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Then you stole my heart…
Patrick is surrounded by people. People that he likes even; people that he enjoys spending time with. He’s surrounded by conversation and laughter and warmth and music, all wrapped up in twinkling Christmas lights and festive cheer.
He’s the most miserable he thinks he’s ever been.
At least, the most miserable he’s been since his wife left him for her Pilates instructor, which is so cliché that even now he can’t believe he didn’t see it coming.
He’s supposed to be a big deal rock star or something, or so Pete has been trying to convince him for the last dozen or more years. How did that happen? How did he lose out to someone that tells people to stand still and breath for a living?
He tries not to remember the ‘married to your work’ accusations that Lucy threw his way as she’d been packing her bags. He point-blank refused to even acknowledge the inference she’d made that he was more committed to his relationship with his writing partner than his wife, that way lay a madness he wasn’t ready to confront, then or now.
He’s trying hard not to show how miserable he’s feeling, for the sake of his son as much as anyone. He’s smiling when someone talks to him, he’s holding conversations; he’s just not initiating and as soon as each interaction come to an end he’s back, lost inside his own head. He’s not sure where this sudden black mood has swept in from.
Evan however, is beaming with happiness as he follows Pete’s kids around like their own personal mascot. Patrick knows he’s very lucky that they both tolerate the constant attention that Evan lavishes upon them when they’re together; he’s sure that the last thing they want is a little kid, 5 and 3 years younger than them respectively, following them around and wanting to join in every game they play.
Patrick remembers what it was like to be the youngest at every family get together, never quite able to do what the other kids were doing but so desperately wanting to anyway. He remembers the crushing disappointment of being rejected by older siblings and cousins and left out of activities and he is so, so grateful that both Percy and Maya go out of their way to include his 5 year old, in fact they seem to enjoy his company.
Of course, that might have something to do with the fact that Evan will happily let Maya dress him up and play hairdresser like he was her own life size doll. Percy, he’s sure, is always just grateful that Maya has found another target for her imagination for the day. Whatever the reasons, the three of them get along with very little squabbling which means that there is always an excuse for Patrick to go hang out with Pete when he has Evan, even if they have no music related reason to do so.
Not that Patrick has ever thought he needed to find a reason to just hang out with Pete, that’s what best friends are for after all. Hanging out with Pete comes as naturally as breathing.
Patrick has found himself a quietish corner of the lounge in which to nurse his mulled cider and indulge in his own unique brand of self-pity without bringing anyone else down with him. It’s Christmas eve, no-one wants a drooping Eeyore bringing down the celebratory atmosphere. And that’s what he feels like. If Eeyore wore cardigans and glasses and a dad hat.
He wishes the LA climate lent towards needing a roaring open fire, he would welcome the opportunity to go and brood in front of the fireplace, perhaps lean on the mantle and stare into the flames stoically.
If he’d gone home to Chicago, to his mom’s, he could be taking a dramatic walk through the snow right about now. Instead he’s staring out the patio doors towards the pool where Pete had strung his overhanging palms with tinsel. LA was just never going to feel like Christmas, no matter how long he lived here. To his mind Christmas meant cold.
Going home to Chicago was never an option unfortunately. He only had Evan until 10 tomorrow morning, just enough time to open presents together and then he had to take him back to his ex-wife and her new family so they could take their turn. It was a fair arrangement he admitted somewhat begrudgingly, and honestly, Patrick appreciated that Lucy let him have Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with their son. It didn’t mean he wasn’t already dreading having to drop him off. His house always felt so empty and quiet when it didn’t contain a constantly chattering 5 year old.
“Hey Patrick,” a voice that he could only describe as ‘chipper’ piped up from behind him and he did his very best not to scowl in reaction. “Got everything you need? Does your drink need a refill?”
Plastering a fake smile on was something Patrick was very, very well-practised in thanks to years of interviews and photo shoots and he employed it now before turning. “Thanks Corrina, I’m all good,” he replied waving his still half-full cup in her direction.
“There is plenty of food, make sure you dig in,” the perky blonde continued on, “you have to help us get everything eaten, we don’t want a fridge full of leftovers.” Her laugh was high and bright and internally Patrick was sneering. And judging. He was judging so hard.
