Archive of Our Own ^beta

Wei Ying swung himself around the door and into the shop, Ju Yang. He waved at Wen Ning, who was behind the counter. Wei Ying made sure that the door closed properly; he had once found a customer trying to climb up to his apartment, thinking it was part of the shop, despite the clear signs.

“Hey Ningning.” Wei Ying called out across the floor. A few people who were browsing looked up, then away. Some people shopping in a sex shop aimed primarily at queer people didn’t want to make eye contact. Wei Ying always respected that. Not everyone was out yet, and plenty who were out were still uncomfortable with their needs and wants.

Wei Ying wove confidently through the displays. It had been years since he had inadvertently knocked anything over, but the memory of Wen Ning’s neatly arranged butt plugs bouncing all over the floor and rolling off in random directions still made him laugh. It also made him extra careful.

“Morning A-Yu.” Wen Ning smiled at him, giving a little wave. He put down his book, face down, and Wei Ying had a twinge as Auntie Yu’s voice in his head yelled You don’t put down books like that. You care for the things that we buy for you, ungrateful boy.

Wei Ying ignored the voice and said nothing about the book to Wen Ning. It always felt like a bit of a victory when he was able to disregard the things that Auntie Yu had shouted at him about.

He poked at the condoms in the large bowl of free ones that Wen Ning left at the end of the counter. Wen Ning slapped at his hand and Wei Ying stuck his tongue out, then leaned his elbows on the counter, sprawling out.

“Whatcha reading?”

Wen Ning smiled indulgently; he was the best.

Wen Ning told Wei Ying about the book - it was one that examined queer cultural literature, art and films in China from 1976 to present. Wen Ning was interested in it because it addressed fanfiction as a valid form of writing, something he was passionate about. He still wouldn’t let Wei Ying read anything that he had posted online, though, despite Wei Ying having spent years begging.

Wen Ning knew better than to offer Wei Ying a chance to read the book himself. Wei Ying loved the topics, loved queer Chinese cultural analysis, but the books always seemed dry. He much preferred Wen Ning reading them, and then telling Wei Ying about the best bits. Wen Ning also liked it; he claimed it helped him understand the topics more thoroughly. When Wei Ying had still worked in the shop, they had often spent much of their overlapping shifts debating various queer theories. It was something Wei Ying missed, but it was easy enough to pop down and hang out like this. The occasional tinkle of the bell over the door, and serving customers, punctuated their discussion. One or two regulars would even join in, or ask questions.

When their discussion of the book wound down, Wen Ning asked about the party planning.

“Fine, fine.” Wei Ying waved his hand. He knew that if Wen Ning thought for even a second that he needed anything, he would insist on helping. He was too nice for his own good. “I just have to pick up the snacks from Fenfang, and we’re good to go.” He stood up and thrust his fists triumphantly into the air. “Then it’s party time!”

Wen Ning laughed, and Wei Ying grinned at him.

“Wei Ying?”

The voice cut through years of Wei Ying’s life and made his blood chill.

“Wei Ying? Oh my god, it is you!”

Wei Ying swallowed and turned.

Nie Huaisang was standing at one of the displays, a bright, neon pink dildo forgotten in his hands.

“Uh-“ Wei Ying didn’t get a chance to say anything more.

“I can’t believe you’re here!” Nie Huaisang thrust the dildo back onto the shelf. “This is,” he shook his head, “unbelievable. No one will believe me!”

That knocked Wei Ying out of his shock. “Oh, Huaisang, you can’t tell anyone I’m here.” He reached out and grabbed Nie Huaisang’s arm, holding it tight. “Please, you can’t.”

Nie Huaisang looked at him, eyes wide. “But...no one knows where-“

“Huaisang, you have to promise me. Please. You can’t tell anyone where I am.” Wei Ying gripped Nie Huaisang’s arm tighter, flushed with panicked adrenaline. “Please.” He swallowed. “If you tell anyone, I’ll have to move again, I’ll have to go.“ Wei Ying felt sick at the thought. Of losing everyone he cared about again. He didn’t think he could do it all a second time - dropping everything, finding a new place to live in a new city, a new name. Finding new friends, losing the business he had worked so hard to get off the ground. His throat felt thick with the horror of it.

“Okay, Wei Ying.” Nie Huaisang’s voice was low, reassuring. “Calm down.” He patted Wei Ying’s hand. “I won’t tell anyone.”

“Promise?” Wei Ying rasped out.

Nie Huaisang nodded and held up three fingers. “I promise.”

Wei Ying let a shaky breath out and finally let go of Nie Huaisang’s arm. He dragged a hand across his face, scrubbing away the fear of discovery that he hadn’t felt in so long. He had become complacent in recent years, forgetting that the risk of being spotted was still there, despite years of quiet.

“A-Yu, is everything okay?” Wen Ning’s quiet voice. Wei Ying threw him a grateful look and a smile that, if Wen Ning’s face was to be believed, did not reassure.

“‘A-Yu’?” Nie Huaisang’s eyebrows were raised again. Wei Ying knew he had to get the two parts of his life, past and present, away from each other.

“Come on.” He grabbed Nie Huaisang’s arm again and pulled him out of the shop.

“Hey!” Nie Huaisang protested as the bell over the door jangled. “I wanted to buy some things!”

“You can go somewhere else, then,” Wei Ying bit out. He didn’t have time for this, but he knew Nie Huaisang. Or, had known him. He would not be content with a brush off.

Wei Ying made Nie Huaisang follow him out of the alley that Ju Yang was in, and onto the main street. He passed his usual coffee shop, and pulled Nie Huaisang into the terrible one further down the street and around the corner. He would have to apologise to Fenfang later.

Nie Huaisang huffed as he sat down at a table and stared up at Wei Ying. “Wei-xiong, what a strong grip you have!” He rubbed his wrist.

Wei Ying ignored him and went over to the counter, picking up two bottled waters and paying for them. He placed one in front of Nie Huaisang, then sat down at the table clutching his own.

“Okay.” Wei Ying felt like he was slightly safer now. Not safe, never that. He should have remembered.

Nie Huaisang looked at him for a few moments, like he was trying to figure something out. “You disappeared.”

Wei Ying nodded. “I did.”

More staring. Wei Ying had expected a roll of questions as soon as he paused, but Nie Huaisang just seemed to be looking at him with a calculating gaze. “I’m assuming that you had a good reason to?”

Wei Ying swallowed, then nodded. “I did.”

“And you won’t tell me.” It was a statement, not a question.

“I can’t, A-Sang.” Wei Ying wanted to run. He curbed the urge.

Nie Huaisang looked at him some more, tilted his head, then nodded once. “Okay, I believe you.” He picked up his water and twisted off the cap, taking a swig.

“You won’t tell anyone you saw me?” Wei Ying checked again.

Nie Huaisang frowned, swallowing his mouthful of water. “I already promised I wouldn’t.” He sounded petulant, but Wei Ying glared anyway. “Of course I won’t. I won’t tell anyone where you are, not if you don’t want me to.”

“Or even that you saw me,” Wei Ying pushed.

Nie Huaisang rolled his eyes. “Or even that I saw you.” He looked at Wei Ying, assessing. “You say you had a good reason for making everyone worry. For making your sister and brother worry.”

Wei Ying licked his lips and looked away. Most days he could push away thoughts of the pain he’d had to cause. It wasn’t a welcome reminder.

“That was better than the alternative.”

Nie Huaisang pursed his lips, but didn’t ask for reasons again. They sat in silence for a long moment. Wei Ying just wanted Nie Huaisang to leave. Seeing him made it too tempting to ask about everyone.

How was Jiejie? Jiang Cheng? Was Lan Zhan married now, happily settled down with someone he deserved? Two or three baby Lans making their Baba happy?

The thought of any answers made him sick with bittersweet desire. He couldn't ask. He couldn’t know.

Rather than leave, Nie Huaisang started to talk about why he was in the city. Wei Ying was only half listening; it was something to do with his brother’s business? He didn’t care, really. Knowing anything made him yearn to know everything. But Nie Huaisang was a good storyteller. He always had been. His story of a trip fraught with small mishaps had Wei Ying laughing despite himself.

Another story of some business dealings wound to a close, and Wei Ying was ready to get up and leave, when Nie Huaisang piped up. “Oh! It’s your birthday, right?” Wei Ying nodded. “Sorry, I forgot. Do you have any birthday plans?”

Wei Ying hesitated to answer, but just a few details couldn’t hurt. “I’m having a small party at my apartment. For friends.”

Nie Huaisang beamed at him. “Oh, that’s great! I’d love to come!”

Wei Ying blinked. “What?”

“You said friends.” Nie Huaisang pointed at himself. “I’m a friend.”

“Huaisang-“ Wei Ying started, but Nie Huaisang cut him off.

“So kind to offer your old friend something to do on his only night in a strange city. Your friend who hasn’t seen you in ten years.” Nie Huaisang was smiling.

Wei Ying sighed. “Fine.” Nie Huaisang’s smile deepened into a grin. Wei Ying pointed at him. “But no talking to my friends about my past, or asking them about my life or anything like that.” Nie Huaisang held up three fingers again and tried to school his features into innocence. Wei Ying sighed again. “And call me A-Yu, not Wei Ying.”

“Is that your name here?”

Wei Ying nodded. “I’m not telling you my full name, though.”

Nie Huaisang’s smile turned wry. “So, where’s this party?”

Wei Ying’s apartment looked amazing. Despite it being essentially one large room - the bathroom was the only part that was separate - Wei Ying loved the space. When he had first moved in it was still the dingy apartment that no one had lived in for years above Wen Ning’s sex shop. Moving in had been a kind of favour - he would be nearby in case there were issues with the shop, and in return he would pay low enough rent that he could actually afford it.

Though he now had enough money to rent somewhere nicer, Wei Ying didn’t want to move. He had used meager funds over the years to make the space lively and inviting. He had taken advantage of post-New Year sales on fairy lights to get cheap sets, and decorated in such a way that the place was always softly lit, regardless of only having tiny windows that let in little natural light. He had also painted everywhere: some plain colours, but much of it his own murals. The apartment now felt like an extension of his own mind. His space. Home.

For tonight, Wei Ying had added Halloween decorations. There was enough space to have a pretty big party, but he liked the quieter ones, without too many people over. It was a tradition now. They dressed up, drank wine, and celebrated Wei Ying’s birthday.

As people started arriving, Wei Ying took Wen Ning aside.

“Hey A-Ning. Um, I thought maybe I should explain…”

Wen Ning held up his hands. “No, no need!” He was smiling in that Wen Ning way, kind and decent, just like the day they had met.

Wei Ying rubbed the back of his neck. “Okay, but-”

Wen Ning cut him off. “A-Yu, it’s not like we didn’t know you wanted to keep your past private.” He gripped Wei Ying’s arm and tugged it away from his neck. “A past you were trying to get away from. But that’s your business.” He patted Wei Ying’s arm. “I know everything I need to about you. If you ever wanted to share, I’d be happy to listen, but ‘Wei Ying’ or ‘Mo Xuanyu’, you’re still you.”

Wei Ying felt like he might cry. He pulled Wen Ning into a bear hug, swallowing thickly. “You’re the best, Ningning.” Wen Ning laughed.

“Hey, don’t I get any of this love?” Wen Qing’s sharp voice cut from behind him, and Wei Ying turned. He dragged her into the hug. She made a show of resisting, then laughed, ruffling his and Wen Ning’s hair.

“You have the best brother, Qing-jie,” Wei Ying announced. Wen Qing gave him a look which communicated that she was fully aware of that fact. Wei Ying’s grin slipped slightly when he saw Nie Huaisang approaching.

“Hello! What a pleasure to meet ‘A-Yu’s’ other friends.” Wei Ying could hear the slightly stressed use of his name, even if others wouldn’t. He shot a look at Nie Huaisang, but he had his innocent-looking eyes on the Wen siblings.

Wen Qing turned a pointed look at Wei Ying, eyebrows raised. He sighed. “Wen Qing, Wen Ning, this is Nie Huaisang. I…” Wei Ying stumbled over how to explain him. “I used to know him.”

Wen Ning nodded, but Wen Qing’s eyes widened. “Oh really?” She looked intrigued, and Wei Ying felt a stab of fear until he heard Wen Ning’s low “Jiejie”. Wen Qing smiled wryly. “Nice to meet you, Nie Huaisang.”

Nie Huaisang nodded happily. “I’m sorry, I won’t remember anyone’s names. But can I get any of you a drink?”

Wei Ying mostly lost track of Nie Huaisang after that.

He was the birthday boy and knew all of the guests, so he made sure to circulate and talk to everyone. It was a nice mix of friends from the local area, friends he’d made through the queer scene, and people from work - both the old job in Ju Yang, and the new business.

Wei Ying felt his usual blend of feelings when having all of his friends and family together like this. The joy at having these people in his life, mingled with the always-present worry that he would lose it again. Be forced to leave and not look back. Having Nie Huaisang there was definitely making that fear worse.

He tried to push the thoughts away, instead plunging into drinks and conversation. Too many drinks, really. He usually paced himself, enjoying that buzz, without ever tipping over into drunk, but as the evening wore on he realised that he’d maybe gone too fast. Things were starting to spin. He stumbled to the bathroom to splash some water on his face.

Looking at his own face in the mirror, Wei Ying sighed. He was a mess. Why today? Why had Nie Huaisang turned up now, of all times?

As though thinking about him had called him forth, Wei Ying heard Nie Huaisang introducing himself to someone. He edged closer to the bathroom door and listened, cracking the door open to hear better.

“You used to know Xuanyu?” It was Li Donghai.

“I did, back in the day,” Nie Huaisang said.

“Oh cool! What was he like?” Wei Ying held his breath and edged closer to the gap.

Nie Huaisang laughed. “Pretty much the same as he is now!” They both chuckled, and Wei Ying wondered what that meant. “Enough about the past, though. You work with Xuanyu?”

Wei Ying fazed out on the conversation slightly as Li Donghai explained their fledgling green architecture business to Nie Huaisang. He thought about how Nie Huaisang now knew more than ‘A-Yu’, which could have been shortened from anything. Urgh, Nie Huaisang was too good at getting people to talk to him.

Without thinking, Wei Ying leaned against the door and it flung open, making him stagger out of the bathroom, and practically into Nie Huaisang and Li Donghai. Nie Huaisang put up a hand to balance him, stopping Wei Ying from falling over.

“Xuanyu!” Li Donghai was laughing. “I was just telling your friend about our search for investors.”

Wei Ying gripped Nie Huaisang’s shoulder until he was stable on his feet and scowled. “A-Sang doesn’t want to invest in the company.”

Nie Huaisang patted his shoulder. “I might do, it sounds like a very interesting and potentially lucrative venture.” Wei Ying scowled at him more and Nie Huaisang’s smile slipped. “Ahhhh, well, actually maybe it wouldn‘t be the best idea. Da-ge might object.”

Li Donghai looked on with puzzled interest, but Wei Ying turned away and went to find another drink.

The party continued around him.

“So I saw this film once.”

Wei Ying, sprawled out on the sofa, peered blearily up at Nie Huaisang, who was now standing in the middle of the room. Everyone was drunk and tired. Most people had already left, but Nie Huaisang seemed to have the energy of ten, just like when they were younger.

No one replied, but Nie Huaisang went on. “Well, okay, so I didn’t see the whole film, just the trailer.” He waved this off like it wasn’t important. “In it a group of people all dared each other to call the love of their life and tell them.”

“Tell them what?” Wen Ning was upside down on the sofa, head hanging off with his hair brushing the floor. He claimed that the blood rush to the head helped with hangovers.

Nie Huaisang pointed at Wen Ning. “I’m glad you asked, Sex Shop Man.”

Nie Huaisang had claimed that he would not remember everyone’s names when Wei Ying introduced them, but he hadn’t realised that Nie Huaisang would instead make up his own for everyone, based upon things he learned about them. Annoyingly, most people had found it amusing, though Wen Qing had punched him in the arm every time Nie Huaisang had called her ‘Hot Doctor’.

“You tell them that they were the love of your life,” Nie Huaisang said.

Wei Ying had lost track of what they were talking about. “What?”

Nie Huaisang sighed. “You call the person, and you tell them that they were the love of your life.”

Wei Ying fleetingly pictured Lan Zhan, sitting with his perfect posture, while Wei Ying lounged next to him. He shook the thought away. “Why would we do that?”

“For fun!” Nie Huaisang looked gleeful.

Wei Ying raised an eyebrow and pointed at Nie Huaisang. “Fun for you.”

Nie Huaisang’s grin was shark-like. “Yep!”

“Not happening.” Wei Ying slouched back on the sofa. “No one is that stupid.”

Li Donghai put his hand in the air. “I’m that stupid.”

Wei Ying glowered at him, but Nie Huaisang laughed and clapped Li Donghai on the shoulder. “Yes! Thank you, Works-With-Xuanyu!”

Li Donghai pulled out his phone. Wei Ying sat forward, and Wen Ning swung around to sit upright. Was he really going to do it?

“On speakerphone,” Nie Huaisang said, when Li Donghai started to dial.

The ring tone blared out, distorted slightly by the tinny speakerphone. Wei Ying held his breath, sharing a dubious look with Wen Ning.

“Hello?” A sleepy woman’s voice came out of the phone. Wei Ying laughed when he recognised it.

“Sorry to wake you, Baobei, but I needed to call you and tell you that you’re the love of my life.” Li Donghai sounded like he was trying not to laugh.

Wang Hong huffed a laugh down the line. “Idiot. When are you coming home?”

“Soon, soon,” he reassured. “Love you.”

“Love you too, drunken fool.”

The line disconnected to general laughter. Nie Huaisang looked a little confused.

“His wife,” Wei Ying explained.

Nie Huaisang looked at Li Donghai like he had cheated. Li Donghai held up his hands. “What? She’s the love of my life!”

Nie Huaisang pulled a face, but Wen Ning spoke up. “It’s romantic. You should think that she’s the love of your life.”

There was a minor argument over whether it was romantic or sad. Li Donghai grinned and explained that if loving his wife the most was sad, he was happy to be.

Nie Huaisang brought them back to his game when he raised his voice. “Who’s next, then?” His eyes swung straight to Wei Ying.

