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- Cas is avoiding Dean, so he chooses to throw himself into his work with Jack. He starts by helping Jack fix Heaven while Jack also works with Rowena to fix Hell.
- After weeks of improvements, Cas thinks that perhaps he and Jack aren’t the best to sort out human Heaven since they themselves aren’t human.
Yes they have each been sort of human but let’s face it, they’re definitely not experts on the human condition.- So he starts doing research.
- Research of course consists of talking to humans in Heaven he trusts. People like Charlie and Bobby and Mary. This helps immensely, and they make real headway.
- Except… well, it’s probably selfish of him in a strange sort of way, but Cas wants to make sure the perfect Heaven is waiting for Dean whenever Dean arrives. And while all five of them might have an idea of what Dean’s perfect Heaven entails, Cas wants to get it right. Not close to right, actually right. And there’s really only one person he can go to for that.
- He’s still a coward, though. He doesn’t know how to face Dean after… well, after. Cas isn’t ready for that yet, so he chooses stealth instead.
- He decides to use his grace to induce good dreams whenever Dean’s asleep and observe the results. He can use what he sees to construct Dean’s Heaven, and Dean won’t even know it’s happening! He won’t even know Cas is involved.
- It obviously starts to go wrong the very first time he tries it.
- Cas is in Dean’s dream, watching as he explores the cabin. It’s reminiscent of Rufus’ old place, but Cas can already sense some of the Bunker there as well. He remains outside, invisible, as he watches.
- And then Dean comes outside.
- It makes Cas undeniably nervous to be so close to Dean again, even if this is technically just Dean’s subconscious and Cas is invisible. His legs are practically trembling when Dean’s gaze happens to turn his way.
- Dean smiles, looks at him, and Cas has all of three seconds to wonder what’s happening before Dean’s walking right up to him.
- “What is this place?” Dean asks. So yes, he can see Cas, but he seems to understand it’s a dream. Cas isn’t sure, but he suspects if Dean knew this was really him, his first words would not be so… calm.
- “You tell me,” Cas deflects. He gestures to the cabin, the woodlands, the Impala on the gravel drive. “This is your dream, after all. Your version of Heaven.” He offers a shaky smile.
- Dean looks around and shrugs. “It’s nice, I guess.” He then reaches forward and grabs Cas’ hand, threading their fingers together. “Not a bad Heaven, all things considered.”
- Before Cas can decide on whether or not he should admit to Dean that he is in fact the real Castiel, Dean pulls him forward into a hug. And then that hug, after long drawn out moments where Cas thinks this might be his Heaven, turns into a kiss.
- Cas is many things, but he is not strong enough to resist the temptation to kiss back.
- The kisses turn heated and Cas’ brain has fizzled out completely. The implications of Dean wanting to kiss him at all… he can’t handle that, so he doesn’t. That’s a mystery to consider later, when Dean’s lips aren’t on his and when his body isn’t pressed against him.
- When the dream world shifts around him, Cas is first aware of the feeling of falling before he realizes he’s on a bed. The second thing he’s aware of is that he and Dean are both naked. The third thing… well, it’s hard not to notice that Dean’s sliding onto his dick.
- He has the insane thought that he appreciates the dynamics of dream sex, since adequate lube and preparation need only be imagined, and then he has exactly zero other thoughts other than yes and good and more and Dean.
- “Dean,” he manages. “Dean, you shouldn’t- This isn’t-”
- “Shut up and lemme have this,” Dean growls at him. “I don’t care if this is a dream, if this is the only way I can get you, I’ll take it.”
- So yeah, Cas shuts up. He shuts up and he guiltily enjoys how wonderful this feels.
- Dean’s last memory of the dream is Cas’ eyes going an ethereal blue as he comes, the sound of his True Voice as he moans Dean’s name, and the cool warm feel of his come filling Dean.
- Obviously Dean wakes up tacky from his own come in his boxers.
- Obviously Dean’s heartbroken to realize it was just a dream.