Outwardly he gave her another faked smile and nodded his agreement. “Definitely,” he agreed sounding painfully cheerful to his own ears. “I’ll be sure to do my bit.”
She gave him a pat on the arm as she turned to walk away and Patrick let the smile fall from his face as soon as she’d moved on, catching himself frowning after her. He fought the urge to roll his eyes as he watched her join another group of guests and check on their wellbeing with a charming smile.
Just who did she think she was anyway. She didn’t live here, she’d only been dating Pete 5 minutes and here she was, acting like she was Queen of the Goddamn castle. ‘you have to help us get everything eaten’ his brain parroted nastily. Who did she think she was? Her and Pete weren’t an us…they were barely anything.
She didn’t even know her way around Pete’s kitchen, not like he did. If he went over there and asked her to get him an eggcup, she wouldn’t even know which cupboard to look in. Patrick did, Patrick had used those eggcups on more than one occasion to make all the kid’s breakfast. She had no right, no right whatsoever, to be acting like this was her party. It was Pete’s party, Pete’s house, she was just a temporary interloper.
“I know where to find the eggcups,” he grumbled to himself. He had more right to be in the us with Pete than she did.
From the corner of his eye he saw Pete join his girlfriend, giving her a soft smile as he slipped an arm around her shoulders and the pretty blonde smiled back at him, adoringly. It made a lot of the righteous anger Patrick was simmering with burn away and he dropped his gaze. He knew he was being unkind; he just couldn’t help himself.
Corrina was quite nice really, if he was honest. She’d done nothing but try to be friendly to Patrick since the first time she’d met him; the first time he’d stumbled into Pete’s house unannounced carrying pizza and his laptop, eager to share what he’d been working on, only to find himself face to face with Pete’s new girlfriend with absolutely no warning.
She was young and bubbly and pretty, and she laughed at Pete’s jokes and ran around doing everything she could to take care of him. No wonder Pete preferred to spend time with her rather than Patrick. All Patrick did was argue with him and mock his taste.
It’s just…that’s what they did. He argued with Pete and Pete argued right back. He mocked Pete’s taste in music and Pete mocked his taste in movies. He mocked Pete’s taste in fashion, Pete mocked his taste in cars. It was their thing. Since they had both found themselves unexpectedly divorced within just a few short months of each other they had formed an even tighter bond than they’d shared in the early years of the band.
Pete had been his anchor, the one that kept him going when it all felt like too much, when he was heartbroken and angry and lost. In turn he was the one that pulled Pete out of bed and kept his house and his kids going when Pete was low and was struggling to put one foot in front of the other.
Patrick wasn’t sure if he was more hurt by the fact that Pete had gone out and gotten himself a girlfriend or at the fact that Pete hadn’t told him, hadn’t warned him, that he was even thinking about dating again. One day it was Pete and Patrick against the world and the next, BAM, perky blonde.
He had no right to be feeling hurt and left out and maybe, just maybe, a little bit jealous. It’s just...when Pete had invited him and Evan to come stay at for Christmas, Corrina hadn’t even been in the picture. It was just gonna be them, two single dads doing the best they could for their kids, together. Now there was a third wheel, or a second wheel and now he was the third wheel, whatever, the point was now it wasn’t just him and Pete and their kids, it was PeteandCorrina and him and the kids and as much as he kept telling himself not to, he resented it.
It was easy being single when they were being single together. Now Pete was part of a couple and Patrick was reduced to the role of sad loser single best friend.
Evan appeared beside him, clutching a can of full sugar coke, face flushed and eyes bright. “Dad, dad, dad, guess what?”
Patrick smiled down at his son, a real genuine smile for the first time in what felt like hours. “What?”
“Maya said I can dress up as Rudolph,” his son announced in awe, eyes wide, and Patrick had to take a second to think about the logistics of that.
No, he wasn’t going to work that one out without some more information.
“Really? Tell me all the details and we’ll see if I think I want you to turn into a reindeer. I don’t want Santa getting confused and using you to guide his sleigh tonight, your mom will kill me if I lose you.” he smiled down at the tow headed boy.
