Work Text:
As a child you don't notice many things. Chan realized this only after having turned fifteen. Many things he considered normal as a child, he realized abruptly in his teen years, weren't. The way adults who weren't his race spoke about him with disdain from pre-k through second grade. The mockery he faced from other children for the same reason. You don't realize as child that somethings are wrong to point out. Wrong to say or do and when it happens you don't have the forethought to ask yourself why that comment someone made felt slightly weird. Chan remembered once he had told his mom something he'd heard the lunch lady say one day after serving him. He had been in first grade at the time, ranting aimlessly to his mother about his day (as all first graders do their parents after school). He remembered not what the lunch lady had said, but he vividly remembered his.mothers reaction. She had been driving and the instant the words let his mouth he remembered feeling the car swerve slightly in the road. She looked over her shoulder briefly and Chan caught a glimpse of the pure shock on her face. With an astounded "what?" she began to rigorously question him, her voice colored with indignation and vaguely masked rage. Chan had continued to tell the story that was his day after the questioning with childlike innocence. He, after all, couldn't read emotion so well at that age. The only change he was aware of in the next couple days was a heated conversation between his parents, him staying at school a little bit after the end of the day that Friday, and the random disappearance of his lunch lady the next Monday. Chan, of course, had realized what it was about by the time reached sixth grade but the story was a great analogy for how he lived now.
You see Chan, instead of being bad at reading others and social queues, is now in his early twenties and is very bad at reading himself. He doesn't know his own boundaries and often finds himself pushing himself too hard and too fast which usually ends up in an emotional and/or physical burn out. Chan also has some major insomnia issues which he, still unsure of himself and his feelings, can't handle without some form of emotional struggle. So he just doesn't deal with it at all. He lets himself burn out and slowly build up stress until the dam breaks and he ends up having a meltdown. Chan is a smart man and he could very well see the pattern of behavior he exhibited if he treated himself with the same care he did others. He didn't, however, and maybe that was because he didn't want to.
Chan had spent most of his life fearing himself, honestly. His feelings were scary because they were his own. They skirted too close to his mind for him to be able to manage them without feeling overwhelmed. Chan could help others easily, he'd even go so far as to say it made him happy. There was always a sort of distance there when helping someone else. No matter how close you were, you couldn't ever truely understand someone else's mind. You didn't live in it, you couldn't perceive things as they did. It gave him a sort of calm to be able to know their mind and help them untangle the knot of thoughts within, but not have the stress of living it.
Chan's mind was difficult because he feared the size of that knot that lives in his head. So he keeps busy. He stays up until five in the morning making music and writing lyrics so that he doesn't have to stay up for hours roaming his mind. He purposefully fills his schedule and plasters a smile to his face so he doesn't have to see what his horrible coping mechanisms do to him. He works out so viciously so that when he's done he can blame his exhaustion on the workout and note the unhealthy amount of coffee he substituted for water that day. Chan let's himself follow this schedule consistently, tiring himself out until he can't stand it anymore. He will break. He will cry. He will hate it and berate himself even as he lays in bed too mentally broken to find motivation. And one day, inspiration will strike. And Chan will crawl out of bed and he will start his vicious circle once again.
Chan doesn't realize it but his members know how broken he is. They know his cycle and they watch it happen unsure of how to stop it. Would up front confrontation make it worse? Would he notice if they tried a more subtle route? They didn't know but they knew they couldn't take it anymore. Minho was tired of seeing the dark circles under his eyes at vocal practice. Hyunjin was tired of keeping his eyes locked in Chan during dance practice; waiting for the terrible sight of the man collapsing. Jisung and Changbin couldn't stand seeing all the water bottles they brought to the studio for Chan still full the next day. Seungmin and Felix were sick of watching him leave the table with a nearly full plate, in which he'd promise to finish, end up packaged neatly in the fridge for another member that morning. It's not like anyone could stomach the thought of eating something Chan had rejected though, so it went to waste anyway. Jeongin couldn't stand how desperate Chan got for hugs and cuddles and comfort after trudging through the dorm threshold at five thirty in the morning. He couldn't understand how Chan managed to get maybe five hours most nights and still maintained their grilling schedule.
