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It wasn’t real, this wasn’t real.
Nightwing knew this. He knew that the things happening around him were effects from the newest sample of fear toxin, and not his reality. He knew it. And still, as he looked around at the abandoned warehouse, melting and twisting, slowly morphing into a distorted courtroom he couldn’t help but feel true fear.
Stumbling away from Scarecrow, he felt the needles that had sunk into his chest retract. Behind him, someone roughly grabbed his arms and bound them together. With a growl, he headbutted the person feeling a deep satisfaction when whoever it was let out a pained yelp. Another person came up to him and forcibly decked him across the jaw in response. Spitting out a mouth full of blood Dick looked up only to come face to face with the rotting corpse of Damian.
Frightened he jerked back, feeling himself be pulled over to what looked like a burnt witness stand. Nightwing had been sure it was a crate just a moment ago. Looking around wildly he noticed more and more of the warehouse changing. The cold concrete opening up into a dark orange sky, the walls of stone morphing into smoldering wooden beams.
A loud gavel sounded and whipping his head towards the noise he saw Scarecrow slink into the Judge’s seat. His burlap mask seemed to be sinking into his face, and the holes where Crane’s eyes usually peaked through were now dark, neverending pits.
“What did you do to me?” Nightwings croaked out, not quite understanding what was going on. Scarecrow grinned, the seam on his mask stretching into a look reminiscent of the Joker.
“You Bats claim that everything you do is in the name of Justice. You take the law into your own hands, even when no one asked you to. You cause destruction. Where you go death follows, and yet nobody stops you. I think it’s about time you faced the consequences of your actions boy.” Standing up Scarecrow opened his arms to the courtroom. The henchmen who had once been there were now replaced with women whose lips were bloody and whose blouses were torn. Men whose bones were bent in horrendous ways, a bat branded on their checks. And children, standing lost, skin clinging to their bones in malnourishment, clothes hanging off their bodies in tatters. Looking out over the desolate crowd Nightwing felt his stomach drop.
“Who are they?”
“Who are they? These are all the people you’ve failed Nightwing. These are the people searching for retribution for the things you’ve put them through. These are your judge, jury, and” A small laugh “executioner.” A long noose unraveled from the ceiling, coming to a stop about 7 feet from the ground. A lone wooden chair was placed under it. Scarecrow turned back to him, gavel in hand.
“You’re on trial Nightwing, and I’d say your odds aren’t good.” Banging the gavel on the bench, the court quieted and the crowd split down the middle allowing for two individuals to come through.
John and Mary Grayson stood before him, their decaying leotards hanging off their bodies. They looked as though they had been dead for 20 years, faces rotting, hair stringy and missing in places. Bits of flesh fell off their hands when the two reached for one another. Their milky eyes locked on their son.
Now here’s the thing, Dick had been injected with scare toxin before. He knew that his reality was warped, knew that it was likely that no one actually stood in front of him now. But still, the sight of his parents sent a shiver of fear down his spine. The corpse of Mary Grayson shook her head, tutting much like Damian did when he was disappointed in something.
“Little bird, look what you’ve done to us. We’re like this because of you, disintegrating in the ground, crumbling into the Earth all because of you.” Dick shook his head, he had this thought enough that though it stung it didn’t hurt.
“Your death wasn’t my fault-”
“DON’T INTERRUPT YOUR MOTHER!” Flinching back Dick’s gaze flickered to his Father. The man was staring at him in disgust and he snarled in anger. Another chill flashed in Dick, never had John Grayson yelled at him, and to hear it now was unsettling. “You saw Zucco cut the ropes, you knew that it wasn’t safe, and yet you told no one. And now we’re dead and you're off playing rent boy to some billionaire.”
“You wanted us to die.” Dick looked back at his Mother.
“No I-I didn’t I-I swear.” A piece of flesh dropped off her face as she flung her head back in laughter.
“You wanted us gone little Robin, if we hadn’t died you wouldn’t have met Batman, wouldn’t have met your brothers ” the word was spat out like venom. “Your life is better with us gone, isn’t it?” Shame filled Dick at the question, he missed his parents, no question about it. But even he couldn’t deny that he loved his life now, loved being a Wayne even if he missed being a part of the Flying Graysons. His shame seemed to be apparent on his face because after a moment Mary spoke again.