“No.” Wei Ying was firm. Nie Huaisang pleaded with him, but Wei Ying didn’t budge. He couldn’t do it. Even while drunk he knew that he wanted to talk to Lan Zhan too much. He had learned to stop himself from reaching for things that he wanted this badly.

It had been a hard lesson, but necessary in the long run.

Nie Huaisang seemed to realise that his pleading and begging wouldn’t work. He narrowed his eyes and picked up Wei Ying’s notepad from the coffee table. He pulled a pen out of an inner pocket and wrote something, signing it with a flourish.

He held out the note so that Wei Ying could see it. “How about if I invest in your business?”

It was a signed agreement for Nie Huaisang to invest in Wei Ying’s firm, an amount that would take them from just managing to very comfortable in one fell swoop. He could hire another person and take on that contract he’d had to turn down. Wei Ying stared at the note, then at Nie Huaisang. His mouth opened, then closed again. He reached out to take the paper, but Nie Huaisang shook his head.

“First, you call.” He pointed at Wei Ying’s phone.

Wei Ying picked up his phone and almost cradled it. Of course he had Lan Zhan’s number in there. He had all of the numbers that he’d been able to memorise when he left. He couldn’t know if any of them were still right, but he transferred them faithfully every time he changed phones.

“If you call, you get half of this.” Nie Huaisang held up the paper. “If you talk to him, you get the other half.” He paused, clearly going for dramatic effect. “And if you confess, I add a zero to the end.”

Wei Ying licked his lips. His mouth felt dry, and his hands were shaking. The thrum of alcohol through his veins was rich, making his mind swim. If he called, just called, just heard Lan Zhan’s voice. That would be enough? Half of the money would still be a lot. Lan Zhan would never have to know it was him.

Looking at Nie Huaisang, Wei Ying scrolled to Lan Zhan’s number. Then he looked back down at his phone, took a deep breath and pressed the call button. Nie Huaisang mouthed ’speakerphone’ so Wei Ying thumbed it on and held the phone out.

Maybe Lan Zhan wouldn’t answer. It was past midnight, and Lan Zhan always went to bed so early. Or he had. He used to. Maybe he didn’t anymore. Lan Zhan was a different person now. Maybe he stayed up late with his wife, with his kids.

“Hello?”

Wei Ying almost dropped the phone in shock. Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan. It was him, his voice. Unmistakable. Wei Ying hadn’t heard it in ten years, but it didn’t matter. One word and he knew him.

“Hello?”

Lan Zhan sounded sleepy and confused. Wei Ying had clearly woken him up. He felt bad for that. Waking Lan Zhan for no purpose other than to hang up again? That was wrong, right? Wei Ying shook his head, wishing he was sober. It felt like he kept blinking for too long when he moved his head.

“I cannot hear you if you can hear me. Please try again if it’s urgent.” Lan Zhan left a pause and Wei Ying could hear his soft breaths. “I am going to hang up now.”

“Lan Zhan.” The words were out before Wei Ying even consciously registered that he was going to say them. He didn’t want Lan Zhan to hang up and have been woken for nothing. He wanted to keep hearing that voice, the one that he had thought he had forgotten.

“Wei Ying? Wei Ying?” Lan Zhan sounded suddenly extremely awake, and frantic, something Wei Ying had never heard from him before. “Wei Ying, where are you? Are you okay?” Lan Zhan’s breathing was coming heavily, panicked. Wei Ying felt a rush of adrenaline coursing through him in response. Why was he doing this? To himself? To Lan Zhan?

Wei Ying looked up, but no one was looking at him. They were looking at the phone, like they could see Lan Zhan through it.

“Wei Ying?” Lan Zhan sounded even more frantic now, like he thought Wei Ying might be gone.

“I’m here, Lan Zhan.” Wei Ying’s hands were shaking so hard that he put the phone down on his knees, and scrubbed a hand across his face. “I’m okay.”

“Where are you? Wei Ying, where have you been?”

Wei Ying laughed, bitter and too drunk to cope. “I can’t tell you that.”

“Why not? I can help you, Wei Ying. Please let me help you.”

Wei Ying looked up and caught Nie Huaisang’s eyes. There wasn’t the same humour there now; Nie Huaisang looked almost as sick as Wei Ying felt.

He knew that he had to wrap up the call. This was too much. But what could he say to Lan Zhan? Hi - I just called to remind you that I ran away ten years ago, to stir up old pain! Hope your life is good without me!

But there was something he could say. Something that probably wouldn’t mean anything to Lan Zhan, but would make a difference to Wei Ying and his employees. To people who depended on him. That could maybe make Nie Huaisang pay for putting him and Lan Zhan through this. Which would help pay for Wei Ying changing his phone number again.

“I can’t stay on long, Lan Zhan. I just-“ He swallowed. “I wanted to tell you that you were the love of my life.”

Before Lan Zhan could react Wei Ying reached out and disconnected the call. He buried his face in his hands, shaking. A hand pressed against his shoulder - Wen Ning - and patted his back.

Still sitting on his knees, Wei Ying’s phone started to buzz. Lan Zhan’s name flashed up. Wei Ying put it on the coffee table. Everyone looked at the phone, then at him.

Wei Ying tried to laugh. “Fun party, right?” He sounded too bitter even to his own ears.

Zhang Liwei and Wang Qianfan made their excuses to leave. Both of them hugged Wei Ying as they left, but they were cautious hugs, like they thought they might break him. Wei Ying wondered if they might. The rest also took it as their cues to leave.

Wen Ning looked at Nie Huaisang pointedly until Nie Huaisang coughed and said he needed to be up early in the morning. Wei Ying had seen him look at Wei Ying’s phone, but hadn’t registered why until Nie Huaisang told him that he had sent the funds to him through WeChat. He must have got Wei Ying’s WeChat details off his phone. Something else that Wei Ying would have to change now.

On the table Wei Ying’s phone started buzzing again. When it stopped Wei Ying could see the notification of four missed calls from Lan Zhan. He opened it and tabbed to his wallet to check his funds. There it was. More money than he had ever seen. Ten times the amount he needed to keep the business running. Enough to invest in better equipment, and maybe even to start the expansion plans he hadn’t thought he would be able to for at least five years. And all he’d had to do was tear his heart out in front of his friends, and cause pain to someone who didn’t deserve it.

Wen Ning’s hand was on his back again, stroking. Wei Ying blinked. “Is Nie Huaisang gone?” Wen Ning nodded. Wei Ying nodded back. “We should get some sleep.” Wen Ning had planned to crash on his couch. It made sense if he was going to be here late and drinking, with the need to open the shop the next day.

“A-Yu, do you want to talk about it?” He was still stroking Wei Ying’s back. He didn’t deserve such a good person around him.

Wei Ying laughed bitterly. “A-Ning, you’re too nice. You know that isn’t my name.”

“It’s the name you gave me. It doesn’t matter why. It’s who you are to me.” Wei Ying shook his head. “A-Yu, did you have a reason to give me a different name?”

Wei Ying looked up at Wen Ning, whose face was clear and earnest. “Yes.”

Wen Ning shrugged. “Then that’s good enough for me.” He smiled at Wei Ying. “We always knew that there was a lot that you left behind. But it doesn’t change who you are, right now, not to me.”

On the table Wei Ying’s phone started buzzing again. Wei Ying pressed to send it to voicemail and closed his eyes. The room swam around him, but he let the nausea come.

Wei Ying swung himself out onto the roof and perched in his usual spot. He was still feeling a little hungover, but the physical pain wasn’t what was bothering him.

Lan Zhan.

Last night he had spoken to Lan Zhan.

Despite how drunk he had been, Wei Ying could still hear Lan Zhan’s deep voice in his head. The rough inflection. The catches in his voice.

The pain.

Because Wei Ying had left. Disappeared. Had never said goodbye, or even written afterwards to let Lan Zhan know that he was okay. Of course there had been pain and panic in Lan Zhan’s voice. How could there be otherwise? Someone who said they were his friend, someone who said that they cared for him, that person left and never looked back. Never said a word. How could he ever reach out now? What he had done - what he was still doing - was unforgivable. What kind of person could do those things?

What kind of person then called that old friend while drunk, to win a bet? To win some money? Auntie Yu was right: he was an awful person.

Wei Ying looked back down at the text.

Lan Zhan
Good morning Wei Ying. May I please call you this evening? I would like to talk.

He was going to have to change his number again. Wei Ying closed his eyes. It had been five years since he’d had to do that. Since the last time Jiang Cheng had…

Wei Ying let his phone fall into his lap.

The worst part was when he wondered if he’d really had to leave at all. Fine, he couldn’t have stayed in the Jiang house anymore, but could he maybe have remained in Beijing? Found a job there? A small place to stay? Reached out to Yanli and Jiang Cheng separately? Would Auntie Yu really have gone through with her threats?

He couldn’t think that way. He felt sick at the thought. Everything he’d gone through, the sacrifices he’d made, leaving everyone behind… that couldn’t be for nothing.

Wei Ying pushed the speculations away. He was well practiced at it now. Even if he could have made different choices, he hadn’t. He had chosen to disappear and not look back. What kind of person did that make him? Someone who they were better off without. He knew exactly what Jiang Yanli and Jiang Cheng would say if they found out why he left. The same things they would have said if he’d gone to them that night. That they didn’t care what their mum did. That they would stay in touch regardless. Wei Ying had been left to make the tough decision for them.

And wouldn’t they hate him for that?

That was the thing that hurt Wei Ying most. Why would they ever want to talk to him again, when he was the kind of person who disappeared like that?

And really, hadn’t Wei Ying leaving likely made their lives easier anyway? He had always been the catalyst for fights in the Jiang household. Jiang Yanli getting into trouble for looking after him, coddling him. Jiang Cheng being compared to him, used as a pawn in arguments between Auntie Yu and Uncle Jiang. And the fights. Every fight he had ever heard in their house had placed Wei Ying at its centre. Remove him, and the problem was gone. Everyone had probably been happy that he wasn’t there causing trouble, even if they wouldn’t say it.

His phone buzzed again, and Wei Ying looked without thinking.

Lan Zhan
Please respond Wei Ying. I would just like to hear your voice and know that you are well. I will not ask you to share any information that you are not comfortable with.

Wei Ying looked at the message. He wanted to talk to Lan Zhan so much. His whole being wanted to reach out to Lan Zhan. To hear his voice.

But that was dangerous. He couldn’t trust his own desires, they would betray him. He’d had ten years to try and deny them; he would have thought that they’d have died down by now. He would have to change his number.

But he didn’t want to.

It was so unfair. Why couldn’t he have this? Why couldn’t he have Lan Zhan texting him? Who would know? Maybe he could talk to Lan Zhan once? Just once, and ask him not to share Wei Ying’s number, or to tell anyone that he had been in touch. Lan Zhan was always so good, so trustworthy. Wei Ying could trust him, right?

Then could he keep his number. Maybe even sometimes text with Lan Zhan?

Wei Ying felt himself shaking with adrenaline at just the thought, but something about this marking almost ten years since he left made him feel rebellious. Auntie Yu would never know. And if she did…

Wei Ying cut off that line of thought. No, Lan Zhan wouldn’t tell her. She wouldn’t know. Maybe he could have this one, small thing.

Hands shaking, Wei Ying typed out a text.

Wei Ying
Hi Lan Zhan. If you call me at 7pm Beijing time I will answer.

He sent it before he could stop himself. The reply came almost instantaneously.

Lan Zhan
I will call. Thank you, Wei Ying.

At 6:30pm Wei Ying almost messaged Lan Zhan to back out of the call. He grabbed a beer and sat on the sofa. At 6:55pm Wei Ying thought that he might just not answer. He felt like he wasn’t actually in his own body, instead floating near the ceiling. He popped the headphones for his phone into his ears. He wanted to be able to fiddle.

At 7 pm on the dot his phone vibrated with the incoming call.

Lan Zhan.

Wei Ying took a deep breath and answered. “Hello, Lan Zhan.”

“Wei Ying.” There was a pause, and then Lan Zhan’s voice came again, sounding thicker. “Thank you for answering.”

Wei Ying gripped his hands together in his lap and rubbed his thumbs back and forth over the top. “Yeah. It’s the least I owed you after last night.” He swallowed. “I’m really sorry about waking you like that. It was-“ he didn’t want to tell Lan Zhan that it had been a dare or a bet. That made it sound so much worse. “Well, I was drunk.”

“It was your birthday,” Lan Zhan said, as though that fully explained it.

It surprised a laugh out of Wei Ying. “You remembered?”

There was a silence long enough for Wei Ying to worry, before Lan Zhan spoke, low and tight. “Of course I remembered.”

Wei Ying felt like a shit. This had been such a bad idea. Why was he putting Lan Zhan through this?

“I’m sorry, Lan Zhan. I really am. I shouldn’t have called, I shouldn’t have woken you up, I shouldn’t have” - he waved a hand in frustration - “dragged this all back up for you.” He huffed an unamused laugh. “An unwanted blast from the past.”

“Wei Ying.” Another pause. Wei Ying wished he could see Lan Zhan’s face. He had never been the most expressive, but Wei Ying had learned to read him pretty well. “I will always want to hear from you.” Wei Ying didn’t know what to say. His heart clenched and he tried to stop feeling like he might cry just to hear it. “Wei Ying?”

“Mmmm, yes, Lan Zhan, I’m still here.” He felt like Lan Zhan was saying his name a lot. But then he was saying Lan Zhan’s. It felt like...a reminder. A reassurance. That it was really him.

“Are you...well?” Lan Zhan asked.

“Yeah, Lan Zhan, I’m well.” He laughed. “I mean, apart from being embarrassed and terrified.”

“Terrified?” Had Lan Zhan’s voice always been this easy to read?

“Um, yeah. I have to ask, Lan Zhan. Can you please not tell anyone that you’ve heard from me? And promise me you won’t give anyone my number?” He sat forward and picked up his beer, taking a swig and placing it back down with a click. Wen Qing would yell at him for not using a coaster.

There was a pause before Lan Zhan responded. “I will not give out your number if you do not wish it, Wei Ying. However, I have already advised some people that I heard from you, so I’m afraid I cannot promise you that.”

Wei Ying felt sick. Of god, who had Lan Zhan told? Did Auntie Yu know? Should he hang up now?

“Who did you tell, Lan Zhan?” Even to his own ears Wei Ying knew he sounded raw and distressed.

“I told Jiang Yanli and Jiang Cheng.” Wei Ying pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his head on them, breathing heavily. “We made a promise to each other when you disappeared that if any of the three of us heard from you, or found out any information about you, we would share it immediately with the others.”

“Oh god.” Wei Ying couldn’t help the exclamation. “Did you give them my number?”

“No.”

Wei Ying was too relieved to think about asking Lan Zhan why. He could easily have sent it with the notification that Wei Ying had called. “And you won’t?”

“Mn,” Lan Zhan agreed. “Not unless you give me permission.”

The next question fluttered deep in Wei Ying’s stomach. “Will they…” his voice croaked to a stop, mouth dry. He swigged another mouthful of beer. “Will they tell anyone else?” Would they tell Auntie Yu. Oh fuck. Would she know that Wei Ying broke his promise?

“No, they will not.” Wei Ying felt a dizzy relief. “We do not discuss our ongoing search for you with anyone else. They may advise their partners, but no one else.”

Their partners. Wei Ying knew that Yanli had married the peacock, but he hadn’t known that Jiang Cheng was seeing anyone. He also noticed an omission from Lan Zhan.

“Won’t you tell your partner?”

There was a very pointed silence that Wei Ying didn’t know how to read, before Lan Zhan finally spoke again. “I do not have a partner.”

“Oh, um. Well, that’s fine. Lots of people don’t. I don’t.” Wei Ying knew he was rambling, but as he did his brain threw him back to something Lan Zhan had said before. “Hang on, wait. Lan Zhan, you guys were searching for me?”

Wei Ying heard Lan Zhan sigh. “Of course we were.”

“Yeah, but it’s been nearly ten years.” Surely they would have given up long before now?

“Wei Ying.” He could hear the censure in Lan Zhan’s voice. “We never stopped searching.” Wei Ying let out a shaky breath. “We couldn’t stop. We share anything we find out. We also meet once a year to...talk about you. To remember you.”

Wei Ying felt his throat thickening with emotion and clenched his jaw to try and stop it. He thought he knew, but he asked anyway. “When do you meet?”

“On your birthday. I had dinner with them last night.”

Wei Ying couldn’t stop the tears, then. His throat closed with them, and his breath hitched, rasping. They had dinner on his birthday. They talked about him. Did they mourn him? Mourn his loss? He hadn’t known to expect that. How could he know that they wouldn’t want to forget the person who just walked away with no word?

Why would they want to remember him?

“Wei Ying.” Wei Ying sniffed, still not able to open his throat to speak. “Wei Ying, I don’t know why you left. But we know there must have been a reason that you could not talk about, or felt that you had to keep a secret. It is why we do not reveal our search to anyone. We did not want to make things harder for you.”

Wei Ying was openly sobbing now. How could they trust his motivations so much? He was the fuck up. The black sheep. The unwanted addition. Part of him had thought that maybe they would be glad he was gone. Sad, maybe, but a bit relieved as well.

“Lan Zhan.” Wei Ying didn’t know what else to say.

Lan Zhan’s voice was soft, gentle. “Wei Ying, please don’t change your number again. Please” - his voice cracked slightly - “please allow me to have this one way to be sure that you are safe.”

Wei Ying nodded, then remembered that Lan Zhan couldn’t see him. “Yes, okay. I will keep this number.” It felt risky, but he couldn’t choose anything else.

“Thank you. May I… Wei Ying, may I call you again? Please?” Lan Zhan sounded back to his normal, calm self, except for the slight hesitation. Wei Ying was about to decline, though, to say that they could text, when Lan Zhan spoke again. “Maybe once a week?”

Wei Ying paused. Once a week. That could be okay. He could let himself have that, right?

“Once a week. Like this. 7pm on a Sunday night. Does that work for you?”

“It does.” Lan Zhan’s response was immediate. “Thank you, Wei Ying.”

Lan Zhan was thanking him. Like Wei Ying was doing him a favour, not like he was the jackass who disappeared with no trace ten years before.