Evan took his hand to drag him across the room and Patrick took the opportunity to relieve his already hyper child of the soda. Evan didn’t even seem to notice.
Dressing up as Rudolph turned out to be no more than a dress up bear costume paired with a set of sparkly antlers so he gave it his seal of approval and left the kids to their games.
Moving through the party guests he stopped to chat with Brendon and Sarah for a short while until they were joined by other guests and Patrick was able to slip away unnoticed. He was just refilling his cup in the kitchen when Pete suddenly appeared at his shoulder.
“Have you seen Evan’s costume?” He was grinning from ear to ear and lent across to Patrick to grab a bottle of wine.
“Yeah,” Patrick chuckled. “I left him with Percy trying to work out what reindeer sound like. They were hitting up YouTube for videos.”
“Your kid is a Saint, I swear to God. I don’t know what Maya would do without him to indulge her.”
Patrick shrugged lightly, watching as Pete poured his drinks. White wine he noticed, Pete usually drank red. That must be Corrina’s influence. He tried not to frown to hard.
“He loves it just as much.”
“Well he’s as cute as a button,” Pete glanced up, grin still firmly in place. “Takes after his dad.”
Patrick chuckled slightly but dropped his gaze from Pete’s. He wasn’t feeling up to their usual banter.
“Hey,” Pete’s voice dropped and he lent in closer. When Patrick glanced back up at him his smile had slipped and he was watching him with concerned eyes. “You okay? You seem a little out of it. You not having a good time?”
Patrick musted up a smile but he could see that it didn’t fool Pete quite the way it fooled everyone else.
“I’m fine dude, just feeling a little melancholy at having to take Evan back to his moms tomorrow; you know how it is.” He wasn’t lying, but he knew it wasn’t just that. The sudden unexpected change in their plans had left him antsy; he wasn’t about to admit that to Pete though, the man was allowed to invite whoever the hell he wanted into his house, into his life, and Patrick didn’t get a say in it.
“Yeah, it’s always tougher at the holidays,” Pete empathised sincerely, patting his arm.
“You know, if you want a little company there are one or two very nice young ladies I can introduce you to.” Pete waggled his eyebrows suggestively, his grin making a reappearance .
“Ah, no, no thank you,” Patrick shook his head, throwing Pete a small smile to show he wasn’t offended by the suggestion. “I don’t think I’m ready for that.”
Pete shrugged and patted his arm gently again before gathering up the glasses of wine that he’d poured.
“I know buddy, but you gotta get back on the horse at some point. If you change your mind, anytime, I can give you a whole heap of numbers of ladies that would fight to the death to get a chance to date the great Patrick Stump.”
“Get back on the horse?” Patrick repeated, horrified and Pete beamed at him. “How do you ever get anyone to date you, it’s beyond me.”
Pete threw his head back and laughed as Patrick shook his head in disbelief.
“Might have something to do with the size of my….”
Patrick slapped a hand over his friends mouth before he could finish the sentence and shot him a dry look.
“Yes thank you, we are all well acquainted with the size of that.” He wiped his hand on his jeans when Pete licked his palm.
“You can get acquainted anytime you want Tricky,” he teased and with one last bump of his shoulder he was disappearing into the crowd.
Patrick watched him go with a smile but he could feel the melancholy returning almost immediately. Like the warmth Pete had suffused him with as they’d stood side by side was leaching away.
Patrick sighed deeply and grabbed his own drink. He really was a dramatic bitch when the mood took him.
***
Christmas morning started early; way, way earlier than Patrick would have liked it to, but he wasn’t at all surprised. There was no way anyone was sleeping past daybreak, not with 3 children in the house.
It was barely light before Evan was bouncing on his bed in what was technically Pete’s spare room, but in reality was universally referred to as Patrick’s room. The on suite held his spare toiletries, the closet held various sets of his clothes. He never needed to pack a bag to stay at Pete’s. Evan had his own bed in Percy’s room that Pete had gone out and bought specifically for the boy after one to many nights on a blow-up mattress.
“Dad, come see, come see, dad, he came, Santa came, come see,” his son was chanting at him whilst bouncing excitedly.
