Work Text:
January, Holy Cross
Nicky is almost finished with grading this week’s quizzes when he hears a soft knock at the door. Nicky quickly looks up in surprise, because technically he is holding office hours now but no one ever really shows up, and is surprised to find a student. Mia, a student in his fourth period class, waves to him and enters his classroom. “Hi Mia, what can I help you with today?”
Mia pulls up a chair and places it next to Nicky’s desk, and Nicky quickly clears a space for her at his desk. “Hi Mr. di Genova. I, uh, had a question about today’s class.”
“Yes, of course. What did you have a question about, specifically?” Nicky shifts to grab the textbook they use in case Mia wants to do some practice problems, but Nicky has no plans to open it otherwise. Nicky watches as Mia pulls out her notebook and flips the pages to today’s class, but when she finds her place in the notebook, she doesn’t ask Nicky any questions. Mia just stares blankly at her notebook.
“Mia? Is everything alright?” Nicky is slightly concerned, but he doesn’t want to get too worried in case it’s nothing. Maybe Mia is just tired, maybe she stayed up late to finish a project or study for a test. It’s probably nothing.
Mia snaps to attention and she smiles, maybe even a little embarrassed, Nicky thinks. “Yeah, sorry! I was just thinking of how I wanted to ask the question.”
“Oh, that’s alright. So, what confused you about class today?” Nicky asks again, and watches as Mia points to the top of her page with a shaky finger.
“I, um, I was having a little trouble understanding when we would use the different chi-square tests. Like, for what problems would each test be appropriate.” Mia shifts in her chair, glances quickly at Nicky, and then focuses back on her notebook. She can’t seem to stop bouncing her leg.
Nicky is a little more worried now, but he’s also worried he’s reading too much into this. Maybe Mia is just nervous to come to office hours, maybe she just doesn’t like asking her teachers any questions. Nicky focuses on answering her question. “Okay, no problem. The types of chi-square tests we use in this class are the goodness of fit test and the independence test. The goodness of fit test is used when there is a random sampling, and…”
Nicky lets himself trail off, noticing that Mia isn’t writing any of this down. “Do you need a pen, Mia? I can give you one.” Nicky reaches for the ceramic mug his pens are in, handmade by his sister and given to him on his last birthday, but Mia stops him. “No, sorry, I have pens. I’ll just- sorry.”
Mia reaches into her backpack and pulls out a pen, and sits like she’s going to finally start writing, but Nicky stops her. “Mia, are you sure you’re alright? You seem distracted.”
Mia shakes her head. “No, I’m fine. So, the goodness of fit test?”
Nicky smiles at her and gets back to explaining. “The goodness of fit test uses random sampling and nominal variables, and tests if sample data fits the normal distribution of the population data. It basically tests if the sample data represents the expected population data. Does that make sense?” When Mia nods, Nicky keeps talking. “The chi square test for independence compares the two nominal variables in the table to see if there is an association between the two.”
Mia keeps writing and nodding as Nicky talks, but Nicky has been teaching for a while now, and he can tell when a student comes in confused and when they finally understand the concept. Their eyes widen and their mouth drops open a little bit, and then they start nodding at Nicky a lot. It’s one of Nicky’s favorite things to witness, it shows him that he is actually making a difference in his student’s lives and not just giving them quizzes. Mia is not doing any of that, she keeps her eyes focused on her notebook and keeps bouncing her leg so much it’s making Nicky’s desk shake slightly. Nicky glances at Mia’s notebook to see what she had written down this afternoon when Nicky defined the types of tests, and Nicky sees them defined well enough already.
“Did you want me to go through some problems using each type of test? You can pick any that you think would help you.” Nicky offers, trying to figure out why Mia would come to his office hours, nervous about something, and ask to review a topic she had taken good notes on. Nicky thinks back to this afternoon, tries to remember if Mia had a particularly confused look on her face, but Nicky doesn’t think she did. Nicky usually stops or slows down his lesson when he sees those blank looks from his students, but he didn’t have to do that this afternoon.
Nicky doesn’t reach for his whiteboard marker, just waits for Mia to answer his question. “I actually had another question, if you don’t mind.”
Nicky shakes his head and holds his hands in front of himself, palms up. “Of course not. Ask as many questions as you need.”
Mia doesn’t ask him anything. She tries to multiple times, she opens her mouth and starts to form words, but she keeps cutting herself off. “Mia. Are you sure you’re okay?” Nicky keeps his voice gentle and tries to understand what’s happening. Mia is always very pleasant in his class, she always answers his questions when no one else will and stays engaged in his lectures. Nicky has never seen her like this before.
Nicky notices Mia’s eyes shifting to the door every so often, but when someone closes a door down the hall, Mia jumps and quickly looks toward Nicky’s door. No one walks past his door. Nicky offers the only thing he knows will help right now. “Do you want me to close the door?”
Mia nods, and Nicky moves to quickly shut his door. When Nicky sits down again, Mia looks a little more relaxed. Nicky still thinks she looks like she’s about to shake out of her skin, but he does see her shoulders drop down to a more normal level. “Mia-"
“You talked to Callie last month. Do you remember?” Mia interrupts him, and Nicky suddenly knows what’s going on. Of course he remembers Callie, and Nicky tells Mia as much, and Mia nods slowly. She still hasn’t looked up from her notebook since Nicky closed his door.
“What did Callie tell you she and I talked about?” Nicky asks, just to be sure. Callie was a student in his first period class, and she had come to his office hours last month in a similar state as Mia. Nicky doesn’t want to create trouble where there doesn’t need to be any, but he doesn’t think that is why Mia visited him. Nicky thinks Mia came by to understand a little more.
Nicky watches as a smile grows on Mia’s face, but she still won’t look at Nicky. Nicky doesn’t mind, now that he understands, and it’s not like he minded all that much before. Mia is still visibly nervous, fiddling with the corners of her notebook pages and bouncing her foot, even with the most difficult part of this conversation out of the way. “Callie… she told you that she loved me.”
