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Everyone was born with a heart that belonged to someone else. Their bodies were mere hosts for the heart of another, sustaining the vital organ and surviving until they met the true owners and exchanged hearts that had been handled with care. No body was fully complete until its heart was returned. That was the rule of the universe: everyone was tasked with the heart of their soulmate.
Lan Wangji was born with a heart that burned him from the inside out, a heat too harsh for life in the clouds, a silent warmth that comforted him on his loneliest days. At fifteen, his right wrist burned with the same warmth, hot enough to be distracting, but not enough to be painful. It was a playful heat, one that flittered and danced over his wrist to inscribe the mark of the sun in vibrant red. He tucked his sleeve down to hide it, a not-shameful but secretive burn that accompanied him through classes until he was in the privacy of the jingshi at the end of the day. He sat on his bed, traced his soul mark with his fingertips over and over again until he committed it to memory. That was the first night he stayed up past curfew.
Wei Wuxian was born with a heart that remained cool even in the hottest Yunmeng afternoons, when the sun shone too bright as he stripped to his inner robes and dove into the lakes with his shidis , gorging themselves on watermelon sneaked in by shijie , stealing lotus seeds from the cranky old man that chased him through the lakes, brandishing his rod like justice waiting to be served. It was a coolness that kept him grounded despite the sting of whips and cutting words, a cold balm to soothe his injuries, both old and new. At fifteen, his left wrist burned with a coldness so sharp it almost felt hot, but not cold enough to freeze the blood in his veins. It was a reassuring coolness, one that methodically moved about to inscribe the mark of the moon in soft blue. Wei Wuxian had never been the easiest student to manage, never being able to pay attention for more than five minutes at a time, but it was practically impossible for anyone to tear his gaze away from his soul mark for the entirety of the day. If it wasn't for shijie bringing him bowls of soup, he wouldn't have remembered to eat.
Lan Wangji knew from the moment he met Wei Wuxian, first at the entrance to his home and then on the rooftop, that he no longer held the rights to the heart in his body. Defiant, talkative, shameless Wei Wuxian, who was bright smiles and witty words. Wei Wuxian, who had the most beautiful silver eyes and long black hair tied back with a vibrant red ribbon. There had never been a doubt about who his heart belonged to, for he had never seen anyone else who shone as brightly as Wei Wuxian, whose love radiated as naturally as the way the sun gave out heat.
Wei Wuxian was dangerous. He was untamed nature, the hurricane that appeared out of thin air to upturn everything Lan Wangji thought he knew about the world, about himself, only to disappear as suddenly as he arrived. The rule of the universe stated that everyone was tasked with the heart of their soulmate, but there was no guarantee that everyone would care for the heart in their body, nor was there any form of guarantee that the heart, when returned to its original owner to do with as they pleased, would not be tossed around, played with, broken. Wei Ying was dangerous, and Lan Wangji had never wanted so badly to be broken. Wei Ying was bright smiles and witty words and Lan Wangji was terrified.
"Lan Zhan, give me your forehead ribbon!"
The Lan Sect forehead ribbon was sacred, only to be touched by family and significant others. Lan Wangji took off his forehead ribbon with great care and wound it around the vibrant red sun on his right wrist and around the mark on Wei Ying's wrist to bind himself to his soulmate, to stake his claim—his heart is mine to cherish, as mine is his to destroy. It was a childish move, but he thought his mother would have approved. She had been many things, but she had never been repentant, not when it came to matters of the heart. Love was a selfish thing, and she never pretended otherwise.
When the Cloud Recesses burned, the heart in Lan Wangji's body burned along with it, a red hot anger that demanded for justice to be served.
"Lan Zhan!"
