Archive of Our Own

It takes time, it always takes time.

Things like healing, are like a long, slow journey and they aren’t quite at the finish line yet.

Frank always says it takes time to heal but time per se isn’t a healer. And Eddie decided it’s true: time isn’t a healer, quite the opposite. If you leave it long enough, time won’t eventually wear down your problems and heal you, it’s just a myth. But although time isn’t a healer, it’s a factor in the process. It’s the change, specifically the time for change, that helps you heal, and not the mere tick-tock of the clock that mends your heart.

It’s weird when they start to talk more about it. It’s all Buck’s doing, not to be that there is any wonder, he just pops the question one morning, and the next thing Eddie knows is that, after his brain stops functioning for a full minute, they start to talk. Like real talk. All feelings and words. The whole package.

Maybe Eddie should have seen it coming: they already talked about those months, about what happened during Buck’s sleep - they settled to call it that because it’s simpler, it doesn’t have that heavy meaning that the word coma has, not that the meaning is lost, if you change the name, to paraphrase Shakespeare. They talked about those months, yes, but about what happened, like events, some weird call, what did they do for Chris’s birthday something like that. But nothing like this.

It’s both easy and weird.

Because Buck’s always been good with expressing his feelings, but never that good at dealing with them, or literally whatever you do with them, in the first place, and Eddie, well… he was raised the way he was raised, and decided that things like feelings were something you can’t talk about, something annoying like a pebble in the shoe, that bothers you until you get it out and walk better, finally free, literally moving on with your life.

It’s been a rough week, a rough month, to be honest. Buck finally home has helped Eddie’s fucked-up sleeping cycle, yes, but the nightmares and the lingering feeling of panic is always there ‘round the corner, even if he tries so hard to ignore it. So, after a pretty terrible shift, a definitely excruciating day, the breath-crushing nightmare heavy on his chest is the obvious consequence of everything. Buck spends the majority of the night watching him, with the most loving eyes Eddie has ever seen, not saying a word, just trying to lull him back to sleep, fingers soft on his skin, silent kisses on his face.

It’s in the morning that Buck pops the question, and Eddie’s brain short-circuits for a moment.  “What if I accompany you to Frank’s next time?”.

And it’s simple, direct yet not that direct, but it sounds so nonchalant that leaves Eddie speechless. So he stares at Buck for a minute before resetting his systems and to fully functioning again. It takes a bit because his mouth just went all dry, as if his salivary glands had decided to be out of business for good, and words got stuck in the back of his throat.

“I mean, I won’t enter with you, but I’ll drive you there and when we get back, I can snuggle with you” he jests, tilting his head and smirking fondly. “I know therapy is something private, and you need all the possible space from the thing that is making you have this… rough time... but I can give you a reward… like in a token economy environment, so you can go there and have all the good things from that”.

Eddie watches him pensive, trying his best not to read too much into this. But that’s hard, ignoring that big elephant hoovering in the room. “You think you are the reason I have nightmares?”.

“No… well, what happened to me clearly is the thing that makes you feel like shit, so… I just can try and kiss it better, alright? Just I… I just…” Buck bawls, munching on his words, like he is trying to stop his stupid tongue.

“You aren’t the reason I have nightmares” Eddie sighs and now tries his best again, to stretch a knowing grin on his face. This beautiful, stupid man. “Just say you want to make out”.

“I always want to make out, Eddie, that’s not even the point here…” Buck rolls his eyes, snorting “I mean, it’s a mutually beneficial agreement: you go to therapy, talk your things out with Frank and then I fuck your brains out,” Buck shrugs, smiling, the tension in his shoulder seems to disappear for a moment. “Just… talk about it, okay? I want to support you as best as I can, I know I can’t… I’ll just take you to Frank’s sit in that cute café across his office, while I study for my fire inspector exam and wait for your session to finish… drink a good espresso, not that terrible high sugary thing Chim likes, and maybe eat a bear claw…” he offers, and it’s like he is stretching his hand to accompany Eddie in whatever this journey is. “I don’t want to pressure you into talking about it with me, but know that I’m here, and I always will”.  

“I don’t need to talk about it, it will be over now that you are here” Eddie vouches.

“I know you think that’s the case, Eddie” Buck says softly. “But if you never let it out, this is going to eat you at some point. And I should say an innuendo like ‘I’m the only one who can eat you’, but… that sounds weird and… I don’t know… kinda cannibalistic, maybe?”.

And Eddie groans, and does that thing with his eyebrows and pursed lips, the one expression that Buck can’t resist.

“Okay, I know, I─I… look, I’m not saying you need therapy, I’m saying you need to talk about this thing, you already go to Frank’s so, you should probably talk about this thing with him. And clearly you don’t want to talk about it with me so…” he sighs in frustration and Eddie is about to tell him that that’s not true, that what he means is that he doesn’t need anything else than Buck, but this beautiful, stupid man continues his steam of consciousness. “Just find someone to talk to. Maybe Frank isn’t the right choice, knowing you, but he can give you tools to face this thing… but you can talk to Cap’ or… Hen? Carla, Athena, Chim or Karen? Or maybe one of your sisters… we have a lot of people around us to help…” he shrugs lifting his eyes and looking over at something on the white wall that seems so very interesting now. “For what that I know you can even talk to that Nate, the substitute, or… well the cute girl at that coffee shop two blocks away” he adds.

Eddie opens his mouth to protest, but he doesn’t have time, because Buck sighs in frustration again.

“Whoever fits it if it’s not me, right?” and it sounds like vitriol, his voice, boiling for only a mere second with something that’s a mixture of anger and contempt but then he shrugs like he doesn’t want that thing on his shoulders.

“That’s not true” Eddie laments, his voice low that almost sounds like a whisper. And Buck moves his eyes and looks at him with that adorable, confused expression. “That’s not true” Eddie repeats a bit louder. “I want to talk to you: because you make me feel good, and you know me, it’s easy with you… talking I mean, but… I don’t even know where to start,”.

