Chapter Text
Year One
It takes months.
Months of steady communication and openness, reassuring Dina that she’s well, that she’s eating and healing, and that she’s finally moving on.
It was hard. In a town where everyone suffered from some trauma or another, Ellie’s pain wasn’t special. She had to make her own peace.
But only through that could Dina finally understand how Ellie’s priority would now and forever be her family – the family that was left.
So, there had been playdates and hangouts (and healthy boundaries they both respected), afternoons spent at the park by the stables with Ellie exhausting herself as JJ quickly reacclimated to having his favorite playmate and best buddy back in his life.
Ellie couldn’t be more thankful.
But Dina… Dina was still cautious.
“I got this. Nothing bad is gonna happen. Right, Spud?” Ellie bounces JJ, raising his little arm in triumph as he babbles happily. “Yeah! We’re gonna have a rad day. Can you say rad day? Just you and me doing cool sh– stuff together.”
“Ellie… define cool,” Dina requests warily from where she stands on her porch.
“Monkey bars, Crash Bandicoot – the kid-friendly original, not the p-o-r-n-o,” she spells out in a whisper before her voice goes back to normal, “Maybe a cartoon movie and some sandwiches. How ‘bout it, Potato?”
JJ gurgles with a smile. He doesn’t know what’s going on, but he’s here for it.
“Right. Very rad. Just remember to give him his bath before it gets late.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Ellie salutes, then whispers to JJ, “She does not get our vibe.”
It takes a few weeks of solo JJ hangouts for Dina to relax.
But when she does, it feels like another wall comes down for the better.
“I’m sorry I get a little anal when it’s your day with JJ. You’re amazing with him, and I need to trust you,” Dina admits as she leans against the porch rails of her home.
Ellie stands before her, half in lamp light, half in shadow.
“Thanks, but I get it. Do whatever makes you comfortable. I’m just glad to have this time with him. He’s really something special.”
“Yeah, he is.”
“Allowing me to be in his life still is basically the kindest thing anyone’s done for me. Like, truly the greatest gift of my life,” Ellie rubs the back of her neck as she steps away, further into the shadows. She points a thumb over her shoulder. “I, uh, better scoot. Early morning.”
“Sure, goodnight, Ellie,” Dina calls out softly before turning and heading back inside where a sleepy JJ waits to be tucked in.
Ellie has paired patrol now that she’s back, and everything about it feels wrong.
When she rides into town later, she asks Maria for something else to do – anything that would keep her closer to home and away from violent delights.
She’s sick of the sound of it. She’s sick to her stomach of how it makes her feel. She’s had enough.
So, instead, she finds her sheep. They don’t remember her, but she remembers them.
She trades in her sneakers for boots once and for all.
Ellie is never late picking up JJ.
But sometimes Dina is late having him ready to go.
“Come in, we’re just finishing up breakfast. You’re welcome to a plate.”
Dina wipes her hands on the cloth draped over her shoulder. Her body props open the front screen door, waiting for Ellie to make her choice. In or out.
“If it’s really not too much, I could eat,” Ellie edges closer.
“Yeah? You picked a good day. Pancakes.”
“My favorite.”
“Oh, really?” Dina smirks. “I thought my pasta was your favorite.”
“Everything you make is my favorite.”
Ellie never leaves right away, after she’s carried JJ up to his room at Dina’s after a long day.
And Dina never pushes her to.
“Potato is finally down for the count. Tough little guy. Who hates sleep that much?” Ellie exhales into the cool night air. She’d just been upstairs putting JJ to bed.
“He’s worried if he sleeps he’ll miss all the wild action. He gets it from you,” Dina teases quietly, softly rocking on her glider bench as she stares out at the stars.
“No way. You’re the troublemaker in this family.”
Dina laughs. “Maybe once upon a time.”
“Still. Wildest girl I know.”
“Wanna sit?”
“Sure. Did Robin build this?”
“Mhm, when we first moved in. Built it for JJ’s birthday so we could have a place to rock.”
“I bet he loves it.”
“Eh, he grew out of it pretty fast. I thought he’d stay a baby a little while longer.”
Ellie nods. She thinks of her months away from home. Everything she missed. Coming home to her kid. How he barely remembered her – because time is weird to a kid’s brain. You have to be in the trenches, day-in and day-out. He was changing every day.
Dina lifts the quilt draped over her lap letting Ellie cover her legs as she settles in next to her.
“Where would we be right now if I had never kissed you?” She wonders aloud, voice soft.
“What?” Ellie chances a look at Dina. The sadness she sees on her face makes something ache deep in her chest.
“If we’d just stayed friends. Would we still be best friends for life, always attached at the hip? Or would there eventually be this awkwardness between us no matter what?”
“Dina–” Ellie’s next words die in her mouth, so she licks her lips and tries again. “Dina, I know it’s not my place to say what has or hasn’t been worth it. But for me, being in love with you… I still dream of us on that farm. I know I ruined it by leaving, but those are, and always will be, some of my best memories.”
Ellie sighs, her breath visible in the crisp evening air. She worries her lip and thinks about leaving Dina be. But there are things she has to say, and if she doesn’t, they’ll eat at her until she barfs up some emo poem in her journal.
She resolves to say something instead as Dina sits quietly beside her, listening.
“I was a handful, with my, uh, my problems. And I apologize for everything I put you through because I left. That shit is on me, and I’m going to spend the rest of my life proving to you and JJ that I’m in this for the long-haul. But when I miss you, and I miss you… all the time, I miss my best friend and the girl I love. I miss dancing with you, and singing to you, and just laying in bed with you. I even miss shoveling sheep shit with you.”
Dina wipes away a tear. “Gross, dude.”
“Yeah, I know,” Ellie agrees in that simple way of hers.