Wei Wuxian was flying towards the monster before he knew what he was doing—he had no idea what he was doing. All he knew, as he placed himself between the teeth of a monster strong enough to effortlessly snap his body in two, was that Lan Zhan was in between said teeth of said monster and he had to get him out, no matter what it took. At fifteen, infinitely curious of the world and soulmate bonds, stepping onto the lower jaw of the beast and pushing its upper jaw up, up, up, Wei Wuxian learned two things. First, that the ability to tap into one's soulmate's cultivation strength was not a myth. Second, that his soulmate was not only a cultivator, but a very, very strong one, their core a pillar of strength waiting to be leaned on. As he carried Lan Zhan to safety, he hoped his soulmate didn't mind him borrowing so much strength. They were probably feeling a little weak right now, maybe as weak as Lan Zhan, who could barely stay conscious long enough to help Wei Wuxian pick out medicinal herbs from a perfume sachet.
When Lotus Pier burned, the cool heart in Wei Wuxian's body was the only thing that kept him grounded enough to keep moving. It was the only thing holding him together so he could be the one to hold his siblings together.
It was a painful three days and three nights. The most painful days of Lan Wangji's life, and the most frightening. Noise was forbidden in the Cloud Recesses, but that was punishment to be taken later. For now, Lan Wangji laid in bed, whimpering at the feeling of loss in their soul connection. The Jiangs had been massacred. His soulmate was on the run. He could no longer tap into Wei Ying's golden core. The only thing keeping Lan Wangji grounded was the vibrant red sun on his wrist, a steady assurance that Wei Ying was still alive. As quickly as the pain had started, it disappeared. He woke up on the fourth day with a restored connection to Wei Ying's core, only it felt different, untappable, inert. Their connection had never been the same again, but Wei Ying was alive, Wei Ying's core was stable, and that was all that mattered.
Every cultivator had their own golden core that belonged to them, but could be shared among soulmates. It wasn't a placeholder for future exchange, not something precious they had been entrusted with. When Wei Wuxian dug out his golden core, he prayed for his soulmate's forgiveness. Maybe he wouldn’t be able to lend them any more strength, but he vowed to take extra care of their heart.
The next time Lan Wangji met Wei Ying was three months after Lotus Pier had burned, after something happened to alter their core connection, after Jiang Wanyin appeared at the doors of the Unclean Realm, weak and starved and looking for his brother. Wei Ying was too skinny, jaded, with silver eyes that shone with unspoken trauma and bruising underneath his eyes that told Lan Wangji that the Burial Mounds had not been kind to Wei Ying. The relief that came with seeing his soulmate was quickly replaced with morbid horror as Lan Wangji watched Wei Ying command resentful energy like he had been doing it his whole life, like he had been born for it, like he didn't pose it as a mere theory while studying in the Cloud Recesses and he didn't insist that he had no intention of dabbling in demonic cultivation.
"Wei Wuxian!" He had begged.
"Lan Wangji."
As Lan Wangji left Wen Chao at Wei Ying and Jiang Wanyin's mercy, he couldn't help the feeling that he had lost a part of his soulmate. They had never recognised their bond for what it was—Lan Wangji didn’t know if it was because Wei Ying had not yet figured it out, or if Wei Ying was not prepared to acknowledge it, but Lan Wangji was willing to wait, no matter the reason. Wei Ying was back, and Wei Ying was alive. Lan Wangji should be happy, but there was no denying that whatever had happened to Wei Ying had shifted the balance of their bond for good. Still, Lan Wangji should be happy.
Wei Ying was different now. Lan Wangji was determined to know this version of Wei Ying, as he was determined to love every version of him. Wei Ying was the sun, and Lan Wangji was a mere human, hoping to be worthy of standing at his side.
Wei Ying shone too brightly for the world, bright enough that it would burn Lan Wangi from the inside out and he was terrified, he had always been terrified. It wouldn’t take long before Lan Wangji made the mistake of letting Wei Ying go. Lan Wangji's life had always been dictated by rules and Wei Ying had always been the exception to every rule that had been set for him, and by the time Lan Wangji realised that he could not possibly go back to a life with rules and no Wei Ying, Wei Ying was long gone. Lan Wangji was left standing in the rain. He dropped his umbrella, looked up at the night sky and pretended that it was raindrops that slid down his cheeks.