“Yes, she did.” Nicky isn’t sure what else to tell her, how else to make her calm down. Nicky won’t ask Mia any more questions now, he will wait for her to ask and tell him what she wants to know, but he can’t help if Mia doesn’t say anything else.
Mia finally looks at Nicky. “We’ve been friends since we were six years old.” Mia laughs a little and shakes her head. “Twelve years we’ve been friends, and I… I never knew.”
Nicky shrugs his shoulders. “That’s fine. There isn’t a specific time where you’re supposed to know. You’re allowed to take as much time as you need.” Nicky watches as Mia nods in agreement, like she’s heard that from someone before.
Mia seems to think about what she says next very carefully, but she still doesn’t know what to say. “This has been hard for me, because… I’m eighteen years old, and I…” Nicky doesn’t say anything while she works through this, just listens and waits. “I’ve been listening to Father Miller preach at us for years, and I thought it would be easy to separate that from this, but I…”
Nicky takes a deep breath and feels his jaw click. Nicky has never attended the weekly Friday services the school has for students, but now he knows if he had, he probably never would have made it through one service. Nicky can’t help but hurt for all these kids, he can’t help but feel the ache in his chest for every ounce of pain Mia is feeling, for any other kid who is feeling the same way.
“If I may, Mia?” With Mia’s approval, Nicky starts talking. “Father Miller does not know what he’s talking about.” Mia’s eyes widen in shock, but Nicky keeps talking. “God created you with love, and God does not make any mistakes with those He loves. I don’t know exactly what Father Miller has been saying, but I can promise you that everything he’s said is wrong.”
“How… how do you know that?” Mia asks, tentative with her question.
Nicky doesn’t know how to answer at first, trying to think how he would explain that for all of his life, he’s been taught that God loves him and to never question that. “I think I just know, Mia. I… I feel it, right here.” Nicky taps two of his fingers to his heart, and Nicky watches as Mia tracks the movement and swallows thickly. “I know God loves me the way I know that the sun is going to rise tomorrow. I’ve never had a reason to think otherwise.”
Mia nods, but she still looks shaken, like she wasn’t expecting Nicky to say that. “Mr. di Genova, can I… in class, I know you say things sometimes, or- and you tell kids to stop when they’re being rude, but does…”
Nicky felt like he’s had a good grip on this conversation once he understood what Mia was so nervous about, but now, he’s very confused. What Mia is saying is true, Nicky will tell his students to be quiet if they’re saying something inappropriate or offensive, and he has made some… choice comments about all ‘lifestyle choices’ being acceptable if they feel right to whoever is making them. Nicky has never said anything outright, but if the right person was listening, then they would assume correctly. But still, Nicky doesn’t know what Mia is asking him this time.
“I’m sorry Mia, I don’t know what you’re trying to say.” Nicky frowns, trying to understand, if only to take the pressure off Mia to figure out how to ask. Mia nods and looks at him, still fiddling with her notebook to help with her nerves. Nicky watches as Mia takes a deep breath, probably to psych herself up, and when she finally does ask, Nicky feels his heart finally break in two.
“Are you happy, Mr. di Genova?”
“Oh.” Nicky whispers, not expecting that to be her question. Nicky’s heart feels like it has been stomped on and kicked around for far too long during this conversation, but he knows that is not what Mia is asking. “I am very happy, Mia. I… I have a wonderful family that loves me more than I can ever say, I have amazing friends, and I have a job that is all I could have ever wanted.”
Nicky feels his mouth sour at his last reassurance, feeling less honest about that statement as the seconds pass. He does love his job, he loves teaching and has known he wanted to be a teacher since he was little, but at this moment, he doesn't love where he works. Nicky can’t imagine coming into work tomorrow and greeting Father Miller when he passes his office as he walks to his own classroom. Nicky can’t just come into work tomorrow and pretend that everything is fine. Just the thought of it makes Nicky’s face twist up, but he fixes his face before Mia thinks it’s directed toward her.
“I have an incredibly full and beautiful life, Mia, and…” Nicky takes a deep breath and shakes his head, wishing he could bury his face in his hands and scream instead. “And I don’t know what anyone else has told you, but you will too. No matter what you decide to do.”
Mia looks away from him, eyes glassy as she stares at the windows on the opposite side of his classroom that faces the parking lot. Nicky wishes there was some way to give her a little more privacy, but the best Nicky can do is rest his elbows on his knees and hang his head where he sits.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.” Nicky hears Mia say, and Nicky’s head shoots up from looking at the floor.
“You didn’t, Mia. I’m not upset.” Mia clearly doesn’t believe him, so Nicky amends his statement. “It wasn’t anything you did or said that upset me. I mean it.”
Mia lets out a big breath, smiling a little to herself. “Okay. Okay, alright.” Nicky lets Mia talk to herself a little, watches as she gives herself little reassurances and rolls her shoulders to let out the tension she’s been holding in them. “Thank you, Mr. di Genova. I know this isn’t your job, to- to talk about this stuff, but what you said… thank you.”
“You’re welcome, Mia. I’m more than happy to help.” Nicky shoots her a quick smile and checks the time. 3:45 pm. His office hours ended fifteen minutes ago, but Nicky doesn’t care. “Is there anything else you needed?”
Mia shakes her head. “No thank you, I’m, uh, just gonna go home now. See you in class tomorrow, Mr. di Genova.”
“Have a good night, Mia. See you tomorrow.” Nicky lets Mia leave first, and once Mia is gone and his door is closed once again, Nicky pushes back from his desk and lets his head hang over the back of his chair. Nicky doesn’t know exactly what he’s going to do tomorrow, but he knows he’s going to do something. Nicky isn’t just going to sit around when these kids are hurting, when Father Miller’s words are negatively impacting two of his students and who knows how many more.
The decision is made for him, in the end. Nicky wakes up to an email from Principal Cole, and Father Miller is CC’d on the email. Principal Cole is asking him if he is available for a meeting in his office before first period, but Nicky knows he isn’t really asking. Nicky, never one to not come prepared, opens Word and quickly writes his resignation letter.