Minho had been the person to bring up the issue they had all seen growing. They all had talked about it to each other at one point before. It wasn't as if none of the others noticed or hadn't brought it up, so when Minho had presented the issue no one was necessarily surprised. Something had happened the night before between Minho and Chan that had left a bad taste in the dancers mouth and hence spurred him into action. In the couple hours before Minho had called the meeting to discuss the situation, he had gone to Chan's studio. Chan had kept himself holed up in there all day, and if Minho knew anything about the man it was that, when focused on something, he wouldn't move until he was satisfied. And Chan was a perfectionist so it was likely the most he had eaten that day was an energy bar after exercising and a bowl of Cheerios. Minho had decided then before leaving the company building that he would grab Chan and they could get dinner. This however proved a lot hard than it should've. Minho had knocked on Chan's door multiple times only to get no response. That should've been his first red flag. Chan always answered his door within the first four knocks. At no response, Minho had let himself in. He wasn't greeted with the sight of Chan sitting in his chair eyes focused and headphones over his ears. No, his headphones were off and his eyes stared dully at the bright computer screen. His fingers tapped away on the mouse for a good few minutes before Minho gave up on waiting for Chan to do the polite thing and turn to see what he was there for. Minho pushed down the sting of Chan's silent rejections and cleared his throat before speaking.
"Chan? I was wondering if you wanted to get food? You've been in here basically all day and I was gonna go home so I figured I'd just drag you with me."
"No, thanks."
Chan's voice was blunt and monotone. Minho was quiet for a second shocked into silence at the very un-Chan-like response.
"Um, okay? Do you you want me to bring you food then?"
"No."
Minho was getting irritated now, "Chan, I know you haven't left this room since you entered it at twelve this afternoon, and I know therefore that you couldn't have eaten anything more than the food you have here, which can't be more than an oily cheesestick. Can you please come home with me tonight? I'm sure your music can wait less than twenty-four hours to see you again."
It was then that Chan had snapped on him. Not the kind of snap Minho usually saw from Chan during practice. It wasn't his usual carefully but intensely worded statement. Chan had whipped around in his chair to look at him for the first time since Minho entered and the expression Minho saw could only be described as blatant disdain and exasperation, which hurt Minho more than any form of rage could. Chan had never looked at his members as someone lesser or lower than him. He excepted the title of hyung because it was a brother thing, but never had he been rude or condescending.
"Minho, I get this mght be a little tough for you to understand because you don't make music? But I am busy. And I do not need you telling me what I need to do right now. What I need, is to finish this track so I can go home. Now can you please let me work in peace for once?"
They stared at each other for a second. Minho was appalled. His mind for a second refused to believe that Chan had just spoken to him that way. When his mind finally caught up with his ears Minho clenched his jaw and hissed through his teeth attempting to be as kind as possible in his response. Minho didn't act very kindly to bring insulted unlike Hyunjin or Seungmin who'd take it with a grain of salt. He especially didn't take it well when it was someone he knew and trusted. Where Felix might've shut down and ended up crying hours later, Minho was compulsed to start a fight be it verbal or physical. He reigned in his glaringly hot indignation and snapped back.
"Fine, talk to me when you're ready to act like an adult Christopher." Minho couldn't help tacking on his full name. If Chan was going to treat him like a child then he would get the same treatment right back. With that Minho whirled around and slammed the door before Chan could even ponder up something to placate the situation. While Minho stormed out of the building, Chan sat in his chair hands pulling harshly at his hair in frustration with himself.
When Minho got home the others were sitting on the couch waiting to start the movie they had chosen for the biweekly movie night all the members did. The festive mood was easily silenced the instant Minho entered the dorm, slamming the door and muttering profanities under his breath. They all watched as he beelined straight for the bathroom to rinse his face with cool water to flush out the burning fire on the apples of his cheeks. The living room remained silent the entire time Minho spent in the bathroom. All the members exchanged glances silently and quickly communicating. When he entered the room his hands still faintly quivered at his sides even after the five minutes he spent in the trying to make the shakes stop. This time he suspected it was probably less of a result from the rage and more the left over adrenaline.
