic silence for an equally-uncharacteristically long period of time. For a moment, the red-haired man had even hoped that the blue-haired boy had given up and gone back to Sera. 

Gone back to protect her in every way I can’t--in every way I’ve failed.

“ Okay, man, enough’s enough.” If Heat hadn’t been drowning in despair, he would have been able to hear the fear in that normally jovial voice, but his current state of mind meant every sound--including his own coarse breath--sounded akin to nails grating on a chalkboard (whatever the flipity-fuck that was). “ If you’re not gonna open the door, then I’m gonna get some guys and break it down; so you’d better have it unlocked by the time I get back!”

The sound of footsteps running away from the room sounded like the shink of an executioner’s blade. Heat screamed and gagged all at once.

“ I’ve fucked up,” Heat whispered hoarsely, spitting dregs of acid from his mouth. “ I’ve so fucked up.”

It was all over: his position as second-in-command; his position as a feared and merciless monster on the battlefield ( strong enough to shield all those he held dear, vicious enough to rip out the throats of everyone in the Karma Temple if need be, massive enough to hide Sera from the rain and cruelty outside, hot enough to keep Serph warm); as the unfailingly loyal second-in-command of the Embryon; and as the person closest to the Leader, his right-hand man, the shadow at his back. The moment everyone found out just what Heat had done--saw what he had been reduced to--it would change as quickly as the light that had passed through their bodies, granting them strength and hunger in equal measure. 

What the fuck would happen to him oncd Cielo forced down that door? Exile, perhaps? Maybe even imprisonment. Or--and the thought made something curdle in Heat’s growling, aching stomach--maybe they would even devour him once they saw how useless he was. In the Junkyard, it was devour or be devoured, and Heat would not blame them if they saw him as nothing but a source of meat. A large part of him wished he could eat himself.

Better to be devoured than see Sera tremble with fear at my presence. Better to be devoured than to see the judgement on Gale’s face. Better to be devoured than to see the pity in Argilla and Cielo’s eyes. 

The tears wouldn’t stop. No matter how he rubbed and rubbed and rubbed his cheeks, skin sloughing off with the vigor of the scrubbing of his sleeve, they just wouldn’t stop. It was like that godforsaken eternal rain that made everything damp and musty and awful.

Better to be devoured than to see Serph look at me with those empty eyes.

Heat’s body was screaming in protest at its rough treatment. His limbs ached, his very flesh felt limp, his hands throbbed in time with the pulsing at his temples, and stomach was clenching around twenty-four hours worth of hunger and a deep, stabbing pain that burned as much as the pulsing and glowing red Atma mark on his bicep. Yet a quick glance to the window--long broken, with Heat having thrown Serph’s desk chair through the glass with a roar akin to Agni’s--gave Heat an idea and a shot of adrenaline, and he forced himself to his feet and staggered towards it. Black spots danced in front of his eyes, and he found himself swaying halfway past the remains of the bed, head swimming with so much dizziness that he feared he’d actually pass out. 

Agni righted him, however, and reminded him with a discontented growl that they were starving. It had been more than a day since Heat had last eaten, and if he didn’t eat something soon, his Atma reminded him, he would either starve to death or lose it like Jinana. She would have died if Sera had not shown up with Gale when she did, remember?

Fuck off, Heat snitted back internally. I’ll eat when I goddamn feel like it. At that moment, Heat felt as if he’d vomit if he even smelled food--ration, corpse, or otherwise--so he simply pushed the hunger pains and the growing agitation of his demon to the back of his mind.

They sky had darkened with dusk, leaving all but the lights of the base invisible to the human eye, and the temperature had dipped significantly. A blast of cool, wet air hit Heat in the face, clearing the dizziness from his head and the fuzz from his vision. For a moment, the second-in-command just stood there, breathing in the rain-drenched air and studying the twinkling lights of Muladhara. As Heat looked out towards the horizon, almost in a trance, he noticed how they thinned into something that reminded him of a glistening strand of spider silk. He didn’t even know what the fuck a spider was , but the analogy made sense to Heat, and he wasn’t even close to the right state of mind to ponder too much on the fact that his brain was full of so much useless shit.

Beyond the horizon--past the tip of the spider silk--lay Manipura, where Serph, Argilla, and Gale were having a late-night meeting with Jinana, hashing out the details of potential a two-pronged infiltration mission into the Brutes’ territory. They would be gone the entirety of the dark time (or night, as Sera called it), and when Serph returned in the morning, the apathy in those gray eyes would surely morph into disgust the moment he saw the mess Heat made of his personal quarters. The second-in-command of the Embryon prided himself on his fearless nature, but the thought of Serph coming to hate him scared him almost as much as the thought of losing Sera, stealing his breath and forcing him to grip onto the windowsill for support.

I have to get out of here. It was all Heat could focus on at that moment. I have to leave before Serph gets back. I can’t stand how he looks at me. I can’t.

There was the sound of hurried footsteps approaching the door, and Heat knew that he was almost out of time.

“ Heat, brudda! This is your last chance! Open ‘dis door before I have Dayus blow it open!”

Gritting his teeth, Heat heaved himself over the remnants of the window frame and jumped, not even noticing how the jagged remnants of the glass cut into the calloused pads of his palms. It was a three story drop--one that would have most likely caused him to break at least one ankle in the past--but even in its unfed state, Agni’s power flowed into the red-head’s legs, cushioning the blow as he landed feet-first on the pavement. He could hear faint thudding from above--the sound of Cielo and whatever rookies he’d rounded up trying to break down the door--and wondered if Sera was with them.

He transformed into Agni and ran.

When Serph and Heat had first emerged from the Sea of Milk, they had been together, and they had been together since.

Heat couldn’t remember the finer details of their lives before they met Sera: what tribe they were with before setting out on their own, how they formed the Embryon, how they’d obtained a living Bishop of all things, or even how they’d met Argilla and Cielo. The memories were there, of course, but they always seemed to be clouded with static whenever Heat tried to remember a specific time, place, or person. What he did know, however, was that Serph had been there every step of the way. Serph never went anywhere without Heat, and Heat was rarely seen without Serph, and it swiftly became one of the undisputed facts of the Junkyard. It was just as much of a Law as the Laws that once governed them--that there could be no Leader of the Embryon without his Second-in-Command. 

That was the way it had been until that fateful day at Ground Zero, and if Heat could turn back time, it was how he would have wanted things to remain.

It was not as if they had been completely emotionless before being infected with the demon virus. They had all experienced happiness, sadness, worry, and even annoyance; just because they had been as faded and muted as sun-bleached cloth didn't mean that such emotions were not genuine. Heat had still been impulsive--albeit less so--in the days before Sera changed their lives, and though passion had been impossible in their lives before, he had been happy to be at Serph’s side. 

Everything between them had been as natural as slipping into a pair of well-worn boots or cleaning and loading a rifle. Natural to occasionally link hands with Serph when they were alone and mulling over issues with the troops. Natural to hunt Serph down when he was ensconced in the minutiae of being a leader and all but force-feeding him a can of rations so he didn’t pass out on his desk. Natural to sleep in the same bed with him every night to protect him from both potential assassins and the strange dark-time paroxysms that made him sweat, shake, and gasp in his sleep as if little creatures were biting at his ankles underneath the covers. It was even natural to just...slot against him sometimes in private, holding him close and breathing in the strangely soothing scent that was unique to Serph, just to remind himself that they were alive and together; and that as long as Serph existed, then he could exist, too. 

Serph not only held him back just as tightly--albeit with more restraint than Heat’s dulled fervor--but he would seek Heat out just as much as Heat sought him for calm in the eternal storm of the Junkyard. Serph would press against him after waking up from a nightmare, thanking Heat for restoring the equilibrium of his sleep, and Heat would simply nod and curl around him as if he could protect him from the world by doing so. It was neutral, so painfully neutral, but it was synonymous with existence for Heat. It did not once cross his mind that other leaders and their seconds-in-command did not share meals or quarters, or sleep in the same bed, or even hold each other close in the shadowed, humming quiet of the hidden corners of Muladhara. It had just been Serph and Heat, Heat and Serph, and it was how they always were and how they always would be. Together, they made the Embryon, and there would be no Heat without Serph, no Serph without Heat, and no Embryon without either. It was Law in all but the Law.

Then, Sera had emerged from her mysterious cocoon, and Heat lost the one certainty of his life.

Something had broken in Heat when confronting Harley in Svadhistana, and what was once a slow simmer combusted into a raging wildfire of everything, blood boiling and brain burning from the flames of emotion that shot from his heart and set the rest of him ablaze. What was once dull was polished and shining, what was once bland was bitter and sour, and what was once a murmur became an air-raid siren braying in the back of his mind. It was too much and not enough all at once, and while devouring the corpses of his enemies would calm the raging typhoon of emotions for a time, it would inevitably reform with just as much power as before. Really, he would have thought something was wrong with him if Argilla hadn’t become just as irrational and erratic as he had, and if Cielo and Gale hadn't shown early signs of becoming more than themselves. It was the demon virus, not Heat being fucking... defective or deranged or something.