- He’s mopier than usual all day, enough that Sam worries. Not enough that Sam says anything, because, well, there’s a whole list of topics he can’t bring up without Dean getting worse so he leaves that to the backburner for now. He’ll watch Dean for a few days before he broaches the topic.
- But Dean’s also… excited to go back to sleep? Because that dream was so vivid, so much better than the ones he’s had about Cas since the whole Empty bullshit.
- It was almost like Cas was really there…
- So he maybe drinks a little less that day and avoids coffee and doesn’t chitchat with Sam after dinner or spend hours scoping for a case (read: a distraction). He goes to bed at a decent time. And he really really hopes Cas will be there.
- Because even if it’s just a dream… if that’s all he can get, he’s going to latch on and enjoy it until the nightmares return.
- Cas knows full well he shouldn’t go back to Dean’s dreams. Or that he should talk to Jack about why he can’t hide himself from Dean the way he can from others. Or maybe he should just go back to Earth and talk to Dean face to face without the pretense of a dream. These are all good, perfectly reasonable ideas.
- Cas does none of them.
- He’s never been particularly smart when it comes to Dean Winchester.
- The next night, he goes to Dean’s bedside once more and induces a Good Dream. When he enters the dream, he does go invisible. He needs that semblance of caution, that pretense of doing the Right Thing. The last time could have been a fluke, after all. He owes Dean this.
- Right?
- It goes much the same this time. The cabin/bunker hybrid. Dean relaxing with a beer. Seeing Cas despite his grace shielding him.
- “I should go-” Cas says, starting to panic when Dean walks over to him.
- “Like fuck you should,” Dean practically growls. His grip on Cas’ arm is unrelenting. Cas finds that even with his grace, he cannot break it.
- Won’t break it.
- “You know,” Dean says, relaxing a little when he sees Cas isn’t about to bolt, “I kinda like this lucid dreaming thing. I don’t know what I did to get it going, but I really hope I can keep it up.”
- “Why?” Cas asks breathlessly.
- Now Dean’s hands are wrapped around his neck, his fingers getting lost in the less of Cas’ hair.
- “Got lots I wanna do to you…”
- This time, Cas is not caught off guard when the dream shifts and they end up in a bedroom. The mattress is memory foam soft, a strange detail to pick out while Dean’s pushing into him. He drapes himself over Cas’ back, kisses and caresses as he takes and moans and makes Cas feel things he never dreamed he’d get to experience. With Dean, or with anyone.
- Again, he finds himself too weak to protest. Dean wouldn’t want this if he knew it was really Cas. This is some strange sexual fantasy, one that Cas can’t quite understand the impetus behind. Because Dean, he wouldn’t want this with the real Cas.
- But this time, the dream doesn’t come crashing down the moments after Dean comes. No, this time it holds itself together long enough for Dean to wrap his arms around Cas’ waist and hold him close,babbling nonsense as he drifts into a sleep too deep to dream.
- Rinse and repeat: Dean miserable during the day, Sam fretting, Cas feeling guilty but unable to resist.
- On and on for weeks, Cas can’t even pretend this isn’t about being close to Dean and enjoying a glimpse into a life he doesn’t deserve and can never have. He doesn’t understand Dean’s fixation on the same dream, always ending in physical intimacy with Cas, but he wants it so much that he offers nothing more than weak protests each night he’s pulled into Dean’s arms and bed.
- Dean might not like waking up pretty much every night with his own dried come tacky in his boxers, but he can’t deny that it brings him a certain sort of peace to have these dreams. He maybe never got the chance to do this with the real Cas, and he’ll live with that pain for the rest of his life, but he wants to go on pretending the dreams are an acceptable second place.
- Even if day by day, Dean feels a hole growing inside him. A hole only Cas’ presence can fill. Yes, the dreams soothe him and while he’s in them, he feels whole ago. As soon as he wakes up though…
- “What’s wrong?” Sam asks. He looks like he’s scared of finding out.