Lan Wangji took the trip to the Burial Mounds against his uncle’s orders. There was a certain kind of nausea that came with disobedience, a certain kind of ungratefulness that came with failing to be filial, a certain kind of squeezing in his chest that threatened to steal the air from his lungs and held his oxygen as ransom until he turned back to Gusu, tail between his legs to ask for punishment. In Yiling, Lan Wangji discovered that there was a certain kind of squeezing in his chest that threatened to steal the air from his lungs, an oompf that ripped the oxygen out of his body as soon as he saw his soulmate, and he thought he preferred this kind of feeling, because he didn’t mind asphyxiating if it meant that a part of him lived in Wei Ying.
Wei Wuxian looked at Lan Zhan—strict, elegant, golden-eyed immaculately dressed Lan Zhan—watched how he interacted with A-Yuan and knew it wasn’t possible, but he felt a warmth blooming in the emptiness of his chest where his core used to rest.
Lan Wangji left Wei Ying and the Burial Mounds way too soon, with a head full of questions—what is right? What is wrong?—and regret that he still had air in his lungs, a physical reminder that he failed to give Wei Ying all that he could provide.
Lan Wangji never made mistakes in his handwriting, but he still discarded numerous drafts before he finalised the letter to invite Wei Ying to Jiang Yanli’s wedding, invite Wei Ying back into his life, invite Wei Ying back to Gusu where he could protect Wei Ying because Lan Wangji's life had always been dictated by rules and the rules had kept him safe, and he believed that the rules would keep Wei Ying safe, too.
Wei Wuxian met Lan Zhan on the rooftop of Nightless City, and a part of him wanted to tell Lan Zhan to leave, to look away from the sad, pitiful man he had become. He was the Yiling Patriarch, a demonic cultivator, he had controlled and killed and robbed a husband from his sister, robbed a father from his nephew, and Lan Zhan was Hanguang-Jun, the embodiment of order, the swift hand of justice. He had known the day would come where he would die at Lan Zhan's hand, but knowing never made it any easier.
Maybe Wei Wuxian was imagining the look in Lan Zhan's eyes—desperate, overflowing with unspoken emotion, not a single trace of hatred—as Lan Zhan opened his mouth to say something, but he stopped listening because suddenly all he heard was “A-Xian!” and the world faded away into a blur of pain and hurt and get away from her! and why why why I thought I could control them until the last thing Wei Wuxian saw was Lan Zhan at the edge of the cliff, holding onto him like a lifeline, like he couldn’t afford to lose him, and Wei Wuxian didn’t have time to process his importance to Lan Zhan before his brother arrived, all betrayed hurt and hateful anger—the kind of anger that had no source, no target, a hurricane that destroyed everything in its wake, the kind of anger that hurt because there’s nobody to be angry at—and he let go.
Lan Wangji plays Inquiry every day, paying no heed to his bleeding fingers or the pained, helpless look in his brother's eyes whenever Lan Xichen visits him in the Cold Pond Cave. Lan Wangji looks around the cave and sees Wei Ying, hears Wei Ying complain about the coldness of the pond, feels his forehead ribbon wound around his right wrist, a tangible bond to his soulmate. After three years of solitude have been paid, Lan Wangji continues trying to get better and better at Inquiry even after Lan Qiren himself tells him that he’s mastered everything about Inquiry, from the vocabularies and intricacies to authority over invoked spirits. Lan Wangji ventures into the restricted section of the library, convinced that he’s just not doing it right because his mark never completely faded, remaining a taunting grey that screams purgatory, screams lost soul, screams Wei Ying, where are you?
