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Suffering Together

Summary:

What if, when Benrey went to play with Gordon when he was young, Black Mesa found them and took Gordon, raising him in the facility with Benrey.

Or

Six year old Gordon Freeman is kidnapped and used as a bargaining chip to make a super powerful being compliant.

Notes:

This is an AU of my other HLVRAI (frenrey) fan fic 'Postpoing Panic Attacks'

It diverges from that fic's history during the flashback scene in chapter 6, when Benrey goes to meet Gordon a second time to play together. It creates a completely different timeline, which might go anywhere.

I can only write sad, horrible things today it seems. This is just a whole lot of pain, turn back now.

Chapter 1: I want to go home

Chapter Text

Gordon led his strange friend Ben into the trees, showing him through a wonderland in the small woods. They found mushrooms and bugs and played in the mud next to a stream. Ben seemed so amazed by everything that was around him, as if he had never played in the woods before. Maybe there was no woods near where he lived.

Both the young boys heard the helicopter fly by close overhead, some of the down draft from it whipping through the trees and down to them. After looking at each other with surprise for a moment, they tried to go back to their exploration. But Ben suddenly stopped, as if he was listening to something, and frowned.

“gordon… you need to run back home,” Ben stated without emotion. Gordon looked at him quizzically. “please and thank you… you have to go now.” Ben rose to his feet and faced the direction he could hear something coming from.

Gordon reached out and grabbed hold on Ben’s wrist. “Why Ben, what’s going on?” he asked in a small, slightly frightened voice.

Suddenly a group of adult men burst into the clearing and surrounded Ben and Gordon on all sides. They were led by a man wearing a white coat and glasses, who looked at them sternly.

“That must be the kid, quick, grab him,” the man in the white coat ordered one of the other men. Gordon flinched back as the man quickly strode towards him, then he was being picked up, his hand wrenched out of Ben’s. The man held Gordon against his chest, moving off to the side as the man in the white coat turned his attention back to Ben, now alone in the middle of the clearing.

“Benrey, you had us all worried sick,” the white coat man shook his head, sounding upset. “It seems that your education has been ineffective in controlling you, and we may have to result to more… drastic measures.”

“’s ok, i’ll come back, just let my friend go,” Ben glanced sympathetically over at Gordon, who was looking between Ben and the white coat man with fear.

“Sorry Benrey, but that’s not going to happen. Can’t have you escaping again to go after him,” the man said plainly. “We’ll just have to take him with us. You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Your friend coming for a permanent sleepover? No reason to leave then, right?”

Fear gripped Gordon as he managed to grasp the gist of what the white coat man was saying. He started wiggling in the grip of the man who held him, but to no avail. Ben, or, Benrey as the man had called him, shrugged, and looked at the ground.

“It doesn’t matter, we’ll bring him with us anyway, leaving you no reason to stay here. So, will you be coming back without a fuss, Benrey?” the man asked smugly. Benrey hesitated, then nodded reluctantly and started walking towards the man. The man held out his hand and Benrey took it, and then man nodded to the rest of them and turned to walk back into the woods from the direction they came in. The man holding Gordon followed them.

“No, wait, let me go!” Gordon protested, but his plea fell on deaf ears. He slammed his little fists against the man’s firm vest, but the man didn’t even seem to notice, just kept a tight hold on Gordon.

The adults made their way through the woods and into a field where the helicopter was parked on the grass. All seven of them piled in with the two kids and they quickly took to the air.

Gordon felt unbelievably scared as the helicopter flew over the land. He was seated on one of the men’s lap’s in the middle seat on one side of the helicopter, the man holding onto him securely. Gordon kept trying to tell the man that they needed to take him back home to his parents, but he was constantly ignored.

Gordon felt frustrated, and tears began to creep into his eyes. He looked over at Benrey, who was seated between two men on the opposite side and was staring at the floor despondently. Gordon asked Benrey to ask the men to take him back, but Benrey just looked up at him and shrugged sadly.

It was a long ride through the sky, filled with a lot of Gordon crying about wanting to go home until he wore himself out and just sat sniffling. They finally touched down hours later, on top of a grey building in the middle of the desert. The sun was setting as the men led Benrey and carried Gordon inside.