They sit in silence, just slowly rocking. Stars are out. Jackson is safe and beautiful and theirs.
After a while, Dina rests her head on Ellie’s shoulder.
“I’m glad I kissed you too.”
Ellie smiles crookedly and thinks of how that kiss, in a roundabout way, gave her one last moment of hope with Joel before everything.
Best kiss ever.
This was it.
After weeks of working up the courage to make the few steps from her little studio in the back up to the main house, it’s done.
Ellie turns the key.
She enters through the back door, pushing past fishing rods and summer gear, where Joel had always stored it.
Hands on hips, she sighs. Everything is just how she remembers, only now covered in dust.
She’d have to take care of that. In fact, she’d have to take care of everything. Because now she had a son, and her son needed his own room in her home.
Joel would love it, having a little kid buzzing around making a mess of things. As long as he was Ellie’s, which would make him Joel’s too.
She grabs cleaning supplies from under the sink where she knows they’re kept and gets to work.
She pushes Joel’s clothes to the back of the closet, leaving room for the few pieces of her own she had left.
Next up, she moves all of his woodworking gear to the back studio alongside her art supplies where she could fiddle with it and put it to use someday.
In Joel’s old spare room, she clears space for a twin bed and a bookshelf for JJ’s books and toys.
There are still traces of Joel all over. It would be impossible to erase them. She wouldn’t want to.
The last thing she does is move her video games and records to the family room.
It’s odd seeing Joel’s things mixed in with belongings that had once been the heart of her home with Dina. It feels sad and warm all at once, comforting in its melancholy.
She stands back at the end of her long day, sweaty but satisfied. She can picture it now: JJ growing up within these walls, laughing and playing and filling every corner with life.
Just like Joel would’ve wanted.
Year Two
Dina gets a boyfriend, and it hurts.
But then Dina and the boyfriend breakup, and somehow that hurts too.
Dina stays mostly single. Ellie doesn’t ask. She worries that the wreckage of their past relationship is holding Dina back, keeping her from happiness. The guilt sits heavy in her gut.
But then one night, as they share a joint on Ellie’s (Joel’s) back porch long after JJ has been put to bed and Dina should’ve been long gone, Dina just… volunteers her feelings on the matter.
“I need to focus on me.” It’s said like a solemn oath. Her gaze is far-off, and Ellie just watches her profile, sees the smoke seep from between her lips. “Does that make sense?”
“Sure, why not? It’s your truth,” Ellie burrows deeper into her oversized coat, warding off the evening chill and her own complicated feelings: guilt, longing, a desire to be a good friend despite it all.
Dina takes another drag, never making eye contact.
“Taylor wasn’t a bad guy. I’m just not ready yet.”
Dina looks to Ellie then, expecting some kind of response. Ellie wishes she had one. She closes her eyes, leaning back in the plastic chairs Joel had always kept out here.
“I might not be the best person to talk about this with,” she hedges. “Especially not when I’m baked and liable to cry at any given moment.”
“Don’t be a pussy, Ellie.”
“Don’t call me a pussy for being hung up on my baby momma. It’s a pretty normal phenomenon.”
“You’re still hung up on me? What about Marissa?”
“Marissa? As in veterinarian Marissa?”
“You guys had lunch every day for like a month,” Dina points out, wordlessly passing over the goods.
“As friends – no, not even as friends. As coworkers. To talk about cow breeding. I don’t even—”
“You don’t even what?” Dina challenges, clearly enjoying Ellie’s fumbling righteous indignation.
“I am vulnerable right now,” Ellie scolds. “You are taking advantage of my compromised state.”
“Pussy.”
“I’m not into Marissa,” Ellie gives in with a groan. “I’m not into anyone. You ruined anybody else for me.”
Dina is caught off guard by Ellie’s frankness. She shakes her head with a small laugh, blushing despite herself. “You’re serious?”
“Serious as a heart attack. I don’t want anyone but you.”
Dina swallows before reaching over and plucking the joint from between Ellie’s lips. “Do you think you can do me a favor?”
“Anything.”
“Take me upstairs and just,” Dina breathes, serious suddenly, “let me see what it’s like to pretend nothing’s changed.”
Ellie goes down on Dina for three hours straight.
Her girl still leaves at first light.
“So,” Ellie draws out the word awkwardly, digging her hands in the pockets of her jacket as she stands at the bottom step of Dina’s front porch. She’d given her time, but some bravery was needed.
JJ kicks a soccer ball on the front grass, minding his own business. His little backpack hangs off Ellie’s shoulder.
Dina’s smile is warm and coaxing and Ellie can tell by the way she meets her at the last step that she wants to be brave too. This is the Dina who goes after what she wants and doesn’t stop until she gets it.
“So. Did the other night work for you?” Dina asks, dancing around specifics.
“It definitely worked for me. It did overtime for me.”
“Careful with that talk, or our—” Dina mouths the word vaginas “—will unionize. But, yeah, same. It’s getting hazard pay and a holiday bonus.”
Ellie laughs, flushing pink. “Come over tonight. We can watch a movie. I’ll make dinner.”
“Ellie… I really want to, but I meant it when I said I needed to focus on me.”
“Right,” She sighs understandingly. “No worries.”
“I love that you’re building a life and a home for JJ. That you’re taking care of yourself. You need to protect that progress, Ellie. Even from me.” Because you were super fucked up before you got better goes unspoken.
“I hear you. I promise.”
“Okay. Don’t let me get in your pants again. Seriously. You’re doing so well, and I’m too… unsure of myself right now to be trusted with this. I don’t want to get your hopes up and then—”
“Yeah, yeah. Let me worry about that,” Ellie smiles, rocking back on her heels.
“We’ll see you in a couple days, Mommy,” Dina smirks, stepping back.
Ellie grows closer to the other farm hands on her shift.
