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Bilbo is a gentlehobbit. He's kind, generous, slightly vindictive and can hold a mean grudge, but he's an overall nice guy with a sweet nature.
That does not mean he is above regicide.
"You need to rest," he protests to Thorin as they hit the forest floor, the blasted Carrock the Eagles had so graciously left them on finally no longer under his feet, but Thorin just huffs and gives him a dirty look.
Not that hard considering the amount of blood and dirt smattered all over the dwarfs face, and Bilbo believes that if he'd shared that joke with the hobbits back home he might've gotten a laugh, rather than the glare he'll receive from the exhausted dwarves.
"Gandalf," Thorin growls, ignoring Bilbo completely, "you mentioned something about a friend of yours living around here. How far is their home?"
Gandalf, who most certainly looks unimpressed at the state of the dwarf, crosses his arms and raises an eyebrow. "I would be agreeing with Master Baggins here," he drawls, "you need to rest, Thorin."
"How can I rest when… when Azog is barely a few days ride," Thorin points out, and there's a murmuring of agreement amongst the company and Bilbo watches as Gandalf rolls his eyes.
"Yes, but if they do catch up, what are you going to do?" Gandalf asks, "unleash the infection you are no doubt going to get on them?"
"We will think of something," Thorin snaps, "and staying out in the open is not going to aid us in any way. The better idea would be to find shelter before resting."
Gandalf looks skeptical, but Balin steps forward and addresses the Wizard. "Despite my agreement with you, Mr. Gandalf," Balin says, "Thorin does have a point. We are sitting ducks out here in the open. Better to head towards certain safety now than wait around for the enemy to catch us unawares."
"He's bleeding from his ears," Bilbo cries out, gesturing at Thorin madly, "how could you think it would be safe to move him when he's bleeding from his bloody ears."
"Unfortunately you are all right," Gandalf sighs before he glances at all of them and seems to come up with a plan, "I will journey on ahead and make certain of our welcome at Beorn's home. In the meantime I want you all to follow behind at a slower pace, after a night of rest. Stay ahead of the orc pack, but do not push yourselves. That especially includes you, Thorin."
There's another grumble from them all, but eventually Thorin and Balin agree with Gandalf. Bilbo is still not happy, not by any stretch of the imagination, but Gandalf placates him with a reassuring smile and a squeeze on the shoulder before he turns and disappears into the bush.
"There's a river nearby," Bilbo reluctantly says after a moment of glaring at Thorin and he gestures in the opposite direction Gandalf left in, "I saw it from on top of the rock," he gives Balin a pointed look, "maybe getting clean will at least slow down an inevitable infection."
Balin eyes Bilbo for a moment before he nods and gestures at Fili and Kili. "Scout ahead," he orders, "clear the area. We'll follow behind."
The two boys nod as they disappear, Dwalin and Gloin following after them after a moment, and Bilbo sighs as he shuffles over to put his shoulder under Thorin's armpit.
"Don't be foolish," Thorin snaps down at him, and Bilbo huffs as he rolls his eyes, "you cannot carry my weight."
"That's why Dori," and he glares over at the fussing dwarf until he scrambles over, "is going to help."
Dori gives Thorin a grin as he shoulders most of Thorin's weight, making Bilbo feel nothing shy of useless. "We'll get you fixed up, Thorin," he says as he starts to pull Thorin and Bilbo in the direction the others had gone in.
"We'll even give you whatever soap we can find to scrub out your infection," Bofur calls from where he's standing to the side, "not that you can scrub out an infection, right, Oin?"
"Rub a what?" Oin practically screeches, and Bilbo groans as Bofur struggles to lead Oin's mind from the gutter.
Thorin, surprisingly, chuckles beside him, and Bilbo spares him a smile as they continue to move through the underbrush, following the path that the other four have clearly carved out until finally they're at the river.