“That’s what I thought.” Slowly the two disappeared back into the crowd, leaving Nightwing shaking slightly at the encounter. A minute passed before Scarecrow banged his gavel down again and with a jump, Dick looked up. He had forgotten Crane was still there.
“I assume you’re ready for your next witness?” If there was one comfort to Nightwing it was that even though Crane was in the room with him, he was unable to see Dick’s hallucinations, unable to learn his shame. Another pounding of the gavel and the crowd opened again, a tall orange woman stepped through, red hair curling down to the floor. Unlike his parents, Starfire was not rotting, but she was looking at him in pure disgust.
“Kory?”
“You’re weak.” Her voice was cold, detached from the usual warmth that colored her words. There was only one time he had ever heard her sound like that and it was when he had just turned eighteen.
“I didn’t mean to.” Starfire bounded over to him and lifting him up by the neck she pulled him out of the witness stand and threw him to the ground. He lay on his back for a moment dazed, watching as Kory placed her heeled foot on his neck and pressed down. His hands were still tied behind his back and so all he could do was choke and sputter as the airflow was cut off.
“Pathetic, to think I ever let you into my bed. To think I allowed myself to fall for a man who was so pitiful that he couldn’t even stop his own rape. Splitting his legs open without hesitation, without thinking just so he could get a good fuck. And then when you realized it wasn’t me, you couldn’t even get yourself from out under her.”
“I-I-I tried, I p-pushed her but she was too-”
“Strong?” Kory finally lifted her foot from off his throat and with a gasping breath, Dick rolled to his side. “You’re supposed to be a hero Nightwing. She was a woman, you were stronger than her. If you really had wanted it to stop you would have stopped it.” More shame filled Dick, but he shook his head regardless. The incident with Mirage happened ten years ago and he knew that he wasn’t to blame for it.
“You’re wrong.” Kory harshly kicked Dick’s stomach, causing him to flip over to his other side with a groan. He could hear her step closer to him and lean down, her curly hair brushing his face.
“Pathetic” He could hear the footsteps walk away and another gavel pound echoed throughout the room. Dick However did not move from where he lay, instead he tucked his head into his chest and kept his eyes closed.
“I called you.” A sharp breath hitched in his throat but still, Dick didn’t look. “Before I left I called you, I even went to your apartment but you were off on some Titan mission. So I left, I went with her and I was murdered because you didn’t pick up.”
“Jay I-”
“Am I wrong?” Finally opening his eyes, Dick looked up and saw Jason standing in front of him. But it wasn’t the Jason he had seen earlier that day. 24 years old, taller than bruce, white streak running through his auburn hair. This Jason was small, just turned 15, his hair was curled and fell in front of a familiar domino mask. Gloved hands were crossed in front of his red chest, and a yellow cape fluttered around his shoulders.
This was the Jason Dick had seen two weeks before his death.
“I asked you a question Dickface, am I wrong?” The shame Dick had felt when he had talked to his parents and Kory were nothing to what he felt now. Because with them he logically knew that what had happened hadn’t been his fault. He had been a kid when Zucco murdered his parents and a victim when Mirage decided to rape him. No matter what the hallucinations said he knew that.
But with Jason, he couldn’t dismiss his failure so easily. When he returned home from the Titans mission two months after Jason’s death he had found three voicemails on his phone. The first was Jason telling him that he met Catherine, that he was coming over to Dick’s apartment because he didn’t know what to do. The second was from Bruce, frazzled and worried, telling Dick that Jason had run off and he hadn’t been able to find him. The third and last message was also from Jay, halfway to Ethiopia alone with a woman who didn’t care about him, hours away from being murdered by a psychopathic clown.
If Dick hadn’t been with the Titans when Jason had visited he could have stopped him. He would have never left Gotham, he wouldn’t have been killed, wouldn’t have dug himself out of his own grave, wouldn’t have become Red Hood. If he had been there for his brother none of those things would have happened.