They regularly get together for beers at the end of the day, either at the Tipsy Bison up the road under Seth’s watchful eye or just pouring hooch into tin cups behind the horse stables as the sun sets over Wyoming.
And it’s genuinely fun. Men and women, old and young. Salt of the earth types that Ellie finds herself gravitating toward. Grounded and willing to get their hands dirty. Focused on the work, dedicated to the community. A few of them knew Joel, and it finally fills Ellie with warmth to hear stories about his time in Jackson and the indelible mark he left on its people.
Maria drops by sometimes, doing her rounds to make sure things are running smoothly and everyone has what they need.
They hide the hooch but welcome the company.
And when Maria slings an arm around Ellie’s shoulder, bringing her in for a quick hug before she sets off again, Ellie takes that comfort and holds it dear. It’s good to know she still has people.
Dina and Ellie keep it cool. Two moms raising their son, together but apart.
There are still hangouts, but they end at a reasonable hour.
Months pass this way in comfort and ease.
Snow falls beyond frosty windows as Ellie and JJ settle in for a movie. They lounge on the couch watching as precocious Rugrats explore the thrilling pre-apocalyptic city of Las Vegas.
“Yeah, wouldn’t see all those lights now, Potato. It’s a wasteland. No tigers either,” Ellie fills in as JJ hums along sleepily, propped up against her chest. “Probably.”
By the time the credits roll, JJ is conked. Ellie carefully scoops up her potato sack and carries him to his big boy bed. He sleeps easily, happy in his routine of spending some nights with Ellie and some nights with Dina.
She brushes back his hair and presses a goodnight kiss to his forehead.
As she heads back downstairs to tidy, there’s a sudden knock at the door, quick raps that draw Ellie away from pillow forts and stray crayons.
She peeks out the window and spots a shivering Dina.
The door is yanked open.
“Woah, Dina, it’s like ten o’clock. Is everything okay?”
“Yeah. No. Sorta.” Dina rubs at her bare arms. “Can I come in?”
“Of course,” Ellie guides Dina in with a frown. “Want tea? Something to warm you up?”
“No, I’m fine. I just—” she sighs, standing awkwardly in Ellie’s home. She looks around at everything like it’s the first time even though she’s visited often. She’s dressed just a little nicer than usual and her hair is long and loose in soft curls. No jacket. “This is going to sound bananas.”
“Let me get you a blanket at least. Then you can tell me what’s bananas.”
Ellie draws Dina further into the house, away from the front door and into the family room. There’s a tartan throw she drapes around her shoulders once she’s seated on the fluffy, semi-destroyed couch. Ellie sits down across from her, perched on the coffee table.
“Fun night?” Dina asks, nose stuffy.
“Oh yeah. Secret clubhouses and the baby resistance again.”
“I’m telling you, he’s gonna get ideas, then you’ll have a mutiny on your hands.”
“Trust me, all my screwdrivers are locked the fuck up.”
Dina smiles and Ellie smiles back.
They sit in the quiet for a moment as Dina works up her nerve.
“I kind of had a moment tonight, and it freaked me out,” she exhales shakily, almost self-deprecating, then reaches for Ellie’s hands. She holds them between her own with such gentleness and reverence that Ellie wonders briefly if something is very wrong. Her brows knit together, and it makes Dina lean in closer, bringing Ellie’s hands up to her mouth so she can press full lips to their warmth. “The getting here sucked, but I know what I want now.”
“Yeah?”
“I don’t love being across town while you and JJ have movie night. And I don’t love sleeping without you. And I really don’t want to go home. It doesn’t feel like home.”
Ellie offers a shy smile, leaning her forehead against Dina’s. “Okay, so, tell me what you need.”
“Just you.”
“I’m flattered. But like, do you want to stay here? Do you want to go back to the farm? Tell me and I swear I’ll make it happen.”
“It gets to be that easy?” Dina’s voice is quiet and searching. Ellie could ask a million questions about her night and what led her here, but none of it matters. Not even a little. Not to Ellie.
“Yep. We deserve easy, babe.”
“Okay, then I want to move in, with you and JJ, and I just want to be fucking happy finally.”
“Done.”
Dina stays the night. And the night after that. And so on and so forth.
Ellie’s home is complete.
Almost.
Year Three
It’s a beautiful Spring in Jackson, and love must be in the air, because before long, Ellie’s favorite herding dog is very pregnant.
Ellie keeps an eye on things, waiting patiently for brave Betsy to deliver her litter.
And when the time comes, Marissa the vet lends a hand.
They set up sleeping bags in the barn beside the corner Betsy’s claimed for herself, waiting well into the night for tiny, hungry yelps to fill the air.
By the time the sun rises, six healthy puppies are wiped down and checked over. They’d need to find homes eventually, but for now, they get to spend important weeks with Ellie’s best girl, Betsy.
Marissa tells her to pick out a puppy for JJ, once they're old enough, and Ellie loves the idea.
Dina – a self-avowed cat person – isn’t exactly ecstatic.
But she is tolerant. She only has one rule: this puppy is Ellie’s responsibility, and it’ll be her job to teach JJ how to care for it when the time comes.
Fair enough.
Ellie and JJ run around the backyard with Doc, named for JJ’s favorite of Ellie’s trading cards, playing and laughing. They make his meals and brush his coat and eventually convince him that sitting, fetching, and “come here” are all good things.
Doc sleeps at the foot of JJ’s bed every night.
Living together again means a reintroduction of spontaneous sex where and whenever.
This morning: the kitchen.
Their kid is at pre-school and Ellie doesn’t have a shift until that evening. Dina runs her electronics repair business from the back studio so she can set her own hours.
And the sex is good. Like really, really good.