Long talks with Sera had helped tremendously when it came to piecing together just what the fuck he was feeling and why. From her, he learned that there were far more emotions than those that were possible than before. Instead of happiness, there was joy, giddiness, excitement, amazement, and pleasure. Sadness was just that, but it was also despair, misery, anguish, devastation, and ‘broken-heartedness’. Anger was the most familiar feeling to Heat, and he delighted at Sera’s different descriptions of the emotion, being able to slowly define his own frustration, impatience, disquiet, and disbelief from the childish yet endearing stories she still remembered. Heat embraced his new ability to experience emotion with the same voracity that he embraced his ‘curse’: full-speed ahead, with no hesitation, reservation, or regret. It was kill or be killed, devour or be devoured, and feel or feel nothing.

...that was, until he realized something had changed with Serph.

He first noticed a shift in his feeling towards his leader during his abrupt summoning to the Karma Temple with the rest of the leaders. In the past, he had simply waited patiently for Serph to return, although he was always interested in what went on in Sahasrara when he wasn’t allowed to accompany him. On that particular occasion, however, not even his fascination with Sera could distract him from just how jittery he was feeling: jittery and impatient and...and... something. The hours had passed, and Heat found himself pacing through the base like a caged animal, biting the heads off of any soldier that dared to approach him or ask if he needed any assistance. Not even Gale--who was only doing his job of monitoring the mental and physical condition of his superiors--had been spared from Heat all but jumping down his throat when he dared to ask if he was feeling ill.

Heat had felt concern before his awakening, but as the light turned to dark and Serph had still not appeared, the red-head had felt worry for the first time in his life. When Serph eventually entered the briefing room after what felt like an eternity, it had taken all of Heat’s willpower to not run up and hug the man in front of everyone, and he couldn’t keep himself from pulling Serph aside the first chance he had and holding him as if something would rip him away if he had let go. Serph had hesitated at first--clearly confused--but then wrapped his arms around Heat as always, and the second-in-command felt something heavy and light all at once shift in his chest.

Relief, is what Sera had told him he had felt the next day; yet it had somehow been far more than that, and Heat found himself reeling in a way he had never before experienced.

The normal began to grow abnormal. All of the once routine and comfortable behaviors he had participated in with Serph suddenly became far too much and yet not enough all at once, and Heat found himself not knowing what the fuck to do with his leader. Lying in bed with him was now painfully awkward, and Heat had found himself lying at the far edge of the bed while Serph slept, wanting to hold him closer than he ever had before, yet being too afraid to reach out and pull him close. Whenever they hugged, Heat found himself wishing he could embrace him so tightly that they would melt into each other, which never failed to make Heat push him away and stomp off grumbling. Whenever Serph touched his hand, Heat’s heart felt as if it would burst out of his chest, and a smile with a catch of the eye would make his limbs shiver and palms sweat.

He kept it to himself, however, believing that it was a temporary illness brought about by his change. Yet no matter how satiated he kept Agni, the strange fluttery, jittery, unbearable feeling felt around Serph only got worse, and Heat found himself at a loss for what to do.

Then the failed raid on Anahata happened, and as Heat watched Argilla cradle Jinana in her arms, crying and begging for her to hold on as Sera sang her insanity away, he realized--with a jolt akin to being hit with a lightning chakra--that he would feel the same way if Serph was dying in his arms. 

It had been that revelation that had made him seek out Sera, who had been in the middle of trying and failing to convince Argilla to leave Jinana’s bedside, and together they walked hand-in-hand through Manipura as he tried, failed, but eventually succeeded at describing every confusing thing he had been feeling for Serph.

Heat had expected Sera to simply laugh in that darling little way of hers and tell him that he was being delightfully silly, but she instead whirled around and took both of his hands in hers, eyes wide and shining and mouth dropped into a little ‘o’ of surprise.

“ Heat,” she breathed, “are you trying to say that you’re...in love with Serph?”

The moment the word ‘love’ left her lips, Heat felt a missing piece of the puzzle slide into place, and he exhaled as if he had been holding his breath for the past few weeks.

“ Is that the word?” He whispered hoarsely, hands trembling in Sera’s grip. “ Is that what I’m feeling for Serph? Love?”

“ I...I can’t think of anything else it could be!” The shock slowly faded from Sera’s face, leaving behind a smile that could only be described as ecstatic , and she bounced back and forth on her heels as if barely able to contain her delight. It made Heat want to pick her up and spin her around until she squealed in happiness. “ Oh, Heat, you’re in love with Serph...just like Argilla is in love with Jinana! How delightfully romantic it all is!”

Heat laughed nervously and let go of her left hand to rub the back of his neck with his right. “ Hey, take it easy, Sera...I don’t even really know what love means. ”

“ Oh, describing love is hard, Heat...but I think I can do it! I may not remember much from before I came to the Junkyard, but I remember stories, and songs, and movies, and--”

So she explained as best she could, waxing awkward yet earnest rhapsodic about what was apparently one of the most coveted yet mistreated emotions able to be experienced by sentient beings; and by the end of what turned out to be a three-hour stroll, Heat found himself certain that he not only loved Serph, but Sera as well…even if both types of love felt very different from each other. 

--and even if she was too scared of him to love him back. At least she could open her heart to Serph. At least he could take care of her.

Well, even if he had a word that somehow encompassed all of the confusing-as-fuck shit he felt for Serph (which was a relief, really, because Heat had been genuinely worried for a time that he might have just wanted to actually eat Serph really, really badly), it didn’t mean that he was going to tell Serph about it. After all, as Sera had so gruesomely illustrated, love was often not reciprocated; and not only that, but confessing one’s feelings to one that did not feel the same would oftentimes ruin the relationship, and. Well. Heat wasn’t going to dare risking what he had with Serph. If Heat kept things the way they had been in the past, then they would still be Heat and Serph, and they would be together until the end no matter what

Even if Heat wanted to scream whenever he saw the more open members of the army touch Serph’s arm and come up close to his side during conversations, even if found himself looking at Serph’s lips and fearing that he would die if he didn’t press his own to them (something Sera had called a kiss, which seemed like a weird idea when she described it, but grew nicer and nicer the more he thought about it), even if he wanted Serph to hold him with the same desperation that he felt, Heat would stay silent. He would get over it. He would be okay. Everyone would be okay.

...but of course, in true Heat fashion, he had to go and fuck everything up.

 
“ So you expect me to sit here and twiddle my thumbs while you waltz into enemy territory?!”

They were arguing when it happened. It was not as if Serph and Heat had not had their fair share of disagreements in the past, and outside of Heat’s more volatile emotions leaving him more prone to outbursts of anger and confusion than before, not much had changed about the topics that made the normally copacetic pair butt heads.

Yet when Serph informed his second-in-command that he was going to head to Manipura with Argilla and Gale to hold a secret meeting with Jinana, and that Heat was to remain at Muladhara with Cielo and Sera, something inside of the hot-headed lieutenant had snapped.

“ Don’t look at me like that Serph,” Heat snarled, jabbing his finger into Serph’s chest while the taciturn leader simply stared at him with a particularly infuriating expression of mild confusion. “ You know exactly why I’m angry! You saw how eager Bat was to turn on Jinana, and up until a month or so ago, Jinana was just as much our enemy as Bat! You don’t think honestly the thought of betraying us has never crossed her mind, do you?!”

Serph shook his head and raised his hands. Jinana is our comrade, he signed. I trust her.

Heat grit his teeth and resisted the urge to scream. “ Okay, whatever, so you trust this woman we’ve known all of a few weeks! Fine, sure, that’s fantastic. So just send Argilla and Gale over there themselves! It’s not as if Argilla hasn’t been waiting for a chance to go mack on her girlfriend! Why the hell do you have to go yourself?!”

Jinana may take my lack of presence as a sign of mistrust . Serph was as calm and flat-faced as usual when explaining his position, and Heat was more than used to it by now...so why was the cool neutrality Heat had once admired making him feel sick to his stomach? She herself was ‘trapped’ in our base while she recovered from the attack at Anahata, so why should I not make the same show of vulnerability in return?

“ Because she shouldn’t have been in that position in the first place, and neither should you!” Unable to control himself, Heat lurched forward and grabbed Serph’s shoulders, all but shaking him in the midst of a desperation that was making him spiral out of control. “ At least I was with you when we went to make that stupid truce the first time, and I was able to help keep you safe...so why leave me behind this time?!”

Serph simply blinked and smiled in that infuriatingly gentle way of his.

If the worst were to happen and Jinana were to betray us, Serph signed, I need someone here that I can trust to lead the Embryon in my absence. You’re my second-in-command, Heat, and there is no one else I’d trust with leading our men if I were to die. You’re irreplaceable.

Heat couldn’t take it anymore.

