1

The winter sun was shining through the window, made the dust dance and glimmer and did not only warm the room on the 20 ^th floor but also the waiting man’s face. Sitting on the big black leather sofa that dominated the room, the guy held a mug of scalding hot coffee in his hands which he not only had taken to get rid of his tiredness but also to warm his freezing fingers and to override his nervousness.

Lost in thoughts, he was glancing at the black fluid and his eyes stared back at him, showing his excitement and friction. In a couple of minutes he would meet his new co-star. Please, let me like him, Jensen thought. Let him like me. When he’d found out that he was to star in this new TV show, playing the older of two brothers who were riding through the country, hunting ghosts and other supernatural creatures, it had been like winning the lottery. What a fantastic chance, what a step forward in his acting career! But as soon as his euphoria had ebbed away, worries had been growing in Jensen’s mind. Worries about what impression he would leave, worries whether he would get on with Jared or not, worries if he was good enough for the job.

It was so typical for him! Thoughtful, insecure and reserved all the time. At first sight, Jensen Ackles seemed self-confident and tough, possibly even arrogant, but that was just a facade he was holding up because it was expected of him and because he could do it, being an actor. After all it was what he did almost every day – act like someone he wasn’t. Nobody knew the young Texan’s true face, not even his family or his best friends because he didn’t let anybody close. But these people at least knew that he was actually introverted, feeling uncomfortable in big groups with many strangers and hated standing in the spotlight.

Maybe he had chosen the wrong career, but on the other hand, this job gave Jensen the opportunity to come out of his shell, to leave his true self behind and to become another person, if only for a few hours each day.

That was why Jensen was so keen on this new role, keen on becoming Dean Winchester, who was so different, actually the complete opposite of himself. And that was why Jensen was almost bursting with friction and nervousness. So much depended on the show’s success.

Yet Jensen didn’t know what to expect. His costar’s name, Jared Pada-something, hadn’t been familiar to him even though they were both working for the same network and should have run into each other at network events. But then again, Jensen avoided such events if he could help it, simply because all those people freaked him out. Jensen had done a bit of research online and IMDB had shown him the picture of a nondescript, tall and lanky guy in his early twenties with a lovely, dimpled smile and an unremarkable résumé. He’d been on Gilmore Girls in the past few years but apart from that there had only been minor appearances. He seemed likable and Jensen was sure the girls loved Jared, calling him cute. He’d also asked around and the few buddies who’d heard met Jared only told him good things.

Nevertheless, Jensen’s expectations were low. He knew what it was like in the business; real friendships were hard to find and he’d been lucky with Tom and Mike. Besides, they didn’t have to be friends to make the show successful. Yet at least Jensen hoped that they’d get along and be on good terms, without hassle and jealousy.

Deeply lost in thought, Jensen didn’t notice when the door was opened quietly and he startled slightly when Eric Kripke, the show’s creator, spoke to him, “Jensen, I’d like you to meet Jared." The bald man made a little pause, pregnant with expectation. "Jared, your on-screen brother, Jensen.”

Jensen blushed a little, embarrassed that he’d been caught while being so lost in thoughts. Then he looked up. Further. And a little further, until he finally stared at his new co-star’s face. At a mop of light brown hair that reminded him a little of the mane of a lion. At hazel eyes that looked at Jensen warm and friendly, maybe a bit curious, but luckily not eyeballing. And at a huge, dimpled smile, showing fine teeth.

Placing his full mug of coffee on the glass table to his left, Jensen got up and shook Jared’s hand. It was warm and huge, the handshake genuine and strong. “Hey Jensen, I’m Jared. It’s great to meet you, man. I can’t wait to work with you.” The younger man’s voice was warm, full of energy and excitement, and only when Jensen returned Jared’s smile, introducing himself with the usual pleasantries, did Jared let go of Jensen’s hand with a last squeeze.

Jensen sat down again and Jared slumped on the sofa as well, close to Jensen, much too close for his liking. As inconspicuously as possible Jensen slid away a little; he hated to be crowded. Sipping on his coffee, Jensen avoided to look at his new co-star or the creator for a moment, stripping off his true face and slipping into the role of Jensen, the cool, self-confident actor, instead.

Eric talked about the pilot, his plans for the show if it would get picked up for a first season and his ideas for their roles as Dean and Sam. He asked them about their opinions and slowly, Jensen relaxed a little.

An hour later, Eric left, giving both men the chance to get to know each other a little. Queasiness spread through Jensen’s stomach; now, they would probably leave business related topics, and talk about private things instead. That was something Jensen handled with care since it often lead to questions he wasn’t ready to answer.

Flashing a broad smile in Jensen’s direction, Jared got up and got himself a fresh mug of coffee. “Want another one, too?”

“Sure." Jensen nodded enthusiastically. Coffee was his favorite hot beverage on earth and besides, it would give his slightly shaking fingers something to do. He managed a self-confident smile when he accepted the mug with a murmured "thanks", the liquid inside so hot that it almost burned his skin through the ceramic.

This time Jared sat down on the armchair Eric had occupied earlier, cooling his own coffee with little blows before taking a small sip. “Well Jensen," Jared said eventually, looking at him curiously. "That’s an unusual name. Where’s it from?”

Arching his brow, Jensen looked at his new co-star with equal curiosity. That was an unusual question and he couldn’t remember ever having been asked it before. Although it was nothing special to ask about the origin of a name, the question had a personal touch, made Jensen feel that Jared really wanted to get to know him; and that was something he was both happy and worried about at the same time.

“Em, actually I don’t know." Jensen scratched the back of his neck, like he sometimes did when he felt awkward. "I think my mom chose it because it’s uncommon.”

“Do you like it?” Jared shot back, his curiosity obviously not yet satisfied.

“My name?" Jensen asked just to be sure, seeing a little nod in return and thinking about the question for some heartbeats. "Yeah, I think so. It sounds nice. Unusual, even sort of mysterious." He felt himself blush a little, so he thought about something funny to feel safer again. "I was the only one with this name far and wide, at school, at church, everywhere. Which had pros and cons.” Jensen smirked, remembering that he’d never had the possibility to hide behind all those Jacks, Toms and Bens to deny his pranks. He felt a little of his aloofness melt away, despite the fact that he barely knew Jared and that he was far away from safe territory. But he didn’t have the feeling that Jared wished him ill, quite the contrary, and that helped Jensen to relax a little.

Jared grinned, like he knew exactly what Jensen was talking about. “Tell me about your family," he prompted then, making it quite clear that he was both interested and curious about his new co-star.

Moistening his lips, Jensen quickly thought about what he could tell Jared. Not too much. “There isn’t much to tell," he claimed, though there was a lot to tell actually, all the things he had never told anyone before and that he never intended to tell. "Mom, Dad, my older brother Josh and Mac, my baby sister. Born and raised in Texas in pretty normal circumstances.” He didn’t dare to look at Jared as he said the last few words, because normal... no, his growing up had been quite the opposite of normal.

“Wow," Jared called in surprise. "Exactly like me.”

Based on his research, Jensen knew that Jared was from Texas, too, whereas everything else was new to him. What a funny coincidence! Having found something to share, Jensen calmed down a little more and soon, they were chatting about how they had been growing up, though Jared quickly dominated the conversation. Fifteen minutes later, Jensen had the impression that he knew the whole Padalecki clan without ever having met them.

Jared was so different compared to him! Frank and talkative, bouncy and enthusiastic. With hands flying through the air, all smiles and dimples, loud and funny. Although Jared was everything that Jensen wasn’t, the older man felt strangely comfortable in the younger man’s company and a huge burden was taken off his shoulders when he realized it.

Eventually, they changed the subject, talking about their job. Jared asked Jensen to tell him about his experiences; compared to him, Jensen had been in the business longer and done much more.

“I look forward to Supernatural so much,” Jared said enthusiastically after he had devotedly listened to Jensen’s stories. “Doing Gilmore Girls was nice but Dean, he wasn’t a challenge. But Supernatural, it has so much potential and it’s going to be cool. I just know it.” With glowing eyes and a wide grin, Jared reminded Jensen of a little kid, unwrapping a toy on Christmas Day. It was sweet and likable and, Jensen had to admit, really contagious.

Now feeling the excitement and challenge himself, he agreed, “You’re right, dude. It’ll be cool.”

They kept on chatting about this and that and didn’t even notice the time flying by until they were startled when the door was opened and Kripke popped in. “Still here guys?” the man asked, sounding surprised, though his face showed the hint of a smile.

Furrowing his brow, Jared checked his watch. “Wow, it’s 5 pm already," he exclaimed, sounding almost as disbelieving as Eric. "Need to go now. Otherwise Sandy, my girlfriend, will kill me." He chuckled and his eyes sparkled a little.

“That would be horrible indeed," Eric shot back with a hint of sarcasm. "Especially for me ’cos I’d have to go and look for a new Sam."

The comment made Jared laugh out loud and it was contagious, and soon, Jensen joined in, feeling free and relieved and much better than earlier.

Jared was halfway out of the room, storming off to his girlfriend, when he stopped abruptly, facing Jensen again. “We should go out together," Jared suggested, his eyes growing bigger, like that look alone might convince Jensen that it was the best idea ever. "And run our lines once we’ve got the script. Give me your number?”

“Going out?" Jensen felt his heart skip a beat and his good mood diminish a little. Could he really do this? Should he do this, bond with his new co-star even though he barely knew him? Sure, Jared seemed to be one of the nicest people on earth, cool and funny and friendly, but was it a good idea to spend private time together? He hesitated for a moment and it was enough to see Jared’s face fall, and the expectant smile vanish. It was a sad look, a look Jensen didn’t like and even less so because it had been him that made Jared look like that. "That’d be awesome," Jensen agreed quickly, hoping that he sounded more convinced than he felt.

He gave Jared his number and while he was punching Jared’s into his phone, he felt one of the other man’s huge paws smack onto his shoulder. The touch came as such a surprise that Jensen winced and screwed his face up, a shiver running down his spine. Thankfully, Jared didn’t notice. Jensen just didn’t like to be touched like this or, actually, to be touched at all. His friends knew and respected it, but Jared - he couldn’t even guess what a weirdo he was, with the way Jensen mostly managed to pretend.

“Take care, Jensen." Jared threw a last, broad grin at him. "See you soon"

Jared was already out of the room when Jensen’s “Bye” finally left his lips.

2

It was Saturday evening, about one week after Jensen and Jared had met for the first time. Jensen was sitting on the sofa in his small apartment’s living room and zapping through the channels unenthusiastically, the leftovers of the delivered pizza in its box on his knees.

He didn’t mind spending the evenings on his own. He was used to it and he actually even liked it, this quietness and loneliness. When Jensen was alone, he could be himself, didn’t need to fool anyone, which happened often enough when he went out with friends, meeting guys there he barely knew.

He just wanted to get up to clear the box away and put some random movie in the DVD player when his cell rang. Grabbing the phone, he threw a look at the caller ID before he answered it, arching his brow in surprise when he saw Jared’s name.

“Hello?” he answered questioningly, just to be sure because he didn’t want to make himself look like an idiot in case it was someone else calling, not Jared.

“Hey Jensen, it’s Jared." The man sounded bouncy, his voice vibrating with excitement, like calling his new co-star was the best thing ever. "How’re you, man?”

“Great," Jensen answered and it wasn’t even a lie. It had been a good week, with no nightmares, the prospect of a job that might take longer than a handful of episodes calming him down. "And you?"

“Awesome." Jared laughed. "Any plans for tonight?”

Jensen hesitated. What did Jared expect him to say? What could the question lead to? But lying because of something so mundane? Jensen was sure he would have to lie to Jared soon enough because of more important things. He didn’t want to start now. “No, not really," he admitted. "Just wanted to watch some movie.”

“Sounds terrific.” Jared’s voice was oozing with irony but before Jensen could shoot anything back, Jared babbled on. “I’m going out with some buddies, to a cool bar. Want to join us?"

Jensen hesitated again. He liked Jared but it was a little inappropriate to judge him, making fun of his lifestyle. On the other hand, Jensen had to admit that Jared was of course right. A terrific Saturday night was something other than watching a DVD alone at home. He really was too sensitive when it came to these kind of things and Jared had probably just wanted to make a little fun of him. He should pull himself together! Besides, joining Jared would d be a good chance to get to know him a little better, although Jensen was everything but keen on intruding on an established clique, always feeling like the odd man out in these circumstances. Furthermore, refusing this invitation would be utterly rude, especially now that Jared knew about Jensen’s original plans for the night. And last but not least, Jensen really wanted to start off on the right foot with Jared. It’d be hard enough for him as soon as Jared found out about him being socially awkward and a lone wolf. Having made his decision and sighing inwardly, Jensen switched on his most convincing tone and agreed, “Sure, dude. Sounds good. When?”

Jared told him the details, saying goodbye with a cheery “See you”, sounding as if he really couldn’t wait to see the older man again.

**

An hour later, Jensen entered the bar. It looked like a cozy place, with dimmed lights, thick candles on old, scratched tables and brewery insignias from all over the world adorning the wooden walls. In the background rock music was playing softly and the air was filled with smoke, the smell of burgers, steaks and fries. He let his eyes sweep over the crowd, finally spotting Jared who was sitting at a relatively remote table in a dimly-lit, almost hidden corner.

Jensen felt himself smile, especially as he noticed that the hoard of buddies he had expected and that had made him a little uneasy turned out to be only two more persons, a girl and a guy around their own age who looked slightly familiar to Jensen.

Carefully, Jensen weaved his way through the crowded bar. “Hey,” he called when he finally reached his destination, grinning a bit stupidly.

Jared looked up to him, his smile broader and his dimples deeper than Jensen had seen them before. “Hey, Jensen! It’s great that you made it," he exclaimed, sliding over on the wooden bench, offering his place to Jensen. "Come on, sit down."

Even before Jensen had taken off his jacket and could make himself comfortable, Jared pointed at the two other persons sitting opposite them. “Sandy, Chad, this is Jensen, my new co-star." He sounded strangely triumphant, like Jared couldn’t wait for his friends to finally meet Jensen. "Jensen, that’s my girlfriend Sandy and my best friend, Chad.”

Suddenly, it fell like scales from his eyes. This guy was Chad Michael Murray! Of him, Jensen had heard, and not only good things. He couldn’t help but wonder how Murray and Jared had become such close friends but of course, he couldn’t ask right now and he could let his surprise show on his face even less. Slipping into "actor mode" with a friendly smile on his lips, Jensen shook hands, first with the lady, then with Chad. "Hey, nice to meet you." The lie came easily from his lips, because if not him, who else was a born liar? He didn’t mind meeting Sandy, she seemed to be a sweet girl, but Murray... Well, maybe he wasn’t such a horrible guy when Jared liked him so much; he at least he deserved a chance.

Finally, Jensen sat down, staring at the table. The silence quickly shifted into awkwardness, with Jensen being unsure what was expected of him. God, he was crap when it came to things like this, making easy conversation and getting to know strangers.

Luckily, Jared saved him pretty soon, bumping Jensen’s shoulder slightly. For once, Jensen didn’t even mind the touch. "It’s so good to see you again. So great you could make it," Jared rambled. “If you’d like to have something to eat, I can recommend the burgers. There are more than fifty different ones on the menu, one for each state. I tried them all." He grinned broadly. "Keep your hands off Virginia, that’s really disgusting, but Texas is delicious. Loads of meat. And I’m not saying it because that’s where we’re from, man."

Jensen couldn’t hide his smile. Here, Jared was as bouncy and talkative as when they first had met. “Sounds great. But I had a pizza earlier and I’m stuffed. Maybe later," he added quickly when he saw Jared’s face fall again.

"You totally should try it, dude," Jared tried to convince him. "It’s awesome. Really."

"Okay, okay," Jensen gave in, chuckling. "I’ll order one in a few minutes."

"I can do that while I fetch some fresh beers," Chad offered and even before Jensen could object, he was gone.

Sandy used the moment of silence to finally say something as well. “Jensen, I can’t say how good it is to finally meet you." She smiled fondly. "Jared’s been talking about you all the time. It was Jensen this and Jensen that, he almost made me jealous." She laughed and Jensen felt heat creeping into his cheeks, suddenly being very grateful for the dimmed light.

What could Jared possibly have told his girlfriend? “Did he?” Jensen asked with a skeptical tone, furrowing his brow.

“Yeah." Sandy nodded enthusiastically. "But don’t worry, only the best. He was thrilled after your first meeting. That’s why I made Jay to call you, I just couldn’t wait to finally meet you. And it’s great that you’re here, because Chad," she scrunched up her pretty face, looking a little disgusted, "is... Chad.” She laughed, winking at Jensen and taking a sip of her almost empty coke.

Jared joined, guffawing deeply. "She’s right," Jared admitted, and if Jensen wasn’t mistaken, Jared blushed a little, too. "But please don’t think that it was purely her idea. Quite the contrary. A couple of days ago I suggested to bring you here and when Chad called this afternoon, it was Sandy who demanded that I called you. I just, um," Jared moistened his lips, "wasn’t sure if you’d want to come, Jensen."

Jensen felt his cheeks turning a darker shade of red and, not sure what to say, he changed the subject, chatting about the first thing that came to his mind. “Jay… " He let the nickname roll from his lips thoughtfully. Jensen liked it and he thought it fitted Jared, it was short and sort of active, like the whole man. "Would you be rather called Jay than Jared?”

Jared flashed him another broad smile. “Jay. JT. Jare. Dude. Man. Hey, even "hey, you". I answer to almost every name." He laughed, looking at the older actor frankly. "And you? Any nickname for a guy with such an unusual name?"

“As long as you don’t call me Jenny, everything’s fine," Jensen said, shuddering visibly. He really hated that girly nickname Mike had given him once and that he wasn’t able to get rid of anymore.

“Right…Jenny." Jared emphasized every letter of the name, grinning from ear to ear. If looks could kill, Jared would have dropped dead that second, but after the puppy eyes Jensen received in return, even he joined the laughter, slowly feeling the anxiousness melt away.

Shortly afterwards, Chad returned, handing Jensen and Jared a cool beer and the lady a coke. “She’s driving tonight," Chad explained with a grateful look at the young woman.

“Yeah, my girl’s great," Jared said proudly, bending over the table to kiss her gently.

Not knowing where to look, Jensen busied himself with his beer, half closing his eyes while taking a much deeper gulp than usual. Somehow, watching gestures like these really embarrassed Jensen and made him feel uncomfortable. Jensen knew it was strange, maybe even wrong, but he couldn’t help it. It just reminded him of things he wanted to forget forever, of things that had been his most cruel nightmare.

“What about you, Jensen?" Chad asked, looking at him with curiosity. "Where’s your girl?”

Perplexed, Jensen stared at the other man. If Jared would have asked this question, fine. Not that he would have felt any more comfortable with the question itself, but at least they were acquaintances, maybe even friends. But Chad? It really wasn’t any of his business. Feverishly, Jensen was thinking about a way out of this trap. Should he really admit being single? He didn’t want to, didn’t want to see the pity in the other men’s faces, didn’t want them to question why a handsome man like him was on his own. But making up a girlfriend and lying to his new co-star wasn’t an alternative either. Sooner or later, Jared would find out the truth and that would lead to a much more awkward scenario and to questions Jensen definitely couldn’t answer. But maybe, Jensen thought, he had a chance to avoid answering the question altogether. “Where’s yours?” Jensen asked back perkily.

“My fiancee," Chad emphasized the last word, “is with her parents and best friends, busy with wedding preparations.” He smiled smugly, obviously very satisfied with himself and the fact that he had found a girl who was dumb enough to marry him.

“Well, congratulations," Jensen replied overly-friendly and enthusiastic, flashing a fake grin at the man, and wondering once more how Jared could be friends with a guy like that.

“Thanks." He smiled coolly, taking a sip of his beer, burping deeply. "And now, it’s your turn. Ackles. Fire away. Where’s your girl? Or," he checked Jensen, looking at him thoroughly and furrowing his brow, like he was making up his mind about something, "are you maybe into guys?”

Jensen froze, his face turning white as a sheet and a feeling of panic spread through his body. He wanted nothing more than to shout at Chad or to punch him in his grinning face but instead, Jensen forced himself to stay calm, taking a mouthful of his beer, and piercing the man with cold eyes.

From the corner of his eyes, Jensen saw Jared’s eyes flitting from him to Chad and back, his smile frozen on his lips. It was clear that Jared noticed the almost palpable tension radiating off Jensen, and was as feverishly looking for a way out of the situation as Jensen himself was.

“Hey Chad, leave him alone," Jared intervened quietly. “Jensen’s love life and sexual preferences are really none of our business.” Slightly shaking his head, Jared pierced Chad with a scolding look, obviously being ashamed of his buddy’s behavior.

Growling something incomprehensible, Chad shrugged. "Whatever," he then murmured, emptying his beer in a deep, long gulp. “Sorry," he said to Jensen, but his pout betrayed his words. "I think I should go.” It was clear that Chad was offended that Jared had taken Jensen’s side instead of backing him up and making fun of Jensen with him.

Jensen’s heart was still beating like a blacksmith’s hammer against his chest as he brushed the offer off, not wanting to be the reason for a brawl between the buddies, even though he would rather see Chad go than stay. “It’s okay. You don’t need to go."

Ignoring Jensen, Chad turned around, waving his hand in a dismissive gesture and stomping away.

Sandy sighed. "Sorry about that," she said, smiling at Jensen kindly. "That’s exactly what I meant when I said that Chad, well, is Chad. But I should give him a lift. He had a couple of beers too many and I think you guys rather want to be on your own anyways."

She got up, slipping on her coat. “JT, call me if you want me to pick you up later, okay?”

“Sure." Jared got up, leaning over to his girlfriend to give her a hug and a quick peck on her cheek. "Thanks honey. Drive carefully."

A last wave, and Sandy was gone, much faster than Jensen could say "bye".

“Jen, I’m sorry about this." Jared sighed deeply, slumping down onto the bench again. "Really. Chad can be such an ass when he’s drunk. He often oversteps his boundaries.”

Jensen forced himself to smile, shaking off the uncomfortable feeling that had taken a hold of him. “You don’t need to make apologies for him, Jay. You’re not responsible for his actions. It’s okay.” He brushed it off. It had been damn uncomfortable, coming far too close to a truth no one knew about, but it really hadn’t been Jared’s fault.

“No, it isn’t," Jared objected softly, looking really sad. "It’s none of his business. Mine neither. Just yours. It was out of line and very indiscreet.” He sighed, shaking his head in a mixture of disbelief and annoyance. "Really, sometimes I don’t know why I’m friends with the guy." Jared grimaced. “I just wanted to spend a great evening with my girl and my buddies and now... Damn it!"

Jared’s face was a mask of misery and even though Jensen felt sorry for him and really guilty for what had happened, he couldn’t help that warmth spread through his belly as Jared’s words sunk in; he’d called him buddy. After having just met a few days ago, and spending only some hours chatting, after chasing Chad away with his exaggerated reaction, Jared had called him buddy. He should have reacted differently, Jensen knew it, but he was a very private person and love and sex; it was something he never talked about, to anyone, simply because... well, there wasn’t anything to talk about.

Feverishly, Jensen thought what he could tell Jared. After everything the younger man had just done for him and with that sad look on his face, Jensen owed Jared some explanation. By no means he could tell him everything; nobody knew everything, nobody would ever find out everything. Yet, some minor things, Jensen could probably confide in Jared. Sooner or later, his co-star would find out. He could tell him that he didn’t date anyone, couldn’t he? It wasn’t a crime to be single.