“Okay, hug and I’ll get up,” Patrick managed to groan out and Evan immediately collapsed against him, squeezing as tight as his little arms would allow. Patrick pressed his face into his son’s hair and breathed in with his eyes closed, knowing it was only going to be a second before the boy was on the move again.
“Merry Christmas, baby boy,” he smiled, and Evan beamed back at him.
“Merry Christmas, dad. Can we go open presents now?”
“Are Percy, Maya and Pete up?” Patrick asked as he dragged himself out from beneath the covers.
“Yeah, and Corrie made us special juice too, to make sure we were awake.”
“Oh how lovely of her,” Patrick grimaced, glad that his sarcasm sailed directly over Evan’s head.
“Okay, go on out to the living room, I’m gonna hit the bathroom and I’ll be right there. No opening anything without me.”
“We won’t,” Evan grinned and was gone in a flurry of festive pyjamas and Avengers dressing gown.
Patrick had barely stepped foot into the living room a few minutes later before Pete was handing him off an enormous mug of coffee and he smiled sleepily at his best friend in thanks.
“I knew you’d be finding the early start rough,” Pete joked and reached over and tried to flatten Patrick’s hair down. Patrick knocked his shoulder against his friends arm as he ducked away from his hands but grinned, amused. Pete looked marginally more awake than he was, but not by much.
“You are a live saver,” he agreed and they collapsed side by side into the couch nearest the tree and the children.
“Dad, look. Look at all the presents Santa bought.” Evan exclaimed, tugging on Patrick’s sweatpants and pointing towards the towering pile of presents that he and Pete, (with help from Corrina that they really hadn’t needed thank you very much), had set out late last night.
“Oh my Gosh, wow,” Patrick enthused with a smile. “Someone around here must have been on Santa’s extra special list. I wonder who it could be?”
Evan fit himself into the gap between Percy and Maya, both of whom were sitting in front of the tree and looked equally as excited. “Can we open them now?”
Patrick shared a look with Pete who was smiling hard and they both nodded just slightly.
“Okay, listen up. Christmas 2015 is about to commence in the Wentz-Stump household. Percy, Maya, you know the drill, Perc, you want to fill Evan in on how we go about opening presents?”
Percy’s eyes were fixed on a big shiny package with his name on but he managed to draw his gaze away long enough to look over at his de-facto sibling.
“We have to take it in turns,” he almost sighed with frustration as he said it. “We take it in turns to go up to the tree and pick one present for someone else in the room. They open it and then the next person gets theirs, it takes ages.”
Pete rolled his eyes in Patrick’s direction but was unable to contain his amusement. “I know, it’s such a hardship,” he agreed with his eldest.
“Who wants to go first?”
All three children, and Patrick, raised their hands immediately and it made Pete laugh, just as he knew it would.
“Okay, Evan as it’s your first Wentz-Stump Christmas how about you go first.”
Evan jumped to his feet and stood looking at the pile of presents, not seeming to know where to start.
“Want me to help you read the tags?” Pete asked him and Evan looked up at him with a sunny smile. “Yes please Pete.”
Patrick sat back against the cushions and watched; watched the way his best friend looked at his son and felt his stomach swoop with affection. Pete had done so much over the last couple of years to make sure that he and Evan were included in everything he did with his own kids. It had made a very difficult time just a little less horrible.
His memories since his divorce were full of Pete, Percy and Maya. Outings to the park, days spent by the pool, picnics in the back garden, bbqs and birthday parties, dog walks and game sessions, nights spent doing nothing more than watching a movie after getting the kids to bed. Patrick wasn’t one to wax lyrical about his feelings but even he would have to admit that he’d been happy.
In fact, once he got over the pain and shock of his wife walking out and only having Evan part-time the last couple of years had been some of his happiest.
Pete quite honestly made a better co-parent with him than Lucy ever had. He’d always felt like everything he’d tried to do with and for Evan since he was born had never been good enough for her. Pete made him feel like it didn’t matter that he didn’t always get it quite right, didn’t always know what to do for the best. Pete had been parenting twice as long as him and he said he still felt like that all the time. Pete didn’t expect Patrick to be perfect; he was always telling Patrick that he was good enough just the way he was.