Buck moves a step forward and cups his cheek, blowing a kiss on his forehead. “At some point we’ll need to talk about it, Eddie. When you are ready, I’ll wait, hell… you waited for me for six months, I can wait a bit. I just want to help you, okay?” he mutters.

“But you don’t need my problems. You already have a lot on your shoulders right now” Eddie sucks in a harsh breath, moving away.  

“We are in a relationship, Eddie” Buck points out, stepping back, jamming his hands in his back-pockets. “We literally have to take care of each other. And your problems are mine. I asked you to marry me, you already went there, already done that… so you know, for better for worse, that’s it.” he says softly, with a fond smile on his lips. “That’s my commitment to you, my effort. Let me lift a bit of that weight on your shoulders for you, okay? I’m strong enough, I’ll be sure not to strain myself, I’m sure my pericardium can take a bit of emotional conversation”.

“That’s not…” he starts to say, and there’s a lot to say, like that the one who needs help right now, with his life changing, without the job he loved so much, with a serious, major health condition, with months of coma hoovering in the nearest possible past, certainly isn’t him. And it’s Buck who right now needs to be helped, he doesn’t need his problems to multiply, over and over again, unpacking, unfolding over and over, he doesn’t need more issues, worries and well, shit, on his platter. But all that comes out of Eddie’s mouth is a hushed, confused and stammered “I─you… you don’t need to fix me”.

“I know. There’s nothing to be fixed,” Buck replies simply, trust, love and fondness in his eyes, in his voice. “And I’ll love you either way, if you talk about it or not, I just want you to know that I’m here, and I’m not planning to leave anytime soon” he finally says before moving back to the kitchen to start with their lunch.

Eddie stays there for a full minute or, well, let’s be honest, maybe five. Still like a statue of salt. But it feels like standing in quicksand, in mud, in something that sticks to you and pulls you further and further down.

And for a second his heart skips a bit, swelling painfully in his chest. It looks like he’s already walked down this road. It’s the same pattern he and Shannon already lived, when their situation was turning to worse, they didn’t have the back of each other, they didn’t stand in each other’s corner, even if they tried. But then their resolve was to run away from talking and that’s it, that’s where it started. Maybe even before Chris was born, they stopped communicating, talking and listening, they heard each other’s word but didn’t listen. And that’s something Eddie can’t let happen again.

And that’s when it happens, because awareness strikes at the most unexpected moments, something you’d call epiphany. Basically, the gear clicks in the right place and he moves again. And he decides that this is where it starts.

He pads into the kitchen, while Buck is all busy on their lunch, something quick and light, a lot of veggies and a weird-tasting soggy bread that Buck insists Eddie doesn’t have to eat, he isn’t on a very strict diet, but he wants to help, to be of support in his own way so, soggy bread can’t be that bad.

Eddie steps behind him, circling his waist with both his arms and huffs softly when he bumps his face in Buck’s shoulder.

“Urgh, I’m not going to set the kitchen on fire, I’m gonna be a fire ‘n’ arson inspector, I can’t do that, Edmundo.” Buck snickers softly, patting one of Eddie’s hand with a spatula.  

Eddie says something under his breath, the words come out all muffled on Buck’s shirt. And it’s something that clearly the other man, that beautiful gentle man, can’t hear even if he is so close, so impossibly close.

“Uhm?” Buck hums, moving his head a bit, so he can hear him better.

“I said I want to talk” he blurts loud enough for Buck to hear. “But I don’t want to make you worry…”.

Buck stays still for a moment, and by the time Eddie’s brain is starting to wonder if their roles are reversed by now, he sighs softly and speaks again, and it sounds like an invitation. “Oh, okay?”.

“So please, don’t read too much in it, I’m not angry at you, I won’t ever be angry at you for the things you did that day or the things you said it’s just… it hurt okay? It still hurts.” he asserts with all the due concern.

Buck moves to turn off the stove, all entangled in Eddie’s hug.

For some reason beyond Eddie’s knowledge everyone can read him as much as he can’t read himself, maybe it’s something he needs to work on. And Buck perfectly knows that Eddie isn’t going to move his arms away anytime soon and well, maybe, just maybe Eddie doesn’t want to look Buck in the face, but that’s a whole other story.

And they stay there. Two grown-ass men, hugging in front of a dull stovetop. Until Buck snorts, and pats again Eddie’s arm, with his hand this time.

“Wanna go sit on the couch?” he asks. “I’ll make sure not to look at you if that’s the problem”.

Eddie groans and grudgingly moves back, to let Buck guide him in the living room, their fingers interlaced and tiny little steps, as if Buck fears to let him go.

It takes Eddie three long, deep sighs and a mantra spelled over and over in his head, to start. Buck is there, his head on Eddie’s shoulder, one hand on his thigh.

“I’m not good with this” that’s the first thing he says.

Buck doesn’t say a thing, he just shuffles a bit, enough to tighten his arm around Eddie’s stomach. But then he laughs softly. “You asked me out on an ambulance, while high on painkillers”.

And Eddie knows what Buck is doing, helping out, always selfless. And all his worries fade for a moment. “You make it sound lame” he says, with a lopsided grin.

“It was lame Eddie, but it was perfect at the same time.” he murmurs, and Eddie can say he is satisfied with his answer and shifts closer, if possible, to Buck who continues to talk with such a soft voice that makes Eddie’s heart throb. “I know you are bad at voicing your feelings. But you are good with them, you make it more than clear, with everything you do, trust me”.

Eddie closes his eyes sighing.

“How can I help you?” Buck asks. “It’s okay if you don’t find the words, but you can… I don’t know, go with the flow? You can literally tell me whatever you want, Eddie, I know you aren’t upset with me, as I know this thing is hard, okay?”.

Eddie nods trying to swallow past a lump in his throat, that’s still there when he opens his mouth again. His abuelo always said something along the lines of ‘if you don’t know where to start, start from the middle’, so there he goes. From the middle. “Anger. That’s all I felt, for so long. I was so very angry…” he croaks, and then he’d better hasten to add that, no, he wasn’t mad at him. “Not at you. Never at you… but, still I wanted to hit things”.