Having made up his mind, Jensen sighed, playing with the moist label on his beer bottle, and watching from the corner of his eye how Jared looked at him expectantly, playing with his own bottle, moving it from his left to right hand and back again. "I’m straight," Jensen said quietly, feeling really uncomfortable in his skin. "So please don’t think… not at all. But I’m not seeing anyone at the moment and I don’t like to talk about it. Not with guys I don’t know." He took a deep breath, scratching his neck again. "To be honest, I’m a little ashamed," Jensen admitted, looking at the dirty floor instead of Jared’s face, not ready to see the surprise or whatever else in his face.

“Sure man," Jared answered calmly. "I understand, really." There was not a hint of teasing in Jared’s voice and slowly, Jensen dared to look up, seeing nothing else but warmth and honesty in the younger man’s features. "No need to be embarrassed, Jensen. There’s nothing wrong with being single. You aren’t the only one. Look at my baby sister. She’s beautiful and is not dating anyone at the moment. Besides, finding the right one is anything but easy. I can tell you, before I met Sandy -" Jared shook his head, as if he wanted to shake all those memories off. "So em, are we good?" Hope gleaming in his eyes, Jared looked at Jensen.

That look and the sincerity of Jared’s words made Jensen feel better at once. “Of course we are, Jay." He smiled and this time, it wasn’t faked, but honest and warm. "Everything’s okay. And I know, I’m weird when it comes to stuff like this." Jensen scrunched up his face, still feeling a little embarrassed. "So em please, don’t gossip it around. I’d like to keep my privacy private.”

Jared nodded. "If you knew me better, man, I’d be offended now because, I’m everything but a tattletale. But since we just met, I can promise you here and now that I keep my friend’s secrets and never gossip around. You can trust me, Jensen," he promised.

"Thanks Jay." Jensen smiled, feeling strangely touched. He didn’t have a problem to believe Jared. It was clear that he was a good, trustworthy guy. "And em, thanks for helping me out, earlier. You saved my ass."

Jared laughed, taking his beer and clinking it with Jensen’s. "You’re welcome, dude. From time to time, Chad really has to learn where his place is." He chuckled and it almost sounded a little evil. "And look, here comes your burger," he announced when he saw a young, pretty waitress approaching their table. "Doesn’t it look delicious?"

**

Four hours later they left the bar together. Jensen had only had three beers but Jared was really smashed. Other than Chad though, Jared was a funny drunk, revealing all kinds of funny or embarrassing stories, being even louder than usual, and laughing about the most stupid things. Giggling, he now stumbled into the starlit, chilly night and if it hadn’t been for Jensen’s good reaction who steadied him, Jared would nearly have tripped over his own feet. “Hey Jay. Steady," Jensen admonished the younger man, sounding a little concerned.

“Thanksss Jensen." Jared hiccuped, putting his arms around the smaller man and grinning at Jensen lopsidedly.

A shudder flashed through Jensen’s body at the unwelcome touch, but he trusted on Jared to be too drunk to notice. Suppressing the need to shrug off the arm, he carefully guided Jared to his own car while taking deep breaths to stay calm. “In with you." Jensen let go of Jared as soon as he could, yet carefully shoving him into the passenger seat. "I’ll take you home if you still remember where you live.”

“Courssse I do," Jared claimed proudly while Jensen buckled the younger man’s seat belt.

The actual task though seemed much harder, with Jared stammering and dictating his address very slowly, his brow furrowed thoughtfully. It made Jensen smile as he finally punched the address into his GPS, Jared’s behavior reminding him of a little kid.

The streets of LA were relatively empty at this time of the night and so it just took him about fifteen minutes to get to Jared’s place. A comfortable silence stretched between them, only being disturbed by the instructions of the female voice from the GPS once in a while.

“Here we are, Jay," Jensen announced when his car finally came to a halt in front of a small house. He chanced a quick look at Jared who now seemed tired and a little pale around his big nose. "Want me to help you inside?" Jensen asked while he got out of the car, hurrying over to the passenger seat door.

“Hey man, I’m wasted, not stupid," Jared called as he opened the door, sounding offended though his smile betrayed his words. “I’ll find my way.”

“Course you will." Jensen couldn’t repress a chuckle. "Good night man. And thanks for asking me out. It’s been great." Jensen meant it; apart from the stupid incident with Chad, he had really enjoyed himself; actually he had not had so much fun for a long time.

Jared smiled broadly and before Jensen even knew what was happening, Jared pulled him into a strong, tight hug. Jensen’s heart skipped a beat and he stiffened at once, with panic slowly rising from the depth of his body. All he wanted to do was to flee, but there was no way out, with Jared being all around him, long, strong arms surrounding him like a python its prey.

“Thanks Jen," Jared murmured softly, his warm breath, smelling of beer, tickling Jensen’s skin. But Jensen barely noticed it nor the fond nickname, the panic now bubbling heavily inside him. And Jared didn’t know Jensen well enough to realize that the man was screaming inside and was too drunk to feel that he was holding a board instead of a man and that the tight hug wasn’t returned. “I hope we’ll see each other soon.” Finally, Jared let go, flashing another smile at Jensen, slowly staggering towards his front door.

Glancing after his new co-star, Jensen released a long, shaky breath, but even then, his heart was still beating heavily against his chest and it took a few moments until Jensen was well enough to get back into the car.

While he was driving home, Jensen couldn’t help but wonder how he would manage to work with a man who seemed to be a touchy-feely hug monster knowing no boundaries. It might seem ridiculous to most people, but for Jensen, it really was an issue.

3

While shooting the pilot, Jensen noticed soon that he’d been right. His new co-star indeed was a hug monster, never having heard of the personal space every normal person needed and wanted. Crowding Jensen whenever he got an opportunity, Jared preferably showed his affection with touches. Feeling one of Jared’s gigantic hands on his shoulder or back happened daily, and while at first, it brought Jensen close to a heart attack, the older actor got used to it after a couple of days, simply because there wasn’t much choice.

Every now and then though, a hand became an arm or a sincere hug that gave Jensen the creeps, taking him down memory lane to that place from a long time ago he just couldn’t forget. Jensen was sure, Jared didn’t mean any harm and a part of Jensen felt bad and dirty for seeing those innocent gestures like this. This was Jared as he lived and breathed, a part of him, just like it was a part of Jensen that he needed space, that he couldn’t stand being touched.

Nevertheless, Jensen was sure, if the show would continue, if he and Jared kept on working together the following year, maybe even longer, sooner or later this trifle would cause problems. When it came to being affectionate, Jared and Jensen were like sun and moon, or fire and water, and Jensen couldn’t think of a way to cross that huge abyss of difference.

Sure, he liked Jared, but to let him that close? Since that day that had changed Jensen’s life forever, that had made him the person he was nowadays, that day he unsuccessfully tried to shove into the furthest corner of his mind, Jensen had built a huge wall around himself and he wasn’t sure if he’d ever be ready to break it down for someone.

*****

Spring turned into summer and finally, Supernatural got the thumbs up everyone had been waiting for and they were heading to Vancouver. Jensen knew the city and wasn’t too fond of it. There was nothing wrong with it, but compared to LA, it was rainy and freezing, and being a Texas boy through and through, the weather weighed heavily on his mind. Not even the beautiful scenery could change that. But at least Tom and Mike were there and with them, life was never boring.

It was a warm Friday evening in early August and Jensen was shoving some things into his duffel bag, getting ready for his flight home in a couple of hours.

The atmosphere on set had been a little uncomfortable during the whole week. Towards cast and crew, Jared had been acting as usual, making jokes and giving out hugs, but towards Jensen, the younger actor had been strangely reserved, not only avoiding to touch Jensen, but also avoiding eye contact whenever they weren’t in character, not even smiling much any longer. Not that Jensen missed being touched. But mixed with the fact that Jared had given him the cold shoulder, avoiding to join him at lunch, it worried Jensen a little. The so familiar self-consciousness was back and he couldn’t help but wonder if he had said or done anything to upset his new co-star.

After having watched Jared’s unusual behavior for three long, painful days, Jensen had gathered all his courage and asked Jared if they were good. He had only gotten an unusual brusque, “Sure, why shouldn’t we be?” as an answer and Jared’s cold stare had been enough for Jensen to drop the subject. Maybe the younger actor was under the weather or something, missing home and his girlfriend and just having a few bad days.

With his jeans jacket over his shoulder and his bag in his hand, Jensen was finally ready to go. As he let his eyes glide over the spotlessly tidy interior of his trailer, there was a knock on the door. He furrowed his brow in surprise. Who could possibly want to see him on a Friday evening? "Come in," he called out, watching curiously how the door was slowly opened, showing Jared’s uncommonly stern face.

“Hey Jensen," Jared said, hesitating a moment when he noticed the duffel bag in Jensen’s hand. "Oh sorry, man. Looks like you’re flying home. I really don’t want to hold you up, I better go." Jared was halfway out of the door when Jensen called him back, somehow having the feeling that it was important, that Jared wouldn’t have come over if he didn’t have something to say.

"Nah, that’s fine, Jared. My plane’s only leaving in a couple of hours, I have a little time."

Turning around again, Jared looked both relieved and anxious. "Good. Great," he stammered. "Emm, I think we need to talk, Jensen."

Jensen nodded, not showing his surprise. Obviously, it had not only been him who had noticed that something was off between the two stars of the show. "Okay. Then come on in, Jared and don’t linger on my threshold."

Even managing a little smile in return, Jared closed the door and walked over to the small sofa that dominated the living space of Jensen’s trailer. Jensen watched Jared sit down while he tucked away his jacket and bag. Sitting down on one of the not too comfortable kitchen chairs, he watched his co-star, feeling the air between them sparkle with suspense; Jensen had a very good idea what this was about.

“Em," Jared stammered, combing his long fingers through his hair once and biting his lips. He seemed more nervous and uncomfortable than Jensen had seen him yet and he couldn’t help feeling sorry and responsible for Jared’s misery. “Yesterday you asked if everything’s okay and um, I know what I said, but fact is, Jensen," he swallowed once, not daring to look at Jensen, "nothing is okay." He took a deep breath, as if he was about to face something really bad. “I know you don’t like me, Jensen," he pressed out, sounding really heartbroken. "I don’t know why, what I’ve done wrong, but that’s the way it is."

Jensen stared, feeling like Jared sounded, simply miserable, cold and empty. He had never wanted to give Jared that impression.

"But Jensen, I’d like to change this. I like you fine. I think you’re a good guy. Besides, we are in the same boat; the only leads t in a show that has so much potential. A lot of people depend on us doing a good job, like Kevin, who just had his baby girl and was unemployed for such a long time," Jared started to ramble. "And um, we play brothers, man. I think we should at least try to get along and be a bit like Sam and Dean."

The feeling of cold and emptiness wasn’t gone, spreading through Jensen like fire, accompanied by panic that grew with every shaking breath he took. Shit. Shit. Shit, Jensen screamed inside. He never wanted this to happen, never wanted to give Jared that impression. Unsure what to say, Jensen shook his head. "Jared," he sounded pleading. "That’s not true. I like -"

“Come on, Jensen, don’t deny it!” Jared cut him off, his voice sharp as a knife. ”You wince whenever I touch you, no, whenever I get close to you! The upfronts a few days ago were pure torture for you, posing arm in arm and acting as if we were best buddies. Maybe you can fool the media, Jensen, or the bosses from the network, even cast and crew, but I’m not blind!" Jared spat out, his face a grimace. "Just admit it," he pleaded, "and maybe we can give it another try."

Jensen’s heart was in his mouth and the hole inside him grew, cold, emptiness and panic now being accompanied by shame and sadness. "Oh," Jensen breathed out, both surprised and shocked that Jared had even noticed. Because, everything he had said about the upfronts was true, apart from the tiny fact that Jensen had not felt so awkward because of Jared, but because of things Jared didn’t know about. “Jared… that had nothing to do with you," Jensen tried to explain, kneading his fingers nervously.

“Not with me??” Jared yelled in disbelief, his voice sounding much harsher than before. "Don’t fucking lie to me, man!"

Jensen winced, the accuse hurting him as if Jared had slapped him.

"Of course it had something to do with me! You wince whenever I come close to you! With whom could it possibly have to do if not with me? Can you tell me that, Jensen?" Hands on his hips, Jared had jumped up from the couch, coming closer, almost towering over Jensen now.

It was a scaring sight, all 6.4" Padalecki and a part of Jensen was scared, for whatever was to come, for what he had to say now, but if he wanted to save them and the show, he had to face a part of the truth now and had to confide in Jared. “With me, Jay. Just with me.” Jensen’s calm, sad voice was a stark contrast to Jared’s heated one and maybe it was exactly this, and the use of Jared’s familiar nickname, that cooled down the younger man’s anger a little, changing his furious expression into an inquiring, even slightly worried one.

"This isn’t easy for me," Jensen admitted, nervously biting his lower lip. Everything inside him screamed not to say a word because he knew exactly where his revelation would lead, but on the other hand, the show, Jared, they were worth it. It really was time to pull himself together and put a little faith in the younger man, who had so far proved to be a good companion, even a friend, although showing faith seemed so unbelievably hard. “I really can understand that you think what you think," Jensen acknowledged. "But please believe me, Jay, it’s not like it seems." He finally dared to look at Jared’s face again, seeing countless emotions written in the boyish features. "I like you. You are a great guy. I enjoy your company. You make me laugh and smile and working with you, Jared, it’s so easy. Above all, man, you give me the feeling to be," he swallowed, "liked. And that means so much to me because Jared, I never made friends easily. But," Jensen took a deep breath, "I just don’t like being touched. It has nothing to do with you, it’s just me. It makes me feel crowded and awkward and damn uncomfortable."

It was out, the world was still turning and even though it had been difficult to admit something that personal, Jensen now felt a little lighter, as if one of his many burdens was gone. For a while, Jared just looked at him and the silence between them was deep enough that Jensen could hear the steady tick-tock of the clock on the chest of drawers and some bird twittering its evening song.

“Oh,” Jared breathed out, sounding surprised, shocked and still a little hurt. “But why not, Jen?” the younger man asked, shaking his head, unable to believe that someone could not liked being touched or hugged.

Jensen sighed. He had expected the question and he had braced himself for it, nevertheless, it wasn’t something he wanted to answer, simply because it was something he couldn’t tell Jared, and he just hoped his co-star would understand. “Sorry man," Jensen said and for once, he really meant it. "I can’t tell you so please, don’t push me any further. I just can tell you that I don’t like it. Not even my siblings or parents hug me that often and friends, they know it and don’t touch me at all. I know, it’s probably hard but - " Jensen lifted his hands helplessly, unsure what else he could say to make Jared believe and understand.

“But it’s something so…nice," Jared stammered helplessly. "It feels so good." Jared really looked sad, like a puppy, with his big eyes looking at Jensen, not really understanding it. And how could he? How could Jared, or anyone else for that matter, understand when they hadn’t been through what Jensen had been through?

“Jay, I know you give hugs freely." Jensen even managed a little smile. “I know it’s your way of showing affection and it’s great, so much like you. I’m sure most people love you so much for it and that you’re such an outgoing, open, friendly, likable guy. And I’m so sorry that I don’t feel comfortable with it and that I can’t return, not even really accept them, Jay. I really am." Jensen bit his lips, feeling his eyes tear up, but he really didn’t want to cry now, didn’t want to be a bigger wuss than he already was with all his issues and problems and fears. "It made you believe that I don’t like you and that’s the worst thing imaginable between you and me, Jay. I never wanted this to happen, never wanted to give you the feeling to be disliked. But man, if we want to do our job, and want to do it good and if you don’t want me to freak out, then please, Jay, I need you to brace yourself and just hold back." Jensen released a shaky breath. He had said everything he could, and even though he had not been able to explain much, he just hoped it was enough to make Jared believe him.

For a while, it was silent between them, both men watching each other inconspicuously and Jensen was wondering if they could start fresh and maybe, hopefully, be friends. He didn’t dare to look at his watch, the feeling that he wouldn’t make his flight now gnawing at him; but some things were more important than catching a flight back home to a weekend with a book and his guitar and his buddies Jason and Steve, and settling this problem with Jared was definitely on top of that list.

“Okay, Jen," Jared sighed, still not looking happy but it seemed that, even if Jensen’s explanation wasn’t much, it had been enough for him and enough to trust Jensen, like Jensen had trusted Jared. It made Jensen smile, a warmth he rarely felt spreading through his body. "I’ll try my best. Normally I’d give you a hug now to make you feel better but as you don’t want me to, I rather not do it." Jared winked, his defeated look now gone. “It’s good we talked though. I’d have hated it if it had been my fault. It’s important to me that we get on well, man, I don’t want to screw this up. It’s too great and too much fun." Jared beamed and Jensen couldn’t help but smile back because the younger actor was right; it was great and although the schedule was hell, he’d never had so much fun at work. "But if you’re ever in the mood for a hug,” Jared laughed though his face quickly turned serious again, his tone warm, with a pinch of sincerity, "or want to talk about this or anything else, Jen, no matter what, I’ll be there. Always. Okay?"

Jensen nodded. Deep within, he knew, he’d probably never accept Jared’s offer, but the way the younger man looked at him, genuinely and affectionately, made him all warm and fuzzy inside, a feeling so much better than any hug had ever caused.

*****

Now that Jared knew what was "wrong" with Jensen, the atmosphere between the two co-stars improved at once. Pulling himself together, sometimes only remembering in the last second, Jared paid attention not to touch Jensen when it wasn’t scripted. Nevertheless, the actors grew closer day by day, becoming good friends.

For Jared, who had always built his friendships by showing his affection, it was an interesting experience. Sometimes, he wished he could just pull Jensen close and show the older man how much he liked him, but it worked well without those gestures; they had other ways to prove that they cared and got along.

Jensen prospered with Jared’s help, slowly gaining trust and revealing more about himself; tiny things that might have seemed unimportant to most people, but Jared accepted them gladly, never laughing at him and accepting him the way he was.

Sometimes, the younger actor wondered why Jensen was so reserved, sometimes even seemed scared, what was weighing so heavily on his mind that Jensen couldn’t even bear the simplest hug, but after their eye-opening conversation, Jared had sworn to himself that he’d respect Jensen’s privacy. Maybe, Jared hoped, Jensen would trust him enough and confide in him one day.

4

Christmas was around the corner and Jared and Jensen would soon leave Vancouver to spend the holidays with their respective families. Jared was looking forward to it. He hadn’t seen Sandy for weeks and his family for much longer and Christmas at home was a familiar and cozy holiday; a traditional celebration and something special every year.

First though, another Christmas party, involving lots of booze and unhealthy food, was to be celebrated, at Jensen’s place of all things! Jared hadn’t believed his ears when Jensen had told him, looking uncommonly relaxed and enthusiastic, but obviously, this party was kind of a tradition ever since Jensen had first come to Vancouver.

While a blizzard was raging outside, a warm, bright fire danced in the living-room’s fireplace and the eggnog Jared was holding warmed body and soul. He had been the first to arrive and now watched how the room slowly filled with cast and crew from both Supernatural and Smallville. Only now, as the young actor saw it with his own eyes, he finally believed it. Not one of Jensen’s buddies touched him; there were no hugs or claps on his shoulder. Just nothing. Jensen was charming, smiling and laughing, but he kept his distance and everyone without exception accepted him that way. Seeing the final proof that it really wasn’t him, Jared felt the last grain of doubt melt away and relief wash over him but once more, he couldn’t help but wonder why. What was wrong with his friend? Sure, not everyone was a walking hug monster like Jared was himself, he had to admit that, but Jensen’s behavior? It was not only strange, it was worrying.

“Caught in the act." Tom interrupted Jared’s train of thought, grinning broadly as he placed himself on the sofa. Forcing himself to look as innocent as possible, Jared wanted to deny everything, but even before Jared could open his mouth, Tom said, “Don’t even try to deny it, Jare, I watched you watching our Jenny and believe me, it wasn’t as subtle as you thought it might be." He winked, his eyes sparkling mischievously.

“Hey, don’t let Jensen hear you call him Jenny," Jared whispered, hoping that he could distract Tom.

“Padalecki, don’t you dare denying it." Tom wiggled his finger. “Why are you looking at him like this?” the older actor asked curiously.

Oh dear, had he been so obvious? “Do you think he’s noticed?” Jared asked quietly, even though the noise level in the room was so high that no one who wasn’t sitting close could hear them anyways.

“Jenny? No way." Tom brushed Jared’s concern away. "Believe me, he’s too busy playing the host and being everywhere at the same time. So, go ahead, why are you watching him like that?"

Jared scrunched up his face while he was pondering whether or not to tell Tom but it couldn’t really hurt, could it? Not that Jared really believed that Tom knew anything he didn’t know, but Tom knew Jensen much longer and maybe, just maybe, he’d find out something more about his buddy. “Promise me you won’t tell Jen," Jared begged quietly.

Tom’s eyes widened in surprise and realization. “Oh fuck. You have a crush on him." He couldn’t hold back a chuckle.

Even though it was far-fetched and definitely not true, Jared felt heat creep into his cheeks. “What???!!! No, of course not!!" he denied it, maybe a little too fast. "A gorgeous girl is waiting for me back home." With overdone annoyance, Jared punched the other actor in the chest. "So, promise. Not to tell him and not to laugh at me."

Tom snorted like a horse, but he nodded. "Scout’s honor."

”I was just wondering why Jensen is like he is. Why doesn’t he want people to touch him? Why does he barely reveal anything personal? I’ve seen him almost daily for half a year, working with him for hours and even though I really consider Jensen a good friend, I hardly know anything about him," Jared admitted, his frustration audible in his tone. "Well, I know where he’s from and a little about his folks, I know which books and movies he likes or what his favorite pizza topping is and other trivial stuff like that. But most of the time I don’t know what Jensen is thinking or feeling and I don’t have a clue what happened, if something happened at all, and why he is so guarded."

“Oh, that’s what it’s about.” Tom looked and sounded surprised. “Join the club.”

“You don’t know?” Jared’s frustration reached a new dimension. He had so hoped that Tom would bring a little light to the many questions that were Jensen Ackles.

Tom shook his head, his face showing an exaggerated mask of tragedy. "No, sorry man, I don’t. And even if I did, it wouldn’t be my place to tell, but Jensen’s." He sighed. "Mike and I, we’ve known Jensen longer than you, but definitely not better. We suspect there’s something that weighs heavily on his mind but all attempts – and believe me man, we did try – to find out were worthless. Once we even had a huge fight with Jensen and our friendship almost didn’t survive it. That was when we gave up." He shrugged, looking apologetic, obviously not really happy with their decision, even if there had not been much choice. "If I can give you a well intentioned advice, Jay: let him be. I know, it’s not easy because you obviously care about him and just want to help and make him feel better. But Jensen," shaking his head, Tom sighed in defeat, "he doesn’t want any help. That’s the way he is. Whatever it is, he wants to forget it or just wants to make it on his own. And if you want to be his friend, Jare, you just have to accept it. Just do it, for Jensen’s sake. He is worth it.”

They shared a comfortable silence, sipping on their drinks until Mike came over to drag Tom away and leaving Jared alone, lost in thought.

He is worth it, Tom’s words rang in Jared’s ears. Of course Jensen was worth it. Jared was intrigued by him, felt a deep bond with him, and, on a pure platonic level, was attracted by Jensen. He was special. And that was exactly why Jared wanted to solve this mystery, wanted to know what burdened his friend and most of all, wanted to help the reserved, green-eyed man. What could Jared do?

