Chapter Text
Jiang Wanyin stepped down from his sword at the entrance gate of Lotus Pier later that night. His face was devoid of any of his usual scowl and temper. Instead, what was left on his eyes were dark, hollow and detached. A year after the incident of the Guanyin Temple, he had been trying so hard to bury down all the bitterness and anger and especially, the hurt that he had carried with him for the past 16 years. It was utterly hard to let go, not after holding it on for as long as he did. But he had tried.
For the sake of the miracle that his brother had come back, whole and unchanged.
For one year, he had tried to mend the bridge. The wound of the past was still bleeding and riddled with infection. Everything that he had lost due to Wei Wuxian – his father’s affection, his mother’s love, his sister’s attention, his whole family’s life and the Lotus Pier, nothing hurt more than the fact despite all that, despite him breaking his promise to stay with him and choosing to leave him for Wens, for the Lans, especially knowing how hard it was for Jiang Wanyin to trust in the first place, all Wei Wuxian said before leaving with Hanguang-Jun was a miserable ‘sorry’.
As if the revelation about his core was not an earth-shattering. As if Jiang Wanyin wasn’t even worth being talked with and being shared with anything. As if the fact that Wei Wuxian had given away his core meant that he should be grateful and be silent about it.
Didn’t Wei Wuxian know how much he didn’t want his core? That if he had known back then Wei Wuxian would give away his core, he would rather walk away from the cultivation world than drag his own brother into the road to perdition. He would rather spend the rest of his miserable life farming, fishing or wood-cutting like ordinary people, than being lied to by the person whom he had loved the most.
And back then, hearing the word sorry, something within Jiang Wanyin was being sliced, shred and bled anew. The golden core within him burned like a parasite, viciously reminding him that nothing he accomplished was his own achievement. It was an unwanted mercy from his brother. And then for one whole year after that incident, the bleeding remained along with the parasite within him, infecting his peace of mind. Even through all that, Jiang Wanyin still tried to mend the broken bridge. Each time he saw Wei Wuxian lived amongst the Lans – with Lan Wangji – reminding him how Wei Wuxian chose everyone except his own brother, the wound within him flared and the golden parasite within him writhed.
But he still persisted. Still fucking tried.
Because Wei Wuxian was the only family he has left of the past. And he didn’t hold on to Chenqing for the past 16 years only because he was bitter. He was fucking capable of love, too, despite what everyone had said about him.
However, today was the last straw that broke the camel’s back. He had visited Wei Wuxian in the Cloud Recesses as he had been every other week for the past nine months. Their conversation had started with awkwardness between strangers but had gradually improved over the course of nine months. Jiang Wanyin put on his gruff persona to bury deep the bleeding, infected wound within just so he could mend the relationship and Wei Wuxian had been more than happy to receive him. Everything had gone well until Wei Wuxian regaled the tales of the prank that he had pulled on the Lan disciples. How he spiked the tea with alcohol and for the rest of the day, the Lan juniors ran amok, making Lan Qiren’s blood pressure rise and Hanguang-Jun to curb the situation.
It was the typical Wei Wuxian.
But then, he had to open his big mouth and tell Wei Wuxian, that that action was childish and he needed to mature up because not everybody would be as understanding with his antics as he was when they were children.
Wei Wuxian’s face had changed, darkened and before he knew it, they were shouting at each other, saying words to see who could inflict the worse pain on each other.
And as usual, Hanguang-Jun swooped down from nowhere, as he always did whenever Wei Wuxian was even remotely distressed, and that man stood between him and Wei Wuxian with Bichen stretched out, touching his chest. He was getting even madder because couldn’t he just have a moment with Wei Wuxian - whatever the moment was because now, this was real, they were both real with their feelings (disdain, hurt, anger, betrayed, misery, and hurt, hurt, hurt…) –without his fucking bodyguard shielding his own brother from him.