Wei Ying huffed. “I should go.” He needed to think about everything. His head was a mess. He closed his eyes and rested his head on his knees again.

“Okay. Thank you for talking to me, Wei Ying. I appreciate it.”

Wei Ying felt weird. “Stop thanking me, Lan Zhan. I don’t deserve it.”

“Mn.” Lan Zhan didn’t sound like he agreed, but didn’t contradict him. Wei Ying was about to say goodbye when Lan Zhan spoke again, voice quiet. “Wei Ying, did you mean what you said?”

Wei Ying felt a flush travel through him. He knew exactly what Lan Zhan was referring to. He had hoped that, with everything else, Lan Zhan would have forgotten that part. But of course he hadn’t. Wei Ying hesitated while he thought what to say. He could claim that he was drunk, and the words had been a dare to say, but that was unfair to Lan Zhan. To lie to him.

“I did.” Wei Ying felt the blush travel down from his cheeks to his neck and chest. So Lan Zhan knew. Knew that Wei Ying had been desperately in love with him back then. Would it make Lan Zhan less likely to keep in touch?

“For me as well,” Lan Zhan said. Wei Ying shook his head, making a questioning sound, unsure what Lan Zhan meant. “Wei Ying, you are the love of my life, too.”

Wei Ying opened his mouth, but no sounds came out. What? That could not be true. Lan Zhan wasn’t into Wei Ying. Lan Zhan wasn’t even into guys. Hadn’t he had that crush on Mianmian back in the day? Was he just saying this to make Wei Ying feel better, or less embarrassed? Or did Lan Zhan misunderstand and think that Wei Ying meant a platonic, best friend love?

“Lan Zhan?” He managed to croak out.

“I will speak to you next week, Wei Ying.” Wei Ying thought he could hear a slight smile in Lan Zhan’s voice. “Goodbye.”

Wei Ying rasped out a hasty ‘Bye’ before Lan Zhan hung up. He stared at his phone and tried to make sense of everything he had heard.

Wei Ying spent the entire week thinking about Lan Zhan.

He thought about him when he was getting up. He thought about him when he was in the shower, in bed, at work. He thought about Lan Zhan when he checked the business accounts and saw the deposit from Nie Huaisang again. A small, bitter part of him felt manipulated, and considered just sending the money straight back. But he had suffered for it. Lan Zhan had suffered for it. And Nie Huaisang had confirmed it was a no-strings investment. He didn’t even want any shares in return.

Wei Ying contacted the client he had turned down and accepted the job. Luckily they hadn’t found anyone else and were thrilled when he told them his circumstances had changed. He felt guilty, thought about Lan Zhan, but he had made his choices.

When Sunday evening finally arrived Wei Ying couldn’t stop fiddling with things. He kept a clean apartment, if a little cluttered, but when he found himself thoughtlessly scrubbing all of his cupboard fronts to burn off some energy, he started to laugh. He pulled off the rubber gloves and threw them down. It was ridiculous. So Lan Zhan had said that Wei Ying had been the love of his life. So Lan Zhan was single, and still searching for him. So, so, so…

It was a phone call. Just a phone call. And Lan Zhan wasn’t into guys, as far as he was aware.

Lan Zhan had texted Wei Ying at least one photo every day, just things from his day to day routine, but Wei Ying had tried not to get too involved in messaging regularly. This was something he wasn’t meant to have. Lan Zhan had asked for some photos in return, but Wei Ying had declined. It would be too easy to pick out small details and use them to find out that he was in Shanghai.

The second call was still easy. Lan Zhan reassured Wei Ying that he hadn’t told anyone about talking to him, and that was enough to help Wei Ying calm down. They didn’t talk for too long, but it felt like a gift. Wei Ying got the impression that Lan Zhan wanted to stay on for longer, but when Wei Ying made his excuses, overwhelmed, Lan Zhan disconnected easily enough.

When the third call came around, Wei Ying considered cancelling it. It hadn’t been the best Sunday. However, every time he thought about sending the text he delayed, until it was too late to drop out without being rude.

“Hey, Lan Zhan.” Wei Ying tried to sound normal, but it was hard. He was out of practice with pretending everything was okay to Lan Zhan; it was a skill he had perfected when he was young, but ten years could divest you of a lot of abilities.

“Wei Ying, what’s wrong?” Lan Zhan’s voice was full of concern. So much for old skills.

Wei Ying tucked himself up on the sofa, legs curled around himself and free arm across his stomach. “Don’t worry about it, I’m fine.” There was silence down the phone line. Wei Ying tried to hold out, but apparently Lan Zhan hadn’t lost his skills in ten years. “I’m fine, Lan Zhan. Stop worrying.”

“Wei Ying, I will never stop worrying about you. You cannot command that.” Lan Zhan’s voice was soft, caring. Wei Ying clenched his teeth at the sudden pricking in his eyes. How could sympathy always be the thing that made him lose it? He fought the thickness in his throat. “It’s okay, Wei Ying, you don’t have to tell me.”

The quiet compassion almost broke Wei Ying’s resolve, and he tried to hide the hitch in his breath. Lan Zhan didn’t speak, instead he hummed a tune that sounded vaguely familiar to Wei Ying. After a few minutes he got his breathing under control. The overwhelming emotions receded and he felt remarkably better.

Lan Zhan stopped humming. “I am sorry. I should not have pushed you to tell me.”

Wei Ying shook his head, even though Lan Zhan couldn’t see him. “No, it’s okay Lan Zhan. I think I needed it.” It was true. Usually when he’d had a rough day at work he would come home, mope, maybe paint and drink wine. But Lan Zhan’s concern and soft humming had helped ground him. “It was a homophobic client at work. They kept making comments.” He huffed. “And I wasn’t even meant to be working on a Sunday!”

“Comments,” Lan Zhan repeated, voice low and dark.

“Yeah. They saw my rainbow watch strap, and my bi flag pin, and just - “ He shook his head again. “Asshole.”

“Mn.”

Wei Ying smiled wanly. “Agreeing with me, Lan Zhan? Not going to tell me off for swearing?”

“Why would I criticise you for accurately describing an asshole?”

Wei Ying threw back his head and laughed. He could hear the humour in Lan Zhan’s voice and it was delightful. “Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan, ally to queer people everywhere.”

There was a long silence and then Lan Zhan spoke. “Wei Ying, I am gay.”

Wei Ying laughed. “Uh huh.” What? Was that possible?

“Wei Ying, I am.”

Wei Ying sat up. “You’re not gay, Lan Zhan.” Bi, maybe?

"I assure you that I am.” Lan Zhan sounded slightly annoyed.

Wei Ying gripped his phone. “But you liked Mianmian when we were younger!”

Lan Zhan made a frustrated sound. “I did not.”

Wei Ying knew his memory could be flawed, but he was sure he remembered… “But - but you were so annoyed with me when I flirted with her!”

Lan Zhan huffed - actually huffed! “Wei Ying.” He sounded pained.

“I don’t get it.” Wei Ying shook his head. “You’re gay?”

“I thought you liked Mianmian.” Lan Zhan’s voice was softer, less annoyed.

Wei Ying smiled, pulling one of his cushions onto his lap. It was the multicoloured sequined one. He started brushing them back and forth, watching the colours change with the movement.

“You know me, Lan Zhan. I flirted, but it was never Mianmian that I was into.” The knowledge of Wei Ying’s confession hung between them, unspoken. Wei Ying felt himself blushing.

“It was never Mianmian that I was interested in, either,” Lan Zhan said.

Wei Ying traced Lan Zhan’s name in the sequins. “So why were you so annoyed? I thought you were jealous.”

“I was.”

Wei Ying frowned. “But you said…” He gripped the cushion. “Lan Zhan, were you jealous of me?” No, no. Surely not?

“Mn.”

“Lan Zhan!” Wei Ying threw the cushion aside and stood up. He couldn’t stay seated and think about this. He started pacing back and forth. Lan Zhan didn’t seem to be saying anything else, though. “You liked me?”

“Mn.”

Wei Ying dropped to his knees and buried his face in the sofa cushions, phone still in his hand. “Lan Zhan!”

“I thought it was obvious.”

He sat back up, leaning back on his haunches. “It was not obvious!”

“Wei Ying, I told you that you were the love of my life.”

Wei Ying waved a hand. “Yeah, but I thought that maybe you could have meant it in a platonic way.”

There was silence for a moment, then Lan Zhan spoke, voice quieter. “Did you mean it in a platonic way?”

Wei Ying laughed. “God no.”

“Good.” Lan Zhan sounded better. His tone was dry, the amusement back, and Wei Ying blushed harder. He was glad that Lan Zhan could not see him like this. “I have been reliably informed that I was very obvious, although apparently not to you.”

Wei Ying covered his face with his free hand. Other people had known that Lan Zhan liked him? It had been obvious? “But. But.” Obvious? “But you hated me! I annoyed you!”

Lan Zhan sighed, and it was such an un-Lan Zhan thing to do that for a delirious second Wei Ying wondered if he was being pranked. That this had never been Lan Zhan, just someone pretending. It was ridiculous, though.

“Many people annoy me. I avoid them. I did not want to avoid you.”

That was...true.

Wei Ying had seen Lan Zhan completely blank people, make short but devastating remarks and, in one of the best moments of Wei Ying’s life, even told Su She that he was not qualified to talk to Lan Zhan. But he had never done any of that with Wei Ying. He had seemed frequently frustrated and irritated, but had still sought Wei Ying out. Spent time with him.

“Oh my god. Lan Zhan. You liked me.” Wei Ying was actually shaking. It felt like his whole understanding of his youth was changing right in front of him.

“Like,” Lan Zhan said.

“Hmm?” Wei Ying was still reeling.

“‘Liked’ is past tense. I like you.” Lan Zhan sounded firm, decisive.

“You mean, right now?” His hand gripped his hair. “Still?”

“Always.”

Wei Ying tumbled to the side, off his knees and onto the floor. He curled up, breathing too hard. “Lan Zhan.” His heart felt like it might beat out of his chest. He didn’t know what to say. He was shaking, adrenaline surging through him, like he should get up and run somewhere, anywhere. He also felt like he was being ridiculous and melodramatic. But it was him. “Lan Zhan.”

“Wei Ying.” Lan Zhan was definitely laughing at him now. “I will leave you to process your feelings.”

“Lan Zhan!” Wei Ying whined. “You’re so cruel to me!”

Lan Zhan hummed agreement. “I will speak to you next time, Wei Ying.”

“Okay.” Wei Ying stayed curled in his ball. “Bye, Lan Zhan. Don’t forget to text me.”

“I won’t.”

The line disconnected.

Wen Qing finally snapped on the third evening that Wei Ying planted himself at her kitchen table but didn’t tell her anything.

“Mo Xuanyu, I swear that if you’re not going to actually tell me what the hell is wrong, then please just leave.” She pointed at the door. “I’m tired, and not being on nights should be a happy thing, but your sad face here is driving me crazy!”

“Sorry, Qing-jie. I just…” He trailed off until Wen Qing slapped the table. His eyes widened. “Um. You know what happened at my party after you left, right?”

Wen Qing sat back and crossed her arms. “Only because A-Ning told me.”

“Ah ha, yeah.” Wei Ying rubbed his forehead. “Sorry. I knew A-Ning would tell you and, um-”

“You’re a coward?” Wen Qing suggested.

Wei Ying laughed. “Yeah, exactly.”

“Okay, so what’s going on?” Her voice was softer. She played at the tough big sister, and she was, but Wen Qing was also a complete softie when it came to her didis.

Wei Ying fiddled with his chopsticks, trying to think how to start. He had been trying to think every night, and still felt no better equipped. Wen Qing took the chopsticks away from him and huffed.

He closed his eyes. “So, you know that I’m not-“ He couldn’t say it. That he wasn’t who he said he was. That the person they knew was made up. A construct. “That I used to live somewhere else. With a different name.”

“I know,” Wen Qing said. Wei Ying’s eyes snapped open to look at her, not used to hearing such a gentle tone. Her eyes were kind as well. It made Wei Ying feel like he might cry, so he looked down at the table.

“I left for” - he fluttered a hand - “reasons. I had to.” He looked up at her. “I had to, Qing-jie.”

“I believe you.”

Wei Ying swallowed, buoyed by her faith in him. He didn’t deserve it.

“Except, maybe I didn’t have to leave. I keep thinking about how I just was gone. No explanation. Just one note telling them not to look for me, that I wasn’t coming back.” He remembered writing the note; making it clear that it was his choice to leave. That he wanted to go. He’d felt sick at the words, re-writing it until Auntie Yu had been satisfied with it.

Wen Qing reached out her hand and took Wei Ying’s. “Tell me, A-Yu.”

Wei Ying told her. He started right at the beginning, at his adoption. He told her about Uncle Jiang, about his jiejie, and his didi. And he told her about Auntie Yu. It was only when Wen Qing covered both his hands with hers that he realised he had started to shake.

When he reached the night he left, Wei Ying started to cry. He tried not to, to swallow past the lump in his throat, but it wouldn’t clear. His vision doubled, tripled, split into sharp fragments of light, until the gathering tears ran heavy down his cheeks, splashing onto their joined hands.

Wei Ying tilted his head back to try and stop the tears from coming. His voice shook. His breathing came fast as he desperately tried to explain to Wen Qing his reasons for what he did. His excuses.

While Wei Ying was still spewing his explanations, Wen Qing interrupted him. “Xuanyu, stop.”

Wei Ying felt his stomach plummet. The first person he had told the whole story to, and he had been right: he would be deservedly judged. He waited for Wen Qing to berate him. She was good at putting laser-focus on exactly how you had fucked up, what you should have done, and how you could fix it.

“You don’t need to tell me your justifications,” Wen Wing said. Wei Ying nodded miserably. “You tell me that a woman, given care of you from the age of five, spent your whole life telling you that you were to blame for everything: the state of her marriage, the grades her son got, the illnesses that plagued her daughter, the way the family was perceived.

“This woman physically and emotionally abused you, made you feel responsible for anything that happened, then told you that if you didn’t leave and never come back, never even get in touch, your siblings would pay the price. So you left. And you think I need you to excuse your behaviour?”

Wei Ying finally looked at Wen Qing again and saw that she had tears in her eyes too. “But-“

“No but!” Wei Ying realised she was definitely angry, but apparently, for some reason, not at him. “No buts, Xuanyu. God!” She stood up and came around the table. Wei Ying wasn’t sure exactly what she was planning until her arms were around him and his head was pressed to her chest.

Wen Qing was hugging him. She never voluntarily hugged! He had seen her deliberately hug someone exactly once, and it had been her brother. Even then she had been drunk and swore him to secrecy.

“Qing-jie.” Wei Ying hugged her back. “It’s okay.”

She stepped back and smacked him lightly around the head. Okay, that was more Wen Qing behaviour.

“Don’t tell me it’s okay! It’s my job to tell you that.” She grabbed some tissues from the box on the side and handed one to Wei Ying, keeping the other to blow her nose. Then she sat back down at the table. “You don’t have to make excuses for what happened.”

Wei Ying felt a little guilty. “I was a bit of a nightmare, though. I mean, I didn’t help-“

Wen Qing slapped the table again. “No. Stop it!” She closed her eyes and shook her head. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to shout. I shouldn’t shout at you for this. But it’s really hard to hear you making excuses for someone who abused you.”

“I wasn’t abused, come on,” Wei Ying scoffed.

Wen Qing looked at him. “Well, what would you call it?”

Wei Ying thought about it. It was normal for parents to have expectations, right? Good behaviour, good grades, filial duties.

The little voice that had always been there in Wei Ying’s mind spoke up. Other kids’ parents hadn’t been that tough, that mean. He tried to push the voice away like he always had, then considered Wen Qing’s question again. She was watching him, letting him think. Wei Ying swallowed and let the voice speak up.

Was it really his fault that the Jiangs’ marriage had been affected? Well, he had been another burden, another mouth to feed, another child to pay for and clothe.

But the Jiangs had plenty of money. More than plenty. They could have afforded twenty children and not made a dent in their finances.

And he hadn’t had a choice. No one had asked him where he wanted to live. His parents had died, he had been fostered out into a family he barely remembered, then taken to the Jiangs. He had been five; if it was a problem for Auntie Yu, it was between her and Uncle Jiang. Could he be blamed for decisions that he had never had a voice in?

Every time he let himself consider that maybe, maybe he had not been the problem, the cause, the issue, those familiar thoughts piled on, trying to tell him how ungrateful,, how thankless he was.

He thought about the families he saw when he was a child. About the families he knew now. A-Yuan didn’t have parents, but his family had taken him in. What would he think if he saw someone treating A-Yuan like he had been treated?

A fierce anger blossomed in his chest. He would kill them. He remembered one New Year when he had done something to make Auntie Yu angry, and she had hit him so hard that he hadn’t been able to sit down for three days. Jiejie had tried to help him, but Auntie Yu had pushed her away. When Yanli had fallen and hurt her arm, that had been blamed on Wei Ying, too.

Wei Ying couldn’t even remember what he had done, but it had been nothing more than childish… the memory came back, suddenly whole in his mind. He had spilled a drink on one of the old aunties. He had been bringing it to her and tripped.

He had been eight.

He considered what would happen if A-Yuan spilled a drink onto someone. He was five, but even imagining him a little older, what would he do? If A-Yuan had been messing around he might get told off, asked to apologise. But if he saw anyone take a hand to him for it...

Wei Ying clenched his teeth.

“It was,” he finally said. “It was abuse.” Wen Qing just nodded. Wei Ying dragged in a wet, soggy breath. “Fuck.” He sniffed and rubbed his nose. It hadn’t really been bad abuse, though, right? And that didn’t mean that he hadn’t fucked up when he left.

“Still, I should have tried to do something. Stay in town and wait a year, maybe. Until they were both out of university and had jobs of their own. I didn’t have to disappear for ten years. Ten years.”

Wen Qing tilted her head at him. “Did you believe her?” Wei Ying frowned and shook his head, not understanding the question. “Did you believe your aunt? Did you believe that she would do the things that she threatened?”

