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It was the visual memory of her lower back that kept sneaking up on him.
Naked, smooth, flawless skin.
Bathed in starlight.
Her long hair, untamed, was flowing over the area gently, like waves licking the shore of a lake, as they moved together.
“Damn it,” he cursed when reality came rushing back in.
He was on the bridge, he was in present time, and his Kathryn Janeway was sitting to his right, clad in her Starfleet uniform. Her body was tense, her hair much shorter, and she was giving him a concerned look.
Reality was mocking him, he thought. Good, because he deserved it.
He took a deep breath in and a long breath out.
“Are you alright, Commander?” she asked.
“I apologize, Captain,” he said and gave her a quick smile. “I’m still a bit distracted from recent events.”
“That’s understandable,” she said, not letting go of his eyes just yet.
He smiled at her again, then looked down at the console.
Of all the stupid things he’d done in his life, sleeping with a past-her topped the lot.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
He should have walked away the first time.
Shouldn’t have listened when she suggested he should stay a little longer, tell her about himself so that she may have that proverbial ace up her sleeve when all hell breaks loose and she’ll have to convince a past-him of how things must be.
“What’s another couple of hours when you’re playing with time?” he’d said to her, and when had he last seen that twinkle of mischief in her beautiful eyes?
He inhaled sharply and looked up at his Captain who, again, gave him a concerned look.
Spirits, those eyes.
He recalled the moment he’d watched past-her close those eyes when he was gently fucking her from behind. Her, sitting on his lap, the backs of her thighs on top of his, her little body pressed completely against his, his face on the side of her face, and him nipping at the soft skin just behind her ear.
He’d given her a love bite then. Just by her collarbone. He’d sucked the delicate flesh until she whimpered in pain.
The memory of the noise shot straight to his groin.
Damnation!
And what a shame, his still sex-hazed brain thought, that past-him never gets to see that love bite. Because she wouldn’t.
He quickly glanced over at his Captain.
Or would she?
And what would he have done if she’d shown him one way back then, and had claimed it was a future-him who’d put it there?
There’d always been that steady hum of desire between them, sure, but what would have happened if he’d known that a future-him had found it necessary to mark her in such an infantile way.
Her, a Starfleet captain who hadn’t gotten to where she was by breaking the rules.
What had he done?
He needed to go back and un-do it, really. Not just the love bite, all of it. But it was impossible, of course.
What if they’d well and truly fucked it?
For all four of them.
Four? He thought. Spirits, fantasising about the possible implications of present-him and past-her’s little indiscretion made his head spin.
And he knew he couldn’t go back, and really, what was done was done; he’d have to live with it. They all had to live with it.
He wondered if she was okay. Past her. If she was thinking about him. Them. If she could still feel his hands on her skin, and his mouth. The way he moved inside her. Could she still taste him?
He leant back in his chair and pinched the bridge of his nose.
“Commander,” the gentle voice of his Captain said, and he felt her hand on his arm. “Get some rest. That’s an order.”
He opened his eyes and looked at her.
“Aye, Captain,” he said, and made his way to his quarters.
He didn’t get changed, just let himself fall onto his bed.
Why had he thought it would be a good idea?
Why hadn’t he stopped it?
Why hadn’t she?
And why hadn’t the sex sucked? Spirits, if only it could have sucked.
He groaned and buried his head in his pillow.
He was so in love with her.
*
She’d ordered him to see the Doctor, and of course he’d complied and dragged himself to sickbay after sleeping for ten hours.
“I have many areas of expertise, but I’m afraid time travel isn’t one of them,” the Doctor said and shone a torch in Chakotay’s eye. “Any other symptoms apart from extreme fatigue?”
“No,” the commander said and sighed. Enough of this, he thought. He knew very well what was wrong with him. Besides, it was all his fault, and he deserved all the pain and discomfort his body had to offer.