*****

Time quickly passed by, the new year was already two months old and not only the end of the first season of Supernatural was foreseeable but also Jensen’s birthday. Brooding over what he could give his friend, Jared had gotten a voucher for a weekend at a top class golf club for his friend after he had picked up how Jensen mentioned how much he loved to golf.

The moment Jared arrived on set on Jensen’s birthday, he made a beeline for his friend’s trailer, knocking only shortly before he entered.

Jensen was sitting on his cozy little couch, with his cell pressed to his ear and smiling softly. Turning on his heels, Jared wanted to leave since he didn’t want to disturb his friend when he was calling family, but when Jensen noticed, he shook his head vigorously, forming “Mom” with his lips.

Not able to repress a broad grin, Jared decided to stay, sitting down on one of the chairs, and bracing himself for a long waiting time; if Jensen’s mom was only a bit like his own, asking if he was eating enough and how things were going, babbling about this neighbor doing that and this aunt twice removed having said that, it would take ages. Not sure what else to do, Jared let his eyes glide over Jensen’s trailer, but there wasn’t much to see; other than his own trailer, it was spotlessly clean and empty, with only a few personal items here and there that didn’t tell him much.

Thankfully, Mrs. Ackles was not like Mrs. Padalecki or had simply told her son everything before Jared burst in because just after a couple of minutes, Jensen said bye, sighing deeply in relief. That sound Jared was very familiar with when he himself had finally survived the chats with his own mum.

At once, Jared looked over at his friend, jumping up from the uncomfortable chair. "Hey Jen, sorry for -." He pointed at Jensen’s cell, now lying on the empty space on the sofa.

Jensen brushed it off. "Nah, don’t worry. It’s great, actually. Mom has ears like a fox. She heard that someone came in but didn’t leave, put two and two together and decided it’d be impolite if I kept them waiting much longer. So, you thankfully saved me from a lot of talk about Rose and Bernice or whatever her church ladies are called." He laughed, rolling his eyes and Jared burst out in loud laughter too because in the end, their moms obviously weren’t so different after all.

They laughed until finally, Jared remembered the special occasion that had brought him here this morning, and smiling warmly, he exclaimed, “Happy Birthday, Jen!" Everyone else, Jared would now pull into a bear hug and everything inside him screamed to do it, but he had promised Jensen. He just couldn’t, could he? It wasn’t right. But maybe, if he did it right and carefully, Jensen would actually like it. "Em, I know it’s very selfish, Jen, but I’d love to give you a hug. Just today. Because it’s your birthday and just standing here and saying the words, it seems not enough." Puppy-eyes on full force, Jared knew he sounded pleading but he was sure, it was for a good cause.

"It’s enough for me," Jensen said quietly, looking very sad, but even though he would never have admitted it, he was touched by how important it seemed for Jared. Warmth spread through his body, a feeling he had never really known before, making him a little queasy and dizzy, but in a very good way. Besides, ever since their heart to heart in August, Jared hadn’t touched him. It wouldn’t kill him, not really. Sure, it would make his heart race in panic and his hands sweaty, would make him feel uncomfortable and like an animal caught in the headlights, but if it meant so much to his friend who was now looking sad and disappointed and slightly ashamed, it was just a little sacrifice. "But it seems important to you, Jay, so um, okay."

Jared’s eyes lit up and his smile was huge. "I promise to be careful, Jen. Come here," he said gently though not crowding Jensen yet.

A little unsure what to do, Jensen got up, his eyes gliding nervously from left to right and his heart hammering heavily against his chest. Slowly, Jared came closer, hesitating once and giving his friend the chance to draw back, but Jensen didn’t. Maybe, at 28, it was time to man up and leave things that had happened decades ago in the past.

Finally, Jared was right in his personal space, so close that their bodies touched and Jensen could see every mole clearly and the fine hair on Jared’s arms. The scared, wussy part of him wanted to turn around and run as fast and far away as he could, but the part that had faith in Jared prevailed and he stayed right where he was, biting his lips and playing with his sweaty hands. Jared would never hurt him.

Looking at Jensen with a warm shimmer in his eyes and a soft, what he hoped reassuring smile, Jared put his arms around his friend, one palm resting on Jensen’s shoulder, the other one on his back. He felt slight tremors running through Jensen and for one moment, Jared was tempted to let go, but he didn’t. Wanting to protect Jensen and show him that he would never do him any harm, he pulled him closer, putting his head on Jensen’s shoulder when he finally had his friend where he should be every day.

Their cheeks touched and Jared took a deep breath, drinking from Jensen, taking in simply everything; the fragrance of his friend’s aftershave and shower gel, the slight scratch of cheek against cheek, the warmth from Jensen’s body, even the slight tremble. He wanted to chase it away so badly, hugging Jensen as tenderly and affectionately as possible and wrapping all unsaid words and unspoken promises in this one hug.

"Happy Birthday, Jen," Jared murmured into his friend’s ear while his hands were now drawing slow patterns onto Jensen’s back. That was when Jared noticed that the tremors were gone, that Jensen melted into his touch and that his arms sneaked around his own body to return the hug.

Warmth spread through Jared as he realized that just right now, he had achieved something big with his friend, that Jensen had overstepped his own shadow, vanquishing one of his fears. “Happy Birthday," Jared whispered fondly once more, feeling the last restraint melt away as the older man’s fists opened into hands that were clinging onto Jared as if he was a life-belt.

It was a hug like Jensen had never gotten before. Not by his sister or the one girlfriend he had been dating, not even by his momma, who once upon a time, had been able to take all his pain away with a simple hug.

It was different in so many ways; Jared’s body wasn’t delicate, but huge and muscled and like a walking heating-pad. It felt like Jensen was pressed against Jared from head to toe, almost all parts of their bodies touching, even the intimate ones, which strangely, Jensen didn’t mind at all. It was the scent of aftershave and musk and the scratch of Jared’s shaved cheek against his. In a way, it felt like hugging himself, which had sometimes helped to chase the nightmares away, just that it was much much better, simply because Jared was someone else, sharing his space and the same air to breathe.

From one moment to the next, Jensen felt his fear melt away and the wonderful sensation of knowing that he was absolutely safe with his friend grew in his heart. Letting go, Jensen pressed his forehead against Jared’s shoulder, listening to the other man’s steady heartbeat and feeling his chest rising and falling, breathing in and out with the steady rhythm.

Finally, Jensen realized what he’d missed in the past twenty years and that a hug to say "Happy Birthday" was something wonderful, not something frightening. Deep down in that place that only belonged to Jensen, it caused a rockfall, with a part of this dark spot on his soul breaking loose and disappearing. A shudder ran through Jensen’s body with a pitiful sob escaping his throat and tears he had held back so often finally escaped, wetting his cheeks and staining Jared’s gray tee with dark spots.

Instead of laughing at him and leaving Jensen, something the older man always feared, Jared tightened his grip, pulling Jensen impossibly closer and rubbing his hand comfortingly up and down his back, once in a while even brushing over his neck, while whispering soothing nothings.

Eventually, neither Jared nor Jensen could have said how long they had been standing together like this, Jensen’s tears ran dry. Loud sobs turned into quieter pants until they faded away, too. With a last sniff, Jensen pulled away, suddenly feeling awkward, unsure what to expect when he’d look at his friend. But when their eyes met, all Jensen could see was affection and concern, even a hint of happiness, caused by the simple fact that just now, the two actors had bonded in a so far unknown way, having tied their lives together.

His still heavily beating heart made little somersaults and a smile, private and knowing, just for Jared, chased the last tear away. "Thanks, Jay," he murmured, knowing very well this little word you used day in, day out didn’t do justice to what Jared had just done for him. He had helped him to overcome a fear, to finally let go a bit and to put faith in someone and nothing Jensen could do or say could ever repay that gift.

For Jared, who was beaming brighter than the weak March sun that tickled their noses, it was enough; he had managed what he had wished for from the moment they had met. Gaining Jensen’s trust and finding a new friend for life. “Don’t mention it, Jen. That’s what friends do for each other. And I’ll gladly do it again."

Jensen knew it was true, but even before he could tell Jared, Amy, one of their assistants, was knocking on the trailer door, reminding both men where they were and that they were expected in the make up trailer - five minutes ago.

“Shit," both men called simultaneously, Jensen getting weak legs when he realized that his face was all red and puffy and that his make up girl was quite certainly going to kill him.

"Just go ahead," Jensen said, "I um..." he pointed at his blotchy face, "will come in five."

Disappearing into the trailer’s tiny bathroom, Jensen let ice cold water run over his wrist, splashing it into his face and rubbing the salt from the corners of his eyes. Even after several minutes, his eyes were still red, but for the first time in years, Jensen noticed a glimmer of hope in his startling green.

After lunch, the crew surprised Jensen with a birthday song and a gigantic cake. Blushing as deeply as the remains of the ketchup on his plate, Jensen didn’t know where to look, praying for it to end rather sooner than later. Actor or not, he hated to stand in the spotlight even though he really appreciated this little something.

When Jensen returned to the table, with the biggest piece of cake he had ever seen on his plate, Jared, who had barely left his side the whole day, was gone. Just when Jensen started to throw worried looks in all directions, his friend returned, holding a blue envelope in his hand, looking unusually self-conscious. "I just remembered that I forgot to give you your present this morning." Tapping his foot nervously, he handed the envelope over. "Once again, man, happy birthday."

Feeling the younger man’s eyes on him, Jensen curiously examined the envelope from all angles, wondering what was inside until he finally decided that the envelope alone would never tell him and that it was time to just open it and see. He felt weirdly nervous when he used a relatively clean knife to rip the envelope open, pulling out two cards after that was done.

He looked at the first one and didn’t believe his eyes. Jared wouldn’t... that was far too much! But the big green letters that read "voucher" still stared at him and didn’t go away after Jensen had inconspicuously pinched himself in the arm. For the second time on his birthday, the actor found himself speechless and in the awkward situation that a simple "thanks" was just not enough. “Wow, Jay! I don’t know what to say," he admitted, full-on stuttering, really overwhelmed with what Jared had given to him. “That’s awesome! But far too much, Jay. You shouldn’t have. Wow. Thanks!!”

The younger man, who had looked at bit unsure at his first outburst, now had a very satisfied grin on his face. “You like it?" He bounced excitedly on the uncomfortable chair. "Awesome. I remembered how I heard you and Kim talking about playing golf and I thought... well, I thought you might like it, doing it for a little longer than just a few hours on a Saturday."

"It’s perfect, Jared!" Jensen exclaimed excitedly, glancing at the voucher again, like he couldn’t believe that he was really holding such a great present in his hand which had his name printed on it in bold, dark letters. "Thank you, so, so much." He pressed his hand against his heart, flashing a real, happy smile at his friend.

"You’re welcome," Jared said. "And um, if you like, but only, if you really really like, I wouldn’t mind coming with you, man."

A whole weekend with Jared? This present was getting better and better. After being a total wuss a few hours earlier, Jared still wanted to spend his precious free time with him! Jensen felt unbelievably blessed, having a friend like Jared and moisture that really wasn’t welcome right now sneaked into his eyes. What would Jared think, or, even worse, the crew, if he started to cry right now? “You’re a horrible golf player," Jensen chuckled a bit falsely, using the moment when Jared threw his head back to laugh heartily to wipe his eyes.

“I can’t deny it. But that’s definitely not a good enough reason to keep me from spending a great weekend with my best friend."

Jensen’s heart swelled a little more, if that was even possible, when he heard Jared call him best friend and he swallowed a few times, fighting once more for his composure, before he trusted his voice enough to answer. “I’m happy you see it like this, Jay and I’d love," once again, his hand moved to his heart, "to have you with me."

"Awesome," Jared said, watching how Jensen was now reading the card he had written. He saw the play of emotions on his face, the way his Adam’s apple moved when Jensen swallowed, how he bit his lips and hid his eyes behind his hands for a moment. Then, finally, his friend looked at him. The green of his eyes had a treacherous glimmer behind transparent liquid and for a moment, Jared wondered if he maybe had gone a little too far, writing something that intimate, maybe even sort of girly, onto Jensen’s birthday card. They were guys; they didn’t do such things.

"I won’t forget it," Jensen sniffed, Jared’s scrawl blurring through his tears. Shit. Fuck. Now he was really crying. But his friend’s promise to be right here with him and to help him carry his burden had finally broken the camel’s back, making Jensen the happiest and most grateful person he had been for a very, very long time.

Quite slowly Jensen’s hand felt for Jared’s, squeezing it gently. It was a short, hardly recognizable gesture, but for the two actors, it meant the world, strengthening their bond a little more.

5

In the following weeks Jensen distinctly warmed up, at least in Jared’s presence. Step by step, he left his warm, safe but lonely shell, trusting his friend with things he’d never talked about before; random experiences from his childhood or youth or his plans for the future he’d had back then.

Even though it were trivial things, Jared was happy that Jensen confided in him, greedily absorbing each and every one of Jensen’s words, knowing that everything Jensen revealed was a little gift, a sign of faith and a step towards him.

The better Jared got to know Jensen, the more he could put the pieces of the puzzle together. Watching Jensen more attentively now that he had an idea how his friend had been as a kid, Jared noticed soon that his friend was torn, that there were two Jensen’s. One showed the face of a tough, cool, poised man, but the other, barely to be seen, only when Jensen let go once in a while, was insecure, even broken. It was this face that made Jensen so special, but nevertheless, it was this face that broke Jared’s heart for his friend.

***

In May they were promoting Supernatural in the United Kingdom. In the morning they did a really weird interview, with questions that were rude and impolite. Not wanting to get all diva and throw a tantrum that sooner or later would fall back on him, Jared tried to take it with humor, putting on fake smiles and giving most ridiculous answers.

Surprisingly enough, Jensen joined in with equal nonchalance, even though Jared was sure Jensen was writhing inside, the way his fingers clawed into his thigh under the table just a little sign that he wasn’t feeling comfortable at all.

As soon as the reporters were gone, Jensen stormed out of the conference room, murmuring something incomprehensible, a maelstrom of emotions on his face, and leaving Jared with a queasy feeling in his belly.

A part of him wanted to run after his best friend at once, but meanwhile, Jared knew that, while Jensen probably hoped for his friend to look after him, he first needed some time to himself. Nursing another cup of coffee, Jared nervously waited ten minutes which seemed to pass at snail’s pace, hoping that Jensen would return. When that didn’t happen, Jared left the room, glad that they had a break before their next scheduled interview anyways. At least he didn’t have to worry about missing a promotion appointment.

Jared quietly knocked on Jensen’s door. He wasn’t really surprised when there was no answer because holing up was very much like his best friend. He knocked again, this time with a little more determination. “Jensen? It’s me.”

There was still no answer even though now Jared was sure that he had heard feet shuffling over the carpeted floor.

“You okay?" Jared asked, concern oozing from his voice.

He listened more closely but other than before, there was nothing. Maybe he had imagined it? Maybe Jensen hadn’t walked back to his room but had left the hotel, wandering through the city? There still was no answer and he didn’t want to linger in front of Jensen’s room too long. Besides, Jensen probably needed his space. He’d come if he wanted to talk. “Em. Okay Jen. I’m leaving," Jared announced, pressing out a frustrated sigh. "If you want to talk, you know where to find me."

Just when Jared was unlocking his own room, he heard a door behind him being opened. “Talking would be great, Jay," Jensen said quietly.

At once Jared turned around. The facade Jensen had successfully kept up during the interview had crumbled away, now showing a tired and vulnerable man who was sure of nothing, least of all himself. Jared’s chest tightened. He hated to see his friend like this, lost like a puppy, not sure if people were around who’d help and understand.

"Jen," Jared said quietly, being with his friend in a heartbeat, taking his hand and guiding him over to the small sofa. Gently, he pressed Jensen into the cushions, sitting close to him. It was a sign of the older man’s friendship and trust that he didn’t flinch when their thighs touched, that he actually leaned towards Jared, like a magnet drawn to its pole.

Jared just did what he could best, comforting with a touch and wrapping Jensen into a hug that numbed all the pain, that gave love and hope and this feeling of safety his friend had so long missed. One deft hand gently loosened tense muscles, the other held Jensen tightly while Jared whispered soothing nonsense, promises both knew he might never be able to keep but which helped Jensen to relax nonetheless.

“What’s wrong, Jen?" Jared asked once his friend had calmed down enough and drew back from the safe circle of his Jared’s arms. "Why do you pretend to be someone else when the real you is so full of doubts and worries and on the edge of breaking every moment?”

Jensen shuddered palpably, looking shocked and hunted. "How? When? I never-" he stuttered, but it was clear what it was about anyways.

"Hey, Jensen, it’s okay. I’m sure, barely anyone knows or suspects something. But Jen," he put his hand against his friend’s chest in a very intimate gesture, feeling Jensen’s heart hammering far too strong and fast, "you’re my best friend. I’ve been with your almost 24/7 for a year. I see you and I watch you, Jensen, because, how could I not," he admitted, not being ashamed. A long, long time ago, Jared had made the decision to watch over his friend, just to make sure that he could help carry Jensen’s burden a little. "Sooner or later, I was going to find out that you’re playing two parts on set every day, that you’re hardly the real you." He emphasized the last words. "But why, Jen? You’re such a great person.” He took his hand away, feeling the loss of the warmth and the rhythm of Jensen’s heartbeat at once.

Struggling with himself, Jensen was torn. He wasn’t sure whether he really should tell Jared or not. There was so much he carried around, so much angst and so many doubts and while he trusted Jared like he trusted no one, he didn’t want to burden him with all that crap, and most of all, Jensen didn’t want Jared to think any less of him because he was a wussy weakling. But because Jensen trusted his friend, he hoped that Jared wouldn’t think of him like that and this hope was enough to let go again and take the gift Jared had just given him, confiding in his friend once more.

"I just want to be liked," Jensen breathed out, barely audible, not being able to shake off his embarrassment. "But no one likes a peculiar, introverted guy who’s much too sensitive, takes things too seriously and personally; who’s freaking out and is on the verge of tears because of some fucking reporter’s questions, who’s afraid of meeting new people, doesn’t like to be in the spotlight and hates crowds.” With every word of Jensen’s confession, he felt a little more humiliated by the sheer fact that he was like that and that he was finally facing his issues, that he was admitting to them, not only to a male best friend, but also to himself. "That’s why I pretend to be someone else. It’s the only thing I’m really good at, acting as tough and confident, covering my fears, until I believe that I am a better person, someone else."

Jared felt Jensen’s pain like someone had cut him with a knife and he wanted nothing more than to take his pain away, give him a good portion of self-confidence and beat the crap out of the person who had done this to his best friend. Because someone just had to be responsible for Jensen losing all the faith in himself and considering himself meaningless and unimportant.

Jared chose his words carefully, putting all his affection into them. “Jen, please, don’t talk about yourself like that. Instead of putting so much effort into playing a person you aren’t, you should rather concentrate on how you really are and realize who you are." Jared’s lips curled into an encouraging smile, hoping so much that he could take away the deep frown on Jensen’s forehead and the hunted look in his eyes. "The things you call your bad qualities are exactly those that make you an individual and the wonderful and special person you are. Everything has two sides, Jen. Your shyness and aloofness is so rare in our business where everyone wants to stand in the spotlight, wants to be seen and heard, no matter how. It might make you a very rare species, Jensen, but a particularly lovable one. Look at Chad, man. He’s so different and his behavior drives everyone mad sooner or later."

Jensen wheezed and it almost sounded like a choked laugh. It made Jared chuckle as well but when he looked at his friend, he quickly remembered that this here was important and that it wasn’t about Chad, but about Jensen, and that a lot depended on it. “We all have our problems, Jen, even though hardly anyone admits to them," Jared continued. "No one is perfect and we all carry our burdens, it’s just that yours is far too big and heavy for you to carry." He saw Jensen shrug and bite his lips awkwardly, but there was much to say and if not now, then maybe never. "The interview earlier, Jen. It was really rude and way below the waistline, but you did so well. You reacted very professionally and stayed polite; no one can expect more from you." Jared smiled encouragingly. "Feeling unwell among strangers isn’t bad either. You’re careful and there’s nothing wrong with it, especially with our job. I’m someone who makes friends very easily and gets along with most people. Sure, that’s great but Jen, you wouldn’t believe how often I was screwed by it." Jared laughed, but there wasn’t any humor in it because the memories weren’t pleasant ones. "Healthy mistrust doesn’t do any harm and it doesn’t hurt. Besides, who knows what it’s good for? Above all, Jensen," Jared sighed, "we all have our peculiarities. Just look at me, man. I’m far from perfect, laughing too loud, talking too loud and far too much, sometimes being just damn annoying. Not to forget that I can’t help getting into other people’s personal space. Which I know is a really bad habit because not everyone feels comfortable with it. You were the best but not the only proof." Jared smiled lopsidedly. "You’re a good man the way you are, Jensen Ackles, and I really wish you’d see it. I know that there is something dark and secret in your past." Jensen turned pale and if there had been a hint of doubt in Jared, it was finally gone. "It hurt you deeply and the wound is still bleeding, I can see it whenever I look at the real you, Jensen. But, whatever happened, it made you the person you are, Jen and that’s a very special man. One day I’m sure you’ll realize it yourself but until then, it’s enough that I know you are."

Feeling hot and cold, relieved and full of panic at the same time, for one moment Jensen was actually tempted to tell Jared everything. His friend had guessed much already so maybe it was a twist of fate. But then, Jensen brushed the thought away. He just couldn’t. He didn’t want to see the disgust in his friend’s face, didn’t want Jared to see him as the dirty man he was. "You’re right," Jensen admitted despite himself, "something happened, two decades ago and it," he swallowed as he felt his throat tighten, "was the catalyst for everything I’m now. It changed everything." Jensen rubbed his hand over his face, first hiding his mouth, than hiding his eyes, hoping to camouflage his emotions because, once more, tears tickled his eyes. Today though, Jensen was determined to choke them down. "But I can’t tell you, Jared. Not now. Maybe never. Can you understand?"

Jared did, he had not expected anything else. Jensen had come a long way in a short time and he couldn’t expect too much of him, especially if it were things so personal. And what Jensen had just admitted was a step in the right direction. "Sure I can."

He opened his arms and after only a moment of reluctance, Jensen leaned over and let himself be enveloped in Jared’s warmth again.

"Thanks, Jay," Jensen whispered. "For being there. You’re an awesome friend."

It made Jared smile, knowing well enough that he only was awesome because Jensen let him be there for him.

**

It wasn’t that late yet, just after 11 pm, but Jensen was lying in the soft bed, waiting for sleep that didn’t want to come. He’d almost dozed off while sitting in the hotel bar with Jared but as soon as he’d laid his head to rest and switched off the light, every thought of sleep was gone, even though he still felt the tiredness to the marrow of his bones.

Too many thoughts were running through Jensen’s mind, gnawing on him and causing emotions of all kinds. He was still so touched by what his friend had told him earlier, that, although Jensen was worth so little in his own eyes, he was worth so much to Jared. He didn’t know how he deserved a friend like him.

But if Jared knew, would he still look at Jensen with so much worry and affection, still give him the feeling that he was one of the most important persons in Jared’s life? Would he still hug him like this, taking all his pain away and wrapping him into a blanket of warmth, safety and comfort? Probably not… Somewhere, every friendship ended and what had happened; it would be enough to push everyone away, because Jensen was incurably stained. How could someone like and love him if they knew? Especially if Jensen couldn’t love himself?

