Archive of Our Own

Jaehyun first thinks of Chanhee as strong at his first weekly evaluation. 

His cheeks are flushed, rosy, his black hair falling over his face. He’s wearing a baby blue hoodie that threatens to swallow him, grey sweatpants and sneakers. It has been cold, recently, so it’s a sensible outfit choice. Chanhee is shy, focused, doesn’t ask much questions or mingle with the other trainees — that’s what Haknyeon says, at least. Jaehyun hadn’t had the chance to talk to him yet, had never heard him sing. 

What Jaehyun notices, though, is his stance. His looks are gentle, delicate, young, but he stands strong, determined. He faces trainees bigger than him, broader than him, faces their teachers with an unwavering, steady gaze. They lock eyes once, Jaehyun smiles at him, aiming to be reassuring, and Chanhee doesn’t smile back but his expression softens a bit, thankful. His hold on the mic is only the slightest bit shaky, and Jaehyun wouldn’t have noticed if he wasn’t well acquainted with nervousness.

He starts and his singing voice isn’t much different from his speaking voice, but it sounds magical all the same. He sounds clear, so much louder than what this cheap auditorium could capture, so much taller than the concrete walls of Loen’s building. Jaehyun knows then, and the sureness hits him with almost physical strength, that this kid is going into the final lineup. He’s unique, special. He finishes his song, bows and they find eachother. Chanhee has big, sparkling brown eyes, and they melt into Jaehyun’s gaze. 

He flashes him a thumbs up, grinning. Chanhee smiles back, and it’s beautiful.

Kevin Moon is the latest addition to their group. He’s an English speaker, good-looking, charming, a good singer, wakes up early and makes them coffee. Chanhee finds a friend on him, and so does Jacob, who finally has someone he can comfortably speak to. Jaehyun can’t find on himself to resent him for that.

But here’s the thing — they’re watching an episode of Produce 101 live, the eleven of them since Haknyeon is still filming, and Hyunjoon bursts out of the living room halfway through it. He’s hurting, he’s worried, worried sick, about his brother and their dreams and their future, and Jaehyun goes after him, finds him at the kitchen tearing up while staring at a bag of potato chips, holds him and tells him things will be fine. 

He has no idea of whether things will be fine or not, in truth, has no idea of what this means, but he needs to be reassuring and he knows Hyunjoon won’t listen to anyone else. Knows he thinks the only person who values Haknyeon being there more than he does is Jaehyun. Sunwoo joins them, voices his concerns, sounds livid, every word laced in disbelief and frustration. Says there’s no way the company won’t debut them as twelve because Haknyeon is famous, now, even if he does get eliminated. There are a lot of people on his corner and he’s going to make it. Realistic and honest, but hopeful. Jaehyun thinks Hyunjoon believes him, too. 

The two of them head back to the living room but Jaehyun stays, mind still reeling, giving himself time to process his own fears. His glass of water feels too warm on his hands.

Kevin walks inside the kitchen, awkward, hesitant, stops at the door. “Everything okay?”

And Jaehyun meant what he said before — he doesn’t resent him. He doesn’t resent him for earning Jacob’s trust, a trust he’s worked the last three to four years trying to grasp. He doesn’t resent him for overall getting along with the other trainees, the members, so quickly, and winning their hearts. Jaehyun can see why they appreciate Kevin, why Chanhee confides in him, why Younghoon thinks he’s cool. Jaehyun likes him very much, as a person, as a coworker. But he feels very defensive of his pain, of Hyunjoon’s sadness and Sunwoo’s anger, of the fact Kevin has no idea how badly Haknyeon wants to debut with them, be on stage with them, extremely conscious of the fact he could be one of these viewers, guided into hating one of the people Jaehyun cares about the most. 

He opens his mouth to answer something that would be probably be scathing, uncalled for, but before he can do so, Chanhee walks inside too, rests his chin on Kevin’s shoulders. “Hey.”

Jaehyun sighs, rubs his face with his hands, tries to conceal that biting little voice inside his head. “Do you guys want something?”

“Kevin wanted to check up on you,” Chanhee says, matter-of-factly.

Kevin’s eyes go wide, a pink blush high on his cheeks, and Jaehyun’s resentment peels off of him like a snake skin. There’s a satisfied lilt at the corner of his lips, and Chanhee frowns when he notices it. “Don’t think too highly of yourself. We were just worried.”

“We?” Jaehyun grins wider “I thought it was just Kevin.”

“You’re always taking care of everyone, listening to everyone’s struggles,” Kevin says, ignoring Chanhee’s indignant sputters “I was wondering if you wanted someone to listen to yours, too. And, um, you’ve known Haknyeonie for a long time. You’re probably more concerned than everyone. I didn’t want to overstep my boundaries or anything, but Chanhee made me come. Blame him.”

Jaehyun chuckles, beyond fond. “There must be something in the water in Canada. You’re all angels.”

(And if he goes overboard because he feels guilty, whatever. He hadn’t said anything but he had horrible, nonsensical thoughts, and he hates when that happens, hates himself a little bit.)

Chanhee scrunches his nose in distaste. “Gross. I’ll go convince Younghoonie hyung to buy us all pizza before Haknyeon comes back from filming, and you two can keep being cheesy.”

Kevin stares at Chanhee’s retreating figure, sits at one of the stools near the kitchen counter. “He really cares about you, you know.”

Jaehyun doesn’t have to ask who he’s talking about. “Yeah?”

“He has his reservations,” Kevin says, low and careful. His usual act is lighthearted, carefree, but he’s heartfelt, has a mind that runs a thousand miles with thoughts, does nothing without passion. He doesn’t only want to get along with everyone — he wants to get close to everyone. He wants a music-making family, to have some sort of connection with the people he’s gonna stand onstage with.

Jaehyun has been here for longer, though, and learned to lessen his expectations. “He’s not the only one.”

“It’s different,” Kevin assures him, sharply "He's been through so much and he's naturally closed off, skeptical. He thinks there's a way to do this and get comfortable but not too attached."

"I know," Jaehyun replies, because he understands why Chanhee would keep him, or anyone, at arm's length. The process of getting to know someone can be harsh, demands trust and vulnerability and things that are so hard to give away sparingly. 

Kevin smiles, wistful, his eyes unfocused. "I don't think there's a way to go through this journey without opening up, though. We’ll be living together for a while.”

"You guys warmed up to eachother pretty quickly, too," Jaehyun tries not to sound bitter or jealous because he isn’t, not really. It just sets him to thinking of what he’s lacking, of the fact there’s something about him driving Chanhee to make a conscious effort to keep him at a comfortable distance. 

“You can look very intimidating, hyung, have you ever heard that? And I’ve been told I look very approachable,” Kevin laughs, a small chuckle that’s more air than sound “But I know he wants to let you in. He’s just trying to figure out how to do it.”

Jaehyun frowns. “I’m intimidating?”