“Physically you are fighting fit, Commander,” the Doctor concluded, and Chakotay hopped off the bed.
“Good.”
“But may I suggest you take it easy. And I believe it is also my duty to suggest you speak to someone.”
“Speak?” Chakotay asked and put on his jacket.
“Yes. Speak. Sometimes talking through difficult experiences will help a person to better come to terms with them. I know we don’t have a counsellor on board, but I am always willing to lend an ear. Or maybe you’ll be more comfortable speaking to the Captain, I know you and she have a—”
“Thanks, Doctor. I’ll take that into consideration.”
“Very good.”
“Can I go?”
“You’re free to resume your duties, Commander,” the Doctor said, typing away on his PADD.
She wasn’t on the bridge, so he made his way to her ready room.
“Come,” her stern voice called.
The doors opened and he stepped inside.
Seeing her sent a sharp pain through his insides.
“Commander,” she said, and her face lit up. She got out of her chair and made her way around her desk. “How are you feeling?”
“The Doctor has given me a clean bill of health. Reporting for duty, Captain,” he said and smiled back at her.
“I’m glad,” she said and put her hand on his shoulder. “But I asked how you’re feeling.”
He looked at her. “Has the Doctor spoken to you?”
“What? Just now? No. Why?”
“It’s just that, oh, never mind. I’m feeling fine, Kathryn. Thanks for asking.”
She smiled but her eyes kept inquiring.
“What have I missed?” he asked just to get away from her.
“Let’s sit,” she said, and they made their way up to the sofa. “Tea?”
He watched her move over to the replicator, his eyes fell to her lower back and he inhaled sharply, and just when he thought she hadn’t noticed, she turned around and looked at him.
He avoided her eyes, a stupid move, and he knew it even before he’d done it. Nothing got past Kathryn Janeway, and he’d been an idiot if he’d thought even for a second he could keep his indiscretion with the past-her a secret.
Nevertheless, he tried.
“Yes, please, tea, Captain,” he said.
Pathetic, Chakotay, he thought.
She ordered the drinks and took them over to the seating area.
“Thank you,” he said and looked at the cup.
When he looked back up, she was staring at him.
The full-on Janeway stare, unflinching, with her arms crossed in front of her chest.
“Talk to me, Chakotay,” she said, leaning back, her voice too soft, her eyes too warm.
“I’m afraid, I can’t,” he said.
“Something happened, didn’t it? In a different time.”
He nodded.
“Commander, if you know of something that could jeopardize the safety of this vessel and her crew, I demand you speak to me about it now.”
“It’s nothing like that. I can assure you I’ve learned nothing that I didn’t already know or suspect.”
“Then what?” she queried, and he could tell that she was incredibly unimpressed by the way she was having to try so hard to get information out of him. “Did you share something you shouldn’t have?”
He didn’t need to say it.
“Damn it, Chakotay. The temporal prime directive exists for a reason. I can’t believe you could have been so stupid.” She got off the sofa and started pacing. Then she positioned herself with her back to him, hands on hips, and he knew she was seething. Then she spun around again. “Spill it, Commander. What the hell did you do?”
“Not I, actually. We,” he said before he could think about it.
He’d been willing to take the blame, but her anger annoyed him.
“We?” she asked. “As in you and me?”
“Yes, Captain.”
“But I wasn’t even there.”
“Of course, you were,” he said.
“A much younger me.”
“Not much younger, Kathryn,” he said and if looks could kill. “It was you, Kathryn.”
“Chakotay, these things give me a headache, and I really can do without one of those today, so out with it already. What’s the damage? Not that it matters, because it’s not like we’re able to go back and fix it, Commander.”
“No. No, we can’t fix it,” he said and looked at his hands. Imagined them on her firm body. The way her breasts fit into them perfectly. How he’d slid one down her body and dipped it into the wet heat between her legs. The way her body blushed from her chest upwards seconds before he made her come.