Minho had chosen to take a seat next to Felix who he know would immediately pull him into a hug and potentially a long cuddle as he told them what happened. Minho wasn't sure would have the ability to ask for the cuddles he needed while he was already exposing do much vulnerability just telling the story and how it made him feel. So sitting next to Felix when the freckled man knew he was upset was usually a sure fire way of getting those cuddles.
Just as expected, the instant Minho sat down he was encompassed in a warm Felix koala hug. As Felix's firm grip settled around Minho's waist he felt himself relax. It was at that exact moment that Minho decided enough was enough. If direct confrontation was what stopped this whole situation with Chan then so be it.
"We can't let Chan keep doing this to himself." Minho abruptly started, "I was leaving the company today when I realized that I hadn't seen Chan around at all since he entered his studio at like, twelve earlier in the afternoon. So I immediately knew that he probably hadn't eaten or properly taken care of himself as he usually doesn't when he gets like that. So I went to talk to him today about catching a meal then coming home with me before I left the company and all he-" Minho puffed out a breath, "He basically told me that I was always bothering him and that he just wanted me to quit getting on his ass about coming home. But-it...it was the way he said it. He's never talked to me that way before. As if I wasn't Minho, but a-an insolent child."
Minho looked down fiddling with his thumbs in a show of seldom seen insecurity, "And I know he didn't mean it. I know he's probably beating himself up about what he said as we speak, so although what he said did hurt, that's not what's mainly on my mind right now. Because I can see how bad he's hurting and I know Chan needs help; but it's hard when he doesn't let us provide it. Maybe Chan is sort of calling out for help. Maybe he has been calling out for it for a long time but even he hasn't realized that this is what all this is."
Felix squeezed him quickly and hooked his chin over Minho's shoulder. He began gently rubbing circles on his stomach, which was an odd thing that the members had figured out a little while ago that often placated him.
The other members looked somber and the room was quiet for a bit before Hyunjin spoke, "...How do we do this then? Do you think we should all talk to him together or just one of us alone?"
"It needs to be the group all together." It was Changbin who spoke, "Chan doesnt realize the gravity of the situation I don't think. He doesn't know that it has gotten to the point where we all have noticed. Maybe if we have a group discussion he'll realize how bad it is, and that he needs help?"
"Yeah, and from what Minho's saying it might not be a good idea to try one on one again." Jisung muttered, who had been a lot more quiet than usual. He looked vaguely sick to his stomach. Seugmin reached out to grab his hand and squeeze it. Jisung sighed and leaned a bit more into his touch.
Felix nodded along with the rest of the boys, the action slightly digging his chin into Minho's shoulder, "Lets make sure to bring it up careful still though. Channie hyung doesn't respond well to yelling or even berating remember?"
They did remember. All the members have had their fair share of hard times. Just a few months ago they had to sit Jeongin down just like this because he had some emotional issues as well. It wasn't uncommon for these meetings to happen; it was just with Chan where things got a little blurry. He usually set them up for others and he never got the chance to take care of himself. Chan had brought up before that he had some serious anxiety issues that led to bad coping mechanisms. He mentioned paranoia a few times and, once privately to Changbin, some bad self esteem issues. After those problems had been mentioned they were never brought up again.
So the members agreed that it would be Sunday, the only shared day off they had, that they would have the group meeting and talk to Chan.
Sunday came faster than anyone was prepared for and they supposed that was a good thing because Chan had been completely avoiding all the members since the situation with Minho. He managed to come home late enough that no one was awake, planned out his early morning jog so that he would be gone by the time the members woke, and always ate out to avoid dinners and lunches. They only saw him at practices and recordings, both of which were not places to have the conversation they wanted.
It was Jeongin who had eventually found a solution to Chan's clever plan of avoidance. Sunday morning the maknae had managed to stay up long enough to hear Chan come home and after he was sure his hyung fell asleep he snuck into his room and shut off his alarm clock.