“Not in a bad way! It’s just...” Kevin rushes to clarify but startles when a high-pitched squeal comes from the living room, the chatter getting a lot louder “What the fuck.”

Haknyeon shows up at the door, bright despite the dark circles under his eyes. "Hyung, we're ordering pizza?"

Jaehyun feels a smile creeping up on his face as he nods. It's gonna be alright as long as they have each other, he knows.

Things get better.

Jaehyun lets go of his previous grudges towards Kevin, because they were irrational and had no reason to exist, plus it's impossible to stay mad at Kevin Moon for too long. Jaehyun does feel jealous of his seemingly easy friendship with Chanhee, but he has learned people are different and he won't become close with someone just by annoying them into talking to him. Jaehyun focuses on what he can change - he practices, he feels happy Haknyeon is confirmed on the group lineup, he debuts, he tries to be better at fanservice and he promotes diligently. He had never idealized he'd put in less effort after he managed to debut, so the hardships that hit the other members so intensely don't make him too sad or unmotivated. He tries to be there for them instead, offer emotional support when they're down.

That's until Hyunjoon's injury gets worse and Jaehyun spirals.

Well, he doesn't necessarily spiral in the way he would if there weren't people relying on him, but he does get grumpy, moody, snippy. His nerves get the best of him in situations like these, they always do, and on the day of the surgery he's the textbook definition of anxiety. Haknyeon is too antsy to stay at home and he knows Hyunjoon's family so he pesters their manager until he agrees to take him to the hospital, leaving Jaehyun alone inside his room. He doesn't expect anyone to keep him company because they're all at the living room, Sangyeon suggested they play some games and watch movies as a way to keep them calm and help them bond. Jaehyun can listen to Eric arguing strongly in favor of something and Younghoon laughing, which is soothing.

He doesn't hear his bedroom door opening because he has his earphones on, is listening to a hauntingly pretty ballad. He turns away from the wall and sees Chanhee standing against the door, looking uncertain.

Jaehyun takes off his earphones immediately and looks up at the younger boy from his bed. "Something wrong? I told Sangyeon hyung I wasn't feeling too great."

Chanhee shakes his head. His hair is platinum blonde now and it suits him, makes him look like a magical creature. A fairy. "You look like you're going to Google medical procedures and freak out, so I came to save you from yourself."

"My hero," Jaehyun snorts "I'm alright, Chanhee. Just listening to music and waiting."

"What music?" Chanhee asks, moving to sit on Jaehyun's bed "Scoot."

He's sprawled across the bed but he stands in a more proper sitting position after Chanhee tells him to. Jaehyun gives Chanhee his other earphone and puts on the ballad he was  listening to. He doesn't know the artist - it's from one of those indie bands Haknyeon likes, the vocalist is a girl and her clear, strong voice is helpful whenever he wants to sort out his thoughts. Or think of nothing, as he was trying to do before Chanhee arrived.

People have noticed, he knows, how naturally drawn to Chanhee Jaehyun is. Not fans, as far as he knows, but the people closest to him on the dorm. Sangyeon only levels him with a look of mild concern, Juyeon gives him ambiguous advice like "take care" and "don't hurt yourself". Jaehyun wishes they'd understand he's not going to do anything, because he chooses not to dwell upon emotions that are inconvenient. He does acknowledge what he feels in the moment he feels them, though, doesn't try to deny it or convince himself it doesn't exist.

Like right now. 

Chanhee is sitting by his side while hugging his own knees and Jaehyun wants to put his head on his shoulders and claim any sort of physical comfort so bad he keeps imagining himself doing it.

But he doesn't think Chanhee likes when he initiates anything, so he stays on his lane. As probing and annoying as Jaehyun can be perceived, he's not one to overstep his boundaries unless he has to.

In a surprising turn of events, it's Chanhee who snuggles closer to him and puts his head on his shoulders. He smells of strawberry, like the fruity shampoo he uses, and of what the air smells like after rain. And he's warm.

The song changes to another song from the same band, this one more romantic and fluttery, the vocals more melodic and embellished. "Do you wanna talk?" he asks.

"No, not really," Jaehyun rests against Chanhee easily, which is weird considering they don't do this, not even once in a while "Things will be alright. The reason I'm nervous doesn't make sense, rationally, so I try not to think of it."

"Feelings don't have to make sense, hyung," Chanhee says, his tone softer "It's good that you're protective of him, you know. And you're so openly affectionate too. Some people need that."

"I think everyone needs affection, to an extent," Jaehyun retorts, and he's passionate about this "But people like Hyunjoonie want attention, want to feel cared for, more often than others. Younghoonie, too. I'm sure you're aware."

Chanhee breathes out a laugh. "Yeah. I wish I could be better at that for him, because I know he likes it, but it's hard. I was never a public demonstration of affection kind of guy."

As someone who has always been a public demonstrations of affection kind of guy, Jaehyun doesn't understand the struggle. However, he tries to be reassuring. "He knows. You're not as pathetically attached as I am, sure, but it's easy to know when you like someone."

"I wish it wasn't," Chanhee mumbles, sounding a little dejected "How are you okay with showing so much of yourself? Isn't it uncomfortable?"

Jaehyun takes a deep breath, as the instrumental on his headphones build up. "Definitely. But it's not something I can help, and I trust the people I love enough to not take advantage of me when I'm too vulnerable, if that makes sense? I was lucky to have found kind people to project on."

He thinks of Jacob, stupidly, even though he has been trying to keep that door locked for four years now.

Chanhee hums in response, warmth seeping through his pores. He's playing with the strings of Jaehyun's hoodie, makes invisible drawings with it on Jaehyun's palm, his head elsewhere. He's kind, too, is what people usually miss. He's considerate and gentle and sensitive, yet still strong and unyielding. 

Oof, Jaehyun thinks. He's such a fool.

Chanhee must notice the way he stiffens because he looks up, brows furrowed. "Hyung?"

"'m fine," Jaehyun croaks out, his heart stuttering "Don't worry about it."

"You want me to leave you alone?" Chanhee asks, again, thoughtful. Not wanting or meaning to overstay his welcome.

Except that, if it was up to Jaehyun, he could stay forever. "No, I don't," he answers instead.

Jaehyun has a problem not sticking to practical, comfortable arrangements.

When they were trainees, once, as dance practice finished later than usual, Changmin had missed his last bus of the night, meaning he'd have to sleep on the company so he could catch the bus first thing in the morning, only to take a shower and come back in a hurry. Jaehyun felt bad for him and asked if he didn't want to sleep over at his house instead, and after much insistence and reassurance that he wouldn't be a bother, Changmin accepted.

Jaehyun doesn't know how it happened. They had to sleep together, because his aunt was occupying the guest room, and Changmin looked at him like he wanted to swallow him whole, and the air between them started getting thick with unnamed tension. Jaehyun hadn’t taken notice of feeling attracted to men before this — you know who hadn’t joined the company yet — but it was a surprisingly easy reflex to kiss the living daylights out of Changmin on his childhood bed. Because they were seventeen and experimenting and in a house full of old people it didn’t go past handjobs, yet Jaehyun was mindblown.