What did Hanguang-Jun think he would do to his brother? What could he do worse to Wei Wuxian than what Wei Wuxian had done to him? So, he redirected his anger towards Hanguang-Jun and the sight of Hanguang-Jun standing beside Wei Wuxian against him made the infected wound within him bleed like nothing before.
He was livid, Zidian crackling at his fingers, heart beat fast, skin clammy and his parasitic golden core was writhing within him, demanding to be let out, so that it could go back to its original owner.
“You are ungrateful to what Wei Wuxian had done for you,” Lan Wangji growled softly. “If it wasn’t for Wei Wuxian’s selflessness to give away his golden core, you would have been rotting away on the street of Yiling like the miserable man that you are. Go away, Sect Leader Jiang, you’re not welcome here anymore. Your time of begging forgiveness from him is over.”
Jiang Wanyin had staggered back a step; blood drained completely from his face. Selflessness? Jiang Wanyin wanted to laugh hysterically at that. Giving me the core that hasn’t once made my mind calm ever since I knew it is not mine? That kind of selflessness? If only they knew the size of the black, oozing puss that came frothing out from the wound within him. And was that what Wei Wuxian and Hanguang-Jun thought about him? That he was not only an ungrateful, miserable man, but he was also begging for forgiveness for hating this unwanted - unneeded gift from Wei Wuxian? That he was lower than dirt in eyes of his brother and should be left rotting in the street of Yiling?
Didn’t it occur to Hanguang-Jun that maybe he was here because he missed his brother and he simply wanted to mend this relationship?
If that was so, then what the hell was he even doing this for the last nine months, trying to repair this? What the hell was he even doing here, trying to make amend with the only family member that he had left? What was the fucking point?!
The vicious words snuffed the blazing fire of rage within him in a second, leaving him with an aching, gaping hollow that had left him indescribably exhausted. His whole fucking life was just a series of exhaustive events and he was done.
He was fucking done with everything.
With eyes blank and dead, he looked at Wei Wuxian, seeing him went pale with fear? -shock? And he looked at Hanguang-Jun. He withdrew Sandu and lethargically mounted it. “For once, Hanguang-Jun, I concur.” He said in his quiet voice and flew away.
As he walked into his room in Lotus Pier, he looked around at his surroundings. For the first time in his life, he wondered why was he still here? Why was he still living amongst the ghosts of his family, when all that he could recall from his father was how unattainable his love, affection and pride were for his only son. They had always, after all, been reserved to Wei Wuxian. And nothing he did, measured up to the expectation of his father and even his mother because he was living in the shadows of Wei Wuxian.
Why was he still clinging to a family that had never really loved him?
Did he really love Lotus Pier because it was his or because it was ingrained by his mother’s expectation and his need to please his father? 34 years of living and he still yearned for his parents’ approval. Maybe it was time for him to realise that it was the only impossible that he attempted all his life and couldn’t attain.
He was pathetic. Trying to please the ghosts that didn’t even care .
The spiral of his thoughts drained him further. He changed his clothes slowly. The fire of determination was snuffed out within him today and Jiang Wanyin was out of reasons to keep on fighting. As he lay down on his bed, he dreamt of a life without all of these feelings he was struggling. He wanted to get away from himself and from how draining his life was. But he knew he couldn’t do that if he kept surrounding himself with the people and places that reminded him of those feelings.
Here, in Lotus Pier, the memories of his inadequacy in so many ways suffocated him slowly and constantly throughout his life. All his life, he had been drowning. Eventually, he knew he would stop struggling to stay afloat and just let the water swallow him. This place would eventually kill him.
If he wanted to have even a smallest sense of peace, Jiang Wanyin needed to find the courage to walk away.
* * * * * *
Within two months, Jiang Wanyin announced his successor. It was his right-hand man, Jiang Zhou, who had been with him since he first raised Jin Ling as a baby. In fact, no one in Lotus Pier was surprised by the announcement because they had always known their leader would appoint Jiang Zhou as his surrogate until Jiang Wanyin obtained himself a spouse and subsequently an heir. But a celebration was being held nevertheless and it lasted until midnight.