- “Bad dreams,” Dean lies. “Cas…”
- “Oh,” Sam sounds both pained and relieved. Pained because if this is hurting his brother, it’s hurting him; relieved because, well, there’s so much worse things it could be.
- Who’s he kidding? Dean pining over Cas is probably the worst thing, because deep down Sam knows Dean can’t get past this. Not in any meaningful way.
- “You wanna do some research?” Sam offers. “About the Empty? Or maybe uh… getting rid of the dreams?”
- Dean winces. He’s already done plenty of research on the Empty. He can’t get there, he’d die if he did, and even if he could somehow stay alive long enough, he’s not sure he’d be able to find Cas.
- And the dreams? No, no he won’t get rid of those. They hurt him, for sure they do, but seeing Cas in any form… well, Dean’s not strong enough to turn that down. Hell, he’d take dreams of Cas torturing him or telling him off about how much of a fuck up he is. He’s certainly not going to give up dreams where Cas looks at him like… like…
- Like he really does love Dean.
- “No,” Dean says. “I can handle it.”
- Jack holds Cas up a little in Heaven one night. Cas is too late to induce a good dream in Dean before he goes to sleep, and he wonders if he should even bother. It’s one thing to go into Dean’s dreams for the sake of research on his perfect Heaven; it seems strangely invasive to go into whatever his subconscious pulls up on its own.
- But… he knows Dean has long suffered from nightmares. He could just go in quickly to check, right?
- It’s surprisingly much like the other dreams. A cabin in the woods, though less detailed than the ones in the dreams Cas gives him. The edges are blurry, nothing but whatever Dean is currently focused on coming into full clarity.
- Cas startles a little when he finds Dean inside playing poker.
- There’s a long table, one that could never fit in how Dean perceives the dimensions of the room, and it’s filled with family and friends. Cas can sort of recognize them from the voices and the glimpses whenever Dean’s gaze turns their way. People dead and alive alike.
- He spots Mary and Jody and Donna. Claire. Jack. Sam, of course, with Eileen and an unfamiliar dog straddling both their laps. Benny pouring bourbon for Bobby.
- And Cas. Cas is already at the table. Sitting right next to Dean.
- The look Dean is giving Dream Cas is… it’s…
- It’s very fond.
- … Is that how Dean looks at him? The real him?
- Cas doesn’t know what he does or says to get Dean’s attention, but he does or says something because Dean’s looking at him now. The Dream Cas disappears, shifts into nothingness and an empty chair as Dean’s subconscious readjusts the dream to make sense of Cas’ presence.
- “Heya Cas,” Dean says with a huge smile. There’s a smattering of other greetings, but Cas’ ears are ringing and he can’t quite make them out.
- “Hello Dean.”
- “We’ll grab another round of beers,” Dean says with enthusiasm completely unwarranted by such a proposition. He discards his hand - which even from this distance, Cas can tell is a straight flush and would likely have beaten any of his dream competitors - and practically skips over to Cas.
- And in the back of his mind, Cas is resigned to what’s next. The sex is enjoyable, as well as the intimacy, but this… this family get together… This is what he craves with Dean. And perhaps it’s good to note that he is here, in Dean’s dream, so perhaps he will have a place in Dean’s Heaven as well-
- The wind gets knocked out of him when Dean reaches him. Because Dean doesn’t come in for a kiss like he usually does. No, he reaches out and grabs Cas’ hand. He holds Cas’ hand and brings it to his lips to kiss the knuckles and smiles shyly and winks at him before pulling him into the kitchen.
- And… and that’s it. They go to the kitchen, they get beers, they pass them out, and then he’s sitting next to Dean playing poker.
- No sex.
- Why?
-
They’re playing poker, and Dean’s pretty sure he’s gotten five winning hands in a row.
-
Finally, some damn luck.
- But Cas is awful quiet next to him, has even excused himself from the last couple hands, so Dean folds early and lets everyone else play.