When Nicky gets to work, he doesn’t even stop by his classroom to take off his coat or leave his bag behind, he just walks right to Principal Cole’s office. Cole’s secretary, a kind, older woman named Donna, tells him Cole will be ready for him in a few minutes. Nicky waits to be called in, looking for any signs of life through the bottom of Cole’s office door, but he doesn’t see anyone moving around.
Cole’s door opens and standing in its doorway is Father Miller. Nicky’s lips curl in a bastard version of a smile, and Father Miller shoots him a toothy grin in return. “We’re ready for you now, Nicky.”
Nicky resists the urge to roll his eyes and walks into Cole’s office, sitting tall in the middle guest chair while Father Miller stands behind the desk with Principal Cole. Smug bastard, Nicky thinks, looking at how satisfied Father Miller looks standing next to Cole. “Hello, Nicky. Glad we could have this meeting so last minute.” Cole says, and he at least has the professional courtesy to keep his expression neutral.
“Likewise. I was glad you asked for this meeting, actually, because I have some things I would like to discuss with you as well.” Nicky says, and takes great pleasure in how shocked the both of them look. “It’s actually about Father Miller and his Friday services. I have received some student complaints about the topics covered in the services and I was hoping we could address them.”
Principal Cole reaches into a desk drawer of his. “Interesting you should talk about complaints, because we have received several complaints about you as well.” Nicky doesn’t let it show on his face, he knows his expression and body language doesn’t change in any noticeable way, but he is surprised by that. He didn’t know people were complaining about him. He hopes it wasn’t any of his students.
“Parents have not been pleased with your discussion of “lifestyle choices” in the classroom. They have been calling and filing complaints after their children come home and tell the parents about it.” Cole says, pulling out a folder of complaints against Nicky. Nicky doesn’t care about those complaints, but he’s relieved that none of the complaints were filed by his students about his teaching.
“Why wait until now to tell me about the complaints, then?” Nicky asks, still sitting tall. He isn’t intimidated by the men standing in front of him and he isn’t scared that parents have been complaining about him. If Cole actually cared about the complaints, he would have brought them to Nicky sooner, so Nicky knows something else is going on.
“Frankly, the students who are in your classes perform very well, and it makes us look better as a school when we apply for math and science-based programs and grants when we use your class as an example.” At Cole’s words, Nicky feels his mouth tick up in a little smile. Nicky does his job well, and he knows it. “But this morning, Donna found a voicemail from a very frustrated parent that was left last night. The parent claims you shared your… radical beliefs with their child, when you were in no position to do so. The parent would like there to be consequences.”
Nicky knows Cole is talking about his conversation with Mia yesterday, and Nicky also knows that Mia’s family gives a lot of money to the school. Nicky would bet everything he owns that Mia said something last night, and her mom called the school and threatened to pull their donation. Nicky knows it’s a lot of money, so it makes sense for Cole to be worried, but this whole thing still makes Nicky’s stomach roll.
“What kind of consequences?” Nicky asks, trying to remember which pocket of his bag he folded his letter of resignation into this morning.
“If you do not stop, we will have to ask you to leave Holy Cross.” Cole says, and Nicky watches as Father Miller tilts his head and smiles at Nicky, and Nicky just… snaps. Nicky is not one to show his anger or frustration quickly. Nicky is usually more patient with his responses; he usually prefers to express his emotions through his actions rather than his words. But all Nicky can see is Mia’s face as she asked Nicky if he was happy, heartbroken and truly believing that she would never have a fulfilling life, like Nicky was going to break her heart whether he had answered yes or no. So, Nicky snaps.
“Do you know what he’s telling these kids in his services?” Nicky points a finger at Father Miller, and Cole looks surprised by his reaction. While Nicky’s voice is measured and he isn’t exactly yelling, it’s clear he’s not pleased. Nicky has never talked back to Cole in all the time he’s worked here, and no one has ever seen him this upset, certainly not Cole. “They are children, Father. You are preaching hate and evil to children . Do you not understand the damage you are causing?”
Nicky stares at Father Miller, waiting for either of them to respond. When no response seems to be coming, Nicky knows Cole isn’t going to reprimand Father Miller or ask him to stop. He likely already knows what Father Miller has been saying. Nicky keeps talking. “They look up to you Father, and they trust you at your word when you stand up at that podium every Friday. They trust you to be kind and thoughtful, but more than that, they trust you to be honest with them. You have not been honest with them where it counts, Father.”
Cole spreads his hands between the two of them, like he’s going to stop Nicky from saying anything else and prevent Father Miller responding, but he’s too late. “Nicky, I don’t think you are in a position to lecture me about how to preach. God says-"
Nicky doesn’t let him finish. Nicky shoves his chair back and quickly stands up, his thighs just brushing Principal Cole’s desk. Nicky can hide his expressions when he wants to, Nicky can be overflowing with happiness and only let a small smile show on his face, but he makes sure to show exactly how he’s feeling now. Nicky lets his disgust and anger show in his eyes, makes sure he lets his lip curl. Nicky speaks slowly, and very coldly, making sure every word hits Father Miller like a bullet. “Do not speak to me about God, Father. You know nothing of God, and you should be ashamed of yourself for the show you have been putting on all these years.”
Without looking back to Father Miller, Nicky turns to Cole and shakes his head. “There have to be consequences? Here’s one- I quit, effective immediately.” Nicky takes great pleasure in how bewildered Cole looks as Nicky grabs his letter of resignation from the outside pocket of his bag. Nicky unfolds the piece of paper and slams it down on Cole’s desk. “I will sort everything out with Donna on my way out.”
Nicky turns and doesn’t look back as he slams the door to Cole’s office. By the time he reaches Donna’s desk, just one thin wall dividing her office from Cole’s, Nicky is perfectly calm and polite. No one would know that he just quit his job and stormed out of Cole’s office by looking at him, but of course everyone does. All eyes are on him in the office as he approaches Donna’s desk, both faculty and student, and Nicky knows the story will be out before first period even starts.
“Hi, Donna.” Nicky sits in the chairs in front of Donna’s desk, but he doesn’t anticipate staying long. “Are there any specific papers I need to fill out right now, or can I just email you?”