Chan ended up sleeping the next morning until one in the afternoon. He awoke disoriented and wondering what day it was. His body felt sore and achy and it took him maybe a minute too long to peel open his eyes. Chan rolled over in his bed feeling too hot and uncomfortably sweaty. His blankets stuck to his skin and wound around his body so tight he felt as if he was being constricted by a huge snake. He sat up and swallowed, slightly irritated at the painfully feeling. He glanced over at his bedside table and did a double take. Panic shot through his veins as he saw the time. One in the afternoon?! How?! He set his alarm clock for five a.m. as per usual hadn't he? It was then that a deeper sort of panic crept into his heart and settled like ice in his bones. It was Sunday which meant he would have to see the boys on his way out and if he knew them at all, he knew they would've already had a talk about his conversation with Minho. That meant that he probably wouldn't be leaving this place at all until they all had spoken. Something in Chan was repulsed at the idea of it but something that lived deeper in his mind was ready for it too. That, however, didn't stop Chan from looking like he got eaten and shit back out of the bowels of hell even after he'd cleaned up in the bathroom.
Chan had probably stayed inside the bathroom longer than necessary and if he was only doing just because he was quite frankly terrified of the oncoming talk you didn't hear it from him. That being said, Chan had spent so much time in the bathroom that there was literally nothing else to do inside. He'd cleaned their cabinet using the excuse that he was grossed out by its "filthy" state, swept the floor and mopped it because he "hated feeling the debris under his feet after a shower", clipped his nails, brushed his teeth and did several other pointless things that Minho usually went around doing (because he was an absolute clean freak). When Chan opened the door to the bathroom he was greeted with the faint sounds of his memebers cooking and the maknaes playing games in the livingroom. Even from where he stood outside both rooms he could smell ramen cooking. Chan felt a wave of nausea somehow also mixed with hunger wash over him at it. His head felt a little fuzzy and he had the brief thought that water might fix it. The way he unintentionally gagged at the thought of consuming anything deterred the thought from fully settling.
Chan sighed and began his trudge to where his members were, not bothering to even try to get ready to leave the house. So when he saw his members for the first time in a good thirty-four hours, he stood in oversized pj's with eyebags the size of the moon and a headache that was so bad his temples were throbbing. He dropped his head low and walked through the hallway that led to the main area.
Chan entered the living room like this and he was acutely aware of how silent it went the instant he did. He didn't have to look up to see who sat on the couch. It was always the same on Sundays. Jeongin, Felix, Jisung, and Hyunjin played videogames on the couch while Chan, Minho, and Seungmin cooked and Changbin traveled between rooms until lunch was ready. It seemed that Chan had picked a convenient time to wake up because as the boys on the couch stared warily at him Changbin shouted from the kitchen that lunch was ready.
Silence was the only answer to his calls, everyone being far too focused on how to handle the situation than food. It was Felix who ended up speaking first.
"Hyung...? Are you gonna eat with us today?" The gentle way he asked left Chan feeling weird, almost weak. He didn't need to be talked to like a child. Chan opned his moth to say as much but sharply snapped it shut when he flashed back to how he'd reacted to Minho. He stuck to just sharply nodding to get his point across. No one else spoke and they all stood heading into the kitchen. Chan trailed hesitantly behind suddenly very scared to enter that room. He stopped short at the entrance to the kitchen feeling somehow as if he were intruding. A thought struck him, what if when Felix asked if he was joining he hadn't meant it as an invitation? What if when Minho had told them what he said they had all realized what an asshole he truely was and started hating him? Chan felt his breathing constrict and he took a step back. A voice in his head told him he was spiraling and that it was unhealthy but he couldn't seem to stop. He was aware of more eyes landing on him as they realized that he had awoken but all he could see were his cold, sockless feet and the old faded linoleum beneath them. He was so overwhelmed and tired and dehydrated he didn't have space in his brain to comprehend anything more. He felt his mind go blank and he found himself staring aimlessly at a little dot on the floor. He was snatched away from his near dissociative state when someone called his name. Or at least he thought it might be his name. Words sounded faded and he was fairly certain it was because of the loud ringing in his ears. After a little thought he was sure the voice was Seungmin's. He sensed the younger man approach and felt him reach out a hand to tilt Chan's head upward. His eyes met Seungmin's soft ones and Chan physically couldn't help the noise the came out of his throat at the love he saw there. The ringing stopped and he was able to pick out the last bit of the boys sentences.