Afterward, Ellie doesn’t bother to pull back on her sleep shorts, just rests her head against Dina’s shoulder where she holds her, propped up against the counter.
Ellie breathes in, breathes out, fingers combing through Dina’s hair lightly until she’s calm.
“You really took me to pound town.”
“I told you I was gonna,” Dina sighs against Ellie’s lips before kissing along her sharp jaw.
“I have to ask,” Ellie’s voice is low and scratchy in a way that makes Dina want to take things upstairs to their bed. “What part of me pouring juice into a cup got you so hot and bothered?”
“Something about the way you hold that bottle just gets my engine revving. So sexy.” Dina manages not to crack.
“Uh huh.” Ellie pats Dina’s shoulder as she leans back, finally ready to get on with her morning. “You’re sick, you know that? But I still love you, despite your breakfast fetish.”
“Please,” Dina scoffs as she helps straighten out Ellie’s clothes, brushing back her long hair until she looks put together enough to continue her morning routine. “You love me for my breakfast fetish.”
“Whatever you say.” Ellie leans in for one last filthy kiss that makes Dina’s knees nearly buckle.
One lazy Saturday, while JJ takes his afternoon nap, Dina has an epiphany.
“What do you say we rescue Eugene’s weed stash?” she asks from her position on the floor, propped up on a pillow as she thumbs through one of Ellie’s comic books.
“That is a serious ride out.” Ellie peeks out from behind her own comic. She licks her thumb and turns the page.
“Come on, we could set up a little greenhouse in the backyard.”
“We’d have to clear it with Maria,” Ellie says with a skeptical look.
“Yeah, and? She can’t boss me.”
“Her job is literally to boss you, babe.”
The library looks different without a blizzard snowing it in.
Less secret. Less like sanctuary.
Dina unpacks the tool box from her horse then carefully takes down the heavy boards nailed across the front entrance.
Once the horses are in, they close up shop behind them before venturing deeper into the library.
“I’ve been coming here for years, off and on, getting supplies whenever I need them for a repair. Dude collected a ridiculous amount of gear.”
“I remember,” Ellie smirks. “Eugene was a nerd.”
“Hey,” Dina scolds, smacking Ellie’s shoulder. “Eugene was a genius.”
“You mean a Eugenius.”
Dina makes a gagging noise. “Anyway. Let’s head down. Maybe we can bribe Maria using the bong mask.”
“How’s that dog of yours?” Tommy grunts out, hobbling through the barn. He’s in search of a few new yard tools – pitchforks and the like. Ellie is on duty overseeing things.
They’ve kept their distance these past few years, not wanting to rock the boat. Maria had been clear from the outset: they were to coexist peacefully or else. Tommy didn’t seem to have any fight left in him anyway, and Ellie had no interest in bringing up the events of Santa Barbara or what led to them.
“Getting big.” Ellie thinks of Doc hogging most of JJ’s bed. “Big softy though.”
“Yeah, I’ll bet. Y’know, it’s always good to have a dog around. Kids love ‘em.”
Ellie nods, chewing her lip as she waits for Tommy to make his choice. He grabs the tools he needs then drops a gun and other goods on the table nearby. An even trade.
“I’m glad you’re all doing so well, Ellie,” he finishes sincerely, dipping his chin in gratitude before making his way back out to his horse. “See you out there.”
Ellie just gives a wave with her right hand, her bitten fingers buried deep in the back pocket of her work jeans.
Ellie restrings her guitar to be played left-handed. It takes practice and hours alone just messing around to get a feel for things.
Eventually it takes, just not as smooth as she’d once been.
“Mom? Mom?” JJ takes a deep breath, then, “Mommm?”
“Sup?” Dina looks up from her work finally, setting down her pen and pushing away half-finished greenhouse schematics.
“What’s a duck’s favorite food?”
She hums in thought. “Bread?”
“No,” JJ pauses for effect, ever the perfect showman, “Quackers!”
Oh geez. Her poor kid.
He dissolves into a fit of giggles at his own joke, clearly fed to him by Ellie. Always such a terrible influence.
“Okay, okay. Good one, JJ. Too good, even. Now, it’s my turn,” she pulls JJ onto her lap, tickling his tummy until he’s laughing even harder. “Why did the cookie go to the doctor?”
JJ looks at Dina with a big smile and bright eyes, waiting for the punchline.
“Because,” she presses a noisy kiss to his cheek, “he felt crummy.”
Kid fucking loses it.
Dina beams triumphantly just as Ellie rounds the corner of the dining room, no doubt looking for the sneaky potato in her arms.
Ellie sighs, hands on her hips. “Come on, JJ, let Mom work. No more jail breaking. We’ve got pictures to color.”
Eugene’s weed is brought back to life with tender love and care.
Ellie accuses Dina of cheating on her with her cannabis plants.
Dina apologizes but insists she won’t end the affair. Ellie would have to learn to share her.
It’s very good weed though.
“Fuck it, I’m gonna buzz it. Should I buzz it?” Ellie asks from the mirror of their en suite bathroom. Her hair is longer than it’s ever been, frustrating her beyond reason. She’s ready to end it all, hair-wise.
“Major waste of electricity,” Dina calls back from where she digs through her drawers looking for something to wear. Both ladies were freshly showered, and a long day lay ahead.
“Yeah, well. I can’t stand having it on my neck when I’m all sweaty at work, and you are not giving me another mullet.”
“I wouldn’t dream of it. I know how hot you want to look for Marissa.”
“I swear to god.”
“What was good enough for our farm isn’t good enough for Jackson. I get it.”
Ellie groans, walking over to their bed and falling face-down. “Mrisaishssstraight.”
Dina looks on, unimpressed. “Lift your head up, Jackie Kennedy. I can’t understand a word you just said.”