Donna shakes her head, smiling softly at Nicky. “Don’t worry about it, honey. I’ll take care of what I can and I’ll email you the rest.” Donna reaches across her desk and briefly grips Nicky’s shoulder, which surprises Nicky. “That took some real courage. Good luck, Nicky.”
Nicky shoots her a quick smile and stands up to leave Donna’s office, but her words feel empty to Nicky. “Thank you, Donna. I’ll get back to your email as soon as I can.” Nicky turns to leave, but suddenly remembers something and turns around. “You wouldn’t happen to have a box I could use, would you?”
Donna quickly runs to the back of the office and returns with a medium sized brown box. Nicky says thank you one more time and then he is walking to his classroom for the last time. Nicky didn’t bother unlocking his door when he came in, so a couple kids are lined up in front of his door for first period, and he smiles at them quickly before he unlocks his door and lets them walk in before him. They are all staring at him and the box he’s carrying, at how he’s not really holding his bag and coat correctly since he rushed out of Cole’s office so quickly, but none of them ask. Nicky suspects they’ve already heard the story, but he’ll say something to them before he leaves.
Nicky sets his box down on his desk and starts to clean out his desk, first clearing out all the papers and folders from his drawers, then cleaning off the top of his desk. Nicky makes sure to put the ceramic mug on top of all his stuff, gently. Nicky quickly looks around his classroom to check that he isn’t forgetting anything, scans the back counter and the window ledge, and his eyes catch a poster he put up at the beginning of the year. It’s placed directly in the middle of the back wall, all the way behind his student’s desks.
Nicky would feel bad about this, but it’s his last day and it’ll hopefully break the ice a little. “Emani, would you mind grabbing my poster from the back wall, please?” Nicky waits for her nod before he moves to his classroom door to take down his other poster. Nicky is rolling up the poster in his hands when Emani approaches his desk with the poster, looking at him tentatively.
“You can ask, Emani. I don’t mind answering some questions.” Nicky says, but then addresses all of the students who arrived early to his class. “Actually, everyone, I’m not sure what you heard, but I quit this morning. I’ll be leaving before first period.”
His students are struck silent for a beat, and then everyone is yelling over each other to try and ask questions or prevent Nicky from leaving. Nicky checks the clock and sees they have six minutes before first period starts. Nicky knows he can get through all of their questions and protests and give a little goodbye before the bell rings, but only if they let each other talk. Nicky calls out a few times to quiet them down and sits on the outside edge of his desk to talk to them.
“I know, and I’m sorry to leave so suddenly and in the middle of the school year, but I… it was the right thing to do.” Nicky says, making sure to look around his room to address all of them. “I’ll answer any questions you guys may have, but it needs to be in the next six minutes.” They have less time now, but Nicky doesn’t think that’ll help anything.
Erik raises his hand in the second row, and Nicky smiles at the gesture. He’s going to miss them. Nicky nods to Erik to ask his question, but Nicky already knows what it’s going to be. “Why’d you quit, Mr. di Genova?”
Nicky sighs, thinking about how much to tell them. On one hand, they’re high school children who really don’t need to know what he said to Father Miller. On the other hand, Nicky quit because he couldn’t just sit around and teach at a school that allowed Father Miller to keep preaching to children. If Nicky didn’t say anything to them, would he really be making a difference in this situation? Cole would just replace him with a different teacher, and no one would know why this was so important to him.
Nicky had already quit anyways, so there wasn’t anything else here for him to lose. “Parents have been filing complaints against me to the school for quite some time about how I support too many “radical” ideas in my class.” Nicky makes the air quotes with his fingers, which makes some of the kids laugh. “Principal Cole wanted me to stop or he was going to ask me to leave. I had already decided to quit this morning though, so I handed in my letter of resignation this morning, and here we are.”
There was silence in his classroom, and then there was a lot of noise. Nicky heard a mix of clapping, loud ‘oh my God’s’, and low toned, slow ‘ooh’ sounds. Nicky wants to tell them more, though, so he waves his arms a little to get their attention and they slowly quiet down. “It also came to my attention the discriminatory and hateful things Father Miller has been preaching. I wasn’t going to work at a school that allowed that kind of speech from the faculty, and when I raised these concerns to Principal Cole, he didn’t say anything about it.” Nicky has to stifle a laugh when he hears someone whisper “fucking dick” from the back, but he doesn’t say anything. They all see him poorly hiding his laughter anyways, so there wouldn’t be a point.
“Where are you gonna work now, Mr. di Genova?” Jonathan suddenly asks from his left, and Nicky feels his stomach drop for the first time since he stepped into the building this morning. Nicky doesn’t have a job anymore. Nicky doesn’t know what he’s going to do next.
“I’m not sure.” Nicky says. "I could always go back to Italy for a while, be a translator or an English tutor.” Nicky means for it to come across as a joke, but his students don’t seem to like the idea of him leaving the country. Nicky doesn’t want to think about what that means for them when he walks through his door for the last time. They only have four and a half minutes left.
“Who’s gonna be our new teacher?” Emani asks, and Nicky wishes he had a good answer for her too.
“I don’t know. For today, I can only assume they’ll have different teachers coming in throughout the day when they have free periods. You will most likely have a grad student in a week or two who will stay teach until they find a permanent replacement.”
A large group of students walks through the door but they stop when they see Nicky sitting on his empty desk. Nicky wishes he could give them more than a sorry excuse for a smile and tell them to take their seats. “Any questions you guys have, I’ll do my best to answer them in the next four minutes.”
One of the students from the group doesn’t find their seat, they just stand in front of the doorway. Nicky looks over to see what they’re doing, and Nicky sees Callie looking at him with wide eyes. “You’re really leaving?” Callie asks.
Nicky nods, tries to think of a way to tell her that none of this was Mia’s fault, that Nicky made this decision on his own and no one forced him to. He can only imagine what’s going through her head. “Yes. This was my choice, and no one is to blame but me. It was the right thing to do, and I wouldn’t change anything about how it happened.”