"-hyung. C'mere, you need something to eat and a glass of water."
He was sat down at the table across from Changbin and between Hyunjin and Jeongin. Chan's eyes stayed glued to the table. He felt Hyunjin slide his hand up and down his back. The air in the room was tense but not particularly uncomfortable. Not everyone was looking at him anymore, no one avidly gauging his movements and responses. He was sitting with his memebers at the table in the warmth of familiar place and he wondered for a second why he was avoiding this. He was harshly reminded when Hyunjin handed him his plate instead of Minho who, usually giggling and cherry-cheeked, forced Chan to take it along with a playful kiss on the cheek. Yeah, Minho hated him now. It was just easier for Chan to avoid him so that he didn't do something stupid again like opening his mouth and speaking.
Chan quietly thanked Hyunjin and out of pure habit and nothing else stood to grab the apple juice out of the fridge to pour everyone a glass. He was pouring the last glass, his own, when he suddenly felt his legs give out. He dropped the liter of juice on the floor spilling it over the seven sets of feet beneath the table. He barely managed to catch himself against the bench that he and the three boys on his side of the table sat on. The noise that both he and the juice container made was loud enough to make the boys jump and a few shriek, but by the time any of them stood up Chan was already on the floor with paper towels. His arms shook and he was sure that even the miniscule movement of whiping up the juice would make him faint. Changbin, the only other person at the table who had fully saw what happened, was quite aware of the possibility too. He stood up quickly hurrying to bend down by his hyung.
"Channie hyung. Let me, you need to go sit down."
"M'okay, just need to finish-"
Chan was inturrupted by Changbin's fierce voice, "You are obviously not okay, and we all see it. You've probably slept about two hours in the past three days not counting today, and I know you haven't eaten any real food in just as long. And to be frank I'm too scared to ask when the last time you drank water was. So go sit on the couch and let me clean this."
At that Chan stopped mopping up the juice. He nodded going quiet once more and attempted to stand up to go sit on the couch. He was confused for a second when he stood as he felt Jeongin's arms gently guide him out into the living room. They sat down on the couch the rest of the members following them in a slow trickle until only Minho and Changbin were the only ones absent. Great, now they both hated him. Chan briefly wondered if his relationships with the others were salvageable.
"I'm sorry I got your socks wet."
"...what?" Asked Jisung.
"Your guys' socks. I spilled juice on them."
"Oh." was his reaponse. Then he started cackling. Felix and Hyunjin slapped his arms on each side simultaneously. But he didn't stop. At his ruckus both boys in the kitchen emerged. Everyone stared at him mostly with confusion, but Chan knew even in this state what was coming next. Which was why he extracted himself from the tangle of limbs he and Jeongin had formed to go sit by Jisung. Jisung's laughter had transitioned to a weird mix of hiccup crying. Chan reached out to grab his hand, but Jisung slapped it away; already overstimulated enough as it was. The little action to Jisung was necessary so that his break down didn't get worse, but to Chan, who relied on touch in situations like these, it felt like a slap to the face.
"Hannie, I'm sorry. I didn't-"
"Didn't what?! Didn't mean to run yourself into the ground? Didn't mean to ignore us for two whole days? Didn't mean to treat Min like shit? Didn't mean to come home at three a.m. everyday expecting us to not give a fuck? What, then you come home and fucking apologize for spilling apple juice on my socks?"
"I-I'm sorry, I didn't realize it would affect you like this."
It was Jeongin who spoke next, Jisung curled into Hyunjin still sniffling, "How could it not? We love you just as much as you love us. Not knowing where you were or if you'd been taking care of yourself or not was scary. Wouldn't you feel the same if it were me or one of the others?"
"Of course, but its different-"
"How? You matter just as much as we do. You're human, too, hyung." Felix argued.