No, he just could not risk it, losing Jared after he had found him. It was unthinkable. He’d rather carry his secret to his grave than take the risk of losing the best thing that had ever happened to him.

6

It was the end of September and the leaves on the tress that were surrounding the luxurious golf and spa hotel had turned to stunning colors. The evening sun, unusually mild for this time of year, suffused everything into a soft light, including the cozy bedroom with the king size bed Jared had made himself comfortable on.

Because of their tight schedules during summer hiatus, it had taken much longer than they’d planned until Jensen and Jared could spend their golf weekend together. They had arrived on Friday and Jensen had spent the whole Saturday on the golf course. At first, Jared had accompanied him, but after lunch he’d capitulated, making use of the hotel’s huge spa program instead. Well relaxed and fed Jared was now sitting on his bed, zapping through the TV channels, and waiting for Jensen to get out of the shower.

Brooding over what he should watch on TV for the time being, Jared didn’t hear his half ajar door being pushed open a little more and Jensen stepping in. Only when the older man announced his presence with a loud "Hey, Jay," did Jared startle, taking in a sharp breath and looking up with a hounded expression.

It went away the moment Jared actually saw his friend and he shook his head in annoyance. "Oh, wow, it’s you." He released a long breath.

"Did I scare you, big man?" Jensen asked, not able to hide the hint of tease.

He looked good, Jared noticed as Jensen stepped a little closer; with his wet hair, tousled and sticking out in all directions and a face that had caught a bit of sun. Best of all though was the smile on his friend’s face and that, for once, Jensen didn’t looked haunted but happy and relaxed. "Yeah," Jared laughed, shaking his head over his own stupidity, "you did. Totally caught me unprepared. Didn’t expect you yet."

"Sorry dude. I know how that can be. I remember once that someone approached me on the street, asking me for the next grocery store and they totally made me jump," Jensen admitted and it made Jared feel a little better, a smile now ghosting over his lips. "So um, what are you up to?"

Jared shrugged, pointing at the TV. "Not much. Changing channels every few minutes. Better tell me about your day, Jen," he prompted though it was obvious that it had been a good one for his friend.

"It was so awesome," Jensen exclaimed with rapture. "I had such a good time! The golf course and the weather and the whole scenery. Really Jay, thank you so much for this!"

Warmth and happiness spread through Jared as he saw his friend being so full of life and joy about something so mundane. "Don’t mention it, Jen." Jared brushed Jensen’s thanks away. "I’m just happy you enjoyed yourself. You deserve it. We both deserve it."

The older man nodded in agreement. "We definitely do, with the past weeks being so busy. So um, how was your day after you left me?"

“Heavenly." Jared sighed contently. "Relaxing. Went swimming, did some work out and had a massage and the guy loosened muscles I didn’t even know existed." Jared laughed. "I almost feel like reborn."

"Sounds great. So, are you ready to go out?"

"Sure," Jared agreed. "There’s this one bar in town that’s supposed to have great live music on Saturday nights." Jared scooted to the edge of the bed, but the moment he got up, he felt a strong wave of dizziness wash over him, with his equilibrium gone and darkness clouding his eyes for a heartbeat. In panic, he felt for the nightstand, holding onto it tightly to steady himself and taking deep breaths that didn’t really help to chase the feeling of sickness away.

At once, Jensen was there, supporting Jared with a hand on his back, looking at him with concern. "Jay? What’s going on? Are you sick?"

Leaning heavily against Jensen and being very grateful for his support, Jared took his time, breathing in and out, in and out until he finally felt a little better and ready to answer his worried friend. "Not feeling too peachy, man. Dizzy and a little queasy." His stomach was in turmoil and he had to fight to keep his late lunch down.

“Can I help you, Jay? Do you want me to call a doctor?" Jensen asked, his eyes blown wide with worry, his hand rubbing up and down Jared’s back. Even now, Jensen only rarely gave touches like this freely and it made feel Jared a little better already.

“No. I’m good," Jared lied. He wasn’t really good but he didn’t want to make a mountain out of a molehill. "Might be a side effect of the massage, with the muscles relaxing. Really," Jared added when he saw Jensen’s doubtful face. "It’s half as bad as it looks.”

“Sure?" The older man looked at Jared with skepticism. "Maybe we shouldn’t go out but stay here. I rather - "

“Bullshit," Jared cut his friend off much harsher than he had intended to. "I’m feeling much better already. I’m awesome." Jared faked a smile and it froze on his lips when he was hit by another wave of dizziness. "Okay," Jared pressed out, "maybe I’m not that awesome."

“My point." Jensen arched his brow, looking like he had known it all along. "We stay put. And you, young man, right where you are, here on this cozy bed."

Jared didn’t have any strength to fight, much too occupied to keep the contents of his stomach from meeting the far too bright carpet. He just nodded, which wasn’t a good idea, because it caused another wave of dizziness, and watched as his friend fluffed the pillows. Jared didn’t even object when Jensen tugged at his jeans, helped him putting on comfortable sweat pants and gently pushed him down into the mattress and tucked him in. It is nice to be cared for, Jared thought.

“Are you comfortable?" Jensen asked when he was done, looking down at Jared with a frown of worry on his forehead.

"Yeah. I’m much better already. Thank you, Jen."

"It’s nothing, dude. You’d do the same for me," he murmured. "So em, do you want me to keep you company or do you rather want to sleep?"

Jared couldn’t refrain from rolling his eyes. "Dude, I might be a little sick and dizzy, but I’m not eighty. It’s bad enough that I ruined our night out and I definitely don’t want to go to sleep now. So sure, I’d love for you to stay." Jared pointed at the free half of his bed. “Hop in, Jen. There’s enough room for you here, too."

For a second, Jensen hesitated but then he pulled himself together. He was being ridiculous; bed or couch, there wasn’t much difference. Besides, it was Jared, not some stranger and being with Jared meant being with a friend and a confidant, being distracted and having less nightmares. Above all, the beds in the hotel were damn comfortable, much more comfortable than the armchair in the corner by the window.

Jensen hurried to the other side of the bed, crawling onto the mattress and leaning his back against the comfortable, cushioned headboard. Without really thinking about it though, Jensen still kept his distance, leaving a big gap between himself and his friend and almost sitting on the edge of the bed.

Jared threw a punishing glance at him. “Jen, I don’t bite… you know that.” He released a long breath that sounded a little helpless. “Come a little closer and you can have your share of the cover."

Even though the older man hadn’t done it intentionally, he felt like being caught in the act, even a little guilty. “Sorry… I…”

“Stop making apologies, Jen," Jared interrupted him softly. “It’s okay. I know you need your space. But look at you." Jared’s lips formed a disapproving grimace. "You’re almost falling off the bed and since the sun’s gone, the room got chillier. You’re only wearing a thin tee and your hair is still damp. I really don’t want you to get sick, man. Eric would kill me. And you don’t want that, do you?" Puppy-eyes on full force, Jared looked at him pleadingly.

Of course Jared was right and his offer was nothing but reasonable. Goosebumps had already crept over Jensen’s arms because it was chilly and his right leg was almost sliding off the mattress. And it was sweet that Jared cared so much, even though it was him who was not feeling too well. Furthermore, his presence really seemed inviting. Smiling sheepishly, Jensen slid closer, until his shoulder touched Jared’s and Jensen could feel the warmth radiating from his friend, sending a weird but not unwelcome prickle through his body.

For a while, Jared zapped through the programs until they silently agreed on watching some old western.

Jensen felt strangely content; sitting so close to his best friend, barely talking but watching the movie while the darkness slowly swallowed them, until he could only see the vague outline of Jared’s face, with the bluish flickering of the TV and the pale moonlight that grazed their faces not giving enough light. Somehow, it was intimate, on a different level than a touch or a hug and it made Jensen strangely emotional. For a long time, Jensen wondered if he could and should put it into words, not wanting to be a total sap, but often enough, Jared had encouraged him to talk about shit like this.

Eventually, as the movie was well progressed, Jensen just spat it out. "It’s good to have a friend like you, Jay, and to just sit here and have you by my side. Thanks for being there for me and taking me the way I am."

Turning his head in surprise, Jared wasn’t sure if he had understood his friend correctly, with the dramatic music coming from the boxes and Jensen speaking so quietly. But he saw his friend caging his lower lip between his teeth, looking sheepish and a little uncomfortable in his own skin, and Jared knew, it couldn’t have been his imagination.

Who would have thought that Jensen could be such a sap, but such a brave sap? Saying this aloud. Most men would rather die than do it; showing they had a soft core was sort of a taboo. But Jensen, he wasn’t most men, far from it. His friend’s words made Jared all warm and fuzzy inside, like sometimes when Sandy said "I love you" or when she looked at him in that special way. It was confusing, feeling the same for Jensen now, who was his male best friend, but Jared smiled it away, looking at his co-star more closely.

It was too dark to see much, but nevertheless, it was clear that Jensen already regretted his revelation, the way his eyes moved and his body was cramped telling Jared enough. For a moment, Jared was tempted to just ignore it, to spare his friend more awkwardness, but ignoring something like this was out of question between them.

“Sap," he called Jensen and Jared was surprised at how soft and gentle it sounded. What was wrong with him? If Chad had said something like this, not that he would for a lot of money, he would laugh his ass of. But Jensen, he was different and everything about their friendship was different. Jared always felt the urge to look out for him and make sure that Jensen was okay and he didn’t mind doing it, was glad that he could do all the things and make Jensen feel like this. "But I agree, it really is nice," Jared admitted because, sap or not, Jensen was of course right. "C’mere." He waited a few heartbeats to give Jensen the chance to draw back if he didn’t want to be hugged, but even before Jared could put his arm around Jensen’s shoulder, the other man had slipped closer, putting his head on Jared’s chest, looking for warmth and closeness.

Closing his eyes, Jensen snuggled close. At the moment, nothing else mattered for him. He needed that now, being with Jared, being wrapped in his arms, feeling his warmth and the soft rise and fall of his chest under his head. In a way, what was happening was unthinkable between two guys, but right now, Jensen didn’t mind. For once, Jared had taken all of his self-consciousness away with reacting that way and Jensen knew, as unusual as it was, it was alright. They were good, Jared and him.

As Jared was holding his friend like this and looking down at him, at the spiked hair and the long eye-lashes, at the freckled skin now looking almost otherworldly in the silver moonlight, Jared felt his chest tighten and tighten until he was sure he’d suffocate. Something threatened to overwhelm Jared and only after a while did he admit to himself it was love. Another kind of love he felt for his family or other friends or even Sandy, but it was so strong that it caused a turmoil of emotions deep within.

Eventually, Jared forced himself to look away and concentrate on the stupid movie. Jensen was still there in his arms, almost being a part of him, slowly breathing in the same rhythm, his head a warm weight on his chest, his hand a soft presence on his abdomen.

Then something changed, in the way his friend was breathing and was curled up against him; Jensen had fallen asleep, the exercise of the day taking its toll. Jared swallowed. The movie forgotten, Jared switched off the TV, watching his friend sleep instead. He knew it was probably creepy, but it was nice, too nice and intimate to look anywhere else. Jensen’s quiet breathing, the way his nose gently prodded Jared’s skin, Jensen’s heartbeat next to his.

In his sleep, Jared saw the real Jensen clearer than ever before, the tough mask gone, showing a face of vulnerability, with the lines of worry softened and his features relaxed. Carefully, not wanting to wake his friend, Jared slid down on the mattress, thankfully not feeling dizzy any longer.

He made sure that Jensen was warmly tugged against his side, the blanket covering everything of him except Jensen’s head. "Sleep tight, Jen," Jared whispered and, brushing his lips over Jensen’s forehead, Jared closed his eyes and let sleep take him away.

**

Birds chirping their morning song woke Jensen from a dreamless, relaxing sleep at the break of dawn. Feeling warm and content, he slowly opened his eyes only to be overwhelmed by pure panic when he found himself in an unfamiliar room, encased by complete darkness, a massive shadow next to him. While the reasonable part in Jensen knew that nothing bad had happened, his instincts prevailed as memories, hidden in the darkest corner of his mind, awoke. Memories of coldness that had crept into the marrow of his bones, of impenetrable darkness and an old mattress on a rusty, creaky bedstead, smelling of sweat, piss and moldiness. Pictures of moving shadows, the sound of nocturnal animals in his ears, of huge, heavy feet on a dirty, old and rough wooden floor. Memories of overwhelming shame and pain in his whole body and in his mind, so agonizing that back then Jensen had thought they would never go away and in a way, they never did.

Panic overwhelmed and petrified Jensen, impeding him from leaving and turning him into a shivering ball of limbs he couldn’t control. The only thing Jensen could do was slide away from the scary shadow and pull his legs protectively towards his torso. He filled his lungs with choppy breaths of stale air, but it didn’t help, only got worse when it reminded him so much of what had happened. More and more, Jensen felt as if suffocating in his panic, whimpers now joining the helpless gasps and tears streaming down his face. "Please don’t hurt me," he pressed out between lips he had already bitten bloody.

Disturbing noises sounded through Jared’s really nice dream, not fitting at all and worrying him. He wanted to chase them away but they didn’t go away, got louder, more frightened and panicked until Jared realized that this wasn’t a dream. Suddenly wide awake, the younger man felt for the light switch, turning on the small lamp on his nightstand and looking over to the spot where Jensen had slept next to him.

It was empty but his best friend wasn’t gone. Jensen’s body a shivering bundle, the man had slid away as far as possible, pressing his back against the headboard as if it could protect him. His features, so relaxed and peaceful only a few hours ago, were a mask of pure horror now; stained with huge transparent blots of tears, whimpers and almost incomprehensible pleas escaping thin lips, a thread of bloody saliva hanging in the corner of his mouth and eyes wide blown with fear.

The sight scared Jared and a feeling of helplessness took hold of him, robbing him of all strength for a moment. What was wrong with his friend, what was happening? What was he supposed to do? Could he even do something to help a man who had turned into a scared animal, who looked at him without seeing him, not really noticing where he was and that no one would hurt him?

"No," Jensen whimpered, now loud enough for Jared to actually understand. "Please. Please. Don’t hurt me."

Jared felt his heart break, a stinging pain in his whole body, followed by so much sadness and the urge to help, to never see this look of horror on his best friend’s face again. Quite carefully, Jared opened his hands in a surrendering gesture, showing Jensen that he wouldn’t hurt him, that he wouldn’t touch him if he didn’t want to, wouldn’t even get close to him.

“Jen… it’s me, Jared," he said, noticing that his voice was shaking and that his own eyes were burning with tears. "I’d never hurt you. You know that. You’re safe. Everything is okay. You’re safe."

Just like Jensen repeated his scared pleas, Jared talked to his friend soothingly, saying the same words of comfort over and over again and locking eyes with Jensen. Eventually, Jared couldn’t tell if it was minutes or hours later, Jensen’s gasps turned into quieter breathing, his pleas fell silent and his eyes finally recognized Jared. “Oh God…," he stammered in humiliation as Jensen realized what had just happened, what he had done.

“Jen, it’s me, just me. Everything is okay. No harm done." He slid a little closer, relieved when he saw that Jensen didn’t flinch and finally put his warm hand on Jensen’s arm. It was ice-cold, covered with a sheen of sweat. "Everything’s okay, Jen," he repeated again, moving his hand up and down his friend’s skin, and rubbing a bit warmth into it. "No need to be ashamed, Jen. Just let me help you, okay? Did you have a bad dream? Or was it something else?

“Jay, I’m so sorry," Jensen breathed out, still seeming confused.

“Hey, nothing happened, man. No need to be sorry. Don’t you ever be sorry, Jen. I’m here, I won’t leave. I’m just really worried about you."

Jensen turned his head away, not believing that this had just happened. He felt dirty and ashamed, almost like then and he couldn’t face Jared right now, didn’t want to see the warmth in his teary hazel eyes, the look of worry and affection in his features. Jared was far too good to him. All Jensen wanted to do was leave and go to his own room, curl up into a tight ball and forget that this night and the night back then ever happened. But he couldn’t move and even if, he just couldn’t leave Jared like this. Worried and confused and so eager to help. He deserved an explanation, even a bit of the truth. “It wasn’t a dream," Jensen admitted quietly, his eyes now slowly looking back to his friend. "It was a memory of something that happened a long, long time ago and this dark room, Jay, it reminded me of it. I freaked out. It’s not your fault. I’m sorry I scared you."

Expectantly, Jared looked at Jensen. But he just couldn’t tell Jared. He wasn’t ready, it wasn’t the right time. Deep down, Jensen knew that probably, the right time would never come and that this here was as good as any. But he didn’t want to feel any more humiliated and stained, didn’t want to see the pity in his friend’s eyes and most of all, he just couldn’t lose Jared. Maybe he’d lose him anyways, with not showing his faith, but no, he just couldn’t tell him.

As the silence grew between the two actors, Jared watched a play of emotions on Jensen’s puffy red face; a battle the truth lost when eventually, the older man shook his head. It upset and frustrated Jared. For a few heartbeats, Jared was tempted to shake Jensen, to simply beat the truth out of him because he just couldn’t stand to see his friend suffer for one more second. But how could he even think that, hurting Jensen so much, forcing something out of him he wasn’t ready to confide? Violence was never an answer. He just had to be an even better friend, and shower Jensen with even more love. Maybe then, Jensen would be ready to let go of all that pain and finally tell him.

“What do you want me to do, Jen? What can I do to make you feel better? How can I help? I’d love to help.” Jensen heard the desperation in his voice and Jensen heard it, too, because he looked guilty and a little helpless.

“You can’t do anything, Jay." Jensen shook his head sadly. "You’ve already done so much for me, more than anybody else before. And I can never ever repay you for all your generosity and this wonderful friendship. But I can’t tell you," Jensen sniffed. "I just can’t. I’m too scared.

“About what, Jen?” Jared asked quietly, ready to take all the angst away.

He just got an almost imperceptible shake of Jensen’s head as an answer. “If you want to help me Jay, if you are my friend, then please, never ask," Jensen pleaded. "Can you do that?”

Jared released a deep shaky breath. “Yeah, I can do that," he promised reluctantly, the quiet, relieved "thank you" Jensen returned hurting more than these two words ever had. But there was no way to change it; if Jensen didn’t want to confide in him, Jared simply had to accept it and try to help his friend in some other way.

Suddenly, Jared felt very tired and when he looked at his watch, he noticed that it wasn’t even 6 am yet. "Let’s go back to sleep, Jen," Jared suggested and for a few moments, nothing happened apart from Jensen moving a little, looking from his friend to the door and back again, like he was choosing between staying with Jared or going back to his own, dark and lonely room.

Jensen was unbelievably tired and so cold. He wanted to be alone but he also was scared to be alone now and despite Jared’s words, he still was so ashamed of what had happened. Nevertheless, he was glad that Jared had been with him, that he still was with him and had not turned his back. He had even promised to never ask him about what had happened. It were all these things that made Jensen stay.

He left his safe spot at the headboard and crawled under the covers, the warmth enveloping him at once but not enough to chase the cold inside away. Jensen couldn’t remember ever being so cold since it had happened and he rubbed his arms up and down his body, trying in vain to get warmth into his ice-cold skin.

"Let me do it, Jen," Jared said gently, stopping his shaky hands with his own, bigger and steadier ones.

Jensen let it happen, didn’t say a word when Jared spooned him from head to toe, putting his arm around his waist and a warm hand wide on his stomach. It felt good. Safe and warm.

Slowly, Jensen’s fear melted away until he was content and relaxed again. The last thing he did before sleep dragged him away was feeling for Jared’s hand and twining their fingers together, wanting and needing this connection.

It made Jensen smile when Jared squeezed his fingers and didn’t let go.

7

Jared and Jensen didn’t mention that night ever again but when they came back to Vancouver, something had changed, the occurrences bringing them even closer together. Jensen might not have trusted Jared with his secret, but he had shown his faith in another way and it caused weird somersaults in the younger man’s tummy when he thought about it.

Jared had kept his promise but it didn’t stop him from wondering what had happened to his friend and the concern for Jensen didn’t go away, the memories of a scared, vulnerable Jensen still too clear in his mind. All kind of scenarios that could be the reasons for his friend living with so much pain and guilt were running through his mind. Had Jensen been kidnapped as a kid, locked into some dark room? Or had Jensen maybe killed someone accidentally?

Although Jared knew that he was crossing a line, betraying Jensen’s trust a little, he couldn’t think of any other way than doing research on the internet. But the regional daily newspapers from Jensen’s hometown he found in the archives didn’t show any suspicious reports. No missing or kidnapped kids, no mysterious deaths, no fires or other accidents. Just nothing. Maybe something had happened in his family? But no… now that they were so close, Jensen mentioned his folks from time to time, speaking highly and with much warmth of everyone. Not a step further than before, Jared switched off his laptop in frustration, rubbing his eyes and being at his wits’ end.

*****

One year had passed since Jensen’s Christmas party and Jared’s chat with Tom. One year that had not brought Jared any closer to solving the riddle Jensen Ackles was but that had changed his friend in many ways; Jensen had lost a little of his self-consciousness, had learned to trust and to be a little more outgoing. It suited him, Jared thought whenever he watched Jensen talk to new crew members or guest stars or to the fans who came to set now that the community slowly grew and grew.

This year, Jared had not been able to help his friend with the preparations for his infamous Christmas party because he had to do some last minute re-shoots. When Jared finally arrived at Jensen’s apartment late in the evening, all the other guests had already arrived and the atmosphere was easygoing, with people standing together in groups, sipping Jensen’s delicious eggnog or other alcoholic beverages.

“Here you are at last," Jensen called out when the friends had finally spotted each other, grinning broadly from cheek to cheek, his face flushed and his eyes glowing. "Missed you," Jensen said as he hurried over. "Hasn’t been the same without you, dude." He wrapped his arms around Jared, hugging him quickly but strongly. It made Jared smile, in both happiness and pride, it being another proof of how much Jensen had developed. Sure, his friend was a little drunk tonight, but he really liked this new Jensen, who didn’t mind to touch and hug him.

"It’s good to be here, Jen," Jared admitted, gratefully accepting the cool beer Jensen pushed in his hand. It had been a hellish week and today had been the cherry on the cake. He let Jensen guide him over to his sofa, cheery "hey’s" accompanying him on his short way and didn’t complain when Jensen pushed him into the cushions and disappeared, only to return with a plate of snacks a moment later.

"You okay, man?" Jensen asked, looking worriedly at Jared’s tired face. It caused that weird feeling Jared sometimes got when Jensen was with him and like always, he ignored it. It didn’t mean anything, they were nothing but close friends.

"Sure, just beat."

"Poor Jay," Jensen said quietly. "You can crash in my spare room if you want. Or go home if you’d rather sleep in your own bed. I won’t be mad."

Jared shook his head. It was a sweet offer but he knew how important this party was for his friend, how much effort Jensen put in it every year and how much he had been looking forward to it. He just couldn’t leave to go to sleep. "Nah, I’m good. Maybe I’ll have some coffee later but right now, I’m good, Jen. So, go and amuse your other guests while I’m half asleep." He didn’t want Jensen to miss all the fun, his friends’ laughter sounding through the room, while he was yawning and rubbing his eyes.

"Okay." Jensen squeezed his shoulder. "But I’ll be back."

For a while, Jared was alone, sipping on his beer and watching his best friend’s friends, even spotting some guys he had never seen before. He just wrote a memo to himself to ask Jensen who they were when Tom joined him with a clap on his back.

First, the two actors talked about random things but then Tom’s voice shifted, turning quiet and secretive. “Jay, what did you do with Jensen?"

