Chapter Text
Merlin hurried down the corridor, with a basketful of fresh flowers for the Lady Ella when he spun around the corner and crashed into heavy suit of armour. The basket went flying.
"Watch it!" A voice snarled.
"S-sorry" he muttered, clutching at his head. He looked up to three angry faces. Great, he thought, moving to pick up the flowers, it's Arthur's newest knights again. He braced himself.
"It's you." Big Ugly One exclaimed in stunned glee.
"Can't keep both legs on the ground?" Big Ugly Two sneered.
"Useless servant." Big Ugly Three spitted out.
Merlin picked up his flowers, and retorted, "I said I was sorry, and if it hadn't been for you three blocking the space with your bulk, I wouldn't have lost my balance ..." He swallowed the rest of his sentence as the faces of Big Ugly One, Two and Three contorted in rage.
"Fucking little whore! I heard about you, you know? How you, of all people, lived to tell the tale while Lancelot sacrificed himself to save Camelot. You filthy little servant, you should have died!" Ugly Three snarled and slapped him hard across the face.
Merlin fell to the floor. His heart froze at hearing his own dark thoughts and self-recriminations echoed back at him.
"You fucking little bitch, that was you? Lancelot was worth ten of you! You're a shit servant with no respect for his betters. We'll teach you some respect!" Ugly One (or was that Ugly Two?) yelled.
He closed his eyes and curled up as fists landed on him.
Magic, use magic! A part of Merlin screamed.
No, Merlin thought, No. This is penance. Punishment. For not saving Lancelot. I failed them all. Balinor. Freya. Morgana. Aithusa. Kilgarrah. The city his dragon torched. The people he failed to protect.
Merlin closed his eyes, curling himself up into a ball.
I deserve this.
The assaults happened again.
Again.
And again...
He's taken to avoiding crowds and covering up bruises with more lies and more magic.
He learns that their names are Sir Thorne, Accalon, and Walder.
He thinks his fellow servants see his injuries, but they kick him out anyway.
The knights caught up with him again.
"You little snake, the King would be grateful to us for knocking some sense into you." Thorne hissed between punches.
Merlin does not respond. Arthur doesn't know. He can't know that I have magic, he squeezed his eyes shut. He doesn't know all the terrible things I've done.
"Are you deaf, little whore? God, you're so useless, I wonder why the King keeps you around", Walder jeered.
He doesn't know that I deserve this.
"You deserve this. You deserve everything we're giving you", Accalon snarled.
Merlin flinched. His eyes flew open when he feels large hands snaking around his throat, throttling him.
"Ggh-gghuh s-sto", he wheezed, "p-p-lease". Merlin struggled weakly.
Someone kicked him painfully in the stomach and blessed darkness fills his vision.
"Merlin? Merlin!" A hand grasped at his shoulder, shaking slightly
"STOP!!!!" Merlin screamed, high and terrified, as his eyes flew open and he lifted his arms to shield his head.
"Merlin? Merlin, what happened? Who did this?" Arthur asked angrily, bent over Merlin, who was curled up on the floor. Arthur's eyes grazed Merlin's bruised face and split lip, slowly edging towards his panicked manservant.
It's Arthur, Merlin thought vacantly. His eyes drifted back shut.
"Merlin? Can you hear me? Merlin!"
"Yes. I'm... I'm fine Arthur. I just.. Fell asleep here and had a... a nightmare that's all." Merlin exhaled shakily, the force of his trembling stuttering his words.
"The hell you did," breathed Arthur fiercely, "what happened?"
Merlin's thin frame trembled, his eyes rolling backwards as he became dead to the world.
"Shit!"
Merlin woke up to familiar surroundings.
He was in Arthur's chamber. On his bed.
"Merlin."
He jumped. Arthur hovered behind his bed, a wet cloth in hand.
"S-sire?" Merlin asked, confused"
"You're hurt," Arthur stated mildly, moving towards Merlin. "Don't tell me you fell asleep. Don't insult my intelligence like this. Someone did this to you and I want to know who and why."
"It's fine." He replied quickly, eyes downcast. "I'm fine".
"Merlin," Arthur said warningly, sitting on the bed next to Merlin with a soft thump.
Merlin stared at Arthur's hands. He drooped his head, hands curled around the comforter.
"Arthur, it's nothing. I'm just a servant. You don't have to worry about your manservant, Arthur. You're... You're the King now remember? I made a mistake. That's all. Don't worry yourself with my troubles." Merlin slurred out, refusing to meet Arthur's eyes.
Arthur shifts closer.
"That changes nothing, Merlin! I may be King, but I am still Arthur. No one bullies my men and get away with it. You know this!" Arthur exclaimed.
"I.. I," Merlin shook his head vehemently, biting his lip.
Arthur watched in horror as the shiny sheen in his eyes swelled. He shifted even closer and placed his hands on Merlin's.
"Merlin, if someone has hurt or wronged you, I'd want to know." Arthur insisted, concern shining in his eyes.