"I know, just-"
"You have to let us help you, hyung. You almost fainted for fucks sake. What if we hadn't been there? What if that had happened in the studio and we didn't know for a whole day? Two days? We wouldn't be able to because of the stupid schedule you maganged to make that ensured that we literally couldn't ever see you." Changbin butt in.
Finally the room went silent and Chan's head dropped. Tears pricked behind his eyes. He squeezed them shut and sucked his tongue between his teeth in an attempt to stop them from rolling down his cheeks. It didn't work and he cursed at himself. Fucking worthless. He couldn't even keep from crying? How pathetic. He didn't even deserve to be their hyung. Chan squeezed his thigh so tight he felt bruises forming. He tightened his grip. He unconsciously sucked in a breath and held it. Maybe it was an attempt to not let out any of those noises. All he knew was that he wanted the stupid fucking feelings to go the fuck away. He wanted to wail as tears ran down his nose and dripped off to land on his hands. But he also hated the fact that he wanted to at the same time. God he was such a stupid fucking asshole. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupidstupidstupidstupid-
"Channie!" He was ripped from his thoughts and right then he realized he hadn't been breathing. He gasped in a large lungful of air and as he did he let out those pathetic sounds. He began to fully cry unaware of whose hands it was that pulled him in. He had no idea whose hands had buried themselves in his hair, only that he didn't want them to leave. He heard a voice in his ear too. He didn't know what their voice sounded like, not truely but he heard their words.
"It's okay Channie, we love you. You'll be okay." "No, Chan, you're okay, you're good. I've got you. You're safe." "No baby, we could never hate you." "Of course, Channie, I'll sit here with you. As long as you need."
Chan began to hear a trend in the words he was hearing. Had they been speaking to each other...was Chan speaking? As Chan started to calm down he heard himself speaking broken Korean and English, sometimes substituting in English for the words his brain didn't have the space to translate in this state.
"Im sorry for being bad. I didn't mean to I promise! I don't-I can't t-tell sometimes when I need help with things? It's almost like my body isnt mine? I-I can't tell when I'm running myself into the ground until it's too late? And then I can't stop. I always have just one more thing to do and then I'll finish that thing and I'll mindlessly continue working past that point until I realize I finished. But then I still can't s-stop because I need to finish that new task. Then suddenly it's night? And then I'll tell myself that I have o-one more hour. Then I have to go home because you all are probably worried. And then an hour turns into three then four and I'll only stop when I feel like I'm gonna collapse, because by that time my body physically cannot continue so I come home."
Chan had stopped crying by now but his mind was still foggy. He'd registered sometime during his rant that it was Minho holding him pressed against his chest. Chan wondered how bad Minho's collarbone must hurt from holding Chan there so long. Chhan knew his forehead hurt and he faintly recalled pressing pretty harshly into his shoulder when Minho had first pulled him in. Chan blinked the now cold tears from his lashes and shifted his head to the side so that his ear pressed to the sore spot on Minho's shoulder instead. He continued to talk this time more calm and collected.
"Sometimes...when I get interrupted while working I feel panic, like I'll never get it done even if I'm only stopped once. I feel like if I don't just keep working until it's all done I'll never get finished. I never meant to yell. I don't want you to go Minho. Want you to stay and tell me I'm okay because it never feels like it. I feel worthless and like a mess and I just wanna be good and do well but I can't ever seem to be good enough. I'm sorry, so sorry. Sorry to Bin and Jisungie, and Lix, and Seugmin and Jinnie, and Jeongin. Didn't mean to worry you."
He felt Minho nod and the man sigh, "I forgave you a long time ago Channie. You just worried me is all. I think though, that we really need to talk more about what to do when you get like this? Maybe if you don't like us coming and pointing it out to you, we could identify some of the signs that you see before you go down this road? I know we've dealt with this before, obviously not this bad, but it might help to stop it before it can take it's course."
Chan nodded against his chest suddenly feeling very tired and his thighs felt very sore. He remembered joltingly how hard he'd gripped them earlier. Right in front of them too. Chan moved his thighs and winced, wow that ached.