He had always been Patrick’s 1 person cheer squad, the one person that Patrick could count on to have his back no matter how much they might fight at times.
Pete joined him on the couch again, huge smile still in place as they both watched Maya, who’d received the first present, tear into the wrapping paper.
“I think we did good,” Patrick remarked and Pete leaned into him, pressing his face into his arm still smiling.
“I think we nailed it,” he agreed.
“Okay Percy, you go next, find another present,” Pete motioned over towards the tree again and Percy almost fell over his own feet in his rush to comply.
“Hey, I thought you were going to wait until we were all together to start opening presents.”
Patrick looked up at the same time as Pete did and Corrina was standing in the doorway with her hands on her hips frowning slightly as she took in the sight of the kids ploughing headfirst into present opening. He’d forgotten that she was even here. From the guilty look on his friends face he was guessing Pete had too.
“Literally just started,” Pete covered smoothly with a smile and patted the couch cushion on the other side of him from Patrick. “Come take a seat.”
Corrina slid into the chair, leaning over to press a kiss to Pete’s cheek and gave him one of her big bright smiles. “I’ll forgive you then.”
Patrick looked away and tried not to resent her intrusion.
***
All too soon it rolled round to 9:30, presents had been opened, breakfast consumed, calls made to grandparents and Patrick packed Evan and his hoard of toys and other gifts into his car and headed out to take him back to Lucy’s. The good mood he’d started the morning with was evaporating with each mile. It had been fantastic to have his son this morning but not getting to spend the whole day with him, knowing he was going to spend the day with Lucy’s new husband instead, churned his stomach.
It honestly didn’t help that he was going to have to face spending the day with Pete and Corrina instead. When they’d initially made plans, Patrick had been okay with getting to spend the day with Pete, Percy and Maya if he couldn’t spend it with Evan. He’d made his peace with spending the day with his second favourite people on the planet. Now though, he was nauseated at the thought of having to watch Pete and Corrina be all cosy and romantic over the dinner table.
If he didn’t think that Pete would take offense or start to worry, he’d beg off and go home alone. Pete had gifted him with a very nice bottle of scotch that would be more than enough company. Perhaps he could convince Pete he’d decided to go home at the end of the day, instead of staying for another night. He was sure his friend would understand; besides, it wasn’t like he needed Patrick’s company anymore.
Lucy appeared in the doorway when he pulled up outside the house they had once shared and she greeted Evan with a hug when Patrick released him from the car. He was busy telling his mom all about his morning as Patrick gathered all the bags from the car and made his way over as well.
“I think I got everything,” he told her distractedly. “If I come across anything else when I leave Pete’s later I’ll hang onto it until I have him again in a few days. I apologise in advance for the talking robot thing, that was a Pete present. I totally understand if the batteries were to mysteriously run out.”
Lucy gave him a tight smile and nodded. “Understood.” She turned her attention down to Evan. “Give your dad a hug before he goes, you can phone him later and you’ll see him on Monday.”
Patrick crouched down to hug the boy as tight as he could and tried not to be hurt by the fact that Evan clearly couldn’t wait to go, Patrick knew it was because of the lure of all the presents he still had to unwrap.
“So, who is Corrina?” Lucy asked once Evan had darted into the house leaving the two of them standing awkwardly on the doorstep.
“Corrina?” he questioned. Why on earth was Lucy asking about her? How did she even know about her? Did everyone else know that Pete had got himself a new girlfriend? Had he been the last to know?
“Evan mentioned a Corrina, I was just wondering who she was, I know all of your relatives, and Pete’s and there isn’t a Corrina in amongst any of them.” She was twisting her shiny new wedding ring around on her finger as she spoke.
“Oh, she’s Pete’s new girlfriend. She’s staying with Pete for a few days over Christmas.” He tried not to let his resentment bleed through in his voice, going for nonchalant, but this woman had been his wife. She knew him way to well to be so easily fooled.
“Oh,” she blinked, looking shocked. “That’s…you must be…I’m so sorry Patrick. That must be hard. I really thought you two had finally sorted yourselves out, I didn’t realise he was dating someone else.” She gave him a genuine soft smile and reached out to pat his arm even as he was standing looking at her with an utterly confused expression.