“Chakotay,” his Kathryn shouted which brought him back to the here and now. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
“We slept together,” he said, and the silence that followed was absolute.
He couldn’t look at her, didn’t dare breathe, and she didn’t move a muscle.
“Get out,” she whispered.
“Kathryn—”
“I said you’re dismissed, Commander,” she said, and he felt like he was going to be sick.
Unsteady legs carried him to the door.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “No, actually, Kathryn, I’m really not.”
*
The days that followed they spoke only about ship’s business, and as little as possible.
He knew she avoided him, and he did his best to accommodate her decision to do so.
He also knew she would come to him eventually. At least he hoped.
It took her ten days.
“Please, come in,” he said, and she stepped into his quarters. “Would you like anything? Coffee, tea, Valium?”
She laughed, and he felt the weight of the universe lift off his shoulders. Maybe they could get past this.
“I’ll have a whiskey if you’re offering.”
“I am,” he said and ordered two Irish whiskeys. “Here you go. Let’s sit.”
“Thank you.”
He watched her watch her drink.
He wouldn’t try to make conversation. She was here because she had something to say, and so he waited.
“I’d be lying to you if I told you that I haven’t thought about it.”
He looked at his hands.
“I always thought you and I have a relationship that’s almost as intimate as…well, as…that.”
“We do, Kathryn.”
He glanced over at her and their eyes met. She looked away after a heartbeat.
“What was it like?” she asked so quietly he barely heard her.
“Kathryn—”
“No, tell me. I have the right to know. What was it like?” she asked again and looked at him.
“It…Spirits, Kathryn, what do you think it was like?” he asked and ran his hand across his face.
She took a sip of her drink, then she looked back at him almost shyly. “How many times did we, I mean,” she started, then cut herself off, but looked at him.
“I’m not going to answer that,” he said.
“I was still with Mark. I…I shouldn’t have, it was wrong. Why, I mean, how did we even end up…and where?”
“You asked me how close we get, and I told you the truth.”
She nodded, looking at her drink.
“I was leaving, but you invited me to stay, and I’m not going to lie, I enjoyed your company, that past-you I never really knew, because when we first met it was all so complicated straight away.”
“Did you tell her that?”
“No. But I think you guessed as much.”
“What’s she going to do when she meets the-past you?”
“I don’t know, Kathryn. Fall madly in love?” It was meant as a joke, but she didn’t find it funny.
“Because she’ll know him…you intimately.”
He nodded and held her gaze.
“And you know me that way, too.”
He had to look away.
“But I don’t know you that way.”
What did she expect him to say?
No, Kathryn, you don’t, but whose fault is that?
She finished her drink in a single swig. The glass clinked against the table when she set it back down.
“I think it would be fair if you let me level with you, don’t you?” she asked, and it sounded like she was negotiating a trade deal.
“What do you mean?”
“I think you should tell me what you like. Hell, I think you should describe to me in meticulous detail just what went on between us.”
“I’m sure you’ve got a vivid imagination,” he said quietly. “I don’t think I need to tell you anything.”
“What was she like?”
“She? You mean you.”
“Well, since I have no memory of the incident, no, I don’t think it was me.”
“If that’s the case you don’t need to know anything. Hell, Kathryn, just stop.”
“Did you enjoy it?”
He looked at her, saw the anger in those beautiful eyes.
“You’re jealous,” he said as calmly as he could manage, and only once he’d said it, did he understand that it had been neither a statement nor a question, but a revelation. Certainly for him, and maybe for her, too.
She met his eyes with great defiance.
“You do realize you’d be jealous of yourself, right?” he added, and not without a tinge of amusement that came from, well, the whiskey, really; and time.
It hit her right where it hurt, obviously, because she took a swing at him. Just at his arm, but it landed hard enough for him to know that she meant it.
“Why did you do it?” she asked and hit him again. “Why? Why? Why?”
He grabbed both her wrists and tried to steady her with great difficulty, but she wiggled her hands from his grasp and hit him again.