Jared furrowed his brow. He hadn’t done anything, not that he knew of. Okay, apart from that prank recently but it had been harmless, with Jensen laughing his ass off about his stupid face like anybody else. “Huh? What are you talking about? I didn’t do anything," he whispered back.

“I don’t recognize Jensen anymore. He is so… frank and outgoing. It’s almost spooky. He hugged me." Tom shook his head like he still couldn’t believe it. "Remember our chat a year ago? Back then, it was unthinkable, he was so self-conscious, even sort of socially awkward. And now, look at him." Jared actually did look at Jensen, smiling when he saw his friend gesticulating and laughing, not even flinching when someone from the crew bumped his shoulder but returning it without hesitation. "Who’s this new Jensen and what did you do with the old one?”

Jared chuckled at this last comment. Sometimes, like today, Jensen really was a different person and Jared could see how much his friend had changed and what a long way he had come since they had met. "I didn’t do much, Tom." Jared didn’t want any laurels for what little he had done. "It was all Jensen himself. He worked on his issues. Maybe," Jared shrugged, "I did give him a little nudge in the right direction but it was him who overcame them, and him alone."

"Whatever it was, Jay, thank you," Tom said sincerely. "It’s good to see Jensen like this. Sometimes, he really had Mike and me worried. So um," his voice shifted into a barely audible whisper, “did you find something out, about the secret?”

Jared felt weirdly reminded of a year ago, when it had been him asking Tom about Jensen’s problems, not finding out anything. Today, their roles were reversed, and like Tom last year, Jared had not much to tell, and even if he had, he would not. “No," Jared answered quietly, careful that he and Tom weren’t overheard. ”There was a moment when I thought he might tell me but," Jared shrugged, "Jensen was very straightforward. He made it quite clear that he doesn’t want to talk about it and that there is nothing more I can do for him beside the things I already did. He even let me swear that I’d never ask him what happened."

Tom looked surprised. "Really? So um, did you?"

“Sure I did. I won’t lie to you, a part of me wanted to find out real badly, but Jensen, he’s the best friend I ever had and he means a lot to me. I wouldn’t want to risk this friendship, even if it was for a good cause. And maybe," Jared released a shaky breath, "one day he will trust me enough."

Tom put his hand on Jared’s shoulder. “He does Jay. Whenever Mike and I are meeting him, Jensen can’t stop talking about you, man. Mike’s so jealous!” Tom laughed. “If he tells someone some day, Jay, it will be you."

Jared just hoped Tom was right.

8

Jensen had been very quiet during the whole week. Talking less and laughing barely, he had not only avoided eye contact with Jared or his tentative touches, but most of all, any private conversation apart from polite phrases.

As soon as shooting had wrapped, he left without saying goodbye, not even reacting when Jared called after him, his feet only carrying him faster towards the parking lot. Everything inside Jared screamed to follow Jensen, to make sure that he was alright, but despite all his issues, Jensen was a grown up, reasonable man who needed his space. So, for the time being, Jared let him be, watching his best friend drive away, anxiousness settling into his heart.

What was wrong with his friend? The old Jensen had probably been in this mood once in a while but he had hidden his true feelings deftly, acting confident and relaxed instead. The real Jensen, whose face Jared had elicited from his friend’s self with so much trouble had not been able to paper over the cracks so well.

“Jared, what’s going on with Jensen?” Kim asked with concern in his voice.

Jared shook his head and avoided meeting his director’s eye. “Don’t know. Wouldn’t want to tell me."

“Right." It was clear that Kim didn’t believe him. "You two guys, you have your secrets," he said knowingly. "Fine with me. But take care of him. I need you both one hundred percent fit when we’re shooting the season finale next week."

Jared sighed. He didn’t really care about the stupid finale, only about his best friend. “I’ll try, Kim," Jared promised anyways, because no matter what, he definitely would.

What should he do? What could he do apart from being there for Jensen, showing him that he had his back? But with Jensen avoiding him, Jared couldn’t even do that. He sighed in frustration, and, waving goodbye to Kim, headed for his own car, hoping for a flash of inspiration how to help his friend.

**

Back at home, Jared tried to distract himself, first by playing with his dogs, then by calling his girlfriend, but he couldn’t focus on anything, his thoughts always wandering back to his best friend, no matter what he did.

Eventually, Jared gave up, grabbing his cell and short dialing Jensen’s number. He wasn’t really surprised when the call went straight to voicemail.

“Hey man, it’s me. Listen Jen, I know you’ve been avoiding me the whole week but um, if you want to talk, you know where to find me. No matter when, call me, okay?"

**

Twenty hours later, Jensen hadn’t called yet and Jared’s anxiousness was growing to new dimensions. He had left his friend three more messages, a width of emotions, from worried to pissed, from pleading to upset, but there had been nothing in return, just silence. Now, as the sun set once more and Jared was worried sick, he had enough of it. He grabbed the key Jensen had given him “in case of an emergency”, brought the dogs to his neighbor Katy who loved to babysit them and drove over to his friend’s apartment.

**

Apathetically, Jensen was sitting on his sofa, listening to the silence that enveloped him, taking a sip from the almost empty bottle of booze that was dangling between his fingers.

Some time earlier, he had tried to distract himself by watching a movie, but he had given up pretty soon, fed up with the stupid dialogues and storyline, all those idiotic problems which were nothing compared to how cruel real life could be. Since then, his only companion had been a bottle of Jack. Jack and his brother. They were good friends. Not asking questions, just taking him the way he was, not looking at him with pity or worry or in disgust, like Jensen was looking at himself. Especially now, as he let his blurred glance glide over his living-room, his blotted tee and the chaos he had left as he had thrown a still half full bottle of beer against the wall. The room stank and he stank of God knows what, but he didn’t mind. All that seemed important was numbing the pain and trying to chase the memories away again, the darkness that had taken a hold of him, the emptiness.

A while ago, he had also listened to two of Jared’s messages, his voice freaked out, his message sweet and kind and warm, like Jared was himself. But Jensen didn’t want to talk to his friend. What could he do apart from telling lies after lies, promising him that things would be alright?

Jensen knew, it would never be alright, would never go away. Jared couldn’t help him one bit. No one could help him. Today, on this horrible anniversary, no one could take away the pain and the disgust Jensen felt when he looked into the mirror. Not even Jared could work such a miracle.

**

Unsurprisingly, Jared didn’t get an answer when he knocked on Jensen’s door. He tried again, waiting for a while and listening to any sounds coming from the other side. When nothing happened, he unlocked the door and entered the apartment. A stench engulfed Jared at once, of booze and vomit, both stomach-churning and worrying. It was completely dark in the room, with the shutters closed and no light switched on.

“Jensen? Are you home? It’s me," Jared called while blindly feeling for the light switch, the sight shocking him when he had finally found and used it. Slumped down, Jensen was sitting on the sofa, his clothes smudged, his eyes half-closed and his face pale. There was an empty bottle of Jack lying on the floor and another, almost empty one, was tightly clasped in Jensen’s hands. He didn’t move, he didn’t even flinch and maybe, Jensen didn’t even notice that Jared was there.

"Oh Jen," Jared called, hurrying over to his friend’s side, the odor of booze and vomit even more breathtaking there. Kneeling in front of his friend, he took the bottle from Jensen’s hand, not feeling one bit of resistance. "What did you do, Jen?" Jared whispered, more to himself than to his friend, who was far too drunk to answer anyways.

Nevertheless, he finally got a reaction from his friend. "Go away," Jensen slurred, moving his hand uncoordinated, like he was brushing away a nasty fly. "Don’t want you ’ere."

Jared simply ignored it. Right now, he didn’t give a shit what Jensen wanted or not, he only cared about what his friend needed and that was as much help as Jared could offer. Looking around, Jared wondered how much Jensen had drunk. The whole bottle? Less? More? There was no way to find out, but it was clear that Jensen had started drinking the day before, the stained tee the same he had worn on Friday evening, the sour stench of old vomit, which had smudged the carpet close to the shriveled pot plant, poisoning the air.

What could he do now, Jared wondered. Should he take Jensen to the hospital? What if the media got wind of it? Eric would be so pissed. But what if he didn’t call medical help and Jensen had alcohol poisoning? People could die from it or sustain serious brain damage. Thinking about all those worst case scenarios, Jared felt panic rise in his chest but he forced himself to stay calm, wondering what Jensen would want, apart from being left alone, which was out of question. He would not want to go to hospital, if he could avoid it. And maybe... maybe the empty bottle on the carpet had almost been empty yesterday and Jensen had opened the fresh bottle then, drinking enough to make him sick and the rest today. There also was a huge blot of dark liquor that had ruined the sofa and that smelled of booze and it looked like Jensen had spilled a good deal.

"I’m going to help you, Jen," Jared vowed to both of them, catching Jensen’s hands that were still beating through the air uncontrollably. Only then did Jared notice that they were not only shaking and twitching, but that they were clammy and cold. "You stay here for a moment, okay? I’ll be back soon."

Jared didn’t even hear Jensen’s incomprehensible answer as he was heading for the kitchen to get a bottle of water and a woolen blanket from the linen closet in the hallway. "You’re freezing, Jen," Jared stated the obvious as he wrapped the blanket around his friend. "And I brought you some water."

A pitiful moan escaped Jensen’s lips and he shook his head no, but Jared didn’t want to hear any of it. "You’ll feel better if you drink it, Jen, you know you do." He pressed the bottle against Jensen’s lips and after a few moments of stubbornness, Jensen finally took the first sip, spilling a bit, drops hanging in the stubble of his beard and joining the stains of whiskey on his tee. Jared wiped them away, the feeling of Jensen’s scratchy skin strangely intimate beneath his fingers, so different from when he touched his own unshaven face.

But there was no time to have his thoughts linger on something like that and he shrugged it off, helping his friend to drink some more water. When half of the bottle was empty, Jared was satisfied for the time being, opening every window in the living-room instead. The cool, rainy spring air engulfed Jared at once, making his head clear and chasing the disgusting stink away. He hoped it would do the same for his friend, whose condition had not really improved.

Feverishly, he thought what else he could do... something hot. Coffee or tea. Jensen’s elixir of life was coffee but he would rather try tea; his sister swore by it when she was having a hangover and the one time they had been partying together and Jared had one or a few glasses too many, it had worked miracles on him, too. And it couldn’t do any harm to his friend. Searching through the cupboards in the kitchen, Jared finally found some black tea, brewing a huge pot for Jensen.

Jensen scrunched his face when he noticed, not liking tea a lot and only having it for guests, but after cajoling Jensen into drinking it, he slowly sipped on the hot liquid. What now? Sooner or later, he should bring Jensen to bed to sleep his buzz off, but maybe, it was still a little too early for that. Jensen needed more liquid to dilute all the alcohol in his blood. "Have the rest of the water, Jen and then I’ll get you cleaned up." Pressing the bottle into Jensen’s hand, Jared watched him take a few sips before he hurried into Jensen’s bedroom where he opened the window to replace the stale air with fresh one and grabbed a soft, freshly laundered tee and sweat pants.

When he returned, Jensen looked at him for the first time, his eyes a little clearer. "Jay?" he asked in surprise, as if he only now realized that Jared was with him.

"Yeah, it’s me, buddy," Jared said, rubbing his hand over Jensen’s chest, the smudged tee sticky beneath his palms, the hiss that escaped his friend’s lips, as if the touch burned him, painful in Jared’s ears. He pulled back his hand at once, not wanting Jensen to feel any more uncomfortable than he already did, swallowing the feeling of confusion and hurt down. "So um, let me help you with changing your clothes, man," he announced, taking the water bottle away from his friend.

The only sign of agreement Jared got was a drawn-out moan, but when Jared asked Jensen to open his zipper, the older man started to fumble at his pants with uncoordinated hands while Jared unlaced his friend’s shoes and pulled off the old socks. Once Jensen had succeeded, the jeans were gone fast but Jared couldn’t help noticing that his friend flinched whenever Jared touched him, even though he was so careful, his fingers only brushing over the pale, freckled skin. "It’s just me, Jen," Jared said once in a while, especially when he started to strip off Jensen’s shirt. "You know me, Jen, I’m not going to hurt you."

After long minutes, his task was done and Jared brought a cold, wet towel he used to wipe Jensen’s wrists and face. It was torture, for both of them, with Jensen whimpering and flinching under every touch, like a hurt animal, and Jared being close to tears at how his best friend suddenly rejected him. Once again, Jared swallowed it down; it was no good. Jensen wasn’t himself, not really, he was wasted and something had disturbed him, but he didn’t mean it.

"Want another cup of tea, Jen?" Jared offered when he saw the still almost full pot on the coffee table.

His friend slightly shook his hand but pressed out a murmur that sounded like "water" and Jared went to fetch another bottle, watching how his friend slowly emptied it.

Once, Jared had a look at this watch. It’d been over an hour now that he had arrived and he had the feeling that Jensen, though still uncoordinated in his movements and resigned, was at least aware of his presence. Maybe it was time to bring him to bed. "So um, how about some shut-eye, Jen? Though, um, I need to touch you to help you get over to your bedroom," he announced carefully, the way Jensen was grimacing not really the answer he had wished for. But when Jared held out his hand, Jensen took it after a few moments of hesitation, and even though he flinched, he didn’t do anything else when Jared pulled him up carefully and put his arm around Jensen’s shoulder to guide him over to his bedroom.

The cold air inside hit them the moment they entered and even tough Jensen pressed out a murmured "cold", he took in a deep breath, like it might help him clear his head a little. When Jared tucked him in, Jensen focused on him again. "Jay... God... I’m so trashed," he moaned.

“That’s okay, Jen. We’ve all been there. But no harm done. Don’t worry, I’ll look after you," Jared promised.

With horror, Jared saw Jensen’s eyes fill with tears. “Why Jay… why’re so nice? Why’re you ’ere?” Jensen sniffed. “How did I deserve you?"

Jared’s chest tightened when he heard Jensen talking like that. He really thought that Jensen had overcome all that but it was obvious that he was still hurting and still doubting that people were around because he was important to them. “I’m here because I love you, Jen," Jared moistened his lips, feeling the heat creep into his cheeks despite the cold in the room. He never once had told a male friend that he loved him but with Jensen it was the truth. And the gasp of surprise his drunk friend took in was proof that Jensen had never heard it before. "I was worried about you and I wanted to make sure you’re okay. I just want to help, Jen."

“Love… Jay. What’s love?" Jensen pressed out weakly. "I can’t love… Never learned to love, just learned to hate myself," Jensen admitted under shaky breaths with tears streaming down his face. "You won’t believe how much I hate myself. Why did he do this to me?” he exclaimed desperately

A tear escaped Jared’s eye and what he saw in Jensen’s normally so beautiful face choked him; it was a grimace of hate, pain, disgust and desperation and worst was that it was aimed at Jensen himself. What had been so horrible that a kid had never learned to love, that he still couldn’t love and that he hated himself so much? It was a tragedy that Jensen was going through this and even though the situation seemed to swamp him, Jared tried his best to help his best friend out. “Shh Jen…. You’ll love. I promise. No one deserves it more than you." Jared wanted to touch his friend so badly but he didn’t, just looked at him, conveying everything he felt with that one look, warm and affectionate.

The tears that were running down Jensen’s face intensified and suddenly, the relative quietness in the room was ripped apart by uncontrolled, desperate sobs. Jensen cried and cried but in between, he finally let it out, stammering a tale he never wanted to tell. Most of Jensen’s words were swallowed by sobs, but what Jared understood was enough, the words forming a cruel truth that caused an ice-cold shiver to run down the younger man’s spine

Lost for words, Jared had to handle what he just had heard, had to overcome the shock of what had happened to his best friend. Quite carefully, he leaned down to his friend and took him in his arms. Hurting as Jensen was, he let it happen, burying his head into Jared’s chest, sniffing, spitting, snotting and sobbing, not flinching when Jared combed his fingers gently through his hair or down his back.

Only after a long time did Jensen calm down and only then did Jared let go, pushing his friend softly into the cushions and brushing the last remains of his tears away from his puffy face. "Go to sleep, Jen," he whispered. "I’ll be here."

**

Hardly any time had passed, probably not more than an hour, when Jensen’s sleep became uneasy. Moaning and sighing, he tossed and turned in his bed until he startled, a horrid scream escaping his lips. The dim light that Jared had switched on to help him stay awake showed Jensen’s fatigued features on an ashen face. A weak moan escaping his throat, Jensen tried to get up, but he still had problems to coordinate the movement of his limbs.

At once, Jared was by Jensen’s side. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“Sick," Jensen pressed out between barely opened lips.

"Okay tiger, let me help you to the bathroom," Jared said, just hoping they would make it in time. He had just cleaned away the puke in the living-room and that had been an experience he really didn’t want to repeat any time soon.

Carefully but still urgently, Jared dragged his friend to the bathroom, helping Jensen to kneel down to worship the porcelain god. Just in time, because the moment Jared had opened the toilet seat, Jensen started to vomit. Choking and gasping, he pressed out what seemed to be liters of bile and liquid, the disgusting stench enveloping them at once, making even Jared a little sick.

Jared forced down the urge to puke, and, breathing through his mouth, he prepared a washcloth with cold water before he sat down next to his friend, talking to Jensen soothingly and rubbing his back. Eventually, when Jensen’s stomach was empty, when a sheen of cold sweat had joined the tears on his face, he leaned against Jared. He let himself be wrapped into strong arms and didn’t flinch when Jared wiped his neck, wrists and face with the cool cloth.

For a while, Jared just held Jensen, glad that he let him, glad that it was something he could do, being there and giving love and maybe, hopefully, taking a bit of the pain away. He cupped Jensen’s hand and felt his friend collapsing against him, his weight now heavy against Jared’s own body.

"Okay, how about you brush your teeth and have some water then?" Jared suggested and when his friend didn’t object, he helped him up and, still standing behind Jensen to steady him, he prepared his toothbrush, watched him scrub the disgusting film of vomit from his teeth and rinse his mouth with a healthy dose of peppermint mouthwash.

He guided Jensen back to the bedroom, tucked him in and handed him the fresh bottle of water he had grabbed from the fridge earlier. "Drink it, Jensen. It’ll help."

Taking little gulps, Jensen slowly emptied the bottle, avoiding Jared’s worried glance. In contrast, Jared watched his friend openly, wondering again how something so horrible could have happened to the man and how on earth he could help Jensen to overcome it. Was there even a way to overcome such a nightmare, or was Jensen really doomed to never forget it and never believe in love again?

“Jay?" Jensen said eventually, pulling Jared back to reality. "Thanks, man."

“Don’t mention it. Just try to catch some sleep, okay? I’ll stay there in my corner," he pointed at the floor where the blanket lay in an untidy heap, “and will look after you.”

A weak smile twitched over Jensen’s lips and, handing Jared the empty bottle, he made himself more comfortable on the bed before he closed his eyes.

Jared kept his promise and watched over his friend. He watched him fall asleep again, the slight rise and fall of his chest, a twitch of his fingers, a flutter of his eyelids, a moan, a sigh a soft snore. Emotions overwhelmed Jared, with what had happened to Jensen, with what they were facing now, but most of all, with what he felt for his best friend. Now Jared knew the tale, he wanted to protect Jensen more than anything, wanted to take his pain away, wanted to see him love.

It would be a long road to go, with obstacles of all kinds in their way, but Jared vowed to himself that he’d be around to go every step with his friend. "I’ll be with you, Jen," Jared muttered under his breath, so quietly that he barely heard it himself. "I’ll help you to find love and until then... maybe it’s enough that I love you."

**

Like a blacksmith’s hammer, pain was knocking against Jensen’s skull, torturing him as he slowly opened his eyes. The weak spring sun seemed far too bright and when he wanted to turn away, Jensen felt his limbs ache and the world turn upside down. Taking in a sharp breath, he almost choked when a horrible smell infiltrated his nose; gosh, his mouth stank like something ugly had died a most gruesome death in there. Scrunching up his face, he tried to remember but it was hard. There was a vague memory of one or even two lonely days, his only companion Jack and his brother, but everything else was pretty much blurred.

Moaning, Jensen got up, almost tumbling over a blanket covered bundle on his floor, with only a mop of hair to be seen that definitely belonged to his best friend. "What the fuck," Jensen muttered under his breath, wondering why Jared was sleeping on his bedroom floor, curled up and dead to the world. He couldn’t remember anything. Had he and Jared partied together? No, definitely not. He had been alone in his misery. Had he drunk called Jared and asked him over? Or had Jared appeared uninvited? Jensen couldn’t remember a thing but right now, he had bigger problems, like his disgusting breath or his aching head or body.

Carefully, he stepped over his friend, dragging himself into the bathroom, a slight stench of vomit still hanging in the air. "Shit," Jensen cursed, feeling his stomach churn again. Not that it helped him remembering much, but he had a very clear idea of what had happened sometime in the night.

He opened the window, took deep breath after deep breath and only when his head felt a little clearer did Jensen start his painfully slow morning hygiene. He scrubbed his teeth like never before, rinsed his mouth with what seemed like a gallon of mouthwash and then, he had a shower. For a few heartbeats, he tortured himself with cold water, which helped to make him a little more alive, but then, he let the almost scalding hot water run over his aching muscles while he rubbed his skin clean until it was beet-red.

When Jensen finally reentered his bedroom, the spot on the floor where Jared had slept was empty. But he heard him rummaging in the kitchen and when he shuffled over there once he had donned fresh clothes, he found his friend brewing coffee and coating some pieces of toast with butter. A small wave of nausea washed over Jensen when he saw the food, but he gratefully accepted the glass of water and a Tylenol, only flinching a little at Jared’s too loud "Morning, Jen."

"Morning yourself," Jensen murmured back, swallowing the pill and the whole glass of water in one go, the water wonderfully cold and relieving in his mouth and slightly aching throat.

"How’re you feeling, man?" Jared asked, taking a sip of his coffee.

"Absolutely awesome," Jensen said with sarcasm. "What the fuck happened, Jay? I can’t remember a thing. I don’t know what I did and how you came to sleep on my floor, man."

Jared’s eyes widened in surprise. “Nothing? You really can’t remember anything?"

Jensen shrugged. "Pretty much everything is blank, Jay." An uneasy feeling took hold of him. "Did I -. I didn’t do anything stupid, Jay, did I?"

His friend shook his head in denial but he didn’t dare to look at him which only worsened Jensen’s uneasiness. “I um, can’t tell you much, Jen. I tried to call you a few times but you never answered and last evening, I checked on you. You were totally wasted, man.”

Jensen didn’t have any problem in believing this. "Yeah," he moaned, massaging his still aching head with his fingers. "I bet I was. But like I said, I just can’t remember much."

One moment, Jared was tempted not to shatter Jensen’s belief that his secret was still safe, just to spare Jensen the shame and guilt he would feel. But it would not have been fair towards him and besides, he could only help Jensen if he would finally confide in someone. "Em okay. So, maybe you want to sit down. There’s something I need to tell you, Jen." Both his voice and his look were grave and Jensen felt even worse than before, if that was possible at all.

“What’s wrong, Jay?" Jensen asked, not able to hide the hint of panic in his voice. "Am I in trouble?”

Jared shook his head. “No, of course not Jen, don’t worry. Nothing happened. But um, yesterday, when you were so drunk and I took care of you -" Jared took a deep breath and Jensen felt unbelievably sick. "Jensen, you told me what happened. I know what happened to you so many years ago."

