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My Dearest Jaskier,
I broke your heart and now you are furious with me. Rightfully so, I know. I wish I had known what I would lose. I lost more than your love; I lost a friend. I lost someone who really saw me for me. I lost the innocent comfort of your arms always so willing to hold me. There was a peace I felt, unnoticed until it was gone.
You gave me more than love; you gave me true companionship. Where we could sit in silence and feel content. Where we could have a nasty fight and still know tomorrow, we would be okay. Where we could go days without talking and jump right back into our usual routine. I used to wonder when I was young, if I would ever find what we had together. And I am not so naïve to believe that we are soulmates, but you are the closest thing, I think, I will ever find to one.
There had been a simple understanding between us, in a variety of ways. We knew each other wholly, our wants, amusements, aggravations, morals, and motivations. I remember your irrational dislike for tomato’s, you swore on your life that they are deceitful little fruits, they look too much like apples. You told me that one day when you were six, you found one on your grandmother’s kitchen table and bit into it expecting the tangy sweetness of a Winesap apple and got a tomato instead, and to this day you hate them with a passion.
And I remember after an exhausting day, when I would try my best to be engaging and pleasant, you would see right through my bullshit in a matter of minutes and you would just let me be. You knew I needed space in order to feel better and get rid of my overwhelming feelings, and I appreciated that you knew that about me. It was not always like that; I remember the beginning of us. How I kept my guard up and how you relentlessly put your best face forward. We were so terrified of rejection, we had not known at the time, but that is what it was. With time we let down our guards and truly learned each other. And it was so freeing, in a way I only realized looking back, to not have to be my best self all the time and to see you as vulnerable with me as I was with you, and to have that be okay.
There are things we learned about each other that you can only learn with time, things you unknowingly learn. I hadn’t realized how much I knew and cherished about you until one day I was sitting in that tea shop you love in Oxenfurt, the one we always met up at after winter (I don’t know why I did that to myself, it hurt a little in a way I can’t put into words, to be there without you) and I noticed the little decorations they strung up for spring, they were your favorite, the ones with the little bee figurines attached. I instinctively looked to my right, expecting to see your slight smile as you noticed them, but you weren’t there and I felt out of place for a brief moment as my brain caught up with me and I remembered what I had done. It was something you never told me, your liking of the little bees, it was just something I picked up on and silently enjoyed. It was that moment, I think, that made everything I was feeling a little clearer. I was missing every little about you, not just the things you gave me.
I missed you truly and tenderly, I felt a crippling sense of regret as I realized I had thoughtlessly discarded true love. I had not just missed the love, comfort, and understanding you gave me. I missed your happiness, I missed seeing it and being the cause of it. I missed giving you love and warmth and understanding. I missed our partnership and the effortless give and take we both experienced.
I remember when I would push you too far with my teasing after you had a difficult day. You would tell me to knock it off, and minutes later I would tell you a dirty joke which you usually ignored. I would continue to pester you until you turned your anger to me and then I would do my best to diffuse it. You would snap at me with biting words and glare at me, but then could not help but smile. You would give a sigh, as if you were releasing the pressure of your anger from your chest, and you would shake your head in slight amusement and look at me in silent thanks as you went away to decompress. We both know you needed to get your anger out, you could never stew in silence like I could, or else it would build up and you would explode. I learned to turn your anger to me, knowing to never take your words too seriously when you inevitably snapped. I like to think you appreciated that about me.
There was so much between us that was unspoken, so much that we were both aware of yet never put into words. There was a level of perception we both had for each other that I do not think I will ever be capable of again. I wish I could put into words, everything I feel and have ever felt about you, to make you understand the depth of my regret and the anger at myself. I had never thought myself careless or cruel, but what else can I be after I hurt you so.
But here I am, lamenting what I have lost and so selfishly disregarding your hurt. The betrayal you must feel. I wish I could ease your pain; however, nothing will dull that ache but time. And when you find someone new, a person who will truly treasure you as I should have, I pray they never wound your heart. I doubt I will ever know a love like ours again, and I honestly hope I never do. I long for it, but if its is not with you then it will never feel right.
I don’t intend to offer excuses for my actions, it was wrong and I know that. I was a weak man who should have known better, who did know better, yet still acted a fool. You deserve a better partner, one who will not discard your love and care like I did. I do not foresee your forgiveness and I do not intend to beg for it as I know I do not deserve it; I have made peace with that fact.
Unfortunately, I do not think you will ever read this letter; I expect you will burn it the second you get a chance. But I know there is still a chance you may hold your rage in check so that your curiosity may take over (and you will read this letter before promptly ripping it into shreds). I am writing to you on the off chance this letter will give you closure, and I sincerely hope you will be able to move on and find love again. And as much as it pains me to say it, I hope it will be greater than ours was. I am no fool, I know we can never go back to what we were, but I wish you the best all the same.
Yours always,
Geralt