It became a pattern. Whenever Changmin lost track of time and couldn’t go back home, he went to Jaehyun’s place and they mostly made out in the rushed, frantic way teenagers do. It wasn’t an arrangement that included romantic affections, but it was comfortable because they were close and they were often together as trainee life demanded. When they had sex for the first time it was a few weeks before they debuted, giddy on happiness after their music video shooting, and Jaehyun felt like a new world had been open for him in more ways than one.

He would come to realize they have been using eachother. Jaehyun has his long-suffering thing with Jacob, and he likes knowing someone is capable of wanting him, even if it’s not the person he truly wished for. Changmin’s heart isn’t anywhere specific yet, but he uses sex to cope, to help him forget the crushing weight of the world on his shoulders. As idols, too, their schedule is too tight for them to waste time looking for people to hook up with, so their arrangement is simple, easy and logical. And if maybe one of them wants to break it off for whatever reason, no hard feelings.

This time it doesn’t seem different than the usual: they have a day off, Changmin is bored and horny, Jaehyun’s room is free since Haknyeon is out with his friends. Jaehyun had just woken up from an afternoon nap when Changmin sneaks inside his room wearing his sleeping shorts and nothing else, closes the door behind him with a shit-eating grin and sprawls himself across Haknyeon’s bed.

Jaehyun swallows, feeling his throat dry as he does so, and sits up. “Come here.”

Changmin obliges cheerfully, sits on Jaehyun’s lap and kisses him deeply. He’s very thorough with the way he kisses, slow and heated, and he avoids making noise unless he absolutely cannot control himself because most of the group doesn’t know about their escapades but he seems to be particularly sensitive today, sighing on Jaehyun’s mouth when Jaehyun grabs his ass. “Sorry,” Changmin whispers, his lips red and bitten, eyes out of focus “It’s been a while. Gonna take your shirt off now.”

Jaehyun lets him. Regardless of what they end up doing, they’re always without clothes, turned on by the shared warmth and the friction of touching so closely. Changmin kisses him down his neck, his collarbone, until he reaches his nipples and sucks on one of them. Jaehyun mewls embarrassingly, painfully aware of how hard he was getting.  Changmin kisses him on the lips again, most probably to shut him up, remind him they’re not alone. Jaehyun tugs at his hair, kisses him deeper and he has his eyes closed so he hears it before he sees it. 

The faint noise of the door opening. 

They part and see Chanhee standing at the doorstep looking positively haunted. Jaehyun looks at him and Chanhee squeaks before closing the door shut. Jaehyun has never been so embarrassed in his entire life and goes soft immediately.

Changmin gets off him, looking annoyed rather than sheepish. “He didn’t know.”

“He didn’t know?” Jaehyun almost shouts. No, scratch that, he does shout — he is a loud person by nature and knowing Chanhee had seen him in such an intimate, vulnerable moment makes him panic “Why did you not tell him?”

Changmin covers his face with his hands. “He would judge me! You know, Sangyeon hyung doesn’t give a fuck and Juyeonie is too nice to tell us we’re stupid or whatever. Chanhee, though…”

“Chanhee is nice,” Jaehyun adds, unnecessarily.

Changmin glares at him, annoyed. “I know he is. He’d just give me a pep talk about how dangerous it is, he’d warn me about getting attached, blah blah blah. He doesn’t know you’re obsessed with him, doesn’t know of your long time unrequited crush on Jacob hyung, doesn’t know I’m incapable of human feelings.”

“That last part is bullshit, I hope you’re aware,” Jaehyun points out. He doesn’t deny the crush, or the obsession, because he’s a bad liar. Isn’t acceptance the last stage of grief?

“Whatever, hyung,” Changmin waves him off “I’m gonna talk to him? I can compensate you later?”

Jaehyun shivers with the thought of whatever compensation Changmin has in mind. “It’s cool.”

After that incident, Chanhee makes a point of ignoring Jaehyun whenever he can.

Fortunately for him, they’re not often put on the spot as they’re filming for No Air — they’re not a pairing fans want to see too much, so people don’t notice the absence of interactions. Chanhee doesn’t avoid Changmin as much, sticks to him like he always had, which is curious. Jaehyun avoids bringing this up to anyone else, well-aware he’d get scolded for fucking up the group dynamics, but it bothers him to be the only one actively avoided, again, just as he thought they were making progress and growing closer.

That’s until he gets a call from Chanhee at three in the morning.

Jaehyun is aware some of his members appreciate going out and clubbing — he doesn’t, would rather attend a private party with his closest friends instead, but he often follows the younger kids when they want some adventure, just in case they get in trouble. Haknyeon and Sunwoo are terrible at holding their liquor, Eric gets even more chatty, Hyunjoon wants to kiss anyone with legs and Jaehyun gets sleepy and takes them home before things get too messy. Jaehyun wasn’t aware of anyone going out today, didn’t think anyone would risk it considering they have a schedule the next day. It’s just a photoshoot, though, and it’s on the afternoon, so he supposes it’s doable.

He would have expected this type of behavior from anyone but Chanhee, though.

“Jaehyun hyung? Did I wake you?” he asks, sounding small and drowsy.

“No, you’re fine,” Jaehyun lies, finds in himself he’s not too annoyed at being woken up “What’s up?”

Chanhee sighs. “Can you pick me up? I’ll be at the dorms in five minutes and I forgot my keys.”

“Sure,” Jaehyun says, unsure of why he had called him of all people but not about to look a gift horse in the mouth either. He ends the call, puts on a warm coat and a beanie and waits at the door. Doesn't take long before a car pulls over at the sidewalk and Chanhee comes out of it, not tripping over his feet but looking like he's focusing very hard on not giving away the fact that he's drunk.

Jaehyun reaches out to him and startles when Chanhee touches his forearm as they walk, probably for balance. He looks so good, with his pink hair styled neatly, his skin shining under the moonlight, his cheeks red, his lips covered in a sheer layer of peachy gloss. He's wearing skinny jeans and a transparent jacket on top of a glittery black shirt, and Jaehyun faintly wonders if he's sober enough to change on his own.

"I didn't forget my keys," Chanhee confesses "But I was scared. The Uber driver was an old man and he looked nice but still. Sorry I woke you up."

"Don't worry about it," Jaehyun says as they step inside the house. Everyone seems to be in their respective rooms, except Sunwoo who is dead asleep on the couch, the TV turned on what seems like a random news channel. Jaehyun takes Chanhee to the kitchen instead and pours him a glass of cold water.

Chanhee frowns at it. "I'm not drunk."