Fili and Kili quickly relieve him of their Uncle, something Bilbo admits he's quite happy about. There's only so much weight he's use to, and Thorin gives him a thankful smile as he's pulled to the waters edge.
"We could use a hand bathing him, lad," Oin says as he sidles up beside him, and if the way that Bofur is blushing tells Bilbo anything, it's that Oin knew fully well what Bofur'd originally asked.
"You're a deviant," he mutters, and Oin just winks, "I'm afraid I'll have to say no though, Master Oin. Hobbit's aren't well known for their love of water."
"You've given us this excuse the entire journey," Gloin calls from where he's starting to strip at the waters edge, "that Hobbits are not big for water, and yet when we were in the Shire we saw you on boats and there was a bath in your hobbit hole."
Bombur pipes after him, "indeed," he says, "I dare say, why on earth do Hobbits not enjoy water if you spend a lot of time around it?"
"I-" Bilbo can't tell them the real truth, not at all, but he tells the nearest truth instead, "we can't swim."
Bilbo honestly does not like the grin that Fili gives him, and he shakes his head just as the young man says, "we could teach you!"
There's instantly a shout of agreement from the rest of the dwarves, bar Thorin who Bilbo directs a desperate look towards before he hides his face as he shakes his head. Hobbit's can't swim. They just can't.
Thankfully Thorin lets out a cry of pain, enough to distract the lot of them, and Bilbo has time to scuttle away behind a few bushes. He does peek out, just to keep an eye on them all, but he has to look away when he sees a bit much of the dwarves than he really wants to see. Of course, it doesn't mean he doesn't appreciate the view when Thorin is stripped of his shirt by a clucking Balin and Oin.
Eventually he shuffles out from hiding, when they're all neck deep in water, and he winces when he sees Dwalin trying to hold Thorin up as Oin, Gloin and Bombur scurry about trying to keep him clean. The rocks must be slippery though, and the current strong, and Bilbo can see disaster coming from a mile away.
It happens when Kili knocks Fili's feet out from under him, which causes him to crash into Ori, who tumbles into Nori, who promptly crushes Bofur as they slam into Dwalin's back.
Bilbo watches Dwalin let go of Thorin with a snarl towards the two behind him, and the other three dive for Thorin but are unable to catch him before he's swept away, and Bilbo doesn't think as he starts sprinting, sprinting forward until he's standing right over top of Thorin and hauls him up with as much strength as he can muster until they're falling over backwards and Thorin is crushes his chest as he coughs water out of his lungs.
There's dead silence from the company.
"B-Bilbo?" a hesitant Balin calls out, and Bilbo tries not to wince at the tone, "are you… floating on top of the water?"
In fact he is, he realises as he glances down and sees the water rushing along underneath him but not a single item on his person feels wet.
Dammit. Not again.
"Ah, yes?" he finally manages to say, and he glances down to see Thorin looking back at him with wide and shocked eyes.
The company explodes.
"He's a bloody elf!"
"Of course he's not an elf, you half wit!"
"Well how would you explain the fact he's walking on water!"
"Technically he's sitting on it."
"With our king, ooh la la…"
"Shut your mouth, you can't be serious!"
"An elf!"
"Shut up!" Dwalin suddenly roars, cutting through the chattering of the company who're all slipping down river towards Bilbo who's still sitting on top of the water with a certain dwarf sprawled on his lap.
Of course, Thorin's still looking at him with wide eyes as he scrambles onto his knees, glancing down in awe at the river rushing below his legs, and Bilbo watches as his face turns from awe to confusion.
"Ah, Thorin," Bilbo starts as the dwarf seems to start… well, panicking, "I would suggest you not let go-"
Bilbo's cut off by Thorin finally letting go of him completely, causing a startled cry to come from him as he's suddenly dropped back into the rushing water and Bilbo has to lunge forward to grab him. By the hair.
Bloody typical.
