Chapter Text
Her seventeenth birthday should have been a happy occasion for Catherine Bennet, known as Kitty. It was the day marking her come-out into society, the day she had been longing for this past year. She had been looking enviously at her elder sisters as they were getting ready to attend assemblies in their prettiest dresses and came back from them, their eyes sparkling with merriment and full of stories. Not that they would share their stories and adventures with her, for Jane and Lizzy would forever consider her too young, and Mary would have been willing to forego the whole thing if only her mother would let her.
But her birthday, it turned out, would not go according to plan. She would haave to share her day with Lydia. As always, the youngest Bennet sister, almost 15, had managed to get her own way and would come out with Kitty. Lydia had thrown a tantrum the previous night, and convinced her mother to side with her once again. She had been boasting about it, telling Kitty that it was now a matter of time until their father agreed with them. “You know Mama will get Papa to do whatever she wants” had said Lydia, sure of herself.
And so it happened, that one week before her birthday, and two weeks before the so anticipated assembly, her sister and mother would turn on her during breakfast. Mr Bennet had at first been opposed to the idea, but his wife and daughter had been relentless.
“My dear Mrs Bennet, you know very well that we cannot afford new dresses and slippers for both your daughters, so Kitty will get hers this year and Lydia next year” he sighed.
“But Mr Bennet, we cannot deprive Lydia from the amusement we are all getting, it would not be fair to leave her alone while we all go to assemblies. She is such a good and lively girl, and very pretty too, I am sure many gentlemen will want to dance with her”
“If they like silly girls, yes, I grant you the whole neighbourhood will be delighted to have her join in. She is but a child”.
“Oh, Mr Bennet, how you vex me, stop berating her like that!” she countered, “I won’t have it, she will come with us! And you will not have to buy new dresses for Kitty, she can take some of Lizzy’s and Mary’s old ones, you know Kitty is good at arranging clothes! We will need to buy some for Lydia though, she is already so grown, Mary and Lizzy’s gowns won’t fit, and Jane needs to keep her dresses to look her best if she is to make a good match” said Mrs Bennet, impervious to the uncomfortable glances her eldest daughter was giving her. Lydia had a triumphant look. Lizzy was rolling her eyes and Mr Bennet was already so annoyed with his wife’s shrieking voice that he wanted this ordeal to end.
“It’s not fair” lamented Kitty, “I had to wait longer than all my sisters to come out, Jane, Lizzy and Mary came out at fifteen. And now I don’t even get to have new dresses when they all did! It is supposed to be my day, my day!”
“But you won’t look nearly as good as me in any new dress, so there is no use in getting you new ones anyway” laughed Lydia “and all the gentlemen will fall in love with me at first sight”.
“Is there someone you want to look your best for, Kitty?” teased her father.
“Papa!” tried to admonish Lizzy, “any girl wants to look her best on her first assembly”.
“The beauty within is far more important” tried to reason Mary, sensing that Kitty was fighting the tears that were threatening to overwhelm her, but unable to comprehend that her words would not help.
“I am sure you will look lovely in Lizzy’s pink gown, Kitty. Lizzy said she will wear the yellow one, and pink looks really good on you” said Jane softly with a pleading look to her sister.
Kitty could not take it any longer. Lydia was always favoured by her mother, taking her best things and ruining them or stealing her money. And they all thought it was normal. Once again, she felt ill-used and grew angry with her family
“Fine! I won’t go then! I do not need to come out yet!”
“Stop whining Kitty, it does not become you” Lydia smirked.
“Not come out! How can you think of that! Oh, my nerves, oh my poor nerves! You will be the death of me! You girls need to find a husband, how do you expect to find one if you stay at home?” said Mrs Bennet in an excited voice.
“How do you expect me to find a husband if I don’t look my best?” replied Kitty
“How do you expect to find husbands when you are the silliest girls in England?” cut Mr Bennet. “If you don’t want to go, don’t go. I for one would like to avoid it and get some peace and quiet”
“If she doesn’t go, am I allowed to stay home as well? “asked Mary looking hopeful.
“You will all go, and that is the last of it” said Mrs Bennet
“But Papa just said I could stay at home, so I will” said Kitty bitterly “you will not go against him?”
All eyes turned to her, surprise written in them. Mr Bennet did not really think his fourth daughter would ever give up the idea of dancing and pretty gowns, and he wondered if she was trying a new tactic, then thought the better of it, Kitty was not clever enough for that, she was just being childish. Mrs Bennet did not know what to say, she could not go contradict her husband. But what could she do? Surely, her daughter would change her mind when she would see them getting ready to go. Her sisters were equally surprised.