Buck sighs. “That’s very caveman of you” he snorts, trying to make it easier for Eddie.

Eddie rolls his eyes, rubbing the back of his hand against his chin repeatedly. The words, the right words, are so hard to find. He never thought he’d have to talk about this again. “I was angry at us, every one of us. Who couldn’t do a fucking right thing, who couldn’t help you, who weren’t enough. At Maddie for giving up on you, at Bobby for not taking the situation in hand, and not coming in to help… at myself, for…” he shakes his head. “I talked about this with Frank when I re-started to feel that… that urgency to hit things. I didn’t hit a thing but… I wanted it so bad. I wanted to be in control again, but…”.

“You did good” Buck says softly, moving his head just enough to look at Eddie’s face. “You are so good”.

“I don’t think” Eddie barks, and his words linger bitter on his tongue. “I was fading away. I was taking Christopher down with me, in my whirlpool of shit, and grief and…”.

“Eddie, trust me, you did good. Chris knew you were hurting, he was too. You were grieving. Anger it’s more than normal in the process… there’s a model of that, so… trust me it’s normal” he insists. “We all know what grief does to people. What grief does to you. You don’t need to be in control, for something you can’t literally control. It’s out of your hands and…” he shifts in his sit, and breaths a heavy wet sigh. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there to help”.

“You had a lot on your plate at that moment…” Eddie decrees, trying to sound the most suave and gentle as he can, but his words are sour in his mouth. “And you were there, only you couldn’t talk to me. I played in my mind full conversations with you… I hoped you’d wake up so many times, I imagined us all grey and still a little bit in love, but that hurt too…”.

He can hear Buck swallowing hard, but he doesn’t say a thing. He just moves then, and gets up from the couch to sit on the coffee table, to look Eddie in the eyes, but he remains silent.

Eddie lowers his gaze. “The majority of times I just came to the hospital and sat there, with your hand in mine. I played with your fingers, I kissed every knot and… I just waited for the moment when something could take you away. I was helpless and angry and…” he confides, and then stops hanging his head. “I couldn’t help you… I couldn’t find the words… sometimes the doctors needed to explain over and over again what would happen to you, when you underwent every single surgery, Maddie explained everything to me, again and again, but the words didn’t stuck on me…” Eddie sighs. “I just felt… dumb”.

“I’m sure you mean numb.” Buck retorts, his eyes dark and a pensive expression curling on his face.

Eddie shakes his head. “No, I mean dumb. Like…”.

“You don’t get to belittle my fiancé” Buck chides in.

“I wasn’t your fiancé, back then” Eddie says with a humourless snort.

“Oh, you were, you just didn’t know” Buck replies giving a half shrug.

Eddie shakes his head again. “I was angry” he adds. “And numb, and helpless. When you said all those things while you were trapped, I…” Eddie stops and groans, and he does that thing with his hands the thing his dad does too when he’s angry, a big harsh gesture, that seems to be a bit too rough, so he decides to cross his arms over his chest in the end. “I couldn’t really… I couldn’t tell you how much you were wrong. I couldn’t find the words… I was dumb, maybe numb but also so fucking stupid and…”.

“I know, I knew that I was wrong, Eddie” Buck replies softly, exhaling a sharp breath. “But…”.

“You don’t get to but about it, Evan” he roars, tensions spreading to his whole body, “You said it didn’t matter it was you trapped in that inferno, that we shouldn’t enter, that we shouldn’t help you. You bid your farewells from us, Evan. You said that… that you weren’t worth it. You literally said you weren’t worth it” Eddie growls, anger spilling everywhere in his body. All in all, it’s a good thing he chose to cross his arms or he’d be all pointing and gesturing, maybe clenching his fists. “You believed it, you believed that we were more important than you, because we have a family to go back to, you said that, like it was normal for us to leave you there… like it was the better option. Like you didn’t have Maddie to come home to, or your niece or… or… me and Chris, like we aren’t your family”.

And that strikes, he knows it strikes because Buck does that thing with his face when he tries his best to not react, eyes wide and clenched jaw, his lips twirl for a second but nothing that resembles a grimace. And it stings in Eddie’s throat too, saying those things out loud.

“Eddie I…” Buck manages to say, but then stops, and closes his eyes for a moment to take in a long, shaky and wet breath. “That’s not the point. I know I have you, I knew I had you and Chris, and Maddie and… everyone else. But…”.

“You had to show off, you thought it was the better option” Eddie groans.

“It was a better option,” Buck murmurs, his voice calm, almost plain, like his face now. “It was the best option actually,” he says louder, as if to make it truer. “Let’s face it, if you entered there, Chris may have lost the both of us. If you all entered that hell, none of us would have come out. And every single one of you would have left their family. I could picture you and every one of you dying in there, and that wouldn’t have been of any help, really”.

“That’s stupid, we’d find a way out” Eddie grunts. “We shouldn’t have let you have it your way”.

“It wasn’t me having it my way Eddie, it’s protocol, you know the drill” Buck murmurs, monotone.

“I don’t like the drill” he replies. “I wanted to enter, everyone wanted to help you.”

“But you couldn’t, that’s the whole point: there wasn’t an entryway, there were only debris and smoke, you couldn’t reach me” Buck debates, softly.

“But if we found a way in, we’d find a way out. That’s how it works, we don’t leave people behind, okay? We are a family” Eddie lectures him.

“I know that” he says.

“So why?” Eddie asks. “You just threw in the towel, bid your farewells and we were left off, not able to enter and to help you. We’d find a way in if you let us, we’d find a way in and a way out…”.  

“That wasn’t something for me to decide, Eddie. It’s protocol, I was hurt, I hit my head, I was bleeding and trapped and I didn’t have a way out…” Buck elaborates matter-of-factly with a flat voice, but before Eddie can rant back, he continues “Okay, maybe we’d find it, but not everyone of us would have come out… so I’d be the reason of someone’s death? Yeah, thank you that’s literally how I want to live my life…”.