Jensen’s heart sank and panic overwhelmed him, his face turning into a mask of terror, his hands shaking like he was having a fever. “No... that can’t be," he stuttered in denial, his voice sounding hurt and broken. "I’d never… I can’t have." He couldn’t believe it. Maybe, Jared was lying, just to finally lure his secret out of him? But deep down, Jensen knew, Jared would never do this, respected his wish, and the way his friend looked at him; it had to be the truth. Once again, his world came crashing down, collapsing like a house of cards, and he was sick, so sick and wanted nothing other than to be alone and hide from the cruelty of the world, from what had happened to him twenty-one years ago and from what he had done now.

“I’m sorry, Jen," Jared said warmly, reaching out with his hand, but Jensen pushed it away. He was so sick, so disgusted by himself.

He jumped up, and half blind, his eyes already filled with the hated tears, he tumbled to the bathroom, locking the door behind him in panic and breaking down in front of the toilet, throwing up nothing else than water and bile.

Jared’s panicked knocks on the door didn’t really penetrate his mind, because all Jensen could concentrate on was not to choke on his own puke though maybe, it would be better that way. Then he would finally have peace and quiet and his miserable life would be over. Strangely though, he kept breathing in and out, until his stomach was empty again, until his throat was hurting even more and he felt like death warmed over.

“Jen? Please open the door and talk to me," Jared pleaded from the other side of the door but Jensen wasn’t ready.

Maybe he would never be ready. He felt his heart beat quicker and quicker and panic rise in his chest. What did he do? How could he? He had sworn to never tell anybody but he had broken that promise. And to make things even worse he had told the one person whose opinion, respect and friendship meant everything to him. Trembling even harder, the worst horror scenarios imaginable were playing out before Jensen’s inner eye; Jared despising him, abandoning him, calling him a slut. How could Jared like him now that he knew the truth? How could he, when Jensen hated himself so much? He was disgusted by himself, was stained; a whore, abandoned by God and he deserved nothing other than to be abandoned by his best friend.

But there was this other, very quiet thought in his mind that reminded Jensen that Jared was still there. That his friend hadn’t run away after he had heard his tale. That he had not let him lie in his vomit, maybe to suffocate and die. Jared had stayed on his uncomfortable floor, watching over him while he was sleeping. If Jared despised him now, wouldn’t he have left him at once? Like a drowning man grasped onto a lifebelt, Jensen clung to this fragile straw of hope, slowly pulling himself out of his shock until he realized that there was nothing else to lose. He pulled himself up, refreshed himself by splashing ice-cold water into his face and brushing his teeth again.

“Jen? Please open the door," Jared demanded again. “I just want to help. Please, let me in." He knocked on the door helplessly, the sound hurting in Jensen’s head so much.

Slowly, Jensen dragged himself towards the door, just to get rid of the tedious noise ringing in his head. When he had finally managed to turn the key and open the door, Jared towered over him with a raised fist, looking like he was readying himself to break open the door. As soon as he saw Jensen though, he lowered his fist, not looking threatening anymore but relieved. "Oh Jen, thank god." He rubbed his hand over his forehead. "You okay?"

That definitely was the most stupid question Jared had ever asked because it was obvious that Jensen was far from okay and so, he just shrugged, trying to clear his head and to brace himself for what he was to do now. “Can we talk?” Jensen asked quietly, avoiding Jared’s eyes.

“Sure." Jared released a relieved breath.

While Jensen headed towards the living-room, Jared went back to the kitchen, getting two huge mugs of coffee for both of them. Gratefully, Jensen accepted the beverage, let the warmth seep into his fingers, the steam caress his face and the scent envelop him. He was strangely reminded of that day over two years ago, when he had been sitting on another couch, being equally nervous, waiting to meet his new co-star. Since then, Jensen had come a long way; he had learned a lot thanks to Jared, about friendship and himself, he had experienced so much with him, had shared so much with his best friend. He trusted Jared unconditionally. It was just the most logical step to finally tell his tale, but on the other hand all those reasons, their closeness and friendship, were exactly the reason why it was so hard and why it cost Jensen such an effort to tell his story.

“You know, my parents are pretty religious," Jensen eventually began to speak with a shaky voice. "They sent me to this convent school where my brother went, too. There were normal teachers but also monks and priests." He swallowed hard. It was much harder than he had expected it to be but on the other hand, now that Jensen had started, he finally wanted to get rid of his secret and share it.

"When I was in second grade a new teacher arrived. Father Raphael," Jensen spat out the name, a shiver running down his spine when he was thinking about that man and the things he had done to him. “He was young, not more than thirty I guess. He taught English and was popular with both students and parents." Jensen shook his head, wondering once more how they had all been so blind and naive. No one had seen the monster in disguise, no one had guessed. "From the beginning, he had a special interest in me. He was praising my talent in writing and treated me like his favorite student. My class mates were jealous," Jensen laughed a humorless laugh, "and I was so young, so naive and stupid, a little boy, just seven, eight years old. My parents had taught me modesty but I was flattered by his special treatment and I did everything so he would like me."

"Once in a while, I also saw him outside school. Back then, it seemed like coincidence, but the more I am thinking about it, the more I’m sure that it was intentional, that he wanted to gain my and my parents’ trust. I met him on the street or in the mall and every time we met, he started a conversation with Mom. He praised my talent and offered to support me outside of school. My parents, who always were very ambitious for their kids, trusted him without question. He was a man of God, what could possibly happen to me?" Jensen drew in a deep, shaky breath, taking a few mouthfuls of the now only lukewarm coffee.

"He was clever. It started with little touches; a hand on my shoulder or on my back, a blessing gesture on the head.” Once more, Jensen laughed, without any joy in it. “I didn’t mind, was flattered by the special attention I got and I felt comfortable in his company.” Jensen rubbed his hand over his mouth, bracing himself for the really hard part and throwing a quick glance at Jared. His face a neutral mask, Jared had his eyes fixed on him, listening to him attentively. The next few minutes would probably decide how things would be between them from now on, if they would still be friends, or if Jared would leave.

“One day in mid March, it was a Saturday, he picked me up in the morning. It was yesterday, twenty-one years ago. He told Mom that he wanted to take me on a long walk in the nature, to inspire my fantasy. She didn’t question him, didn’t even mind that we’d be gone the whole day. We drove for many miles until we reached the edge of a forest. He led me deep into the forest, on narrow tracks, to an old, rundown hut. That was the moment I got uneasy." Jensen shuddered, the pictures once more clear in his head, of the old shack, the dark firs surrounding it, with barely any light shining into the small clearing. "It was such a lonely, threatening and dark place. I asked him to turn around and he... he showed his true face, Jay." Jensen took another sip of the cold disgusting coffee, but it gave him a few moments to find his composure as the memories threatened to overwhelm him.

"Unbelievably quickly, he gagged me with a cloth, and, grabbing my arms roughly, he dragged me into the hut. Believe me Jay, I tried to fight, to scream, to scratch, but it was in vain." Jensen sniffed, closing his eyes for a moment. "I was only a little, defenseless kid and he was a big, strong, muscled man. And then it started, my worst nightmare."

"Jen," Jared interrupted him gently, "you don’t need to tell me this if it’s too hard."

Jensen sighed. It was hard, damn hard, but now he had started, he just had to do it, had to finish his story, telling it to Jared down to the last detail he still remembered. "I know, Jay, and I thank you, for giving me this choice, but... I have to tell you, man. I think you were right; I’ve carried it around for far too long."

He gave Jared a shaky smile and continued. "The room was tiny, with only some roughly timbered furniture and an old, rusty iron bedstead with a moldy mattress. He threw me onto it and when I tried to fight he hit me, so hard that I lost consciousness. Looking back, I am almost grateful, because I missed the part where he peeled of my clothes and cuffed me to the bed and only woke up when he touched me." Jensen shuddered. This was the most difficult and humiliating part of the story, the actual rape. "His hands were everywhere, Jay, running up and down my body. I tried to kick him with my feet but he punched me once more, without batting an eyelash, into my kidneys." Once again, Jensen felt the pain flashing through his body and he scrunched up his face. "It gave him great pleasure to have power over my defenseless body, but eventually, it wasn’t enough anymore and he fucked me."

He saw Jared flinch, but there was no way to sugarcoat it, and Jensen didn’t want to. For two years, his friend had wanted to learn the truth, and now he got it, with all the ugly details. "You can’t imagine how painful it was, his huge dick pushing into me, ripping through my small body. I wanted to scream, but I couldn’t because I was gagged, but I sobbed and sobbed, almost choking on my own spit because I couldn’t get enough oxygen into my lungs. I was so scared, Jay."

"I don’t know how long he raped and mistreated me… it seemed like a lifetime but it probably wasn’t more than half an hour, though it was the longest and most agonizing thirty minutes of my life. Eventually, he had enough of molesting me and let me be; bleeding, crying and in pain, chained up like a wild animal. I was shaking so badly, was scared, ashamed because of what had happened and because I couldn’t control my bladder anymore. For hours, I was lying in my own mess, humiliated and hurting." The odor was back in Jensen’s nose, of his pee and his sweat, most of all, of his torturer’s sweat, and of the stale, ice-cold air in the room.

"Once he woke up he noticed at once that I’d peed on me and, calling me a baby, he slapped me again before he emptied a bucket of ice-cold water over me. And then, from one moment to the next, he had this gigantic knife in his hand, showing me the shiny, sharp blade, carefully brushing it over my chest." Jensen’s eyes filled with tears, remembering how, after having survived the first torture, he had to face this new devilry and how frightened he had been. "I really thought that was it, Jay. I was so scared, so sure that he’d kill me." A shiver ran through Jensen’s body, shaking him visibly. "But he didn’t, he just threatened me, saying the most horrible things. I still remember every word, see his fugly grimace and hear him laugh."

"You’re such a beautiful boy, Jensen," he said. "Much too beautiful to slaughter. And I had so much fun with you. Much more fun than with the last kid. I had to dispose of him after the first time. His momma never found more than his right hand. But you Jensen, you’re worth it. I’ll let you live… for the moment. But if you just say one word, to dear Mommy or Daddy, to your big brother or someone else in your precious family or if you’re running to the cops, I know where to find you and I swear that I will skin you alive. And once that’s done, Jensen, I’ll carve you up, in such tiny pieces that I can feed you to the hounds."

Jensen sniffed, hiding his face in his hands and closing his eyes. He didn’t want to, but he could see his torturer as if it had been yesterday, not more than two decades past, his once so kind face a mask of cruelty. "The knife was still wandering over my chest, up and down, and I didn’t dare to breathe properly, scared that the movement of my chest would cut my skin. Still gagged, I couldn’t do anything but nod until he finally removed the disgusting cloth from my mouth, forcing me to swear that I wouldn’t tell anyone. I was so daunted that I kept my promise, first because I was so scared that he’d hurt me or maybe my family and later because I was too ashamed about what happened." Self-consciously, Jensen bit his lower lip. He still was ashamed, felt dirty and wondered if despite being only an eight year old boy, he could have done something, should have done something. But he had not been strong enough.

"It was pitch dark when he brought me home. He was lucky, because my parents were out and he told the babysitter, who looked after my sister, that I had slipped climbing a small rock, fell down, cut my face and sustained a bruise. She was far too young and innocent to notice, especially since she knew him, too. She didn’t question it, only put me into the bathtub and for what seemed hours I tried to rub and wash away all the filth on my body." Quite clearly, Jensen remembered this, too. The hot water that still hadn’t been hot enough to chase the cold in his bones away, the way he had rubbed the washcloth over his hurting body, flinching whenever he touched his most intimate parts. "But I couldn’t wash away the dirt on my soul, Jay, the fact that I was stained.” Jensen sighed deeply.

“I think it was just a lucky coincidence that he didn’t kill me. I caught bronchitis and while I was still sick at home, he was surprisingly transferred to another school. But even after he was gone, I didn’t dare to tell my parents. Like I said, I was terribly frightened and unbelievably ashamed. Time passed and it didn’t heal the wound, but turned me into a shy, withdrawn, socially awkward kid who really hated himself. I told myself that it was my fault. Why else would something like that happen to me?" Jensen shrugged. He still didn’t know. Other than then, he knew that it didn’t have anything to do with being evil, but he still wondered why things like that happened and why it had to be him.

"That’s why I never learned to love, Jay. I didn’t feel it anymore, couldn’t give it anymore because I shied away from all kind of gestures until eventually, even my mom let me be. When I reached puberty it was especially gruesome. My buddies had girlfriends but I, I was so afraid to get close to anyone, to be with a girl. When they started to tease me, calling me a fag, I asked a girl out. She was really sweet, but for me, it was another kind of torture. I never felt comfortable being with her, touching her, being touched by her and when she wanted more than kisses, I freaked out. Ever since, I’ve been alone, Jared." He released another shaky breath. It was over. Finally, after all those years, he had told his story. It wasn’t that he was okay now, that he had stripped off all his issues with this one revelation, but at least, Jensen felt a little lighter. He had confided in someone and neither had that someone run away, calling him a slut, nor had the ground opened and swallowed him. The world was still turning but for Jensen, so much had changed.

He chanced a quick look at his friend, whose face was white as a ghost’s with tears swimming in his eyes. It was weird, seeing Jared, who barely wept, crying because of him. Jensen didn’t really know what to say, everything that had happened in the past hour overwhelming him.

Luckily, there was no need to say anything, because it was Jared who smiled at him sadly, saying, "You’re not alone, Jen. I’m with you."

It was sappy and girly but it was exactly what Jensen needed right now and the best thing was, that Jared literally was with him a glimpse of an eye later; with a comforting, strong hug that said more than a thousand words, that wrapped Jensen into warmth and safety, giving him the feeling that there might be a chance to heal and to come to terms with himself, no matter what had happened. And like Jensen had done so often ever since they had met, he put all his faith in his friend, letting go of the pain and shame, crying his heart out once more, feeling a little lighter with every spilled tear.

“I can’t believe that you’re still here, Jay," Jensen said when he had found a little composure again, his voice dry like the Sahara desert and scratchy like its sand. "I was so scared that you’d leave, that you’d call me a slut and be disgusted. I’m sorry that I doubted you, man," he admitted, because now was the right time to tell Jared why he hadn’t told him before. Thankfully, the grip around his shoulders didn’t loosen.

“No need to be sorry, Jen. You have every right to mistrust people and now I know, it all makes sense. But I’m a little at a loss with my words here, Jen. What happened to you, what this bastard did to you, is so horrible that I can’t even comprehend it. That you had to go through all this, for such a long time, and didn’t find anyone to confide in, it really breaks my heart, Jen. But," and now Jared drew back a little, but just enough to look Jensen in the eyes, "you’re not alone anymore. I’ll help you carry this burden or any other you want me to carry as long as you want me to help you. I’ll stick with you, Jensen, until the good or bitter end." Jared’s eyes turned warm and soft, just like his touch, with a thumb unconsciously brushing over Jensen’s shoulder and neck, up and down, round and round. It was a pleasant touch, one that let very different shivers run through Jensen’s body, settling into his tummy and making him warm and fuzzy inside. "But there is one condition, my friend," Jared added eventually, now sounding more serious again. "Please, never make apologies again for who you are. I’m not sure what kind of man you’d be if this hadn’t happened to you. Who knows, maybe we never would have met, maybe you never would have discovered or even developed this wonderful talent in acting that you have. The only thing I know is, with all your sorrows, fears and doubts, you’re the most special and wonderful person I know and I love you just the way you are. And I promise you, one day, you’ll see it with your own eyes"

With hearing those words and most of all, believing them, warmth spread through Jensen’s veins and he was overpowered with such an intensive feeling of affection that he had never believed to be able to feel for a person, least of all for another man. It made him smile and tear up at the same time, and he didn’t hesitate one second to pull his best friend into a wordless hug. Like so often, a mere "thank you" didn’t do the occasion justice, so Jensen tried his best to put everything he felt, everything he probably could never tell his friend, into this one hug, holding on tight.

When they finally pulled apart, both saw the same emotions in the other’s eyes; one of them couldn’t name those feelings yet and the other was still denying them.

9

The next two weeks were hard. The season finale was very demanding and in addition, both Jared and Jensen had to handle what they had heard and said on this rainy night.

Jared kept his promise. He was just there for his best friend, with an encouraging hand on the older man’s shoulder or a long, tight hug to take a bit of the pain away. In return, Jensen didn’t shut his friend out but trusted him, far more than he had ever expected he would trust someone, sharing his darkest thoughts with him; like that there had been days when Jensen wanted to give up, holding a blade in his hand, ready to cut deep, or a bottle of painkillers to take all the pain and fear away forever.

Jared was shocked, not sure how he could cope and handle this information. He wasn’t a shrink, didn’t have any experiences with suicidal thoughts, and sometimes, it seemed far too huge. Nevertheless, Jared did his best: listening to his friend, offering words of encouragement and opening his arms for Jensen to cry the tears that often shimmered in his eyes. Sometimes, Jensen called himself a wuss for being so weak, but Jared didn’t see it like that. What the man had gone through, not only when he was raped but later, was proof that Jensen was strong and willing to live. All the same, Jared asked Jensen to go and see a professional. At first, Jensen seemed disappointed, even hurt, but the longer he thought about the suggestion, the more Jensen realized that Jared was only reasonable and that he needed professional help in addition to the one his best friend gave him to heal properly.

*****

“Hey, man!" Jensen sounded a little breathless, as if he had left his cell somewhere, running over to it when he had heard it ringing. "What’s up?"

Jared shrugged, even though his friend couldn’t see it. So far, the hiatus had been good, but something had been missing and Jared still couldn’t put a finger on it. "Not much." Jared laughed. "Since Sandy and I returned I've been nothing but lazy, visiting my folks for a few days and meeting some old friends. You?"

“Pretty much the same. Today I went shopping with my sis, bought her some new shoes. You should have seen the way her eyes were glowing, like I bought her the world. It felt awesome." Jensen’s voice was soft and happy and it made Jared smile.

“Oh, I know what you’re talking about and I know that look. I see it whenever I take Sandy to a jeweler’s shop. So, what’s it like to be home, man? Are your folks good, is everything alright?"

“Mmm," Jensen puffed out thoughtfully. "Mostly, it was good." For a few moments, it was silent while Jared could only hear the connection cracking and a door being silently closed.

“I told my parents, Jay," Jensen announced quietly.

Jared didn’t need to ask what Jensen had told his parents. He had been with his friend, talking about exactly this subject more often than not in the past weeks and promising Jensen his support, no matter what he’d decide in the end. “Wow, Jen," Jared exclaimed, not sure what else to reply that didn’t sound too cheesy. But he really was proud of his friend for jumping over his own shadow and finally confiding in his parents.

“It was damn hard, Jay, much harder than it was when I told you, but now, I’m glad I did. You should have seen my parents, Jay," Jensen snorted, but it wasn’t humorous. "My dad, he got redder and redder, cursing like he has never done before. He was furious. And Mom, she was the complete difference; pale like a ghost, silent. She cried for a long, long time and blames herself. For all kind of things; that she wasn’t suspicious, that she let me spend so much time with him, that she allowed me on that "nature walk" and most of all, that she didn’t do anything when I retreated into my shell but thought it was early puberty or something."

Silently, Jared agreed with Mrs Ackles. In a way, she was to blame. Sure, she could probably not have avoided it but as a good mother, she should have noticed her son changing. But she didn’t and let her boy fall into this deep, dark hole where he stayed for twenty years and now only slowly managed to climb out of. But for once, Jared didn’t dare to speak his mind. It was not his way to judge the woman and whatever she had done wrong, she had done enough right, with delivering Jensen in the first place and raising him to be such a fine man. "So um, are you and your parents, are you good?" Jared asked instead, hoping that the Ackles’ didn’t blame their son.

“Generally, I think we are. But sometimes... they look at me real awkwardly, inquiring and worried and Mom, she asks me at least once a day how I am and if I want to talk. I know, she means well because she loves me, but it’s just a little too much and to be honest, a little too late. To tell you the truth, I can’t wait to be back in Vancouver. It will give us much needed space and them time enough to calm down until they have learned to handle it."

"Only two weeks," Jared stated matter-of-factly, secretly already counting the days until he’d see his best friend again. "It’ll pass quicker than you think would be possible."

Jensen mmmed thoughtfully. "There’s something else and I um, I need your advice, Jay."

"Sure man, anytime."

“My parents want me to press charges against him. Not necessarily because of what he did to me, this might already be barred, but because of what he said then about the homicides, if he was telling the truth. What if parents around the States have been missing their kids for years and I could help to solve the case and finally give them peace? But," Jensen took a deep, shaky breath, "if I go to the cops it won’t stay a secret. Sooner or later, it would be in some tabloid and because I’m a celebrity, it would be even worse. People will know, Jay... fans, the crew, simply everyone who knows me," Jensen said desperately. "And I don’t think I could take it, Jay. They’d look at me differently and I just -" Jensen sniffed, not able to put his feelings into words.

Jared felt for his friend, knowing well enough what Jensen was going through now, after having been with him on every step out of that dark hole. He’d have to face exactly what he had always feared to face; pity, people thinking less of him for what had happened, calling him names and losing their respect. It was most unfair because, in the end, Jensen didn’t really have a choice. There was only one right decision to make. “Jen, you know, you’re my best friend and nothing you do will ever change it," Jared started, putting as much affection and determination into his words as possible. "I’ll always support you. And I know, this is so cruel, because you’re probably right; it would be a golden opportunity for the tabloids, a tragic story of a young celebrity and it’d be hard to face. But Jen, if you ask me, and you did... you have to do what’s right here and that’s going to the police and telling them what you know. What if the guy is still alive, still abusing and raping kids? What if you could finally put an end to it? What if you don’t go and much later you find out that he was caught and that he committed more murders between now and then? I know you, Jensen, and I know, as much as you’re hurting, you don’t want to live with that responsibility and most of all, you definitely don’t want other kids to go through the same hell as you did."

For a long time, it was quiet between the two men and Jared could only hear Jensen’s hurt breathing. More than anything, Jared wished he could be with Jensen, could wrap him in his arms, could give him comfort and strength and be with him when he went to tell the cops.

"You’re right, Jay," Jensen agreed eventually. "About everything. I can’t live with this responsibility. I’ve already waited much too long, should have gone to the cops years and years ago. But I was a coward," Jensen spat out. "But now, it’s time to show some guts. I can’t hide forever, Jay."

Jared smiled. His friend had not disappointed him. "That’s my boy," he said affectionately. "It will be okay, Jen. And in case all hell breaks loose, I’ll still be around."

"Yeah, I know you will."

**

Not even 24 hours later, Jensen sent Jared a text: Been 2 the cops. Was hard but survived it. Feeling better now. Thx.

Pride, relief and happiness curved Jared’s lips when he read the message. Jensen had done what was right, climbing a little further out of the dark, deep hole and reaching another milestone in coming to terms with his past.

**

The bastard was still alive, still teaching at a convent school and when the cops raided his room, they found pornographic material on his laptop and photos hidden under a floorboard, among them some of Jensen as a kid. When they interrogated Father Raphael, he confessed his crimes; abusing students for over a quarter of a century, all in all more than two dozen kids, and six homicides.

It was a huge scandal, hitting the newspapers’ headlines nationwide, but Jensen’s name wasn’t mentioned once. There were enough witnesses, victims like Jensen, who had volunteered to testify against the guy in court, which would probably spare Jensen to bear witness himself. Besides, the cops had secured more than enough proof, even clothes of the deceased kids and the mortal remains of two of the murdered kids deeply buried in the ground of the small clearing where Jensen had been raped.