“Stop it!” he said, as she struggled against him. “Kathryn! Stop! It!”
“Why?” she cried. “Why did you do it? I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.”
He reached for her one last time, but she managed to punch his arm. Hard.
“I hate you!” she exclaimed, and then all the fight seemed to leave her body, and he watched her crumble.
It was so unexpected that all he could do was scoop her up and hold her firmly against himself.
“Kathryn, stop,” he said into her hair. “Just stop.”
She went limp in his arms and for the first time maybe ever, he felt no resistance whatsoever.
She cried and he let her.
“Why did you do it?” she asked again after a long, long time.
“You know the answer to that,” he said and kissed the top of her head.
“Do I?”
“Yes, I think you do.”
“I didn’t know…I didn’t think…I don’t know what I thought,” she whispered and then he felt her lips brush ever so gently against his neck.
“Kathryn, don’t.”
“It’s only fair,” she said and shifted so she sat on his lap, facing him.
“No,” he said. Her proximity was intoxicating, and his hands were shaking as he grabbed her by the wrists yet again. “No.”
Her pupils were blown and the way she looked at him made him want to clear the table and fuck her into next week, but this wasn’t right.
“Please, Kathryn. Stop,” he whispered and kissed her palms. “Please, please, please. Not like this.”
He manoeuvred her off of him and managed to put some distance between them. They stared at each other, breathless.
He wiped his hand across his face again in another attempt to regain equilibrium.
“You, well, the past-you asked me why we hadn’t crossed the barriers between us, but I didn’t have to answer that question, because you know yourself better than anyone,” he told her. “Then you asked me if it bothered me, and I don’t know how you knew, but you just knew. You stood in front me the way you did way back then, when I first came on board Voyager, with that unshakable resolve and your beautiful eyes, and you said: ‘You’re in love with her’, and again, I didn’t have to say anything. Because you knew. We were in your quarters. You asked me how long I’d been in love with you, and I told you the truth.”
“Which is?” his Kathryn asked quietly.
“I fell in love with you the first moment I saw you. And I know how stupid that has to sound, but it’s the absolute truth.”
“And then?”
“You kissed me.”
A tired smile hushed across her face, she bit her lip, closed her eyes, and she wouldn’t look at him.
“I didn’t plan for any of this, Chakotay,” she said.
“None of us did.”
“I’m trying my best.”
“I know that.”
“And I’m sorry I was way out of line tonight.”
“You don’t have to apologize. I admit it’s a very unusual situation. I’m finding it difficult, too. Exceedingly difficult, actually. But we’ll get through it. We always do.”
She got up and brushed down her uniform.
“Good night,” she said.
“Good night.”
“Can I ask you one more thing?” she said just before she got to the door, and the sense of déjà vu made him smile.
“Go on,” he said.
“Did we have fun?”
There it was, that rebellious spark from way back when, or maybe it was just the reflection of the light in her eyes, but whatever it was, it made him grin madly.
“It was the most fun we ever had,” he said and as the door swished open, he couldn’t see the expression on her face which lay in the shadows of the too-bright corridor.
*
Things didn’t go exactly back to normal after that, and they most certainly started taking an unexpected turn about a week later.
He caught her looking at him which wasn’t in itself unusual. He often caught her looking at him, but he’d stopped reading anything into it years ago, and he’d been under the impression she merely rested her eyes on him.
But then he caught her again. And this time he held her gaze and gave her a questioning look which she responded to by blushing. He regarded this phenomena with the fascination of someone watching a sun go supernova, because he comprehended fully that witnessing this event was just as rare.
They resumed their weekly dinners but avoided the topic that was his trip to the past like the plague, and it was fine, except it wasn’t, because when he looked at her now, she held his gaze.
And finally, one evening, she spoke.
“What do you see when you look at me like that?”
He panicked and looked down at his plate. What was that saying about playing with fire?