A few days later, Jiang Wanyin had also approached one of the obscured healers at the corner of Yunmeng as well as chosen a loyal companion of his to be included in his plan – Jiang Xian, a teenager that he had saved when the Wens were attacking the boy’s home. Jiang Xian had been six at that time and now, at 19 he was tall, taller than Jiang Wanyin, broad shouldered and had the gentlest feature for a Jiang. Jiang Xian had caught him signing a deed to purchase a small house a way away from cultivators’ areas and had been demanding to follow Jiang Wanyin everywhere. Even his harsh words and the threat from Zidian didn’t manage to deter him. Jiang Xian was gentle, but he was also fiercely loyal – a common trait amongst Jiangs.
Eventually, he had reluctantly agreed because Jiang Xian had known the location of the house and, plus, he hadn’t had the heart to refuse the boy that he had almost practically raised himself.
Everything had been arranged and prepared. He had all he needed to move away from here discretely and trust Jiang Zhou to take over from here. He had left letters acknowledging his approval to Jiang Zhou, letters to the sect elders and letters to his disciples to acknowledge Jiang Zhou’s succession.
It might seem like a rush, but it had been years in the making. He had to get away from the memories and from the hurt before it killed him inside.
And now, after all had been said and done, there was only one thing left for him to return.
He had Jiang Xian followed discretely the Lan juniors during night-hunting because he knew that was the only time Wei Wuxian would not be accompanied by Hanguang-Jun. When Jiang Xian sent a messenger butterfly, relaying the location, he flew towards the direction, catching Wei Wuxian off-guard from behind and knocking him off with a mixture of anaesthetic and tranquilizer without Wei Wuxian seeing him. He grabbed his brother across his shoulders and flew to the small hut that he and two of the local healers had prepared for this. The hut was very well hidden that not even the great Hanguang-Jun could find it.
Jiang Xian stood nervously outside the hut, waiting and praying anxiously for the safety of his leader. Behind the hut was a carriage that was filled with supplies, for him to take Jiang Wanyin far and away from here.
For three days and nights, Jiang Xian flitted in and out of the hut, bringing fresh water and clean linens and taking out soiled ones. And each time he entered, he was shaken and teary at the sight of conscious Jiang Wanyin’s pale face, swallowing back whimpers of pain as the golden core was taken out from him slowly to be returned to the unconscious Wei Wuxian. He knelt beside Jiang Wanyin, wiping away the sweat on his face and coaxed him to take more than a mouthful of water. The weaker, smaller core of Mo Xuanyu had been taken out previously and being held in a stasis in a bowl surrounded by powerful, healing talismans. Jiang Wanyin had insisted that Wei Wuxian’s core to be restored first and that Mo Xuanyu’s core to be inserted into him later. The healers had stated that this method was highly experimental, and the probability of the Mo Xuanyu core being expired was high if it was being cut off from the original host. It could leave Jiang Wanyin coreless, but his leader didn’t care, saying he had left Lotus Pier in the most capable hand that he knew and he didn’t care about the loss of his life longevity that the core provided, and even if he didn’t any core, he would be okay with that.
It was then Jiang Xian realised that Jiang Wanyin was done being a cultivator. That there was no turning back from this resolution to give back the core to its true owner.
He, then, resolved that if Jiang Wanyin was left coreless or even if he was transplanted with the much weaker core of Mo Xuanyu, he would be there to protect the man that he had regarded as his benefactor. There was nothing that Jiang Xian wouldn’t do for Jiang Wanyin.