"I know," Jaehyun agrees, because he knows from experience arguing is pointless "But you still drank, and it's good to keep you hydrated. You're gonna wake up with your throat dry as fuck and we have that photoshoot tomorrow."

"You're so considerate," Chanhee spits the word like it's an insult "I've been running away from you but you're still worrying about me. How does that work?"

"We're members of the same group and whatever you do affects me," Jaehyun answers, tries to sound level-headed and detached even though it might be petty of him to do so.

Chanhee snorts, petulant and challenging despite his inebriated, unfocused gaze. "That's all that is? Am I only a fellow member to you?"

That's what you've been acting like. 

"Please drink your water," Jaehyun says instead. The way he walks towards Chanhee is easy, automatic, not noticing the growing closeness between them until Chanhee is standing right in front of him, eyebrows raised. Jaehyun puts the glass of water on the counter but Chanhee doesn't even look at it.

Instead, he puts his arms around Jaehyun's neck, his hands playing with his hair, fingers caressing the faded blonde strands. "And what if I don't?"

Jaehyun holds Chanhee in place by his waist, marvels at how tiny it is, how intoxicating Chanhee smells, like mint and honey syrup and strawberry, again. His lashes are long and his eyes are dark, focused on Jaehyun's lips in a way that leaves little to imagination. "Chanhee…"

"What," Chanhee is impatient, pulls himself closer to Jaehyun's chest, one leg between his. His lips are pretty and pink and plump and right there, ready and willing. Jaehyun almost forgets himself, forgets he's a member of a mid-tier idol group, forgets there are still ten other men that could possibly be awake and see them, forgets whatever else that's not kissing Choi Chanhee numb against the kitchen counter.

Except he lets out a nervous sigh and his breath smells like soju and Jaehyun remembers why he has been hesitating. It physically pains him to put more distance between them, and he compensates by cupping Chanhee's face and seeing him nuzzle his hand. It's a brand of vulnerability he'd never show while sober, and it hurts Jaehyun even more. "Not like this."

"You've done it with Changmin," Chanhee whines, pouts "You just don't like me."

Jaehyun giggles at the ridiculousness of the accusation, laughs even harder when Chanhee glares at him. "Are you insane? You acted like I had the plague for months and I'm the one who doesn't like you?"

Chanhee nods. They're at a comfortable distance but his arms are still wrapped around Jaehyun's neck, and his skin is disconcertingly warm. "I wanted you," he splutters, clumsy, without his usual brain-to-mouth filter "I couldn't think of you, couldn't talk to you without my brain reminding me of how you looked with Changmin. How I wanted to make you look like that too."

Jaehyun's cheeks heat up, embarrassingly, and he hopes Chanhee is too drunk to catch onto that. "This is a conversation we should have with you sober, isn't it? You'll scold me tomorrow morning for sure."

Chanhee rolls his eyes. "I'm drunk, not possessed by a demon. I'll react just fine. You should kiss me."

"No," Jaehyun steps away, and every inch of his body misses the physical contact "We'll talk in the morning. You should take a shower and go to sleep."

Chanhee makes a face. "I'll just put on my pajamas, I'm too tired. Unless you wanna help me shower?"

Jaehyun lets out a pained noise. "Chanhee."

"Fine, fine, what a killjoy," Chanhee starts making his leave, stops at the doorstep and sends Jaehyun one last charged look.

"What now?" Jaehyun asks, tired, a little horny. Not for the first time, he curses having a light sleeper for a roommate.

Chanhee grins. "Good night, hyung."

Jaehyun, pathetically, grins back. "Good night."

The atmosphere of the photoshoot on the next day is… odd, to say the least.

Turns out Sangyeon was supposed to have opened the door for Chanhee except he couldn’t hear his phone ringing and woke up at six in the morning with a cold sweat and guilt nibbling at his insides, only to find the younger boy safely tucked into bed with only remnants of makeup on his face. 

While they scramble to get ready for their scheduled shoot, Chanhee explains that since Sangyeon wasn’t available, he had called Jaehyun instead, which in turn makes every head in the room turn to him with wide eyes. Juyeon and Haknyeon look positively confused, Hyunjoon flashes him a knowing smirk, Changmin raises his eyebrows and Kevin conceals his giggles with a fake cough. Jaehyun could have been insulted by their reaction, but he knows why they’d be surprised.

Previously, Chanhee would rather appeal to the devil himself than ask Jaehyun for anything.

Eric, because he’s Eric, voices his confusion. “Why didn’t you call me?”

“I called the first other person I could think of,” Chanhee explains, dismissive, promptly avoiding Jaehyun's gaze. The rest of the group seem to think that's a convincing enough answer and drop the subject, not before Sangyeon apologizes again for oversleeping.

Jaehyun had expected it, if he’s being honest. He had expected for last night to have been a fluke, a moment of weakness, too embarrassing to own up to, whatever. Chanhee doesn’t react well to being put on the spot either, so this is all very predictable.

Doesn’t stop Jaehyun from feeling wounded, though. 

He’s wondering how is he going to retire to his room and sulk without it being too obvious when their manager steps inside the living room, telling them to hurry up so they can get to the hair shop on time. Jacob and Younghoon are still getting ready, Hyunjoon is showering and Sunwoo is most probably still asleep; yet a miracle must have happened because they arrive at the filming site way earlier than expected.

Jaehyun hadn't known what's it like to be the person doing the avoiding instead of being avoided, but he's aware that acknowledging Chanhee's presence on a work setting while his mood is like this would be risky. They're going for a youthful look this time around, with colorful blushes and summer shorts, and Jaehyun doesn't think it suits him too well nor is he on the right headspace to act cute and bubbly to the camera. However, despite what people seem to think, he’s a professional, so after the director nudges him to the right direction his results are quite satisfactory.

All the while, he has the strong feeling of being watched, and if that pushes him to be a little extra with his poses that’s between him and God.

They’re going in age order, so he stays around to monitor Kevin, who’s a little nervous but manages to do a good job regardless, as usual. Jaehyun flashes him a thumbs up when he gets the okay from the photographer and he smiles, embarrassed. Juyeon always does well but he’s handsome as fuck so Jaehyun always sticks around to see him nail it, despite not being the concept he usually goes for.

When it’s Chanhee’s turn, Jaehyun tries not to stare too much, for his own sanity’s sake.

His attempts to do so, however, are useless. His eyes are drawn to Chanhee, have been ever since they first met, and with this makeup, under this light, he looks so pretty it doesn't seem real or fair. Jaehyun has tried to reign in those thoughts before because they're nonsensical, but after the night they had yesterday he's not strong enough to stop them from coming. 

He keeps remembering Chanhee's warmth, the smoothness of his skin, the affection in his eyes, his small waist, his sharp jawline and his pink lips, and it messes with Jaehyun’s head. Makes him feel like an one night stand, even though nothing happened and by the way things look nothing will happen in the future either. Which, he has to remind himself, is a good thing. Chanhee pushing him away isn’t bad, because what he’s doing is preventing the two of them from possibly making a mess of their group dynamics.