- “What’s up?” he asks. Without even thinking, he reaches under the table to reclaim Cas’ hand. He likes tracing the lines there, running his thumb over Cas’ knuckles and feeling the callouses.
- Cas startles at the contact. Damn near jumps out of his chair, but he hides his surprise quickly. It’s so adorable, Dean leans in to peck his cheek.
- It makes Cas blush for fuck’s sake.
- Dean maybe stares at that for a while. Probably could forever, but Cas interrupts him.
- “Do you know this is a dream?” Cas asks him, his tone carefully neutral in that way Dean’s used to associating Cas delivering bad news.
- It is bad news.
- Dean sighs and looks away for a second. He didn’t know it was a dream, but now that he does, he can’t really unsee that it is. Too many dead people at the table, alive and well, even for them.
- He puts on a fake smile and shines it at Cas. “I didn’t, but that’s fine. I’ll take a good dream every now and then with the people I love.”
- There’s something in Cas’ eyes after Dean says that, and Dean’s not sure what.
- “Normally,” Cas continues, “when we cross paths in your dreams... you prefer... other activities.”
- Cas almost looks afraid, and Dean has to think for a moment before he even understands what he’s getting at.
- “Are you upset we’re not having sex right now in front of all our family and friends?” Dean jokes, but he sees Cas is genuinely upset, so he whispers, “Do you want to have sex right now? We can, I’m not exactly in a position to turn down sex-”
- “No! I mean, neither am I, but- That’s not-” Cas is so adorably befuddled, Dean kinda wants to kiss him again. The only thing that stops him is that frown on Cas’ face as he stares at their joined hands and continues. “I suppose I just don’t understand why this time is different.”
- “Oh.” Dean scratches the back of his neck as he tries to gather his thoughts. It’s not easy to think while he’s dreaming, but he tries.
- “Well I spend all day imagining what I’d say to you if I ever got the chance. I’ve rehearsed my ‘of fucking course I love you back, you dumbass, stop getting yourself killed’ speech enough times that I don’t really wanna waste dream time doing that, too.” He shrugs. “Dream sex is good. Get to work out the other half of my frustrations with you that way. Guess I just wasn’t in the mood tonight, so you get a lazy night of poker playin’ instead.”
- The silence continues for a long time before Cas finally meets his eyes again, stunning blue as ever.
- “You love me back?”
- Dean snorts in this undignified way that would probably be embarrassing if this were real.
- “That’s part of the ‘you dumbass’ in my speech, by the way. Of fucking course I love you, fuck, the whole universe knows that ‘cept you.”
- “Dean,” Cas whispers, quiet and unsure of himself. “Do you know that I’m the real Cas? I’m not a dream.”
- Dean is fucking paralyzed by that, even the possibility of that being true, that he can’t move. He can’t breathe he can’t think he can’t-
- The dream shatters around him, and abruptly he wakes up.
- Dean wakes up and immediately vomits over the side of his bed.
- Obviously not his favorite way to wake up, but he can't help the way his stomach heaves as he remembers that dream.
- That awful dream. Because how dare it give him any type of hope. That's not fair, not after everything.
- He sits there, sweating and gross and miserable as he replays what he can remember over and over and over until he feels sick again.
- And then some more until he's numb to it and it can't make him feel anything.
- He prayed to Cas after it happened. After the Empty took away Dean's one real chance at happiness. Even if it was just him and Cas, best buds hunting down ghosts for the rest of his life, Dean would've been happy enough. Without Cas....
- He's been going through the motions for Sam's sake, hoping one day it might hurt less.
- Well anyway, he prayed to Cas a lot.
- And for a while he held out hope he'd get to say a lot of what he'd been getting in person. So many times they'd lost each other and been kept apart, so many forces had tried and failed to keep them apart... Maybe didn't believe this time would stick either.
- But time passed, and Cas didn't come back. Days melted into weeks then months and Dean lost hope. His prayers became frantic pleas and heartbroken confessions, everything he'd kept bottled up because maybe if he shared it now, Cas could break free and come back to him.