Wei Ying licked his lips, then nodded. “She never made a promise that she didn’t follow through on.” Wen Qing made a gesture like ‘well there you are’. “Okay, but what about since then? Jiejie is married, with her own money and family. She has a son! Jiang Cheng is a partner in a law firm. I could have reached out.” He started crying in earnest. “But I was the person who left them. Who ran away. Who didn’t even trust or care enough to contact them. Not even to pass a message through Lan Zhan. I just abandoned them. For ten years, Qing-jie. Why would they even want to talk to me? Why does Lan Zhan want to talk to me all the time? How can I ever ask them to forgive me? Why has Lan Zhan?”

Wei Ying put his head in his hands and sobbed, tears coming hard, shoulders hitching. Wen Qing stroked her hand back and forth across his back.

“A-Yu, I can’t tell you exactly why you didn’t get back in touch. But I understand it. First you have the fear that was beaten into you, emotionally and physically. Which is still there. You learned it at such a young age; it’s so difficult to untangle that. But then you have the guilt. The guilt from your childhood, the guilt from leaving, and the guilt from staying gone.”

Wei Ying sniffled. In a few sentences she had summed up something that felt too big for Wei Ying to see all at once. Wen Qing handed him another tissue and he scrubbed his eyes with it, then wiped his nose. He hated crying.

Wen Qing went on. “Look, I don’t know why Lan Zhan feels what he does. But I can tell you that if I had seen you being treated the way you were, I would understand why things might have gone the way they did, even without the whole story. I would be inclined to be sad for you, not angry at you. To be glad I had found my friend again, not mad that they had been gone.

“And Xuanyu?” She paused. “If A-Ning disappeared for even fifty years, after something like that, I would still always want to see him again. Even if we had to talk it out and figure out how to get along afresh, I would want him in my life. Remember that.”

Wei Ying looked up again, trying to get his eyes to stop the waterworks. He felt wrung out, but somehow better. Like some poison had been lanced from him, if only for a little while.

He sat at the table as Wen Qing got up and wrote on a piece of paper. Then she returned and placed a note in front of him. It was a name and a number.

“This is a colleague of mine at the hospital who can help you.” Wei Ying went to speak but she spoke over him. “I will let her know to expect your call, and ask her to see you in private. You will speak to her, and go to at least two appointments. If you think it isn’t for you after that, fine. But I think she can really help you.”

Wei Ying pulled a face. “I’m not sure if that kind of thing is for me, Qing-jie. Plus I’ve heard things…”

Wen Qing glared at him. “Who are you going to trust, the things you’ve heard, or me and A-Ning?”

“A-Ning?” He asked.

“Yes. He’s spent some time with her for his course.” She tapped the note. “Promise me, A-Yu.”

Wei Ying held up three fingers. “I promise.”

Wen Qing nodded, satisfied. “And A-Yu?” Wei Ying raised his eyebrows. “You can talk to me too. And A-Ning. He would be happy to listen.

Wei Ying nodded, throat tight. He was so lucky to have found them.

“Can I ask you a question, Lan Zhan?” Wei Ying was in his usual talking-to-Lan-Zhan-on-the-phone position: on his back, on the sofa, eyes closed. He had his hand tucked into the waistband of his joggers, aware of the sensation of his fingers against his hip, pressed there by the elastic.

“Mn. Of course.” Lan Zhan’s voice was always so warm when they talked. Wei Ying couldn’t remember if that was different from when they were younger. He had been so sure that Lan Zhan was just putting up with him; had he imagined that Lan Zhan’s voice was colder? Or had Lan Zhan warmed up in the last ten years? Or was he only warmed up for Wei Ying, on their calls?

Unanswerable questions. He had many.

“When did you realise that you were into guys?”

They hadn’t discussed their sexuality or feelings for the last few phone calls. Wei Ying was nervous to touch the subject, but it felt like the elephant in the room, and he had never been good at tiptoeing around those.

The silence went on for a little too long, and Wei Ying rushed to backpedal. “I mean, you don’t have to answer. Sorry, I know it’s a bit personal-”

“Wei Ying.” Wei Ying thought that Lan Zhan sounded almost amused. “I said you could ask. I was just trying to recall.”

“Oh.” Wei Ying wriggled his toes, which were a little chilly. Maybe getting some socks would distract him from feeling so self-conscious. “Um. Okay.” He didn’t get up for the socks. He was too comfy.

There was a little more silence, and then Lan Zhan spoke. “I think I was around twelve or thirteen.”

Wei Ying blinked his eyes open in shock. “Twelve or thirteen? Are you serious?”

“Mn.”

Wei Ying sat up, tucking his feet under him. “How the hell did you know at that age?”

“I… don’t know.” Lan Zhan sounded unsure. “I remember reading a book where the main character got into a relationship with a woman at the end. I was disappointed. I didn’t understand why he did not choose his best friend. Their relationship seemed much more compelling. I spoke to Brother about it, and he explained.”

“Wow.” Wei Ying slumped back on the sofa, pulling his knees up to his chest. “Your brother is great.”

“Mn,” Lan Zhan agreed.

“So you just knew after that?”

“Yes. Brother told me about other sexualities, which I had a vague awareness of. He explained that any of them would be fine as long as I figured what worked best for me.” There was a brief pause. “He also told me that he is bi.”

Wei Ying stood up this time. “What?! Lan Huan is bi?”

Socks. He needed socks. Socks. He crossed restlessly to his dresser.

“He is. After that conversation I thought about it and returned to him a week later to tell him that I was gay.”

Wei Ying pulled some fluffy socks that Wen Qing had bought for him from his drawer and sat heavily on his bed to tug them on.

“Wow.” He dropped his feet back to the floor. “So you already knew when we met?”

“I did.”

“Wow,” Wei Ying repeated. He was really struggling to reconcile his memories from the time with this new knowledge. “You were so self-aware.”

“Did you not know that you were attracted to men when we met?” Lan Zhan asked.

“Fuck no!” Wei Ying laughed, and trudged back over to the sofa, flopping back down onto it. “I didn’t have a bi big brother to help me understand my pervy teenage urges.”

“They are not pervy.” Lan Zhan sounded a little annoyed.

Wei Ying flapped a hand. “I know, I know! That’s just how I thought of them at the time.”

“You thought you were perverted?”

Wei Ying considered it, thinking back. “Well...no, not really. I just” - he huffed - “I just didn’t understand the options.” Lan Zhan made an interested sound, so Wei Ying continued. “I knew I had sexual thoughts about men, but I had thoughts about women too. I also didn’t know those weren’t the only genders at the time.”

“You had sexual thoughts about men, yet did not realise you were attracted to them?” Lan Zhan sounded very confused. Wei Ying grinned.

“Weird, right? It took me too long to understand it. I knew that being gay was a thing, but gay men were only attracted to men. I was attracted to women, so I knew I couldn’t be gay. The only option, I thought, was that I was straight, and my male-related sex thoughts were some aberration or a product of me being a horny teenager.” Wei Ying laughed. “Not all of us had Lan Huan!” Wei Ying rubbed his neck. “It wasn’t until I met A-Ning and started talking about sexuality and gender that I found out that being bi was a thing, and that I was that.”

“A-Ning?” Lan Zhan asked.

Wei Ying slid into his lying-down position again, crossing his arms behind his head, phone balanced on his chest. “Yeah, he owns the sex shop downstairs, and his studies focus on human relationships as part of his psychology major. He hired me, despite having no experience of working in a shop, or any form of sex, regardless of gender. Lan Zhan, I blushed my way through fully the first three months of working there.” Wei Ying smiled to remember it.

“You live above a sex shop?”

Wei Ying internally cursed. He was meant to be making sure he didn’t give away too much about where he was.

“Um, yeah. I rent my place off A-Ning. He found out that I didn’t have anywhere great to stay, and let me live here for a really good rate. He knocked off some from the rent in return for me keeping an ear out for the shop overnight. I guess I could move out now that the business is making more money, but” - he shrugged - “I like it here.”

“It must have been very helpful for you at that time.” Lan Zhan sounded slightly strained, quiet. Wei Ying wondered if it might be the reference to him leaving, so gratefully pursued the sexuality angle rather than the homeless one.

“Oh yeah, definitely. In, like, a month I found out that being bi could be a thing, figured out that I was bi, and had my first kiss. It was very educational.” Wei Ying grinned to remember it. What a month.

He skimmed over the parts where he was desperately missing his family and friends, trying to figure out a whole new life in a whole new city. Those were things he was talking about with his counsellor.

Lan Zhan was quiet again for a moment. “You...your first kiss?”

“Yep!” Wei Ying popped the p sound. “A guy called Wang Siyu. The kissing was fine, but he wanted to do a lot more, and I was freaking out. Not the best experience, but it got better. What was your first kiss like?”

Lan Zhan was quiet again. Wei Ying wondered for a moment if he was unhappy with the conversation.

“I remember you talking about kissing lots of people.”

Wei Ying’s eyes widened in sudden memory. Oh god. “Um. Oh. Yeah, that’s right, I did say that.”

“It was not true?”

Wei Ying groaned and covered his eyes with his arm. “Ahhhh, no, of course it wasn’t true, Lan Zhan.” He briefly considered lying, or stretching the truth, but decided Lan Zhan couldn’t see him to see how much he was blushing. “I just told you that because I wanted you to like me more. To think I was cool, and that girls were into me.” Lan Zhan didn’t immediately say anything so Wei Ying kept rambling. “I didn’t know I was attracted to guys, but I knew you were super hot, and so cool. I just wanted you to think that I was hot too. I was sure that you must be getting so many kisses, because who wouldn’t want to kiss Lan Zhan? He was the best! I didn’t realise until later” - he waved a hand - “after, that it was because I wanted to kiss you.”

Wei Ying clapped a hand over his mouth. Why had he said that? Urgh, what was wrong with him? He stayed silent in the hope that maybe Lan Zhan had fazed out and not heard that part. It was a futile hope, really, because Lan Zhan was an excellent listener.

Finally Lan Zhan spoke. “I was so jealous of all of the people you told me that you had kissed. I hated all of them.”

Wei Ying felt a flood of warmth through him, replacing the embarrassment. He felt suddenly hyper-aware of how close his hand was to his dick. “You didn’t know them.”

“I hated them, despite not knowing names or faces. I pictured you kissing them and hated them anyway.”

Wei Ying smiled, wry and amused. “But they didn’t exist.”

“I did not know that.” Lan Zhan sounded amused too. Wei Ying deliberately reminded himself that while he had, of course, made himself vulnerable by admitting he had liked Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan had admitted the same in return. They were in the same boat.

“So there was me, liking you and not knowing that I was into men, making up kisses to make you like me. And there was you, liking me and mad with jealousy, but not knowing I liked guys either. Lan Zhan, we were idiots.” He shook his head, causing the wires of the headphones to tug lightly in his ears.

“Mn.” Lan Zhan was definitely amused.

Wei Ying crossed his ankles. “This is why I thought you had a crush on Mianmian.”

Lan Zhan made a pained sound. “I did not.”

“I know that now, but I was so sure you did.” Wei Ying remembered the sick feeling of thinking that Lan Zhan was into Mianmian. Trying to tell himself that he was happy for his friend, because why would Mianmian not want Lan Zhan? Instead Lan Zhan had been gay the whole time. He draped his arm across his eyes.

“I also thought that you liked Mianmian,” Lan Zhan said.

“No. I mean, she was awesome, but I was too obsessed with you.” Wei Ying frowned. “Hang on, so when you told me that I shouldn’t flirt unless I meant it…?”

Lan Zhan sighed. “I was trying to tell you to stop flirting with me, and to just move forward with Mianmian if that was what you wanted.”

“Wow.”

“Mn.”

“I mean, wow.” Wei Ying pulled his arm off his face. “We were a mess.”

“We were.”

Wei Ying sighed. “Wait, so when was your first kiss? If you were aware of being gay from, like, birth?”

Lan Zhan ignored his exaggeration. “I was fifteen.”

“Fifteen,” Wei Ying practically shrieked, sitting up. “Lan Zhan! How the hell?”

“A boy I went to school with kissed me at a group outing. I was unprepared and pushed him away when I realised what was happening. I did not like him.”

“Ahhhh.” Wei Ying nodded. “First kiss stolen by a scoundrel.”

Lan Zhan huffed a small laugh. “It was Su She.”

Wei Ying’s mouth hung open for a second. “Su She?! Is that why you hated him?”

“Mn,” Lan Zhan said. “Also he was odious.”

“He really was.” Wei Ying laughed. “Oh, that explains so much. He was always smarming around you, then saying that you were pretentious and elitist.”

“He asked me out again about five years ago. I took great pleasure in turning him down for a second time.”

“Yes, Lan Zhan.” Wei Ying laughed. “So when was your first non-stolen kiss?”

“I was twenty three.” So just after Wei Ying left, then. “I do not remember it.”

“You… don’t remember it?”

“Mn.” There was a long enough pause that Wei Ying thought that Lan Zhan wasn’t going to continue, but he finally spoke. “It was a few months after you left. Part of me thought that you would return, or get in touch for my birthday.” Wei Ying felt the squirm of guilt in his gut, but didn’t say anything. “You always made a fuss, and I think part of me was holding out hope that you would do something. Anything.”

Wei Ying breathed deeply. He had done something. He remembered every birthday that passed that first year. How desperately he had wanted to reach out to everyone, even just to wish them a good day. He had forced himself not to, and instead sketched a picture of each person on their birthday. He still had them.

Lan Zhan continued telling the story. “When I did not hear from you by the next day, I went out to a club and got drunk.” Wei Ying had only seen Lan Zhan drunk once and could imagine the scene. “I woke up the next day with a note in my pocket, thanking me for all the kissing and giving me his number.” Lan Zhan paused for a second and then added, “He wrote his name as Wuzhou.”

Wei Ying sighed, deep and sad. “I’m sorry, Lan Zhan.”

“Do not apologise.” Lan Zhan’s response was swift and sharp. “You did what you thought was necessary, and I made the choice to drink. I knew what the consequences would be.”

“Still-“ Wei Ying started, but Lan Zhan cut him off again.

“No. Wei Ying. There is no need for sorry between us for this. Please.” He sounded so sure and determined.

Wei Ying swallowed. “Okay. Okay, Lan Zhan.”

They were both quiet for a few moments, then Lan Zhan spoke again, voice low. “I wish that I had been your first kiss.”

Wei Ying smiled, a light relief washing through him. “God, Lan Zhan, me too. I wish that too. And I wish I had been your first non-stolen kiss.”

There was more quiet. Wei Ying allowed it to wash over him.

“Wei Ying, I should go,” Lan Zhan eventually said.

Wei Ying checked his watch and saw the time. “Oh shit, yeah sure.” He sat up, stretching out his legs and arching his back. “Sorry to keep you so late.”

“Wei Ying.”

“Oh!” Wei Ying covered his mouth for a second. “I forgot already.”

“I like talking to you, Wei Ying. You are not preventing me from doing anything else,” Lan Zhan said.

Wei Ying felt slightly overwhelmed at the sentiment. “Ah. Cool. Um, me too.” Smooth.

“I will speak to you next week, Wei Ying.”

“Next week,’ Wei Ying agreed. “Bye.”

“Goodbye.”

The line disconnected. Wei Ying scrubbed a hand through his hair and sighed. Waiting a week was too long.

Wei Ying made it to Wednesday before he cracked and asked Lan Zhan if he could call him that night.

They texted every day, but Wei Ying wanted to talk to Lan Zhan. To tell him the full story of his coffee shop mishap, and not the abbreviated text version.

Mainly he wanted to hear his voice.

When Wei Ying messaged, just before 7pm, Lan Zhan agreed gratifyingly quickly. Wei Ying called straight away, phone dialling even while he was still slipping in his earbuds. Lan Zhan told him about his day, Wei Ying responded in kind.

The conversation was prosaic. There was nothing enthralling about the subjects they discussed. They were commonplace. But it settled something deep inside Wei Ying’s chest. Listening to Lan Zhan tell him about lunch, about a meeting, about commuting; he wanted these stories every day. Not because they were riveting, but because they were about Lan Zhan and his life.

Later, lying in bed, Wei Ying slipped his hand into his pyjama bottoms and wrapped it around his dick. He arched his back, breathing out as he focused on the feel of his own hand, warm and tight. How could Lan Zhan make him this hot, ten years after he last saw him? Just a voice at the end of the phone?

But it was that voice. Deep, rich, beautiful. God. Every time Lan Zhan said his name it ran down his spine like a bolt of lightning. Wei Ying panted and stroked harder. Fuck.

He could tell Lan Zhan where he was. He could give him his address. Lan Zhan had asked for it once - he could do it. Hand it over. It would take moments, then he would get to see Lan Zhan. What was his hair like now? Lan Zhan had always worn it long, a requirement of his uncle. It flowed down his back, regularly plaited and swinging in a way that always made Wei Ying feel flustered. What was it like now? Was it still long? Was it short now? Could he run fingers through short hair?

Fuck. Wei Ying thrust into his palm. He had told Lan Zhan that he had been in love with him, and Lan Zhan wanted to visit him. He knew, knew, that Lan Zhan likely didn’t want to see him for just that reason, but Wei Ying could imagine. Could think about Lan Zhan leaning over him, pressing him down into the bed, fucking up against him.

Wei Ying pulled his hand away, curling in as he rode the feeling of almost...almost...almost…

He took two fingers into his mouth, licking and sucking, imagining that they were Lan Zhan’s. He brought the fingers down, now wet and slick, and rubbed them behind the head of his cock. He whined, cock twitching, at the feeling of being too much and too little at the same time. He ached to take his whole cock back in hand, but made himself stay with just the fingers, rubbing back and forth, slick with saliva.

He thought about Lan Zhan leaning over him, hair draping across Wei Ying’s chest, brushing his nipples, tickling his sides. Lan Zhan’s face, lips, hands slipping down to join Wei Ying’s fingers. He groaned, and came all over his hand.

Even as he came down from the high Wei Ying felt a rush of regret. Lan Zhan wasn’t here. He never would be here.

Wei Ying was a fool. He had stopped going out, stopped picking anyone up, all so he could stay in and talk to Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan, who was hundreds of miles away and didn’t even know where Wei Ying was.

He cleaned himself up and curled on his side to go to sleep.