Jaehyun isn’t careless, either. He has always known what he wanted from the industry, never longed for anything beyond his rich at the moment. He hadn’t expected anything from Jacob, from Changmin, from anyone on this industry he’s ever caught feelings for or got involved with. He’s aware it’s a demanding job, with tight schedules, his privacy limited by constantly being under the public’s eye, not to mention the additional set of worries if he was to engage in a relationship with a man, too. 

His dream scenario had been meeting a woman few years into his career. She wouldn’t be an idol, an actress, not even a model — a regular, anonymous girl who would accept his love and devotion, not find him a nuisance or weird or overwhelming. His fanbase would’ve matured enough to not care if he’s in a relationship or not, and he’d be able to balance his career and his personal life better. 

When he loves, he’s all-consuming. It sounds unhealthy, and it could very well be, but it takes over his life and distracts him with how intense things can get. Thankfully, he has a good head on his shoulders, enough to avoid anything that could jeopardize his future. Hyunjoon calls it emotional constipation, Jaehyun prefers self-preservation.

However.

Chanhee gives him hope, in a thousand different ways. He's special, and that’s typical discourse when you’re falling for a person, to think they’re somehow different than everyone else you’ve encountered, but Chanhee stands out on his uniqueness. He’s smart, sharp, clever, doesn’t step away from confrontation, headstrong, stubborn. At the same time he’s caring, thoughtful, affectionate, gentle, good. He carries a sensitive side he tries to hide but never succeeds: when you don’t think he’s paying attention but he surprises you, offering a brand of kindness that’s somehow exactly what you needed. 

That’s the main difference between him and Jacob, maybe. 

Jacob is openly nice to everyone, regardless of their motives or past wrongdoings, in the same manner. He’s considerate, he listens and he tries to play mediator. Chanhee gives custom-made sweetness, comforting everyone in ways he knows it will work for them, and it’s all different. He gives Younghoon cuddles and attention, gives Sunwoo a firm shoulder to cry on, gives Changmin food dates and companionship, and Jaehyun gets bantering, wordless encouragement and someone worrying for him, for a change. Someone who cares, despite his own reservations, about Jaehyun’s concerns and feelings.

“Earth to Jaehyun hyung,” Hyunjoon says, low, a hand on Jaehyun’s knee. 

It startles him out of his thoughts and brings him to take a better note of his surroundings. They’re understaffed on the filming site today, apparently, only three people responsible for styling them, which could be doable if they weren’t a twelve member group. The director is scolding the poor makeup artist for not getting Changmin ready on time and Chanhee is asking her if he couldn’t try and at least prep Haknyeon’s skin to help them out.

Jaehyun looks away from the scene “Sorry, I’m really tired. Were you saying something?”

“Just asked what happened yesterday,” Hyunjoon repeats himself “And don’t say nothing. I need my emotional support gossip and you look like you’ve seen a ghost ever since you woke up.”

Jaehyun’s never been good with subtlety, so that doesn’t come off as surprising at all. “I don’t think we should talk about it here.”

Hyunjoon raises his eyebrows. “Holy shit. Is it juicy?”

“More like pathetic,” Jaehyun sighs, runs his hands through his face “But it’s one of those things we can’t talk about in public.”

Hyunjoon clicks his tongue. “Text me, then.”

“So nosy,” Jaehyun rolls his eyes. He’s weak, though, and he needs to talk about this with someone despite his previous plans of keeping it a secret. 

So he writes. Huge chunks of text, punctuated with both the facts and Jaehyun's emotional opinion on the situation. His insecurities, about being led on and used and dismissed, once again wrapped up in an one-sided ordeal. His fear of vulnerability clashing against his need for intimacy, his instinct to try and get closer to Chanhee only to have the metaphorical door closed on his face.

hwallie: omg this IS juicy
hwallie: what do you plan on doing now?

jaehyun: i kinda wanna ignore him like he did to me
jaehyun: but ik that's petty
jaehyun: so i need to talk to him
jaehyun: esp bc this could make things complicated… with the group overall

hwallie: you worry too much hyungie 
hwallie: i def think you guys should talk
hwallie: but y'all are professional enough
hwallie: can u imagine what it would be like if any other two members almost kissed

Jaehyun chuckles and Hyunjoon beams at him, coyness dancing on his eyes. 

"Thank you, baby," Jaehyun says, unapologetically fond, doesn't even school his expression into something less sappy when the makeup lady says it's Hyunjoon's turn with a pointed glare on their direction that probably indicates it’s not the first time she’s called him.

"Don't mention it," he grins, wide and boyish, and walks up to the makeup counter calmly, as if they weren't understaffed, stressed out and in a hurry. He doesn’t even seem to be doing it on purpose, he’s just built in a way that makes him unaffected by chaos. Spending his teenage years with Eric, Haknyeon and Jaehyun himself must’ve trained Hyunjoon for moments like these.

Jaehyun smiles to himself. He loves that kid so much.

They don't talk that night.

It's understandable, since the photoshoot proved itself to be an exhausting ordeal, lasting for more than eight hours before they could successfully wrap things up. Chanhee must've been hungover, too, so he gets home, claims the shower first, eats dinner Kevin made and goes to bed. Jaehyun does the same, except he doesn't tuck himself into bed right away because Haknyeon needed someone to play a LoL event with him. 

Except that a month goes by with the same radio silence. 

Changmin shows them the choreography for their upcoming comeback, which has a lot of cute moments of showmanship, and he's adamant about making this one look perfect. Jaehyun dyes his hair brown again and Sangyeon complains about having to act cute. They start recording songs and doing VLives more often. It's easy for Jaehyun to excuse his avoidant behavior with a busy schedule, and he honestly feels like the confrontation shouldn't start from him in the first place. Was he not minding his business? He should get away with being a coward this once.

Of course, since destiny has a way of working against him, he does not get away with it. 

When you live in a dorm with twelve people, sickness spreads fast. Kevin has a cold and passed it to Changmin, who passed it to Hyunjoon, who passed it to Sunwoo, who passed it to Eric, who passed it to Chanhee, who passed it to Younghoon. 

Now they have more than half the group sick dangerously close to the beginning of their comeback activities, which is far from ideal.

It hits some harder than others — Eric is still up and about despite the doctor’s recommendations, Changmin still pestering Juyeon about dance practice, Sunwoo still staying up all night writing lyrics and watching anime. Younghoon and Chanhee barely get up from bed and Hyunjoon tries to act as if nothing happened, but he’s already in pain from his injury, the cold makes everything worse. Sangyeon keeps him company, cares for his immediate needs and Haknyeon cooks lunch and says if you don’t eat the wind’s finally going to blow you away. Jaehyun goes to Younghoon instead, listens to his complaints, gives him tissues and warm soup, teases him for being a baby and laughs at his pout. He seems to appreciate the extra attention.