Nicky watches as Callie nods at him and then pulls out her phone to send a text. Nicky hopes that his words are of some comfort to the two of them, that they believe him when he says that none of it is their fault. If anyone else would have told him what Father Miller was preaching or if he had been called to Principal Cole’s office for any reason and he showed Nicky the complaints, he would have quit anyways. Nicky was never going to stay, no matter how he ended up in Cole’s office.
But Nicky knows it doesn’t seem right to his students. It isn’t fair to lose a teacher in the middle of the school year, it isn’t fair that Nicky doesn’t have the answers they want, and it isn’t fair that they lose their teacher because some people won’t change their policies. “Guys, I know that this is bad timing, and it isn’t fair to any of you. I’m sorry for how this is happening, but I… I couldn’t stay.” Nicky watches as his student’s faces change when he adopts a serious tone, sees them sit up straighter and check the clock. Nicky has less than two minutes left.
“Be nice to the sub they pick to replace me, yes? I don’t want any of you giving them a hard time or making their job more difficult than it needs to be.” That makes some of them laugh, and Nicky feels pride swell in his chest. “I am thankful for everything I learned here and all the experiences I had, but it’s time for me to move on.”
Nicky picks up his box of stuff and places it on his hip, getting ready to walk out the door. “Good luck with the rest of the school year. You will all do great, no matter who your new teacher is.” Nicky says a final goodbye to his students and when they all smile and wave him goodbye, Nicky hopes they’ll be okay. He knows they’re all good kids, they’re smart and funny and eager to learn, but this is not what they were expecting when they came to school this morning.
As Nicky lets the door close behind him, he realizes he won’t get the chance to explain to his other class periods what happened, he won’t get to answer their questions and say an awkward goodbye to them as he leaves. Nicky knows they’ll hear everything from the kids in his first period class, have probably heard enough through their friends and teachers who like to gossip a little too loudly, but they won’t hear anything from him.
After Nicky puts his box in the trunk of his car, he takes one last look at Holy Cross. Nicky can see his classroom from his parking spot, and he takes a deep breath as he takes it in for the last time. Nicky sees his students—his former students —listening as someone addresses them at the front of the class. Nicky realizes he left his classroom without waiting for another teacher to come in and watch the students, which would have been a problem if he was still employed at the school, but he’s not.
Nicky doesn’t have a job, and he doesn’t even know of any places that are hiring. Nicky doesn’t have a job anymore, and for the first time in a long time, Nicky doesn’t know what to do next. He just quit without any kind of a plan, he left his students in an unfortunate situation, and now he doesn’t have a job . Nicky drives back to his apartment, but he isn’t really paying attention and it’s a miracle he gets there without any accidents. Nicky has never gone through any part of his adult life without a plan, and he feels lost without one now.
Nicky is in his apartment for all of thirty seconds before his eyes land on the picture of him, his Mamma and Pap à , and his sister at their house in Genoa. Alessa took the photo the last time they were all together, and Nicky had it framed the second he was back in America. He misses his family, he misses being right next to the sea, he misses his favorite bakery a few streets from his house, he misses the color and vibrancy of Genoa. Nicky misses his Mamma, misses her warmth and kindness. Nicky misses being home .
Nicky buys a ticket home before he can even think about it.
~~~
January, Genoa
After Alessa sighs for the tenth time in three minutes, Nicky can’t take their tense, awkward silence anymore and sits up from where he was laying down on the couch. “If you have something to say, I would rather you tell me than-” Nicky gestures at their surrounding silence and Alessa’s sighing, “this.”
Alessa glares at him, but Nicky can see the exact moment she decides to let him have it. “Fine. I don’t understand this, Nico.” Alessa's tone starts off hard, but by the end she sounds desperate to know what’s going on with Nicky. “I don’t understand why you left Holy Cross, I don’t understand why you fled back home, and I certainly don’t understand why you’re basically giving up right now.” Alessa sits up too, throws her arms out by her side in frustration and lets them slap back down against her thighs.
Nicky feels his heart stop, feels his breath catch in his throat as her words hit him. Nicky knows he hasn’t explained why he quit, hasn’t said anything about Holy Cross since Mamma and Pap à found him sitting on their front porch with his bag and he told them he quit, but he expected Alessa to at least give him the benefit of the doubt. Nicky had expected his sister to at least believe that he had a good reason for quitting and coming home for support. “Is that what you think? You think I just gave up?”
Alessa must see the hurt on his face because she tries to take back what she said and reach out for Nicky. “Well, I… Nicolò…”
Nicky stands up with a deep breath, runs his hands through his hair that he’s let grow out a little since he’s been staying in Italy. Nicky paces in front of Alessa and the couch she’s still sitting on, trying to figure out what he wants to say to her. Nicky isn’t usually quick to fight with her, but he’s been home a little over a week and things have been tense between him and Alessa the entire time, just building up for this moment. “I- I didn’t just give up . Do you think I wanted to stop teaching, Alessa? You think I wanted to quit my job with no plan?”
Alessa exhales and runs her hands through her own hair, and in the moment, Nicky hates seeing his own behavior reflected back at him from Alessa, even though they both picked it up from Mamma. “I don’t know what to think, Nicolò, because you won’t talk to us! What am I supposed to do when you come home suddenly and tell us you quit?”
“I want you to trust me!” Nicky looks out the front window out of habit, checking to see if Mamma and Pap à are close to coming back from the store yet, seeing how much longer he and Alessa have on this fight. “I want you to believe me when I tell you I quit for a good reason but I don’t want to talk about it right now. I want…”
Nicky trails off, not quite sure what he wants from Alessa. He knows he doesn’t want to fight with her, though, not when he came home to be with his family. “I’m not giving up. I just wanted to come home.” Nicky looks out the front window again, this time avoiding Alessa’s wide eyes that might be a little glassy. Nicky takes a deep breath, still thinking about Alessa’s words. Nicky doesn’t think he’s given up, doesn’t think his need to see his family after quitting is giving up . He doesn’t know what Alessa has been seeing in him that she interpreted as giving up, but Nicky doesn’t want to think about it anymore. Nicky deflates, whatever weak fight he had in him leaving. “I don’t want to fight with you right now, please.”