What did she mean finally sorted themselves out? “It’s fine, she’s fine, I mean nice and everything, it’s all fine. He seems happy.”
Yeah, Patrick didn’t even sound convincing to his own ears.
Lucy’s frown deepened. “I really thought…” she trailed off and shook her head, stepping back again as if she was going to disappear into the house.
“Thought what?” Patrick asked her even though a small part of his brain was flashing up red warning signs and telling him to back away from the conversation. He never had been very good at backing away from a fight. Not that he thought they were fighting, but…
Lucy turned back and looked at him for a long moment, a frown on her brow and she seemed to be considering something. Finally she sighed slightly and shook her head.
“I can’t remember the last time Evan came home from yours without tales of you guys having been at Pete’s. I thought that you and Pete had finally stopped dancing around each other, and you’d finally seen sense and taken that final step. I always kinda knew it was coming so I wasn’t surprised by it. I’m more surprised to hear that you aren’t actually. I really thought you two were actually a couple at last.”
Patrick froze to the spot, his mouth hanging open unattractively, words beyond him.
“I’m sorry that he’s dating someone else, that must be tough to watch.” Lucy added kindly.
“We’re not…it’s not like that. I’m not…I’m straight.” He finally stuttered and his ex-wife rolled her eyes.
“I know you are Patrick. Straight except for a side of Pete and if you seriously haven’t figured that out for yourself by now then I don’t know what to tell you.” Patrick was well acquainted with the sigh of frustration she gave him. He’d been hearing that for years.
He shook his head again, this was…wrong, he wasn’t…except that maybe…was he? Were they?
Lucy shook her head again and wished him goodbye on another sigh and with one last look she stepped inside and shut the door.
“I’m not gay,” he muttered at the closed door. Yeah, that didn’t sound very convincing either.
He climbed back into his car and headed on autopilot back towards Pete’s house. His brain was never a quiet place at the best of times, always whirling with stray thoughts and balled up anxiety. He was used to it. But right now there was a hurricane ripping through his mind. He wasn’t sure what was going to be left standing at the end of it. Thoughts were whipping by to fast for him to get a firm hold of.
He was only 5 minutes away from Pete’s when the panic finally reached a crescendo and he had to pull over at the side of the road or risk an accident. Thankfully the suburban roads were quiet, all of LA’s resident tucked away happily behind their front doors with their loved ones, enjoying Christmas, or at least that’s how it felt.
Patrick forced himself to take a few deep breaths and lent his head against his steering wheel. He was straight, he knew he was. He’d never been attracted to anyone that wasn’t female before, ever. He was too old to be having a sexual identity crisis now. Surely he should have been doing this in his teens, not his 30’s.
It wasn’t the first time Lucy had alluded to his relationship with Pete being more than just platonic friendship, but it was the first time she’d said it so blatantly. He’d always been able to ignore it before, not acknowledged the elephant in the room, not matter how large it got. He thought she understood the rules in this, she never came right out and accused him of being attracted to Pete and he could go on ignoring…whatever it was that Pete made him feel. Apparently getting divorced had change the rules of combat.
He wasn’t ready to face this, he wasn’t. He’d successfully hidden from these feeling since he was 17 and Pete had shown up at his house and demanded that he sing for him. He’d stamped down ruthlessly on the fluttery feelings he had always gotten around the older boy. He put it down to nerves, and hero worship and later irritation.
He’d dropped his gaze whenever his eyes strayed to the strip of skin between the waist band of Pete’s too skinny jeans and too tiny t-shirt he used to favour. He’d endured the fact that Pete hung all over him, on stage, on buses, aware that at any second Pete could be off, his attention drawn away. He’d ignored them for years.
Patrick hadn’t allowed himself to even give these feelings a name, it had seemed pointless to do so. He knew he’d never have a chance to keep Pete’s attention in that way, even if he could attract it in the first place. He had refused to even admit there was a line to cross, no matter how many times Pete had attempted to get him to in those early years. Instead he had blossomed into his role as best friend and that’s where he was content to stay.
Except…except…was he?