Once inside they were separated, one group with the white coat man taking Benrey off in one direction, while the other took Gordon another way. Gordon’s fear was only building the further they went into the strange facility. They took Gordon to a room where they stripped off all his clothes and drenched him in water, scrubbing down his whole body as he blinked through the tears. They dressed him in plain loose cotton clothing like Benrey had been wearing, only letting him keep his glasses, before abandoning him in a room with not much more than a bed, toilet, and sink.

Gordon sat on the hard, cold floor and sobbed. He was alone and scared and missed his parents and wanted to go home. He didn’t even care if his mother and father were angry at him, as long as he could get out of this scary place and go back to them. But no one was listening to him, no one cared, not even Benrey it seemed.

After what seemed like quite a long while to Gordon, the door to the room opened again and Benrey stepped in, the door closing behind him. Benrey looked sheepishly down at Gordon, but then seeing his red, tear stained face, Benrey’s mouth dropped into a frown. He stepped towards Gordon and sat down in front of him, studying Gordon’s face.

“Ben… I want to go home. I have to go back to my mom and dad, or I’ll get into trouble,” Gordon pleaded plaintively.

“i… i’m sorry, i don’t think they are going to let you go home,” Benrey looked uncomfortable.

“But- but why?” Gordon asked with distress, trying to dry his eyes with his fists.

“because… i was bad, and escaped, and now they are going to keep you here to make sure i don’t be bad again,” Benrey explained, but Gordon didn’t really understand what he meant.

“Just say you won’t be bad then Ben,” Gordon suggested pleadingly, reaching out to grab Benrey’s hands in his own and looking into the other child eyes.

“i did, but they won’t believe me,” Benrey averted his gaze from Gordon’s stare.

Gordon chewed on his wobbling bottom lip, before looking down at the floor in defeat. He wanted to cry again but he felt all worn out from all the crying he had already done today.

“but… maybe i can get you out…” Benrey said cautiously. This caused Gordon to lift his head to look back up at the other again, hopeful.

“Please Ben, you have to help me get home,” Gordon begged, squeezing Benrey’s hands in his own.

Benrey gave a half smile, before letting go of Gordon’s hands and hopping to his feet. Then he walked over to the wall of the room, and after a moment of hesitation, stuck his hand into the solid wall. Gordon’s eyes went wide with amazement.

“Ben, you can do magic?” Gordon asked in wonder. This comment seemed to catch Benrey off guard for a moment, knitting his brow as he withdrew his hand from the wall.

“uh, yeah, sure can,” he triedto smile reassuringly at Gordon. “i uh, can’t take you through the wall with me, but i might be able to open the door from the other side.”

Gordon got to his feet, stretching out his legs as he looked hopefully at Benrey.

“but uh, we should wait until a little later, when there are less people around, so we’re less likely to get caught,” Benrey added, walking back over to Gordon. Gordon nodded, wiping the last of the dampness from his eyes.

Benrey led Gordon over to the bed and they sat down on it together to wait. Benrey started singing, bubbles of light spilling out of his mouth much to Gordon's amazement.

-

Gordon was starting to feel more and more anxious. Benrey had been disappeared through the wall for quite a while now, and the door hadn’t shown any signs of opening, and Gordon couldn’t hear anything happening outside. He was nervously bouncing up and down on his feet near the door when it finally swung open. Benrey gave Gordon a sheepish smile from where he stood in the hallway.

“What took you so lo-” Gordon began to ask as he stepped into the hallway but broke off when he saw the bodies of two guards lying on the floor on either side of the door.

“sorry, i was trying to not be noticed,” Benrey stepped forward and took Gordon’s hand. “come on, we’ll need to be quick.” With that Benrey started tugged Gordon down the corridor.

They carefully made their way through the maze of hallways, checking each corner and waiting until the coast was clear to move. Benrey didn’t exactly seem confident with where he was going, but they kept moving, nonetheless.

Gordon was watching Benrey try and get a door open when he was suddenly grabbed from behind and lifted into the air. Gordon let out a shocked squeak as he flailed his arms and legs around. Benrey had whipped his head around to look, only for a large hand to be placed on his shoulder.

“Where do you think you are taking your little friend Benrey?” the scientist asked threateningly, as the guard got Gordon’s thrashing limbs under control and held him tightly.