“Yeah, because I want to live my life without you” Eddie hisses, furious, but Buck, in front of him, doesn’t even flinch a bit. “That’s not a matter of what you want, Evan.” he adds massaging the back of his neck, lowering his eyes and trying his best to regain his composure. “Like I didn’t get a saying in what you were doing. I don’t want to live without you but you… You just decided to bid your farewells and were about to leave us collecting the pieces”.

It feels unreal for a moment, it feels again as if he is alone, in the quicksand, immobile in the mud, in the well, water raising and raising around him. And he is about to take back every single word, if that could help Buck. But that man, that beautiful, gentle, kind-hearted man, just huffs a soft, shaky, wet sigh.

And Eddie, who is still considering how to flee this conversation, moves his gaze to peek at him and Buck looks at him with wide, watery eyes, his lips twitch for a mere second again but then he stretches out a small smile.

“You were leaving us. You were leaving me.” Eddie continues, without even noticing at first how harsh and raw his words are. “You are so stupid sometimes…”.

“Okay,” Buck scoffs, a raw, humourless sound while he curls his nose and manages the tiniest of his smiles. “Maybe you are a bit angry at me”.

“That’s… That’s beyond the point here. We are talking about…” he snaps, but then he stops.

“I bid my farewells Eddie, you are right.” Buck interrupts him, his shoulders stiffening for a moment, but then he breathes out and all the tension seems to leave him. “And it was the hardest thing I had to do. But I had to be fine with it because me, being the only casualty, the only one to die there was the only acceptable risk. I bid my farewells because I was scared, I was… hurt, bleeding, and I was about to give up,” he admits, his eyes seem darker now, still beautiful, but darker, sadder. “You are right, I was about to give up. My tank was blearing red at some point, I hit my head pretty hard, a puncturing wound that continued to bleed in my chest, and I thought… yeah, that’s it, I’m dying and... and I wanted you to know that I’ve been happy with you, that you and Chris were the best thing that ever happened to me, that I felt happy with you all, that I felt loved. That I wasn’t scared, but… shit I was. I didn’t want to die,” he says, and looks at Eddie, with a tender, yet almost resigned smile.

“Buck…” Eddie tries to say.

“I felt all your love. I needed you to at least know that, and that I loved you all. That I couldn’t have been luckier, or happier or… more loved? Okay? I…I am happy with you, you make me the happiest, I mean. I didn’t want to hurt you, I wanted to give you hope.” he concurs, his voice brittle and his eyes red and watery. “I just wanted that”.

“Hope?” Eddie replies. “I don’t need hope, I need you”.

“That’s so cute of you…” he coos softly, a fond smile on his lips, he doesn’t look on the verge of crying now. “And you have me.”

“Now” Eddie notes.

Buck threads a hand through his hair and huffs a small laugh. “Yes, you have me now. And for as long as you want me to stay”.

“But I was about to lose you,” he adds, his voice croaking at the edges.

“I know, I’m sorry,” Buck utters, moving forward to take Eddie’s hand in his, and strokes the back of it with his thumb.

Eddie looks at him, maybe on his face someone who knows him as Buck does, would read disbelief and hurt, or maybe he just looks bewildered. It takes him a moment to get his shit together once again. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to yell at you. I’m not angry at you… I’m just…”.

“Hurt.” Buck says, completing his sentence. “I know Eddie, but you know what kept me alive under there? The fact that I couldn’t leave you, not like that. And when that fucking house went all crumbling down and I finally found a way out, you were like the light leading me. I moved without thinking, I almost thought it was some kind of dream when your body collided with mine… like I was falling again on the ground, gravity doing its work or whatever… I didn’t even…” Buck sighs softly, shakes his head. “I wanted you to know that you are it for me, that was my farewell. But hell, Eddie, I wanted more”.

“More?” Eddie repeats.

And Buck looks at him, with that fond gaze and goofy smile. “Obviously more. I wanted to grow old with you too, I wanted to travel with you, share adventure or just simply stay here in your adorable house with our adorable son and watch him grow into the perfect young man I know he will be”.

Eddie takes in a shaky, tiny sigh. His face warm and something pitching his diaphragm down.

Buck moves forward to cup his face with both his hands. “I’m sorry Eddie” he says firmly, eyes wide and soft. “I just wanted you to be safe and to know how easy and… marvellous is falling in love with you, loving you,” he adds. “I don’t need a MRI to know that your brain lights up just like mine when you are with me. And you say a lot of things with your body, with your stupidly adorable eyes, without saying a word really. I don’t need words, I don’t really need anything else then you and Chris, and the family we chose”.

Eddie tries to swallow past the lump in his throat. “I’m not good with words”.

“And that’s not true. Look at us, all grown up and talking our shit out?” Buck hums moving closer to kiss the top of Eddie’s forehead.

“It’s hard” he murmurs, bending in, slouching his forehead on Buck’s shoulder.

“I know it is” he says. “But we will be alright, we are going to be alright, and grow all old and grey together if you are in for the long run”.

Eddie sighs, and maybe, but he won’t admit it, his heart trembles in his ribcage. “I couldn’t help you. I just… waited for the moment you…” he then, manages to say, shrugs and nuzzles his face under Buck’s neck. “I was just… blocked, broken… I just…”.

He hears Buck’s heart skipping a beat. “Hey, let me look at your face, because I want to say something important, so I need you to look at me, alright?”.

Eddie moves, enough to look Buck in the eyes.

“You were hurting. You might still be hurting” he concedes, resting his forehead against Eddie’s. “But you helped me, trust me. You were there, I felt you, I heard you. And… Eddie you fought for me”.

Eddie moves back, and looks at him, ready to protest. “I didn’t do anything. You did everything by yourself”.

And Buck just smiles at him and it’s like an invitation. “No, that’s not true. You gave me time, Eddie. The thing I needed the most back then”.