Wei Ying shifted until his legs were going up the back of the sofa, with his head dangling off the seat. He sometimes found it hard to stay still when he and Lan Zhan talked on the phone. He wanted to fidget and fiddle, to contort his body. It helped him listen and pay attention better.

“You said that you have a business?” Lan Zhan’s way of asking questions: repeat something that Wei Ying had told him and wait for Wei Ying to fill in the blanks. It worked too well. Wei Ying hadn’t even intended to let Lan Zhan know that much.

When Wei Ying had first met Wen Ning and Wen Qing, when his new name was still itchy around his shoulders and he often forgot to react when he heard it, he’d had the same problem. Talking too much, revealing too much about himself. It hadn’t carried the same risks with them, though. The most that would happen would be that they figured out who he was, and maybe looked him up online. However, he couldn’t afford to let Lan Zhan figure out where he was. If he even realised that Wei Ying was in Shanghai, he could go around to all of the sex shops and eventually find Wei Ying.

There were a lot of sex shops in Shanghai, but then Lan Zhan was nothing if not stubborn.

“Um, yeah, I do.” Wei Ying deliberately clenched his teeth over other details that he naturally wanted to share. Like how long ago he started it, or what the business did. He was proud of it, he wanted to tell Lan Zhan. But that want was the enemy right now. He couldn’t risk it.

“May I ask…” In the pause that Lan Zhan left, Wei Ying worried if he would have to say no to a Lan Zhan question. Lan Zhan had been very accommodating and respectful of his boundaries so far. Wei Ying hadn’t had to say no to anything, and he didn’t want to. “How did you start a business with a fake name?”

Wei Ying laughed, part with relief and part from the very Lan Zhan-ness of the question. Of course Lan Zhan, known rule follower, would wonder about the logistics.

“Well, that’s a story that involves a small amount of illegal activity, Lan Zhan. Are you sure you want to hear it?” Lan Zhan hummed a positive, and Wei Ying smiled. “Well, it was a two-pronged thing. First I saved up cash for a few years until I had enough to pay for a very expensive, but very creditable, fake Identity Card.”

“Hmmm.” Lan Zhan didn’t sound like he approved, but he didn’t comment.

“Once I had that, I could use it to do a lot of other things, one of which was opening a bank account.” Wei Ying stretched, hands pushing against the floor. He was getting into the tale now. “But I didn’t have any proof of address, because everything is in A-Ning’s name, and I couldn’t sign up for things without ID.”

“That must have been...challenging,” Lan Zhan said.

“Hmmm, it was. However, helpfully I had recently met and begun seeing a guy who worked in one of the branches. He gave me a specific appointment to come in and open an account with him, where he helpfully ‘forgot’ to take my proof of address.” The blood rushing to Wei Ying’s head became too much and he swung himself around to sit properly again.

“Very helpful.” Lan Zhan’s voice was dry, amused.

“It was!” Wei Ying grinned at the memory.

There was a small hesitation before Lan Zhan spoke again. “Did you…” He broke off, making Wei Ying perk up at what he might be about to ask. “Were you together long?”

“With…?” Wei Ying asked, then clicked. “Oh! With the bank clerk guy? Not really.” He hummed as he thought back. “Maybe a few months? He was hot, but really conceited. Ego the size of a small planet, which I was not into.” He shook his head. “He did not take the break up well. Stopped coming to A...um, to the gay club I met him in, altogether.” Wei Ying frowned at himself. He had almost said the name of the club. He needed to be more careful.

“Have you dated much?” Lan Zhan asked the question very straightforwardly, but Wei Ying could hear the slight shakiness in his voice. The whole situation was a weird one. These conversations with Lan Zhan were the cornerstone of his day, and they both now knew that they had cared for each other before Wei Ying had left. But talking about other people felt quite weird.

Like a relationship confession.

“Well, yes and no.” Wei Ying stood up and went into the kitchen to get a beer. If he was going to be talking about his dating life, then he wanted a drink. “I’ve dated a few people on and off. The longest was a white British guy who had moved here for a job, but he moved back to the UK after a year and I was...not upset. I think it was only the longest because it was easy, and the sex was okay.” He thought about it. “It sounds terrible, but because I knew he would go back to the UK at some point, I let it go on, when I would have broken up with a local. I knew there was an end.”

“Mn.” Lan Zhan sounded amused.

“Apart from that it’s mainly been hookups.” Wei Ying felt like he should be slightly embarrassed to tell Lan Zhan that, like he was confessing something unseemly. He quickly quashed it. It had been a very long time since he had carried shame for his queerness or his high sex drive. There was nothing wrong with liking sex, and nothing wrong with not having found someone to connect with long-term yet. “I live in one of the queerest areas of… my city.” He’d nearly said it again. “So it’s pretty easy to meet people.” Wei Ying made himself stop before he started to make excuses. “Um, what about you?”

There was a brief pause, but long enough for Wei Ying to wonder if Lan Zhan was going to answer. “Hookups as well.”

Wei Ying waited for Lan Zhan to elaborate, but he didn’t say anything more. “Just hookups? No ill-considered dating and relationship drama?” Wei Ying’s tone was teasing, mostly to disguise how much he wanted to know. His leg started jittering as he sat back down on the sofa.

“No dating. Just hookups.” Lan Zhan’s response was terse, but then he sighed, sounding softer. “No one was Wei Ying.”

Wei Ying flushed, feeling like his whole body was going hot and cold at the same time. “Lan Zhan.” He meant to sound teasing, but it came out too pleading, breathless.

“I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable.” Lan Zhan sounded like he meant it, too. So serious and determined.

“You didn’t.” Wei Ying closed his eyes, rubbing a hand, suddenly shaking, over his face. “You just…” His fingers pressed over one eye. “It’s the same. No one was Lan Zhan. Everyone was compared to you. How could anyone live up to that?”

Wei Ying hadn’t meant to say that, but it was true. So true.

“Lan Zhan.” Wei Ying spoke into the heavy silence. “What are we doing?”

He waited while Lan Zhan gathered his words. “We are talking.”

Wei Ying huffed an unamused laugh despite himself. “Okay. But this is… what is this?”

“Wei Ying, I would rather talk to you than anyone else. Than do anything else. If this is what I can have, this is what I will take.” There was no hesitation in Lan Zhan’s voice now.

Wei Ying swallowed against a sudden lump in his throat. “God, Lan Zhan. How can you just say things like that?”

“With Wei Ying it is easy. I do not want to hide myself from you.”

Wei Ying smiled, a wan and trembling thing. “Same. Lan Zhan, I don’t want to hide myself from you.” It was an ironic statement, considering that Wei Ying was quite literally hiding himself from Lan Zhan, but emotionally it was true. He hadn’t picked anyone up since he had started talking to Lan Zhan regularly. He hadn’t even thought about it, or why, but random hookups felt like a waste of time when he could be talking to Lan Zhan.

Wei Ying was in a lot of trouble.

Lan Zhan’s voice was warm in Wei Ying’s ears as he told him about his day. He always sounded so clear and rich when they talked. Wei Ying briefly wondered if Lan Zhan used headphones like him, or if he held the phone up to his ear the whole time. Wei Ying’s arm would get really tired if he did that. He couldn’t imagine that it would be comfortable for Lan Zhan.

He pictured Lan Zhan reclined, with headphones on. Probably an expensive pair, to give such clear sound quality. Wei Ying stretched out on the sofa, wiggling his toes. Was Lan Zhan lying down too? That was hard to imagine. Maybe Lan Zhan had a comfortable chair that he sat in. Or did he sit in his office chair? Upright and proper, like he had when they were younger?

Wei Ying’s hand was tucked into the waistband of his joggers as usual, and without thinking his fingers slipped under the waist of his boxer-briefs too, fingers brushing against the skin at the top of his leg. His cock started to pay attention, and Wei Ying realised he had drifted into imagining Lan Zhan sitting, reclined, with his legs open. Wei Ying could get on his knees in front of him.

“Wei Ying?” Lan Zhan’s questioning tone brought Wei Ying back from his reverie. He had been listening to what Lan Zhan was saying, but also enjoying the mental image. Lan Zhan couldn’t know what he was thinking, though, right?

“Yeah, I’m still here.” Wei Ying realised he sounded slightly breathless to himself. He hoped that Lan Zhan wouldn’t notice. “I’m happy you managed to get everything sorted.”

“Mn.”

Wei Ying tried to think of something else, but he suddenly very desperately wanted to be able to picture Lan Zhan accurately. “Lan Zhan? Can I ask you something?”

“Mn.”

“Where are you usually when we talk like this? I use my headphones and mostly lie on my sofa.” Wei Ying let his hand drift closer to his cock, which was definitely hard now. He didn’t touch, though.

Lan Zhan took a second before answering. Wei Ying wondered if something about his voice had given him away.

“When it was warmer, I sat out on my balcony. Now that it is cooler I sit or lie on my bed.”

Wei Ying raised his eyebrows. “On your bed? Lan Zhan! How presumptuous.” He pictured it, finally letting his fingers wrap around his cock. He sighed, trying to keep it quiet. “Are you there now?”

“I am.” Lan Zhan sounded a little breathless now too. “I am lying down, thinking about you.”

“About me?” Wei Ying gave a sighing laugh, sweet arousal flooding through him as he stroked himself once, slowly.

“Mn. About where you are, and what you look like right now.” Lan Zhan’s voice was deeper, warmer. Oh yes, Wei Ying very much thought they were on the same page.

“Do you want me to describe it for you?” Wei Ying offered. Lan Zhan hummed agreement and Wei Ying stroked himself again. “Well, I’m lying on my sofa, stretched out. I’m wearing some black joggers and a black t-shirt. I have my headphones in, so my phone is on my chest, leaving both of my hands free.”

“Advantageous.” Lan Zhan sounded amused, but there was definitely more in his voice.

“Mmmm, very.” Wei Ying thrust slowly into his fist and let a small gasp slip through his self-control. He thought he heard an answering breath from Lan Zhan. “My t-shirt has ridden up a little because I usually tuck my hand into the waist of my joggers. So there’s a strip of my stomach showing.” A definite sound from Lan Zhan there. Wei Ying let the image hang for a moment before he spoke again. “Oh, and I have my hand wrapped around my dick.”

“Wei Ying.”

It came out in a groan that went straight to Wei Ying’s cock.

He arched a little, letting his hips roll. “Is that a clear enough image for you, Lan Zhan?” He heard Lan Zhan panting slightly. “Do you want to tell me what you look like?”

“Headphones. White t-shirt, pulled up. Dark grey pyjama bottoms, pushed down. Touching myself and thinking about you.” Lan Zhan sounded velvet, hot, gravelly. Wei Ying’s hips jerked at the image.

“Fuck, Lan Zhan, god.” He increased the speed of his fist slightly, letting himself really get into it. “I can just picture you. You must look so fucking hot.”

“Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan groaned.

Wei Ying smiled. “Yeah, Lan Zhan, I’m here.”

“Wei Ying, can I see?”

He felt a flash of heat and a curl of fear rocket through him. He wanted Lan Zhan to see. Just the thought of Lan Zhan seeing him touching himself was… god, it was so hot. But they hadn’t talked about pictures.

Wei Ying licked his lips. “Yeah, okay, one sec.”

He pushed his joggers down under his balls, so they pushed everything up and really put him on display. He pulled his t-shirt up a little more as well, giving a clear view of his stomach and the line of dark hair that people usually seemed to like. He wrapped one hand back around his cock, stroking it again, while he picked his phone up and opened the camera. He was about to take a photo when a thought occurred. He punched out a breath, hearing Lan Zhan do the same, and flicked his phone over to video.

Wei Ying hit record and let himself really feel it. His hand on his cock, moving back and forth. His hips, grinding in time with his fist, stomach muscles rolling. His breathing, coming faster. He let out a breathy ‘Lan Zhan’ before he stopped recording and sent it before he could think too much about it.

“Sent.”

Wei Ying heard a slight rustling as Lan Zhan picked up his phone. There was a couple of seconds pause and then a sudden rush of breath from Lan Zhan.

“Wei Ying, fuck.”

Wei Ying laughed, shaking slightly. “Lan Zhan, you swore.” Lan Zhan’s breathing was getting faster. “Do you like it?” Lan Zhan made a noise of assent, but Wei Ying could tell he was getting to the point where words would be a struggle. “Do you like looking at me, Lan Zhan?” Wei Ying was picturing it. Lan Zhan on his bed, watching the video of Wei Ying stroking himself, writhing, saying Lan Zhan’s name. Lan Zhan stroking himself, getting himself off while watching Wei Ying.

Lan Zhan’s breathing got faster and faster until all at once he went silent, followed by a deep, breathy groan. Wei Ying’s hips jerked. “Fuck, Lan Zhan, did you just-“

Wei Ying came, hard. He had no idea what sounds he was making, but part of him suspected that he had been loud. It had been a long time since just jerking himself off had resulted in such an intense orgasm.

“Fuck.”

Wei Ying burst out laughing, the release of tension making him feel almost giddy. “Lan Zhan! That’s twice you’ve sworn. I’m so disappointed in your language.”

“Mn.” Lan Zhan didn’t sound upset about Wei Ying’s censure. He sounded sleepy, and a little smug.

Wei Ying’s phone pinged and he looked down automatically, tilting it up with his clean hand so he could see. His eyes widened when he saw that Lan Zhan had sent him a photo. It showed Lan Zhan’s stomach and cock, a similar angle to Wei Ying’s video. In it he could see Lan Zhan’s cock, hand wrapped around it, and come spent on Lan Zhan’s stomach.

He felt a spasm rock through his cock, whole body twitching with it. “Ahhhh, Lan Zhan. Wow, shit.” It was so hot. Lan Zhan had come to Wei Ying’s video, then sent a photo of it. It was so dirty. Way more dirty than Wei Ying had thought Lan Zhan was.

“That’s what you do to me, Wei Ying.” Lan Zhan sounded very serious now.

Wei Ying sighed. Now that he was coming down off his high and no longer thinking with his horny brain, it didn’t seem like such a good idea. What were they doing?

And yet Wei Ying knew that he wouldn’t stop the phone calls with Lan Zhan, and now would want to do this every time. He knew he would think about this later. Part of him was already planning the possible photos and texts he could send Lan Zhan, so he would wake up to them.

He sighed again. “You do it to me too.”

“Wei Ying-“

Wei Ying cut him off. “Yeah, Lan Zhan, me too.”

After that, they ended every phone call the same way.

Wei Ying thought that Lan Zhan would be his dirty little secret, but the next time he saw Wen Qing she immediately sat him down. Wen Ning was still stirring dinner; it was one of his rare evenings off.

“What’s happened?” she asked. Wei Ying pulled a face, trying to pretend he didn’t know what she was talking about. “Cut the shit, A-Yu. What’s happened with your phone guy.”

“His name is Lan Zhan.” Wei Ying tried to sound affronted, but it was clear it wasn’t working. “Nothing has happened. We’re still talking regularly.”

Half a truth could hide a lie. ‘Regularly’ was the truth, even if it didn’t indicate the reality that they were talking every day. And left out a major part.

“A-Yu.”

Wen Qing didn’t say anything else. She didn’t have to; her unimpressed face was more of a weapon than any sharp words.

Wei Ying threw up his hand. “Fine! Okay, we had phone sex.”

Wen Ning turned around, looking far more shocked than someone who owned a sex shop had any right to. “A-Yu!”

“You ‘had phone sex’,” Wen Qing repeated. “Just once?”

Wei Ying thought he would try to bluff through, then buried his face in his hands. “No, more than once.” He swallowed. “Every time we talk now, actually.”

He didn’t know what he was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t Wen Qing letting out a sigh and sitting next to him, placing her hand on his shoulder.

“A-Yu.” Wei Ying looked up at her, shocked to see a sad expression on her face. “How long are you going to do this to yourself?”

He shook his head. “Do what?”

Wen Qing sighed again. “You clearly really like this man.” Wei Ying nodded. He really did. “You talk to him all the time. You talk about him all the time. If he talks to you this much, and even has phone sex with you every single call now, he clearly likes you a lot too.”

There was no flaw in her logic. Lan Zhan’s actions all spoke to him caring a lot for Wei Ying. Wanting him a lot. He had also said as much, openly. Honestly. “Yeah, I think he does.”

Wen Qing waved an open palm at him. “See? But still you’re just doing phone calls. Why haven’t you invited him to stay?” Wei Ying opened his mouth but Wen Qing went on. “Even if it’s too far to come straight away, you could plan for him to visit. And giving him your location would show a lot of trust.”

Wei Ying closed his eyes. Wen Qing was right. “But, what if…”

Wen Qing waited for him to finish talking, then continued when it was clear he wasn’t going to carry on. “Yes, ‘what if’? What if your aunt finds out? What if Lan Zhan tells your brother and sister?”

“Lan Zhan wouldn’t tell them.” Wei Ying felt he had to defend Lan Zhan on that front.

Wen Qing smiled, her deadly smile for when she knew she was right. “So then, if Lan Zhan won’t tell anyone, how could your aunt find out?”

Wei Ying thought back to the appointments with Wen Wing’s colleague. To the discussions of his ability to accurately assess risk when it came to Auntie Yu. But this wasn’t the time to get into it. He didn’t want to ruin their dinner by ruminating on it, rather than enjoying their company.

“I’ll think about it.” Wen Qing opened her mouth but Wei Ying cut her off this time. “I’ll think about it, Qing-jie, I promise.”

Wen Qing nodded, satisfied. She patted his arm and stood up.

Wei Ying sat back in his chair, then remembered something. “Oh! Want to hear something weird from counselling?”

Wen Qing just raised an eyebrow and started laying the table, but Wen Ning turned around again, smiling. “Always!”

Wei Ying pointed at him and said, “This is why A-Ning is my favourite,” to Wen Qing. She pulled a face at him. And thrust some bowls into his hand for the table.

“So,” Wei Ying continued, trying to make it sound dramatic and exciting. “Auntie Yu is comparable to dogs in my head.”

Wen Ning started bringing the dishes over to the table, arranging them in the centre. “You’re calling your aunt a dog?”

Wei Ying laughed. “No! Not that. Just, when my mind thinks of her, it puts her in a similar place in my head as my fear of dogs. A strong, irrational, and overwhelming fear.” He was quoting his counsellor for the last part.