Jensen was more than relieved. Having gone so far, he would have faced it, just to put the guy behind bars, but he was glad that it wasn’t necessary and that his torturer would get his just desserts without any more help from him.

*****

Two weeks later the two actors met again. They still had a weekend off before Season Three started and met at their favorite steakhouse to catch up and to celebrate.

Sipping on his red wine, Jared was looking at his friend openly. Having put on a little weight, with his skin tanned and a sincere smile on his face, Jensen was looking good. Content. Relieved. “You came a long way," Jared stated quietly, his words vibrating with the pride he felt for his friend.

Jensen smiled shyly. "I think I did," he said modestly, "but there’s still a lot to come to terms with. But one thing is for sure, Jay; I wouldn’t have made it without you and there are not enough words to describe how grateful I am. Yet, I need help, much more than you can give me, so I acted on your advice and will go see a shrink as soon as possible. There’s so much to talk about."

Warmth ran through Jared in strong currents as he heard his friend and saw the gratitude in his emerald eyes; not that he had done it for such reasons, but it was a very good feeling to know that he had made the difference for that man, that he had helped. Nevertheless, he was glad that Jensen had decided to seek professional help, even though he’d miss being his best friend’s confidant. "I’ll always be there to listen," Jared offered quietly, hoping that Jensen would not completely withdraw.

“I know, Jay," Jensen said, tentatively reaching out and putting his hand on Jared’s lower arm. "But you’re not Superman, Jay and I just can’t dump all my crap on your shoulders. It’s just not fair. Besides, I need someone who’s not involved like you or my parents are, who looks at me differently, who’s neutral. I just need a professional, Jay."

Jared forced himself to smile, hoping that Jensen didn’t see the hint of melancholy in it. "I’m happy for you, Jen, that you made all those decisions. Just promise me something?"

The older man nodded, looking at his friend earnestly.

"Never stop talking to me. I might not be a shrink and even less I’m Superman," Jared chuckled, "but I’m your friend. I want you to talk to me and I want to share your life, man. I want to be part of it."

"You’re part of it, Jay," Jensen whispered. "And I promise, I’ll never stop talking to you." He squeezed Jared’s arm again before he raised his glass, quietly but solemnly saying a toast. “To you, Jay”.

Jared’s heart overflowed with emotions he couldn’t name, simply because if he could have, it would have confused him far too much. Instead, he smiled those feelings away, like he smiled away so many other things, squeezed Jensen’s hand back and answered, "To us, Jen."

10

The following months passed faster than those few weeks during summer hiatus. It wasn’t only thanks to the demanding scripts and their tight schedules, but also because Jensen was busy when he wasn’t filming. Gone were the days when he had holed himself up in his apartment, spending his evenings with a pizza and some movie. Now, he spent them with his best friend; watching a movie, playing PS2, running lines together. He even stripped off the last of his aloofness and played guitar when Jared was present. Other than him, Jared was everything but a good musician, couldn’t have stayed in tune even if his life had depended on it, but he liked to listen to Jensen playing the guitar and singing, his normally so bouncy self quiet, his face getting a look Jensen could only call enchanted. It made the older man smile whenever he saw it and his heart did weird things he couldn’t name, simply because he had never felt them before, when they shared those hours of togetherness.

Furthermore, Jensen went to see his therapist once or twice a week. Despite his good resolutions in the summer, he had been hesitant, almost scared come his first session, but Marie was a kind, very patient woman and for Jensen, it was easier to talk to a woman about what had happened to him. Now, after the first few weeks, Jensen noticed some progress. He knew, there was still a lot to talk about, things he didn’t even know he was carrying around, things that were always overpowered by his main problem, very intimate things and that he would probably need years of therapy, but it was a start, and a good one for him, even though the sessions exhausted him to the marrow of his bones.

In spite of those sessions though, Jensen remembered his promise and many of the things, new realizations and conclusions, he shared with Jared, too. Not only because he had promised to do so, but simply because it helped and his friend was a good listener who wanted to know how he was holding up and progressing.

*****

Carrying a few beers and some DVDs, Jensen had arrived at Jared’s place a few minutes ago. Actually, the younger man had planned to spend the weekend in LA, but re-shots had to be done in the morning, and like so often with things like that, the morning stretched into the afternoon, until it didn’t make any sense to fly to California for only a short day and a probably even shorter night.

Jared wasn’t too sorry about missing his trip. Sure, he adored his girlfriend and loved spending time with her, but now as the writer’s strike only seemed a matter of time, he was grateful for every day he spent in Vancouver. If there was a break for god knows how long, he’d spend it with his family and his girlfriend anyways, probably not seeing anything of his best friend for weeks and that was a thought that made Jared strangely sad.

"So," Jensen announced, taking a sip of the ice cold beer Jared had just handed him and cuddling into the cushions of the couch, "I’ve brought a huge collection of new action movies, which one do you like to watch?" He scattered half a dozen of brand new DVDs over the couch, pointing at his own preferred choice.

Jared looked at the movies longingly. “Sounds awesome. But I promised my sister to finally watch Moulin Rouge."

“You can’t be serious!" Jensen exclaimed. "You know, I love music, but do you really want to watch a movie where Kidman and McGregor are serenading each other? Besides, it’s a movie for girls, man! You can’t possibly watch it today!" Jensen pouted, looking like Jared’s suggestion had affronted him personally.

Jared sighed, looking a little helpless. “Meg loves it. That’s why she sent it. Weeks ago. Since then, she has asked me at least twice a week if I have watched it yet. And," Jared shrugged, "it might be fun. Don’t you think it’s great to watch how some actors are making idiots of themselves?"

"Like we do every week?" Jensen winked. "Sure, there’s nothing better." The older man formed his face into a thoughtful grimace. "Okay," he agreed eventually, "but when it’s finished, we’re watching one of those babies."

"Sure, dude. So, let’s watch Moulin Rouge."

*

The last lines of the movie were still ringing in Jensen’s ears when Jared switched off the DVD. The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. It had affected him much more than he had ever expected it to be possible and right now, he wasn’t quite sure how to handle these confusing emotions.

“Jen?”

Jensen looked up, directly into his best friend’s worried face. “Mmm?”

“You’re so quiet. Are you okay?"

“Mmm yeah," Jensen lied. How could he tell Jared what was going through his head? He’d never hear the end of it and he really didn’t want to be such a girl.

“Sure?" Jared probed. "You seem so thoughtful.”

“Mmm…”

“Can you say anything else but mmm, man?”

Jensen shrugged, giving in because his friend was so persistent. “I just think about the movie and its message.”

“Oh…” Now it was Jared who was lost for words, who scratched his head, not sure what he could say.

For a while, Jensen was torn, between telling Jared what he was brooding about, confiding one of his last secrets to him or just keeping his mouth shut. It’d be so easy, shrugging it off and putting one of his DVDs in the player. Jensen never had to mention it again. If he told Jared... it would once more make him vulnerable, and maybe, it would be a really awkward conversation. But he knew Jared, knew that his friend cared, that he really wanted to know and that he’d never call him a girl or a wuss or something, even though Jensen definitely was one. "I still haven’t learned it yet, Jay," Jensen confessed quietly. "To love." He couldn’t even look at Jared any longer. "I don’t know what love is."

Jensen’s words took Jared by surprise and they saddened him. How could Jensen not know, not see it and feel it himself? It was a tragedy that tightened Jared’s chest and made him feel helpless. How could you explain something like this, a feeling with so many facets? “Love has many faces, Jen," Jared started, hoping that he would manage to explain how he saw love and help his friend to see it himself. "Family’s love. Friendship’s love. A relationship’s love. And you can love someone for so many reasons and in countless manifestations. Sometimes, love develops, grows stronger and into something else, something more. That’s often how it goes with girls, man. First, you like them, then they become your friend and you love them as such and suddenly, you’re attracted to them. The line between friendship and relationship can be thin and sometimes, you don’t even know when love for a friend ends and being in love begins."

Only once Jared had said it out loud, did he realize that it was true and that his friendship with Jensen was the best example for walking on the edge between friendship and love. Where should he put those confusing feelings for this man? Was it still a friendship, so deep and strong like he’d never experienced it before? Or was he in love with his best friend?

Jared just didn’t know, he couldn’t tell. The only thing Jared knew with adamant certainty was that the guy who was sitting next him, looking at him expectantly, trusting him with all his thoughts and worries, meant everything to him.

“Love is, when you’re sharing your lives, Jensen. That’s what family and friends do. What a girlfriend or a boyfriend does."

Jensen nodded thoughtfully, like he slowly understood. "Mmm," he hummed. "If friendship’s love, what’s it like to be in love?" he asked curiously, having stripped off his earlier aloofness. "What’s the difference? How do I know, Jay? You must know," Jensen claimed, "you’re with Sandy and I bet you had dozens of girlfriends before."

“I hate to ruin that picture you have of me, Jen," Jared laughed, "but I only really dated two other women before Sandy; the other girls were just crushes and certainly not the love of my life.” Nevertheless, Jared pondered about the question, thinking back to when he met Sandy, to that warm and fuzzy feeling in his belly, to how he wanted to be with her every minute of every day. “Being in love means butterflies in your stomach; a warm feeling, every time you see each other and a piece of sadness and loneliness if you don’t. Being in love means that you don’t want to live without the other, that you want to spend the rest of your lives together and want to breathe the same air as them." There was a hint of melancholy in Jared’s voice and he knew it came from the sad but undeniable fact that he had stopped feeling and wanting all those things with his girlfriend a while ago and only now, as Jared talked about it, did he notice it. "Being in love is a feeling of forever in your heart, Jen."

“So, you’re sad and lonely because Sandy isn’t with you?" Jensen asked, just to understand the rough concept of being in love.

“You’re a pretty good replacement, Jen," Jared deadpanned, even though it was the simple truth. “And to be honest, maybe, I don’t miss her as much as I should," Jared admitted quietly.

Jensen frowned, looking a little like Jared had just destroyed the picture of happily ever after he had drawn in his head. "Why, Jay? Aren’t you in love anymore?"

Jared released a long, shaky breath. The conversation was getting more personal, broaching subjects the younger actor had not considered before, simply because he had stifled those thoughts and feelings, not wanting do deal with them. With his other friends, even with his folks, Jared wouldn’t even think about talking about it, would simply brush it away with a funny comment. But with Jensen, it was different. He was his best friend, had put so much faith in him and just deserved the same faith in return. After all they had gone through, there really weren’t any taboos between them. Besides, Jensen was so inexperienced when it came to things like love and relationships and saw things with different eyes.

“Jen, what you need to understand is that love can change and that you don’t always stay in love with your special someone. Of course you still love them, but this feeling of being in love, those butterflies in your stomach, it sometimes dies and there isn’t much you can do to prevent it." As Jared said it, he noticed that this was what happened with him and Sandy. Sure, their long distance relationship didn’t help much, either, but even when they met, it was always the same. Long ago, both of them had stopped talking to each other and had only been together because they were used to it, it was comfortable and the sex was awesome. "Sometimes, relationships can become routine."

“Oh…” Jensen looked kind of confused, even a little sad.

“But that doesn’t mean that a relationship – even if you aren’t that crazy in love anymore – can’t be something wonderful, Jen," Jared added, because it was not only true but he hated to see that gutted look on his best friend’s face. "Every person has so many faces and you can discover something new all the time and get to know your partner again and again." Jared remembered his parents and his mom telling him once in a while that she had learned something new about his dad, some quirk mostly, and with him and Sandy, it was the same. "And things with me and Sandy are a little complicated at the moment, I think. Stagnant."

Jensen put his hand on Jared’s back, rubbing up and down. It was nice, warm and calming and it charmed a little smile onto Jared’s face. “Do you want to talk about it, Jay?" Jensen asked with an inviting tone. The nice thing with his best friend, Jared noticed again, was that Jensen was not one bit curious when it came to things like this. He wanted to know, sure, but not to gossip about them with his buddies, like most of his other friends would, but to help him and to find a way to make him feel better.

"I just noticed that things between Sandy and I haven’t been too good for a while. What I just mentioned is exactly what happened to us. Our relationship became routine. When we see each other, it’s always the same, we don’t do anything together, we don’t talk. Not really, not about important things. What she does is to gossip around and I barely listen, because it’s so boring and shallow. There was a time when I thought that she is the one, Jen, but... it’s long gone." Feeling his eyes getting a little teary, Jared sniffed once. There was no reason to cry because the only thing that would make it better was to change something.

"But you still love her." It was more a question than a statement and Jared nodded in reply.

Of course he loved Sandy. Like he used to love her before he fell in love, like he loved his sister but not as much... No, he really couldn’t go down that road. Sure, he loved Jensen, but he wasn’t gay. Not even bi. Not really, because experiences in high school didn’t count, did they? He shook himself, like he’d shake off that forbidden thought and bluntly changed the subject because there wasn’t much he could say right now, "How about we watch one of your kick ass movies now, Jen?"

**

Like so often, Jensen crashed at Jared’s. He felt comfortable in Jared’s guest room, with the mattress on the big bed being soft and cozy, the linens smelling of lavender and the lamp from the patio casting enough light through the window. Normally, Jensen slept like a baby when he was at Jared’s, but tonight, sleep just didn’t find him.

Staring at the ceiling, Jensen’s mind was too occupied with Jared’s words, his train of thought going from one place to another and his emotions being in an uproar. Jared meant so many things for him, but if Jensen had to describe them all with one word, the other man meant safety. When his best friend wasn’t with him, Jensen’s days were just a little lonelier, emptier and sadder. Even colder, because this warm, fuzzy feeling, whenever Jared touched him, when he heard him laugh or saw him smile wasn’t there and all Jensen did then was counting the days until he’d see Jared again. Could it be love?

**

Jensen wasn’t the only one who was sleepless that night, Jared also tossing and turning in his bed.

Whenever Jared closed his eyes, he saw his face. Emerald eyes, this shy but beautiful smile he had liked from the beginning, freckles, so many that he could never count them, even though he wanted to. He felt his hand on his chest right over his heart, where Jensen had put it earlier when they had said goodnight. It was an intimate gesture, but it felt so good and right, as if Jensen’s hand belonged there. And he thought about all those emotions that threatened to flood Jared whenever he was with his friend, the need to be part of his life and to give him all those things Jensen had missed for such a long time. Could this be love?

11

A bottle of beer in his hand, Jensen was sitting on the old, comfortable sofa in Chris’ living-room, watching the time slowly ticking away and the old year dying with every second. The scent of pizza and booze mixed with that of weed and cigarettes was hanging in the air and while Jensen felt relatively comfortable in the circle of friends Chris had invited, the most important of all was missing.

Jensen had asked Jared and Sandy to spend New Year’s Eve with them, but his friend had promised Sandy months ago to go to New York City for the celebrations and there was no way to backpedal. In spite of Jensen understanding Jared’s choice - especially because he knew that things were shaky between the couple - he had felt strangely empty and even now Jensen wasn’t completely present, with his mind being somewhere else, missing his best friend and wondering what the new year would bring.

The past 365 days had changed Jensen much more than any other year since 1986 and other than then, it were good changes. Step by step, Jensen had not only learned to accept help but also to accept what had happened and who he was. Now, he could finally look into the future with hope, seeing his life as a challenge and not as a punishment. And Jared had done a good deal to take him where he was now, almost at the rim of that deep, dark hole, the sun within his reach.

Smiling, Jensen looked at his watch, thinking about his best friend. Where Jared was, the new year was already born. Jensen grabbed his cell to call his best friend when he heard a very familiar laugh echoing through the hallway. This couldn’t possibly be, could it? No, it was wishful thinking. Yet, hope spread through Jensen, settling in his heart and just when he wanted to get up to get into the matter, Jensen felt a warm, gigantic hand squeezing his shoulder and a very familiar voice whispering “Happy New Year” softly into his ear.

Despite all hope, Jensen’s heart skipped one beat before it beat like a blacksmith hammer against his chest, this feeling of warmth and safety fluttering around like butterflies in his belly. Lost for words, Jensen turned around, looking into Jared’s warm eyes and a deep, dimpled smile.

"Jay..." Jensen was right on stuttering, too overwhelmed with the fact that Jared was here, with him, in LA, on New Year’s Eve, instead of being in New York with his girlfriend, like they had planned. “What about Sandy?"

For a moment, Jared’s face fell, sadness prevailing, but then, the younger man smiled again. "I changed my mind," Jared stated, as if it would explain everything.

“Jay? What happened?" Jensen asked, surprise and worry dominating his voice. "Are you okay? What about Sandy?"

Jared walked around the couch, sitting down next to Jensen, close enough that the older man was encased by Jared’s warmth and the fragrance of his aftershave. It felt like coming home after a long vacation and without really thinking about it, Jensen slid a little closer. “It turned out that we both wanted different things," Jared explained in a hushed voice. "She wanted New York, I wanted LA. She wanted a happily ever after and a golden wedding band and I finally acknowledged that’s not what I want. Not anymore." Jared smiled a small sad and melancholic smile, everything in his features showing sadness, although it had been the right and only decision to make.

Putting his hand on Jared’s arm, Jensen rubbed up and down, the movement calming for both of them. "I’m sorry, Jay. I wish you had found another way."

“Nah, don’t be. You know, Sandy and I, we weren’t good for a while. It was only a matter of time. I just fell out of love. She’s like my sister, Jensen, but not the person I want to get gray and old with. So," he gently bumped his fist into Jensen’s shoulder, "don’t you look sadder than I do, Jen. I’m good. Or at least I will be and this here," he let his glance wander over the room, "is exactly what I need." The dimples were back on full force. "It’s good to be here, Jen."

The warmth he always felt with Jared grew into heat, melting something in Jensen he had not even realized existed. Swallowing heavily, he moved his hand further down Jared’s arm, until eventually, his fingers brushed over his best friend’s, squeezing them gently. "It’s good to have you here, Jay. I still can’t really believe it." Even before Jensen could withdraw his hand, Jared had taken it, squeezing it once and holding it for a little longer. It felt good and right, the way their hands were connected. It felt like love.

Then Jared let go and everything was back to normal. They changed the subject to more mundane things, telling each other what each of them had been up to ever since their ways had parted before Christmas, were laughing and bantering. Deep in conversation, the two actors did not even notice how fast time flew by, until Steve sneaked up. “Hey you two lovebirds," he chuckled, grinning insolently, "Earth to Jared and Jensen. It’s midnight in less than five, so get your lazy asses up and come down with the rest of us. There’s booze." He showed the huge bottle of champagne he was carrying.

Jensen felt heat creep up his cheeks but even before he could say anything in return, Steve was gone with a wink, a wave and a laugh. The room was only dimly lit, but it was enough to see that Jared’s face had turned scarlet, too; the only difference was that his friend wasn’t as flabbergasted as him.

“Crazy guy." Jared laughed though Jensen noticed that it didn’t sound as heartily as usual. “But with one thing Steve’s right. It’s almost midnight. We should better hurry if we want to see the fireworks." Jumping up and grabbing two fresh glasses, Jared led the way, hurrying down the steps, with Jensen following him.

Too lost in their own world and still too blind to see, none of them had noticed, but they had not kept their eyes off each other, had worshiped the other with a look, a touch or a smile, had treated the other like he was the most valuable thing. Sometimes, little things like that said more than a thousand words. And sometimes, a look spoke of love.

Laughing and a little breathless, Jared and Jensen arrived downstairs in the last minute but still early enough for Steve to fill their glasses before the first fireworks exploded in a mixture of sparkling colors against the deep blue sky. Shoulders touching, they stood together, listening to the countdown some people yelled, with their eyes glued to the fireworks. It was Jensen who wanted more, now that he had Jared by his side, and he slipped his arm around his best friend’s back, only seconds before midnight.

“Happy New Year," both yelled simultaneously, clinking their glasses together and smiling at the other before they emptied the exquisite liquid in one thirsty gulp.

Jared took the glass away from his friend, putting it somewhere on the pavement and, a little contented sigh escaping his lips, he wrapped his arms around Jensen. And while the fireworks illuminated the sky, astonishing the other guests, little fireworks of their own burst in Jensen’s belly. He hugged back tight, their bodies one big mass on the dimly lit street, their hearts somersaulting against the other’s chest.

"Thanks," Jensen whispered against his best friend’s ear, "for being there." He smiled, brushing his lips over Jared’s cheek, his freshly shaved skin soft against the sensitive cushion of his lips, the kiss leaving a warm feeling in his heart.

Eventually they pulled apart and they stood together in comfortable, intimate silence, sharing the moment, being close and watching the fireworks together. It felt like love as well.

*****

Standing in front of his open bedroom window, Jensen looked into the ice cold January night, his eyes fixed at sparkling stars on a black blue firmament. Deeply lost in thoughts, he didn’t even feel the cold that seeped through his thin clothes, biting his skin and slowly creeping into his bones. Like so often in the past days, Jensen’s mind was occupied with Jared, his feelings for his best friends and what those feelings meant as he recalled how Jared had explained love not so long ago.

Back then, Jensen had already suspected it but now, after hours and hours of contemplation, he finally knew and accepted it. For Jensen, love had Jared’s face. For Jensen, Jared was his feeling of forever in the heart, the person who made him a better man, who completed him and who he wanted to share his life with. Jared had showed him what friendship was, what trust was and what love was. Thanks to Jared, Jensen had finally learned to love.

Even though Jensen didn’t know whether these feelings were right or wrong, even though the imagination of giving the last piece of himself away and opening up completely scared the shit out of him, Jensen knew he had to do it to finally climb out of this dark hole. He wouldn’t deceive himself and deny his feelings.

His ringing doorbell startled Jensen, bringing him back to the present where his arms were covered with goosebumps and his skin was cold to the touch. Shivering, Jensen pulled away from the window, throwing a glance at his watch. It was way past 11 pm. Who would come by that late in the evening? The actor wrinkled his forehead, wondering if he should even go and look, but peeking through the spyhole wouldn’t hurt.

There wasn’t much to see when Jensen pressed his eye against the little lens but what he saw was enough to cause his heart to tumble excitedly; a broad chest in a warm winter jacket, both very familiar to Jensen since he saw and felt it almost day by day when they weren’t on hiatus.

With shaking hands, Jensen unlocked the door quickly and pulled it open. "Jay!" he exclaimed, the surprise and joy lighting up his face. "Hey! Wow... what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be down in Texas?"

Grinning broadly, Jared stepped into Jensen’s apartment, pulling his friend into a hug, which, like so often, lasted much longer than usual for two best friends who had only met a fortnight ago. "Maybe I should," Jared shrugged, heading over to Jensen’s sofa, "but I didn’t do anything else than meeting old friends and cousins twice removed in the past two weeks and nothing really kept me there any longer. So I left a little earlier."

“And the first thing you do is to appear on my doorstep in the middle of the night, man?"

"Sure," Jared said sincerely. "No better place to be." Jensen’s chest almost exploded with joy. "You don’t mind me coming that late, do you?" the younger man asked, making those puppy eyes.

"No, of course not, Jay. It’s so good to see you, man." Jensen swallowed. "Days aren’t the same when you aren’t around."

"Awww, you’re too sweet." Jared made a kissy face and even though it was all a joke, Jensen felt strangely warm. Maybe, he should tell Jared right away. For two weeks Jensen had done nothing than weighing the pros and cons, picturing both the best and the worst case scenarios. He knew what he wanted to do and today was as good as any other day. The longer Jensen would postpone it, the harder it would be.