“he wants to go home,” Benrey said weakly, looking away.

“Now now Benrey, you know we can’t let that happen,” the scientist sounded bemused. He seemed to think for a moment, before speaking again. “Let’s go have a little sit down somewhere and talk about this, hrm?”

The scientist took Benrey’s hand and started leading him down the corridor, the guard carrying Gordon following behind.

They were led quite a long way and into a small room with a table and some chairs. The scientist sat Benrey down on one side of the table and then took a seat at the other. The guard held Gordon with one arm as he pulled a chair a short distance from the table and took a seat, sitting Gordon down on his lap and keeping his struggling under control.

“Now Benrey, I didn’t want to have to do this, but you leave me without much choice at the moment,” the scientist mused. Benrey just watched him warily. “I’m going to have to tell you something sad, and I don’t like upsetting you but…”

The scientist cleared his throat and adjusted his glasses on his nose. “You know how we told you when you are fighting the bad guys it’s okay to kill people, because they respawn?” Benrey nodded his head slightly. “Well, we didn’t tell you that… only works for fighting people, like the bad guys and the heroes. It doesn’t work for normal humans.”

Benrey looked at the scientist with confusion and glanced over at Gordon. “but then, if… ‘normal humans’ die, what happens to them?” he asked in a small voice.

“They are gone forever Benrey. They never come back,” Benrey’s eyes widened at this statement.

“You already know that you are special, that humans can’t do most of the things you can Benrey. We can’t go through walls, teleport, fly, change shape, or become invincible,” the scientist continued in a matter of fact manner. “But non-fighting humans also can’t respawn, or turn off pain, or heal injuries quickly.”

“they have to feel pain all the time?” Benrey seemed horrified.

The scientist shook his head and chuckled. “Only when they are hurt Benrey. Now, I don’t know if you have figured out why I am telling you this, so I guess I better spell it out. Your friend, young Mr Freeman here,” the scientist nodded towards Gordon, “is a normal human. He’s not a fighter. He feels pain and can’t respawn. Do you understand where I am going with this Benrey?”

Benrey blinked rapidly and shook his head with confusion.

The scientist sighed. “Benrey, if you won’t listen to us, if you won’t follow instructions and obey orders, then we will hurt Gordon. Do you understand that?”

Fear and alarm seemed to grip both Gordon and Benrey at the same time. Gordon felt his heart plummet into his stomach. They were going to hurt him? Waves of terror washed over him.

“no, no you can’t do that,” Benrey started stuttering out in disbelief, “that’s not fair.”

“It will be fine Benrey, as long as you do what we say, no harm will come to little Mr Freeman,” the scientist tried to pacify.

Benrey turned his head to look over at Gordon, probably taking in the other child’s wide-eyed look of fear. Then Benrey scrunched up his face for a moment before sighing.

“ok, i understand, i’ll do what you say,” Benrey relented, eyes dropping to look at the table.

“Very good Benrey, that will make this easier for all of us,” the scientist gave Benrey a malicious grin. “Come on, let’s take you two back to your room now, where you will be nice and safe. Remember to stay in there.”

-

Gordon sat on the bed while Benrey was pacing around the room, looking really worried. Gordon was now more scared than ever here, but there wasn’t anything he could do about the situation.

“i… i have an idea,” Benrey suddenly spun around to face Gordon. Gordon flinched, then looked at the other quizzically.

“one more plan to get you out,” Benrey mumbled, then looked thoughtfully at the ground.

“But Ben… if it doesn’t work… I’m scared,” Gordon tried to stop himself from shaking.

“i know i know, but it’s sure to work. i just have to…” Benrey broke off, then looked up at Gordon with a hint of sorrow. “i have to let you know to truth about me.”

Suddenly Benrey’s face was changing. His skin shifted tones from pale to ashen grey. His eyes filled with bright yellow and black slitted pupils.

Gordon leaned backwards on the bed slightly away from the sight, but his eyes were filled with wonder. “More magic?” he breathed in disbelief.

Benrey grimaced and shook his head. “it’s not really magic, this is like, my real form,” he explained hesitantly. Gordon noticed Benrey’s sharp dagger teeth as he spoke.