“You did everything by yourself” he repeats slouching back against the couch. “You walked out of that inferno all alone, you woke up all alone… I didn’t do anything. We didn’t help… we just… waited. That’s all we did” he argues, covering his face with an arm. “We didn’t do anything we just… we just given up on you”.

“Eddie, hey” Buck murmurs softly. He is impossibly closer now, that he shifted closer, pointing his good knee into the couch cushion, so that he can engulf Eddie in one of his full-body hugs. He kisses the top of Eddie’s head then. “But trust me,” he assures and kisses him again. “You helped. I know you did. You fought for me. Maddie told me”.

“She told you?” Eddie asks, grabbing Buck shirt, tugging at him, like he is some kind of anchor.

“That you fought for me.” Buck elaborates, shifting closer and sitting, now like before, when they first started this awkward talk.

“But…” he tries to comment.

“No buts. You fought for me. Even if you were so broken and hurt and… angry you fought for me.” Buck hushes him. “Eddie, you fought for me. It’s not true that you couldn’t do anything, you were there for me, you talked to me, with that sweet low voice of yours. You kept me there, with your hand clutching mine” Buck says, smiling. “You kept me alive. And sure, Maddie was right, I didn’t have a living will, and I wouldn’t want to live like that on life support forever.” he says, but before Eddie can protest, saying anything. “Not only for my sake, but because I know what living around someone who was in my condition does to people… I wouldn’t want you to slowly fade away, wither with me…” he explains. “But I woke, and now I’m here and not going anywhere”.

“But… your life changed, and… you loved your job and I… God, I was so… relieved when you said you couldn’t be a firefighter anymore…” he admits, and he grimaces. He waits for Buck to yell at him, to just bleed his anger out on him.

But Buck only kisses the top of his head, ruffling his hair with his fingertips. “Well, I can’t blame you” he agrees. “I’ve done pretty stupid things Eddie, you know me, and I almost broke your heart… and maybe if it was the other way ‘round I’d be the one who’d be relieved...”.

“It’s awful.” Eddie simply says.

“I know, but… I came to the conclusion that a job is just a job, even if you are good at it, even if you like it as much, it doesn’t define you or what’s around you... As much as I loved being a firefighter, and as much as I love being on the field with you and the others, I don’t really need to be a firefighter to have you in my life. That’s what I finally concluded. And I mean everyone of you, you’ll always be my family. Something that old me couldn’t even fathom” he explains.

Eddie looks at him, and he hopes that he could conceive with his eyes the love and fondness he has for this beautiful man. He could say something that sounds like a joke, something along the lines of “coma made you wiser”, but he just moves closer, anchoring the both of them in that moment. Maybe this conversation he wanted to avoid was something the both of them needed. Something that Hen could call “cathartic”. 

“Don’t get me wrong, my life changed, yes, I have a health condition now that doesn’t allow me to do some of the things I liked but this means that I can find something that I like, aside of, you know, still having mind-blowing sex with you, now that I have a almost-clean bill of health and all… change doesn’t always mean that something went wrong. Change means I can take the panoramic route and walk alongside you and Chris at your pace,” he adds.

Eddie can feel his eyes widen, can practically pinpoint the moment he feels that tiny smile tugging at his lips, spreading to his cheeks and his whole face. If he entered a MRI now, maybe his brain would look like the sky on the fourth of July, all fireworks and stars.

“You are the one for me, Eddie. You are the place I want to come home to, the person I want to grow old with.” Buck says. “And I mean, if all this didn’t happen, if all those months were just a terrible nightmare, I’d still be here, in for the long run… but… I wanted to talk about all this because I want you to know that you couldn’t have done better in this whole mess, you have to give yourself a bit of credit”.

Eddie snorts a humourless, guttural sound. “Well, I didn’t do that good, really”.

“That’s not for you to judge,” Buck murmurs, burrowing in his side to hug his middle. “We aren’t always the best judges of our actions, but… trust me, you did good”. 

“How can you say that?” Eddie muses, and he’s almost caught off guard, honestly, because his voice sounds thick and brittle at the edges. He coughs to regain his composure, as if he really needs to be stoic, to prove a point. “I was always angry, and… tired and… I wanted to quit, and move back to Texas. The day you woke up I was about… I just…” he doesn’t know how to put it, really, words sting in his throat and he shrugs, clenching the fabric of Buck’s shirt in his hand.

“I know, but that doesn’t make you a terrible person.” Buck confides, his lips smack a soft kiss right above Eddie’s ear. “Neither being angry, nor wanting to let me go… you were just doing what was the best for yourself, Eddie…”.

“But… why aren’t you mad at me?” Eddie asks.

“I’m mad about you, prepositions make a big difference” Buck chuckles softly. “Don’t be so hard on yourself”.

“But… you were mad at Maddie… I’m not that different from her, that day, after Chris and I bid our goodbyes to you, we’d let you go…” Eddie replies.

Buck blows a soft silly kiss on his cheek. “I wasn’t even that mad at her, I just asked her to go away that day because I didn’t want to hurt her with my words…” he murmurs. “I told you: I know what happens when you have to take care of someone in the condition I was… I wouldn’t blame you, I wouldn’t be mad at any of you”.

“You are too good for this world” Eddie says softly.

Buck snorts rolling his eyes. “And you are clearly biased” he chimes.

“You know me, I’m very objective” Eddie deadpans. “And my point still stands, you are literally here, helping me out, not worrying about yourself… your health…”.

“Oh well, it’s just because I love you, it’s a matter of priorities” Buck claims simply, easily, smiling and then he moves to sit up from the couch. “Speaking of priorities, we have to eat something, I’ll finish preparing launch, and go get Chris from school, mh?”.

Eddie nods. Just a small movement of his head. And watches Buck stretching his leg and his back before disappearing into the kitchen.

He looks at his hands. At that thin metal band that shimmers at his finger. He can feel another tiny smile tugging at his lips, spreading across his face, fuelling his whole body. He knows why Buck wanted to talk. Now it’s clear, it was something cathartic, Hen would say, and she’d be right.