“ You’re the irreplaceable one, you idiot! You’re our leader!” Heat could practically feel smoke curling from his nostrils as he backed Serph up towards the window. He still looked confused, still looked sangfroid, and he just wanted Serph to look at him. It was strange, so fucking strange, because Serph was looking at him. He was looking Heat right in the eyes, and yet he wasn’t , and it made Heat want to claw the skin off of his arms.

“ Do you know what would happen to us if anything were to happen to you, Serph?!” In any other situation, Heat would have been appalled at how vulnerable he sounded in that moment, but he couldn’t care less while in the throes of a passion he had once been unable to name. “ Do you...do you know what would happen to me?!”

Serph’s eyes widened ever so slightly. Heat’s fingers dug painfully into his shoulders.

“ We can’t lose you, Serph!” Something hot and dangerous pressed into Heat’s eyes. “ I can’t lose you, so don’t you dare leave me behind and expect me to go along with it!”

“ Heat, calm down” Serph whispered, and he still didn’t understand, and Heat couldn’t take it, he couldn’t, he couldn’t he couldn’t he--

“ Don’t you get it, you idiot?!” Heat wrapped his arms around Serph’s back and crushed the off-balanced man to his chest. “ I need you here with me! I love you!”

Silence. All Heat could hear for the next few seconds was the sound of Serph’s slightly ragged breathing and the rain pattering against the window. He couldn’t even hear his own heartbeat pounding in his ears.

“ Heat…” Serph’s voice, as squeaky and rough as any unused instrument, was still gentle and sweet in Heat’s ears. “ What are you talking about?”

Heat’s stomach dropped into his feet.

“ I…”

The second-in-command released his leader, who simply took a few steps backwards to better see the other man, his hands coming up to adjust his battle suit. Heat could only stare for a few moments.

Serph...didn’t look affected at all.

“ I...I love you, Serph.” Heat’s voice ripped through his throat like Agni’s claws through Bat’s wing. “ I love you.” Those gray eyes were staring into his own, and they were as kind as assuming as they had been, as they always were. His lips were neutral, his jaw relaxed, and Heat felt his lungs fill with something sticky and viscous as he took a deep, gulping breath. “ Don’t you...don’t you feel anything for me? Anything at all?”

Serph blinked and frowned thoughtfully. A few seconds passed in silence.

Then, the leader of the Embryon shook his head.

“ I don’t know what you’re talking about. You are my comrade, Heat. That is all.”

The floor fell out from beneath Heat’s feet.

“ Ah.” Heat didn’t even realize he was speaking until the sound of his words reached his ears. It almost felt as if he had turned to stone, unable to do anything but look into Serph’s eyes--those gray eyes that looked as dormant and distant as they ever had. It was a realization that brought Heat’s world down around his ears.

Serph was not seeing him. He never had.

“ Ah, forget about it, okay?” Heat didn’t know what he’d do if he kept staring into those eyes--those eyes that he could stare into forever, but would only ever see him as the loyal cannon-fodder he was. “ I’ve just been...on edge after everything.” He crossed his arms over his chest and gripped his forearms as he turned his head to look at the wall. He focused his gaze on a small spot of tarnish as if it would keep him from splitting open at the seams. “ Just...go to Manipura, okay? I’ll hold down the fort here...as always.”

Heat could still feel that gray gaze lingering on him, and it made him feel as if Varuna was blowing its icy breath all over his skin, burning and numbing him all at once. Heat would have given anything to feel numb once more.

“ We’ll talk about this when I get back, okay, Heat?” Serph’s voice was gentle, and there was a soft hand on his shoulder, but Heat couldn’t bear to turn and look at him. He didn’t know what he’d do if he did.

“ Yeah. Sure.” Heat nodded curtly and shrugged Serph’s hand off of his shoulder. “ Stay safe, okay? Soldiers are...new soldiers are always available, but a leader is irreplaceable.”

Please don’t leave me, Serph , Heat silently begged. Please don’t walk away. Please don’t leave me behind. Just look at me, Serph...just once. That’s all I need.

Sera was of the firm belief that god could hear her prayers, but if such a being existed, he was deaf to Heat’s own. Serph’s hand simply dropped itself from his shoulder, and then there were footsteps walking away from him, and the sound of the door sliding open--

“ We’ll discuss this, Heat. I promise. Until then...maybe you should sleep in your own room. Just until we sort things out. Okay?”

--and then the door shut, and Heat was alone, and it was all over.

It’s all over.

In the sickening minutes that followed Serph’s departure, Heat lost all sense of time and place, and the sky was far darker outside of the window when he finally came to his senses. 

He doesn’t care.

Bitterness coated his tongue, his skin felt like it was crawling with ants, and there was the distinct sensation of dampness sliding down his cheeks. The tarnished spot at the wall was still there, unchanging, unyielding, as lifeless and cold as those eyes--

He never cared.

Heat screamed, and screamed, and screamed , and he finally knew the meaning of despair as he picked up the foot locker at the base of the bed with both hands and swung it at the spot with all of the strength in his body, cleaving through the metal siding as if it were tissue paper.

Hours, minutes, and seconds flew by in an instant, leaving nothing but snapshots of pain, wet, and dark in their wake. Yet eventually, Heat found himself at some ruins quite a ways out of Muladhara, slumped against the wall of what was once a building as he watched that damn eternal rain fall from the sky.

You’re going to starve to death; you realize that, right? Agni growled lowly in Heat’s chest. Heat rolled his eyes.

“ Whatever. It’s your fault that I’m like this in the first place.” Heat groused, eyes fixated listlessly on the sky he couldn’t see. He could have sworn that at one time, it had been blue, but it had been nothing but gray and cloudy since his awakening in the sea. It was yet another addition to the list of ‘shit he shouldn’t know but did’, including Sera and at least seventy-five percent of the concepts and words going through his head. Or something like that. He had never been good at math.

You’re bleeding , Agni remarked. Heat looked at the hands splayed in his lap and shrugged.

“ Of course I’m bleeding. It’s what happens when you punch metal over and over again.”

Annoyance radiated off of Agni in waves. If he had eyes, Heat was sure he’d be rolling them back into his skull.

You’ve hurt yourself, Heat. Look at your stomach.

“ My...stomach?” Heat mumbled.

It took a few moments for him to even look down at his belly, but once he did, he could faintly make out the sight of a large, dark spreading spot on his uniform. Huh. Strange.

“ How did that happen?” Heat’s eyes flicked down to the ground around him, where--thanks to the enhanced vision that he had developed since gaining at Atma--he was able to see that the concrete around him was also darker than it should be--almost as if a puddle of something other than water was spreading out around him.

Was that...blood?

When you tore down the bookshelf, one of the points of the top caught in your stomach when it fell, Agni helpfully supplied. Cut a large gash through it as it went. It knocked you back, remember?

Heat listlessly shook his head against the concrete wall. No, he didn’t; just like he didn’t remember another large but inaccurate percentage of what had happened after Serph had left.

“ Why didn’t you heal me?” Heat accused. Agni, again, seemed to roll his nonexistent eyes.

You’re hungry, Heat. If I had food, I could have healed the wound, but at this rate I don’t think I can keep you from bleeding out for much longer.

Heat glanced down at the slowly but surely widening puddle of blood. Yeah, that made sense.

Is this how it ends, Heat? Agni’s voice was uncharacteristically soft and level. Even his distinctive ‘verbal’ growl was next to nothing. Is this how you want to die?

Heat looked back up at the sky. Dark, flat, lifeless...as lifeless as Serph’s eyes.

“ Better than being eaten,” the second-in-command finally decided, letting his eyes slipped closed and his hand fall to rest on his now acutely throbbing stomach. How had he not noticed that before? He really was thick. “ Better than having to have Serph look at me like that again.” Something between a laugh and an anguished groan spilled from his shivering lips. “ Figures that everything I feel for him gets turned up to eleven, whereas everything he may have felt for me just...goes away. Or maybe...maybe it never existed in the first place. Maybe I am just a weird freak.”

Perhaps it was the growing fuzziness of his mind as he continued to drip blood onto the abandoned battlefield, but Heat could have sworn he felt waves of sympathy rolling off of Agni, as if he was trying to soothe him in some manner. It was...comforting. It truly was. It was nice to know that he wasn’t going to possibly (probably, let’s be real) die alone.

“ Who do you think will take my place once I die?” It was getting harder and harder for Heat to keep his eyes open, but he still couldn’t look away from the sky, as if he was irrationally hoping that it would turn to blue before they closed forever...just once. “ Definitely not Cielo, but I think...Argilla, probably. Gale’s too happy as a strategist and isn’t flexible enough to throw his hat into the ring.” He laughed mirthlessly and shrugged. “ She’ll be a good second-in-command...especially since she’s not in love with Leader. Means she won’t fucking lose her marbles over him like I did.”