Distantly he heard the gavel pound again and realized that Jason must have left. All Dick could do was wait for his next witness, and he didn’t have to wait long. Loud footfalls neared him and he felt himself be lifted up by his neck again, choking as he looked down at a man he hadn’t seen in over five years.
Blockbuster was grinning up at him with a bullet hole right between his eyes.
“I’m going to make this quick Grayson, you don’t have to pretend that you feel any real remorse from my death because you don’t, do you?” Dick couldn’t answer as Blockbuster tightened his hold on his neck. “But this isn’t about remorse, this is about failure and you failed me. I may be a villain but you're a hero and you stepped aside while that little spider killed me” He let out a disdained snort, swinging Nightwing in front of him so that the rest of the crowd could see the hero struggling for breath. “The great and mighty Nightwing! Not even man enough to kill me himself. Raped while having a panic attack.” Finally, he let go and Dick fell to the ground with gasping breaths. He glared up at Blockbuster, he would always regret letting Catalina kill the man, but he would never be upset he was dead.
“Fuck you.” It was silent for a moment before Blockbuster let out a booming laugh.
“You’re no hero Grayson, you're just a sad man trying to make his life mean something.” Without another word, the villain slinked back into the crowd, swallowed by the masses. Standing up, Dick looked around waiting for someone else to taunt him, when no one did he turned back to Scarecrow who was watching him. Even though Dick couldn’t see the man’s face he knew Crane was curious about what Dick was seeing. Dick wouldn’t give him any satisfaction.
“Anyone else?” Before Crane could answer a cold voice sounded from behind Dick.
“Just one more.” Turning around Dick came face to face with Bruce Wayne. The man was dressed in the Batman suit but the cowl was nowhere to be found. Gray eyes pierced into his, and the familiar face of his Father left Dick feeling unusually uneasy.
“B?” This didn’t make sense, the people he had been seeing were people he had failed. He hadn’t failed Bruce, at least not in any way that was important. Bruce stepped closer but unlike Kory and Blockbuster, he did not try to touch Dick. He stood with a few feet of distance between them, shoulders tense and face frowned in disappointment. Cold and distant.
It reminded Dick of the night he had been fired.
“You didn’t look for me.” Dick blinked, not quite comprehending his words.
“I-what?”
“You didn’t look for me.” There was no emotion coloring Bruce’s words, no infliction, it was almost like he was giving a mission report. All facts. “You took my name, my son, and you didn’t look for me.” Dick didn’t understand, he had just been trying to do his best when Bruce had disappeared.
“I was grieving. We all thought you were dead, all of us, there was no reason to believe-”
“Tim didn’t, Tim knew I was still alive, he told you I was and still you did nothing.” Dick shook his head, panic climbing up his throat.
“I made a mistake, but I was just trying to do what was best for-”
“For you?”
“For Damian.” Bruce quirked an eyebrow at that.
“Damian. You’ve always loved him more than the others. The best thing for him would have been to have his Father back Dick. Is that why you didn’t want me to come back? You didn’t want me to take him from you? You wanted to be his Father, didn’t you.” Dick’s mouth dropped open at the statement. Bruce couldn’t actually think that, could he? Had some part of Dick’s subconscious picked up on something that Bruce thought but hadn’t said.
“You can’t actually believe that B. If I had known you were alive I would have done anything.”
“And yet you didn’t.” All of a sudden Dick was standing on the wooden chair that had been placed in the middle of the room. Bruce moved towards him. “You didn’t because you didn’t want to give up Damian. Didn’t want to share him with his own Father. Didn’t want me to come back and ruin what you had built for yourself.” The words coming from Bruce were so matter of fact that Dick couldn’t help but to begin to believe them. Couldn’t help but stare in anguish as Bruce slipped the noose around Dick’s neck and tighten it. “You resented me when I came back because suddenly Damian didn’t just want to spend time with you , he wanted to be with me. You resented that I took back Batman, that we moved back into the manor. You wish that I had stayed dead.”
“No. God no B.” Dick whispered, heartbroken because he couldn’t seem to find where the hallucination stopped and reality began.