Lan Wangji hears the melody of a song being played on a flute and wonders if he is once again dreaming. It is a sound foreign yet familiar, a song Lan Wangji knows by heart, a song played with the care of an experienced flutist, a song played off-key as if the flutist were rusty after sixteen years without practice, a song that screams I am here and suddenly the world is a lot brighter now that the sun has risen. Lan Wangji inhales deeply, his lungs expanding fully with oxygen and he is standing so close to Wei Ying, his fingers closed around Wei Ying's soul mark, hand clasped around Wei Ying's wrist so tightly that Wei Ying won't slip through his fingers again. Lan Wangji wants so desperately to put their lips together and give Wei Ying every breath of air that he holds, if only to ensure that Wei Ying has more than enough oxygen to survive at least a hundred years.
Wei Wuxian wakes up in the jingshi and feels oddly at home in a way he hasn’t felt in a very long time. Lan Zhan is patient with him, and Lan Zhan knows how to handle Wei Wuxian's witty remarks. Lan Zhan is willing to listen to Wei Wuxian talk about everything under the sun and Lan Zhan listens , and remembers, and not once in this lifetime does Lan Zhan silence him. Wei Wuxian thinks he’s slowly starting to fall for Lan Zhan and his callused guqin-worn fingertips, his tender caretaking, the way Lan Zhan provides jar after jar of liquor—alcohol is forbidden in the Cloud Recesses—like an offering to a deity, almost in worship with a reverence Wei Wuxian does not deserve but accepts anyway because Wei Wuxian is selfish and Wei Wuxian has always been good at taking what does not belong to him.
They pay their respects to Madam Yu and Unc-Jiang Fengmian and Wei Wuxian prays, knowing he has no right to ask anything of them after all that he had taken and taken from them and given back nothing but pain and tragedy but he prays anyway, can I have Lan Zhan? Just Lan Zhan? I won’t ask for anything else, I know I don’t deserve him and I know I’m far from being the person he deserves and I know his heart isn't mine to destroy but I can’t seem to not be selfish when it comes to him, can I be allowed just this one thing?
Lan Wangji watches Wei Ying, eyes closed in prayer and lips tilted down in sadness. Lan Wangji wants to kiss the sadness away until Wei Ying is smiling.
Jiang Wanyin arrives. They fight. Wei Ying collapses. Lan Wangji is prepared to fight his way out of Lotus Pier—anything to get Wei Ying away from here, when Wen Ning arrives and Lan Wangji learns more than he ever expected to. Lan Wangji finds a boat and Wen Ning rows them away from Jiang Wanyin. He places Wei Ying's head on his lap and cards his fingers through Wei Ying's messy hair. Lan Wangji thinks back to the three days and three nights of unbearable pain and loneliness before his world tried to right itself but never really got back to normal, always a constant tilt towards uncertainty and an emptiness that didn’t make sense.
"Was it painful?" Lan Wangji asks, and the look on Wen Ning's face tells him that he's not going to like the answer.
He wonders how much worse it had been for Wei Ying, who did not even have the privilege of going unconscious, how Wei Ying is still suffering—his core can reach out to Wei Ying’s core, in Jiang Wanyin, albeit with no response, but Wei Ying has no such means of knowing if his soulmate is alive, let alone reach out to Lan Wangji. He thinks of the time he felt abandoned because Wei Ying refused to let go of demonic cultivation to come back to Gusu with him, and it dawns on him with growing nauseating horror that he had been the one to abandon Wei Ying in his time of need.
Jin Guangyao is dealt with and Wei Wuxian is exhausted. Blood is spilled and tears are shed and past relationships are confronted and closure is given and Wei Wuxian is a step closer to figuring out exactly which incidents he should hold himself accountable for—Lan Zhan insists that none of it had ever been his fault, but there’s a constant nagging at the back of his head that tells him that Jin Guangyao had been right, that it would have happened sooner or later simply because Wei Wuxian existed.