By now, Serph and the rest would have surely called it a night, and Serph would be asleep in his bed, dreaming of electric sheep and not thinking about Heat at all. The desire to be held by Serph at that thought was so potent and overwhelming that it brought tears to his eyes again, so he quickly turned his thoughts to what Gale was doing, correct in his assumption that picturing the Bishop going over data and algorithms and calculations and shit until his body all but forced him to sleep would drop his blood pressure back down to normal levels. Yeah, Gale would be doing his usual boring strategy shit until he passed out over whatever desk they had him set up at, Serph would be dreaming safe and free from Heat and his drama, and Argilla…

Argilla…

“ They slept in the same bed together, you know, while Jinana was recovering in the medical bay.” Between the barely-coherent mumbling of his building delirium and the droning of the rain in his ears, Heat could barely understand his own words, but he knew Agni would understand. “ Do you think they’re sleeping in the same bed now? Do you think Jinana is holding Argilla as tightly as I wished Serph would hold me? Do you think they’ve kissed?” 

Agni rumbled in distant amusement in Heat’s chest, bringing a faint smile to his lips. 

“ Yeah, you’re right, stupid question. Of course they’ve kissed; they could barely keep their hands off each other the entire time Jinana was in Muladhara, even when discussing official business. Probably’ve done a lot of other things, too.” The images and ideas were vague, but the idea of doing such vague yet pleasant things with Serph was...nice, even if the hurt that followed felt like swallowing glass shards. “ God, I’ve been so pissed off at Argilla for being stupid about her girlfriend, when really...I was just jealous of what she had, wasn’t I?”

Probably, Agni agreed. The demon sounded almost...mournful; though whether it was from Heat’s despair or the knowledge they would probably die soon, Heat couldn’t even guess. He had limited fucks to give in the first place, and now that the blood that supplied oxygen to his brain was literally draining away, he found himself in even shorter supply than normal.

...save for a few things.

“ I hope Cielo didn’t show Sera the room,” Heat whispered, feeling hot wetness spill from the corners of his closed eyes. At least the rain would wash the tear stains from his corpse. “ He probably just told her that I was throwing up everywhere or something and ushered her back to her room. He’s probably busy with the rookies trying to clean everything up before Serph gets back...which is nice of him, but it’s not like Serph is gonna be angry at them. If anything, he’ll be annoyed at me, since it was my fault I couldn’t keep my shit in check.”

Heat thought of Serph: his hands, that little ‘Mona Lisa’ smile of his (note to self: ask Sera what the hell that term meant exactly if he ever saw her again), his careful touch, those eyes that--as blank as they had been--were always reassuring. Whenever Serph looked at you with those eyes, spoke to you with his hands or words as soft as his touch, you knew everything was going to be alright. No matter how hairy things got on the battlefield, Heat had known that as long as Serph was at his front or back, he had nothing to fear. Heat was Serph’s right hand, but Serph was his left. His left hand, his left lung, the left chamber of his heart…

If half of yourself was ripped away, Heat wondered, would you die from the trauma and loss? It certainly didn’t feel like it was the exsanguination killing him at that point.

“ Sorry you got saddled with a hot-headed loser like me, Agni,” Heat apologized as he finally lost the fight to keep his eyes open. His limbs felt limb and hollow. “ You deserved better.”

You were my partner. I have no regrets.

Heat sobbed but clenched his lips shut before any other sounds could escape. How humiliating it would be if his noises made some random asshole come over to see what was going on.

“ I wish I could see him, Agni...I wish I could see him one last time.” Heat felt his head craning to the right and let it go. “ I always wanted...to die in his arms…”

I’m sorry, Heat.

“ Me too, Agni,” Heat slurred. " Me too."

Time flowed as easily as the sloshing pools of the birthing grounds in the precarious space just before the end of life. It was in that luminal space--where Heat could no longer feel the rain on his skin or the pain in his stomach--where Heat waited for whatever was to happen. Sometimes he would come dimly back to consciousness, just enough to register the fact that yes, he was still alone, and yes, it was still raining, and yes, he was still bleeding out, and he would almost immediately will himself back into that state of semi-consciousness. 

In that space, he was with a Serph that smiled with his eyes and touched his cheek the way he had seen Argilla touch Jinana’s many times before. Sera was there, too, and she would eagerly smile and run up to him and hug him first, and she would no longer tense up like a board whenever he attempted to do the same. There was a beach there, and a blue sky, and a city with clean white spires in the distance, and he and Serph would walk with Sera on the sand, hand in hand with the girl between them as they talked about everything and anything. Sometimes they would even be on the deck of something Heat could only call a ‘ship’, and they would watch the waves lap against the hull as the sun set in the distance, Serph’s arm around Heat’s waist as they watched and laughed at Sera attempting to touch the seagulls that flew by.

The best visions, however, were the ones where the rest of the group was there. Sometimes Heat and Serph would be sitting under a giant sun umbrella on the beach, hands laced together as they watched the rest of the Embryon enjoy the sand and the sun and the salty ocean air. Sera and Cielo would make sandcastles close to the edge of the beach and bet on which one would last the longest when the tide came in; Jinana and Argilla would be swimming together in the surf, atlernating between splash-fighting each other and picking the other up and spinning them around before dunking them in the water; and Gale would be meticulously collecting seashells, explaining to a disinterested Cielo and a very interested Sera as to the origin of the original creature and the finer details of their life cycles. The Bishop would then give the prettiest shells to Sera, and she would hug whatever part of him was in reach before gingerly taking them from his hands, promising to make friendship bracelets for them all with the ‘precious gift’.

Then Serph would laugh and look at Heat as if he was one of the most precious things he had ever seen, running a finger over his second-in-command’s lips, and oh. Oh . If these hallucinations were as close as Heat would get to Nirvana, then he hoped he would be able to stay there for an eternity, with his family. With his daughter. With his other half.

It was sweeter than any demon Heat had sunk his teeth into since his awakening. It was the taste of life.

It was at the tail end of one of these dreams--where Sera had been suggesting they all play beach volleyball and the rest of them trying to find a gentle way to insist to her that they never wanted to play that game ever again--when he heard the footsteps.

Then he heard the voice.

“ Heat…?"

Abruptly, Heat was pulled from the beach and back onto the cold, muddy, nighttime battlefield, and his heart somehow found the energy to lurch in his chest as he recognized that voice.

“ Serph…”

As weak as he was, Heat managed to force his eyes open with Agni’s help, and he weakly lifted his head just enough to see the leader of the Embryon standing a few feet away from him. Serph’s mouth was slightly open, eyes wide, and there was...something on his face...something Heat had never seen before. Maybe it was the blood loss or the pain, but Heat would have sworn that Serph was this close to actually appearing horrified.

Why, though? He had made it perfectly clear to Heat that he was nothing more than a comrade (and not a comrade in the sense that Jinana and Argilla used). Either way, Heat was relieved to see him, and his lips weakly turned up into something that could have either been a smirk or a smile.

“ You’re too damn slow…” He rasped. “ I almost fell asleep.”

Serph’s eyes widened even further, and the last fumes of Heat’s strength wafted from his body, forcing his eyes to close and his head to drop back to his right shoulder. He was so tired. What was Serph even doing here? He was supposed to be in Manipura, and as fast as Heat could run in demon form, he doubted he could have traveled that far with his blood loss. Why was he here? Why was he here ? Heat hadn’t wanted Serph to see him like this--would have rather killed himself than to have Serph see him like this--

--but he was so glad to see him. He had been so afraid he would die without seeing Serph one last time.

An eternity seemed to pass in an instant. The air itself seemed to shift. Then there were hurried footsteps, followed by the sound of something hitting the damp ground next to Heat, and familiar hands gripping his shoulders. Even if Heat had the strength to resist, to be held by Serph one last time was all he could ask for, so remained limp and allowed himself to be maneuvered by his leader until he was cradled in his arms. With what felt like an unreasonable amount of effort against an insurmountable force, Heat opened his eyes, but all he could see was a blurry image that he could just make out as Serph’s face. He forced his right hand to come up and rest on Serph’s shoulder.

“ This isn’t...your fault...understand?” Heat felt as if he was more dirty, damp towel than man, but he still managed to force a satisfactory amount of determination into his force. He shook Serph’s shoulder with has much force he could muster--which wasn’t a lot, but it was something. “ This is my...my deal and only my deal. It was my choice to lose it, so don’t...don’t think you’re responsible.” A lump formed in Heat’s throat, and it took a second or two to force words through the thin space left behind. “ You can’t control how I react...you got that?”

“ Heat…” Serph clutched him close to his chest, and man ; if this was the way he was going to die, then it wasn’t half bad. Serph was holding him as closely as Head had longed for, and it was all the red-haired man could have asked for, outside of the leader returning his feelings. It was all he was going to get. “ Heat, don’t talk...save your strength.”

“ Shut up, Serph.” There was wetness dripping on Heat’s face. Goddamned annoying rain. “ I don’t regret it, okay? I don’t regret a moment I spent with you. Even if...even if you don’t feel the same way as me, I wouldn’t change anything for the world…”

One of Serph’s hands came up to the hand Heat had rested on his shoulder, squeezing it in a trembling clamp. Heat let his eyes drift shut...just to rest them. Just to rest for a bit.