Both Wen Qing and Wen Ning laughed, which was the reaction that Wei Ying had been going for. Lighten the mood somewhat, while still fulfilling his reassure-the-family-about-mental health-progression quota.

“Are the appointments helping?” Wen Qing asked, sitting down and holding a bowl out to him.

Wei Ying nodded emphatically as they all started serving out the food. “Hugely. The fear feels less immediate now.” He spooned a large number of mushrooms into Wen Ning’s bowl, who pushed the hongshao rou back at him. “Hmmmm,” he tapped his chin. “It’s more like the memory of fear instead.”

The siblings smiled at him with matching fondness. Wei Ying smiled back, and started to eat.

Wei Ying stared at his phone and thought about his conversation with Wen Qing the night before. About his counselling, and the things they processed and talked about. He took a swig from his beer bottle and sat back on the sofa. It was two hours until his and Lan Zhan’s usual call time. The highlight of his day.

They could carry on like this. Lan Zhan had made it clear that he wanted only what Wei Ying was willing to give. The question Wei Ying was asking himself was, what could he risk?

Even a few months ago the risk felt overwhelming, impossible. But it was changing. Could he offer a future to Lan Zhan? Tell him where Wei Ying was, show that trust? Lan Zhan wouldn’t breach it. He would respect Wei Ying and not share that knowledge unless given permission. It would mean so much to Lan Zhan. Wei Ying wanted to show Lan Zhan that he trusted him.

He took another swig of his beer and reached out to put it on the coffee table, missing the coaster but not caring right then about the comments the ring would cause. He picked up his phone with a shaking hand, took a deep breath, and texted his address to Lan Zhan.

The message sent.

Fear crawled up into Wei Ying’s throat. Suddenly he didn’t want to see if Lan Zhan had read the message; he couldn’t. He switched off his phone and threw it back on the coffee table. It skittered across and fell off the other side, onto the floor. Wei Ying left it, feeling sick and terrified.

It was too much. Wei Ying climbed out onto the roof and sat with his arms wrapped around his knees. He sat until he knew it must be long past the time that Lan Zhan would usually call. He would have tried a number of times and, hearing it go straight to voicemail over and over, would likely have left a message.

Wei Ying thought about his phone, still switched off and on the floor.

He was a coward. He couldn’t even bring himself to speak to Lan Zhan, or listen to a voice message. He showed Lan Zhan trust with one hand, and denied it with the other.

When the evening got too chilly, Wei Ying climbed back inside. He picked up his phone from the floor and held it for a few moments. Then he put it on the table, still switched off, and dropped onto the sofa. It was getting late, but sleep felt so far away. Talking to Lan Zhan, phone sex, then shower and bed had become his routine. He was sleeping better than he had in years. Now that he had broken the routine, he felt off-kilter.

Wei Ying turned on the tv and browsed until he found something suitably mindless to watch.

He had just started to feel a little tired when the door knocked. Wei Ying huffed and levered himself up off the sofa. It wasn’t the outside buzzer, so it was likely Wen Ning. He had a key, but refused to use it, despite Wei Ying having told him repeatedly that he was welcome to. Wen Ning took being a landlord very seriously.

He shoved his hair back off his forehead as he trudged across to the door. Wen Ning also usually texted to say bye in the evenings, unless they had specific plans, but if he saw that the message hadn’t been received, maybe he had started to worry.

Wei Ying tugged open the door, ready to tell Wen Ning that he was fine, really, then stopped.

Lan Zhan.

Lan Zhan was at his door.

Wei Ying couldn’t quite process it. It couldn’t be Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan was in Beijing. Lan Zhan would have had to press the buzzer and be let into the building. It had to be Wen Ning and Wei Ying was just hallucinating.

“Wei Ying.” Lan Zhan smiled. “Your friend let me up.”

Wei Ying’s held breath rushed out of him at the words. It was Lan Zhan’s voice. There was no doubt. Lan Zhan was here.

Without thinking Wei Ying reached out, like he was planning to touch Lan Zhan and make sure he was definitely real. As he did he realised how much he was shaking and pulled his hand back to his chest.

“Lan Zhan.”

Now that he was looking properly he could see differences that proved this was actually Lan Zhan and not some stress-induced hallucination. He seemed slightly taller and his hair was different. It was still long, but shaved at the sides and up in a ponytail. He was wearing a dark grey suit, slightly rumpled but still gorgeous.

Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan was here.

Wei Ying shook with the urge to run, to hide. Lan Zhan couldn’t be here. It was wrong. He wasn’t allowed… His heart was beating too hard, he felt like he was panting. His chest hurt and he gripped at it, feeling dizzy.

Oh god, he was having a heart attack. He was finally seeing Lan Zhan for the first time in ten years and it was causing him to have a heart attack. Auntie Yu had been right; this was his punishment for reconnecting with Lan Zhan. For breaking her rules. He would die here, on his floor, Lan Zhan watching.

Wei Ying staggered backwards, out of the door and back towards his sofa. If he could just… He collapsed onto it.

“Wei Ying?” Lan Zhan sounded worried. Of course he should be worried, Wei Ying was having a heart attack. He was thirty one. Who had a heart attack at thirty one?

“I’m, I’m…” Wei Ying waved his arms around, trying to get Lan Zhan to understand that he should leave, that him being here was clearly causing this, that Auntie Yu had been right all along. That Wei Ying was selfish and needy, and was now paying the price.

Lan Zhan disappeared from his line of sight, and for a few seconds Wei Ying thought that he had understood. That Lan Zhan had left. He thought it would make him feel better, but he just felt sick instead. Then Lan Zhan popped back into his view holding a paper bag; part of Wei Ying recognised it as one of the ones he had previously stolen from Wen Ning’s stash downstairs. Luckily the logo was very discreet.

“Wei Ying, breathe into this.” Lan Zhan pressed the paper bag up to his mouth, bunched up so he could cup it around his mouth. Wei Ying fumbled to hold it himself, confusion finally giving way to understanding.

A panic attack.

Lan Zhan thought he was having a panic attack. Could he be having a panic attack? It was much more likely than a heart attack at his age. But how could a panic attack feel like this? So much like he was dying?

Lan Zhan cleared a space on the coffee table and sat on it, facing Wei Ying as he shook on the sofa, breathing in and out of the bag. Wei Ying watched, slightly detached, as Lan Zhan reached out with his hands, hesitated, pulled them back, then finally seemed to make a decision and slid them onto Wei Ying’s knees. The touch felt… good. Grounding. Lan Zhan stroked his palms up and down Wei Ying’s thighs while quietly telling him to breathe in, hold it, breathe out.

After a few minutes the heavy feeling in Wei Ying’s chest started to retreat. He kept following along with Lan Zhan’s softly spoken instructions, breathing steadily. His heart slowed down and he felt less like he was about to shake apart.

Wei Ying kept the bag up at his face past the point that he knew he didn’t need it anymore. He was looking down, between Lan Zhan’s slightly parted knees. Lan Zhan. Here. Lan Zhan was in Shanghai, was in Wei Ying’s apartment, and what had Wei Ying done? Had a fucking panic attack.

He was beyond mortified.

Finally, unable to hide anymore, he looked up at Lan Zhan. bringing the bag down. “Lan Zhan, I’m-“

“Do not apologise.” Lan Zhan cut him off. “I should have warned you I was coming.”

“No!” Wei Ying reached out and covered Lan Zhan’s hands with his own. He noticed he was still shaking slightly. “No, Lan Zhan. I gave you my address. I mean, I thought you might use it to maybe send me something, and not to just” - he waved a hand - “turn up on my doorstep hours later, but…” He shrugged, then shook his head. “I didn’t know that would happen, though.”

“Mn.” Lan Zhan turned his hands over so that their palms were resting together. Wei Ying felt slightly light-headed at the touch.

“I thought I was having a heart attack,” Wei Ying confessed, mouth running away with him, as it always did when he didn’t know what to say. This was Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan, who he’d had phone sex with. Multiple times. Lan Zhan, holding his hands. He stared down at them.

Lan Zhan nodded. “Yes, it is a common feeling when having a panic attack. I remember my first one.” Wei Ying’s eyes snapped up to Lan Zhan’s face as he spoke. “It was very frightening until I found out what it was.”

“You have panic attacks?” Wei Ying felt slightly incredulous. Lan Zhan always seemed like he had everything together. Under control. Granted that had been his first panic attack, but it had not felt anything like control.

Lan Zhan nodded again, though. “Mn. Used to, often.” He stood up, releasing Wei Ying’s hands. Wei Ying almost grabbed him to hold him in place. “I will get you some water.”

Wei Ying slumped back on the sofa, feeling that bitter tang of sour adrenaline in his limbs. Part of him still wanted to run, to hide. Auntie Yu would know, somehow. She would…

He tried to remember his counselling. What could she do? Yanli lived with her husband. They had a son. Jiang Cheng lived in his own place, running a business and doubtless playing his own bills. Auntie Yu couldn’t cut them off. The worst she could do now was to stop seeing them. And while Wei Ying would be devastated for them losing their mother, it wasn’t quite the specter of horrible consequences that his fears wanted to latch onto.

The logic made him feel a lot better. Less fearful of unknown consequences. More rational.

Lan Zhan handed him a glass of water and Wei Ying sipped it, the cool taste feeling nice in his dry mouth. He sipped again, then gulped a few mouthfuls.

“Slowly.” Lan Zhan’s voice was still low, rumbly. Comforting.

Wei Ying sipped again as Lan Zhan’s hands slid back onto his thighs. Wei Ying leaned over to put the glass on the coffee table. Lan Zhan moved it further away from where he was sitting in case it got knocked over. Wei Ying smiled. That was Lan Zhan.

“Lan Zhan, you’re here.”

“Mn.” Lan Zhan smiled at him. Wei Ying couldn’t help but smile back.

“You’re here.” Lan Zhan nodded. “How?”

Lan Zhan looked away, then back. “Flight.”

Wei Ying was glad that his ability to read Lan Zhan hadn’t completely gone in ten years. “A flight. Lan Zhan, it’s an almost three hour flight from Beijing! I messaged you” - he checked his watch - “five hours ago!”

“Mn.” Wei Ying kept staring until Lan Zhan realised he was not just going to accept that for an answer. He huffed a little sigh. It was cute. “I managed to get a last-minute space.”

Wei Ying kept staring. “Lan Zhan, you must have left straight away.” He looked over at the suitcase that Lan Zhan had left by the front door, which was still sitting open. “How did you even have time to pack?”

Lan Zhan looked slightly awkward, but still answered. “I travel often for work. I am used to packing quickly and efficiently.”

Wei Ying laughed. He still felt the fear, the years-long anxiety, but looking at Lan Zhan’s determined and embarrassed face made it seem somehow more manageable. “Lan Zhan. You’re here.” This time Wei Ying was saying it with wonder. He had thought that Lan Zhan might send him flowers. Or some weirdly expensive gift that he would have to try and refuse. That they would negotiate Lan Zhan coming to visit. How could he have anticipated Lan Zhan coming all this way in the moment he got Wei Ying’s address?

Lan Zhan’s smile was back. “Mn.”

Wei Ying leaned forward and Lan Zhan mirrored him. Before he was even really aware what he was doing Wei Ying had his arms wrapped around Lan Zhan’s shoulders, pulling him in close and burying his face against Lan Zhan’s neck. “You’re here.” Lan Zhan’s arms slipped around Wei Ying’s waist and back, palms pressing strong and firm. Lan Zhan ducked his head to press his nose behind Wei Ying’s ear and inhaled deeply.

Wei Ying inhaled Lan Zhan’s smell in return. It felt overwhelming with its familiarity. Lan Zhan. It reminded him of hours in Lan Zhan’s room, playing music or studying. Wei Ying teasing Lan Zhan, and Lan Zhan tolerating him. Or, well, now he knew that he hadn’t been tolerated. He had been loved.

He pulled back and Lan Zhan released his grip, but kept his hands on Wei Ying’s waist. Wei Ying reached up and cupped Lan Zhan’s face. He looked into his eyes, like he was trying to see the truth in there. Lan Zhan had dropped everything to jump straight on a plane and travel hundreds of miles just to see Wei Ying as soon as he possibly could.

Looking at Lan Zhan he felt the old fear rising up, threatening him, shouting at him to run, to hide, but Wei Ying pushed it away. Auntie Yu wasn’t here. Lan Zhan was here. Right here. With him.

Lan Zhan looked back at him, eyes clear and full of a sort of desperation. Wei Ying leaned in and kissed him.

It was a soft, gentle press of their lips, dry and chaste. Lan Zhan made a sound, almost just an exhalation, but it made something pulse in Wei Ying’s gut. He leaned in again, but this time Lan Zhan’s lips were parted and the kiss was deeper. It was still soft, still careful and steady, but Wei Ying could feel Lan Zhan’s hot breaths. The sour adrenaline feeling drained away, replaced by a heat pooling, deep and low.

Lan Zhan shifted, moving to sit next to Wei Ying on the sofa, and they pressed closer. Lan Zhan’s hands were hot on Wei Ying’s sides, gripping him tight. When Lan Zhan’s tongue touched against Wei Ying’s lower lip, all the fear and anxiety seemed to slip away. He pushed up and swung his leg over Lan Zhan’s hips and settled himself astride Lan Zhan, rocking forward and sighing happily to feel that Lan Zhan was also getting hard from just this.

The angle meant that Wei Ying could look down on Lan Zhan, who tilted his head up readily as Wei Ying deepened the kiss. It felt amazing. This was Lan Zhan with his tongue in Wei Ying’s mouth, his broad hands on Wei Ying’s ass, and his dick hard under Wei Ying’s rocking hips. Wei Ying felt like he could do this for hours. It felt like they had been doing it for hours.

Wei Ying was just getting into an excellent rhythm that was lighting up his entire spine, while also making Lan Zhan twitch beautifully, when Lan Zhan turned his head out of the kiss and stilled Wei Ying’s hips with his hands.

“Wei Ying, wait.”

Wei Ying kissed down Lan Zhan’s jaw. “Why?”

“The door is open.” Wei Ying made a dismissive noise and continued kissing Lan Zhan, dragging his nose being Lan Zhan’s ear, delighting in the taste and smell. “Wei Ying.”

Wei Ying sat back with a slight huff. “Lan Zhan, no one else lives up here. You’d have to get through the door downstairs to the street, or come through the locked shop to even make it to here.” He pressed a kiss to Lan Zhan’s lips. “No one will see us.”

“Mn.” Lan Zhan kissed him back. “Still, this is not a good idea.” Wei Ying disagreed. It was by far and away the best idea he’d ever had and he pushed his hips forward again to prove it. Lan Zhan gasped, but again stilled him. “Wei Ying, no.”

Wei Ying huffed again. “Lan Zhan, did you really come all this way just to say no?”

Lan Zhan reached up and pushed Wei Ying’s hair back from his face. “I came all this way to see you.” Wei Ying smiled, his heart turning over painfully. “But you just had a panic attack at my arrival and will be exhausted. This is not a good way to recover from that.” He looked at Wei Ying, eyes bright. “We have all the time that we want for other things.”

Wei Ying felt shaky again. He licked his lips. He didn’t want to think, he wanted to go back to kissing Lan Zhan. He rolled his hips slowly across Lan Zhan’s hard cock. “I can feel that you want this.”

Lan Zhan threaded his fingers into Wei Ying’s hair and then gripped, holding him tight. Wei Ying’s breath sped up. “Of course I do.” He kissed Wei Ying with heat, but then pulled away again, loosing his grip on Wei Ying’s hair and running a soothing hand down to cup the back of Wei Ying’s neck. “But I want to take care of you. You are not okay.”

Wei Ying felt pierced by the words. Seen. Perceived. He wanted to deny it. To claim that he was fine, thank you, that his only problem was that Lan Zhan didn’t seem to be up for Wei Ying sucking his dick. But it wasn’t true. He knew it wasn’t true. Wei Ying clenched his teeth against a sudden pricking in his throat. Tears sprang up in his eyes and he looked up, trying to blink them away.

“I’m fine,” Wei Ying managed to grit out.

Lan Zhan stroked firm hands up his back. “Wei Ying, it’s okay to not be fine.”

Wei Ying closed his eyes and tumbled forward to hide his eyes against Lan Zhan’s neck. Why couldn’t he have just let them fuck on the couch? That would have felt so much better than this.

“Lan Zhan - “ Wei Ying started, but Lan Zhan kissed the side of his head. It was such a tender thing, affectionate and caring. Wei Ying felt his resilience crumble and he wept hot, embarrassed tears into Lan Zhan’s shoulder. Lan Zhan held him close, arms around him and hands stroking his back and his neck. He sang softly, something Wei Ying recognised, and pressed small kisses to any part of Wei Ying he could reach.

After long minutes Wei Ying’s breathing started to return to normal, but he didn’t want to move. Lan Zhan was so warm. His touch and smell comforted Wei Ying in a way he couldn’t explain. Lan Zhan also seemed happy to remain, hands stroking gently, seeming tireless. It was only when Lan Zhan spoke that Wei Ying realised that he had been on the brink of falling asleep.

“We should go to bed,” Lan Zhan said.

Wei Ying sat up, blinking. “Fuck, yes, sorry. I’m a terrible host. I haven’t even offered you a drink.”

Lan Zhan didn’t let him go. “It’s okay, Wei Ying. I can manage.”

They both climbed to their feet, and Lan Zhan led Wei Ying over to his bed. When Wei Ying protested that he should help Lan Zhan get settled, Lan Zhan insisted. It was only when Wei Ying pointed out that he needed to brush his teeth that Lan Zhan allowed him out of his firm grip.

Ablutions complete, Wei Ying pulled on some pyjama bottoms to sleep in, then curled up in bed, waiting. He watched, eyes half-lidded while Lan Zhan closed the door, retrieved his suitcase, pulled out his own bits and pieces. He disappeared into the bathroom, the sound of the shower lulling Wei Ying even further. Lan Zhan reappeared looking fresh and damp.

When Lan Zhan finally climbed into the bed Wei Ying rolled sleepily towards him. Lan Zhan wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close, dropping a sweet kiss on his forehead. Wei Ying tried to say something, but he felt almost drugged by how tired he was. It came out as a mumble against Lan Zhan’s skin.