- He never got an answer, though. Eventually, he stopped praying.
- Maybe he stopped too soon though?
- "Cas... You out there?"
- Cas has been hiding in Kelly Kline’s Heaven for the better part of the morning when he finally hears what he’s been dreading.
- “Cas... You out there? Because I uh... I don’t know how to sugar coat this, but I’d be pretty fucking hurt if you ARE out there and hadn’t come to let me know you’re okay the second you were free of the Empty.”
- Cas winces and Kelly gives him a concerned look. He offers her a weak smile in reassurance; she accepts it, though he can tell she doesn’t buy it.
- “If you’re busy...” she says, politely offering him an excuse.
- “I’m sorry,” he says but she waves off his apology.
- “Oh, you’re sweet to visit me at all. I know Jack keeps you busy.” She sips her tea and gives him a knowing look. “I’m sure I owe Dean thanks for letting me have you, too.”
- Cas flies away too quickly to disguise the fact that he’s fleeing.
- “I don’t know if you can hear me now... I guess I kinda lost my faith for a bit there... but please come back. If it’s at all within the realm of possibility that you can be in my life again, I’ll take it. Friend, hunting partner, however you’ll let me have you, that’s what I want. I’ll take anything, man. Anything but the hole in my life where you used to be.”
- Cas’ heart skips a beat and his wings flail, sending him wildly off course. He lands briefly in Australia, a curious koala blinking at him before he takes off again.
- “But you’ve seen my dreams... You know what I want... None of that was a lie. It’s- it’s maybe more honest than I could’ve been if I’d known that was really you. And I’m sorry ‘bout that. Real you deserves way more than a dream does. So if there’s even a chance that you’re free, that you’re listening, that you want half of what I could offer you if you gave me that chance-”
- When he lands in Dean’s room, he’s out of breath. It’s not graceful, the way he pops back onto that plane of existence and slams into Dean’s nightstand. The air fizzles with electricity and he’s sure he looks too wild, too inhuman as Dean jolts up from his bed to stare at him wide-eyed.
- “Hello Dean,” is all he manages before Dean’s crushing him in a hug and grumbling out words that sound suspiciously like motherfucker, dumbass, love you, idiot, and kill you myself you ever put me through that again.
- Cas braces for a fight once Dean's recovered enough. He expects Dean to be angry at him for hiding his return, for his deception during the dreams, for abandoning him after confessing so much-
- The anger never comes.
- There's that initial burst of it, but then it changes to sobs and Cas is worried this is worse, that he's broken things so much that he's made Dean cry.
- And then Dean pulls away from where he's been clutching Cas life a lifeline. He doesn't look broken, he looks... he looks...
- Happy.
- He sniffles and tears flow freely, but he's smiling and an occasional giggle bubbles up. He cradles Cas' face in his hands and looks into his eyes, searching.
- "This isn't a dream this time, right?" he asks, voice rough. Cas hears the hesitation, the last shreds of restraint keeping Dean from spiraling out of control if this all turns out to be a cruel trick.
- "This is real," Cas promises. "I'm real. I'm here."
- It's hours later when they finally emerge from Dean's room. They nearly give Sam a heart attack when they find him in the kitchen. He nearly drops his coffee mug, spilling the lukewarm drink over the front of his shirt, and he's choking on his drink before he can recover enough to pull Cas into a hug and sputter what's probably "Welcome back."
- There's still a lot of things that need to be said: apologies and explanations and confessions and endearments. There's a long way to go between where they are and where they want to be, but for the first time in over a decade, both Dean and Cas are willing to put in the work to get there. They're no longer scared of the other's reaction or rejection, because they've lived the alternative and they know without a doubt, a life without the other is far worse.
- And sitting in the Bunker kitchen, having cereal and sharking coffee while all three of them catch each other up on the mess their lives currently are in (which they all agree, for them things are going relatively well), they know they're starting their happily ever after.