Jacob opens the door to the bedroom, looking confused. “Chanhee is calling for you?”

“Me?” Jaehyun points to himself, surprised. He tries to be considerate of Younghoon’s headache and keep his voice low.

“Nope,” Younghoon grabs Jaehyun’s hand with both of his “He’s mine. Tell Chanhee to back off.”

“I will not,” Jacob says, clearly biting back a smile “I’ll stay with you instead, though. Is that okay?”

And not even Younghoon could reject him, so he grins, immediately letting go of Jaehyun’s hand. He tries not to feel offended by it, instead making his way to Chanhee’s room. 

It seems like a deja vu of sorts, with the two of them alone in a closed space, with him vulnerable and Jaehyun hurt and bitter and tired. Chanhee is wrapped around his blankets, only his head visible, his fading pink hair falling on his face, dark circles around his eyes, his nose and cheeks red. There’s a box of tissues, a bag of chips, a couple of pills and an untouched glass of water on the bedside table. 

Jaehyun’s heart hurts immediately, and his voice comes out impossibly soft when he speaks up. “Good morning, princess.”

Chanhee squints at him. “Shut up. It’s three in the afternoon.” He sounds clogged up, rougher than usual. His throat probably hurts.

Jaehyun frowns. “Did you not take your medicine?”

“I can’t swallow pills,” Chanhee mumbles, sinking further into the sheets “Don’t laugh.”

“Wasn’t going to,” Jaehyun says, even though he was going to. Chanhee is cute, even cuter when unable to swallow pills and blushing about it as if he had just committed a shameful crime “But those are pretty small pills. Is that why you called me?”

“I wanted to talk to you,” Chanhee confesses, coughs for a while. Jaehyun rushes to sit on top of the bed, right by Chanhee’s side, not quite touching him because he has learned patting someone’s back does not help in those situations. Also because he’s terrified of initiating physical contact.

“About the pills?” Jaehyun attempts a joke.

Chanhee shakes his head.

Jaehyun ignores him. “You know what? I’ve seen this thing on the Internet that might work for you.”

“Hyung, please don’t be difficult,” Chanhee straight up whines, his pretty features marred by a frustrated frown.

“We’ll talk later,” Jaehyun says, which is only a half-lie. They’ll talk later — he didn’t say when exactly will that later take place, so he’s saying the truth, technically. 

His plan is helping Chanhee take his meds, hope he’ll get drowsy after them, engage in fruitless conversation until he falls asleep and make a quick getaway. Jaehyun grabs the pills and the glass of water. “So, here’s how it happens. Can you sit up? It won’t take long.”

Chanhee does what he’s told, his back resting against the pillow. He’s wearing his polka dot pajamas and he takes the box of tissues to his lap and blows his nose on it, makes his face look even redder. “Sorry. What now?”

Jaehyun touches his chin, tilts his head up, gently pushes his shoulders back and places the pill on his hands. “Put it in your mouth.”

Chanhee stiffens, looks down at Jaehyun’s hand on his shoulder. “What if I choke?”

“You’re not choking, this is a technique invented by European researchers. For real. I Googled it,” Jaehyun lies through his teeth, but he did see it on the internet and tested it out on his older sister and on Sunwoo and it worked, so he hopes he won’t send Chanhee to the hospital “Put them in your mouth and take a sip of water. Don’t lean forward yet. Don’t swallow either.”

“Oh God,” Chanhee breathes out. He still follows the instructions dutifully, and Jaehyun brings the glass of water to his lips, his mind reeling as Chanhee grabs his hands, as if to say he’s had enough. He’s standing there, cheeks full of water, and he’s so adorable and so beautiful even when fever-delirious it’s hard for Jaehyun to go back to reality. “Now do it. Be careful.”

Chanhee carefully tilts his head forward and swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he does so. “Oh, it worked.”

“Thank you, Jaehyun hyung, I’m so thankful to have you around, you’re a genius,” Jaehyun teases in a bad imitation of Chanhee’s voice, chuckling when the younger man shoots him a glare in response.

Chanhee uses the same method for the other meds he has to take and when he’s finished, he snuggles back under his covers, seemingly cold.

Jaehyun wants to hug him until he's warm again, wrap himself around his smaller frame and kiss the top of his head. He can't do that, though, because he'd fuck up the invisible boundaries and get sick to boot. "What are you feeling?"

"My body hurts, my nose is itchy and weird, I feel sick to my stomach most of the time and I was freezing," Chanhee finishes his sentence with a tiny smile "I'm warmer now, though."

Jaehyun's heart skips a beat. His cheeks heat up, stupidly, and he wishes the ground would swallow him whole. "Uh, that’s good. I'm glad. You’ll get better soon if you rest well, which you seem to be doing, so.”

“Hyung,” Chanhee starts, careful, almost whispering “Are you avoiding me? Don’t lie.”

It’s odd how he can occupy so much space despite his smaller frame, despite being swallowed in blankets and plushies, his delicate words filling up all the air, leaving Jaehyun breathless. “I’m not going out of my way to avoid you, but it’s easier to keep my distance when you don’t talk to me,” Jaehyun answers. He actively attempts to measure his words so they won't sound too harsh but judging by the way Chanhee's face falls, he has failed terribly.

“I do talk to you,” Chanhee replies, weakly. There’s an underlying layer of sadness on his tone, one that almost makes Jaehyun take back his words immediately.

He doesn’t. Instead, he laughs, dry and humorless. “You don’t even believe that.”

Chanhee opens his mouth, closes it, opens it again, his brows furrowed.

Jaehyun sees he’s having a hard time speaking up, so he reaches for Chanhee’s hands under the covers, finds them impossibly hot. “I know you find it hard to trust me and you must have your reasons. But you can’t expect me to run after you every time, Chanhee. I never know when you’re going to accept me or push me away. It was cute at first but sometimes you make me wonder what’s wrong with me.”

Chanhee sighs, shrinks further into his pillow, covers his face with his hands. “Nothing’s wrong with you! I was just scared, and embarrassed… I didn’t want you to hate me.”

Embarrassed. Jaehyun’s chest tightens, like his ribcage is closing in on his heart and leaving no room for it to beat. He smiles, still. “I don't think I'd ever be able to hate you, even if I tried."

“That’s good to know,” Chanhee stares at him, misty-eyed and earnest. Their silences are charged, packed with unspoken words, and Jaehyun could’ve asked questions but this doesn’t seem like a good time. Illness tends to make people feel more emotional, unstable, needy and easily affected by their surroundings, as a general rule. The doctor told them, too, to avoid any stressful situations that could worsen their condition. They’ll have to postpone this confrontation, for Chanhee’s sake.

“You should get some rest,” Jaehyun suggests, evenly.

He tries to leave, then, but Chanhee grabs his wrist before he can get up. “Can you stay with me until I fall asleep?”