“Sleep, Wei Ying. We can talk in the morning.”

Lan Zhan kissed him again, and Wei Ying let himself finally fall asleep.

Wei Ying woke up slowly, brain not quite registering the sounds he was hearing. He was warm, buried under his blankets, with his face pressed into one of his pillows. A pillow that smelled like…

Wei Ying blinked his eyes open. Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan was here. Lan Zhan had been in the bed with him. They had fallen asleep wrapped in each other’s arms. Had he left? Had Lan Zhan woken up and realised that he didn’t want to be here?

Suddenly the soft noises that Wei Ying could hear resolved and made sense. He could hear Lan Zhan in his small kitchen. There was the clatter of utensils and dishware. Of water. And, now that his nose was out of the pillow, the smell of food.

Wei Ying’s stomach growled.

He rolled out of bed, feet chilly on the bare wooden floor. He debated socks for a split second, but he wanted to see Lan Zhan more. Wei Ying padded across to the kitchen to find Lan Zhan still in his soft pyjama bottoms and t-shirt, cooking. He turned slightly at some small sound or sign that Wei Ying was there, and a tiny smile crossed his lips.

“Good morning, Wei Ying.” He smiled again, and turned back to the stove.

Wei Ying grinned. “Good morning, Lan Zhan.” He hesitated for a moment, but then walked behind Lan Zhan, and slipped his arms around his waist, hooking his chin over Lan Zhan’s shoulder. “What are you making?”

Lan Zhan continued cooking with one hand, and ran the other one over Wei Ying’s arms. “Breakfast.” He turned his head and Wei Ying took the hint, kissing him, slow and satisfying, despite the awkward angle.

“Mmmmm, morning.” Wei Ying kissed him again.

“You already said that.” Lan Zhan put down the spatula and turned in Wei Ying’s arms, wrapping his own around Wei Ying. He smoothed his warm hands over Wei Ying’s bare back, stroking up and down.

“I did.” Wei Ying wasn’t even really focusing on what he was saying. There was a beautiful man in his apartment, making him breakfast. Lan Zhan, who he had been in love with since he was a teenager. Lan Zhan who seemed very happy to have Wei Ying in his arms, kissing him.

The kisses changed, morphing from slow, unhurried morning kisses into something deeper, more heated. Wei Ying was about to suggest that they turn off the cooker and go back to bed when Lan Zhan pulled away.

“Breakfast will burn,” he said.

Wei Ying leaned in and tilted his head, kissing Lan Zhan’s throat. “I don’t care right now.”

Lan Zhan smiled, but carefully disentangled himself from Wei Ying’s arms and turned back to the stove. “You can lay the table.” Wei Ying sighed dramatically, but turned to do as he had been asked. “And put a top on.”

Wei Ying grinned. “Do I distract you, Lan Zhan?”

Lan Zhan glanced over at him, eyes dragging across Wei Ying’s skin, then away again. “Mn.”

Wei Ying skipped happily over to his drawers and pulled out a t-shirt to pull on. He picked one that he knew hugged him tight in all the right places. He wanted Lan Zhan’s eyes on him. Then he laid the table, pulling out chopsticks and dishes to eat from, boiling the water for tea. He was just pouring it when Lan Zhan brought breakfast over to the table.

Wei Ying’s eyes widened. “Lan Zhan, you made jianbing? I didn’t even know I had the ingredients!”

Lan Zhan looked slightly embarrassed, his ears going red. “You did. I remembered that you liked them for breakfast.”

“I do, but it’s a lot of effort to go to at home. I usually just have congee. That would have been fine, you know.” Wei Ying picked up the hot food, making small pained sounds as it burned his fingers, but he still took a bite, keeping his mouth open to let air pass over it.

“I wanted to make it.” Lan Zhan was more careful with his own, waiting for it to cool a little before taking a smaller bite.

They ate in companionable silence. Lan Zhan was always quiet when he ate, but Wei Ying usually kept up a running dialogue. He was too invested in eating, however, devouring bite after bite. It wasn’t that he couldn't get jianbing in Shanghai, but this was Lan Zhan’s jianbing, made specifically for Wei Ying. He had never tasted anything so wonderful.

Lan Zhan looked pleased as he sipped his tea and ate placidly.

After eating Wei Ying was unsure what to do next. He knew what he wanted to do: drag Lan Zhan back to bed. But was that what Lan Zhan wanted? He had put the brakes on last night and then again this morning; did Lan Zhan want to take things slow?

While Wei Ying was floundering, Lan Zhan sat on the sofa and looked over at Wei Ying pointedly. Wei Ying shook himself off and walked over, taking Lan Zhan’s proffered hand. Lan Zhan leaned back, shifting until he was lying on his back on the sofa. He pulled Wei Ying until he was settled on top of him.

“I’m too heavy,” Wei Ying complained.

“You are not.” Lan Zhan tilted his head, a request. Wei Ying leaned down and kissed him.

It was unbelievable. Here he was, on the sofa he had spent hours on talking to Lan Zhan, kissing him. Actually touching him. Wei Ying shifted, feeling Lan Zhan hard against him. He broke the kiss, trying to stifle helpless giggles.

“Wei Ying?” Lan Zhan looked confused. It made Wei Ying laugh more, even as he tried to kiss Lan Zhan again. The giggles kept coming back.

“Sorry, sorry.” Wei Ying buried his face against Lan Zhan’s neck. Lan Zhan stroked his hand up and down Wei Ying’s back. “It’s just-“ he broke off again, trying to stop laughing. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply. “It’s just that you’re hard.”

“You are too.” Lan Zhan sounded slightly petulant. It made Wei Ying laugh more.

“I know, I know!” He kissed Lan Zhan’s adam’s apple. “But you’re Lan Zhan. You’re so proper and reserved.” He sputtered out another giggle. “And you’re hard! It’s just...weird.”

Lan Zhan glared at him for a few moments. It didn’t help Wei Ying’s hysteria. Then Lan Zhan ran both hands down Wei Ying’s back and slipped them under the waistband of Wei Ying’s pyjama bottoms, gripping his ass. He rolled his hips up while he pulled Wei Ying down against him.

Wei Ying’s giggles gave way to a gasp as the motion pressed them together. Lan Zhan’s cock pressed against his own.

“Fuck.” Wei Ying’s giggles were gone. “Lan Zhan, Fuck.” Wei Ying pushed down harder, closing his eyes again at the intensity of the pleasure he felt.

“Wei Ying, kiss me.”

Wei Ying lifted his head and kissed Lan Zhan, thrusting his hips down again. Lan Zhan’s own rose to meet him, and they were in a rhythm. Wei Ying wanted to get Lan Zhan’s top off, to see and touch his bare chest. He wanted to get Lan Zhan totally naked. But those things would require stopping, and no part of Wei Ying wanted that.

“Fuck.” Wei Ying dragged out the word, lips still brushing across Lan Zhan’s. Every time they pulled apart slightly to change angles on the kiss, Lan Zhan’s eyes popped open and his dark gaze bored into Wei Ying. It was like he couldn’t take his eyes off Wei Ying, even when his hands were everywhere.

Wei Ying was pretty sure he was going to come in his pyjamas, but he didn’t care. It was probably time to put them in the wash anyway. He just wanted this. He wanted Lan Zhan’s cock, a hard line against his own. The sweet, undulating friction.

Lan Zhan’s mouth moved away, open and wet against Wei Ying’s cheek. Lan Zhan was gasping, quiet sounds of desperation expelled with every breath. Wei Ying recognised them; he had heard them every night just before Lan Zhan came. God, Lan Zhan was going to come. He was going to come and Wei Ying was going to see it. To be able to watch his face.

They moved together, bodies thrusting frantically, rutting against each other like horny teenagers. Wei Ying almost wanted to laugh again as he realised he might not make it until Lan Zhan came; he was too close himself.

Wei Ying tried to hold himself back, desperate to make it until he could see Lan Zhan’s face. He didn’t need to wait, though. Lan Zhan’s panting stuttered to a halt as he jerked underneath Wei Ying, hips pushing his cock up and forcing it hard against Wei Ying’s. He wanted to stop, to give Lan Zhan a second to bask in his orgasm, but he was too close. His hips snapped, thrusting deeply against the cradle of Lan Zhan’s.

He started to feel himself coming, then there was a knock at the door.

The part of Wei Ying’s brain that could still process thought realised that this really must be Wen Ning this time. It was the worst timing for any interruption, ever.

Wei Ying gasped out “FUCK,” as an objection, but as he did his orgasm overwhelmed him, and the word was drawn out, long and loud. He shuddered, twitching helplessly against Lan Zhan, riding the intense pleasure.

Finally he collapsed again Lan Zhan, still trembling, and feeling Lan Zhan’s laboured breathing in turn.

“Fucking A-Ning,” Wei Ying managed to say, part laughter. “What fucking timing.”

Lan Zhan was still breathless, and tucked his head into Wei Ying’s shoulder, kissing him on the skin next to the t-shirt collar. “Will he go away?”

Wei Ying thought for a second, then shook his head. “No. He’s probably come before opening the shop to check that everything’s okay, after letting you in last night.” Wei Ying sighed. “If I don’t answer he might get worried.” He pulled himself away to look down at Lan Zhan. “He has a key.”

Lan Zhan huffed, then shifted so that Wei Ying could get up. As he did a louder knock rattled the door.

Wei Ying staggered across to the door, very aware of how shaky his legs were and the dampness of his pyjama bottoms. He angled himself behind the door and opened it the tiniest crack.

Wen Ning’s face was red with the deepest blush he had ever seen on his friend. His friend who owned a sex shop and read books on sex and sexuality all the time. Wei Ying peered through the gap in the door.

“Um, hi A-Ning.” He waved an awkward hand.

“Hi, A-Yu. I’m really sorry, I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

Wei Ying couldn’t be annoyed. Wen Ning had stayed to check on him, even after he would have very clearly heard...what he had heard.

“Ahhhh, I’m fine. Lan Zhan is here, which is…” He waved the hand again. “Also fine.”

“Okay!” Wen Ning sounded slightly manic. “I’ll just go and open the shop.” He stood for a second, then spoke again. “Bye.”

“Bye!” Wei Ying could feel his hysteria building back up.

Wen Ning walked to the top of the stairs, however, just as Wei Ying was about to close the door again and get the hell out of his sopping pyjama bottoms, Wen Ning turned back.

“Jiejie says you have bring Lan Zhan to dinner tonight.” Wei Ying groaned. “She insisted, A-Yu.”

Wei Ying waved his hand in reassurance. “Fine, fine.”

Wen Ning turned away again and went down the stairs. Wei Ying closed the door and leaned against it. He closed his eyes and huffed out a breath. When he opened them Lan Zhan was in front of him. He held out a hand.

“Come on, let’s shower.”

Wei Ying grinned. “Absolutely.”

He took Lan Zhan’s hand and let himself be led to the bathroom.

For lunch Wei Ying took Lan Zhan out into Shanghai. He wasn’t ready to introduce Lan Zhan to the people he knew nearby and have to answer their questions, so they walked further afield. Wei Ying tried to stop himself, but still ended up pointing out places he knew and telling stories associated with them. Lan Zhan listened and hummed acknowledgement, occasionally asking questions to send Wei Ying back off into another tale.

Wei Ying had forgotten just how little Lan Zhan actually spoke in person. It wasn’t like he was chatty on the phone, but he had to say more. In person he often relied on a carefully raised eyebrow, or a frown. Wei Ying smiled to remember their familiar patterns. They both seemed to slip so easily into them.

By the time they reached some of Wei Ying’s favourite stalls, Wei Ying was ravenous. Lan Zhan was also eying up various options and turning his head at the smells. Wei Ying grabbed them shengjianbao. They were so cheap, but tasty. He had fallen in love with them back when how much he could buy for very little was important to him. This time Lan Zhan insisted on paying, even though Wei Ying could more than afford it now. They also picked up some cong you bing after Lan Zhan couldn’t stop staring at them.

They took the food into a nearby park and sat eating. Lan Zhan seemed equally drawn to looking at Wei Ying and staring around at Shanghai.

Wei Ying grinned. “It’s a beautiful city, right Lan Zhan?” Lan Zhan hummed agreement, and Wei Ying felt oddly proud of his adopted home. He wondered if Lan Zhan might be put off if he suggested yaxue fensi tang for later. He was just excited to get this chance to show Shanghai off. “Did you ever think that I could be here of all places?”

Growing up in Beijing there had been a snobbery about Shanghai. It had been one of the reasons he had chosen it; few people would think that he would choose to move there.

Wei Ying expected Lan Zhan to agree, but he turned his head away instead, as though he were looking at the distant buildings.

“Lan Zhan?” When Lan Zhan still said nothing, taking a bite of his food and humming non-committedly, Wei Ying frowned. “Lan Zhan? Did you think I was in Shanghai?”

Lan Zhan finally looked at him and nodded. “I knew.”

“You knew?” Wei Ying asked. He was feeling pretty shocked. “How did you know?”

Lan Zhan looked uncomfortable, but he explained. “When you mentioned the time, it was always in the same time zone as me, which narrowed it down. You mentioned living above a sex shop in an area with a lot of gay night life. I took a chance on Shanghai first, because you would go where you were not expected, if you were hiding.” He looked at Wei Ying, then away again. “I looked up sex shops in the main gay areas of the city. One was registered as owned by a ‘Wen Ning’.” Lan Zhan paused. “‘A-Ning.”

Wei Ying stared at him for a few moments, unable to quite understand. “How long have you known?”

Lan Zhan ducked his head. “A while.”

“You didn’t say anything.”

Lan Zhan met his eyes again. “It was enough to know where you were. I didn’t want to breach your trust. Your boundaries.”

Wei Ying huffed a laugh. “Isn’t tracking me down like that breaching it?”

Lan Zhan shook his head. “I did not inform anyone, and did not use the information in any way, other than to give myself comfort.” He sighed, a deep and long breath. “But if it makes you feel uncomfortable, I apologise. I spent ten years using many methods to try and locate you. It has become… a habit.”

Wei Ying looked down at his own food. “I’m not uncomfortable.” It was true. He wasn’t. He trusted Lan Zhan. “I’m surprised, I guess. You knew where I was and you did nothing with it.” He looked at Lan Zhan, at his beloved face.

“It was enough. To know where you were.” Lan Zhan reached out and took Wei Ying’s hand, apparently not caring about the grease. “If you had stopped talking to me, I would still have been able to check that you were okay, even if you didn’t want to see me.”

Wei Ying felt a rise of guilt and shame in his chest. Lan Zhan, preparing in case Wei Ying disappeared again, like before. He had done so many bad things to people he loved.

He stopped himself. Wei Ying looked away from Lan Zhan and took a deep breath. He had made decisions in the past based on the information and feelings he’d had at the time. Lan Zhan understood and had forgiven him. It would not help to beat himself up every time it was referenced. He could not change the past.

Lan Zhan stayed silent, allowing Wei Ying to work through his thoughts and feelings. His hand was warm and his grip firm. Wei Ying squeezed his hand and Lan Zhan squeezed back. He finally looked back at Lan Zhan.

“I’m glad you knew.” He leaned in and kissed Lan Zhan. “I’m glad you figured it out.”

Lan Zhan smiled. “I’m glad you told me.”

Wei Ying smiled back.

Dinner with Wen Qing and Wen Ning was about as awkward as Wei Ying had anticipated. Everyone was civil, but the Wens were not used to Lan Zhan’s quiet stoicism, and were clearly unsure how much they could say to Lan Zhan about Wei Ying’s life in Shanghai.

Lan Zhan in turn was quieter than usual, and when Wei Ying managed to corner him on the way back from the bathroom, he explained that he wasn’t sure how much of Wei Ying’s previous life he could reveal.

Wen Qing was alternating between glaring at Lan Zhan, at Wei Ying and at her plate, when Wei Ying finally burst out laughing.

“Okay! Enough!” He threw down his chopsticks.”Alright, everyone listen up. I was Wei Ying and lived in Beijing. Lan Zhan was my best friend and I was secretly in love with him.” Wei Ying saw Lan Zhan’s mouth flick up into a there-and-gone smile. “All seemed okay until I had to leave, and hide where I had gone.” Maybe he would tell Lan Zhan the full story some day. “I arrived in Shanghai with almost no money - just what I had been able to grab before my bank accounts were frozen - no friends, no name.”

Wei Ying waited for a beat, but no one said anything, Everyone was watching him. “I managed to get a shitty job for shitty pay so I could spend too much money on a shitty apartment share, where the landlord was extremely creepy.”

Wei Ying sighed, gaze turning inwards. “I figured that I had no one left to shame with my needs and desires. So when I stumbled across a sex shop that leaned towards catering for queer people, hidden away in a side street, I pulled my courage around me and went in. I even asked for suggestions on what I was looking for.”

This time Wei Ying looked over at Wen Ning, who was smiling now. “The owner turned out to be an extremely nice person. Too nice! I left that day with a new and better job, and a new and better place to live.”

He reached out and put a hand on Wen Qing’s arm. He couldn’t reach Wen Ning. “I didn’t realise it yet, but I also got a new brother and a new sister.” A smile finally flickered over Wen Qing’s face.

“So there we are. Oh! And it turns out that Lan Zhan had secretly been in love with me, too. So that’s cool.” He looked over at Lan Zhan whose eyes softened into a fond, please look. He blinked at Wei Ying and then took his hand. Wei Ying gripped it. “Everyone up to speed? Can we eat without all the tension now?”

Wei Ying picked up his chopsticks in his other hand and took a deliberately large bite of food, chewing belligerently. Wen Ning broke into a grin and Wen Qing started laughing. Lan Zhan squeezed Wei Ying’s hand, then let go and picked up his own chopsticks.

The meal was much more relaxed after that. Lan Zhan still didn’t talk a lot, but it was a less uncomfortable quiet. Wen Ning and Wen Qing took it in turns to tell Lan Zhan stories about Wei Ying’s first few years in the city, Wei Ying weighing in regularly to correct a point, or object to them bullying him. Lan Zhan even told the story of the first time he and Wei Ying had met, albeit with Wei Ying providing most of the elaborating details.