“Marissa. Is. Super. Straight,” Ellie enunciates. “And not even my type. For one thing, she smells too good.”
“Oh, wow, that’s fucking it,” Dina warns, low and lethal, before playfully jumping on the bed after Ellie. She lands squarely on top of her. Ellie just oofs and tries to twist onto her back.
“You really want to cut my hair again?” she asks once she’s finally free. She wraps an arm around Dina, pulling her into her side.
“Yeah, I like doing it. I’m territorial. You know this.”
“Okay.” Ellie gives her a smooch to seal the deal. “No buzz cut.”
There’s a little kerfuffle at the eastern gate one night. Hunters passing through with too many guns and not enough brains. They try to attack the wall – without much luck.
Thanks mostly to Maria’s careful coordination of literally everything. There’s a contingency plan for the contingency plan’s contingency plan.
It takes nothing to mobilize a force to push them back. That includes all the best guns in Jackson, no exceptions. Of which Ellie and Dina undoubtedly are. Cream of the crop, Tommy had said, winking with his one good eye as he passed them their guns.
JJ was safe with Jesse’s parents, and Ellie knew the odds were on their side. But she still worried. Things could feel so idyllic inside Jackson. Then reality made its terrifying presence known once more.
They’re back home by the next morning, bone-tired and frazzled. The adrenaline drains from their bodies in waves until they’re half-stripped on their bed. It’s lights out until Robin knocks on the door later that afternoon, JJ scrambling into his grandpa’s arms so he can ring the doorbell over and over until Ellie comes down.
“Why, if it isn’t my arch nemesis, Lord Spud of Planet Potato,” Ellie announces theatrically, hoping he doesn’t notice just how shaken she feels still, even hours after the attack has been put down and naps have been had.
JJ just giggles, putting up his finger guns. With his best effort, he makes little laser beam noises. Then, to top it off, he pushes out of Grandpa Robin’s arms and jumps into Ellie’s.
“Hey, little man. Did you have fun at your sleepover?”
“Yeah,” JJ answers softly, almost distractedly, leaning his head against Ellie’s shoulder. He’s getting bigger – basically a big kid for real now. But he still misses his moms when they’re away for a night. Ellie brushes back his hair and presses a kiss to his forehead.
“Thanks for keeping him, Robin. You want to come in?”
“No, no. I’ll let you and Dina have some peace and quiet. This community owes you and all the brave young people who keep us safe more than we can ever repay. You deserve an afternoon to yourselves,” Robin smiles warmly before giving JJ’s middle a squeeze. “Be good for your mommies, JJ! No big messes today, okay? Love you!”
“Later, Robin!” Ellie waves.
“Later, halbi!” JJ echoes as Robin makes his way down the walk.
“Alright, Potato. Let’s go wake up Mom.”
Days or weeks later, Ellie slips her favorite flannel on over her pajamas then parks her ass on the back steps of their porch, mug of hot chocolate in hand. She blows before sipping.
Birds call from the trees, wind rustling leaves. In the distance, she can hear Jackson starting to wake up.
Beautiful, safe, and theirs.
Year Four
“I think we’re gonna have to make this weed thing a full-time gig, babe,” Dina marvels.
“I know. There’s supply and demand… and then there’s supply and people are big fucking stoners. I was not expecting the strait-laced, cowboy-boot-wearing populace of Jackson to be this hard-up for your product.”
“Even Maria has her regular order.”
“Unreal.”
“And she loves that bong mask.”
“Simply unreal,” Ellie repeats, flabbergasted as they survey their too-small backyard. At least for this enterprise.
She moved away, quite far
Our grandpa bought us a new VCR
Ellie sings, staring down at her guitar as she strums along. Before she can start on the next line, JJ tilts his head to the side and reaches out a hand, stopping her playing.
“What’s a VCR?”
“Oh, buddy. It’s an ancient piece of technology. Even I’m not old enough to be an authority on the subject.”
“It plays tapes, JJ. Movies and stuff,” Dina offers simply.
“Oh, okay.”
“Hey, I was working up to it,” Ellie purses her lips then strums again, the fireplace crackling behind them as they lounge around after dinner.
Dina smirks.
Just another weeknight.
“I hope you know how to swim, buddy.”
“Uh, you taught me?” JJ squeaks out with some sass. His front tooth is missing, and he genuinely cannot resist probing the emptiness with his tongue whenever he speaks.
“Yeah, true. Still.” Ellie reaches out with a piece of rope, tying them together. “Better to be safe than sorry.”
His life vest dwarfs his tiny frame, but it’ll be worth it, and the current is barely anything to worry about.
Dina trails behind them. “All our stuff is definitely getting wet.”
“Whatever you want to keep dry, bury it by that tree. We’ll pick it up on the way back.”
“Okay then, can I bury myself?”
“Nice one,” Ellie hums appreciatively, eyes still on JJ. She loops one final knot. “All set, buddy. Just give your dumb mommies one sec.”
Ellie reaches out then and covers JJ’s ears with a reassuring smile. He just sighs and looks at the river rushing past them. This was a regular occurrence in their household.
“I’ve never known you to pass up a chance to get wet,” Ellie addresses Dina now.
“That’s low. And in front of our poor son too.”
“Whatever. He can’t hear me. And anyway, if you want to miss out on the surprise you can camp here for the afternoon,” Ellie offers, tweaking JJ’s ear once with a wink before dropping her hands. “Ready, Spud?”
“Yup!”
Dina chews her lip. She wasn’t a prude. She could still be adventurous and bold. Her wild days weren’t behind her. So with a running jump, she beats JJ and Ellie into the river below.
“Come on, losers,” Dina shouts after them.
Ellie holds their little wicker basket on her arm, trailing Dina as she picks out a few things for dinner that night. The selection wasn’t huge, and supplies were somewhat limited. As a family of three, they were entitled to enough to support their needs – and thankfully, there was plenty go around for the entire community.
