Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Evan Buckley knew the moment his alarm went off he was in for a rough day. He woke with his head already pounding, and a heavy, weighted feeling settling in his chest. He’d set it for a little earlier than he usually would, knowing he’d need the extra time to compensate for lying in bed and staring at the ceiling before ultimately being able to drag himself from the safety of his bed. He couldn’t afford to be late, not with the way things were at the moment. He had a twenty-four hour shift ahead of him and for the first time since getting his job back, he had no will to go in. He just did not have the energy to fight his way through the day. He knew the weight on his chest would disappear the second a new day started, but it wouldn’t make this day any easier. Previous years, whether it be at the firehouse or whatever job he’d be working at that particular time, he would take the day off and just stay in bed, sleeping and waiting for a new day to begin. He couldn’t do that this year though. His relationship with Bobby was too fragile and was no longer in a place to ask favours and he couldn’t risk calling in sick… not after everything that had happened in the last couple of months. For today, and today only, Buck was glad Bobby was punishing him… he didn’t know how he would handle being on calls today – especially with the type of ones they could get… the sensitive ones.

His usual alarm sounded, and Buck forced himself to roll out of bed and onto his feet. His entire body ached. He shuffled to the bathroom, turning on the shower so the water could heat up whilst he relieved himself and brushed his teeth. He stripped out of the shorts he’d slept in, letting them pool at his feet before kicking them aside and stepping under the near scalding water. He barely contained the flinch as the water hit his face. It had taken him days to build up the courage to shower for the first time after the tsunami, and it had taken weeks before he could take one for longer than two minutes without feeling the onset of a panic attack. It rarely happened these days, usually only he was feeling particularly vulnerable. Today was one of those days. He allowed himself ten minutes to scrub himself down before switching off the water, stepping out and wrapping a towel round his waist. He stood staring at his reflection in the bathroom mirror, noting his pinched brow and the frown on his lips… the haunted look behind the blue of his eyes, no longer bright like the ocean, but dull and… lifeless. He had the tell-tale signs of bags under his eyes from a restless night’s sleep, not that he cared, not today. He shook his head and walked away, going back in the bedroom, and changing into his LAFD top and dark jeans. By the time he’d made it downstairs and to the kitchen, he’d taken a little longer than he’d expected to, only having time to grab a banana and bottle of water to have in the car before slipping on his shoes, grabbing his ready packed duffle from its place on the floor, his keys and phone from the table and headed out the door.

The sun was already packing an intense heat despite the relatively early hour and Buck was glad he hadn’t put on a long-sleeved shirt like he usually did. Traffic was heavy enough for him to eat whilst being idle and avoid a call from Maddie when he moved. Maddie. He should have been expecting her call so early, seeing as she knew he would be working. She’d begged him to ask for the day off, knowing that that’s what he usually did. She’d even offered to ask Bobby herself, but he’d all but ordered her not to. He was an adult; he didn’t need his big sister to fight his battles for him. He could handle one day being at work. He’d be doing nothing but inventories and stock replenishments, cleaning the rigs when they came back in and hosing down the showers once they’d been used. Grunt work. Grunt work he could handle today – no problem.

He pulled into the parking lot at the side of the building noting that every-bodies cars were already there. He groaned inwardly. He wasn’t late – he still had a good twenty minutes until he was technically on the clock – but he usually still arrived before everyone (except Bobby). It would have been better for his mood to have arrived first, but luck was not on his side. Buck sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. He climbed out the car, his movement slightly sluggish, pulling his duffle bag from the passenger seat, slamming the door behind him a little harder than necessary. He noticed a few people he shared the shift with giving him a weird look, but he tried his best to ignore them, not in the mood for their side eyes and snide comments.

Buck kept his head down as he turned the corner to the entrance, steps faltering at the sight of the team standing by one of the rigs. They were all already dressed for the day, discussing something as a group and currently oblivious to his presence. Any other day and Buck would feel hurt, abandoned, but today he would relish in being ignored and left out. Sure, he would still sometimes eat with them (though conversations were tense, no matter how hard he tried), have lunch or dinner ready for them to come back from a call to (those days he’d eat before they came, serve it up and head down to check the trucks). Hen made him feel welcome, and Chimney had extended his hand in a truce (Buck strongly suspected his sister may have had something to do with that), but it was the near silences from his best friend and pseudo father figure that cut deep. He sighed and trudged forwards only to stop and pull his phone from his back pocket as it vibrated. He sighed again looking at the screen and seeing Maddie’s name. He’d already avoided one call from her and the subsequent texts when he hadn’t answered. He couldn’t ignore her again because he knew his sister and knew without a doubt that she would come to the firehouse in person to see how he was really doing for herself – and he couldn’t have that. He answered the call, shuffling his feet where he stood.

“Hey, Mads.”

“Evan.” Maddie’s heavy breath of relief sent a shiver of guilt through him; his silence had made her worry – that hadn’t been his intention; he never wanted his sister to have to worry about him.  “You didn’t answer. I -.”

“I’m okay, Mads,” he said as softly as he could, trying to sooth her worrying. He closed his eyes, tilting his head back and letting the warmth of the sun hit him full in the face. “I was driving; I’ve just got to the firehouse.”

“I still think you should have asked for the day off; Bobby would understand.”

“We’re not in a place for Bobby to understand.” Buck sighed. His sister meant well but she just didn’t get it. “I would have to tell him and that is something I am not doing. I’ll be in the house for my entire shift. I’ll be fine, Mads.”

“I’m worried about you.”

“I get that, Maddie,” Buck said, a little sharper than he’d intended, his voice raised loud enough for the team to be pulled from their conversation. He swore under his breath when Maddie’s own breath hitched in his ear. They lapsed into silence, neither wanting to be the first to speak. Buck checked his watch and noted he should really be heading inside to change. He took slow steps in the direction of the locker room, giving the team a wide berth and ignoring the looks he was getting from them. He knew full well they could hear his side of the conversation. His plans to be invisible today were not going well. A quick glance to his right meant he locked eyes with Chimney, who tilted his head slightly, silently asking if everything was alright (it was his girlfriend Buck was on the phone to after all). He gave the man a curt nod and continued to ignore the now mildly concerned looks from everyone else to focus on his sisters voice in his ear, freezing on the spot as she spoke.

“You’re my baby brother; I’ll always worry about you, Evan, especially with today being -.”

Buck stilled, the air around him becoming stifling. He sucked air through his gritted teeth, his shoulders tense, and his chest heaving. It was one thing to remind himself of what day it was, but for someone else… Buck could feel the swell of panic forming in the pit of his stomach and he had to force himself to breathe. He could not lose control.

“I’m perfectly aware of what today is, Madeline,” Buck spat, his voice raised. He vaguely registered not only his sisters sharp intake of breath, but also that of the team behind him. It wasn’t often - rare even - that he snapped at anyone and he hadn’t used Maddie’s full first name in years. He should feel guilty for snapping, he usually does (and he would do later), but he just doesn’t have it in him to right now. “I don’t appreciate you reminding me of it either. I know you’re worried about me, Maddie, but don’t. I just – I just… not today, okay? Please.”

God, did he have to sound so broken? Did he have to sound so broken in front of an audience? He hated that everyone around him were in a position to witness his vulnerabilities, especially given that he was barely on civil terms with majority of them. Buck, who had yet to move, sensed someone coming up slowly behind him. He turned just enough to see Bobby standing there with a raised eyebrow. He could tell, without the man saying a word, that he wanted to speak to him, though he doubted it was out of concern for him; there hadn’t been much of that from Bobby lately. A closer look at his face showed something that Buck couldn’t quite put his finger on. Pity? Disappointment? Exasperation? Buck chanced a quick look at the others; Hen and Chim’s looks of concern were on full display but he was surprised by Eddie’s… Buck had to look away. The anger that usually laced Eddie’s eyes was absent, gone for the first time since he’d told him they wouldn’t be able to see each other. It had broken Buck’s own heart for reasons he hadn’t fully understood until weeks later when they’d met in the grocery store, and Eddie’s words had cut through him like a knife. Eddie looked at him now with a furrowed brow and a turned down mouth. Buck didn’t want this. He swallowed, focusing back on Maddie.

“I love you, Mads, but I have to get to work.”

He ended the call before she had a chance to respond and shoved his phone back in his pocket, now giving Bobby his full attention. Bobby didn’t instantly say anything like Buck had been expecting, instead choosing to fold his arms across his chest and just stare at him. Bobby was scrutinising him, Buck knew he was, and it was making him uncomfortable. He’d waver on a good day, but today the look was just short of unbearable. He wanted to be invisible. Buck shuffled his feet, resisting the urge to nervously bite at his bottom lip, just waiting to see what Bobby was waiting to throw his way this time. After what seemed like an age (thirty seconds if he counted in his head correctly), Bobby finally unfolded his arms and took a step forward… Buck had to fight not to flinch and take one back.

“Bello’s out with flu so you’re working calls today.”

Buck tried, and failed, to stop his shoulders from slumping at Bobby’s words. Any other day he’d be ecstatic, fist-bumping and grinning, elated at the chance to prove how good of a firefighter he was but he didn’t have it in him. He just wanted to keep to himself, have as little interaction with everyone as possible… stay out of their way. He knew the others had seen his reaction, had seen the way he deflated at Bobby’s words, if the looks on their faces were anything to go by. He could see them over Bobby’s shoulder, each of them with matching confused looks, with various degrees of concern laced in their eyes. His own eyes flickered to Bobby, finding his expression much the same as the others, but the moment their eyes locked, the older man shook his head and cleared the look from his face and Buck found his heart sinking as his Captain continued speaking.

“You stay back unless asked and you follow every command,” Bobby said sternly, though his tone not as harsh as it had been the past few weeks, just a touch softer but still nothing compared to how he used to talk to him. “You disobey a single order and you’re benched until you retire – got it?”

The air around him stiffened again, almost making it hard for him to breathe. Buck forced himself to stand up straight and look Bobby dead in the eye. “Got it, Captain Nash.”

Buck felt like he was being scrutinised again with the way Bobby was now looking at him. It made Buck feel like he had when he first started, back when Bobby judged everything he did and made him feel like a child when he did something wrong. Buck forced himself to maintain eye-contact, refused to look away from Bobby no matter how uncomfortable he was making himself feel. He didn't want Bobby to know how much he didn't want to be out there with them today. He didn't want Bobby to see him as weak. This is what he'd been fighting for wasn't it? This is what he'd spent the last month hoping for, been short of begging for. He wanted to ask Bobby if he would only be working calls for the duration of the shift and be back on grunt work the next time he was in, but he didn't. He didn't want to push his luck. He could see the others looking at him over Bobby's shoulder, but he tried his hardest to block them out. They were well within earshot, and Bobby had no doubt discussed it with them before he came in, but he didn't want to see the looks on their faces. Something in his eyes must have given away how he was feeling because Bobby’s face suddenly softened, mouth turning down and his brow furrowing. He took half a step towards Buck before stopping himself.