"Stay with you and do what?" Jaehyun asks, knowing he'll stay regardless.

"Do whatever," Chanhee says, not letting go of him just yet "I'm having a hard time falling asleep. I need a distraction."

Jaehyun thinks. What's a subject that's soothing and harmless yet mildly entertaining to not let Chanhee drown on his own thoughts? Jaehyun looks for his phone inside his pockets. "I can show you pictures of my dog?"

Chanhee giggles. "Darongie? Please."

Jaehyun doesn't have that many opportunities to be a proud pet dad, so he brings out his entire collection for this. He shows videos and photos and provides in-depth commentary to each one of them, Chanhee engaging with cooing and laughter and snippy commentary ("Why are you psychoanalyzing your dog?", to which Jaehyun replies with a fake gasp). Jaehyun leans against the headboard because his back hurts, Chanhee comes closer to him to see the pictures better and Jaehyun sneaks an arm around him, for self-indulgent purposes. They're talking about how Darong is growing too friendly with the neighborhood dog when Eric walks in.

He stops. He looks at the two of them, at Jaehyun's fingers carding through Chanhee's hair. The corner of his lips twitch. Jaehyun stops moving. 

"Did you lose something?" Chanhee snaps.

"This is my room too, hyung!" Eric complains, unable to hide his smirk "I just came to get my coat. I'm going to the grocery store with Juyeon hyung, do you guys want something?"

"Shouldn't you be letting your body rest, too?" Jaehyun asks, because he can't help it "You'll heal faster that way."

"I'm already healed!" Eric taps his own chest and, as if on cue, has a coughing fit. He doesn't look like he's going through physical pain, however, he's most definitely not healed.

Jaehyun only raises his eyebrows. Chanhee hides a chuckle on his shoulders and it tingles. He's either naturally warm or his mere presence makes Jaehyun feel warm all over.

Eric clears his throat. "Anyways. No one wants anything?"

They both shake their heads. Eric wears his coat and gives them one last amused glance before closing the door shut. 

Chanhee clicks his tongue. “You should stop mothering them.”

“Why? You want to be the only one I spoil?” Jaehyun teases. It’s the kind of joke that would earn him a punch, an eye roll or complete silence; he throws it out to test the waters, to keep some distance from a moment that was growing to become scarily intimate. A purposeful bait.

Except the reaction isn’t the one he expected.

Chanhee blinks, unfazed. “Yeah.”

Jaehyun realizes belatedly they’re too close. From where he’s standing, he can count Chanhee’s lashes, drown on his brown eyes and see courage and affection and maybe a bit of the trust Jaehyun has been yearning for. Chanhee’s lips part as he gets closer, letting out an exhale too loud for the thick fog of tension around them. Jaehyun wants to swallow it with his own lips, leave them both gasping for air for the right reasons. He doesn’t feel in control of his body anymore, made from restless energy, brings a hand to the back of Chanhee’s neck and watches him get closer.

“Chanhee! I need…” Changmin’s voice seems like the loudest noise Jaehyun has ever heard, and considering he lives with himself and rooms with Haknyeon, that’s saying a lot “Oh, shit.”

They don’t spring apart like two teenagers caught making out by their parents, but it’s a near thing. 

Chanhee looks livid. “What do you need, Changmin?”

“My headphones,” Changmin grins, mischievous. He won’t let the two of them live this down.

“They’re with Sunwoo,” Chanhee says, annoyance written all over his face. He must be mortified, judging by his skin glowing bright red instead of the usual milky white “Is that all?”

Changmin nods enthusiastically. “Feels good to be interrupted, doesn’t it?”

“Get out of my room,” Chanhee hisses, throwing one of the smaller pillows at him.

Changmin runs away and closes the door behind him, the pillow hitting the floor instead.

Jaehyun feels, in all levels including physical, like a deflated balloon.

Chanhee sighs. “Show me those videos of Younghoon hyung’s dog bullying your dog again?”

Jaehyun does what he’s told and complains about Bori being spoiled for around ten minutes. He watches Chanhee falling asleep to the sound of puppies rolling around and barking, and thinks of hope.

Jaehyun feels like astral projecting throughout the entirety of their Bloom Bloom promotions.

They're busy, for once. They have an overwhelming amount of schedules, they record special clips for both of their b-sides, they score a first win - an emotional, teary ordeal, but a joyful one nonetheless. It was extremely rewarding to see their hard work being recognized this time around, yet tiring to follow the hectic pace of comeback season without Jaehyun wanting to melt into a puddle of nothing and lie down for three months.

Speaking of lying down, there's also Chanhee. 

They hadn't got the time to properly address what's going on between them, if there's something. Their interactions are loaded now, something burning hot and sizzling under the surface of their casual conversations and polite greetings. No one makes a move to address the pink elephant in the room except for Sangyeon, who once pulls Jaehyun aside to ask if everything’s okay. 

(The reason for his questioning is the one time he walks into the kitchen at three in the morning to find the two of them giving eachother too intense stares and ignoring their respective plates of spicy noodles. Later, Sangyeon says he’d rather have caught them making out.)

Jaehyun answers yes, because it’s the truth. There’s no hostility or bad blood between them. Instead, there are unresolved issues, blank spaces to be filled, nothing drastic enough to fuck up the dynamics within the group. One of the advantages of debuting in a big group — it’s way easier to disguise when something is out of the ordinary. Sangyeon is reassured by that and Jaehyun had thought the rest of the group didn’t care enough to get involved. 

Here’s how he finds out he was wrong (again):

They have a quick break after their schedule clears up from the promotional activities. Juyeon asks for his help, says he really wants to cover this song but doesn’t know if he can do it with his voice and his range. When Jaehyun gets the text, he’s home, playing UNO with Haknyeon, Hyunjoon, Eric, Sunwoo and Jacob, having bought eight cards already. He takes it as an excuse to drop the game and not get called a sore loser.
It’s hot outside, so he puts on a simple white shirt, his summer shorts, a cap and sunglasses before he walks to the company building. He texts Juyeon to ask which room he wants them to use.

juyeonie: You can go to the first room on the second floor!! It’s bigger than the others
juyeonie: I’m on my way!! I’m buying you fried chicken as a thanks for helping me!

jaehyun: awwww baby you don’t have to
jaehyun: GET SAUCE TOO <3 <3 <3

juyeonie: Sure!! Won’t take long!

Jaehyun enters the room, giddy at the promise of food, takes off his cap and sunglasses.

Only to find Chanhee sitting in one of the chairs, a package with the logo of a chicken restaurant on the table, even though technically food isn’t allowed inside the vocal practice rooms. He’s wearing a flowery tanktop, dark denim shorts and no makeup. He looks stunning as always, fading pink hair brushed back, except his brows are furrowed in a confused frown, as if Jaehyun was the last person he expected to see today.

“Jaehyun hyung?” Chanhee tilts his head to the side “Do you want to use this room? I was just waiting for Changmin, but I can go somewhere else.”