This last year his relationship with Pete had changed, again. They had come together to navigate single parenthood and it had worked. Patrick had been happier than he could remember being in almost forever. He was content to have Pete, Percy and Maya in his and Evan’s lives on an almost daily basis. He hadn’t needed anything more, hadn’t wanted anything or anyone else and he’d thought Pete was feeling the same.
Until she had come along and put everything out of balance again. And he knew he was being unreasonable. He couldn’t expect Pete to stay single forever, he was still a young man, of course he was going to want to find a romantic partner again. Patrick knew he’d been a fool not to expect it sooner. It didn’t mean it didn’t hurt.
It didn’t mean he wasn’t jealous.
He was.
He was so jealous.
It shouldn’t be Pete and Corrina, it should be Pete and Patrick. It had been Pete and Patrick for so long now that Patrick had convinced himself that it always would be.
He’d stood beside Pete through every relationship, been his best man twice, been his wingman more times than he could count and he had never, ever, felt this overwhelming jealously before. He’d never looked at anyone that Pete had hooked up with and thought ‘that should be me’
Patrick sat back in his car seat and wiped his face. Swept away tears that he hadn’t realised he was crying and concentrated on breathing, slow and even, until he was feeling calmer. Or as calm as he was gonna get given that the whole world had just shifted beneath his feet.
“It should be me,” he muttered under his breath and shook his head to try to dislodge the thought. He wasn’t ready to face this, it would change everything, it would change him. Admitting he was in love with his best friend was going to change everything and Patrick was terrified.
***
Patrick pulled up in Pete’s driveway and almost immediately noticed Corrina’s car was missing. It had been parked alongside Pete’s when he’d left a couple of hours ago. Hopefully she’d popped out for something, it would give him the opportunity to talk to Pete alone for a minute.
He knew Pete was going to be bummed if Patrick said he wasn’t going to stay for Christmas day after all but there was just no way Patrick could go through with it. He could not sit and watch Pete with someone else, not today. He needed some distance, some time to get his head around everything, find a way to protect himself again. He already had a whole list of different excuses lined up and ready to go when he stepped into the house.
He found Pete in the kitchen, loading the dishwasher, lost in thought but he looked up and smiled when he saw it was Patrick coming through the door.
“Hey Rick, you okay?” He asked.
Patrick shrugged, lining up his first excuse, ready to leave but before he could say a word Pete’s smile dropped and he glanced over Patrick’s shoulder, looking to see where the children were.
“So Corrina has decided to go to her mom’s after all.”
Patrick stopped in his tracks and blinked at Pete in shock.
“Apparently I wasn’t giving her enough attention.” Pete rolled his eyes. “She was pissed that we started opening the presents without her and that I spent more time talking to you and the kids than her this morning. I told her that how things were and if she didn’t understand that you were as important as she was then she should leave now. So she did.”
Pete shrugged his shoulders, aiming for blasé, and loaded some glasses into the machine.
Patrick was still blinking at him silently. He was going to say something reassuring to his friend, just as soon as he remembered how to form words again. All he could focus on right now was his feeling of relief and he wasn’t about to tell Pete that he was glad she’d gone.
“I guess it’s just gonna be me and you cooking dinner after all.” Pete shot him a smirk and glanced around the kitchen. “Can I tell you a secret?”
Patrick nodded, still mute and stepped further into the room.
“I’m glad she decided to leave. I knew I’d made a huge mistake asking her to come for Christmas last night but it didn’t seem right to kick her out. I’m sorry I let her intrude, I know you weren’t happy about it and I know it’s my fault. I should have told you about her, warned you she was going to be here, I guess I was too scared to tell you and I’m sorry. I knew it was a mistake almost as soon as the party started.”
Pete rinsed another plate under the running faucet and turned to slip it into the dishwasher, his eyes downturned, avoiding Patrick’s gaze but Patrick didn’t need to see Pete’s eyes to read his expression.
“I don’t think I’m going to be seeing her again.” Pete finished quietly. “I thought…but it felt wrong.”
Patrick watched him shrug slightly and felt his heart break for his friend. He joined Pete at the counter and handed him another plate to rinse automatically and Pete finally looked back at him.