“Everything okay, Buck?”

The level of concern in Bobby’s voice rivalled that from before everything went to shit… from before Bobby lied and destroyed Buck’s trust in him, from before he filed the lawsuit because he was so hurt. Buck’s heart ached. For a brief moment, Buck honestly thought that this could be the start of things going back to normal, that things could go back to how they were before but looking at Bobby now, that concern was gone and all he could see was pity in the man’s eyes. It was pity for the man who had formally been like a son to him. It was pity for the man who was so clearly spiralling before his eyes… because Buck was spiralling, wasn’t he? Despite his best efforts, he was once again drawing attention to himself, failing at falling into the shadows. He was snapping at his sister (the only person who had an inkling to what was going through his head), he was raising his voice and visibly closing himself off to emotions he would normally feel. As much as he wanted to, Buck couldn’t allow himself to feel comforted by the concern Bobby had suddenly and briefly displayed because his brain was telling him it wasn’t real. It was an illusion, a farse. A month of being back and getting nothing but empty looks and ‘my house, my rules’ from Bobby until he was showing all the signs of not being okay? Buck didn’t want to deal with that guilt – from either of them.

Bucks eyes flickered over to the three standing silently behind Bobby. Without Buck noticing, they’d all moved a little closer to the duo, each one of them fully invested in listening to their conversation, thought out of the trio, Eddie was the one who lingered a fraction behind the others… and it was his eyes Bucks had locked with. Buck wanted to kick himself. It was as though he’d (subconsciously) seeked out his (former?) best friend and Eddie was just staring at him, his face once again void of any emotion… almost as though the brief show from barely five minutes before had been a lapse and had breached his walls that had been firmly put back in place. It was all the proof Buck needed to know that Eddie no longer cared. Well, Buck thought, if it was good enough for Eddie, then it was good enough for him to. Buck schooled his features, eyes still locked with Eddie’s. He registered the exact moment the man realised what he was doing, because Eddie’s face fell, and his eyes widened as Buck closed his own off. Buck returned his gaze to Bobby and he could tell the older man had seen it to.

“Everything’s fine, Captain.”

Buck’s voice sounded foreign even to his own ears, completely out of place. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been so formal when it came to speaking to Bobby other than today. Even when he’d first started, when he’d been invited to sit at the table with them that very first day, Bobby had insisted on being called just that, though he would accept ‘Cap’ to. Buck saw in Bobby’s eyes that he’d been thinking the same thing. He frowned at him.

“Are –.”

Whatever question Bobby was about to ask died on his tongue and something inside Buck broke a little. All the concerned looks meant nothing. Even though Bobby could sense, could see, that something was wrong, he didn’t push. Buck had always needed to be pushed. He may let people believe that he’s an open book, but the truth was no one would never know how he was truly feeling unless he wanted them to know. As much as Buck didn’t want Bobby to push, he did, because it would have shown him that there was a part of the man that still cared but all it was showing Buck no was that he didn’t. Bobby glanced down at his watch, sighing.

“Go and get changed, shift starts in five.”

“Yes, Sir.”

Buck gave him a curt nod and turned instantly away, avoiding catching the eye of any of the others. He hoisted the strap of his duffle further onto his shoulder as he marched to the locker room, letting the door slam closed behind him, shutting him off from everyone (as much as a mass of glass windows could). He stalked to his locker, letting his duffle slip to the floor with a loud ‘thud’ by his feet as he pressed his forehead to the cool metal, letting his eyes slip closed.

Could his day get any worse? He knew he shouldn’t jinx himself by asking the question but could it? He’d like to think it couldn’t.

He could only allow a minute at most to collect himself, not wanting to risk giving anyone ammunition to make comments, not that many of them needed the excuse since he’s sued Bobby and the department. He grabbed his uniform from his fallen duffle, changing quicky, leaving his boots off and shirt unbuttoned as he shuffled his socked feet and placed his spare shirts and trousers  and anything of value  in his locker. Buck lowered himself on the bench in the middle of the room, with his back to the door, and slipped on his boots. He bent down to do up the laces and heard the door open and, thinking it was Hen (she was the only that ever sought him out anymore), sighed.

“I’m fine, Hen.”

“Not Hen.”

Eddie. Buck stilled; hands frozen halfway through tying the laces of his right boot. He hated the silence that stretched between them. It was awkward in a way it hadn’t been before. Gone was the tension that usually laced their silences, though Buck honestly couldn’t tell at this moment in time which one he preferred. Buck had waited a month for Eddie to spend more than five seconds in his presence before rolling his eyes and walking away. He’d waited a month for Eddie to just talk to him, but why did it have to be today? Why on a day where he was already feeling like the world was caving in on him and he just wanted to be invisible. Sure, he wanted his best friend back, but not like this… not because he was being pitied.

Buck finished tying his laces before standing, stretching to his full height with his stance slightly defensive and looked directly at Eddie.

“You need something?”

Eddie frowned at him, though it disappeared as soon as it came, replaced with the near permanent scowl he’d usually be sporting whenever he looked at him. He stood, arms crossed, leaning against the doorframe.

“Today’s the first day in almost a month where you haven’t come in trying to act like everything’s all fine and normal,” he stated, eyeing Buck.

Buck wanted to sigh, to roll his eyes and point out that he’d actually been back just over a month now, but he didn’t think it would be worth the argument, so he stayed quiet. He tore his eyes away from Eddie, looking down at himself and straightening out the creases on his uniform. He looked up again after a few seconds, knowing Eddies silence and now raised eyebrow meant he was waiting for an answer. Buck really did sigh this time, knowing that he wasn’t obliged to give him an answer but would give half of one anyway, though his voice was quiet and resigned.

“Because nothing is ‘fine’ and ‘normal’ anymore, Eddie.”

Eddie scoffed, pushing off from the doorframe and standing straight. “Finally realised that have you?” He was the one that sighed now while Buck remained silent. “You snapped at Maddie. You never snap at anyone, especially your sister. Wanna tell me why?

“Wanna tell me why you’ve been coming in covered in bruises the last couple of weeks?” Buck countered, somewhat harshly. Eddie said nothing, though his eyes darkened a fraction and Buck knew he’d hit a nerve. He shook his head, huffing. “I thought not.”

“No idea what you’re talking about.” Eddie wouldn’t look at him now, and Buck could see it as a poor attempt at lying.

“So, if you were to lift your shirt, there wouldn’t be fist sized bruises on your stomach,” he said, taking half a step towards Eddie, the other man stiffening slightly. Eddie never used to stiffen when he was near, used to welcome him into his personal space in fact. He took another step forward, watching carefully as Eddie’s arms unfolded, dropping to his sides, noticing the miniscule wince he tried to hide. “Or any littering your chest?”

Eddie looked at him now, his mouth set in a firm line. “None of your business, Buckley.”

“I’m well aware, Diaz.” Buck stepped away, turning his back on his (former) best friend. “Your shits yours, my shits mine – let’s keep it that way, yeah?”

Though he couldn’t see him, Buck sensed Eddie about to say something, only to be cut off by a knock on the locker rooms glass door before it was pushed open. Chimney poked his head through, and Buck guessed the man and drawn the short straw when deciding who would be the one to come down and get them. He looked warily between the two of them, and Buck fought once more against the urge to roll his eyes.

“Uh,” he said slowly, eyes dancing between Buck and Eddie. “Cap’s about ready to start the day, wants you two upstairs -.”

“Coming,” Buck said, cutting him off. He looked at Eddie. “We’re done here right?”

He didn’t give Eddie a chance to respond. He turned his back on the both of them to make sure his stuff was away, and his locker was secure, before pocketing his phone. He turned back to them, ignoring Eddie but giving Chim a stiff nod as he pushed past the two, leaving them standing in the locker room together. He heard them speaking in low tones to one another as he made for the stairs, and he knew without a doubt they were talking about him. He couldn’t hear what they were saying, and he really tried not to care, but buck just wasn’t able to today. Even on a good day, he wouldn’t be able to not care, but he just wanted one day where he could shut off completely. Wy couldn’t he just go one day without people talking about him behind his back? Why couldn’t he just go one day with being invisible. Why did Eddie have to choose today to attempt making conversation with him? Logically, Buck knew why; it was because he’d come in acting different, acting in a way none of them expected.

He climbed the stairs, reaching the top and noticed that the rest of the shift on duty had been waiting. He looked round, noting that most were paying him no mind – all except Bobby and Hen. He should have known. He actively avoided Bobby’s gaze, not liking the look in the Captain’s eyes. He locked eyes with Hen, shaking his head at her when she made to say something. She frowned at him but nodded, keeping whatever she wanted to say to herself. He threw her a grateful half smile. He leaned himself against the railing right near the top of the stairs, ready to make a quick escape and start on the daily chores the moment he could. He’d start with the trucks first, like he usually did.

Buck felt himself stiffen as heavy footfalls sounded on the stairs and seconds later Eddie and Chim appeared in the corner of his vision. Chim made instantly for the space next to Hen on one of the couches but Eddie paused. Buck could feel Eddie staring at him, but he forced himself to keep his gaze away. He locked eyes with Hen again and she shot him a sympathetic smile. He could feel Bobby’s eyes on his once more as he felt Eddie come to stand next to him. He wasn’t close enough for them to brush shoulders (which was how they would normally stand more often than not, and any other day he would hate himself for missing the warmth it would bring, the way having Eddie so close would make him feel), but he wasn’t keeping his distance like he had been in recent weeks. This was the closest he had been and given his current mood and state of mind – he found it unnerving. The closeness he craved from Eddie was gone… he just felt uncomfortable.

Bobby cleared his throat, demanding all eyes and attention on him. Morning announcements never usually took long, and Buck was counting down until he could escape down to the trucks. “No big announcements this morning other than Buck’s back on calls for today.” He said it was such emphasis on ‘today’ that Buck wanted to scoff. Of course, Bobby would want to make it clear that he would only be attending calls for the coming shift only; the moment his twenty-four hours ended he’d be back to grunt work.

Every single set of eyes landed on him and Buck fought not to squirm where he stood under all the attention. Most of them looked at him with indifference (considering some of the looks he’d gotten when coming in this morning?), like they couldn’t care either way whether he was man behind or he was out there doing his job with them, a select few were not. There were mutterings, but that (surprisingly) were only coming from the three that he would be sharing the truck with other than Bobby and Eddie. Buck supressed a groan – if he remembered correctly, Hen and Chim were scheduled in as paramedics for their shift. If possible, he felt even worse knowing that the only two people who tolerated his existence would be nowhere near him when they were called out. He would have no one there to have his back… and he would need that more than ever today.

“Chore list has been rotated for the coming week – Anderson, that means you’re cleaning the bunk room and if you try and palm it off on Reynolds again I’ll have you cleaning the toilets for a month, got it?”