He felt the smile on his face freeze as something Jensen could only describe as fear took a hold of him. What... what if Jared would hate him? What if he would call him names, a pervert, a fag, and leave him, never to return? But no. Jensen was sure, Jared wouldn’t do it. For once, his friend was open minded, everything but homophobe. Besides, he knew that man, trusted him. Jared would quite certainly not return his feelings but he would never desert him because of it. "Jay?" he spat out before he could change his mind. Since when had his voice been so weak? "There’s something I need to tell you."

At once, the younger man switched into full protection mode. "What’s wrong, Jen? Did something happen? Is it bad news?" His face had lost a little color, his features now worried.

“This is difficult," Jensen sighed, admitting it more to himself than to his friend. "And, to tell you the truth, I’m a little worried about your reaction." He scratched his neck in this very self-conscious gesture Jared knew far too well. "But again and again, you told me that we can talk about everything and um, we’re the best friends imaginable." Jared’s agreeing nod conjured a little smile upon Jensen’s face and made him feel a little better. "I just think that we should be absolutely honest with each other. There shouldn’t be any secrets between us, Jay."

Jared’s eyes widened. “Jen, you’re scaring me. What’s wrong?" Gently, he put his hand on Jensen’s arm, the little touch shooting heat through Jensen’s veins and he just hoped that from now on, he would not have to do without those little gestures that had become so natural to him.

Jensen released a long, shaky breath, bracing himself once more for what he would say out loud now. He didn’t fool himself, knew, no matter how open-minded his best friend was, it would still change something between them. Something would shift, in both their lives, depending on Jared’s reaction, would lead to looking at each other differently. And if it went awry, it would change many other people’s lives, too. It was all or nothing. Love or friendship. In the worst case it was hate and his life breaking to pieces once again, and him falling back into this deep, dark hole. Jensen was sure, if that happened, he would be too far gone to climb out again. There was no way he could face a life without Jared in it, a life where, even worse, Jared despised him. Despite being aware all those things and risks, Jensen now had to put all his eggs in one basket. He didn’t want to lie anymore. For twenty-one years he had kept things in the darkness, bottling up his feelings and thoughts and making his life miserable. It was time to finally stand up for himself.

Moistening his lips, Jensen took one deep breath, looking at Jared openly. “Remember when you told me about love? About all those things love is?" Jared nodded, but Jensen didn’t really acknowledge it. "I think I found them, Jay. Someone who means all those things that love is." Jensen felt himself blush at those words but even if it was a little sappy, he had to say it. "Someone who means home and safety to me, someone who makes me laugh and smile, but who also helps me to see myself with different eyes. Someone who changed me so much that I can barely believe that I’m still the same guy I was three years ago."

Jared drew in a sharp breath. First, he had looked at Jensen with curiosity, a slight, questioning frown wrinkling his forehead but now, Jared’s eyes were widened, speaking of surprise, amazement and comprehension. “Jen?” he croaked out.

For a few heartbeats, Jensen just looked at his friend, preparing himself for what he was about to say, Jared his calm anchor, although all this excitement was about him. “It’s you, Jay. You’re the one who means love to me," Jensen confessed quietly. "I know I’m risking what we have, Jay, our friendship, our jobs, both our future. I’m sorry for being so egoistic, burdening you with that knowledge. But I have to be honest and just can’t keep it a secret. Not anymore. Not after everything I’ve learned in the past." Jensen released a shaky breath. He had said it and now that it was done, he felt both better and worse than before. Relieved and scared.

Silent seconds stretched on and on and with every passing one Jensen’s heart got heavier and the fear of losing his best friend threatened to choke him more and more with every heartbeat. The longer this silence grew, the more certain he was that Jared would jump up from the couch in the next moment, abusing him, calling him a fag and turning away from him with disgust.

But nothing happened, except the silence becoming unbearable. When Jensen was sure his life would fall into pieces, warm fingers ghosted over his face, soft and gentle, cupping his cheek in the end. With tiny movements, Jared’s thumb brushed over his skin, the other hand threading their fingers together.

"Do you remember what I once told you?" Jared asked, his fingers strongly wrapped around Jensen’s own, grounding him. "I told you to never be sorry for who you are and what you feel. And today, I tell you the same. Be proud of who you are, Jen. Don’t be sorry for it."

Jensen felt the warmth spreading through his body slowly chasing the fear away. “So you’re not shocked? Repulsed? Disgusted?" he asked, just to be sure. This was too good to be true.

The younger man looked a little hurt. “Of course not. Why should I? Why should I when what you just told me means so much to you and me. My best friend in the world has feelings for me that run far deeper than before. It’s sweet and very flattering, but not disgusting. You finally learned to love and showed so much courage in telling me. It’s a reason to celebrate, but none to be repulsed. Besides," Jared’s little pout shifted into a conspiratorial smile, "I’d be crazy to be mad at you since I feel exactly the same way about you, Jen."

Before Jensen could say anything, before he could even comprehend what Jared had just confessed, Jared drew him closer until they shared their warmth and their breath mingled. Gently, a feather soft fingertip caressed over Jensen’s lips, moving up and down his cheek, connecting his freckles with invisible patterns. It was unbelievably intimate and sensual, with waves of warmth and joy rushing through Jensen’s body, and when he thought it couldn’t get any better, Jared leaned closer to kiss him.

First, it was nothing other than a chaste kiss, lips against lips, soft and warm, alien but still so familiar because, in a way, that touch completed Jensen. Gently, the tip of Jared’s tongue prodded against his lips, asking for entry, and with a soft moan, Jensen granted it gladly. Careful but curious, accompanied with blissful sighs and moans, Jared moved forward, poking and tasting, exploring and licking Jensen’s mouth and with every little inch Jared mapped, fireworks exploded in Jensen’s belly.

Jared didn’t seem to mind that Jensen was an inexperienced kisser, did actually enjoy to have the upper hand, to lead and please his best friend, the little puffs and sighs he breathed out enough proof that Jared was in heaven, too.

Eventually, both men ran out of oxygen, and, breathing heavily, Jared pressed his forehead against Jensen’s, his arms now wrapped around his torso. Tears of joy stinging in Jensen’s eyes, he closed them, smiled the annoying liquid away, not wanting to cry when his heart was bursting as he realized that he was finally back into the light, that he had finally made it. The darkness of the past would always be a part of Jensen but now, as he was with Jared, as he had found his happily ever after, there was no need to hide anymore and finally, he felt the face he had worn for over two decades disappear.

Finally, Jensen had found love and peace. It made him the happiest he had ever been.

Closing his eyes, Jensen let the feeling wash over him and locked it in his heart.

12

In the past, Jared had never been a patient man, but with meeting Jensen, he had learned. Patiently, he had waited for that first real hug, had not rushed into finding out his best friend’s secret but had collected the little pieces Jensen had involuntarily fed him with until eventually, more by chance than by trust, Jensen had confided in him.

Even when Jared had realized that his feelings for Jensen ran so much deeper than those of friendship, he had bid his time. He had dumped Sandy and went to celebrate the New Year with Jensen and when they had hugged, when Jensen had given him that sweet, little kiss, he had suspected that the feelings were mutual, Steve’s blunt comment another hint. But Jared had not done anything, not wanting to freak Jensen out. They had been nothing but very close friends when they finally went back to Chris’ apartment, had talked, drank and laughed together, and when they had gone separate ways at the break of dawn, they had said goodbye, hugging longer and closer than appropriate, but nothing else. Instead of crowding his friend, Jared had gone back to Texas, but every day without Jensen stretched into unbearable lengths and seemed dull, no matter how bright the sun shone. And while he was ready to wait until Jensen was ready to come to terms with his feelings, Jared was at least not ready to waste more time in Texas with his family and friends when he could be in Vancouver with the man he loved. And then, the waiting came to an end, unexpectedly, how it was so often, but with so much joy that the thought alone still filled Jared’s heart with warmth.

That had been five months ago and ever since, Jared had been patient again. He had waited for their first date and for the "yes" as an answer to his prompt to move in, only coming after three long, nerve-wrecking days. And with a never known sympathy, Jared had waited for Jensen to be ready for any intimate actions beyond kissing. Jared knew, it had never been about Jensen not trusting him, but about Jensen fighting his inner demons and those horrible memories.

Bit by bit, that had happened, too. He still remembered the first time Jensen had stepped out of the bathroom, nothing but thick billows of steam enveloping it. Jared had stared at the masterpiece a naked Jensen was and when Jensen had joined him in bed, Jared had made a lot of time for admiring the pale, freckled skin, for worshiping his gorgeous boyfriend from head to toe. It had taken all his discipline to treat Jensen’s most intimate parts like everything else, the urge to caress those heavy balls and the impressive cock overwhelming, but like so often, Jared had been patient.

He had showed Jensen that he was desirable but nevertheless, Jared had been careful, almost tentative, with everything that came after that evening. Slowly, they had developed the sexual part of their relationship, with touches only becoming more demanding and greedy after countless days, with a hesitant, almost shy hand job growing into a blow job after weeks.

Now, Jared was still waiting, for that last, that final step, for becoming one with Jensen. Not having much experience with men, it even scared Jared to a certain degree, but more than that, he was curious, of what it would be like, being inside Jensen and feeling his better half inside him. Jensen though, Jared was sure of it, was horrified because no matter how many therapy sessions he went to, no matter how much Jared loved him, it would always remind Jensen of the cruel rape. While Jared could only guess how torn his boyfriend was, he understood; he didn’t push, didn’t seduce Jensen, swallowing his disappointment down when their long sessions of making out didn’t turn into more. It didn’t matter what he wanted, maybe even needed. It only mattered that Jensen was content and comfortable, only giving what he was ready to give.

And until Jensen was ready, Jared would be patient.

**

Worriedly, Jared was looking at the alarm clock that was standing on his nightstand. Over one hour ago, Jensen had left the house to walk the dogs and still, he hadn’t returned. Normally, Jared would not exactly be alarmed, but the whole day, Jensen had been a little odd, more distracted and unusually monosyllabic, not really talking to Jared, and not knowing what was going on unsettled the younger man.

Maybe something had happened? Jared's anxiety grew, the reasonable part fighting with his inner mother hen, the latter winning when Jared grabbed his cell to call his boyfriend. But even before he had short dialed Jensen’s number, he heard a key unlocking the front door, eight paws skidding over the tiled floor and happy, satisfied woofs echoing through the house when they saw the bowls Jared had refilled before he had gone upstairs. He heard Jensen’s hushed voice talking to their babies and only now, as he definitely had the proof that Jensen was back, did Jared feel relief wash over him, chasing the last remains of his worries away.

Some more minutes passed and then, finally, he heard his boyfriend’s steps, climbing the stairs and, moments later, the door being opened. As Jared looked up, Jensen was standing in the door frame, face slightly reddened by the chilly night air, hair a little tousled, a shy smile on his lips. The sight made Jared’s heart jump and his lips parted to smile.

"Hey," Jensen said, stepping further into the room and closing the door behind him, so that their nosy dogs would not disturb them. After they had once stormed in while Jared was sucking Jensen, the men had learned their lesson.

"Hey. You okay?" Jared just had to ask, to be sure that Jensen was good.

Jensen nodded. "Yeah. I’m good." Giving Jared one last smile, he stepped into the en-suite bathroom, closing the door behind him.

Sometimes, when Jensen didn’t do it, Jared took it as an invitation for a joint shower, but whenever his boyfriend closed the door, he respected Jensen’s privacy. So he pretended to read his book while listening to the sounds that seeped through the thin wall; the flush of the toilet, his boyfriend brushing his teeth, the water thundering down the shower for only a few minutes, the sound of the hairdryer for even less time.

Eventually, the door opened, Jensen finally emerging, his face even more reddened now his skin had had a date with hot water. Wearing nothing but boxers, his bowed legs more prominent that way, his torso slightly tanned thanks to some weekends in the sun, the man looked simply scrumptious. This time, it was not only Jared’s heart that somersaulted, but his cock that stirred, too, interested whenever Jensen showed skin and what a good-looking, attractive man he was.

Putting his novel away, Jared moistened his lips. "Hey gorgeous," he whispered, the look he got in return amused, scolding and satisfied at once.

"Hey yourself." Jensen crawled beneath the covers, scooting over to where Jared was lying and putting his warm hand on his chest.

Sighing contently, Jared rolled over a little, just enough so that he could sneak his arm around his boyfriend. For a while, they just stayed like this, snuggled against each other, breathing in unison, Jared feeling the rise and fall of Jensen’s lungs under his palm, the older man’s breath caressing his chest. It was nice, sharing this togetherness, harmless, but still so intimate, time for themselves, where there was no need to hide their feelings. At times like this, with Jensen caressing him that gently, with them being so safe in each other’s arms, Jared knew, every day he waited was worth it.

"Jay?"

"Mmm?"

"I know it’s not always easy with me," Jensen admitted quietly. "Thank you for being so patient."

It was creepy. Could Jensen maybe read his thoughts? Or was Jared so obvious, torn between his lust and the wish and need to make it right and not scare his loved one away? "You’re worth it, Jen," Jared answered, pressing a little kiss on his boyfriend’s head and feeling Jensen smile against the skin of his chest.

Comfortable silence settled between the two lovers, with Jared combing his free hand through Jensen’s scented, soft hair, with Jensen sighing happily once in a while, his thumb drawing invisible big and small circles into Jared’s skin, adorning them with tiny little kisses here and there.

"I think," Jensen breathed out eventually, "you’ve waited long enough, Jay."

Jared had heard his boyfriend just well but it took him a while to really comprehend. Had Jensen really said that? Did he actually mean it? Was the time of waiting finally over? His eyes widened in pleasant surprise and he tightened his grip around Jensen’s waist. "Jen? Are you sure?"

The older man nodded yes. "Truth is, Jay, no matter how long we wait, it will always make me face what had happened. I can’t escape, even if I wait another decade. I admit, it scares me, but I know, you’re not him. Everything about you is different. The way you look and smile at me, Jay, the way you touch me."

"No," Jared promised, "I’m not like him. Not at all." He’d worship every inch of his boyfriend, would take all his time to prepare Jensen, would penetrate him carefully, not roughly. "I’ll take good care of you, hon."

"I know you will," Jensen said, his eyes shining with trust.

Not needing any further prompting, Jared leaned even closer, brushing his lips over Jensen’s face, kissing his forehead, eyelids and nose, and wandering over cheekbones to nibble at his earlobes. Finally, his lips found their way back to where they really belonged, glued against his boyfriend’s, soft, warm flesh crashing together hungrily. Jared’s hands were running uncoordinated up and down Jensen’s back, their tongues danced in the rhythm of their moans and sighs, exploring the other’s mouth, gums and teeth like they had never felt them before. Only when Jared was sated with the taste of his special someone, did he release Jensen’s lips, filling his lungs with much needed air.

Then, he brushed his lips over Jensen’s body, eager to show Jensen how much he loved and adored him. Taking his time, Jared sprinkled his boyfriend’s chest with countless little kisses, feeling the slight move of Jensen’s chest beneath his lips and hearing the rapid beat of his heart. He paid the place where it lived special attention, putting his ear against it, listening to it for a while and kissing the skin.

Sighing contentedly, Jensen brushed his fingers through Jared’s hair, massaging his scalp and neck.

Eventually, Jared moved on, further south, down Jensen’s sternum, until he met his boyfriend’s belly button, where he poked the tip of his tongue in and out while his hands fondled over Jensen’s side, feeling his rib cage move beneath his palms. Nibbling here and kissing there, Jared finally reached his goal, a dark nest of pubic hair and a proud, half-hard cock. Gently, he trailed his index finger over the long vein, eliciting a pleading moan and an incomprehensible plea from his better half. Laughing salaciously, Jared kept on caressing Jensen’s member for a while but eventually, his fingers moved on, passing balls, big as potatoes on his way to his final goal.

For a moment, Jared paused, looking at his boyfriend, making sure he was okay. Jensen was breathing heavily and there was perspiration glistening on his forehead, his expression a little tense, but there was no panic in his green eyes, only trust.

"I’ll take care of you," Jared promised again, kissing Jensen’s abs, his free hand feeling blindly for the closest drawer, pulling out the lube they had gotten weeks ago. "Trust me, Jen."

The hand that had been running up and down Jared’s back stopped in its movement, gripping his skin. "I do," Jensen claimed, not even a hint of doubt in his voice.

It was the last proof Jared had been waiting for and hurriedly, he opened the lube, dipping his fingers into the substance. "It’ll be so special, Jen," Jared whispered, while his finger moved back to where it came from, circling around Jensen’s puckered hole. "I’ll make it real nice for you."

With every circle Jared drew, he came closer until eventually, he brushed his fingers over it. Jensen took in a sharp breath, but other than that, he remained calm, though his grip around Jared’s shoulder tightened a little. "It’s okay, Jen. I won’t hurt you."

"I know," Jensen acknowledged though he couldn’t repress another sharp intake of breath when Jared finally entered Jensen’s entrance with the tip of his index finger. It was unbelievable, the feeling to finally be inside his boyfriend, be it only with a bit of his finger. It was warm and tight, slick and a little slimy and carefully, Jared wriggled his finger forward, with Jensen’s breath quickening and his whimpers changing. They weren’t pitiful or painful, like so many years ago, but pleasant, and it made Jared smile. "You like it?" he asked, pushing into the soft flesh tenderly.

"Ahum," Jensen exhaled, taking in a sharp breath when Jared had finally found the spot he had been looking for. "Holy shit," Jensen hissed. "Whatever it was, do it again," he begged.

Laughing, Jared did exactly this, stroking his finger gently over the bundle of nerves, heat running through his veins when he heard the sounds he elicited from his boyfriend, those moans and sighs and whimpers, accompanied by a plea once in a while. Only when he had pushed as far as possible, did Jared draw back, missing the warmth around his finger at once. Taking it back as soon as possible, he granted the feeling to his middle finger, too, widening Jensen’s entrance for what was to come next. This time, it was much tighter but Jensen bore up against the pain, not batting an eyelash, the only proof that it was a little uncomfortable his rapid breathing.

"You’re doing great, Jen," Jared praised him gently as he retreated after massaging Jensen’s entrance even more, kissing his tummy once again. "Not long now. Do you want to help me to prepare?" He pointed at the lube, wanting nothing more than Jensen covering his cock with the substance.

Jensen smiled in return, taking the little jar and dipping two fingers into it. They shared a kiss, hard and quick, and then Jared watched with wide blown eyes how his boyfriend handled him deftly. Remembering how clumsy and awkward Jensen had been in the beginning, it made him proud to see how Jensen was doing it now, like it was the most normal thing in the world, holding another man’s cock in his hand, stroking it rock-hard.

Waves of pleasure ran through Jared with every movement, his heat rising and the blood bumping through his veins. Far too soon, Jensen was done, crashing his lips against Jared again and sucking all breath out of him, almost desperate, as if it would help him to brace himself for what was to come now, something he looked forward and dreaded at the same time. Jared returned the kiss, hungry and frantic, but after a while, he let go, concentrating on his main goal.

"Ready, Jen?" he asked, positioning himself like he had seen it in the stupid gay porn videos he had watched.

"As ready as I can be," the older man admitted, wrapping his legs around Jared’s waist, and allowing Jared to slide real close.

First, Jared penetrated his boyfriend with his fingers again, just to make sure that he was prepared enough, but as soon as the fingers were gone, he pressed the tip of his achingly hard cock against the tight ring of muscle that would hopefully hold so much joy for both of them. Looking his special someone deeply in the eyes, Jared pushed carefully, feeling how the hole opened for him and slowly but surely encased the head of his cock with warmth and an unbelievable good tightness. It was so different than having sex with a girl and a shudder of pure zest let his body vibrate as he steadily moved forward, his own gasps mingling with Jensen’s whimpers.

Even though fireworks exploded in his belly, even though Jared wanted nothing else than to be buried deeply into his boyfriend, he took his time, moving forward painfully slow for both of them and keeping his eyes glued to Jensen, just to be sure that what he was feeling good and that those feelings kept the upper hand. It seemed to work; the memories seemed like they had ended in smoke and while Jensen flinched once in a while, it was not in fear.

"Shit," Jensen whimpered, but it sounded ecstatic, not hurting and with the sound still ringing in Jared’s ear, he was finally buried completely inside his boyfriend, his body so tight and hot and arousing around him.

One, two, three heartbeats, he stayed where he was, but then, he moved back and forth again, only in slight, tiny movements, Jensen’s quickening groans setting the pace. Eventually, Jared couldn’t even tell how long he lasted, he felt his hips jerk and, with a tremor running down his body, he came, shooting his sperm into his boyfriend until he was utterly spent.

With regret, missing the feeling to be a part of Jensen even before it was gone, Jared drew back, comforting himself at once with helping Jensen to get off. Having closed his eyes, Jensen looked blissful and relaxed, the fear now gone, his face a beautiful shade of red, the drops of sweat delicious.

It was a very satisfying feeling when his come splashed onto Jared’s chest and even better when Jensen’s tongue came into action to lick it clean. Ever since Jensen had started this after their first few hand jobs, Jared couldn’t hide his grin and today was no exception. Who would have thought that shy Jensen would strip off all his shyness, would enjoy the taste of his own cum on his tongue, would grunt and moan deeply while he was doing his job deliberately and thoroughly?

Only when the last splash was gone, did Jensen let go, licking his own lips invitingly, Jared at once catching them in the attempt to lick the last remains of his boyfriend’s cum away from Jensen’s gums. Wrapped around each other, they kissed, first hard and hungry, more feral, but then, the kiss shifted into something softer, sweeter, their way to thank the other for what they had just shared.

After long minutes, Jared let go, looking at his boyfriend whose eyes were wide open now, the light in them matching the light Jensen’s smile had brought to his face. Pure happiness, like Jared had seen it sometimes in the past months.

**

Gently, Jensen wiped the warm, moist washcloth over Jared’s torso, removing his own, sticky spit and just caressing the skin stretched over the wonderfully sculptured form of his special someone. He loved it almost as much as licking his own cum off Jared because he loved how Jared’s eyes were closed and the sweet, little puffs that escaped his slightly opened lips at every soft movement. It was a harmless, caring gesture, yet intimate and today, he took all the time he needed, rubbing Jared’s skin dry with a soft small towel to give them both some more moments like this.

When it was done, when towel and washcloth had joined their boxers on the floor, Jensen crawled as close to Jared as he could. Warm, strong arms wrapped around him, tugging him impossibly closer, their skin now glued together like they were one.

Jensen closed his eyes, caressing Jared with his lips and fingers absently and letting himself be washed away by all those wonderful emotions he felt. He had been scared, but Jared had been so great, so careful, so loving, worshiping him and making this first time something very special. Now, Jensen had something else to remember, and, while the rape would always be a dark spot in his life, all the love Jared had showered him with was so much brighter and stronger. He really had arrived on the bright side of life, light surrounding him and shining inside him.

"You know, Jay, they were right in Moulin Rouge," Jensen whispered after long minutes of comfortable, shared silence.

"Mmm?" Jared sighed questioningly, caressing Jensen’s skin and letting his toes run up and down his boyfriend’s calf.

"The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."

"It is," Jared agreed, pressing his lips against Jensen’s forehead. "But you know what’s even greater?"

Jensen shook his head, looking at his better half curiously. He couldn’t imagine anything better than loving Jared and be loved by him.

"To love you and to be loved by you, Jen. It’s the greatest thing of all."

Jensen’s heart jumped and warmth filled him from head to toe, knowing that Jared felt the same way as him. There was no need to say those three words but he felt them stronger than ever before and with a so far unknown happiness, he melted against his boyfriend and glided into sleep and into a future where he would be loved every day and could love back.

The End