Jane could see that Kitty was unhappy, she so wanted to come out, she had been as excited as them for the past year whenever they were going out, trying to help her sisters with their outfits or their hair. She felt bad for her little sister, and she did not know what to do. Lizzy thought like her father, that Kitty was just being childish, and maybe it was better that she and Lydia did not come out, that would avoid some embarrassment to the whole family.
Mary now looked at her sister as if she had grown two heads. She had never managed to avoid going out into society, although she too craved for some peace and quiet. How had her boisterous and weak-willed sister suddenly decided to go against what they all expected her to do? Maybe there was more to her character than she thought.
Lydia was astonished. She had presumed her closest sister would complain for days, for Kitty was always following her around and it was very easy to get her own way with her. That she would take another route, she had not anticipated. The youngest Bennet shook off her surprise, thinking, like the rest of the family, that it would not last
“May I be excused?” asked Kitty. Her father nodded, and she fled the room so they would not see her cry. She probably already had puffy eyes, she always had puffy eyes when she was upset. She wanted to be on her own and not dissolve into a mess of tears in front of everyone. She ran to her room and locked it so Lydia could not come in and crow.
Kitty allowed herself to sob, until she felt somewhat calmer. Jane, Lizzy had both come knocking on the door and eventually left. Lydia had tried to enter more forcefully, but still had to give up saying “You can cry all you want, it won’t change the fact that I am the more popular, all gentlemen will want to dance with me, so maybe it is best that don’t come. You would have to sit out all dances anyway.”
After a while, she stood up and looked around the room thinking. “What now?” She started perusing the fashion magazines her friend Maria Lucas had lent her. They were supposed to come out one month apart and had been carefully studying the latest fashion for weeks to prepare for their entrance into Meryton society.
She suddenly realized what she had done. What would everyone say if she changed her mind now? Would her father let her go to the next assembly? She did not want to be home alone, when all her sisters would be enjoying assemblies and dinner parties. And if she did not come out now, when would she? All her life, these past few months, had revolved around what her upcoming birthday would bring. What would she do now?
After checking her reflection in the mirror, she arranged her hair and dress, and headed downstairs. Only Jane and Lizzy were there, both working on their embroidery. Her father was in his study, as usual. Her mother and youngest sister has gone into Meryton, and Mary was nowhere to be seen.
“How are you feeling?” asked Jane kindly.
How could she answer that question? She felt angry, betrayed, lonely, ridiculed, but she did not want to admit it. “I do not know” she said after a little while.
Lizzy raised an eyebrow at her. “You do not know?“ she asked, doubtful.
“No, I really don’t. Pray, how should I feel?” she asked sarcastically.
“Kitty, it is time for you to be your own person and grow up. You will not have someone telling you what to do, say or think your whole life. And certainly not Lydia!”
“Lizzy, you are unkind” tried Jane.
“I am not trying to be, but you have to admit that whining at her age is not very becoming.”
“What exactly did I say to deserve such censure? You want to know how I feel? Empty, I feel empty and lonely. Had I said that, you would have said that I was whining again. So, I kept my feelings to myself.”
Lizzy felt a bit guilty, she looked at her hesitantly, biting her lip, before she apologized. “I am sorry Kitty I did not mean no hurt you. But you have to admit that threatening to give up on your coming out was a bit childish, it is hardly the way to get what you want from Mama and Lydia. They know that you don’t mean it, so it won’t change a thing. Besides, Jane is right, you will look very good in my pink dress, and I am sure you can make it your own” she said grabbing her hand. “Nobody will notice that it was mine, you are that talented with a needle” she concluded, trying to sound reassuring.
Kitty felt all her anger rise again, and tried very hard to contain it. “It was not a threat” she replied in a harder tone any of her siblings had ever heard from her. “Why would I come out with Lydia? Am I not entitled to be selfish once, just once in a year? I am not entirely stupid; I know that she will make it all about her. She already has. The new gowns were supposed to be my birthday present, but apparently, it does not matter that it is my birthday. Not to her, not to Mama, not to Papa, nor to any of you for that matter. You will probably think that it is self-pity on my part, but I am beginning to think that for my family, my birthday is not worth celebrating. It would probably have been different had I been in a position to save us from the entail. So, I am sorry I am not a boy, but nor are you, so you can hardly blame me for that.”
“I did not mean…”
“No, of course not. But it hardly matters. I do not intend to attend the next Assembly. Nor do I intend to celebrate my birthday this year. After all, why would I celebrate it? I am just an annoying silly girl. It would not make much of a difference for you if I did not exist”.
Her eyes were full of tears again. This time she put her shoes on and went out. She knew she was being overly dramatic, but she wanted to be alone.
Jane moved to go after her, but Lizzy stopped her. “Let her go, she is not in a state to listen to you anyway”. She was mortified and angry at the same time. How could her little sister think that she did not matter to them? They had never been close, but their sisterly bond existed. She would do anything to protect any of her sisters, surely Kitty should know that!