Buck tried to focus on Bobby’s voice, but he could barely hear a word he was saying. He was regretting more and more not listening to Maddie and asking for the day off. He could still feel the stares from the few people he would have to work closely with for the next twenty-four hours and he’d never felt so small in his life. He was acutely aware of Eddie shifting, moving a fraction of a step closer. Evidently, he wasn’t the only one who could hear the mutterings. He didn’t say anything to Buck, or to the others, but something told Buck that he wasn’t entirely happy with what was being aimed at him and he wasn’t sure how to digest that.

“I’ve also been told to remind everyone to put in for vacation time if they’ve got outstanding days otherwise you’ll either lose it and it’ll be forced onto you.”

Buck had outstanding vacation days, a good chunk of them he was sure, not that he intended to use them. He rarely ever used his vacation days unless he was forced to… and his brain wouldn’t let him believe he deserved to used them after how much time he’d had off this year already, not that it was his fault of course. Being pinned by a fire truck, multiple surgeries to save his leg and throwing an embolism (and getting caught in a tsunami – but he’d technically quit at that point) would do that. All he wanted to do was work… and part of him believed that an application for time off right after pulling a stunt like the lawsuit to come back would not be well received, even if he was well within his right to do it.

“Now,” Bobby called, grabbing everyone’s attention once more. “Breakfast.”

Everyone dispersed, making for the table where there was already a decent spread set out. Bobby always went full out for their first meal of the day, regardless of whether that was breakfast, lunch or dinner. There were pancakes, waffles, eggs, bacon, fruit – you name it, Bobby had prepared it – and Bucks stomach churned at the thought of it. He didn’t want to stay and eat with them, and aside from Hen (and Chim), none of them wanted him there, so he didn’t bother moving when the rest of them did. He wasn’t the only one not to move though.

For some reason Eddie hadn’t moved either, nor had Bobby, and both were looking at him. Hen came to stand behind Bobby, gesturing to Buck to come and join her but he shook his head and pushed himself away from the railing, taking half a step towards the stairs. Hen made to protest, and in looking towards her he locked eyes with Bobby. He was looking at him with a frown, a softness in his eyes that Buck didn’t want to see, that hadn’t been there when he needed and wanted it to. He didn’t want it now.

“You not gonna eat with us, Buck?”

“I ate before I came in.” Buck gulped and shook his head, he just wanted to get away. “Is it okay to go and inventory the trucks? I want to make sure everything’s in order for the day.”

Bobby’s frown deepened, and his eyes flicked to somewhere over his shoulder and Buck knew it was to Eddie. “Last call did it before shift change, Buck,” he said slowly, and Buck faltered. He didn’t like the turnaround from Bobby because, like with Eddie, it was only happening now that they could see he wasn’t okay.

“I always try and do it before your first call comes in.”

Bobby’s eyes flashed and Buck felt Eddie stiffen slightly near him and he relished in the fact that his wording had gotten under their skin. It wasn’t intentional, he was just saying it like it was – the truth. He did always try and double check the trucks to make sure they were stocked correctly, and he did always try and do it before their first call. He could count on one hand the amount of times the trucks had been low on something vital, that would have caused delays or major issues if they had been called out. Besides, inventory should be done by the incoming and outgoing crew at the start and finish of every shift. It was something that Bobby had implemented when he had first taken over as Captain (so Buck had been told), plus, it was good practice and just plain common sense to do it.

“They had no major calls,” Bobby said.

Buck shook his head, eyes flying to Hen. He felt like he was being boxed in with Bobby in front of him and Eddie off to the side. He needed to get away, to go downstairs and be alone. He wanted to be alone.

“Never hurts to cover all your bases,” Buck said, trying to stop his voice from quivering.

Bobby opened his mouth to say something but Hen laying a hand on his arm stopped him. He turned slightly to look at her and she shook her head at him. Buck saw his brow furrow as Hens eyes flicked to him and back. He appreciated her looking out for him. Bobby sighed, turning back to Buck.

“Go.”

Buck shot Hen a grateful smile and got a swift nod in return before he scurried down the stairs, jumping the last couple and hightailing it for the storeroom. Once inside and out of anyone’s line of sight (he just knew eyes had been following him and if he was to step back onto the floor and look up, someone would be hanging over the railing watching) he let out a shaky breath, closing his eyes and gripping on the one of the shelves for support. Never had he felt so drained from being surrounded by his colleagues. Snide comments and side eyes he could deal with today, but having more than two words said to him by Bobby and Eddie? That he couldn’t deal with.

Buck took a deep breath and opened his eyes. If he wanted to make good headway of inventorying the trucks then he needed to start soon in case they got a call. He turned and grabbed the checklist for each truck from where they hung on the wall, leaving the one for the ambulance for either Hen or Chim to do, noting that last shift had signed off saying everything was correct and in working order. He doubted that to be true, knowing that there were at least two people working that would sign off on anything regardless of how truthful it was if it meant they could get home quicker. He started with equipment, thoroughly checking each and every single thing, marking off anything that didn’t match up and putting it to one side. He worked in silence for the next hour, thankfully not being bothered by anyone, though he glanced up towards the kitchen a couple of times and found himself being watched over the railing. The first time was by Chim, who was on the phone – no doubt to Maddie – and was thrown a hasty nod by the man before he disappeared from sight. The second time was by Bobby, and to say Buck had felt unnerved was an understatement. Buck wondered for the umpteenth why they couldn’t just go back to leaving him alone.

Hen and Chim had both wandered down at some point, Chim clapping him on the back and Hen giving him a kiss on the cheek with a whispered assurance that she’d be there when he was ready to talk. He appreciated her not pushing him, appreciated that she was making him aware that she was there for him without demanding he talk. That’s what he needed today. While it was nice knowing he could talk if he needed (or wanted) to, Hen was the only one leaving him be, not prying as if she had the right to after avoiding saying barely more than two words to him in the last month.

While the two paramedics busied themselves with checking on the ambulance, and the rest of the firehouse flittered round doing their own chores, Buck continued focusing on the trucks, moving from one to another, taking care to mark down every single discrepancy as he went: the pile of incorrectly inventoried equipment steadily building. He’d have to bring it up to Bobby – there was far too much not matching up for it to be passed off as a mistake. He wasn’t looking forward to it, not only because no one liked having to report colleague incompetence, but mainly because it would only bring more animosity between him and the firehouse. He tried not to dwell on it; things – mistakes – like what he’d found out, not only the crews lives in danger, but the lives of those they’re meant to be helping as well. He replaced everything that he needed to as he went, checking and then rechecking that he’d marked it down properly – the last thing he needed was someone accusing him of not doing the job correctly… and he wouldn’t put it past anybody to try with the way things were at the moment. By the time he was finished, Buck was surrounded by empty or damaged O2 tanks, flat or nearly so battery packs and all manner of things last shift signed off on without checking. Buck looked between the inventory sheet in his hand and up at the loft, knowing it had to be brought up sooner rather than later. He sighed, pushing  away from the trucks and heading for the stairs.

The loft was deserted, completely void of people when he ascended the top step – he assumed everyone was occupied with the days chore list. Buck looked around, noting the kitchen had been cleaned and the dining table cleared of the buffet Bobby had created that morning. Buck wondered if someone had thought to save any leftovers for him. Once upon a time, if he’d missed a meal for any given reason, there’d be a selection of Tupperware labelled specifically with his name stored in the fridge waiting for him to heat up. That hadn’t happened in a while (more so because he rarely chose to eat with them anymore) and he doubted today would be any different, not that his appetite had returned.

Buck pulled his gaze over to Bobby’s office. The Captain had three rules when it came to his office; one: if the door was closed, then he was busy or working on something important and did not wish to be disturbed, two: if the door was ajar then he was working but he was still available to talk if needed and three: if the door was wide open then walking in was free game for anyone. Rule two was how it was today. All he had to do was knock on the door and step inside. Before his reinstatement, before the lawsuit and the ladder truck, Buck would have had no issues in walking in there but now… Buck was second guessing himself. He knew he was right, and he knew he would be doing the right thing but something in the back of his mind was making him doubt himself. Buck shook his head, glancing down at the inventory list clutched in his hand and noting all the annotations he’d made. He sighed, walking across the loft to Bobby’s office, rapping his knuckles against the glass, only having to wait a second before Bobby’s voice came through the crack in the door.

“Come in.”

Buck steeled himself before entering, leaving the door wide open as he stepped up to the desk. Bobby had a pile of papers on his desk and from Buck could tell from the upside-down headings they were vacation requests… they must have been handed in in the couple of hours since Bobby had asked for them. He stood, his back ramrod straight and his whole posture stiff… he fought the urge to stand to attention with his hands locked behind his back. Bobby watched him carefully, letting silence fell in the office for a minute before sighing.

“Something you need, Buck?”

Buck bit his lip before shaking himself slightly. He leaned forward holding the clipboard out to Bobby. Bobby looked between the clipboard and Buck and Buck knew there was no going back once he took it. “I’ve finished inventorying the trucks; last shift -,”

Buck cut himself off, doubting himself once again, asking himself if he was doing the right thing. It would case more arguments, hassle… hatred… and it would all be cause by him. He’s had everyone vying for him the moment he filed the lawsuit, was he really prepared to do something (granted not to that scale) like that again? His silence and mental mutterings were interrupted by Bobby.

“Buck?”

Buck looked at him, sighing as he gestured to the clipboard held loosely in Bobby’s hand. “Last shift didn’t inventory the trucks properly; it was either a rush job or they just didn’t bother.”

Bobby looked down at the clipboard in his hand and then back up at Buck, and Buck felt like his was being scrutinised all over again.

“That’s quite a serious accusation, Buck,” Bobby said, giving him a stern look. “Your reasoning?”

“I checked everything, and a lot doesn’t add up, far too much to just be brushed off as a mistake.”

Bobby nodded at him without looking, eyes scanning the first page before flipping over to the next. “And what do you think it was – a rush job or they didn’t bother?”

It felt like a trick question; like whatever answer he gave would be the wrong one, though he could tell by the look on Bobby’s face that it was a genuine one. Buck had to think about his answer for a second, because there was something he couldn’t quite put his finger on about the whole thing.

“I honestly don’t know,” he said quietly, looking down. “But I do know that I checked everything at least three time myself to make sure I hadn’t miscounted or checked something off wrong and each time I came to the same conclusion.”

Bobby’s head snapped up; his eyes wide… as if he was only just truly realising what Buck was insinuating, and the seriousness of what the implications might be. He frowned slightly. “I see.”

Buck’s stomach dropped. Bobby didn’t believe him. It was clear on his face as he flipped through the pages once more, pulling forward a notebook and jotting down his own notes in conjunction to Bucks. Buck watched as the frown on Bobby’s face deepened to the point where it looked as though it would be permanently fixed in place. He gulped as Bobby sighed and placed the clipboard on his desk and pinched the bridge of his nose. He looked at Buck, face giving away nothing, and gestured to the vacant chair in front of the desk. “Take a seat, Buck.”