Dina drops a sack of flour into the basket.
“And that’s when fucking Rebecca stepped on my shoe, on purpose, to scuff it because I told her I didn’t fix Discmen anymore. Want some primo kush? I’m your girl. Want your portable CD player fixed? Find someone else.”
“Unacceptable behavior,” Ellie nods along, eyes scanning shelves. “Total jerk. What if we didn’t have shoe polish? That shit is not easy to find.”
“Lesbians,” comes a friendly voice from nearby interrupting their important conversation.
Cat appears, reaching for a bag of rolled oats near Ellie’s shoulder.
“Fellow Lesbian,” Ellie greets cordially.
“Did I hear something about kush?”
“You did indeed,” Dina smiles brightly, if insincerely.
“Eugene really picked his successor well,” Cat laughs then peeks inside their basket. “So, what’s on the menu, ladies?”
“Standard American meal. Meat, potatoes, some sort of baked pastry,” Ellie answers.
“Biscuits,” Dina supplies.
“Save me a biscuit and I’ll save you an oatmeal cookie,” Cat addresses Ellie, ignoring Dina.
“Three oatmeal cookies.”
“Then I’ll need two biscuits.”
“You drive a hard bargain, Catherine, but you’ve got yourself a deal.”
“Pleasure doing business with you, Eleanor.”
“Hey,” Dina whispers in the quiet stillness of night. “Is your first name really Eleanor?”
“Fuck no. As far as I’m aware, I’m just plain old Ellie. My mom wasn’t exactly creative,” Ellie laughs. “Were you jealous? Did you think Cat knew something you didn’t?”
“Please.” Dina rolls her eyes. Then she turns and tucks herself closer into Ellie’s side. The moon glows softly through their bedroom window. She rests her head on Ellie’s chest, listening to the steady beat of her heart. “Maybe,” she admits when all Ellie does is run her fingers softly through her hair.
“Want to give me a fancy name?”
“Like, just make one up?”
“Yeah.”
“This is a lot of pressure. I need to think about it.”
They lay in silence for a while, drifting closer to sleep.
“Elvis.”
“Dina.”
“Is there anything fancier than the King of Rock and Roll?”
“Point well taken. Okay, so I’m Elvis…”
“Affirmative.”
“And you’re Dinasaur.” Ellie has every intention of convincing JJ this is the God’s honest truth, starting the following morning.
“Shut the fuck up,” Dina laughs, hugging Ellie tighter. “I love you.”
There are things they don’t ever talk about. It’s an unspoken rule in the apocalypse: some things are better left unsaid.
Then a young man with two scars – one across each cheek – turns up at Jackson’s main gate with a backpack and a bow.
Maria knocks on their door just as the sun is setting.
“Hey, Ellie. Got something for you. Kid at the gate has a hell of a story, and you’re gonna want to hear it.”
“Okay…” Ellie draws out the word, confused. “What’s it have to do with me?”
“That’s what you’ll want to hear,” Maria states flatly, patience thinning.
“Yeah, I bet,” Ellie sighs. “We were just sitting down for dinner. Can it wait?”
“I strongly recommend you take yours to go.”
He’s older now. Filled out and sturdy. All lithe muscle with a few more scars and a healthy tan.
His hair is swoopier now, handsome too.
Ellie is almost relieved to see him, even if the sight brings to mind so much that she regrets. So much she wishes she’d never done.
Him, here, now, means they made it, though. They survived.
“Ellie?” His eyes travel to her left hand. Abby must’ve told him how he’d know it was her. “My name is Lev and I’m with the FRT – the Fireflies Reunification Taskforce stationed out of California. We have some cool news to share from the rest of the world.”
“Well, shit,” Ellie whispers under her breath.
Maria presses a warm mug of something into her hands, understanding the enormity of the moment. She nods toward the empty chair across from Lev.
They have business to discuss.
“What are the odds that this is a trap? That some hulking WLF soldier is waiting at their camp ready to finish the job and crush us with her muscles?”
Ellie is quiet, letting Dina speak.
“You know I have never asked you to revisit that time. I almost don’t even want to know. I don’t want to risk–”
“I’m okay to talk about this if that’s what you need. If we both promise it doesn’t have power over our lives now,” Ellie trails off, hoping her words are true for Dina.
“Yeah. Okay. So, let’s start at the beginning.”
Ellie holds up a finger then jogs out the backdoor. Dina drains her glass in big gulps.
But in a flash, Ellie is back having retrieved an important item from the last of their unpacked boxes in the studio.
She retakes her seat in the family room.
“My journal, from the trip south.”
She hands it off to Dina, who slowly opens the journal to the first page. She immediately spots a sketch of herself, back on the farm. Happy and holding JJ in his carrier. Her eyes water but she refuses to cry. They’ve got a lot of ground to cover still – she’s not allowed to fall apart yet. She thumbs through pages until she gets to something unfamiliar. Nevada, missing JJ, sketches, over and over of his perfect baby face. Like Ellie was paying penance or trying like hell not to forget a single detail.
“I didn’t know you kept this up on the road.”
“Yeah, it’s always helped me clear my head. Make sense of my feelings. Track time. Maria suggested it when I first came to Jackson and, I don’t know, it kept me from losing myself out there.”
Dina nods. “So, Santa Barbara.”
“Santa Barbara,” Ellie breathes out. She sighs and runs her fingers through her hair. She leans her elbows on her knees and starts.
By the time she finishes recounting the tale, Dina has a hand over her mouth. She’d pieced together the basics before. She saw Ellie’s scars, and she knew something had been resolved the hard way. She knew something had led her to a forgiveness of sorts, for herself, for Joel, for Tommy.