“ You don’t...have to feel the same, Serph.” Heat’s voice was as weak as the wind blowing over the decimated landscape. “ It’s okay. Just know that...I love you, okay? I really, really love you. I think I...I always have. Even before everything changed.”

Heat opened his eyes, and Serph was a blurry smudge above him, but...if Heat was going to die, he was going to die without regrets.

With the last of his and Agni’s strength, Heat moved his hand to rest on the back of Serph’s neck, pulled his head down towards him, and mashed his lips on the approximate location of Serph’s own. He guessed right.

Serph’s lips were even better than Heat had imagined. Cool, soft, and sweet, with a salty tinge to them that Heat hadn’t expected. The gray-haired man didn’t react, of course, but Heat hadn’t expected him to in the first place. Serph didn’t love him, after all, and this...this first and last kiss...it was nothing but the swan song of Heat’s selfish, fucked-up desire.

The strength left him, and Heat allowed himself to fall limply back into Serph’s arms, completely spent. He could hear Serph’s breath hitching and stuttering above him and felt a pang of guilt.

“ Sorry, Serph…” Heat tried to look at Serph but found he couldn’t open his eyes more than a gap. The sound of the rain and the feel of Serph’s arms around him was beginning to fade away. “ I just...wanted to know what it was like.” He didn’t even have the strength to swallow down the acid sloshing up his throat. “ It’s okay, now; I have no regrets.”

There was the sound of numerous footsteps coming closer...or maybe it was a hallucination. Heat gave Serph’s general direction one last smile. He was conscious enough for one last, important thing.

“ Take...take care of Sera, Serph.” He whispered. His hand flopped limply off of the back of Serph’s neck and smacked either onto the ground or on Serph’s knees. He couldn’t tell anymore. “ Tell her...tell her I’m sorry for always scaring her. You’ll...you’ll protect her. I know you will. Take her to Nirvana, Serph...and...and take her to the beach. Take her on a real boat. A big one. Take her far out on the ocean and show her the bluest sky you can. Do it for me…”

Heat could hear voices from what felt like miles away. Was that...Argilla calling for Serph? He could barely tell anymore; everything was starting to sound like a transmission from a string between two cans.

Huh. Guess he’d never know what that meant.

“ I don’t regret it, Serph, I...I don’t...regret…”

The wind was no longer blowing through his hair. The rain stopped dripping on his face. A roaring sound filled his ears, crescendoing into a cacophony that would have been deafening under normal circumstances. In the midst of the high-pitched wind and grinding metal that had become what was left of his sensory perception, Heat could have sworn he heard his comrades through the din. Argilla was shrieking in anger and grief through a malfunctioning walkie-talkie, sputtering and fritzing in and out of existence; Jinana was saying something that Heat couldn’t understand, but what could have only been some form of orders, given the firm, no-nonsense tone of her voice; Cielo was even farther away, but it was impossible not to hear at kid, what with that ridiculous accent and overbearing tone; and was that...was that Sera crying out for him?

Darkness smothered him, devouring him painlessly and completely, and what was left of the world slipped through Heat’s fingers. Agni fell dormant--the first time since fate and Sera had brought them together--and Varuna’s tortured wail was the last thing he knew.

There was darkness, the sensation of floating, then...nothing.

...and then there was rain pattering on the roof and windows.

Heat’s eyes felt as heavy as lead weights, but he forced them open all the same, blinking the world back into focus as his brain slowly and sluggishly tried to come to terms with the fact that he--somehow, some way--was not dead. The ceiling above him was brown rather than unpainted steel, indicating that Heat was not at Muladhara, and a cursory glance around the room revealed unused IV poles, pulled-back curtains, and powered-down monitors. He was in some kind of medical bay, then...but not the one at the Embryon base.

The brown was familiar, and with a jolt that woke Heat all of the way up, he realized that he was at the Maribel base in Manipura. How the fuck had he ended up in Manipura?

Dayus carried you here. Jinana gave him permission to enter Manipura’s airspace unhindered.

Heat’s body jumped slightly in the bed at the strange ‘voice’ in his head, but the lieutenant relaxed the moment he realized that it was Agni ‘speaking’ to him, albeit slightly grumpier and more unsettled than usual.

“ Dayus…?” Heat murmured, lifting his head just enough to see that he was clad in a black undershirt and pants, with the bandages wrapped around his abdomen peeking through the gap between waistband and hem. “ So that voice I heard was Cielo’s...but that means…”

Sera was there too , Agni confirmed Heat’s worst fears, cutting said host off before he could ask too many unnecessary questions. When Cielo broke through the door to Serph’s room, he saw all of the blood you’d left behind, and Sera almost immediately sensed your life was in danger. They flew together to Manipura and alerted Serph and Jinana, who immediately sent out a search party to find you. Sera was the one who pointed Serph in the correct direction, however, and it was he who found you first. Gale managed to narrow down your location and led Jinana, Argilla, and Cielo to you soon after.

“ Sera…” Heat whispered, letting his eyelids flutter closed as he digested the fact that not only had his leader seen him in such a pathetic state, but his friends and the girl he loved as his own as well. “ Sera...came for me ?”

She did. Heat ignored the blatant eye-roll in Agni’s mental tone as he continued. You were damn lucky that she came along; not only did she allow Serph to find you before you bled out completely, but your body was beginning to be overcome with hunger at the same time you were dying. Sera sang my hunger silent while Argilla bandaged your wounds and stopped the bleeding, and then Cielo flew you to the Maribel’s base, which was closer at the time than Muladhara. You’ve been asleep for a week.

“ Fuck.” Heat rasped.

Agreed.

Now that Heat was fully aware of his surroundings, there was something...heavy resting on his left shoulder, and there seemed to be a small, warm body pressed against his left side. Agni rumbled in amusement as alarm bells began to blare in Heat’s mind.

They never left you for a second.

“ They…?” 

Heat turned his head to the left and froze at the sight of a dark-haired head pillowed on the soft part of his shoulder. “ S...Sera?!”

Shush! Agni scolded as the girl shifted slightly in her sleep, cuddling herself closer to Heat’s body and squeezing the arms she had loosely wrapped around his chest. The lieutenant’s brain ground to a halt as he briefly forgot how lungs worked. She hasn’t gotten much sleep since she found you; this is the first time she’s slept for more than a few hours since it happened.

“ What the hell…?” Heat whispered, feeling as if his brain and heart would pop at the struggle between overwhelming confusion and incomprehensible joy. He very gently curled his left arm around Sera’s waist in turn and felt his eyes tear up at the sight of her smiling in her sleep. “ Wasn’t Serph supposed to take care of her? I asked that idiot to do one thing! Why didn’t he make her get some sleep?”

There was that non-existent eye roll again. How the fuck did Agni do that?

Varuna’s host wasn’t much better off.

Heat found his mind blanking out once again. “ What?”

Sit up carefully and look to your right, Heat.

Heat frowned but did as Agni requested, carefully shifting out from underneath Sera’s head and sitting up as gently as he could, allowing her arms to travel down his waist rather than attempting to pull them off. The red-head gritted his teeth as his abdomen spasmed beneath the bandages, protesting the action, and he tried to move his right hand to rub it as he straightened. Something was clamped around it, though, making him pause and purse his lips.

“ Huh…?”

Didn’t you hear what I just said? They’ve barely left your side.

The missing piece clicked into place.

“ It couldn’t be…”

But it was, because when Heat looked down at his right hand, he saw a familiar pale one holding it in a near death grip. The gears in his brain ground to a halt, and he nearly pulled something in his neck from the force he used to wrench his head up and to the right. The sight that greeted him knocked the wind out of his throbbing chest.

“ Serph? ”

The leader of the Embryon was seated in a hair at the foot of his bed, dressed similarly in his black undershirt and pants as he dozed, his left hand clenched almost desperately around Heat’s right as the left sat limply in his lap. His normally neatly groomed gray-silver hair seemed messy and unwashed, his skin was far paler than usual, and there were sagging circles as dark as the overcast sky underneath his eyes. Even the Water Crown on cheek seemed more faded than usual.

He was distraught when he thought you had died. Seeing that his host was busy processing just what the fuck had happened, Agni decided to do his best to illuminate the situation, if only so Heat didn’t make any more life-threatening assumptions as a result. Varuna has spoken to me of the sheer anguish their host felt as he held you in his arms. He refused to let go when Sera clung to you and Argilla bandaged your stomach and applied her healing chakra, and if it had not been for the fact that Cielo could fly far faster than Varuna could run, he would have carried you back to Manipura himself. If he had not been forced to attend to official duties and meet his body’s needs, he would not have left your bedside, just like Sera. It was Cielo and Gale that had to make sure she was fed and rested while Argilla handled Serph’s official duties. He wept, sometimes, but other times he would simply talk to you as if you were there.