Part of him wanted to refuse and say no, to tell Bobby that he would rather stand – that he would be fine where he stood – the other part of him cowered and knew it wasn’t an option. He gulped, nodding as he slowly lowered himself onto the edge of the chair, keeping himself as stiff and straight as he possibly could, ready and waiting for the lecture he was sure was about to come his way. He could feel a headache stewing behind his eyes from the stress of his relatively short but already busy morning, but he willed it away. Buck was uncomfortable, greatly so, and he knew it was showing, both in his face and in his posture, and he knew Bobby could see it. It made his feel worse, knowing Bobby would only see him as weak, as a nuisance.

Silence stretched between them as Bobby flipped back through the inventory sheets, muttering along with Bucks annotations as he traced the words with a finger, almost as if he were willing them to say something different, as if they’d changed in the minute since he’d read them last. Buck couldn’t read Bobby’s face, had no idea what he was thinking as he refused to look at him, keeping his eyes firmly on the pages in front of him. Finally, after what felt like an age of Buck sitting stock still, Bobby leant back in his chair, frowning at him. “This is serious, Buck.”

Bucks stomach dropped again – he was really starting to regret bringing it up at all, thinking now that he should have just left well alone.

“I -,” Buck started, but Bobby cut him off with a raised hand, stopping him from continuing. Buck’s mouth snapped shut.

“I have no doubt in my mind that you’ve done this right, by the book and done so thoroughly, like it should be done.”

“I -,” Buck swallowed, needing to take a second to digest what he was hearing. Had he heard Bobby right? Was he hearing the Captain correctly? He swallowed again, looking at Bobby. “You – you believe me?”

Something in Bobby’s face crumbled and his had twitched as though he wanted to reach out to him, but he stopped himself at the last second, like he couldn’t let the barrier that has been between them for the last couple of months come down. Though, Buck thought, he might break if Bobby fought to make physical contact, and while there was a part of him that craved his Captains touch (a hug or even a hand on his shoulder) the other wanted Bobby to stay as far away from him as possible. Bobby cleared his throat, nodding. “I do. It’s all written here clear as day; how can I not?”

Buck knew that wasn’t strictly true; that just because he’d written it down it meant it was right, but it did mean Bobby was taking him seriously, and that was more than he’d thought possible when he’d first stepped in the room. Buck felt himself sag a little in relief, not enough for Bobby to notice but enough for him to feel the tension in his muscles start to release and his entire body begin to relax. Bobby believed him.

“It’s still a serious accusation, and not one that I’ll take lightly,” Bobby said, but Buck could barely hear him over the mantra of ‘he believes me, he believes me!’ running through his head. “You said earlier you checked the trucks at the beginning of every shift?”

Buck nodded. “Always.”

“Have you ever noticed anything like this before?”

Buck started to shake his head but stopped himself, thinking. It wasn’t the first time he’d noticed something like this, albeit not to this scale. It had never been anything worth mentioning, and it had only been a couple of times before, but it had still happened. Buck nodded slowly.

“A couple of times. Never anything big; a battery pack left uncharged or a crowbar missing but never anything like this. Those you can pass off as a mistake or an oversight but this…”

“It’s missing O2 tanks, uncharged battery packs and missing tools. This is something that needs addressing.” Buck nodded at Bobby. Bobby sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose again. “I’ll have to call Revers and discuss this with him before pulling the two who signed it off, and I’ll need you to write a report and have it back to me as soon as possible.”

“I can do that.”

“Good,” Bobby said with a nod, pulling a few sheets of LAFD issued paper from one of the drawers of his desk and handing them to Buck, along with the clipboard. He frowned again. “Have you had a chance to go through the med bags?”

Buck shook his head. “My focus was equipment first; I usually get Hen to have a look if she’s got a minute, but I haven’t had a chance to ask.”

“I’ll ask her to do it. Are the trucks ready to go if we get a call?”

Buck nodded once more. “I switched out as I went. I just have to move everything I took off the rigs out of the way but that shouldn’t take too long.”

Bobby nodded.

“Good.”

An uncomfortable silence that had Buck shifting in his seat descended between them. He’d said what he’d come in to say and Bobby had addressed it. All Buck wanted to do now was get downstairs and remove everything he’d switched out from the trucks from the floor and get a head start on his report. The report alone could take him best part of his shift and he needed the floor cleared before the alarm signalled a call.

“Is,” Bobby started, clearing his throat. “Is there anything else you need, Buck?”

Buck shook his head.

“Okay then,” Bobby said. “Dismissed.”

Buck tried not to stand too quickly. He nodded at Bobby before turning on his heel and leaving the office, pulling the door half closed behind him (just as it had been before). It was the longest conversation he’d had with Bobby in weeks, and though there were no insults or cold shoulders, Buck somehow came out of it feeling much the same as he had since filing the lawsuit. The anxiety of the day mixed with having to confront his Captain about incompetence in the workplace was not helping matters. The loft was still void of people, but Buck didn’t allow himself a moment for himself. He made straight for the stairs, heading down to the trucks. He started by moving everything off to the side, out of the way should they get a call but still where he could see them. He wanted to ticked everything off and check it all again as he wrote his report. Reports were tedious but necessary and he knew he was not the only one that hated writing them. He assumed that after a couple of years on the job and having to write one after every call would have gotten him used to them, but it hit differently when he was accusing his colleagues of not doing their job properly. The fact that he was right, and he was being backed by his Captain meant very little when the reality was his report may well cost someone their job or an official reprimand on their file at the very least. It left an unsettling feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Buck wasn’t sure how long he sat on the back bumper of one of the trucks scribbling (in his neatest writing – he wasn’t an idiot) his report, but it was almost finished when he felt someone coming up to stand in front of him. He tensed slightly, not knowing what to expect when he looked up… he only tensed that little bit more when he found himself staring at Eddie. Eddie who was standing with his arms folded across his chest and an eyebrow raised.

“Well, you’ve been busy.”

Buck swallowed, giving him a sharp nod and looking back down at his report. He didn’t know why Eddie was suddenly standing in front of him and Buck tried not to question it as he looked over what he’d written, finding that there wasn’t much more he could add and that he’d covered everything he needed to, the only thing left really was to sign the bottom of it and hand it in to Bobby.

“Cap sent me to help.” Bucks hand froze as he went to write his signature. Cap sent him? Buck looked up, raising an eyebrow at him. Eddie just rolled his eyes. “I’m not kidding.”

The only reason Buck could think of as to why Bobby would send Eddie to help him was if it was to go through the med bags. Bobby had said he would send Hen but if she was unavailable… but Buck couldn’t fathom why he would send Eddie in her place. Aside from Bobby himself, it was Bucks friendship with Eddie that had been damaged the most by the lawsuit. Buck signed the bottom of his report and placed it to the side of him, looking up but not quite meeting Eddie’s eye.

“Bobby said he would send Hen.”

Eddie nodded, though he didn’t move. “She’s on the phone to Karen, something to do with Denny’s field trip. Cap asked me to come instead. You do remember that I’m a former Army Medic  having done two tours, right? I’m perfectly capable of going through the med bags.”

“That’s -,” Buck stuttered, completely dumfounded. Did Eddie really think that was why Buck questioned it? He knew Eddie was just as qualified as Hen or Chim, hell, even he could go through them, he just preferred Hen to do it with him because she would actually tolerate his presence, and she was normally one of the paramedics on duty. It had nothing to do with Eddie’s capability, Buck just couldn’t see why Eddie would agree to come and help him when Cap asked… unless Bobby didn’t ask but ordered. Buck couldn’t help but be offended by Eddie. They may not be in a good place right now (nor Buck in general, given his morning) but Buck thought Eddie knew him better than to think that. He stood from the bumper, holding himself to stand the full two inches taller than Eddie (only in part because he knew it would piss him off). “I never said you wasn’t capable, never even hinted it; I only said that Bobby told me he would send Hen, because it’s her I usually go through the bags with. You put that assumption there, Eddie, not me.”

To his credit, Eddie looked thoroughly chastised, looking down sheepishly. Normally – before – Buck would have teased him about it, and they’d laugh about him telling Eddie off even though Buck was the younger of the two… but they weren’t in that place anymore. They didn’t laugh or joke anymore; until today – Eddie had barely even looked his way. Buck was reminded of how much he missed his best friend. It would do him no good to dwell his destroyed friendship, there was work to be done.

“Sure you wanna be stuck here with me doing this; don’t you have anything else to do?”

Eddie bristled slightly. “You think I want to -,” he cut himself off, and Buck couldn’t tell what he was thinking or feeling, but he could feel the tension between the two of them now, and it wasn’t there the second before. “Look, Buck, I’m trying to be civil here on Cap’s orders. He wants me to help out, so here I am.”

“Cap’s orders, huh?” Buck muttered, shaking his head slightly as he moved over to the pile of equipment he needed to shift. “He tell you anything about why you’re helping me?”

Said you’d found a few discrepancies and that I’m to go through the med bags to make sure they’re all-in order while you finish up with this.” He gestured to the pile that Buck was starting to pick his way through.

“A few discrepancies? Last shift didn’t bother doing the inventory before they left, or at the very least didn’t do it properly, yet they signed off on it. There was battery packs that needed switching out and that wasn’t all. I’ve checked each truck, logged everything I found wrong and switched it all out. All this,” Buck said, gesturing to the pile himself, “is what I’ve had to change.”

“That’s…” Eddie said, eyes widening. “A first-class act of incompetence.”

“Negligence,” Buck said, grabbing the dead battery packs with the intention of putting them on to charge. “And this is why I do the inventory at the start of every shift; gotta keep everyone safe.”

Eddie nodded, though Buck noticed the frown on his face. He wanted to ask what was wrong, but at the same time he knew he wouldn’t get a straight answer if he did. He shook his head, heading into the storeroom where the charging station was kept, hooking each of the batteries up and making sure they were charging. He allowed himself a brief moment to breathe, his headache slightly worse than it was in Bobby’s office. Conversation with Eddie never used to be forced or strained, but it was now. He supposed that the fact Eddie was talking to him now without sneering or making underhand comments was an improvement from their last shift together… even if he was only there because Bobby had told him to be. Buck shook himself, bracing himself ready to go back and when he did, Eddie was still standing in the same place. Buck raised an eyebrow at him.

“You wanna get started?”

Eddie’s head snapped up and he nodded, not saying as word as he moved to the nearest truck and grabbed the med bag, placing it on the floor. Buck handed him a clipboard, reserved specifically for the med kits, from where he’d retrieved it on his way over off the nearby table he’d placed it on earlier that morning. Eddie accepted it with a silent nod of thanks, instantly getting to work. The worked in near silence; Buck periodically moving off to the storeroom when either he or Eddie needed something. It seemed like the med kits were all pretty much correctly stocked, aside from a few missing gauze packs from one. Buck’s pile of equipment was all but diminished to everything that had to be sent off to be replaced. His head was pounding as he wrote up the requisition forms for Bobby to sign off on. What he needed was to lay in the quiet of the darkened bunk room for twenty minutes but that wasn’t an option this early in the shift, especially with having had no calls yet and given that his every move was being scrutinised by everyone in the firehouse as a repercussion of suing the captain and the city.