Lan Wangji tells Wei Ying about A-Yuan, and he asks Wei Ying to come back to Gusu with him.
"Am I welcome there?" Wei Ying asks. Is there a place for me in Gusu? Wei Ying doesn't ask.
Lan Wangji hears him anyway.
"There has always been a place in Gusu made ready for you," he responds. "A place in Gusu, in the Cloud Recesses, in my life. I bound us together with my forehead ribbon, and I have yet to return your heart."
Wei Wuxian scrambles to pull back his sleeve to look at the soft blue moon. He reels as the pieces slowly click into place—how Lan Zhan had never once hated him, how Lan Zhan had always been the one he could rely on, how Wei Wuxian himself was ranked fourth on the list of young masters and Lan Zhan was ranked second and Wei Wuxian's soulmate's cultivation strength had been equal to his, if not stronger, how he had always felt calm and in control when he was with Lan Zhan, as if the soothing coolness in his borrowed heart had expanded outwards to encompass him. Wei Wuxian's hands shake as he carefully, gently takes Lan Zhan's wrist, looking to Lan Zhan for permission—am I allowed this?—and Lan Zhan nods and Wei Wuxian presses their marks together and oh, he has brought nothing but pain and suffering to the people around him and he is the last person to deserve this but Lan Zhan is his. Wei Wuxian has found his soulmate and his soulmate is Lan Zhan and Lan Zhan loves him and had loved him all those years before and Lan Zhan has always been his to love, to hurt, to push away, to destroy.
Lan Zhan, precious, sweet, patient Lan Zhan, has not only taken care of Wei Wuxian's heart. Lan Zhan has raised their son well, and Wei Wuxian feels inadequate.
Wei Ying, fierce, shameless, dangerous Wei Ying, is bright smiles and witty words and for all that Lan Wangji is terrified of being destroyed, Wei Ying has never once treated his heart with anything less than utmost care and devotion, and Lan Wangji feels inadequate.
In ancient Chinese mythology, there used to be ten suns. The world could not handle the force of all ten suns, shining too brightly that no crop could survive on an Earth that was burning from the inside out. Salvation came in the form of Hou Yi, the greatest archer of the time, who shot down nine of the ten suns, plunging the world into darkness as the last sun cowered in fear. It took a lot of coaxing and unbearably cold, dark nights before the remaining sun rose to bestow his warmth even at his own risk, too in love with the Earth to watch her people suffer. Wei Wuxian shines too bright for the world. He shines so bright it blinds the people around him, threatens their chances at survival. He had been born a target, a kite in the sky for archers to take their shot at, and he had come back, again and again, at his own expense, giving all of himself to a world who took him for granted. He has come back after sixteen years of wandering, readily giving all of his love to a Lan Wangji who took him for granted. Not anymore. Lan Wangji’s life has always been dictated by rules and the rules had kept him safe but the rules have not been kind to Wei Wuxian, and he will do everything in his power to protect Wei Wuxian from the rules, even if it means that he has to give up their protection.
If Wei Wuxian is the sun, the human embodiment of freedom and what it means to love without restraint, it is only natural that Lan Wangji is the moon, a stable, consistent pillar of love unmoved by the Earth’s forces, the source of light that never fails to illuminate the world in the darkest nights. He is reliable, stable. He loves unconditionally, his love a warm blanket draped over the world and everyone in it. Wei Wuxian shines too bright for the world, but not too bright for Lan Wangji, who is the moon, his companion, the only one able to withstand Wei Wuxian's brand of love, absorbing what he can and reflecting it upon the world. If Lan Wangji is the moon that illuminates the night sky, it is only because Wei Wuxian has shown him the light.
‘So goodnight moon, and goodnight you,
when you're all that I think about,
all that I dream about.
How'd I ever breathe without
a goodnight kiss from goodnight you?
The kind of hope they all talk about,
the kind of feeling we sing about.’