“It’s alright! I’ll tell Juyeon I’ll be in the other room,” Jaehyun turns on his heels to leave, except the door is locked. Juyeon and Changmin show up at the window with matching smirks — Juyeon’s looking shaky and nervous, Changmin’s looking positively demonic. He pulls Juyeon by the hand and they walk out of sight, leaving anxiety to settle on Jaehyun’s stomach.

“Shit. We got set up.”

“Is the door locked?” Chanhee asks, sounding tired “Changmin just texted me they’ll only open it when we get our shit together. His words.”

Jaehyun sits on the chair next to Chanhee and checks his KakaoTalk. One message catches his eye.

juyeonie: Sorry! :( I had to!!!
juyeonie: Enjoy the chicken!

Jaehyun scoffs. He knows this is well-intentioned, with Changmin being one of Chanhee's closest friends in the group and Juyeon being one of Jaehyun's, they wouldn't take initiative if they thought this was going to make things worse. However, it seems too risky, because there's no buffer between them now. They're both healthy, physically and mentally, and sober. They're locked inside a room so there's no chance of interruptions, no cameras to film them, nothing. 

And listen, Jaehyun isn't stupid. He knows Chanhee is attracted to him, after what he said that day in the kitchen, after their almost kisses and lingering touches and long, wanting gazes. Sex is simple, practical, and had it been only about that Jaehyun would be happy to relieve their tension.

It isn't, though. He likes Chanhee, romantically. He wants to hug him tight and kiss the top of his head and tell him about how beautiful and gentle he is. He wants to go on tangents about how this looks like love, sounds like love, Chanhee’s name echoing on Jaehyun’s hammering heartbeats. He wants to be able to be with him and no one else, to have picnics and movie night dates and share comfortable silences.

He's attracted to Chanhee, too, because of course he is, but that's the tip of the iceberg, and Jaehyun is an all or nothing type of person. He'll either commit to the soul draining, nerve wrecking ordeal that would be dating under their circumstances, or back off and get over it. 

The timing is good, too. If he gets his rejection out of the way now, he'll be able to stay at his parents' for a couple of weeks, weep on the comfort of his childhood bed, be comforted by his faithful dog and his friends and his older sister and eat homemade food. He'll heal from his heartbreak, just like he did before, and move on just in time for their next comeback.

It's still scary, though. Downright terrifying.

Chanhee clears his throat. "Um. We should… Talk, right? Get our shit together."

"Yeah, we should," Jaehyun laughs, shaky and strained. 

Chanhee reaches for his hands, because of course he does, rubs circles around it with his thumb. 

It's such a caring gesture, meant to calm Jaehyun down regardless of Chanhee's own nerves, and an expected one, too, to extend kindness and comfort despite himself. Everything inside Jaehyun bursts, like his insides are made of party poppers, and he needs to get this out. Now.

"I really like you, Chanhee," this is probably the lowest his voice has ever been, and he stares at Chanhee's hands instead of his face "Things with you are different than how they are with Changmin, or with anyone else I've ever met, really. I don’t know what to do about it, and I wouldn’t blame you if you don’t feel the same.”

Jaehyun raises his head to look at Chanhee properly and the air gets knocked out of his lungs when he sees what’s there — an emotion hard to name, hard to describe, strong and deep and heartfelt, written on his eyes. It gives Jaehyun courage to get closer, grip Chanhee’s hands tighter. “But I know I want you, and no one but you. I didn’t want to tell you because it’s unfair to put that much of a burden on anyone.”

“‘s not a burden,” Chanhee whispers, his voice sweet. He puts his arms around Jaehyun’s neck, closes the distance between them and looks down at his lips. It’s familiar, the warmth that comes with it.

For the first time, Chanhee doesn’t wait for Jaehyun to meet him halfway.

Their kiss isn’t rushed, not at first. It’s open, slow and affectionate, meant more as reassurance than anything, as if Chanhee couldn’t stop himself. Jaehyun pulls him back for another kiss instinctively but Chanhee stops him with a hand on his chest. “I need to share a burden of mine with you, too. Okay?”

Jaehyun nods. He’s having a hard time concentrating, what with his heart beating so fast and Chanhee looking so pretty, right in front of him. His lips are soft and he smells like strawberry and Jaehyun has a limited amount of self-control.

“I’ve been in love with you for a while, now,” Chanhee says tenderly, easily “I’ve fought tooth and nail to get rid of this, to get rid of you, because I thought you’d never look at me like that. You were so kind, though. So annoying and funny and nice, it was so hard but I could repress it because it was a stupid, delusional crush. Seeing you with Changmin made me think about the possibilities of us, and that they were real. Realer than before, at least. And it would hurt even harder if you didn’t care about me.”

“I look at you for so long during photoshoots Haknyeon makes fun of me for it,” Jaehyun blurts out, unprompted. Because he’s too giddy, drunk on relief and happiness, and it broke his brain-to-mouth filter.

Chanhee chuckles. He runs his hands through the expanse of Jaehyun’s shoulders, his collarbones, the side of his neck. “I’m so lucky.”

Jaehyun pulls Chanhee by the waist, puts him on his lap, because he wants to and he can. “Aren’t you going to compliment me back?”

Chanhee makes a face, scrunching his nose. He runs his fingers through Jaehyun’s hair, his eyes dripping with affection. “Why would I do that? Isn’t your ego big enough?”

“Isn’t yours?” Jaehyun retorts, delighted. He’s gotten inside this room feeling like his body was made of electricity but now he’s only calm waves rocking against the shore. 

Chanhee rolls his eyes. “You’re hot, hyung. The most handsome person I’ve ever seen in my life. Are you satisfied?”

“No,” Jaehyun says, and kisses him, also because he wants to and he can. They’re both a little aggressive, too eager, but that’s not a problem, not with the way Chanhee’s lips part for him, not with the way he cups Jaehyun’s face and kisses him senseless, his mouth hot and demanding. Jaehyun whimpers, pulls him closer, and it’s insane how Chanhee looks and feels like a dream, his lips red and bitten, his eyes half-open. 

It’s like Jaehyun’s been walking around for so long, looking for someone who would take all of him, and Chanhee came to him, the best thing he never knew he needed.

They part, and Chanhee cups his face, a dreamy glint on his eyes, and says nothing. 

Jaehyun’s cheeks heat up, suddenly self-conscious. “What?”

“How are we gonna about this, hyung?” Chanhee asks, softly “This is uncharted territory for me. I don’t know what to do.”

“I don’t know either, baby,” Jaehyun runs his fingers through Chanhee’s hair, places a small kiss on his forehead “We’ll have to tell everyone and be careful but we’ll have eachother. We’ll be alright, yeah?”

Chanhee nods. “We will.”

Jaehyun feels full. He smiles, wide and bright. 

Chanhee smiles back. It looks like hope.