Thankfully Dwalin manages to grab a hold of Thorin, allowing Bilbo to let go of his hair as he scrambles back, accidentally shoving his butt into Nori's face, who lets out an indignant squawk and swats him away.
"Sorry sorry!" Bilbo blubbers, as he surges to his feet and chooses to back away that way. Every dwarf's eyes are on him, watching as he walks across the water in stunned silence, and Bilbo can't help but glance back down at the drowned Thorin.
"You didn't tell us of this, Master Baggins," Thorin grunts out after rearranging himself to see Bilbo better, and Bilbo gives him a sheepish smile.
"It's, ah, not something we talk about?"
"So all hobbits can do it?" Ori asks, and Bilbo scratches the back of his neck.
"Um, yes?" and instantly there's an uproar as they all start talking over each other and Bilbo desperately tries to back away even further, until Fili's hand is on his ankle as he grins up at him.
"So, if we touch you, we can walk on water too?"
Bilbo knows he probably shouldn't have answered that question as he suddenly finds himself being used for the next hour by twelve overly excited dwarves who want to walk on water. It gets even worse though when Gloin figures out that they'd don't disturb the fish when they walk over them, and Bilbo ends up having to hold both Fili and Dwalin's hands numerous times until they're standing over fish each before letting go.
Bilbo is quite happy with the idea of lovely smoked fish for dinner that night though, so he holds back his complaints.
Mostly the others just want to see what it's like to walk on water, and at one point Bofur decides that a game involving trying to push Bilbo underwater would be fun. Although they all come up disappointed when Bilbo has to explain that Hobbit's literally cannot be submerged under large bodies of water.
"So how do you bathe?" Thorin asks later when it's only the two of them, the others having retired beside the campfire to begin cooking their meals, and Thorin is feeling better rested, possibly from the roots that Oin gave him to chase away the pain, and Bilbo laughs as he holds tightly to Thorin's hand while guiding him down the river away from the others.
"Small bodies of water has never been a problem," Bilbo explains, "I mean, we still sink into puddles, we're able to bathe, even the occasional trough we're able to be pushed into. But it's the large bodes of water that we can never go into," he grins at Thorin, "it's why us Hobbits are such excellent fishermen. We can walk over the water to wherever we want, climb into a boat, and not be worried about falling in."
Thorin looks at him with a curiosity that makes Bilbo flush a soft red, and he glances down at the rushing river below their feet.
"Hobbit's are such strange creatures," Thorin murmurs after a few bated moments, and Bilbo raises an eyebrow at the riverbed.
"Are we? Are you sure dwarves aren't strange creatures for not being able to walk on water?"
Thorin laughs, and it makes something jump in Bilbo's stomach as a hand presses his chin up. "That could be one explanation," Thorin chuckles, and Bilbo rolls his eyes.
"One moment you're hugging me, Master Oakenshield," he says with a cluck, "the next you misjudge me again, and now," he pauses to jab Thorin in the chest on the least bruised part, "now you seem hell bent on making me blush!"
"Red is a fine colour on you, Bilbo Baggins," Thorin compliments with a cheeky grin, and Bilbo huffs before he promptly lets go of Thorin's hand.
The splash and loud laughter from the nearby dwarves has Bilbo grinning as he drops to a crouch and grabs Thorin's shirt to hold him still, long enough until Thorin gets his footing and looks up at Bilbo with a shocked look.
"You're almost too cheeky for your own good, Master Oakenshield," Bilbo chuckles as he reaches forward to bop Thorin on his nose, and he's so glad that Thorin is in better spirits as he gets away with it.
It must be those roots. Bilbo must find out what they were.
Thorin still looks stunned, until a look of determination crosses his face, and oh, Bilbo forgot that he could still get splashed by water.
Within a few seconds Bilbo stands soaked, laughing at the gross feeling of his clothes sticking to his skin, and Thorin laughs with him as his somehow still warm hands settle on Bilbo's knees.
"Too cheeky indeed!"