He pads back to the kitchen too and hugs Buck again, just like before their talk. The only difference now is that somehow Buck was waiting for him, so he doesn’t even do the tiniest, surprised yelp. Instead, he just leans in, his back against Eddie’s chest, and hums in contentment.

“Thank you” it’s all Eddie says, tightening his grip on the other man’s side.

“For what?” Buck asks rhetorically and just continues. “Loving you is the easiest thing I’ve ever done,”.

“Ah, yes, for that… that’s exactly what I’d be thankful for” Eddie snorts, breathing in Buck, his face all slouched on his shoulder.

“Better write it down for our next year’s Thanksgiving dinner, then…” Buck cajoles “Or! Or… I have a marvellous idea! You can write it down on the magnetic whiteboard on the fridge so that everyone can see how thankful you are” he avows laughing. “Like last time you helped Chris with his project from school and you had glitter in your hair for a week after that…”.

“You said I looked cute” Eddie snorts, rolling his eyes in the more unceremonious way.

Buck hums, amused. “You did look cute, and all glittery… who knew you’d be so hot all sparkling like that…”.

“I mean thank you for doing all this.” he says in his most serious tone, but he hastens to add “and before you think that I’m thankful of you cooking, and avoiding me to get food-poisoned, which by the way I’m grateful for.” Eddie babbles. “I meant talking… I needed it”.

“I needed it too” Buck admits. “Not only because I needed you to know that I’m here and not planning to leave, that I don’t blame you, and I’m perfectly good with… this. Us, living together, my health… everything,” he does one of his wide gestures when he doesn’t find the right word, one that can include everything he is saying in only one label. “But I, we needed to… acknowledge pain”.

“What do you mean?” Eddie mumbles, tilting his head and furrowing his brow.

“Suffering isn’t something we can avoid, Eddie, I think it’s something functional, physiological, even… suffering, pain, make the moments we are happy, joyful, worthier. Like we earned those moments.” Buck murmurs simply, all easy words and soft voice. “The awareness of our pain is our opportunity to let the light in and to be the better version of ourselves... pain will last as long as we ignore it, but when we are able to move on from that, accepting it, we will get better. It needs time, we don’t suffer by accident, but it takes bravery, it takes effort, time, to -be able to move on from our pain, and with that we can get better at some point”.

“And you wanted this for you and me,” Eddie notes, his lips curling against the fabric of Buck’s shirt.

“This and to let you sleep better. I want you to know that there will always be times when it’s a struggle to feel joy, but maybe together we can let the light enter.” he continues. “Because you, Christopher, our family, this house… you are the place where light enters”.

Eddie gulps and takes in a deep breath. He tries to ignore how hard those words hit him and pulled at the strings of his heart. He closes his eyes then, to savour the moment. What did he do to be this lucky? What did he do to have this marvellous man in his arms? He was this close to lose him, to lose Buck, and that only thought make his heart drop in the pit of his stomach.

“Did I break you? I thought I could break you only in bed, turns out I can do it even with our clothes on!” Buck chuckles.  

“I love you” it’s all that Eddie manages to say.

“Oh, how cute, thank you. I’ll write it on the whiteboard too, you know for next year's Thanksgiving” he gushes, all pleased with himself for the remark.

“Ah shut up!” Eddie brags, nibling at Buck’s neck, while moving his hands to tickle his sides.

Buck jolts and blurts out a laugh trying, not that hard, to be honest, to disentangle himself from Eddie’s grasp. “Stop it, Eddie please! I’m cooking, I can’t set the kitchen on fire!”.

Eddie lets him “Oh, but I can set you on fire,” he hums.

“It’s that an innuendo, firefighter Diaz?” Buck chuckles.

“What can I say? I’m a simple man, you promised me mind-blowing sex and all the cuddles if I talked my issues out, and now, you know it’s time to claim my prize” he groans against Buck’s skin.

“This is because you don’t want to eat veggies and soggy bread, right?” the man says softly.

“Or maybe I just want to make out…” Eddie shrugs, loosening up his grip on Buck. “How did you call it? A mutually beneficial agreement? And we should really make the best of your almost-clean bill of health…”.

Buck just shuts off the stove again and rolls in Eddie’s arms. “Well, I am a man of my word, I should show my commitment,” he hums, with a soft grin on his face, leaning in and kissing Eddie gently. Then he takes his hand and strolls, walking backwards to their bedroom. “A promise is a promise” he says shrugging. “Who knew that I should have bribed you with cuddles and sex from the beginning to let you talk your shit out”.

Eddie huffs a small laugh. “It’s been so long”.

“And you laughed at me when I said I was super horny after I woke up from the coma…” Buck retorts, looking behind his back just so he doesn’t walk into the wall or something.

Eddie rolls his eyes. And steps closer, catching the hem of Buck’s shirt between his fingers, to guide him back against his chest. “Also… it’s for science’s sake… this can be the cheesy science you like so much”.

And Buck leans in, enough to kiss him again. “I’m a genius, this is the kind of positive reinforcement that people need”, he mutters against his mouth.

“Urgh” Eddie groans in response. “We aren’t talking about science facts now” he blurts, and he’d better move fast and take Buck’s shirt off.

Buck lips get closer and his heart decides to skip a beat.

This is something Eddie won’t ever get tired of. If he was a more romantic type, someone who could indulge in cheesy big fat dreamy things, recite poems and profess eternal love and things like that, he’d say that maybe every single time they were this close, time stops.

Time stops, when their lips meet, when his heart pounds louder and faster in his chest, when his knees get weaker.

It’s something addicting, something that invades every little part of him.

Maybe Eddie wanted to stop time, at their very first kiss, conceal that moment, protect it forever. But then came other kind of things. And if time stopped, right then and there, as they stood in front of that tiny restaurant, on their first date, they wouldn’t be at this point now.

Living together, healing together, growing old together.

Buck smiles at him, and kisses him again, open-mouthed, soft lips. And when he moves back, slowly, just enough so he can open their bedroom door, Eddie leans closer, stretching, curving his body, leaning closer in the desperate attempt to continue that kissing process.