“Hey,” Eddie called, startling Buck into looking at him, gesturing at his head. “You’ve been rubbing the same spot on your head for like, the last five minutes; must be pretty bad.”

Had he? Buck hadn’t realised he had been, but he must have been doing it long enough for Eddie to bring it up. Buck bit back a sigh; it was just something else drawing attention to himself. He fought the urge to attempt to rub the pain in his head away as he shook it at Eddie, averting his gaze.

“I’m fine.”

It was a lie, so far from the truth even he couldn’t try and muster up the strength to try and believe it; he wanted to laugh at the ridiculousness of it. There was nothing ‘fine’ about him and hadn’t been for a while if he was being perfectly honest, not that anyone had noticed (he was far better at hiding his emotions that he would let people believe, until thing were too bad for even him to pretend). His head was pounding, and he was tired, and not just from a bad night’s sleep. He’d woken in a bad mood, argued with his sister and spoken to his best friend and pseudo father figure more that morning than he had in the last month or so but for all the wrong reasons. He’d outed colleagues as incompetent and would most likely be the reason they’d be facing disciplinary action at some point in the near future so, no, he was not fine, not in the slightest.

“Look,” Eddie said, placing the last of the med kits back on the truck before moving to stand in front of him. “If you’re not -.”

“Not what?” Buck snapped, standing from the chair he’d been sitting on, looking Eddie dead in the eye, startling him. He’d had enough of the sudden change in attitude towards him since walking through the door to start his shift, had enough of being pussy footed around because it was clear to anyone who spared him a second glance that it was evidently a bad day for him and they might, just might, be feeling slightly guilty for their treatment towards him in recent weeks. He’d just had enough. “Regardless of what you think of me at the moment. I am not about to put the lives of this crew in danger, and you know I’d never do that, Diaz.”

Eddie’s eyes widened in shock at the cold tone in Bucks voice, and he revelled in the brief moment of satisfaction he felt at the look on his face. Him snapping at Maddie was one thing, but him snapping at Eddie, putting him in his place in such a manner? That was something else entirely, and something that hadn’t happened once in the couple of years they’d known each other. Buck witnessed the moment Eddie understood what he’s said, the moment his comment hammered home, in the man’s eyes, and he watched Eddie’s carefully constructed mask crumble. Much like Bobby had in his office earlier, Eddie now sported a look of devastation on his face.

“That’s not what I meant, Buck,” Eddie said, his voice small and broken.

“Save it,” Buck spat, grabbing the forms and his report and stalking away, up the stairs to the loft. He bypassed the few people seated at the tables, heading straight for Bobby’s office, who’s door was now thrown wide open. He gave the door a sharp tap before walking straight in and up to the desk, holding out both clipboards for Bobby to take. “My report and a few requisition forms to be signed to get a few things replaced.”

“Quick work, Buck,” Bobby said, taking everything and placing it on his desk. “Eddie come down to help you?”

Buck bristled, and he knew by the raised eyebrow that Bobby had seen. He didn’t want to make a thing of it, so he gave a nod. “Yes; med kits were down a few gauze packs but that was it.”

“Okay,” Bobby said slowly.

“If you need me to sign anything else, I’ll be in the storeroom.”

He barely gave Bobby a second to nod before he was turned around and out the door without giving the man a chance to call him back. He bypassed everyone once again, barely noticing Chim and Hen exchanging a look, descending the stairs and making for the storeroom. Eddie tried to talk to him once he was in sight, but Buck ignored him, holding up a hand and walking straight past him, hoping Eddie would take the hint and leave him the hell alone. He needed space, and he needed quiet. If he couldn’t justify going to the bunk room, the storeroom was the next best thing.

He closed the door behind him, leaning his forehead against the cool, steel door. It did nothing to alleviate the pounding in his head but knowing it was a barrier between him and the outside comforted him somewhat. He didn’t know how long he stayed like that, just leaning with his head against the door before he pushed himself away and headed for the only corner of the room that didn’t have shelving, sinking to the floor and resting against the wall. He didn’t quite curl into himself, but he had his knees pulled to his chest with his arms resting on top, though he had his head tilted against the wall. He would be able to hear the alarm – there wasn’t a single place in the firehouse that you couldn’t – but he could barely hear the sounds of station life with the door closed. It was just what he needed. He shouldn’t have come in. He should have listened to Maddie, listened to himself when he debated the pros and cons of asking for the day off but just hadn’t been able to ask. It was too short notice; it was too soon after coming back. He had banked on still being banned from calls, banked on being the man behind but the universe just didn’t want to work in his favour.

He let the tears fall. He wasn’t crying, but the pressure was too much, and it had to come out somehow. Better this than something else if he was honest. He could head to the gym, let it out against the bag but it would bring questions and he didn’t want that – he wanted the silence. Sure, he knew that anyone could walk in at any moment, but he hoped Hen would keep them at bay, she seemed to be grasping that fact that he needed to be alone more than anyone, and he’d never been more grateful for it.

Buck wiped the tear tracks from his cheeks, hoping they wouldn’t be noticeable. He was twenty-seven, a firefighter, he shouldn’t be breaking down in the station storeroom, he should be gearing up for what could be a stressful shift of calls. He had to try and put everything he was feeling aside, compartmentalise it and focus on his job. It would do him no good to be distracted, in general and because he was already on thin ice. He couldn’t afford to make mistakes, and his brief stint sitting on the floor would be the only moment of weakness he would allow himself for the rest of his shift. Once he clocked out the following morning, he would be off duty for two days; he could spend that time dealing with everything he’d keep bottled up today. Today he needed to keep a lid on it.

He stood, dusting off his pants and running a hand through his hair, only noticing now that he hadn’t gelled it like he usually did. He didn’t like his curls on show, thought they made him look young and vulnerable, he didn’t need to be looking anymore like that than he already did. He was known to even gel his hair when he was at home, for Maddie and Eddie sometimes turned up unannounced – though Eddie hadn’t done that in a while. Buck took a moment stretch, trying to release the tension in his muscles but he quickly realised he was too tightly wound. It would take hours of relaxing for it to go, and that wouldn’t happen until he was off shift. He’d have to deal with it and hope it didn’t manifest and become a problem when they were on a call.

Buck was in the middle of trying a few breathing techniques when the alarm suddenly blared, snapping him to attention. He instantly moved to the door, throwing it open and making for his gear.

“Alright everyone,” Bobby called as he descended the stairs from the loft, grabbing his own gear. “Let’s go.”

Buck was pulling on his turnout coat when Eddie slipped past him and into the truck. It could have been his imagination, but Buck was almost sure he felt the tiniest brushes of a hand against his shoulder. He shook his head, convincing himself that he was wrong, and it hadn’t happened as he climbed in the truck, pulling the door closed behind him. He was in what had been his usual seat across from Eddie, ignoring not only the gaze from the man himself but the glares he was getting from the two other occupants from the backseats. He tried not to let it bother him and focus on the task at hand as they moved through the streets of Los Angeles (even if he didn’t yet know what they were heading into), but it was hard to ignore it when he could feel the weight of their stares.

“What’re we heading into. Cap?” Travers asked, though Buck could feel the man’s gazed still on him.

“A potential jumper.”

Buck’s vision burred at the words. A jumper, today of all days? Jumpers could sometimes be some of the hardest calls depending on the situation. It was never a sure thing that they could be of help sometimes… sometimes people couldn’t be saved. Buck stayed silent, keeping his gaze out the window and willed his breathing to stay even; the last thing he needed was to have a panic attack now.

“What’s it looking like?”

“Teenager climbed an apartment complex under construction and made it to the roof; he’s threatening to throw himself off.” Bobby turned in his seat to lean through the opening to the back, looking at each of them. Buck forced himself to look at his Captain, though refrained from making eye contact. “This is a sensitive one, so I need everyone on their game and to act appropriately.”

They all nodded, even Carter who was in the front seat driving acknowledged Bobby’s order, though Buck was a little slow to respond. He felt numb, like he wasn’t really present. He swallowed down the feeling of helplessness as he lifted his gaze and unintentionally locked eyes with Eddie. Eddie was openly watching him, making no attempt at hiding it once he’d been caught. Buck hated it. Eddie moved his foot slightly, as though he was going to nudge him, but Buck moved his own out the way and back as far as it could go.

“Buck…”

His name was whispered, barely audible through the headset but Buck still heard it. Buck shook his head at him, turning back towards the window, leaning his head against the glass, effectively ignoring the man sitting opposite him. Buck didn’t want Eddie’s concern, couldn’t even trust that it was sincere. He hadn’t had it since he filed the lawsuit; a time in his life where he was near his lowest point and he wanted and needed it, but it wasn’t there, and he certainly didn’t want it now… especially when it was being offered out of pity. Eddie had made his feelings towards Buck clear. Buck wasn’t worth having around, nothing but an exhausting leech, not fit to be around him or his son. Buck loved Chris like his own, and he truly did understand Eddie’s need as a father to protect his son but to say that Buck didn’t care, that he wouldn’t have dropped everything and come running if he was asked? He’d fought like hell to find keep Chris safe during the tsunami, to find him when he was lost, damn near killing himself in the process, to have Eddie dismiss that and not hear him out when he tried to explain his side of things, to say that he only thought about himself, made everything about him? Buck realised now that that solidified the end of their friendship, that the trust was gone.

Buck had his eyes closed, jostling every time the truck hit a bump in the road. It was doing good for his head keeping it against the window, but he just couldn’t find it in him to sit up straight. He wanted to sleep, wished he could just drift off. He could feel the truck slowing, until they all lurched slightly when it came to a complete stop.

“We’re here.” Buck felt Eddie tap his knee lightly when he stood, not letting his fingers linger any longer than they had to. Seemed like Eddie had gotten the message.

Buck followed the rest of the crew out the truck, pushing the door closed behind him. He looked round, observing where they were as the ambulance carrying Hen and Chim pulled up alongside them. There was a small gathering of people behind a police cordon, all craning over each other in fight to get a better look. Buck hated gawkers; their presence always seemed to make tensions run high. Buck fell back, letting everyone pass him as they followed Bobby to the police cruiser he recognised as belonging to Athena. He felt a hand slip into his and gently squeeze his fingers, glancing to the side and seeing Hen looking back at him. He gave her a nod and she slipped her hand out of his, moving off in front of him.

“Sergeant Grant.”

“Captain Nash.”

Bobby and Athena always managed to keep it perfectly professional between them when on a scene together, it was something that added to the fact they were a great couple. Every single person on scene knew the two were married, thought anyone looking in would never have guessed.

“What’s going on?”