"It's just... It's nothing much, Arthur. You don't, you don't have to know," Merlin said haltingly, "S-silly of me to be upset. So stupid."
"If it bothers you, I'd want to know." Arthur gripped Merlin's hands between his, stroking his palm, encouraging.
"It's... It's nothing really, just. Since Gaius left I h-h-haven't found a place to stay and the servants, they don't like me at all because I'm your manservant and it's not like I'm good at what I do - I'm terrible at what I do. They didn't like me staying with them so I left and my god, Arthur, I don't know what to do. I don't have friends anymore because... Because Gwen's going to be Queen! And Lancelot's dead, Gaius is gone, Gwaine's not here and the knights... the new knights, they don't like me very much." Merlin blurted out, in a panicked rush.
Arthur looked horrified. "Merlin! You should have told me about finding a place to stay! Did you, did you think I would send you away? Why didn't you come to me?"
"No! No. I didn't. I just. I don't know why. I don't know why I didn't... I'm s-s-sorry, Arthur." Merlin said, eyes wet with unshed tears.
"Who did this to you? I want names Merlin, names!" Arthur yelled, red-faced.
"No! It's not them. It was me. They, they had to. It was my fault." Merlin shut his eyes and braced himself to tell the truth. "It's my fault that Lancelot is dead. And it's true, they were right, I could've saved him I shouldn't have let him die for us. I should have died. They just told the truth. And they were drunk and t-they...." Merlin breathed harshly, cutting his panicked rant short.
Arthur looked on in horror as Merlin continued, oblivious. "It's fine though, I'm used to it. Don't blame them. It's not always this bad. I just... They just... It hurts and I can't ask you because they'll get mad and I don't have herbs to make it stop hurting because Gaius... Gaius he-" Merlin broke off, eyes threatening to spill.
Arthur reached for his sword instinctively, "They hit you? My knights, they hit you?" He asked angrily.
Merlin gave a tiny nod.
Arthur was at a loss for words. "Merlin... You shouldn't have waited this long to tell me."
Merlin flinched, "I'm sorry sire, I shouldn't have burdened you with my problems, you don't need to bother yourself with me, it's no question of responsibility or honour, sire. I'll take care of my-"
"No stop, what part of this makes it look like you have to apologise? If anything the fault lies with me." Arthur cut across his rambling.
Merlin gaped slightly. He closed his mouth.
"I shouldn't need to be taught how to think for others," Arthur said as it dawned on him.
"No sire, I-" Merlin panicked.
"Merlin," Arthur clutched his hands, "I am sorry. I have neglected you. You are a part of my household and it is my duty to protect you. I didn't pay enough attention," Arthur shook his head guiltily, "It's my job to care for and think about my people and I haven't done that, not even after Guinevere's drilled that into my head after so many years."
"Arthur, no. Never your fault, it's not-"
"By the gods, I let my knights beat up a civilian." Arthur looked at him in horror.
"It's not your fault, Arthur," Merlin gripped his hands back. "You do care. You go out of the way for Gwen, your father, your knights and even your people. You think for all those dearest to you... Especially the most important people in your life. You were kind, even to the servants. Like Gwen." He paused, his smile pained. "She'll make a great Queen." Merlin swallowed and continued nonchalantly. "They're important, and you treasure them. You care so much, Arthur. Never think like that." Merlin smiled, his eyes strange and sad. He blinked tiredly.
"I care about you too, you know that, don't you?" asked Arthur, a phantom ache in his chest as he heard what Merlin was not saying. He shook his head and rubbed circles back into the back of Merlin's cold hands. "I really do."
"It's okay, Arthur. It is what it is. You're King now, I know you're busy. You shouldn't be wasting time on caring about useless manservants who can't do their chores right." Merlin smiled tiredly, "You're the King. You have important things to worry about. I get it. You don't have to worry or explain yourself. You don't."
"Stop. How could you possibly think that you're not important? You're the most idiotic, lazy, rude and worst manservant I've ever had - yes," Arthur shook Merlin's shoulders. "Look at me Merlin. You're my servant. You're mine. You stayed by my side when no one else did. You saved my life and drank poison for me when we barely knew each other. You're the bravest person I know. You're my best friend. A man cannot live with those closest to him, and neither, can a King."
Merlin stared at Arthur, shock ringing his tired eyes.
Arthur sets a hand on his cheek and budged closer to Merlin. He was impossibly close.
"You're an idiot, but you're not afraid to speak your mind when I'm in the wrong. You're the bravest man I've ever met. You're the most loyal, selfless and stupidly self-sacrificing idiot I've ever-"
Arthur was caught off-guard by Merlin lunging at him. Merlin hugged his waist and clutched at his shift, sniffling quietly. Sobs and trembles racketing through his body. Arthur stilled at Merlin's sudden tactile closeness, then pressed Merlin to his chest hard.
"And you do have your adorable moments. You're such a girl, Merlin." Arthur said, smiling down into Merlin's hair.
Merlin looked up. His voice was hoarse as he gave a watery smile, "You calling me cute, sire?"