Alessa stands up and approaches Nicky, pushing off the couch with her hands. “Alright, okay.” Nicky knows that’s as close to an apology as he’s going to get from her, but he doesn’t need anything more. Alessa gently wraps her arms around Nicky’s shoulders, and Nicky is quick to wrap his own arms around Alessa. Alessa sighs deeply next to Nicky’s ear, and it takes everything Nicky has not to pinch her for it. Instead, he wraps his arms tighter around her and relaxes.
“Imagine what our younger selves would think at the sight of us hugging after a fight.”
Nicky takes the peace offering gladly and feels a smile stretch over his face at the thought. “We would probably think Pap à was forcing us. Remember when he tried doing that?”
Alessa groans at the memory, which only makes Nicky smile more. Those months when Alessa was ten and Nicky was fifteen are forever burned in both of their minds, when Pap à would force them to hug after they had a fight until Mamma convinced him he wasn’t helping the situation. “Don’t remind me. I don’t need anything else to talk to my therapist about.”
Nicky separates from Alessa laughing, and Alessa smiles back at Nicky at the sight. Alessa holds Nicky’s shoulders for a second before she pushes him back to the couch, grabbing blankets and pillows from the chest at the end of the couch. “Let’s watch a movie.”
Nicky narrows his eyes at her, instantly suspicious at the suggestion. “Fine, but it can’t be that movie about the little girl.” Alessa rolls her eyes at him and puts a movie in the DVD player, but she doesn’t show the movie to Nicky before she puts it in. Nicky is even more suspicious now, since she would do the same thing when they were little. “I’m serious, Alessa.”
“Oh, relax Nico. It’s not Matilda .” Alessa says, sitting across from Nicky and pushing her toes under his thighs. Nicky makes a face at her cold feet but he lets it happen. “I don’t know why you hate that movie so much anyways.”
“Because you would make us watch it every weekend until I left for university.” Nicky settles further into the couch, pulling the blanket closer to himself and wrapping it tighter around his shoulder. “I could recite the whole movie by the time I was fourteen because that’s how much we watched it.”
“You’re exaggerating.” Alessa presses play on the movie and pulls the blanket closer to herself, rolling her eyes at Nicky. Nicky thinks about pulling the blanket closer to himself again but decides to just grab another blanket, figuring a blanket wasn’t worth fighting over right now. Nicky is about to lay the extra blanket over himself and get comfortable when the opening scenes of the movie play. Nicky looks over at Alessa with wide eyes, and Alessa cackles at his expression and turns the volume up on the movie. Nicky balls up the extra blanket he grabbed and throws it at Alessa’s face, and then he’s laughing loudly and snorting at Alessa. Alessa makes fun of Nicky snort and Nicky makes fun of Alessa for still liking a kid’s movie at twenty five, and that is how Mamma and Pap à find them when they get back from the store.
They both get an earful from Mamma about how they’re both adults, they shouldn’t be throwing blankets at each other and fighting over a movie, but Nicky knows that Mamma isn’t really upset with them. Nicky can see it in her smile, a quirked up, barely there smile, but Nicky still sees it. Nicky knows Mamma is happy that he’s home, even if she’s still pushing Nicky to tell her why he came home, and Nicky knows Mamma is even happier to have Alessa and Nicky home at the same time. With Mamma half-heartedly telling them to act like the adults they are and Pap à shooting them a fond look as he follows Mamma to put the bags away, Nicky knows he made the right choice in coming home.
~~~
March, The Griffin
“Hey.”
Nicky looks up from wiping down the bar to see a woman leaning against the counter on her crossed forearms. She very obviously checks Nicky out, but Nicky just shoots her a little smile and pushes the cleaning rag to the side. “Hi. Can I get you something?”
The woman purses her lips and twirls some of her hair around her index finger, deciding what she wants to drink. Nicky waits for her to decide patiently, quickly glancing over at Amy to make sure she was doing okay. This was only her fourth shift, and she’s quick on her feet so Nicky isn’t usually worried about her, but there was a bachelorette party here tonight and Nicky didn’t want her to get overwhelmed. “Well, what do you recommend?”
Nicky thinks for a moment, trying to pick a good drink for her. Nicky isn’t interested in what she seems to be offering, but he doesn’t want to give her a bad drink. “You like rum?” When the woman smiles and nods, Nicky starts making her a mojito. Nicky slides the drink over the counter to her, and he expects her to leave and go back to her group, but she stays and introduces herself. “I’m Ava.”
“I’m Nicky.” Nicky doesn’t really know what to say after that. This isn’t the first time he’s been flirted with while he was working, and it certainly isn’t the last, and he usually has a little more fun with it but tonight he just isn’t feeling it. It’s more common for people to approach Nicky to talk about their problems or to get advice, and after the fifth time someone got drunk and confided in him, Amy tells him he just has that type of friendly face that people find approachable.
Ava smiles at Nicky, deciding to sit down at the bar instead of going back to her group. She adjusts the top of her dress, and Nicky looks around the bar to try and make eye contact with someone to get him out of this situation. “I like your earrings, Nicky.”
Nicky reflexively touches his earrings, little silver hoops he’s had since he was twenty years old. Nicky doesn’t wear them often, doesn’t even really remember getting his ears drunkenly pierced with his friends, but he’ll wear them when he feels like it. “Oh. Thank you.”
Ava is about to say something else to Nicky when another woman approaches them and grabs onto Ava’s arm with a smile. “You good?” Ava reassures the other woman that everything is fine, that she was just talking , and the other woman laughs and nods. “Can we get some shots? Like… twenty shots. Vodka”
Nicky looks over at the booth the two of them came from, full of women in sashes and cheap tiaras, and assumes they’re part of the bachelorette party. Nicky pulls out a tray and twenty shot glasses and fills them with all vodka, only noticing then that the second woman has a sash on that says ‘Bride’ in big, swooping letters. Nicky nods at her sash and congratulates her as he pushes the tray of shots toward the two women.