Once Wei Wuxian’s core had been restored to its original owner, the healers had then carefully placed Mo Xuanyu’s core within Jiang Wanyin. By this time, Jiang Wanyin was beyond exhausted, beyond pale and too immersed in pain that he was senseless of his surroundings. Jiang Xian had taken the position above Jiang Wanyin’s head, wiping cool, wet clothes and his heart broke for the countless times at the way the violet eyes were clouded in daze. “It won’t be long now, Sect Leader. The healers are closing up the incision and before you know it, we will be on our way,” he whispered softly, offering comfort to the only father figure he had known after the burning of his own home.
“We will go away, and you can finally have the peace that you yearn for. Nothing will hurt you there. Not anymore because I will be there to make sure of it.” Jiang Xian kept his litany of comforting words. Jiang Wanyin slowly looked up at the grey eyes of Jiang Xian and he slowly nodded his head. His dried, cracked lips curved slightly into a smile as if the thought of him staying in that small house without any golden core, without cultivators and without Lotus Pier brought happiness to him. The smile that Jiang Xian returned was a hundred times brighter.
Unbeknownst to both men, the healers were crying as they sew their sect leader up.
Even though Sect Leader Jiang was famous for his temper and vicious words, no one in Yunmeng would say that he was an unjust and cruel leader. Yunmeng wouldn’t be as flourished as it was if he were. The healers knew Yunmeng people was about to lose the one who had provided them with safety and prosperity. But, as much as they loved their leader, Jiang Wanyin had sacrificed everything that he was just to rebuild Lotus Pier and the burden was becoming too much for him to bear anymore.
The healers knew that at the very least, they owe Jiang Wanyin an opportunity to have the peace that he needed, even this.
With a final touch of the pristine bandage on Jiang Wanyin torso, one of the healers transferred his healing energy to Jiang Wanyin’s meridians, giving him the boost to restart his core. Ten suspenseful seconds passed when finally, Jiang Wanyin let out a weak gasp as he felt the core within him flutter into life. Silently he wondered at how weak the core felt compared to his and Wei Wuxian’s. But still, he was grateful that he still had the opportunity to train this weak core in his self-exiled. It might never be as strong as Wei Wuxian’s but at least he could still do basic cultivator’s tricks and he could still protect himself.
And he could still use Zidian and Sandu. They were the only two things he couldn’t bear to leave behind.
He let out a small, breathy laugh, “It works…” He whispered almost inaudibly. “It’s weak, but I can still feel the core alive within me.”
The healers laughed in relief, breaking up the tense atmosphere that permeated the hut for the last three days. Their technique worked. If only the cultivation world knew how ground-breaking it was.
Within an hour, Jiang Xian had bundled up Jiang Wanyin in his arms and carefully carried him onto the carriage. He rearranged Jiang Wanyin on the makeshift bed so that the man was as comfortable as possible. “Jiang Xian,” one of the healers said. He handed over a sizable pouch of herbs and concoctions with written instruction. “For one week, you need to transfer energy to Sect Leader Jiang because the core had been transferred from a stasis mode. We need to make sure it is fed with energy until it can create its own.”
Jiang Xian nodded his head as he mounted on the carriage. The horses neighed in impatient.
“How far will you go?” The healer asked.
“As far as possible,” Jiang Xian answered vaguely. “Jiang Wanyin will not return. Discourage anyone who wants to come for him. Sect Leader Jiang just wants his peace.”
The healers nodded their heads. Before they knew it, the carriage was lost from their sight, taking away the leader that they loved.
In the hut, the healers cleaned any traces of operations, cleaned Wei Wuxian and left the man on the bed. They put food and water on the table and lay a thick blanket over him. The tranquilizer would wear off in four hours and by then, Wei Wuxian should be awake and by tomorrow, he should be well enough to travel home.
Right beside the water container was Suibian and a note left in Jiang Wanyin’s writings.
I’ve returned what have been needlessly given to me.
From now on, we owe each other nothing. I pray for your everlasting happiness. Live well, gege.
Your didi,
Jiang Cheng
* * * * * *
The wailing that echoed from that hut the next morning was full of anguish.
That morning, Wei Wuxian was all alone.
* * * * * *