Chan looked down at his hands and recoiled with a gasp. His palms were torn up with little pieces of ripped skin sticking up. Nearly dried blood coated the stiff pieces of flesh and made the creases of his hands sticky. He saw little cresent marks on some places on his palms and from there he was fairly certain he knew what he'd done. His hands began to shake. He hadn't had an episode this bad in a very long time. He looked down at Minho's hand and almost vomited at the blood he saw there. And then pulled away to look down at Minho's shirt. There was blood there too.
"Oh, my god. I'm so sorry. I-I didn't know I was-did you stop me?" Something like anguish filled his voice.
"I did,' Minho said carefully, "Channie, we are going to have to talk a lot more about this but that can wait until tomorrow. I get the feeling that some other people want to talk to you. You can talk with them while I get bandages and stuff to clean you up with, yeah?"
Chan whispered out a small and vulnerable 'okay' to which Minho smiled softly and pressed a kiss to his furrowed brow. The furrow immediately loosened. Chan adjusted out of his awkward half on half off position on Minho's lap. Minho exited the living area and almost immediately Jisung was in his place. No part of his body touched Chan's and when their eyes met Chen felt his breathing constrict once again. Jisung's eyes were red and he looked wrecked. Chan so badly wanted to hold him.
Jisung spoke before Chan could get a word out, "Hyung...can I touch you?"
Chan's eyes went wide. Normally they didn't ask Chan if he wanted to be touched simply because Chan almost always wanted to be. He loved physical affection especially from Jisung and Felix the two biggest cuddlers. Chan nodded so fast it was almost embarrassing. Jisung carefully adjusted himself so that he was sprawled across Chan's lap. He was very careful of the bruises on his thighs and his torn up hands. He cuddled sweetly into Chan, who let out a sigh that seemed to drain any left over tension in his body. Chan hugged Jisung back somewhat awkwardly wary of his still bloody hands. Jisung seemed to notice.
"I don't care if your hands are bloody hyungie. You can hug me if you want.
"You sure Hannie?" Chan only got a nod in response. So he hugged him. Huh. It seemed Chan really couldn't stop crying today. Tears spilled down his cheeks silent and unbidden.
"I'm sorry Jisungie. I didn't mean to scare you. Hyung'll do better, promise." He whispered it into Jisung's ear, private in a way he knew Jisung really felt apologies.
"I know, hyung. I love you." Chan barely manages to choke it out back.
They stay like that for maybe a minute before Minho comes back and makes a discontent noise at the sight of Jisung's now bloody shirt. Jisung moves off of Chan to let Minho clean up his hands but is interrupted by Felix cutting in to cuddle Chan from behind and Changbin who demands to take care of Chan's other hand. Chan knows this is Changbin's way of telling Chan that despite his harsh words he still very much cares for him. He exchanges very brief and gruff 'I'm sorry's and 'I love you's with Changbin, but his quiet but still very audible conversation with Felix nearly leaves him in tears again. The process of cleaning and wrapping Chan's hands is a lot longer and a lot more pain inducing than he expects, so Hyunjin takes the liberties of bringing Chan food and water. The now black haired man had realized Chan still hadn't had said necessities because of the whole apple juice thing. Hyunjin began to hand feed and water(?) him seeing as his hands were occupied. Seungmin also turns on the TV to help distract Chan but he hangs back looking conflicted. Chan makes mental note to go and talk to him later in a more private place. Chan is abated a bit to see Jisung move to the other end of the couch to offer hugs to the man. Seungmin surprisingly concedes. Once Changbin and Minho are finished with Chan's hands he receives a hug from Hyunjin which is a little awkward with Felix still clinging to him but they laugh at it. This inevitably leads to Jisung joining, then a dog pile that has Chan comfortably sandwiched in he middle. The rest of the day is lazy and relaxed mostly except for the niggling thought of still having to talk to Seungmin. Chan gets his chance once dinner comes around. Jeongin, who Chan is positive knows of Chan's plans to talk to Seungmin alone, walks into the kitchen (a truely dangerous thing) and manages to drag out everyone but Chan and Seungmin out with him.