The second woman practically beams when Nicky congratulates her while Ava looks at her fondly. As the second woman is gushing about her soon-to-be husband and her dress and how she was finally able to book the perfect venue at the last minute, Ava’s simple fond look turns into fond exasperation and she whispers “ sorry ” to Nicky. Nicky shakes his head with a smile, more than happy to listen to this stranger talk about her wedding and her husband with obvious pride and love.
Ava takes a shot while her friend is explaining to Nicky how difficult it was to make a seating chart that created both the right kind of drama and the right amount of drama at the reception. “See, I didn’t want anything that was going to ruin my wedding or was going to be too embarrassing, but I also wanted something fun to talk about after, you know? What’s a big event without a little drama.”
Nicky nods like he knows exactly what she’s talking about, and without breaking their eye contact, pours more vodka into the empty shot glass Ava just took. Out of the corner of his eye, Nicky can see Ava’s shocked expression turn into one of delight at the extra shot.
Ava lets her friend talk to Nicky for a few more minutes before she sighs and grabs her friend’s arm to drag her back to their booth. “C’mon, let Nicky get back to his job. He doesn’t want to hear you brag about your wedding all night.”
Ava drags her friend away with one hand and dangerously balances the tray of shots on her other hand while her friend tries to turn around and wave goodbye to Nicky. Nicky smiles at her and waves back, wishing her a long and happy marriage.
Nicky goes through the rest of his shift absentmindedly, pouring drinks and making casual conversation with people who seem like they need it. Ava comes back up to the bar a few more times to get more shots for her friends, and once she realizes her flirting isn’t working with Nicky, she stops but still keeps up a conversation with Nicky while he’s pouring her more shots.
“Thanks for indulging my friend for a while. Her wedding is all she’s been able to talk about for months , so she gets so excited when she finds someone new to talk to about it.” Ava says, pulling her curly hair into a bun on the top of her head with a sigh. Ava and her friends have been at the bar for at least three hours, and Ava seems to be the only one who is mostly sober, so Nicky can only assume she’s getting tired of the drinking games and the shouting.
“I was happy to listen to your friend.” Nicky reassures her, now filling up a tray of tequila shots for her and her friends. Nicky can’t imagine their night out lasting much longer after this round of shots. “It is not everyday that I hear good stories from people who come in, so it was nice to hear your friend’s stories.”
What Nicky said makes Ava pause and shoot Nicky a little smile. “That’s actually really sweet.” Ava reaches for the tray of shots and shifts it so she can get a good grip on it, and tries to reach for her phone to check the time, but finds she can’t move her arms that much to turn her phone on. “When’s last call?”
Nicky looks over at the clock that hangs over the door, placed perfectly for the bartenders to check the time. “In about an hour.”
“Okay, um…” Ava shifts her eyes up and moves her head side to side, like she’s mentally planning out the rest of the night after they leave the bar. “Okay, if someone from our booth who isn’t me comes up here and tries to order more shots, can you just give them water, please?”
Nicky laughs, not expecting that to be part of her plan for the rest of the night. “Yes, I can do that.” It won’t be hard to spot someone from the bachelorette party if they come up to the bar, all of them still wearing either their tiaras or sashes, and it’ll take less than a second for Nicky to tell Derek and Amy to cut them off.
Ava thanks him with a smile, backing up toward the booth her friends are in. Nicky watches as the other women shout and clap when they see Ava return with their shots, and Nicky expects them to down them quickly and fall asleep in their booth, but to his surprise they all raise their shot glasses at him and shout for him to take one with them.
Nicky starts to shake his head and say no, but then Derek and Amy, who are also behind the bar working with him, join in on the shouting for Nicky to take a shot with the rest of the women. Nicky shoots the two of them a look that he hopes conveys how little he plans on helping close up tonight after this, but quickly takes out a shot glass and pours himself a shot of vodka.
Nicky raises his shot glass and on the count of three, takes a shot with a bachelorette party he does not know, listening to his coworkers whistle at him. Nicky only barely manages to suppress the urge to stick his tongue out and shake his head after he feels the effect of the vodka on his throat, and it’s only because he’s at work and he wants to remain professional.
Amy approaches him with a dangerous smile after he takes his shot and puts the vodka back on the shelf, and Nicky is instantly suspicious of whatever she’s about to say. Nicky tilts his head and makes a circular motion with his hand, as if to say okay, let’s hear it .
“Nicky!” Amy cries out, arms raised by her head like she is celebrating Nicky. “Who would have guessed you’d be so popular with the ladies?”
“I have been told women want what they can’t have.” Nicky says with a little smirk.
Amy makes a noise of disgust and leans next to him, her lower back pressed against the bar counter. “That one woman came up like, what, five times?” Nicky hums in agreement and Amy continues. “And she only came up to get shots from you .” The way Amy says ‘you’, in a high pitched, sing-song voice has Nicky trying to suppress a little smile.
“Your point?” Nicky asks dryly, pretending that he’s not having as much fun with this conversation as Amy is.
“My point ” Amy says, rolling her eyes at Nicky, “is that you were like some kind of pseudo-shot girl tonight. You have to teach me your ways, show me how to be irresistible to the beautiful women who come in here.”
“Shot girl?” Nicky feels his eyebrows furrow as he tries to place the term, tries to remember if he’s heard it somewhere else before and can put it in this context.
“Oh! Sorry, it’s like…” Amy trails off, her hands moving wildly in front of her as she tries to find a good way to explain the term to Nicky. “So it’s like, a woman who’s very hot, and she works at bars and parties, and her job is to go around with alcohol and pour shots for people. There’s definitely some dancing and flirting involved too.”
“Right. A shot girl.” Nicky looks down at the bar counter and grasps at the cleaning rag he set aside earlier, wiping down the bar even though it’s clean enough. A shot girl.
“Exactly. So, you know, based on tonight’s evidence, you’d make a killer shot girl. Or boy, I guess.” Amy says with a little laugh, back still pressed to the bar and facing the shelves behind the bar. “You should look into it. You’d make so much money in tips.”