It felt as if Heat’s brain had been submerged in a jar of fluid, bobbing sluggishly up and down in a viscous solution as it tried desperately, desperately to process everything Agni had just said.

“ Serph...cried for me?” Heat finally choked out with a voice hoarse from a week of un-use. “ He... talked to me?”

Yes , Agni patiently confirmed, as if he was explaining something to a child. He told you of all the things he would say once you woke up.

“ He...he did?” Heat shook his head and grit his teeth. “ What did he say, Agni? Tell me! ”

As if he heard Heat’s breathy whisper, Serph groaned and shifted in his seat, eyes beginning to move underneath his pale eyelids. A distinct image of Agni grinning like the cat that ate the canary (and what the fuck was a canary?) filled Heat’s mind.

I think it is best for Serph to tell you himself.

Just as Agni went still, Serph opened his eyes, and Heat watched--entranced--as his pupils dilated in an effort to adjust to the darkness of the room. The harsh, fluorescent lights that normally lit up medical bays were off, most likely to allow Serph and Sera the chance to sleep undisturbed, and the only light available was the shitty overcast kind that came from the windows.

Maybe it was the dim light, or maybe it was the fact that his senses were still trying to catch up from a week in a practical coma, but there was something... different about Serph’s face. Something that kept Heat from taking his eyes off of the man he loved.

Something’s different, Heat thought, gulping the lump out of his parched throat before parting his equally dry lips.

“ Hey,” Heat finally said, watching in amazement as Serph violently snapped his head over to look at his bed-bound second in command. “ You...you look like hell, Serph.”

Those gray eyes widened, and it was fucking impossible, but Heat could have sworn they were shining in the dark. Like the eyes of a cat .

“ What?” Heat began once he remembered how to breath, sucking in a breath that burned like fire and numbed like ice as Serph stared at him, and stared, and stared . “ I’m out of it for a week and you suddenly forget how to take care of yourself? I know you’re the silent type, Serph, but...say something already. Agni told me you didn’t shut up once while I was asleep.”

Serph’s lips trembled. His mouth opened and closed helplessly. His hand shook atop of Heat’s as his gray eyes locked with the other’s red.

There was something in those eyes that hadn’t been there before. That was impossible...it had to be a trick of the lack of light...but those eyes...those eyes Heat knew so well.

“ Heat…”

He sees me , Heat realized with a painful lurch, tears springing into his eyes. Serph sees me.

“ Heat! ”

Heat was about to speak up, to tell Serph to keep his goddamned voice down before he woke up Sera, but he didn’t even have the time to open his mouth. Serph’s hand let go of his own, and there was a flurry of movement as the leader of the Embryon practically jumped towards him, throwing his arms around Heat’s chest and pulling him taught against his chest. 

“...Serph?” Heat managed, and under any other circumstance, he’d be embarrassed as hell at how weak and wavering his voice came out. He couldn’t have given less of a fuck, however, because Serph was holding him as if his life depended on it, and it was so much more than Heat had ever expected--hell, so much more than Heat had even imagined , and he almost immediately moved to wrap his own arms around Serph’s waist, ignoring his stomach as it screamed in protest at the violence of his embrace. Fuck the pain, fuck the hunger, because Serph was holding him, Serph was seeing him, and if this was a dream, Heat was going to hold onto it for as long as he could. 

“ Serph...you…”

“ I’m so sorry, Heat!”

The desperate words that fell from Serph’s lips shot through Heat’s chest like a bullet. “ What…? Serph, you...I told you, you don’t have anything to apologize for, didn’t I?”

Serph buried his face into the crook of Heat’s shoulder and held him impossibly tighter. Heat could feel wetness beginning to soak through his shirt, and it was only the fact that Sera was still sleeping at his left that kept him from breaking into hysterical laughter. 

Serph was crying ? Serph was...Serph was…

“ I shouldn’t have left you alone...I shouldn’t have just left you like that!” Gone was the collected composure that had been in the gray-haired man’s voice from the very second of his ‘birth’, replaced with something that felt as raw and aching as Heat’s broken heart. His fingernails dug into the back of Heat’s shirt. “ You...you opened yourself up to me, and I just...I threw it right back in your face! You’re the...the other half of me, Heat, and I just...I almost threw away everything because I didn’t understand!”

The other half of me. Not his lieutenant, not his second-in-command, and not even his comrade. Serph just called Heat the other half of his heart, and as much as Heat had been longing to hear those words, the red-head was struggling to figure out how to react.

“ You couldn’t…” Heat swallowed down his own tears and pushed forward, giving into the urge to rest his cheek on the crook of Serph’s own shoulder. “ It’s not your responsibility to return my stupid feelings, Serph. You weren’t the one that made me lose it--”

“ But I was!”

The cutting tone of Serph’s voice broke Heat’s train of thought, and the lieutenant found himself being pushed away from Serph as his leader gripped his shoulders, his gray eyes boring into Heat’s own with an intensity that took his breath away from him. His cheeks were drenched with tears.

His eyes…

His eyes…

“ I...I knew deep down that what I said and did hurt you--hurt you more than anything.” Serph grit his teeth and screwed those eyes shut as he was overcome with something that made him literally shudder where he sat at the edge of Heat’s bed. The second-in-command had never seen his leader react...well, so passionately before, and for a brief moment he wondered if he was still dreaming. The throbbing of his bandaged knuckles and abdomen disproved that notion, however, which forced Heat to accept that the impossible was unfolding before his eyes. “ I should have stayed. I should have just...let Gale and Argilla go to Manipura alone, because you were right , Heat; they were more than capable of negotiating with Jinana without me being there. I knew you needed me, I knew it, but I just...I left, Heat. I left when you needed me the most because I didn’t know what to say! I didn’t know how to respond to you, so I ran away, and because of that…”

“ Serph…” Heat rasped. It was the only word that came to mind at that moment.

Serph’s eyes opened, and they were so bright and wide and wet that Heat felt hypnotized by them, unable to move or think as Serph moved his hands to cup his face.

“ Jinana’s medics said...Heat, if I had even been a few minutes later, we wouldn’t…” Serph’s lips and arms spasmed at the same time. “ If I...if we hadn’t found you when they did, you would have either died, or Sera...you would have been too far gone to bring back. I almost lost you, Heat, and for a moment...I thought... I thought …”

The fingertips digging into his cheekbones and jawline pressed to the point of pain, but Heat didn’t care, didn’t give a single fuck , because Serph was looking at him; for the first time in their lives, Serph was actually looking at him, and those eyes…

The realization hit heat like a lightning bolt.

His eyes are different.

“ Heat...tell me again--”

His eyes have changed.

“--if you can forgive me for leaving you, for abandoning you when you needed me the most--”

They looked gray from a distance, but…

“--if, for some reason, you don’t hate me for what happened...please, tell me again, Heat. Tell me one more time.”

Serph’s eyes aren’t gray anymore. They’re silver.

“ You idiot.” Heat rasped, uncaring of the quivering and weakness of his voice, of how desperately and needily he clutched at Serph’s upper arms, of how the tears just wouldn’t stop flowing down his face. All he could see, feel, think, care about in that moment was Serph--Serph and his now silver eyes and his body shaking with emotion and the adoring smile on his face, and it was impossible, it was impossible, but so many things had been impossible before Sera had tumbled into their lives, and now --

“ How could you ever think I could hate you?!” For the first and hopefully last time, Heat offered the remnants of his still-bleeding heart to the one he trusted most. “ I love you, you fucking idiot--I love you.”

Serph smiled and cradled his heart in his hands.

“ I love you too, Heat.”

Heat sobbed and fell forward, and Serph caught him in his arms, and their lips met at the same time.

Serph’s eyes may have changed, but his lips were the same as they had been during that stolen kiss on Heat’s supposed deathbed: cool, kind, gentle, and softer than they had any right to be. This time, however, Serph was kissing him back--kissing him the way a man dying of dehydration would lap at puddles of rainwater in a desert--and as they kissed and kissed and kissed , it felt as if Serph was pouring every bit of his determination and feeling down Heat’s throat. A literal lifetime of buried love, trust, and longing flowed between their lips, and Heat found himself gripping Serph impossibly tighter, hoping against reality that he and Serph would merge together into a single being, and that they would never have to part again.

From the way Serph clutched him in turn, it seemed as if he wished for the same thing, and the thought made Heat’s heart beat stronger and surer than it ever had before.

Heat wasn’t sure how long they had been kissing before they finally pulled apart, panting and clinging to the backs of each other’s shirts, but it was more than long enough for the hotheaded man to confirm that kissing was even better than Sera said it would be. The smile tugging at his lips felt stupid as hell, but Serph had an equally doofy expression on his own face, so at least Heat wasn’t alone in his feelings. Not anymore.

“ About damn time, you piece of trash.” Heat smarmed, unable to keep the fondness out of his voice.

Serph laughed brightly and moved his hands away from Heat’s body, forming his fingers into words. It seemed as if the overwhelming enormity of everything had consumed his verbal allotment for the day.