When they were putting their jackets on to leave, Lan Zhan moved closer to Wen Qing and Wen Ning. He lowered his voice. “Thank you for looking after him.”

Wei Ying almost jerked around, but he didn’t want it to seem like he was listening in, even though he was. He turned to tilt his head closer, hoping to hear the response.

“You’re welcome,” Wen Qing said. “Thank you for coming to find him.”

“Always.”

As Lan Zhan turned back, Wei Ying tried to look as though he hadn’t heard the whole exchange, but when he met Lan Zhan’s eyes he knew he had failed. Wei Ying sniffed and reached out to take Lan Zhan’s hand.

“Come on, let’s go home.”

Wei Ying drifted into consciousness feeling warm. Lan Zhan was spooned up behind him, arm curled around Wei Ying’s middle. It was still dark and at first he wasn’t sure what had woken him, until he felt Lan Zhan shift and his hard cock pressed up against Wei Ying’s ass.

“It’s too early, Lan Zhan,” Wei Ying mumbled, smile nevertheless spreading.

Lan Zhan hummed. “Then why are you awake?” He trailed his hand down Wei Ying’s stomach, brushing his cock, which was rapidly getting interested in events.

“Because someone wakes up too early and is insatiable.” Wei Ying’s breath caught as Lan Zhan pressed a light kiss to his neck. Lan Zhan shifted his hips so that his cock slid between Wei Ying’s thighs. Lan Zhan’s breath caught and he pushed in tight. Wei Ying tried not to laugh, or gasp; it felt really good. Dry, but the friction was nice. “Lan Zhan, I am asleep.”

“That’s fine. You sleep. I can amuse myself here.” Lan Zhan coupled it with a rolling thrust that pressed his cock firmly behind Wei Ying’s balls. Wei Ying twitched back instinctively, and he huffed out a breath at how good it felt.

“Lan Zhan,” he complained.

Lan Zhan pressed closer, warm skin against Wei Ying from shoulder to thighs. “Shhhhhh, Wei Ying is sleeping.”

Wei Ying couldn’t stop himself from laughing as Lan Zhan kissed his neck again, mouth open and soft. He arched back into it, helping Lan Zhan’s cock push so deliciously behind his balls again.

All that was missing was Lan Zhan’s hand on his cock. Lan Zhan had settled it on his waist, fingers brushing so close, but not quite reaching. As Lan Zhan thrust in again, gasping against Wei Ying’s neck, Wei Ying whined and grabbed Lan Zhan’s hand, placing it on his cock and arching into it in time with Lan Zhan’s thrusts.

Lan Zhan huffed an amused sound against Wei Ying’s skin and wrapped his hand around his cock. “Are you awake now?”

“Of course I’m awake.” He tried to sound irritated, but it just came out breathless. Lan Zhan’s coordination was perfect, timing every thrust with the drag of his palm. “Someone woke me up with their dick.”

Lan Zhan hummed and started moving faster, his hand increasing speed in concert. Wei Ying felt almost like he could be dreaming; half asleep, hot breath on his neck. He felt suspended between sleep and pleasure. It was blissful.

The kisses against his neck and behind his ear became less coordinated. Lan Zhan’s hips were snapping now, his hand moving as a counterpoint. Wei Ying felt like he was suspended on a cliff edge for hours, pleasure building from the friction of Lan Zhan’s cock and the firm drag of Lan Zhan’s hand. He reached behind him and ran his fingers into Lan Zhan’s hair. The angle was awkward, but it was enough to ground Wei Ying as he came, back arched and hips jerking.

Lan Zhan’s hand eased Wei Ying through it, even while his hips moved faster, his breath a hot pant in Wei Ying’s ear. Lan Zhan then let out a groaned ‘Wei Ying’ and came, movement stuttering and breath gasping. The wet flutter between Wei Ying’s legs made his own cock twitch again against Lan Zhan’s hand.

They lay panting together until Wei Ying felt like he might fall asleep again. Lan Zhan’s gentle kiss against his ear roused him, then Lan Zhan wiped his hand against Wei Ying’s side and moved away.

Wei Ying jerked around. “Hey!” He wasn’t entirely sure if he was objecting to the hand wipe or Lan Zhan moving away.

Lan Zhan gave another huffed laugh. “I am going to get a cloth.”

Wei Ying settled back down with a fake grumble, deeply amused, and waited for Lan Zhan to come back and clean them up. He then settled beside Wei Ying again, pulling him into his arms. Wei Ying went very happily. He rested his head on Lan Zhan’s chest, weariness again crashing over him. He placed a kiss against Lan Zhan’s skin, then settled in again.

“Good morning, Wei Ying.” Lan Zhan’s voice rumbled in his chest.

“It’s not morning,” Wei Ying said. “It’s dark outside, which means that it’s the middle of the night, and more sleep is needed.”

On Sunday night Lan Zhan made no mention of leaving, and Wei Ying didn’t want to raise it. He wanted Lan Zhan to stay for as long as he could, and if Lan Zhan had the holiday time to take, Wei Ying wasn’t going to argue. However, on Monday morning, as Wei Ying got ready to leave for work, Lan Zhan set himself up at the table with his laptop.

“Are you working from here?” Wei Ying asked.

“Mn.” Lan Zhan looked at the screen, then at the windows, before shifting to a different seat to avoid the glare. “Brother knows I am working away at the moment.”

Wei Ying smiled, feeling warm inside. If Lan Zhan was working from his apartment, then surely he could stay for a while?

Later, when Wei Ying got back, buzzing with the progress they were making on their projects, Lan Zhan was still working. Wei Ying kissed him, then ordered them some food so that neither of them would have to cook. He dropped down onto the sofa and propped his feet up on the coffee table. He wanted Lan Zhan to come and snuggle with him, but he also wanted Lan Zhan to feel like this was a place he could work undisturbed.

Lan Zhan seemed frustrated as he tried to look at something on his laptop. Eventually he leaned away, closed it and stood up. He walked over to the sofa and sat down. Once he was settled Wei Ying lay down and put his head in Lan Zhan’s lap.

“Having trouble?”

Lan Zhan stroked his hands through Wei Ying’s hair and touched his eyebrows. Wei Ying looked up at him. He really was too pretty. It was unreal.

“I am not used to working on my laptop alone. I need more room. Bigger monitors. I have asked Brother if he knows anyone in Shanghai with a space I can use while I am here.” Lan Zhan’s eyes fluttered closed while he spoke.

“Well…” Wei Ying paused, thinking, then came to a decision. “You can work from our office.”

Lan Zhan’s eyes opened and he looked down at Wei Ying. “Your office?” Wei Ying nodded. “You wouldn’t mind?”

Wei Ying shook his head. “It’s fine. We could set you up in a separate section. Make sure that you don’t see our work, and we don’t see yours. Maintain confidentiality.” Lan Zhan frowned, looking confused. “You know, so there’s no breach of competition or” - he waved a hand - “intellectual ownership, patents, things like that.” Lan Zhan didn’t look any less confused. Wei Ying stopped and thought. “Lan Zhan, did I tell you what my company does?” He swung around to sit up and look at him.

Lan Zhan shook his head. “You didn’t. I didn’t want to pry.”

Wei Ying threw back his head and laughed. “Of course! I was trying not to give anything away! But with you being here now I just assumed you knew.” He clapped a hand against his forehead. “We’re in the same business.”

Lan Zhan’s eyes widened. “You are an architect?”

“Pretty much.” He grinned. “We do architecture and engineering that specialises in green projects.”

Wei Ying felt pretty smug at Lan Zhan’s reaction. It was a tiny expression, but for Lan Zhan it showed real surprise. They had both talked about focusing on green architecture during their degrees, and Wei Ying knew that Lan Zhan had intended to push the Lan business as much in that direction as he could. He had read up on some of their projects and knew that they were better than average at emissions, but there was also a limit to what Lan Zhan could achieve in a company that was also focused on being competitive in large-scale government projects.

“Wei Ying, that is wonderful.”

Wei Ying smiled. “It really is. We have some smaller building designs that are carbon neutral, and others that have offsetting. We won’t take on a project unless it has a net neutral or better end point.” Some of the wording Wei Ying had stolen from his own marketing, but that didn’t matter. He had written that anyway.

“How do you achieve the offsetting?” Lan Zhan looked deeply invested, giving Wei Ying the opportunity to wax lyrical about one of his favourite subjects. He usually avoided talking about it, as unless you were interested in the technical specifications it could be really dull. Thankfully Lan Zhan was knowledgeable and passionate on the subject. It felt like a floodgate opening, after Wei Ying had needed to spend months avoiding the subject when hiding from Lan Zhan.

The following day Lan Zhan travelled with Wei Ying into work. His office wasn’t too far away, about forty-five minutes on foot, and Wei Ying tried to walk it most days, weather permitting. Lan Zhan looked pleased at the prospect when Wei Ying told him, and Wei Ying got to talk more about Shanghai as they travelled.

Wei Ying got Lan Zhan settled in his office; Wei Ying could work in the main area easily enough. His office wasn’t grand, but it had two large monitors and Lan Zhan said it was perfect. He watched Lan Zhan set up before ducking in for a quick kiss.

“I’ll see you at lunch, Lan Zhan.”

Lan Zhan smiled at him and nodded. “Work hard.”

Wei Ying laughed. “I will!”

Lan Zhan had been staying with Wei Ying for almost two weeks when Wei Ying couldn’t stand it any longer.

“Lan Zhan.” He didn’t want to ask this, but he knew he had to. It was likely a bad idea to do it while they were naked in bed after sex, but We Ying suddenly felt like the words needed to burst out of him.

He turned his head and rested his chin on Lan Zhan’s chest, looking up at him. “When are you going to leave?” Lan Zhan’s face did something complicated and Wei Ying replayed what he had said, grimacing. “I don’t mean” - he sighed - “I don’t mean I’m trying to get you to leave, just… How long are you planning to stay?”

Wei Ying had to know. This was too nice, too good. As the days had passed into weeks with still nothing said, he had started to dread when Lan Zhan would finally leave. When he would go back to Beijing. Would they do long distance? Was this just an interlude? He didn’t want it to be, but the more they didn’t talk about it, the more Wei Ying felt himself fretting.

The complicated expression on Lan Zhan’s face smoothed out a little, but he still pursed his lips slightly. “When do you want me to leave?”

Wei Ying laughed and planted a kiss on the bare skin under him. “Are you kidding? You make me food, you fuck me so well, you help my business.” Wei Ying reached up and tucked some of Lan Zhan’s loose hair behind his ear. “You’re Lan Zhan. I never want you to leave.”

Lan Zhan’s arms tightened around him. “Then I won’t.”

“What?” Wei Ying smiled and shook his head. “Be serious.”

“I am.”

Wei Ying shoved himself into a sitting position, the light blanket that Lan Zhan had pulled over them slipped down and pooled around him. “What are you saying?”

Lan Zhan sat up as well. He reached out and picked up one of Wei Ying’s hands. “Wei Ying, I don’t want to go back. I want to stay here with you.”

Wei Ying gripped Lan Zhan’s hand. “Lan Zhan, I want that so much.” He squeezed his hand again for emphasis. “So much. But your life is in Beijing. Your job. Your family.”

His heart was beating too fast. The hope was blossoming, but Wei Ying could now see how the fear wanted to come with it. He breathed through it. No one else was here. This was him and Lan Zhan.

“You are the most important thing to me, Wei Ying. I want to be where you are, if you will have me.” Wei Ying screwed his eyes shut and let Lan Zhan pull him closer, until their foreheads were resting against each other.

“Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan, we’ve only been back in each other’s lives for a few weeks. You can’t throw away your whole life for that. For me.” He moved to drop his head to rest on Lan Zhan’s shoulder. “Not for me.”

Lan Zhan stroked his hands up and down Wei Ying’s back, palms warm on his bare skin. “Always for you.” Lan Zhan made a small frustrated sound. “Wei Ying, I have searched for you for ten years. I love you. I love being here with you.” Wei Ying felt unsteady from his words, like he wanted to shake his head and deny them. He worked hard to let himself just listen, accept that Lan Zhan was telling him the truth. “I have been happier in these last weeks with you than at any time in the ten years without you. I don’t want to let you go.”

Wei Ying swallowed thickly. “Lan Zhan.”

“I’m sorry if that is too much. If you want me to go, I will. I will live in Beijing and visit you when you want me to.” Wei Ying shook his head, denying that he wanted that, but he didn’t trust his voice. “But if you want me, I want to stay. I want to live here with you.”

Wei Ying lifted his head so that he could look directly at Lan Zhan, finding his voice. “Lan Zhan, of course I want you to stay. Stay, please.” He kissed Lan Zhan, frantic. “Please, please stay.”

Lan Zhan shushed him. “Wei Ying, it’s okay, I’ll stay. I’ll stay.” They kissed again and again. “I’m staying.”

Wei Ying laughed, a damp sound. “Will Lan Huan let you keep working from here like this?”

“I don’t want to.” Wei Ying raised his eyebrows. “I have already handed in my notice.”

“What? When?” Wei Ying asked.

“Last week. I knew I wanted to stay, but working without an office is not something I can continue. Also…”

Wei Ying waited, but when Lan Zhan didn’t continue he prompted him. “Also…?”

“I want to work for your company.” Lan Zhan looked determined.

Wei Ying felt a slow smile spreading across his face. “You do?”

Lan Zhan nodded. “Mn. I have very much enjoyed the insight into greener projects. I would like to assist in something that is meaningful to the environment.”

Wei Ying knew he must be beaming now. “You think you could work for me, Lan Zhan?” Lan Zhan nodded. “Let me be in charge, hmm? Let me boss you around?”

A feral gleam came into Lan Zhan’s eyes and he grabbed Wei Ying’s wrists, rolling them until he was on top of Wei Ying, pinning him down. “Only in the office, though.”

Wei Ying laughed, a low thrum of arousal blooming, despite the fact that it would be a while before he could hope to get hard again. He stretched up to place a quick peck on Lan Zhan’s nose. “Only in the office. You can boss me around all you like when we’re not at work.”

Lan Zhan’s gaze sharpened. “Mark your words.” Wei Ying laughed again until Lan Zhan shut him up with a deep kiss.

After a few moments Lan Zhan rolled off him, breaking the kiss. Wei Ying made a sound of complaint, but Lan Zhan climbed off the bed, turning to hold out a hand to pull Wei Ying up.

Wei Ying looked at the hand. “What? I’m happy to stay here.” He folded his hands behind his head, stretching out. “It’s cosy in our bed.”

He saw the flutter of pleasure that went across Lan Zhan’s face when Wei Ying said ‘our’, but then his gaze firmed up again. “We must clean up.”

“Ahhh, Lan Zhan. You like seeing me all dirty.”

Lan Zhan hesitated for only a second before grabbing Wei Ying’s ankles and pulling them off the bed. Wei Ying gave a startled yelp, then Lan Zhan was tugging on his shoulders, pulling Wei Ying upright. He hoisted him into an over-the-shoulder carry, legs straightening with a low grunt of effort.

“Lan Zhan!” Wei Ying tried to sound annoyed, but he was laughing too hard, arms gripping at Lan Zhan’s back. Lan Zhan placed a smack across his ass, loud but not painful. “Lan Zhan!”

They made it to the bathroom and Lan Zhan put Wei Ying down. Wei Ying had to cling to him; he was still laughing too hard to stand properly.

“I said you could order me about, not carry me about!”

Lan Zhan had a small smile tucked into the corner of his mouth. “Apologies. I must have misheard.”

Wei Ying loved him. He loved Lan Zhan so much.

And he was going to get to keep him.

EPILOGUE

Wei Ying reached down and laced his fingers through Lan Zhan’s. Lan Zhan squeezed his hand back.

“Are you ready?”

Wei Ying nodded. He could do this. They wanted to see him. They didn’t blame him. They loved him.

Lan Zhan started to walk but Wei Ying stayed still, their arms stretching between them. Lan Zhan turned back to him.

“Wei Ying?” Lan Zhan’s face was full of concern. Wei Ying wanted to kiss him.

“It’s really just going to be them?” Wei Ying asked.

“Mn,” Lan Zhan confirmed. “Only them. Then, if you feel comfortable, their spouses will join us. If you do not feel comfortable, you can see them another time.”

Wei Ying looked down and took a deep breath, following his therapist’s instructions to help him with perceptions of risk. He was fine. He was safe.

Wait…

“Spouses?” he asked.

“Mn.”

“Not… ‘spouse’?” Was Uncle Jiang going to be there? Was the other spouse Auntie Yu? Wei Ying stopped the line of thought and made himself wait for Lan Zhan’s answer.

Lan Zhan frowned slightly. “Your sister and brother’s husbands. They are waiting until later, if you are comfortable. Rather than meeting everyone at once.”

Wei Ying knew that, he knew that Jin Zixuan was not going to be there right away. This was what they had agreed. But… “Jiang Cheng is married?”

“I thought you were aware,” Lan Zhan said.

Wei Ying shook his head. “I was not aware! That information is not available online.” Wei Ying couldn’t believe it.

Lan Zhan nodded in understanding. “He is married to Nie Huaisang.”

“Nie Huaisang?!” Wei Ying couldn’t get his mouth to close. “Nie Huaisang?” Lan Zhan nodded again. Jiang Cheng was married to Nie Huaisang. But Nie Huaisang hadn’t said a word about that when Wei Ying had seen him. “Since when? Is this… did it happen recently?”

“No. They have been married for three years.”

Wei Ying stood astounded. The whole time Nie Huaisang had been there, in his home, drinking his beer, chatting with Wei Ying’s friends, he had been married to Wei Ying’s brother.

He finally looked up at Lan Zhan again. “Right. Let’s go in.”

Lan Zhan squeezed his hand again. “Are you sure?”

Wei Ying leaned in and kissed Lan Zhan, letting it linger, and pulling away. “I’m sure. I have some questions I’d like to ask Nie Huaisang.”

They walked to the door and Wei Ying could see Yanli and Jiang Cheng waiting at a table. They were both watching the door and he saw the moment they spotted him, both lighting up with blinding smiles.

Wei Ying took a shaky breath, pressed close to Lan Zhan, and walked inside.