His lips were swollen red (and lovely) from crying, Arthur thought. He gave himself a mental shake.
"It's the clumsiness and the mental affliction. The endless accidents start to grow on you, unfortunately", Arthur shook his head.
Merlin let out a small bark of laughter. His eyebrows drew close together in a frown as he clutched his stomach, as if in pain. His tongue licking the corner of his split lip.
I'll kill them, Arthur thought as his eyes follows Merlin's tongue and split lip.
"Your pratness grows on me too, sire". Quipped Merlin. His smile more beautiful and natural than it was mere moments ago.
"That's not a word." Arthur retorted. I've missed him, he thought as he absentmindedly stroked Merlin's cheek. Struck by the realisation, Merlin's closeness and the overpowering sense of protectiveness, Arthur did the only natural thing in the moment: he cupped Merlin's face with his hands and leaned in to press their lips together.
Merlin gave a little gasp, eyes as big as saucers. Arthur closed his eyes and flicked the tip of his tongue against the plush lower lip. His lips grazed the wound on Merlin's lower lip. Merlin jerked slightly and moaned, but did not turn away. Arthur took the opportunity to coax his tongue between Merlin's open lips, slipping past his teeth. He sighed as Merlin opened up tentatively, pressing closer, hips grinding against Arthur's involuntarily. Their kiss grew heated, passionate, then broke apart to catch their breaths.
"Arthur?" Merlin asked questioningly. He looked strangely abashed, shy even.
"Merlin." Arthur smiled. His gaze lingered on Merlin's flushed cheeks, lips red and swollen. "You look good like this, underneath me. Where no one else can look at you or touch you, but me."
Merlin laughed awkwardly, running his hand through his hair.
There are bruises ringed around his wrists, by the gods, he'll kill them. Arthur cursed inwardly, and intertwined his hands in Merlin's.
His bony wrists and protruding cheekbones stuck out in the dim candlelight, and Merlin looked for all in the world like he hadn't eaten properly in weeks. Arthur didn't miss the way the nervous way he clenched and unclenched his free hands (as if he was afraid of Arthur, or afraid that Arthur would - and nope, Arthur was not going there. He wasn't). Barely perceivable trembles shook his slight frame.
"You stay with me." Arthur declared, voice muffled by the wild shock of black curls on Merlin's head.
"Bossy," Merlin choked out, smiling slightly as Arthur pressed him into his chest.
"You are not to leave my chambers until I have solved the problem with my knights." Growled Arthur. He was never letting this idiot go, god he made such a huge mistake-
"Arthur I can't stay! What about Gwen, you can't-" Merlin started in his arms.
"You can and you will. Guinevere... is none of your concern" Arthur said, running his large hands up and down Merlin's back soothingly.
"It's not fair to Gwen-" Merlin argued, pulling away from Arthur (now that was just unacceptable).
"Gwen?" asked Arthur incredulously, "Merlin don't you ever think for yourself?"
"It... would not be the right thing to do." Merlin said, hands convulsing against Arthur's chest.
"Trust me to do what's right by you," Arthur pleaded, "the both of you."
Merlin laughed, "I'm not a good person." He breathed shakily, "I deserved it," gesturing at his face, "I had it coming. I'm a terrible-"
"No. No, you're not. You're the best person I've ever met. Look, I know. I know about the magic." Arthur clenched out. Merlin froze in his arms, eyes wide with fright. His breath quickened and he looked on the verge of a panic attack.
"No, I'm not angry with you! I'm not angry about the magic. I'm angry because you didn't think to defend yourself! Or come to me for help, you giant idiot! You're the most guileless, stupid, useless manservant ever, but you're mine, and you're a good person. I promise you, if it is in my power I will see that you are never harmed again." Arthur exclaims.
"You... You can't say that. You just. You can't. You don't know half of what I've done! I... It's my fault... It's all my fault... I could have helped. I, I sent her away. I poisoned her." Merlin laughed uncontrollably, crying. "You don't understand. You can't! You think me a hapless idiot, but you don't know what I've done." Merlin can't seem to stop. "You know what's the worst part about this all? You'll hate me if you knew. I could have saved them. Will, Freya, Lance, Morgana, your father, Aithusa, so many people... It's all my fault! I should have saved them. All my fault." Merlin broke, tears streaming down his face.
"Okay," Arthur said. Gods it was worse than he'd expected, Arthur thought. The survivor's guilt, the depressed haze Merlin's been carrying around in the past few weeks seemed to have manifested itself and reared its broken, ugly head. Merlin looked exhausted, eyes rimmed in red, bruises littering his body. He looked like he had just taken a pounding, been kissed by his King (who was in the midst of romancing his friend), and had just about emotionally exploded everywhere.
"Okay. It's okay. You need to rest. We can talk about this later. Let's get you some sleep. Shhh." Arthur murmured.
Merlin stared, numbly. He nodded, closing his eyes as he slumped tiredly into Arthur's bed.
"Sleep. I won't leave you."