Nicky smiles tightly, still not looking up from the counter. Nicky knows Amy is joking, he knows that Amy really doesn’t think Nicky should think about becoming a shot girl, but he feels his chest tighten all the same. It’s not that there is anything bad about being a shot girl, it’s just that’s not who Nicky is, it’s not where Nicky wants to be. Nicky is a teacher, has known he’s wanted to be a teacher for what feels like his whole life, but now it feels like he couldn’t be further from that path if he tried.
“Hey, you okay?” Amy asks, turning to face Nicky head on. Amy’s eyes are wide and searching, looking for any clue as to what’s bothering him. Nicky is usually quick to banter with Amy, since she not-so-secretly reminds Nicky of Alessa, so Amy quickly notices when Nicky goes quiet. It’s not like Nicky to be so quiet, despite what others may think, especially people he’s comfortable around.
“Yeah, of course.” Nicky reassures her with a little smile, but Nicky knows it looks forced. “Just give me a minute, yes?”
Amy nods, and Nicky gently grips her arm before he walks toward the back door that leads to the alley outside. He doesn’t want Amy to think his change in mood is her fault, doesn’t want her to feel guilty over her little joke. Because it was funny, or it would be funny is Nicky wasn’t still feeling a little raw about his job status, if he wasn’t still sensitive over how he left Holy Cross.
Nicky is almost out the back door when Derek grabs his arm, gently, forcing Nicky to stop walking. Nicky turns around and sees Derek looking at him with worried eyes, his mouth set in a harsh line. “Nicky, man, where are you going?”
“Just-- outside for a little bit. I need some air.” Nicky’s voice sounds weak, to his own ears and definitely to Derek’s. They’ve only been working together for a month, but they’ve developed an easy friendship, they’re able to read each other a little bit.
“You’re not..offended by what Amy said, are you?” Derek asks, only confirming his suspicions that Amy was worried about Nicky and sent Derek after him, worried that she had hurt his feelings. Nicky makes a mental note to reassure her before their shift ends, to make sure she knows that he wasn’t hurt by her joke at all. Might even have found it funny, at a different point in his life, the image of him walking around with shot glasses and bottles and dancing. That’s probably where Amy was going with the joke.
“Of course not. I just-” Nicky takes a deep breath, runs his fingers through his hair. “I’m not a shot girl, I’m a teacher, and now...I quit the only job I ever had or wanted, and now I don’t know when I’ll be able to teach again.”
Derek shakes his head at him, a confused look on his face. “Nicky, you’ll teach again, don’t worry about that. Are you really worried that no one will hire you in the fall?”
Nicky shrugs, not willing to give a voice to that fear just yet. It’s not like he could ask for a recommendation letter from Holy Cross after how he left, and asking for a recommendation from someone he knew at least twelve years ago isn’t really a good choice either. “Can I just have a minute?”
Derek nods silently, leaves Nicky in the doorway to have a moment alone. Nicky goes outside to the alley and leans against the brick wall, purposely not thinking about how dirty this wall is. Nicky takes a deep breath, trying to gather his thoughts and calm himself down enough to help close. (Nicky was always going to help clean up, his threat empty). He is afraid that he will never teach again, afraid that he left Holy Cross on such bad terms that he can’t ask for a recommendation letter from the job he’s had for the past ten years. Nicky has only ever wanted to be a teacher, and the thought of starting over or not being able to teach for a while is making something heavy settle in his gut, weighing him down. It’s also about not being where he’s supposed to be, not being able to do the one job he’s ever wanted, walking away from the one thing he knew he was good at.
Nicky exhales, convincing himself that he isn’t supposed to be anywhere, where he is is a great place to be, and pushes all thoughts of a recommendation letter from his mind. He’ll be fine, come August, he’ll have a teaching job and be okay. Nicky walks back inside and behind the bar, taking his place next to Amy and wiping down the counter and picking up any stray glasses. Amy looks at him with wide eyes, worried about what she said and concerned about Nicky, and Nicky wastes no time reassuring her that her joke was funny, that he isn’t upset with her in any way. Amy nods, and the two of them finish their shift in silence, cleaning up the bar and talking about any plans they have.
Nicky, Derek, and Amy walk to their cars, waving goodbye to each other. Nicky has ever intention of driving to his apartment and immediately falling asleep, but he ends up driving right past his apartment, and finds himself in the Holy Cross parking lot. Nicky turns the car off but doesn’t leave his car yet, keeps his hands on his steering wheel and just looks at the school, at what used to be his classroom.
Nicky sighs and gets out of his car and sits on the hood of his car, pulling his knees to his chest and wrapping his arms around himself. Nicky had no intention to come here tonight, hasn’t been back here since he quit, but a part of him is glad he drove here tonight. He needs to say goodbye, he needs to make peace with the fact that he quit and is no longer a teacher, needs to accept that his life has taken a turn he hadn’t expected.
Nicky sits on the hood of his car, in his old parking spot, staring at his old classroom, and makes his peace with everything. Nicky made a decision, an easy but heart wrenching decision, and he needs to accept that and move on. Teaching is his calling, nothing has ever felt more natural to him, it’s who he is. But he gave it up, and he doesn’t regret it, doesn’t regret his reasons for leaving. Nicky is a bartender and he is a teacher, and he is where he’s meant to be right now. Nicky likes his job, likes his new coworkers and friends, and he would never have met them had he not quit, can’t help but think that maybe he was supposed to end up at The Griffin.
Everything happens for a reason, and if he was meant to quit and be a bartender for a while, then that is what he’s going to continue to do. Maybe the next part of his life will be full of fun surprises, nice coworkers who he stays friends with well after they all retire. Maybe he just stays at The Griffin for another year or two, doesn’t have any luck finding a teaching job for a while. That wouldn’t be so bad, Nicky thinks, he enjoys Derek and Amy as friends, and maybe they’re who Nicky is supposed to stay in contact with until he’s old and gray. Nicky takes a deep breath, tells himself something he’s believed since he was a little boy, something that has followed him from university to graduate school to his first job to this very moment.
Destiny. Everything happens for a reason.