“So, you can change how you look?” Gordon asked with amazement, and Benrey nodded.

“i can use this power to get you out, if you can trust me,” Benrey approached Gordon, grabbing the other child’s hands in his clawed ones.

Gordon hesitated, stiffening up as the creature touched him, but then nodded. This might be his one last chance to get home, even if the risk was significant.

“cool… but we should wait a while, they are probably going to be very careful at the moment,” Benrey let go of Gordon’s hands.

-

Over the next few days Gordon got a taste of what Benrey’s daily routine was like. They were mostly left to take care of themselves, the adult scientists barely interacting with them outside of bringing them food, taking them to be washed, and taking Benrey for testing. Gordon didn’t get to see any of the testing, he was left in the room alone. Benrey would often come back looking very upset and would grab Gordon into a hug for comfort.

Gordon had asked Benrey more about his life here, and from what he gathered from the other it was a sad and lonely existence. Gordon felt so sorry for the other, even if he was some sort of experiment monster thing like out of a movie, he still seemed to have feelings just like Gordon did. For all his powers, he still seemed like a small, scared child.

One day they took Gordon away to another room and made him lie down on a table. They got him to breath in a mask, which made him feel sleepy. When he woke up, he felt a pain in a small area on the back of his neck. They didn’t tell him what they had done.

After a few days Benrey said they needed to undertake their plan, and he seemed to have a sudden sense of urgency. Gordon didn’t understand why, but all he could do at this point was trust Benrey knew what he was doing and hope for the best.

Benrey went out through the wall again and opened the door quicker this time. Again, guards lay on either side of the door in the hallway, but this time there was pools of red liquid under their bodies and red marks on their necks. Then Benrey started charging shape, and got much taller, and wider too. When he finished, he looked like a burley, well set guard.

Then his body started to cave inwards, until there was a large hole in his torso. He picked up a terrified Gordon and put him in the hole, which closed around him. Gordon was now seated inside Benrey’s body, much to his absolute horror. Benrey hadn’t exactly told Gordon about his plan or prepared him for this in anyway. Gordon started pushing against the flesh wall around him in worry.

“calm down little dude, it’s ok, you’re safe in there,” Benrey reassured in a muffled voice. “just stay calm and i will get you out of here.”

Gordon felt Benrey’s body begin to move. He waited in the complete darkness for a long time, trying to swallow his fear. He heard lots of muffled sounds coming from outside Benrey’s body but couldn’t tell what was going on.

Eventually Benrey opened his body, some light finally shining into the small space. The creature reached in and pulled Gordon out, setting him down on the dirt. Gordon blinked as he looked around himself, it was still dark because it was night-time. They were outside under the stars, with dirt hills rolling away in every direction around them.

Gordon turned back to Benrey, who had shifted back into his ‘true form’. Benrey smiled reassuringly at Gordon, as much as a smile can be reassuring with shark teeth, before stepping towards him. He grabbed Gordon into what seemed to be a hug, but then Gordon felt his feet suddenly leave the ground.

Gordon squeaked indignantly as the two of them rose into the air, Gordon could see the ground moving away from them over Benrey’s shoulder. He held on tightly to the other, afraid of falling.

“uh… i may have a little problem here,” Benrey said as they hung suspended in mid-air.

“What?” Gordon managed to choke out, still overcome with terror.

“i uh… don’t know where your house is,” Benrey admitted ruefully.

“huh? but you went there before?” Gordon asked in confusion, now squeezing his eyes closed so he couldn’t look down.

“yeah but you see,” suddenly Gordon felt himself being manhandled by more than two arms and yelped as he was twisted around and then held horizontally against Benrey’s chest by multiple limbs. “you have this uh… like this light here,” Benrey used yet another arm to point at Gordon’s chest. “i followed that to find you, but now you are here and not there and i… don’t remember which direction it was.”

Gordon tried to stop himself from shaking like a leaf in Benrey’s arms. At least he was being held now facing the sky so he couldn’t look down, and the additional limbs, while strange as hell, made him feel like he was being held more securely and would be less likely to be dropped

“Well… my mom always told me if I got lost somewhere, I should find a policeman,” Gordon suggested as he tried to calm himself.

“what’s that?” Benrey asked in confusion.