“Do you see her?” she asked.
“You mean you.”
She got up and walked to look out at the stars.
“You know, Chakotay, the truth is that it’s never bothered me to this degree before.”
“What do you mean?”
“I know you see people, women, and I…I mean, it’s never bothered me, and I certainly have no right to feel bothered by it or even jealous, but the thing with her, it bothers me.”
“You mean the thing with you.”
“Am I losing my mind?” she asked and turned to look at him.
He smiled at her and got up.
“No, I don’t think you are, Kathryn,” he said. He stood in front of her and brushed a strand of her hair back behind her ear.
Her breath caught and she blushed, but she made no attempt to step away from his touch.
“I’m desperately jealous of her, Chakotay.”
“Tell me why.”
“Because,” she whispered and he watched her think and take another breath, her eyes were looking anywhere but at him for a few seconds, before zeroing in on him. “Because I want you like that. I always have. And now a younger version of me beat me to it. I know it’s absurd, Chakotay, but I can’t get over it.”
He almost laughed out loud but bit his tongue.
She continued ranting about how much she hated her younger self, but he was no longer listening, only starring at her, grinning.
“What?” she finally asked, and not too kindly.
“Just rewind a second and say that again.”
“Which part? The part about how much I hate myself?”
“No, the part about how you want me.”
She stopped then.
Mid-thought.
Just looked at him.
He knew he was still grinning.
“I want you,” she said. “But surely you know that from the other me already.”
“The other you was you half a decade ago. Much has changed.”
The faintest smile hushed across her face and she stepped closer to him, raised her hand and traced his tattoo.
“You’re right, they have. But I think some things will never change. They just get worse. Feel this,” she asked, took his hand and put it over her heart that was beating wildly.
“Is this a medical emergency, Captain?” he whispered and closed his eyes so he could feel better.
“I think it must be,” she whispered back. “I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I’m distracted. I can’t serve my crew like this. I think it’s time I faced the music, don’t you, Commander?”
“I’m so glad we’re finally on the same page. Spirits, woman,” he whispered, his grin widening even more, and then he bent down and kissed her. Open-mouthed and completely.
He felt his knees go weak and he pulled her flush against him.
She groaned and he ran his hands down her spine.
Then he hoisted her up and shoved her not too gently against the nearest bulkhead.
“Tell me you want this,” he asked and nipped the soft skin on her neck. “Kathryn.”
“I want this. I want you.”
“Bedroom?” he asked, and she chuckled. “I take it you know the way?”
They undressed slowly, regarding each other, and suddenly he was nervous.
She stood in front of him in matching black lace underwear, and he wondered if she’d planned this, because the past-her wore Starfleet regulation underwear.
“You are beautiful,” he said to her and she blushed all over. “You are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever laid my eyes on.”
“Come here,” she said and got on the bed.
She knelt in the middle and wearing nothing but his underwear, too, he joined her.
“I expect you know what I like,” she said and looked at him like she was trying to decipher him in some way.
He ran his hand through her hair, and she watched his face.
“The hair,” she said. “It was different. You miss the hair.”
He smiled. “I don’t miss anything. All I’ve ever wanted is right here. Now lie back.”
She did, and he knelt over her and kissed her deeply.
Her arms snaked around his neck and pulled him impossibly closer.
“I love kissing you,” he said, then gently nipped along her jawline and down her neck. He passed the place he’d given past-her that love bite, and he sucked the flesh.
She whimpered and he smiled.
He kissed her nipples through the lace of the bra, and she mumbled obscenities at him. He was the hardest he’d ever been, and if it was possible to die of lust, he didn’t have long to live.
He lifted her upper body off the bed with one hand and with the other he unclasped her bra and flung it away.
“I wish you weren’t so good at that,” she remarked. “Or did I teach you that?”
He chuckled against her erect nipple.
“Oh fuck,” she whispered and bucked against him.