But Dina could never bring herself to ask for specifics. Either out of self-preservation or because a petty part of her didn’t want to give more power to a regrettable chapter in their otherwise happy life… The woman she loved pushed to her breaking point, where only leaving their family and going on a suicide mission could give her the slightest chance of ever being okay and at peace again.
Dina understood that, but it was passive, unspoken, until now. Once Ellie was home again and they had sorted out their bullshit, Dina swore to herself to love Ellie unconditionally, whatever happened or didn’t happen while she was gone. But this put a price on that promise. And thankfully Dina found that she was very willing to pay it, knowing Ellie’s soul was lighter as a consequence.
“You saved Abby’s life.”
“I mean… I never thought of it that way. I kind of beat the shit out of her.”
“But imagine if you’d never gone,” Dina whispers. Then she laughs at the absurdity. “I thought he was here to tie up loose ends,” Dina rubs at her right shoulder. “But nope. Big goddamn hero that you are turned a revenge mission into a fucking Rambo rescue. He probably feels like he owes you.”
“So… you aren’t upset?”
“Don’t get me wrong,” Dina warns. “I don’t love that you broke my heart more than a little when you left. But I’m glad you saved them from whatever sick shit was happening there. No human should be kept as a slave. No human should be forced to labor for assholes until they’re executed or fed to clickers. You freed them.”
Ellie tilts her head in thought. Yeah, maybe. But she still left them to fend for themselves. A happy ending didn’t seem likely. At the time, as much as she wanted to hold onto her hate, for all the people they’d lost, she knew it wasn’t anyone’s fault anymore. “I used to have nightmares that they died. After they disappeared into the mist. That Abby bled out or that the kid never got better. That they never found what they were looking for. I’m just… so fucking relieved.”
“Yeah,” Dina agrees softly, reaching for Ellie’s hands. She presses kisses to her knuckles. These hands, capable of so much. “Still, you aren’t meeting with the Fireflies by yourself. I’m coming. So shut up, I can already see your wheels turning.”
Ellie smiles in that crooked way Dina knows is just for her.
“Okay.”
Year Five
It’s not that Abby is forgiven. For Joel or Jesse. Or that Ellie is forgiven, for Mel or Owen or anyone else who crossed Team Jackson’s path.
It’s just that there are things they don’t ever pick at. It’s an unspoken rule in the apocalypse: some wounds are better left to scab over.
“Just, let me get this straight,” Tommy rubs at his beard, hand on hip as he surveys the plans drawn up and spread across the table before them. “You think it’s possible to clean up the entire western corridor, as you call it?”
Daniella, the highest-ranking Firefly to travel with Lev and Abby, settles deeper into her seat, ready to explain this for what must be the millionth time.
“Now that there’s a vaccine, every soldier we put on the front lines is one we don’t have to worry becomes infected and makes our enemy stronger. With reinforcements from the New Zealand Defense Force, we were able to clear a route along the coast. In a reasonable time frame, we could liberate the entire Western United States. It just takes coordination. We need to continue making inroads with communities just like this one so that we can work together. The more we trade with each other, the more we share information and strategy, the more we can help each other finally turn the tide in this war.”
“And this is how New Zealand did it.” Tommy seems skeptical.
“More or less. Their outbreak wasn’t as severe as ours, from everything we’ve heard. They had a working vaccine in ten years. It took another few years to clear their country of infected and rally their survivors. Another few to work their way through neighboring islands,” Daniella gestures to the South Pacific as she finishes.
“The key was Australia’s manufacturing power. Mass producing a vaccine is nearly impossible without modern facilities.” Abby glances up from the map, catching Ellie’s eyes without meaning to. She keeps herself small, knowing no one here owes her safety or kindness.
“And how would we do it?” Maria chimes in, looking at the map from beside Abby.
“We’d use what’s generously been given to us to shore up our numbers. Protect our own. Then we methodically clear out key cities, one by one, until we restore our manufacturing capabilities,” Abby continues.
“Would that necessarily require we militarize?” Tommy asks finally, reluctantly holding Abby’s open and honest gaze.
“No. I’m done with military force. How about you?”
“Yeah,” he sighs. “Yeah, I am too.”
“We do this as unified communities, watching each other’s backs. Our guns are only for the infected. Any humans we come across are allies by nature, even if they don’t know it yet. We can build a better world than this. Jackson—” Abby’s words catch. She steels herself, fingers drumming on the map over their sleepy town. “Jackson is a perfect example of what we need. Where people are given second chances.”
“We’re in,” Ellie announces from her corner of the room, finally speaking.
Maria and Daniella continue to talk shop, their voices muffled through tent walls.
Ellie offers her canteen to Abby where she leans against a tree just outside of where the Fireflies have set up their temporary camp, her eyes on Jackson’s lights in the distance. “It’s the good stuff.”
“Thanks.” Abby takes a drink though she isn’t much of a drinker.
“How…” Ellie starts after a period of silence stretches between them, “the hell did you make contact with the Royal New Zealand Navy?”
“It’s a long story. One I’m not a huge part of. The Fireflies stationed near Santa Barbara had been trying for decades to contact other organizations, near and far. I guess one day, they got lucky.”
“And they have a vaccine.”
“Had one for a long time.” Abby sniffs, taking one last swig before passing the canteen back to Ellie. “I’m sorry you almost died because we were desperate. I’ve talked to scientists and experts in leadership positions who’ve explained how they managed the impossible. And we – my father and the rest of the Fireflies in Salt Lake – were off target by miles. A little girl would’ve been butchered for nothing.”
“Save it,” Ellie licks her lips, looking off into the distance. She thinks of Riley then. And Tess and Sam. All the brave and wonderful friends she’d lost to a stupid bite. Unlucky genetics. “We live in a fucked-up world where shit goes wrong every day no matter how hard we try to do better. Navigating this has felt like choosing between our lives and our souls for so long.” She sighs then, turning to Abby. “You’ve brought us hope. So, forget about the rest. My son gets to grow up in a better world now.”