Chan knows immediately that this is going to be a little bit harder to fix than his apologies with Hyunjin or Felix. With Felix and Hyunjin things move fast because they are both very much like him. They solve things easy because they forgive easy. Seungmin has trust issues to put things simply. He wants to forgive but something always holds him back. This just means Chan needs to make sure to thoroughly get his point across. Chan watches the last person head into the kitchen and he gets up too. He sees something like panic flicker in Seungmin's eyes.
"Hyung!" His voice is hushed but breathless and a little shakey, "Can we t-talk?"
Chan hurriedly walks to Seungmin's side of the couch and sits down next to him. Opening his arms for the man to lean into. Seungmin, as previously stated, isn't a very touchy person but this was typical for how their deep talks went.
"Oh, Minnie. I wasn't going to leave you. I was just moving over to sit next to you. I'm sorry I gave you that impression, baby."
"I'm sorry, hyung." Seungmin said softly.
"Please don't feel like you need to apologize, Min. I should be the one apologizing. I have left you, Minnie. I did it for three days straight without regards to how you were feeling and that was wrong, baby. I recognize that. It won 't happen again. I'm gonna get better at that, I promise. I might need a little help sometimes. Maybe even a good slap on the cheek, but I'll try my hardest."
"Thank you, Channie hyung." It was silent for a bit and Chan knew what he was waiting for. Seungmin had always struggled with saying strong words or phrases like 'I love you' and 'I'm sorry'. He'd explained it as less of an 'I don't understand the meaning' thing and more of an 'I understand it too well'. Seungmin felt the emotion behind such words so strong sometimes it was hard not to choke the words out without feeling bare or humiliated or like he was going to cry. Chan quickly learned that it was best to just wait for the man to say it first so he didn't feel pressured. So they continued watching the show and Chan just calmly pet and ran his fingers through Seungmin's hair. The I love you was random and rushed and just as breathless as his little desperate sentance had been earlier. All Chan had said in response was: "I know, baby. I love you so much too." And Seungmin did actually cry.
Dinner ended up taking longer thsn usual because Jeongin had burned the chicken. He was therefore playfully (half seriously) banned from the kitchen. He joined Chan and Seungmin in the living room and gleefully commandeered the TV for a competetive round of Mario Bros. with Seungmin. They all took turns but Seungmin was eventually stolen from them, for his wonderful culinary prowess was needed. Changbin left the other two alone his excuse being that they were menaces but Chan knew he just had a soft spot (well Jeongin was a menace but the statement was still true).
Chan had given up his controller in favor of watching the youngest play. Chan wasn't surprised that he was pretty damn good. His thoughts, however, clung mostly to how he was going to apologize. Jeongin was a wild card his mood changed often, so Chan was uncertain how to approach the topic. His problem was solved within a minute if him thinking.
"You know, I can understand why you did it. The whole isolation thing? I get like that too sometimes. I feel like everything is just...pointless. You spiral, unaware it's happening sometimes. And by the time you hit rock bottom you just can't make the move to climb up again." Jeongin continued playing his game with an air of nonchalance, "You have no motivation to fix it so you distract yourself. Work, burnout, collpase, rinse, repeat. I get it hyung. I-I'm not good at listening to my body either. I think the pain and exhaustion is normal until it gets so bad that I just can't function anymore. Then I realize something's wrong. That however doesn't mean its healthy. " Jeongin pauses his game to look Chan straight in his eyes, "I love you hyung. And I don't like watching you burn out. We can help each other out right? When I see you start to burnout I help you and vice versa?'
Chan felt his chest ache with fondness for the maknae. "Yeah, Jeongin. That sounds good. God, when did my little brother get so wise? That's my job! " Chan chuckled fondly and shifted closer to sling his arm around the maknaes shoulder. Jeongin turned pink and pressed play on his game.
"I looooove you!!!" Chan cooed.
"I'm ignoring you now."
Chan heard laughter from the kitchen in response to their conversation and he smiled so wide his cheeks hurt. Yeah, even if he was a little dumb sometimes, Chan loved his family.