He slid one of his hands down her body, and in between her legs.
She inhaled sharply.
“You’re so wet, Kathryn,” he said, his voice shaky.
“I want you,” she said and kissed him again.
“I want you,” he said.
He hooked his thumbs into her panties and yanked then down and off her. Then he slid down her body and between her legs.
He covered her with his mouth, and the sensation was almost too much for him and he had to steady himself by gripping her thighs hard.
He looked up for a moment and she looked completely blissed out and so he continued his sweet torture.
“Chakotay,” she said, and her hands went into his hair. “That’s, oh God, that feels so good.”
He kept his mouth on her, gently sucking, and gently pushed two fingers inside her.
His cock twitched and he ached for some friction, but he was determined to make her come first.
“You’re going to have to, God, stop, or I’ll, oh fuck,” she said, but he wouldn’t. He kept up his ministrations until her breathing became laboured.
“Oh God, oh fuck, oh you’re going to make me come, oh God,” and then her body stilled, and she came apart with his mouth on her.
She shoved him away as the aftershocks of her orgasm rippled through her. She closed her legs, rolled over onto her front and groaned into a pillow.
“Am I dead?” she asked, and he chuckled.
“No. You’re very much alive.”
He traced her naked spine with his fingertips.
“You’re beautiful,” he whispered again and kissed her lower back, that secret and sacred area where all his recent fantasies were born.
“Come here,” she said, rolled back over and reached for him.
He kissed her deeply.
“I feel like jelly,” she giggled and let one arm flop down on the bed.
“You feel amazing.”
“No, you feel amazing,” she said and slid her hand down and over his rock-hard cock. “Get naked,” she told him, and he got out of his underwear as elegantly as his shaking hands allowed.
He lay back down, on top of her, and they just looked at each other.
Her cheeks were flushed, and her eyes looked like a lake against a deep blue, cloudless sky.
“I love you,” he said.
“I love you,” she responded, and yes, it surprised him, and his heart hurt. “And now get inside me and screw me, you beautiful man,” she continued, and he couldn’t help but laugh.
She spread her legs for him and reached for his cock. Then she guided him inside her. “Jesus, fuck, it’s been a while,” she said, and closed her eyes. “Oh God, you feel so good.”
“You have no idea,” he said and kissed her just behind the ear. She groaned.
“Just so you know,” she said, and he could tell she was turned on again already, “I’m going demand this at least twice a day from now on.”
“Your wish is my command,” he said, his voice breathy now. He fucked her slowly, gently, took her right nipple into his mouth and bit down.
She cried out but pushed her breast towards him again.
“You drive me crazy,” he said.
“And you’re going to make me come again if you keep that up.”
She wrapped her legs around him and pulled him closer, deeper.
“Fuck me,” she whispered way too close to his ear and it shot straight to his cock.
“Spirits,” he cursed and pounded into her in earnest now.
“Yes, yes, oh God, keep doing that, oh yes,” she urged him on, clinging to him, and he felt her coming all around him, and it pushed him over the edge, too, and he came hard inside her, whispering her name into her neck over and over and over again.
He rolled off of her and they lay still for a while, both catching their breath.
He looked at her, and she rolled onto her side, facing him. Her hair was in disarray, and her eyes were ablaze.
“You, my beautiful Captain,” he said and traced her smile with his fingertips. “Look like the cat who got the cream.”
She held his wrist and kissed his fingertips.
“Do you think they end up together, too?” she asked him.
“They as in, the past-us?”
She nodded.
“Of course they do,” he said and smiled.
“You seem very sure of yourself.”
“You had two orgasms in less than half an hour, woman, would you let me go?”
She slapped his shoulder and he laughed.
“What?” he asked rolled over and pinned her to the bed. “Would you?”
“Not in a month of Sundays,” she said. “I’d never let you go. And I’m not now. You’re mine.”
“I always was,” he said and kissed her.