“Justin - male, mid-to-late teens maybe, we’re not sure; he left a note on that fence over there.” Athena waved a hand to a fence on the far-left side of the parking lot as she leant through the open passenger side window of her cruiser and pulled a scrap piece of paper off the seat, holding it up for them all to get a look at. From what Buck could see from where he’d positioned himself at the back of the group, the note had been hastily written in barely eligible chicken scratch, Athena herself having to squint to read it. “Says he ‘can’t do it anymore; can’t keep pretending to someone he’s not’. I’ve got more units en route, but they’re still at least twenty minutes away.”

Something heavy and unsettling dropped in the pit of Buck’s stomach at the words Athena read out loud and he took an involuntary half-step back from the team. Hen caught his eye, silently asking if he was okay. He gave her a stiff nod and a tight smile in response, hoping she would leave it at that. She nodded back, turning her attention back to Athena. Buck took a shuddering breath, trying to keep as quiet as possible so not to draw attention from the team onto himself. They didn’t often get called to jumpers, even less so to teens, but it always felt personal to Buck. A teenager wanting to jump always affected Buck that little bit more than if they were responding to an adult, though he’d never mentioned that to anyone. Buck forced himself to focus on Athena.

“Paper has is cell number on it; we called it and have been talking to him but he’s getting angsty, keeps moving to the edge and back again.” They all looked to the roof of the building as she spoke, seeing Justin move back and forth from view. “He’s made it clear that. If he sees so much as a step towards the door, he’s taking a shortcut down.”

That wasn’t good. They normally dealt with two types of people on calls like this. There were the ones that stood straight on the edge, one foot hanging over the ledge and then there were people like Justin, who moved around which made it all the more dangerous (there were also the few that ended up just being drunks and have no intention of jumping, just wanting to be up high to see the view but would most likely end up falling to their deaths unintentionally). Buck looked up at Justin, his mind working through all the possibilities of how it could end, each one worse scenario that the other. He’d seen people like Justin people, helped people like him before, and they wouldn’t be able to move too fast in trying to help him, it would only aid him making the decision to end his life.

“We need the airbags positioned on the ground -.”

“No.”

Buck hadn’t realised he’d stepped forward, pushing himself to the front of the group and spoken until the word came out of his mouth. All eyes were on him, and he could feel the glares from some and see the raised eyebrow coming from Athena.

“Buckley,” Bobby said in warning, but Buck ignored him, stepping closer to Athena.

“Athena,” he said, his voice just short of desperate as he looked between her and the roof. “He’ll jump the second he sees them; they can’t go out yet.”

Athena looked between him and Bobby. She gave Buck a stern look. “And you’re about that because?”

“His movements are erratic, he’s unfocused,” Buck said, keeping his voice low, trying to keep the uneasiness he felt out. “He doesn’t feel in control up there but he’s not ready to do anything but us preparing from him to fall will confirm that; he’ll jump before the pumps are even in place. I know it’s protocol, but we just need to hold off for a little bit.”

“You got another plan, Buck?” Athena asked, hand on her hip. “I’m all ears.”

Buck didn’t, as it happens, until that very moment. “He needs someone to listen to him. Let me talk to him.”

“You?” Athena shared a look with Bobby, his Captain looking just as sure as she did. Their faith in him was astounding, cementing just how much trust had been lost by all of them.

Buck tried to swallow down the anxiety he was feeling being there. “I think – I know – I can get through to him if you’ll just let me try.”

“Buck -.” Bobby started, but Athena cut him off with a hand raised in his direction.

“Buckaroo?”

Something must have been showing on his face because Athena was looking at him differently like she was understanding something that hadn’t yet been said… maybe even as though she thought him a scared little boy. She studied him intently; eyes darting between his face and the clenched fist showing white knuckles at his side and he knew she was starting to piece together and figure out his deepest, darkest secrets. She stepped right up in front of him, leaving barely any room between the two of them, cupping his cheek. He inhaled sharply.

“Please, ‘Thena,” Buck whispered, trying not to sound as broken as he felt. “Just let me try.”

Her eyes widened a fraction, and she patted his cheek lightly, nodding as she turned away to look at Bobby. “I’m fine with it if you are, Captain.”

“I-.” Bobby said, looking between Buck and his wife.

Buck felt his stomach drop again, fully believing Booby wouldn’t let him. “I’ve talked people down before,” he pleaded in a last-ditch effort to convince Bobby to let him. It was the truth. It was normally a tossup between who went up to talk to the person they were there to help, him or Bobby. Bobby because he was the Captain, Buck because a lot of the time it involved being harnessed in and he was the best with rope rescues. He felt his pleas had failed though when Bobby sighed heavily, a refusal ready on his lips, but someone spoke before he could say anything.

“Let him, Cap.”

Buck’s head shot round at Eddie’s voice, seeing not only him but the rest of team nodding at Bobby. Eddie gave him a sharp nod, before averting his gaze back to their Captain. Buck couldn’t believe they were all agreeing to him being the one to speak to Justin, even Travers, Carter and Peterson were giving Bobby their approval (and he was pretty sure the three of them hated his guts). Buck turned back to Bobby now.

“I won’t screw this up.”

Bobby sighed. “I know you won’t, Buck,” he said, turning to Athena, giving her a nod. “If you’re good, I’m good.”

Buck barely had a second to breathe a sigh of relief before Athena was beckoning him to follow her towards her cruiser. He hadn’t noticed before, but there was a cell phone laying on the hood. He knew it wasn’t Athena’s; maybe it as one of the other officers. He felt everyone following behind them and he hoped they kept their distance a bit. It was going to be hard enough doing it in the first place, but the added pressure of having everyone listening would only make it worse. Athena gestured to the phone, turning it on and keying in Justin’s number, placing the call on speaker.

The audible click of the call connecting had everyone holding their breath.

“Hello?”

“Justin, it’s Sgt Grant,” Athena said, keeping her voice calm but firm. “I have someone here I’d like you to talk to.”

Athena nudged Buck forward and took a deep breath, placing both hands on the hood of the cruiser and looked down at the phone. “Hi Justin, my names Evan Buckley and I’m with the Los Angeles Fire Department.” Bucks voice was a lot stronger than he thought it would be, but he wasn’t surprised; he could keep himself in check when he needed to. “You can call me Buck; Evan makes me feel like I’m in trouble.”

There was a minute of heavy breathing down the line and Buck looked at Athena, but she nodded, signalling that it was okay.

“I can see you.”

“Good,” Buck said, looking up at the roof now rather than at the phone, where he could see Justin standing close, but not quite, at the edge. “Then you can see that I’m not taking a single step towards the building unless you give me permission to, okay?”

There was a scoff down the line. “You’re running this then.”

“No I’m not, Justin – you are,” Buck said firmly, making sure to keep his voice even. “You are in control here. You.”

A laugh now and Buck saw him start to pace again. “I’m not in control of anything anymore.”

“You’re in control of a lot more than you’re letting yourself believe.”

There was nothing but the sound of the wind and Buck felt a little helpless. He stared up at the roof, just watching Justin pace and hoping beyond hope that he’d done the right thing making the team wait before setting out and inflating the airbags. Buck bit his lip; he didn’t want to force Justin into talking but he couldn’t just stand there waiting for him to speak. He looked down at the phone again.

“How old are you, Justin?”

“We’re not doing this!”

“Doing what?” Buck asked, to which he received no response. Justin’s outburst had been loud enough to hear from the ground without the phone and Buck knew he had to distract him, keep him occupied with new information. He’d have to tell him about himself and he knew going down that route was likely to bring things to the surface he didn’t want anyone to know, and it would be completely his fault in doing it. Sure, he could lie, fabricate a life he hasn’t led but he’s never believed in lying to someone at a time like this.

“I’m twenty-seven by the way; birthday was a couple of months ago. Wasn’t anything special, didn’t really celebrate it – other than having dinner with my sister that is; she took me to that fancy Italian place that opened near the pier.”

He hadn’t been talking to the team at that point, the lawsuit being freshly filed and there being a no-contact recommendation from Mackey. Eddie, Chris and Chim had originally supposed to have joined them, with them all heading to Bobby and Athena’s the following weekend for a party of sorts, but that obviously hadn’t happened. Maddie had had to physically drag him out the house and to the restaurant. He hadn’t even been able to drink the night away because of the blood thinners. It had been right up there on his list of worst birthdays, not that he let Maddie believe that – she’d tried so hard. He could feel the tension rolling off a few people behind him, but he refused to turn round and look at them – he needed to focus on the task at hand.

“I said we’re not doing this!” Justin screamed, and Buck knew he was becoming frustrated. He needed to get him to calm down. “We’re not gonna be all friendly and tell each other about our lives while you try and talk me off this ledge. This is what I want, this is what I’m gonna do.”

“Then,” Buck said softy, looking at the roof again. “Why haven’t you done it yet?”

There was nothing but quiet from everyone while they waited for Justin to answer, though Buck could tell by the way that Bobby had moved closer to him that he wasn’t entirely approving of the way Buck was handling it, but the fact that he was handling it was the only reason he hadn’t been pulled off the call.

“I…” came Justin’s stuttering voice over the line and Buck knew in that moment that it was working, and he was getting through to him.

“You left your number for us to find, you wanted us to call you and you haven’t hung up on me yet,” Buck pointed out, still keeping his voice soft but firm. “How old are you, Justin?”

“Seven-seventeen.” Justin whispered down the line and Buck felt his heart stop.

He closed his eyes, the memories of being the same age washing over him… leaving him feeling cold and empty. Being seventeen had not been a good time for him, a time he’d rather never think about again. He laughed quietly to himself. “I remember being seventeen.”

“And I bet you were having a far nicer time than I am now, huh?” Sarcasm.

Buck shook his head, even though he knew Justin couldn’t see him. “I can guarantee you it wasn’t.”

“No?” Justin sounded sceptical, and Buck didn’t blame him. He knew that if the tables were turned, he’d be feeling the same way.

He laughed sadly again, mindful that those around him were about to learn things about him that he’d never intended them to, and he forced himself to be okay with it. This was a choice, one that he was choosing to make, and he’d have to deal with the fallout. He didn’t have to tell Justin anything about his life, though he knew that making a personal connect with someone yielded far more positive results than not.

“No,” he confirmed. “Being seventeen fucking sucked balls.”

He heard one or two people behind him suck in a breath and he knew he’d most likely be written up for language, but he didn’t care. Anything that kept Justin’s focus on him was good thing in Buck’s eyes, and he was right. Justin snorted for them all to hear.

“I don’t think Sgt Grant will appreciate the swearing.”

“Can you tell from all the way up there?” Buck joked, turning to give Athena a smile that he knew didn’t reach his eyes, finding her giving him a glare that had no heat behind it. “She’s giving me a right good stare-down now – it’s slightly terrifying.”

“Only slightly?” Justin laughed and he watched Athena closely as she patted his arm, silently telling him he was doing a good job, though her stance hadn’t changed much, still said ‘boy, you’re gonna regret that’. “I can tell by the way she’s standing. She’s got a whole ‘oh no you didn’t’ vibe going on.”

“That’s exactly what’s happening right now.”