“It’ll be better when you’re gone Dick, for all of us.” The gavel fell once more and for a second Dick was falling. Just for a second though, because suddenly the rope pulled taut and for the third time that night Dick couldn’t breathe.
His legs kicked wildly as he hung there, swinging his body back and forth. His hands, which were still tied behind his back clenched frantically, desperately trying to get free. Faintly he could hear someone laughing behind him, but all he could see beyond the fuzzy dots encroaching on his vision was those he had failed.
Mary and John Grayson, Starfire, Jason, Blockbuster, and Bruce all stood in front of him watching. Not laughing, not talking, just watching, blankly.
Slowly the room became dimmer and dimmer, and Dick felt his body slow from its frantic jerking. The heat from his chest that came from a lack of oxygen was still there, along with the panic, but it felt as though Dick no longer had any energy. Looking up he made direct eye contact with each of the figures in front of him, mouthing a silent apology, before feeling his heavy eyelids shut.
“NIGHTWING!”
*****************************
Silence, that was the first thing Dick noticed when he woke up.
No one was speaking, no one was laughing. There wasn’t the sound of distant Gotham traffic or blaring sirens. There was nothing, but silence. The second thing he noticed was the feeling of a hot heavy hand clutching his own. Calluses freckled along the knuckles and on the inside of the palm. Dick knew this hand.
Blinking his eyes slowly Dick stared upwards at the dark cave ceiling, stalagmites hanging from far up above. Looking around he saw the familiar white screen of the med-bay blocking out the rest of the cave. To his left a machine sat beeping softly in time with his heartbeat, next to it an IV bag hung, and following the cord down he saw where the needle was secured to the back of his hand. His other hand was holding onto someone else’s and following the arm up he saw Bruce sitting on his right, head bowed as though in thought.
He opened his mouth and attempted to say his Father’s name but felt a sharp agonizing pain flicker down his throat, and all that came out was a muffled whimper. That was enough however because in an instant Bruce's head had snapped up to look at him. Relief instantly coloring his face.
“Dickie you’re awake.” Unable to talk Dick lifted his hand and gently placed it on his throat, Bruce understood immediately.
“It’s bruised, luckily it wasn’t broken. We were worried when we first found you hanging there but it’ll heal alright. Leslie mentioned that you won’t be able to talk for a few days.” Dick eased his other hand out of Bruce’s and began to sign.
‘Scarecrow?” Bruce frowned, controlled anger flickering in his eyes.
“In Arkham, he tricked us. Lead us on a wild goose chase all around Gotham. By the time we found you...” Bruce got up in frustration running a hand through his hair, turning his back to Dick he tried to get the better of his emotions. A familiar cold mask slipped over him and his next words came out cold, matter of fact . “I thought we were too late.”
Immediately Dick froze, for a moment he was back in the courtroom and all he could see was Bruce standing in front of him telling him all the ways he had failed. Bruce noticed the look of panic on his face and immediately rushed back over to him. The mask was gone and replaced with concern.
“Hey, Dickie it’s alright. Whatever happened with Scarecrow is over okay? We got all the fear toxin out of your system, and he’s not going to come near you again.” Dick shook his head, Bruce didn’t understand, it wasn’t Scarecrow that frightened Dick.
‘I’m sorry I didn’t look for you the year you were gone . I’m glad you're back, you know that right? ’ Bruce looked at Dicks hands in confusion, not understanding what he had signed.
“Of course I know that Dick, you know I’m not angry that you didn’t look, I would have done the same thing in your shoes.” The words helped ease the pit in his chest, but still uncertainty remained.
‘Did I fail you?-’
“No.” Bruce clamped down on Dicks hands and he lowered himself so that the two were eye level. His face was serious but open. “I don’t know everything that happened tonight Dick, and I don’t know what you saw but you didn’t fail me. You’ve never failed me. You’re the one who keeps me sane, who keeps me going. We’ve all made mistakes, all of us, and you and I have had our ups and downs. But not once did you ever let me down.” Flinging himself into his Father’s arms Dick buried his head into Bruce’s chest. Instantly Bruce’s hands were around him hugging him tightly.
“I’ve got you chum.”