There’s this urgency, this thing that hums under his skin, that maybe throbs like an hymn into Buck’s chest.

He can’t get enough of him. And really. It’s been a long time, since they clicked in the right place with each other like this. They still have their morning routine, the tiny pecks on their cheeks, foreheads. Their silent way to say goodbye, good work, stay safe. That moment in the morning, when he can’t open his eyes, too sleepy, and between one kiss and the other, mumbling incoherently, that he doesn’t want to wake up. Those are the things he missed the most, the little routine things. But that talk, their talk was very much needed to get off that weight on their shoulders, and start to heal.

Buck walks backwards to their bed, and when he knees against the mattress, he sags on the bed and takes Eddie along with him. Eddie stretches out again to kiss him while Buck fingers draw gentle caresses, little circles on the small of his back.

And then it’s like fire, that spreads and devours the both of them.

Buck rolls on top of him, and though his weight is mostly on his elbows and forearms planted on either side of Eddie’s head, he’s pinned down, a little breathless underneath his bulk. And Eddie wouldn’t want it otherwise.

He can’t get enough of Buck. Who only hesitates a second before moving back up and finally shedding his clothes and helping Eddie up to take his Henley and his stupid jeans off too. When he is finally free, clothes rolled up and thrown somewhere in the room, Buck inches forward, tipping Eddies chin just a smidgen to slid the nib of his tongue between his lips. Wild, fierce and breathless.

And Eddie wants it all. The whole package. He can’t get enough of him.

Eddie protests softly when Bucks pulls away, just mere inches apart: he arches in his height around Eddie so that he doesn’t leave that much of a space between them as he moves one arm clumsily to reach for the drawer. Eddie moves closer, stretching forward enough so he can resume this kissing process. And it’s fierce now, he nibbles on Buck’s lower lip until he kisses him back.

“So needy” it’s something Buck whispers against his mouth.

And Eddie doesn’t say a thing, he just smiles and breathes in to savor the moment.

His skin is sensitive everywhere. He feels everything. The pressure of Buck’s hand that push his legs open, Buck’s breath soft on his neck, just before he kisses him, tonguing then, and sucking gently.

Eddie arches up, trying to brush their cocks together like an invitation.

Buck huffs a small groan. “Gentle” he says.

And Eddie rolls his eyes, restraining a small whine. He knows that neither of them will last long today. There’s so much to relieve, time to regain, pent-up emotions and so on. But Eddie has to get it all, every single thing. But on the other hand, his cock just aches to be touched. He tries again, arching his back up.

“Ooof!” Buck hums, moving to kiss him again. Light, feathery pecks that barely touch his mouth, tongue brushing at the angles until Eddie parts his lips in invitation, drawing Buck in. He can’t resist, when Buck deepens the kiss, and even if he wants more, he just leans in all his resolve to rush things disappears again, their lips skewing with urgency and heat.

Buck slips a hand between them, his fingers finding Eddie’s cock and caressing it lightly, gently. He smiles against Eddie’s parted lips when he heaves a surprised moan. Breaking the kiss again, he slides his lips along Eddie’s jaw until he finds his earlobe, nipping and sucking the soft skin.

Eddie tries to move again, this time, to grasp Buck’s cock, but the man pats his hand away.

“Nope, this is for you now” it’s all he says.

And Eddie protests with a guttural sound that makes Buck chuckle.

“It’s alright” Buck adds. “Just let me take care of you, relax.” he murmurs moving from Eddie’s lips, leaving a thread of pecks on his whole body.

Eddie shivers in response every single time Buck lips part from his skin, the tender movements of his fingers stroking slowly make his heart flutter.

Buck’s free hand grazes along Eddie’s thighs, back to his buttocks, a well-arranged caress, invites Eddie to spread them apart, while he squeezes his eyes shut. He doesn’t have to wonder what’s going to happen, but he gasps nonetheless when Buck licks along his cleft, circling around the puckered flesh.

Eddie crosses his arms over his face, trying his best to remain in control, not whimper, nor moan. But this, god, it’s incredible. He pants, wriggling against the heat pooling in his chest and rising to his face, his nails lodging in his forearm, as Buck kissed, licked, sucked softly his hole.

Buck’s other hand moves from his cock, closing around Eddie’s balls, rolling around his palm, massaging and stroking them, his thumb making soft circular caresses on Eddie’s perineum again and again.

Eddie’s hips jerked forward. Reaching down, he tries to take his cock in one hand, but Buck slaps him away. A loud, guttural moan escapes raw from his throat, that delicious warmth against his hole retreats and if Eddie wasn’t already lying down, his knees would be buckling now.

He moves away his arms just to find Buck looking at him with a fond, reassuring grin on his face, his breath light and fast against Eddie’s skin.

Then he moves again, to get the lube, and he hears him muttering something, and only a moment later he feels cool, slick liquid being massaged into his heated flesh, a blunt finger slip into him deep, thrusting and turning him slowly, with attention, care.

A second finger joins the first, curling and sliding and oh, God, move, criss-cross, going back and forth again and again.

Eddie gasps again, mewling, he nuzzles his mouth in the crook of his elbow, while moving forward in the slow thrust of Buck’s fingers. Begging silently, wordlessly for more, faster, harder. More. More.

Buck says something and moves enough so he can hoover over Eddie, but his fingers still working their magic. The hand that was stroking gently Eddie’s balls move to push away Eddie’s arm from his face.

“I want to hear you” Buck murmurs, and bends forward to kiss the center of Eddie’s chest while his fingers crook, and move, and hit that spot that makes Eddie’s mind go all blank.

He pushes against Buck’s hand trying to increase the pace.

“You are so needy and stubborn” Buck sniggers, sliding his fingers away and ripping a protesting groan from Eddie’s throat.

Buck slides in again with three fingers now. And Eddie shivers and a tiny sob escapes his lips. Buck moves then to lick his shaft, the touch of his lips on the sensitive skin sends sparks up and down his spine.