" Can’t say that I didn’t deserve that one.’ He replied. ‘ In my limited defense--”

“ Very limited.” Heat snarked, right eyebrow quirking toward his hairline. Serph snorted in agreement.

“ --I didn’t realize just what I was feeling for you until it was almost too late. ” Serph shrugged helplessly and continued to sign. “ It wasn’t until I saw you lying there that I...that something snapped inside of me. It was like a wall in my brain broke to pieces when I realized that I was going to lose you. ” 

The eyebrow ticked up even higher.

“ Wait…” Heat licked his lips and furrowed his brow. “ Are you telling me that…Serph, don’t tell me that...you hadn’t--”

“ Awakened? ” Serph smiled sadly and shook his head. “ No, I hadn’t--not until I saw you dying in front of me.”

Heat could have sworn he could hear Agni laughing in the back of his mind. He grit his teeth and grabbed Serph by the shoulders.

“ You fucking asshole! ” The red-haired man practically growled, shaking his...his... whatever back and forth for lack of any other way to express his dumbfounded and humiliated anger. “ You mean, all this time that Argilla and Cielo and me and...and the rest of your entire fucking army was losing our collective emotional shit all over the place, you were just going along with it?! ”

At least Serph had the decency to look embarrassed as he sheepishly looked towards the windows.

“ I did not want anyone to feel self-conscious about their leader not feeling the same way.” Serph confessed. “ Besides, it wasn’t as if I was the same , Heat. I was feeling and thinking differently, but things were still...still…”

Serph gave up trying to find an accurate sign to depict just what emotions were like pre-awakening, so he simply flung his hands in the air and shrugged, which was a pretty accurate assessment really.

“ You should have told me, Serph.” Heat rasped out. He averted his gaze to the farthest corner of the room he could find and tightened his jaw to the point of pain as he tried to hold back just how betrayed and raw the confession made him feel. No, he had already put everyone through the proverbial wringer (wringer?) by being unable to control his own damn emotions; he wasn’t going to repeat the incident if he could help it-- especially with Sera sleeping next to him. “ I can’t...I can’t fucking help you if I don’t know what’s going on, can I? We’ve never had secrets between us--not before Sera--and I don’t want us to start hiding shit from each other just because we can’t control how the fuck we feel anymore, okay? So don’t...don’t do that again, Serph. Please.”

Serph’s thumbs rubbed soothingly along the line of Heat’s jaw, and the red-head found himself leaning into the contact, unable to hide just how desperate he was for that touch.

“ Heat…” Serph’s voice was weak and strained, and for a moment, Heat felt guilty for forcing Serph to use his voice when he clearly didn’t have the energy for it. It’s just that...if he looked at Serph, he didn’t know what would happen. “ Heat, did you think that I was…”

“ I thought you were just like the rest of us!” Heat growled out, not having the energy to keep the hurt and bitterness inside of him any longer. He was so fucking tired, and Serph was so cool and warm at once, and it wasn’t like he could give a fucking lecture about ‘being honest’ without doing so himself. “ I thought you’d already had your own emotional breakdown, just...you know! Quietly! Like you do everything else! It’s not like your eyes didn’t already match your hair color pretty much!”

Although, now that Serph had fully awakened, Heat was forced to admit that silver was a far better color on him than gray. Not an entirely different shade from before, but...brighter. Livelier. Human .

“ So, when I…” Serph emitted a sigh that sounded like a gust of wind rattling through a rickety old house and audibly licked his lips. “ So when I...in our quarters, you thought…”

Our quarters. The words give Heat a shot of energy he normally only felt after a good meal, and he was finally able to force himself to look back up at Serph, who seemed to be having some sort of crisis before Heat’s eyes. Well, at least it wasn’t just him, then. Welcome to having uncontrollable emotions, Serph.

“ I thought you knew what you felt, but just...didn’t feel anything for me, you know?” Saying those words was one of the most difficult things Heat had ever done, but steeled his nerve and forced them from his mouth, for both their sakes. “ You said I was just a comrade, and then you just...told me to fuck off, basically. Told me to start living in my own room and just...left. How the fuck was I supposed to take that, Serph?! How the fuck was I supposed to react to you spitting on my feelings and throwing them back in my face?! What the fuck did you want me to do?! ” 

There was an edge of hysteria to the last question, and Heat felt as if he was standing on the edge of a tall building, staring down at the street below him as he rocked back and forth on his heels with the violent gusts of wind. Then, Serph was pulling Heat into an embrace once more, and he fell back from the edge, landing back-first on cold and unyielding concrete. He dug his face into Serph’s shoulder and gripped the back of his shirt to keep himself from falling apart.

“ I’m sorry, Heat…” Serph whispered, and Heat felt a lancet of guilt stab his heart at the wetness of his already strained voice. “ I didn’t know how to react to what you said, so I just...walked away. I walked away and I wish I could take it back, but I can’t; all I can do is promise you that I’ll never walk away again. I love you, Heat; I love you more than I can say. You’re the other half of me and I...I will never hurt you again like I did today. Never again.”

There were lips on his temple, and Heat found himself keening into Serph’s neck, the wound on his stomach threatening to rip free from its sutures as the rest of his body did its damndest to shake itself apart. Serph was there this time, however, to hold him together. Serph was there. Serph was there. Serph was there .

“ You left me behind, Serph...I needed you to stay, but you left me behind.” Despite his nigh-uncontrollable sobbing, Heat’s words were surprisingly clear and coherent, and he knew Serph understood him when he felt his body stiffen against him. Thank God he could muffle himself against Serph’s neck; he would melt into the floor and die from mortification if Sera were to wake up and see him in such a state. “ God, just, fucking...do whatever the hell else you want with me, alright? But don’t leave me behind like that again...I don’t think I can…I can’t...”

I don’t think I could take it, Serph. I don’t think I’ll survive if it happens again.

Heat didn’t say those words aloud, but it seemed like Serph had heard them all the same, because the second-in-command of the Embryon suddenly found himself being half-pulled, half drug into his leader’s lap. Serph’s hand was in his hair and his other arm was wrapped around his waist, and there were shivering lips descending upon him, kissing his hair, temples, even the back of his neck, whenever Serph could reach. He didn’t say a word, but words were never needed when it came to Serph and Heat, and Heat could feel Serph vowing with every kiss, every stroke, every heartbeat and choked breath and that he would never leave Heat behind again. It was the sweetest mantra he had ever read.

Heat let himself sink bonelessly into the safety of Serph’s embrace and finally, finally, allowed himself the luxury of frailty.

An eternity seemed to pass in the blink of an eye, and Heat found himself dozing off in the safety of Serph’s arms, somehow still tired even after a week in a comatose state. He snapped to immediate attention, however, as a sweet yawn and the sound of rustling sheets met his ears.

Sera was waking up.

“ Fuck! Fuck! ” Heat hissed. The red-head was out of Serph’s arms and back to the top of the bed in a flash, uttering panicked curses under his breath as he frantically ran his fingers through his hair and scrubbed his face with the topmost blanket, not wanting the girl to worry even more than she already had over his state of being. Serph, too, seemed to be frantically putting himself together, straightening his shirt and wiping off his eyes with his sleeve.

Their eyes met briefly, and despite how red-eyed and utterly fucking exhausted Serph looked in the low light streaming from the windows, Heat had never seen him happier or more beautiful than he was at that moment. The second-in-command couldn’t help but wonder just how he himself looked to his leader, but given the adoring and utterly besotted look in those now silver eyes, Heat had the feeling that Serph felt the exact same way. It made him want to both kiss his lover ( lover!!) senseless and hide under his pillow and scream until his vocal cords popped.

(Fuck, love was confusing! Was it supposed to feel so bewildering and disorienting?! Sera explain! )

“...Heat?”

Sera’s amazed voice broke Serph and Heat from their partial trance, and both men turned their heads to find the teenager sitting up in bed, staring at Heat with wide, dark black eyes that always seemed to be hiding an entire world behind them. Her hands trembled from where they were clenched in her lap.

“ Hey, Sera,” Heat greeted, wincing at how his voice cracked with the remnants of his prior sobbing fit. He smiled as confidently as he could at the girl, who looked as if she was going to faint on the spot. “ Did you...did you sleep well?”

A switch seemed to flip in Sera at Heat’s words. She sprung forward, pushing herself off the mattress with her knees and calves, and the red-head found himself having to catch her as the girl practically flung himself into his arms.

“ Heat! Oh, Heat, you’re awake!”

Heat could only sit there, stupefied, as the girl that once shied away from any sudden movement he made in her direction hugged him without one single hint of hesitation. Eventually, he found the wherewithal to wrap his arms ever-so-carefully around her back, which just made her cry harder. The sound made Heat feel like his heart was being crushed by a massive fist.

“ Sera ...” He breathed, raising his voice just enough for her to hear him without being spooked. The girl in question shook her head and curled herself into the firm line of his chest, pressing her small nose into the hollow his neck.