Patrick held his gaze for a long moment, his eyes cataloguing his friend’s features. It was a face he knew probably better than his own. It was the face he had looked at the most over the course of his adult life. He hadn’t ever looked at him quite like this before.
Patrick had no idea what his own face was giving away but Pete’s expression turned thoughtful and he looked back at him calmly. “Patrick?” he asked gently, just a tiny prod and finally Patrick remembered how to form words.
“I’m in love with you.” He delivered it calmly, as if he’d said it a hundred times before. He was pretty sure he probably had in his head. It was just the first time he’d allowed the thought out of his mouth.
“I hated that she was here, I hated that she was taking my place. I’m in love with you and I think I probably always have been.”
Pete was frozen, his expression shocked and it was his turn to blink mutely as his brain kicked and whirled. Patrick was ridiculously calm. Shouldn’t he be a nervous wreck? He’d just been sitting in his car crying but here he was, telling his best friend he loved him and he was calm.
“You’re in love with me?” Pete echoed. “Like, want to be my boyfriend, have sex with me, in love with me?”
Patrick found himself smiling gently and held his gaze. “Want to be your boyfriend, want to have sex with you, want to raise our kids together in love with you,” he agreed.
Pete was still holding the plate he’d just rinsed in his hand and it crashed to the floor, shattering into a thousand shards as Pete finally found the wherewithal to move his limbs again.
“You’re in love with me,” he repeated again, this time with a smile on his face and when he stepped forward Patrick reacted instinctively, his hands coming up to cup Pete’s face as their lips met and Pete kissed him. Kissed him like they’d been doing this forever.
This wasn’t a first kiss, it was nothing like a first kiss. This was the sort of kiss you gave someone you’d kissed a thousand times before, and wanted to kiss a thousands times more.
Pete kissed him thoroughly, with intent, their bodies pressing together in a tight line, his arms tight around Patrick’s back and it felt so perfect, so completely right, that it wasn’t until Pete was pulling away that it occurred to Patrick that it was the first time he’d ever kissed another man.
It felt like it should be a huge event, in fact all Patrick was concerned about was getting Pete to do it again.
“Daddy, that was my plate,” Maya’s voice pipped up from the other side of the counter and both men looked over to see the girl standing with her hands on her hips, her face thunderous. She didn’t seem the slightest bit shocked that she’d walked in on them kissing.
“I’m very sorry baby girl,” Pete apologised to her, not relinquishing his hold on Patrick. “I promise to buy you a new one.”
“A Disney Princess one?” Maya questioned distrustfully, and Pete nodded solemnly. Patrick could feel a smirk breaking out on his face and hid his face against Pete’s neck so Maya wouldn’t see.
“Anything you want, I promise.” Pete answered her seriously.
Maya’s face split into a grin. “Can I choose?”
Pete nodded again, “sure. Give me a minute to finish loading the dishwasher and we can look online, okay?”
“Okay daddy,” she smiled, bad mood evaporated and she skipped back out of the kitchen.
Pete turned back towards Patrick and the two men grinned at each other.
“So,” Pete began and pecked another kiss onto Patrick’s mouth. “Like this is amazing, and I would really, really like to take this further, right now, but…”
“…but,” Patrick agreed. “We have 2 children in the other room and a Christmas dinner to prepare.”
Pete nodded, his face split into a huge smile. “So could we maybe just press pause, for a few hours and then once the kids are in bed I’m all yours?”
Patrick drew him into another kiss, lingering in it as much as he dared allow himself and then pulled back with a sigh. “That sounds like a plan,” he agreed. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Daaaaaaaaad…” Maya’s voice called from the other room and both men broke apart reluctantly.
“Go and help her choose a new plate, I’ll finish the dishwasher,” Patrick grinned, pushing Pete towards the kitchen door.
“Just so you know,” Pete stopped again, just before he stepped out of the room and turned to look at Patrick with a soft smile. “I’m in love with you too. I have been from the moment I first met you.”
Patrick stood behind the counter and grinned from ear to ear.
“Merry Christmas Pete,” God he sounded besotted already .
“Merry Christmas Patrick.” It was okay, Pete sounded just as gone as he did.