“Uh… they are like, supposed to help people, like lost kids,” Gordon struggled to explain.

“where would we find one?” Benrey prompted.

“Um, I guess in a place where there are other people,” Gordon suggested uncertainly. “We should maybe try and find a town,” he swallowed hard as he forced himself to peer down and around himself, and immediately wished he hadn’t. “Just find somewhere with lots of buildings,” he said, squeezing his eyes shut.

Benrey flew them through the air and over the desert, searching the earth below for any signs of civilization. He spotted a small cluster of buildings and headed towards it. Benrey landed on the ground outside of town, and when Gordon opened his eyes, he could see that Benrey had shapeshifted into his human form. Benrey set Gordon down on the ground gently, now having reverted back to having only two arms. The boys glanced at each other before they set off across the empty dirt towards the town.

As they walked down the street, they quickly realised that none of the houses had any lights in them, and they all looked dilapidated and run down. It quickly became apparent to them that the town was abandoned. Gordon sighed, and went to sit on a bench on the side of the road. Benrey joined him.

“Guess we will have to keep looking,” Gordon said dejectedly. He wasn’t looking forward to flying again, it made him feel ill.

Benrey was reaching out towards Gordon to comfort him when suddenly the rumble of vehicles driving through the dirt filled the air. Suddenly the street was illuminated by headlights, blinding the boys for a moment before they ducked their heads trying to shield their eyes. They jumped to their feet as the military vehicles screeched to a halt in front of them and soldiers jumped off the back and from the doors, pointing their weapons at the boys.

The boys stood still in terror as the soldiers surrounded them, and the man in the lab coat exited a vehicle and approached them.

“Don’t even think about grabbing him and running Benrey, these men will riddle you both full of bullets as soon as you make a move,” the man threatened. “You’ll respawn but he, well, wont.”

Gordon’s heart sank, and he could hear Benrey growling at the man.

“Do you not remember our understanding Benrey? You disobey, or try to escape, and we will hurt Gordon,” Gordon eye’s opened wide with terror, looking between the man’s face and Benrey’s.

“don’t touch him,” Benrey snarled, turning back to his true form, and baring his sharp teeth.

“I’ll make you an offer, Benrey,” the man said placidly, with a malicious smile. “If you both come back without a fuss, we won’t hurt Gordon. This time.”

Benrey scowled at the man but stopped growling. “fine,” his shoulders slumped. Benrey walked up to the man and held out his hand to be taken, looking down at the ground.

The man nodded at one of the soldiers, who stepped over and grabbed Gordon up. Gordon didn’t really struggle much this time. What was the point? It never achieved him anything, so he just sat sadly in the soldier’s arms and he was carried to a car.

-

Gordon was cleaned up on arrival back at the facility and put in a different room by himself for a while, and he had no idea what they were doing with Benrey. At least they weren’t going to hurt Gordon this time, but escape seemed more and more unlikely at this point.

When they took Gordon back to Benrey’s room, it looked different. There were weird wires lining the walls. Benrey was seated on the bed, a metal collar around his neck which was chained to the wall behind him. Gordon’s eyes went wide with despair as he took all this in.

Benrey turned to look at Gordon, his face lighting up as he saw him, but obviously not able to come over and greet him. Gordon moved towards Benrey instead, standing in front of where he was seated on the bed.

“did they hurt you?” Benrey asked with worry, looking Gordon over with his yellow eyes. Gordon shook his head, and Benrey looked relieved. “i’m so glad. when they took you away for so long i though they were going to, even though they said they wouldn’t.”

“Did they hurt you?” Gordon asked in return, placing a hand on Benrey’s shoulders, and looking sadly into his eyes.

Benrey glanced away. “nah, they just put this on me to stop me using my powers to try and escape again,” Benrey pointed at the collar. Gordon frowned. He guessed any hope of escape was truly gone now. He was stuck here with Benrey, and maybe he would never see his family again. He wanted to cry, but he already felt so drained emotionally.

Benrey’s body stiffen as Gordon wrapped his small arms around him in a hug, but Gordon felt him relax after a moment and put his arms around Gordon as well. Benrey started singing out low soft notes, dark coloured bubbles of light rising up towards the ceiling.