Abby smiles softly. “Mine too.”
Ellie sits at the long bar of the Tipsy Bison, nursing her whiskey and thinking.
There were five gay people, at most, in all of Jackson, plus two bisexuals despite Cat’s habit of lumping Dina in with the gays.
Maybe connecting with other communities – other countries entirely – would be nice. More than nice, actually.
Before she can ponder the matter further, there’s a commotion from the back kitchen, like the sound of a body crashing into a cart before dropping to the ground with a thud.
Seth’s funeral is as ugly and useless as he was.
Ellie, Dina, and JJ don’t attend.
Jackson gets its first batch of vaccines later that year. A doctor with the naval fleet takes up residence in their dinky clinic, administering vaccine after vaccine until most of the town is covered.
Ellie sits with JJ on her lap as he gets his. The pinch of the needle must sting because he cries and turns into Ellie’s chest like he’s her little Potato again instead of the growing five-year-old he is.
She whispers sweet nothings and presses kisses to his hair, letting him cry until he feels better. The doctor applies a bandage then secrets him a tiny piece of candy.
“Don’t tell the other kids where you got this, alright, mate?”
“I won’t,” he smiles, lashes still wet with tears. “Thanks!”
Ellie feels lighter, even if this doesn’t mean there aren’t still horrors in the world. But JJ won’t have to worry about spores or bites. He’ll have better than a fighting chance. And Ellie won’t be left behind.
She hoists him onto her shoulders as they duck out of the clinic.
He eats his candy in peace.
Maria pulls out a chair in their dining room, fingers steepled.
“We have a long-distance radio setup now. Lev mentioned something about satellites, cell towers and getting a grid up and running in the next year or so, but it all hinges on what force we can bring to bear in our neck of the woods. We’ll need our best out there clearing out infected, securing important infrastructure. I’d have Tommy leading things, but he’s getting long in the tooth.”
“Woman, I am right here.”
“Yeah, and I see you, old man. You and your tight ass are staying right here in Jackson, and that’s the final word.”
Tight ass? Dina mouths to Ellie with a grimace. Ellie can only frown.
Tommy grumbles, arms crossed over his chest as he pins Ellie with a pleading look. “That means you’re up, kid. No one is better on a gun than you. No one is better at slipping in and out of a tight squeeze unharmed. You know how to do it without the kind of primal fear the rest of us have. They’ll get used to it now, with the vaccine, but it’ll take time.”
“I wish I could help. Really, I do. But I’m not that girl anymore. I can,” Ellie licks her lips, glancing at Dina. “I can barely stand to hear a gunshot as it is. I wish I was better so I could help. You know that’s all I’ve ever wanted to do. Be helpful, earn my keep.”
“I know, I know,” Tommy sighs, squeezing her shoulder. “We had to ask.”
Maria’s eyes shift to Dina then, all business. “How about Jackson’s second-best gun?”
Dina breathes evenly, as if the proposition isn’t unexpected. “Whatever we decide, we need time to discuss it as a family first.”
Maria nods as she lifts herself out of her seat.
“We’ll leave you to it then.”
“Think of it as Extreme Patrol.”
“That’s not comforting. At all.”
“Think of it as… your super sexy partner living out her very own comic book adventure. I’m immune now, too, you know.”
“Cute,” Ellie concedes with a soft smile, though her eyes are still sad and guarded. “I just hate the idea of you out there without me watching your back. And I know that sounds weird and over-protective, but I—”
“I get it. That’s how I’ve always felt about you. I hated the days you went out on your own in Seattle. I hated… I hated not being able to follow you to Santa Barbara. So I could keep you safe.” Dina leans into Ellie, pressing her lips to the scar on her arm. It felt like eons ago that Dina had stitched the wound closed. “I even remember feeling lost because you’d gone on that trip by yourself, when we were still moody teenage brats.”
Ellie readjusts her position in bed, wrapping an arm tight around Dina. “Yeah. My trip to Salt Lake City. You didn’t like me for a little while there, it felt like.”
“I didn’t like Cat. I always liked you.”
Ellie swallows and Dina just runs a finger through her hair, tracing down her jaw until she’s softly ghosting the pad of her finger over her lips.
“I want to go, even if I don’t want to go. Does that make sense?”
“Yeah, it does.”
Dina wants a future they’d have to fight for. Ellie understands that.
“I’ll come back to you and JJ in one piece, I promise.”
Ellie goes down on her girl for three hours straight.
She wakes up with Dina kissing down her chest with a quiet hunger born of hazy Sunday mornings.
Year Six
JJ runs ahead of Ellie, Doc’s leash clutched in both hands as he’s half-dragged down the road.
“Need me to take over, buddy?” Ellie breathes out, sweaty from their evening jog.
“I got it, geez!” JJ yells back, his voice shaky. That dog was going to be the death of him.
“Suit yourself,” Ellie singsongs as if knowing. Moments later, JJ is a stunned, dogless heap in the street.
Doc sprints toward their house, his leash trailing behind him like a cape.
She misses Dina when she’s gone. She worries and she frets and she tries her hardest to distract JJ so he doesn’t miss her too badly, feel her absence too acutely.
It’s hard, but she also knows it’s a necessary sacrifice for the greatest cause of their time.
Everyone has their part to play.
Far away from home, rifle slung across her back and pistol in its thigh holster, Dina takes a break from playing cards with Lev to look out at the setting sun, low on the horizon.
She thinks of love and hope, warmed by their campfire and the brilliant pink hues glowing in the sky.
When you’re lost in the darkness, look for the light.