The line went quiet again and Buck sensed what was coming, was ready for it.

“There’s only one way I’m coming down, Evan.”

He was right. He needed to get to the bottom of the reason why Justin was determined to jump. If he could get to the bottom of that then maybe he could talk through it with him, hopefully get him to choose to come down on his own. He’d rather it be Justin’s choice in the end.

“Why are you up there, Justin?” Buck asked.

“They hate me,” Justin said, sniffing, and Buck could tell he’d started crying. “They’re disgusted by me.”

“Who’s they, Justin?”

“My parents.”

Buck sucked in a breath that did not go unnoticed by either Bobby or Athena (and he was sure the team behind them has heard it to. Buck had a very bad feeling he knew where it was going, and he was not going to like what he was about to hear, but he was a lot more confidently now that he could talk Justin through it.

“Why do you think that, Justin?” he asked quietly, though he knew the answer before it was said.

“Because my sister told that I – I’m gay,” Justin said and Buck closed his eyes, nodding, letting his head hang low. “She - she told them when I wasn’t ready for them to know and we started arguing and they told me they were disappointed in my decision – as if I can fucking decide – and that it’s wrong and – and -.”

Buck knew Justin was beginning to panic. He stood straighter, looking at the roof rather than the phone, seeing the boys pacing has increased and he was starting to stumble.

“Justin, I want you to take a nice deep breath for me and hold it in, okay?” Buck called, not taking his eyes off him. He heard rather than saw him do it. “Good and let it out for me. Do that again a couple more times, okay? Justin?”

“I’m good, I’m good,” Justin said, and Buck let out the breath he hadn’t realised he was holding, and it wasn’t the only one. Pretty much everyone who was listening in on the call had done the same. It had been a tense couple of minutes, but it was okay for the moment, though with the things Justin was letting out, Buck didn’t know how long that would remain the case. “I told her in confidence a couple of weeks ago. I – I thought I could trust herm you know? We’d always been pretty close, and she promised she wouldn’t say anything.”

“And you feel betrayed that she did.” Buck confirmed, knowing exactly how he would have felt.

“Betrayed. Angry. Everything in between,” Justin said bitterly. “She’s barely a year older than me but it turns out she’s seeing someone twice her age, dropping out of college because she’s pregnant with his baby and wanted to ‘lessen the blow’ by telling them about my sexuality first.”

Well, that was a lot to take in, but Buck understood it. No one, no one had the right to out someone against their will. No one had the right to dismiss someone’s feelings to better their own. It was something Buck knew all too well, and he was about to do something he may or may not regret. He knew it was coming, knew he could stop it by why should he?

“I know what it feels like,” Buck said quietly, but he made sure Justin would still be able to hear him.

“No, you don’t!” Justin screamed, his voice echoing through the parking lot. “You don’t know what it’s like to be outed against your will!”

“Yes, I do.” Buck felt all eyes on him. “Because I was fifteen when it happened to me.”

There was a stretch of silence again. No one spoke. No one knew how to respond. He’d kept it to himself for the last twelve years. He’d only really uttered the words to Maddie the night she’d turned up in Abby’s apartment. Buck didn’t think he’d even said it to the people he’d went on dates with, or any of the people he’d slept with. It was his business, no one else’s, and if he wasn’t trying to make a connection with Justin, he wasn’t sure he would have ever told anyone.

“You’re – you’re gay to?”

“I’m bisexual,” he corrected. Saying the words out loud lifted something off his chest. He didn’t dare glance anywhere but up at the roof, not wanting to see the looks on anyone’s faces. There was a sudden pressure round his waist and in the middle of his back. He glanced down at the hands locked round his stomach, instantly recognising them as Hen’s. He allowed himself to smile. If anyone was going to accept him no questions asked it was her. “Trust me when I say I know what you’re going through.”

“Huh.”

Buck leant forward and clicked the call to mute, turning to Bobby. His Captains eyes were wide but Buck couldn’t deal with that now. He kept his voice low, even though he knew Justin wouldn’t be able to hear him at the moment. “Have the airbags set up but have them do it as quietly as they can; I don’t want to spook him.”

Bobby nodded dumbly, a little fazed at being ordered round by one of his firefighters, evidently still in shock by Buck’s revelation. Buck waited long enough for Bobby to give the order before turning the mic back on. Justin still hadn’t said anything but when Buck looked up he found that he’d stopped his pacing and was standing still, though still too close to the edge for Buck’s liking. He sighed.

“You still on the line, Justin?”

“Uh, yeah,” he said, clearing his throat. “What happened to you; what’s your story?”

Buck should have seen that one coming a mile off. Of course he’d want to know. He could skim through it, give him the cliff notes but he somehow didn’t think it would suffice. He had no doubt that he would be questioned about his revelation later, when they were back at the firehouse and as much as he didn’t want them knowing, and as much as it was his story to tell, he’d chosen to bring it up himself. There was a part of him that wanted to tell Justin everything, if so just to get it off his chest and it was such a selfish thought, but there was another part of him that thought that telling Justin everything would not go the way he wanted it to. It was a hard choice, and he felt Hen grip him that little bit harder.

“I tell you mine, you tell me yours, but you gotta sit down first.”

“Deal.”

Buck watched as Justin sat down, one leg hanging over the edge and there was a collective intake of breath coming from behind him. That was not what he had in mind, but he took the fact that he’d gotten Justin to sit down at all as a win. He shed his turnout coat, albeit with difficulty given that Hen had turned into a human koala and stayed latched onto him. She did so eventually after poked at her hands, taking his coat with her as she went. Buck looked down at her, finding her smiling at him with tears in her eyes. He was moved by her open display of emotion towards him, but he knew if anyone was to accept his sexuality no questions asked it would be her. He kissed her cheek, before turning to pick up the phone. He sat down on the trunk of the cruiser, hoping Athena wouldn’t mind too much.

“You ready, Justin, because it’s gonna be a doozy.” There was an affirmative down the line and Buck readied himself to open up about his past, and he had to remind himself that it was his own choice to do so. He blocked out the team (who he knew without having to look at them that they were staring at him) and closed his mind off the sounds around him. “I’d had a couple of girlfriends, nothing serious, because let’s face it; what relationship at that age is serious? I had all the feeling they say you’re supposed to have when you like someone; butterflies, pounding heart, blood flowing to a certain body part.”

There was a snort from somewhere off to his left and Bucks head shot round to see Chim holding his hands up placatingly (Hen also gave him a shift slap round the back of the head and Buck had the pleasure of watching him wince). Buck shook his head at him, knowing Chim was only thinking back to when Buck only ever thought with that certain body part, but Buck didn’t want to think about Buck one-point-oh right now. He bit his lip before continuing.

“There was this guy in the grade above who was out and proud and didn’t give a damn what anyone thought, and he was the guy everyone wanted to be… the one they wanted.” Buck smiled as he remembered the first guy he’d ever felt something for. He’d been tall, dark and handsome with a bone structure even Hen would fawn over. “He was a good guy; model student, athletics team, basketball, student president three years in a row, volunteered at the homeless shelter two blocks from our school on the weekends. Wasn’t really anything the guy didn’t do.”

“Sounds like you were in love with him.”

“Something like that,” Buck said quietly, clearing his throat. “I was struggling with math -.”

“Why is it always math?”

Buck snorted. “Because math is the worst. My teacher suggested a little one on one tutoring with him to get me up to speed, but naturally, I said no because I didn’t want to admit that I needed help. If anyone tells you I can be a little stubborn, they’re telling the truth.”

There were snorts of agreement behind him, and Buck couldn’t even find himself to be bothered by it, it was the truth after all. He let his mind wander back to that time. He’d initially refused the help, fought against the idea of extra help but his parents had insisted saying that if his grades didn’t start improving they wouldn’t support him through college, and he’d be out on his ass the moment they had no legal obligation over him. Hadn’t that been a kick in the teeth? He remembered trying to convince them against it, but he’d come home from school one day to find the guy sitting at the dining table being served milk and cookies by his mother. It had been (still was, if he was honest, if he thought about it hard enough) a painful realisation of the difference his parents treated others compared to how they treated him.

“Took me a couple of months to realise I had the same feelings for him as I had for the girls I’d dated. I was confused, so confused but it didn’t feel wrong. It felt right and normal, so I kissed him one day in the library, freaked out about it and faked sick for a week to avoid him.”

“Sounds… familiar.”

“Yeah?” Buck asked, sitting straighter and looking to the roof again. He had a feeling, and he hoped he was right, but he had a feeling Justin might start really opening up to him.

“I – I was thirteen when I first thought I might not be straight.” Buck nodded along with him. Thirteen was a young age to be debating your sexuality. If he thought he had a tough time of it at fifteen, he didn’t want to imagine what he’d have been like if he’d been younger. “I had thoughts; you know? Seeing guys on TV and thinking ‘wow, he’s hot’ or ‘damn, those arms’.

I was playing spin the bottle with a group of friends and I realised I preferred the kisses on the cheek from the guys rather than the ones on the lips from the girls. No one ever said anything, and I didn’t mention it, but I knew it wasn’t something spoken about with the community my parents are a part of, so I couldn’t exactly come out and say after Church on a Sunday ‘hey mom, dad, I think I like boys because seeing one shirtless makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.”

Buck could sympathise and quick glance at Hen said that she could to. There was a fire behind her eyes, and he knew if she had a chance to get to the parents she would. His own experiences aside, no one – whatever their age – should feel like they couldn’t talk to someone – anyone – about their thoughts or feelings… and he knew he was being completely hypocritical. In his defence though, when he has tried to speak to someone, his feelings have been dismissed or downplayed and the one time in his adult life he spoke to a therapist, he slept with her while being taken advantage of… not even knowing it until it had been pointed out to him.

“I kissed a guy for the first time, properly, just after my fourteenth birthday, when we were on vacation and…”

“And,” Buck prompted gently.

“I liked it, really liked it but he, uh, pushed me away and was just like ‘what the hell?’ and I ran, faked being sick for the remainder of our stay and never told anyone. I couldn’t tell anyone.”

“Not so different, are we?” It was almost the same as what had happened to him.

“I guess not,” Justin agreed. “What happened after?”

“Short story is I apologised, and we were able to talk through it. We dated for the remainder of the year and he respected that it was all new to me.”

It was the wrong thing to say. Justin’s breathing became loud and heavy over the phone.

“So you were out and proud?” Justin spat, and Buck watched in horror as he swung his other leg over the edge.

“I wasn’t out, Justin,” Buck corrected, watching for any other signs of movement. “I’ve never really been out. We dated in secret and he said he was okay with that.”

Justin was silent for a minute or two, but Buck could still hear him breathing. He looked over to the bottom of the building and noted that the rescue bags were securely in place, pumped up and ready. The building itself was a couple of storeys, not massively tall, but even a fall from that height on to the bags could pose an injury risk and if Justin moved too far one side or the other, then he would likely miss the if he went down.

“Was he the one that betrayed you?