“ What happened, Heat?!” Sera sobbed, her thin shoulders shaking with every hitching breath. “ The room was a mess, and there was so much blood , and I just knew something horrible had happened! Even Serph didn’t know where you’d gone, and when we finally found you...oh, Heat, I was so afraid we’d lost you!”

As if Serph’s rejection hadn’t been painful enough, just knowing he was the cause of Sera’s tears and distress made Heat feel like the scum of the earth, even lower than the rotting garbage that once called himself Jinana’s second-in-command. He pulled Sera close and began to rock her gently back and forth, resting his chin on top of her head of sleep-mused black hair.

She was so sweet, so good...a wayward angel that had lost her wings and fallen into an empire of junk. She deserved so much better.

“ Hey, now, Sera…” Heat chuckled awkwardly, trying to figure out just what he could say to Sera that would make the situation any better. There was the sound of a chair scraping against the floor, and the bed on the other side of Heat dipped as Serph sat himself next to him, placing a steadying hand of his own on the girl’s shoulder. “ I’m okay now, see? A little worse for wear, but nothing a good devouring can’t fix…” He swallowed down the urge to kiss the top of Sera’s head and settled instead for nuzzling into the crown of her hair. “ Shhhhhhhhhh, I’m okay now, Sera. I promise. I’m so sorry for scaring you…”

Rather than being soothed by his words, Sera seemed to become even more agitated than before, and she pulled herself away from Heat just enough to stare him in the face.

“ I’m not upset at you, Heat...I’m really not...but what happened wasn’t okay!” Sera’s voice trembled as she spoke, her arms maintaining a death grip around Heat’s waist. Whatever invisible barrier that had been kept them apart in the past seemed to have shattered with Heat’s thoughtless and reckless act of passion. “ Why did you do that to yourself, Heat?! Why did you hurt yourself in such an awful way?! Was it...was it something we did? Did something awful happen to you that we didn’t know about? Please, Heat, just tell me...why did you do it?!”

Heat’s stomach lurched at the implications of her words. Did Sera think he had purposefully…?

“ No, no, Sera, you have it all wrong!” Heat was swift to correct the youngest member of the Embryon, cupping and cradling her face in his hands the way Serph had held his own just a short time before. “ I swear to the blue sky that I didn’t do it on purpose!”

Sera sniffled and rubbed her left cheek into the palm of Heat’s right hand. The fist closed even tighter around his straining heart. “ You...you didn’t?”

“ Of course I didn’t!” It was Heat’s turn to shake his own head, his long red hair slapping against his cheeks with the motion. “ I was just...I…”

Out of the corner of his eye, Heat could see Serph opening his mouth, ready to take the blame in that infuriatingly noble way of his. The red-head didn’t have any intention of giving him the chance to do so.

“ I was just...I was upset, Sera,” Heat explained, shooting Serph a pointed look before turning his gaze back to the girl in front of him. “ I was upset and sick and I...I wasn’t feeling well, and I didn’t...I just got angry and ended up hurting myself on accident.” God, it sounded so fucking lame when he said it, but it was the only way Heat could think of explaining what had occured that horrible night without throwing Serph under the proverbial bus in the process.

“ Then why didn’t you let Cielo and I into the room?” Sera whimpered, even more tears falling from her sad, sweet eyes. “ We could have helped you, Heat, but you were gone by the time Cielo broke down the door! You didn’t have to run from us…”

Oh fuck me.

“ I guess I just…” Heat looked over at Serph for help, but for once the resourceful commander seemed to be out of ideas, and he looked just as painfully lost as Heat felt. Great. “ I was just...embarrassed, Sera. I made such a mess of things, and I didn’t want you to worry, so I just...ran.” I ran away, Sera; just like Serph ran from me. “ I didn’t want anyone to see me like that. I thought I could handle it on my own.”

“ On your own?!” Sera repeated, incredulous. “ On your own, Heat?! You were bleeding out! ”

Heat winced. “ I...I know, Sera. I was being stupid, and I didn’t want to drag you guys into my stupid mess. It was something...I...I don’t want you to think of how I looked that night whenever you see me, Sera.” 

Sera’s face went slack for a few seconds as she processed Heat’s words. Then, her eyes took on a steely glint of determination, and her delicate jaw set itself in a firm line. She pulled Heat’s hands from her face and gripped them firmly in her smaller ones, and all the red-head could think of was just how strong Sera looked at that moment--as if she could devour the entire Junkyard in a single breath if she so wanted. It made pride swell in Heat’s chest. Even Serph seemed awed from where he sat next to them.

“ I know you’re strong, Heat,” Sera began. Her voice, though hesitant at first, grew more confident with every word she spoke. “ Strong enough to protect me and Serph and the rest of our friends...and because you’re so strong, I know you’re afraid to show any weakness to those you care for, because you’re afraid we won’t like you or need you anymore if you are. But...but everyone is weak at times, Heat--even the strongest of the strong--and there’s nothing shameful about being hurt and asking for help! We all care about you so much, Heat, and you should be able to lean on the people who love you when you can’t stand on your own anymore! So please…” 

Sera’s voice began to tremble, but she swallowed down the emotion that rocked her and pressed on, not seeming to notice or care about how the man’s hands had begun to tremble in her own.

“ Please, Heat,” the girl begged. “ We all love you so much! Weak or strong, you’re our beloved comrade, so please ...don’t run away from us when you need help! Don’t lock us out like that ever again!”

There was silence for a time, with Sera staring tearily into Heat’s eyes as he fruitelessly attempted to work his dry mouth into words, because what the fuck could he say to that ? His heart was trying to hammer its way out of his ears, and he could sense Serph staring at him on his left, and Heat couldn’t even be sure if his gaze made him feel better or worse.

“ Sera…”

Loved him? The rest of the Embryon outside of Serph loved him? Heat wanted to laugh at first, because it was the sort of optimistically naive thing that Sera would say, because he was so absolutely certain that no one outside of Serph cared for Heat. He was a brash, headstrong, impatient, loud, and coarse soldier--as hot-headed as the red that colored his hair and eyes--and Heat was under no delusion that he had a habit of accidentally burning all those that attempted to get close.

Even Sera herself--who danced and laughed with Cielo, sat pliantly while Argilla brushed her hair, and slept on the couch with her head pillowed in Gale’s lap--would flinch away from Heat whenever he was too loud or abrasive or abrupt. Fucking hell, it actually kind of surprised Heat that Serph reciprocated his feelings, because...well...what the fuck was there to love, really? It’s not like Heat was going to complain about being the object of Serph’s affections--absolutely not!--but that didn’t mean he understood why Serph loved him to the point of literally reprogramming his brain.

Heat had opened his mouth again--to either thank Sera for her well-meaning but hollow platitudes or to make a self-depreciating joke about how he was as lovable as whatever-the-fuck a cactus was, he hadn’t yet decided--when he found himself drawn back to that night. He remembered Argilla’s frantic screaming, Cielo’s petrified rambling, Sera’s sobbing as she clutched his arm and sang ‘shanti, shanti’ to the heavens, and Gale...even Gale’s impassive tone had been different, Heat realized; for while he couldn’t remember the words he had said in those moments before he lost consciousness, he was able to recall the sharp, pressured tone the Bishop had used. It was almost as if he had been worried himself, or even...even...

Scared . His comrades had been scared for him.

“ That’s…” Heat’s voice wobbled at the edges when he was finally able to speak. “ I don’t...I’m not sure that... Sera …”

Sera smiled sadly and shook her head.

“ It’s okay if you don’t believe it yet, Heat, but just...just think about what I said, okay? We’re your comrades, and through thick or thin, comrades take care of each other.” She looked over at Serph and smiled. “ Right, Serph?”

Heat didn’t need to be looking at Serph to know that he was smiling and nodding his head. His heart lodged itself in the base of his throat every neuron in his brain seemed to fire simultaneously.

My comrades . Heat screwed his eyes shut as he felt Serph’s hand move to rest supportively on his thigh. The touch soothed and scalded all at once. My comrades love me. Serph loves me. And...and…

The thought all but punched Heat in his still-healing stomach, and he gasped and opened his eyes to look at Sera, who was smiling so kindly at him through the tears that fell like rain down her face. For the first time since her coming to the Junkyard, there was no doubt in Sera’s black eyes, only...only…

Sera loves me.

Heat couldn’t take it anymore. He reached out to pull Sera into an embrace, and instead of pulling away as she normally did whenever he tried to touch her, the Cyber Shaman looped her arms around his neck and held him with as much strength as she could muster. A third set of arms--Serph’s--wrapped around the two of them, awkward yet sturdy as he pulled his lover and surrogate daughter to his chest, and Heat finally knew that Nirvana was not a beach, or a boat, or even a clear blue sky. It was Serph and Sera, holding him and being held by him--an impenetrable cocoon that could withstand whatever life would throw at them.

His name was Heat, he was twenty-four years old, and his life was finally beginning. 

Be my friend, hold me
Wrap me up, enfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up and breathe me