Eddie moans when Buck withdraws his fingers, and he mutters something, something very close to “Finally” when he feels something hard and blunt press against his entrance. And that makes Buck chuckle again, before sliding in, pushing gently, slow, careful.

Eddie gasps, a guttural, raw sound scratches his throat and he is about to move again to cover his mouth when Buck arches forward, and takes both his hands in his. His eyes glimmering with arousal and love. “Hey, you good?”.

Eddie nods, breath short and eyes closed. And he hears Buck hum pleased, before he blows a tiny kiss at the corner of Eddie’s mouth.

Buck moves slowly, pushing inch by inch, his thumbs caressing the back of Eddie’s hands. He groans once he is fully inside him and Eddie clenches around his length.

Eddie gasps, still trying to acclimate to that fullness in him. He moves slowly, pushing further feeling Buck’s cock move slightly, slipping over the lubrication, and with his move he earns a soft moan from Buck.

“Ah fuck,” Buck babbles, his voice strained and raw.

Eddie arches his back, in a clear invitation for him to move. And Buck moves a hand and lets it slide between them, to wrap it around Eddie’s aching cock, stroking it roughly now.

And Eddie’s brain short-circuits for a second. He can’t think of anything, he wouldn’t even try, all caught in the pleasure of that hot, expert palm moving up and down his length, and then Buck moves again, thrusting into him, and Eddie just can’t think at all.

There is only that feeling now, that friction. Buck’s cock, rubbing against his prostate with every stroke, the heat of Buck’s hand wrapped around his shaft. Eddie’s own movements, as he rocks into each thrust before pushing back and forward into Buck’s hand.

Buck thrusts faster, harder, this time, his cock smooth and warm, he rubs his thumb against Eddie’s glans, strokes gently his length, mouthing soft, gentle words against his skin.

And it’s overwhelming, so much that the moan that scrapes his throat is so raw and low that it sounds almost something that comes from somewhere else, somewhere outside of his body.

Oh God, he knew from the start that this wouldn’t last that long, and he is about to cum.

Buck slows down, he shifts in his position and moves his lips from Eddie’s mouth into the crook of his neck, to kiss him again and again on the pulse of his jugular.

Eddie groans, arches his back, launches his hips ahead so that Buck strikes again, pushing back and forth two painfully slow and long thrusts.

Eddie howls, his free hand grasping the blanket, jerking forward with all his body, as he cums, sticky and warm and fuck, so good.

Buck releases his cock and his hand in order to grip Eddie’s waist, gentle, as he thrusts harder, faster, his breath harsh, hot, fast, broken against Eddie’s neck. He slams into Eddie one, two, three, four times, his nails digging into his skin, before he cums with a low cry, dropping his whole weight on Eddie.

They lay there, breathing heavily for several moments before Buck withdraws from Eddie but doesn’t move, all wrapped around him, still mouthing soft, gentle kisses on his skin.

And Eddie heaves a satisfied, happy sigh.

He can’t have enough of this, of Buck. He is tired and sore, but doesn’t care. He doesn’t want to sleep, he knows he needs his rest, but he wants more. He wants the ache. More and more again. He couldn’t have enough of this, of him even before, but now it’s some kind of urgency, of need. All that time wasted, all that time gone, he needs it back one way or another.

He wants the ache. Buck in him, his weight on top of him, to grip him in further and further, again and again. To watch his face that exact brief seconds before the climax, because he does something wonderful, he looks even more handsome for that brief instant, and that’s something he can’t even describe or put into simple words.

Buck shifts in his position, just enough so he can look at Eddie's face. “God, you are gorgeous when you cum,” he murmurs, voice deep, moving to mouth a soft peck at the corner of his lips, while he forks his fingers through Eddie’s hair. “But we really can’t do that…”.

“What?” Eddie groans, voice hoarse and raspy.

Buck rolls on his side, half-spooning him, lacing a leg to Eddie’s one, an arm around his waist. He continues to enchain a thread of kisses on Eddie’s skin, from his jaw to his forehead and down to his neck again. Humming softly against him. “As much as I’d love to do it again and again, like another round, we can’t” Buck clarifies, pointing his elbow in the mattress so he can sustain his weight and look at him, while moving his hand in soothing circles on Eddie’s stomach.

Eddie rolls his eyes. He may have said something aloud.

“Don’t do your doe eyes and sulky face…” Buck murmurs and leans in to kiss away that pout from his face. “One of us really needs to go get Chris from school at some point today… and you really need to rest,”.

Eddie takes his hand and guides it to his mouth. He pecks Buck’s fingertips, knuckles, palm, and rolls on his side too, to face him. “Stay here a bit longer” he murmurs.

Buck nods and smiles, that adorable, fond smile, before cupping Eddie’s face with that very hand, leaning in again and kiss him wet and deep, fierce, breath-taking. And when he pulls apart, it takes Eddie a moment to open his eyes. “Oh, wow, I needed this” he admits, a couple of minutes later.

And Eddie nods, something that stings in his eyes, heat pooling in his chest. He needed this too, to feel alive, in the now. Happy and satisfied. To remember that they are going to be alright at some point. And knowing that Buck needed this too, an urgency that echoes his own.

Buck hums something against his temple, his hand throbbing against Eddie’s side, making him move nearer, burrowing closer and closer in his space, in his warmth.

“I needed this too” he manages to say, eyes closing.

He hears Buck say something else, but he is tired, and sore, and even if he still aches for more, he is starting to fall asleep, consciousness slipping through his fingers.

When Eddie wakes is to laughter, voices, happiness. And light, warm coming from the open curtains.

Light that enters and warms his heart.

He stirs with the realization that maybe the road is still long to get to the point of healing.

Acknowledging that is the first step in the process, it’s like letting the light in, as Buck said earlier.

When he moves out of bed, he feels a bit lighter. Well, sore, but lighter. And by the time he gets out of the shower and reaches Chris and Buck he feels better, happier even.

It will take a while, but they’ll eventually get there at some point. But they have time, now. They’ll have time. Time to live, to be happy, to grow, to heal.