Buck was almost startled by the quiet voice, and he could tell he wasn’t the only one. He shook his head, well aware that Justin wouldn’t be able to see from up there, but that everyone else could. “Not him. We’d go to this park near the school after dark; to a tree that was pretty secluded because the roots had grown through the ground and it wasn’t the safest place to get to. The gate were always locked early, but there was a fence with a couple of loose bars that we’d squeeze through. It was the only place we could go and just be us, and that was my fault.”

There had been too many close calls of someone finding them for his liking and it hadn’t wanted to risk being found anymore. It had been Cal’s idea to go to the park. There’d always been a rumour floating round that it was haunted, so everyone had avoided it after dark (stupid really, if he thought about it now) but no one attempted to go in after the gates were locked. They hadn’t been the ones to loosen the bars, but they were the only ones it seemed that utilised their existence. He thought they were safe in the park, they both had, and they had been. Buck shuddered at the memory.

“My neighbour, the only kid on the street my age, followed me one night right to the tree and waited for us to make-out before letting us know she was there.” Buck bit his lip, watching as Carter checked over the pumps, double checking they were working properly. “I asked Cal to leave us to talk, he did, and I begged her not to tell my parents because I wasn’t ready for them know and she -.”

“Promised she wouldn’t,” Justin finished for him, an undertow of understanding in his voice.

“Yeah,” Buck said, clearing away the thickness in his throat.

“Evan,” Justin said, his voice quiet and unsure. Buck looked up, just making out that he was being watched. “She told them, didn’t she?”

“Got it in one. Really thought she wouldn’t.” Buck sighed, rubbing his free hand over his face. “We’d lived next to each other for as long as I could remember. She’d had a crush on me since we were ten, but I’d always seen her like a sister.”

It has been an awkward conversation to have, letting her down gently. Anyone else and he would have shrugged them off, told them he was flattered but not interested… he hadn’t been able to do that with Jen though. Her parents had been going through a nasty divorce and he’d been the only one she could talk to. He’d felt bad for weeks when she’d taken to ignoring him. They’d managed to mend their friendship though, gotten back to a good place… at least he thought they had.

“Our parents tried to push us together, you know, because we were the only two on the street and it would have been easy. They said we’d make the cutest couple at homecoming, that we had potential. My parents couldn’t care less but they were very in with Jen’s mom, so they went along with it.” Buck knew he sounded bitter, but he couldn’t help it. It had been all that was talked about whenever they all got together, and he’d been forced to laugh it off even though he knew it hurt Jen every time it was mentioned. He sighed again, knowing what part of the story came next. He wondered if he should be truthful, whether now was the time or place for him to say it.

“I was finally becoming comfortable enough in myself to admit that I was bi, just not quite enough to tell anyone. Jen left me in the park, and I took the long way home because I needed the time to think but when I got home…” Buck trailed off, tilting his head back as a light breeze passed through. “I found my parents waiting for me on the front porch with her in the middle of them and this stupid, smug smile on her face. I knew what she’d done the moment I saw it.”

He could hear angry mutterings coming from his left, but he didn’t dare look to see who it was, though if he had to take a guess, it would be Hen. He knew she didn’t have the best coming out herself. Buck closed his eyes and took a deep breath, ready to carry on talking but Justin beat with to it.

“What did your parents do?”

Well, wasn’t that the million-dollar question? Buck knew it was coming, knew it was the logical next question. Again, he could lie, give a vague answer but something told him he needed to tell the full truth. It was almost as if he was compelled to, not only for Justin’s benefit, but for the benefit of all those standing around him, the ones that claimed to know him. Would it make them view him a little different? Sure, but was that really an issue right now? They already viewed him differently since he filed the lawsuit. He gave a dry laugh.

“Mom? She did nothing, just stood there staring at me with a look of indifference… she never really cared what I did to be honest, so I don’t think she had an opinion.” His mom never commented on her views on sexuality, it never came up in conversation. His dad was a lot more vocal on the matter. He shook his head again. “My dad though, God he was so angry. He sent my neighbour home to her mom with a smile and a ‘we’ll see you both tomorrow’, ordered me in the house and then…”

Buck froze, the memories of that night flashing before his eyes. It had been a long time since he’d last thought about it. He remembered the screaming, the crying, things being thrown. He remembered his mom trying to calm his dad down, but not once did she try and talk to him; she was more concerned about the freshly laid floor being scuffed, going as far as telling him to ‘move it to the kitchen because it’s getting redone in two weeks anyway’. His headache, which had laid dormant with having no time to think about it was now back with a vengeance, pain vibrating against is skull with every beat of his heart, making him feel nauseous. Buck zoned out, was no longer aware of his surroundings at all. He could feel something shaking, but he didn’t realise it was him. He was back in his childhood home, staring at his fathers red face as he screamed profanities at him.

“Evan?”

Buck snapped back to the present, back from being fifteen and terrified of his father, back to sitting on the hood of Athena’s cruiser and not knowing if that was the first time Justin had called his name or not. He suspected it hadn’t been, there was an urgency to the teens voice that wouldn’t have been there otherwise. He shook himself lightly, careful not to aggravate the pain in his head and pinching the bridge of his nose. He should really ask someone if they had any Tylenol.

“He beat me until I could barely breathe.” Buck’s voice cracked slightly right at the end, and he had to force himself not to break, squeezing his eyes closed and hoping no tears fell.

There was movement behind him, and he didn’t want to look at whoever was approaching. An arm slipped round his shoulder and he was pulled against someone’s chest. He knew it was Athena, could tell by the smell of her perfume. He leant into her touch, collapsing slightly against her chest. He’d never told anyone before, except from Maddie who’d heard the story once and they hadn’t spoken about it again. He hadn’t been intending to tell this much of his story, just wanted to tell Justin the basics but he couldn’t stop. Each part was as important as the one before, it was like he couldn’t say one thing without saying something else and he wished he’d never started, wished he’d thought of another way of getting Justin to talk.

“My dad’s never laid a finger on me…” Justin whispered.

“Good,” Buck said, his voice cracking again as Athena rubbed her thumb lightly against his neck. He cleared his throat, straightening up slightly, though Athena didn’t relent on her hold on him. “It was the one and only time he ever did, but once was enough. What did they say to you?”

“That…”

“Justin?”

“That it wasn’t right, it wasn’t normal, and they wouldn’t even look at me.”

Buck felt as though they were getting somewhere now. He looked up at the sound of shuffling over the line, noting that Justin was no longer sitting with his leg hanging over the edge, he was out of view completely.

“And?” Buck asked.

“And I ran and came here.”

Buck guessed that his decision to climb onto the roof was a rash one - not that it made the threat of him jumping any less serious - but it meant that he may not have thought it through. Buck needed to get him to agree to come back down and then maybe he could… Bobby always told them that they had to walk away when the job was done, but Buck knew he wouldn’t be able to step away. There was a personal connection, Buck had made one, had been what Justin had himself – he wouldn’t be able to just walk away and forget about it when they were done, and he didn’t want to. He wanted to help Justin in every way that he could.

“Evan?” Justin called, and Buck hummed in response. “All this happened when you were fifteen right?

“Yeah,” Buck confirmed, tilting his head to look at the roof again.

“So…” Justin said slowly, and Buck knew what he was about to ask. He had said, right at the beginning, that being seventeen had fucking sucked, hadn’t he? “Why was being seventeen so much worse?”

Regardless of whether or not he knew the question was coming, Buck still had to think long and hard about his answer. He couldn’t just dive right into it, he had to explain how and why he got there. “The day my dad beat me, the day I was outed, was the last time he spoke to me.”

He’d barely looked at him after leaving him fighting for breath on the kitchen floor, ordering his mom to clean him up and get him upstairs and out of his sight. His mom hadn’t even tried to justify his behaviour, just said to stay out of his way from then on as she cleaned and disinfected the cuts on his face, wrapped his wrist and prodded his ribs to see if they’d been broken. They hadn’t been, just heavily bruised but he’d had difficulty taking more than a shallow breath for weeks. He stayed away from his dad, as much as he could but whenever they had to be in the same room there was… nothing.

“We lived in the same house but… he never spoke to me again, wouldn’t look at me. My mom only spoke to me if she needed to.”

She still cooked for him, made sure he had what he needed but told him he needed to find himself a weekend job to keep him out of the house and from under their feet. He worked for the local garage from his sixteenth birthday to the moment he started college.

“My sister had been out of the house for a while at this point, gotten married and living her life. I didn’t want to brag her into my bullshit when she’d gotten out from under our parents thumbs herself.”

He had been part of the wedding party as a groomsman, per Maddie’s request but their parents had only been invited out of curtesy. They hadn’t gone, just sent a well wishes and a gift basket in their place. Buck had gone on his own, spent the weekend watching his sister smile and being happy as he pretended not to be going through a sexuality crisis while she looked at Doug with love and adoration… if only they knew then how it would end years later. She’d been busy with married life and nursing school that they barely got a minute to speak anymore, and she never visited; he didn’t want to waste what time he did get to speak to her by telling her about his problems.

“What happened to the guy you’d been seeing – Cal?”

“He transferred to another school and I never saw him again.” Buck frowned. He’d been so upset when he’d found out he was gone, but it wasn’t like he could come out and say the real reason he was so interested in knowing. Cal hadn’t said goodbye, left him a note in his locker or anything, just… disappeared. He’d tried finding him on Facebook, and any other social media he could think of, a few years ago to no avail. “Still not sure to this day what happened, but I’m almost certain my dad had something to do with it; sure, he wouldn’t’ speak to me but he could be very vocal in other ways. A new independent store opening in town that he didn’t like the look of? Gone within a week. Too much funding going to the arts department at school? It gets cut and moved to the football team. Did I mention he was the owner and CEO of a successful business and was very influential  in the community?”

Buck shook his head. It had been a long time since he’d thought about his dad, or his parents in general, and it always made him feel ill when he did. He hadn’t seen or heard from them in years, didn’t even know if they lived in the same place, ran with the same people, had the same views.

“I had…” Buck stopped himself, knowing he was about to enter very dangerous territory… the very reason why his day had started off so bad, why he usually took it off and spent the day buried under his comforter and slept until a new day dawned. “I was so alone. There was no one I could talk to, no one that would have understood. The only person who knew of anything going on had left me. I wasn’t exaggerating when I said I know what you’re going through because I know exactly how you’re feeling right now. I had a dark cloud hanging over my head. I was in a bad place for such a long time and I forced myself to keep going until I just… couldn’t.”

“I… I don’t understand.”

Justin may not have been able to understand where he was going but the people around Buck could. He heard the soft gasps and the low murmurs. He felt Athena’s hold on him become so tight it hurt. He saw Bobby walked forward and drop to his knees in front of him, reaching to grip onto his free hand and Buck didn’t know whether to hold on tighter or push it away. He took a deep breath, knowing that once the words were out there, there would be no taking them back.

“Ten year ago today, when I was seventeen, I stood on the roof of my high school and tried to throw myself off."