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She stands and finishes, eyes flickering as she gets ready in the white, white room.
Need to be clean, check the outfit- for stains, for stray threads, for wrinkles, all these can cause Punishments.
Shirt. White. Ironed. Clean.
Socks. Black. Clean.
Pants. Black. Pressed. Clean.
She's clean, she's clean- Do Not Sit once clean, food is Not Allowed once clean, water is Not Allowed once clean. have to Wait. need to Wait.
Tie- find a tie, find the tie- Charity, she said charity with upwards tic on the middle syllable which means bow tie, not white, not black, a color, which color, a color- ah, there's a new one, navy blue, dark to deter sight, light to deter confusion of black. Tie bow tie, Check, fix- Tie is in place.
Shoes. Polished. Black, silent soles, silent soles else the Nails, silent soles mean-
Stop. Don't think. Swallow down. Head to the mirror for one last check.
Outfit. No stains, no wrinkles, clean. Presentable.
Hair. Cut, gelled, fitting, invisible.
Skin. Clean, no blemishes, no marks.
Eyes-
Scared.
No, that can't happen. Eyes must be shiny, eyes must be polished, eyes must not show-
A shadow appears in her doorway. Mother is here.
Mother is beautiful, in a navy blue gown, a wave of night. her spun gold hair appearing soft as it spills down the pale sandstone of a shoulder, as her ruby lips purse, as her face. The Mother's Face.
Terrifying. That is what she feels, when she looks at the being in front of her.
Mother gives her a glance. "Well, look at you." Mother gives her a sneer. A surprise sneer. A happy sneer. "The Replaceable can actually look presentable."
She doesn't blink, just waits.
"At least someone can look decent and on time," Mother calls out to Father, and oh, inflection, inflection, Mother is Angry, Father angered the Mother, Father does not answer, cannot answer, else the Hands will come out and make them even later.
Please do not answer.
Father enters her doorway, finishing adjusting his own matching tie. Nothing is shown on his face, even though Mother definitely Punished Father earlier, she is wise enough to not let it show on any visible skin, and Father is smart enough to act Normal and Good. She thinks it was the belt. Mother likes the belt for Father.
Mother likes using the Hands for her.
Stop. Don't think. Swallow down, swallow down.
Mother leans down, and her face looks soft. Dangerous- that's what it means for Mother. Dangerous. Dangerous.
Mother sighs. " Tonight, I need you to behave, after all, you may be Trash, but you are my Trash. You'll behave, won't you." A smile. Tight at the edges, soft in the middle. "You'll be my little Secret Tool, won't you."
She nods.
Mother's eyes are dangerous.
If she Behaves, if she is a Tool (a Tool! Not Trash!) she will get a Reward and not a Punishment like Father.
If she Behaves, she will get a Reward and not the Hands.
All she has to do is Behave, be Mother's Tool, and survive the night. That is her objective: survive. And wait.
Wait.
Wait.
She gazes out the window as they drive to the Charity Event.
Mother doesn't mind, or rather, doesn't care that she gazes out the window. Mother is usually busy texting or calling or updating or getting information for her to care about something silly like a Replaceable, a piece of Trash looking out the window. Father is usually helping Mother, or busy with his own needs, his own head, so he doesn't mind or pay attention to that as well.
They drove through four stops lights before turning right- heading to Oldtown, brick buildings, quiet corners, and vents too small for even her to crawl through. Oldtown was touristy, Neal said once. Oldtown was for marks.
She looks up at Mother and can guess why Mother likes Oldtown.
They arrive at a big, brick building, not too early, not too late. Later than Mother would want, but that is Father's problem, not hers.
She wishes it wasn't. She wishes sometimes that Father would act like the other Fathers she sees from the windows, down on the pavement, what she sees when she Escapes. Those Father's hug children, and smile and hold hands with their children. Those Fathers take their children to places called Playgrounds and chase them, but the children do not mind, they laugh. When she Explores and Searches, she hears children talk with their Fathers, call them Dad or Daddy. Fathers then call their children Sweetheart, or Honey, or Darling.
She looked it up once. These are called Terms of Endearment. Which is not like Terms of Agreement, or Terms of Service. She thought it was strange, yet made her warm inside.
They have arrived.
They step out onto the carpet, no cameras, but guests, people (marks), milling about. She arranges herself into a Tool.
Smile with grace, with dignity. Let it reach your eyes. Smiles Must Reach Eyes. Do not Grin, do not Beam. You are Mother's tool for tonight. Think small happy thoughts. Mother's happy sneer. The Good Grades on Lessons. A bird landed on the balcony three nights ago, and stayed until she counted to sixty twice. Small happy thoughts. Small happy thoughts.
Mother says nothing so she is Behaving Right. Mother's hand is around Father's arm, and his smile is Not Reaching His Eyes. That is Bad. Smiles Must Reach Eyes. She notices that Mother is tightening her grip on Father's arm.
She thinks she would like a Dad. A Dad looks nice to hold hands with.
Alas, Father is Father and like her, he must protect himself from Mother.
Last time she tried to help Father, Mother made him use the Hands, dragging her to the bathroom and-
Hands, hands, h a n d s, choking her, keeping her under the water, Father's eyes so angry, angry.
Swallow down, swallow down, Smiles Must Reach Eyes.
She smiles, smiles, and Mother's Hand is tightening on Father's arm, but she says nothing.
Survival of the Fittest, and all.
It is a Charity Event.
It is Boring.
It is the same people, which means Mother did not tell her to "Pay attention" because it is a Charity Event, and not a Charity Event. It is the same movements as before.
Smile. Look smart, but not too smart, innocent but not too innocent. Add a twinkle to the eye for the older, be more quiet for the younger. Women are to be given compliments of beauty, men compliments of smarts. Smile with a hint of teeth, Do Not Grin, Do Not Grimace, Smiles Must Reach Eyes.
Women coo and call her with the wrong name, the wrong things. Men laugh and pat her shoulder, but do not ruffle her hair, Mother would Hate That. Luckily they understand instinctively who Mother is, and pat her shoulder and call her "champ."
She hates champ.
She smiles and Smiles Reaches Eyes.
Eventually she is by Mother's side, waiting, waiting, when she feels Mother's nails on the back of her neck, an illusion of a gesture of affection but it actually A Signal.
It is time to be a Tool, to Network.
She slips away.
The trick, she found, is to Look Important and Yet Not.
She cannot stick to the shadows like when she Explores and Searches. She cannot HideWaitRun, she must GlideHoldWalk, she must think of herself as Invisible and Unimportant, but move like them, Visible and Important, so All of Them will think of her as nothing.
To Ghost during any event is her strongest skill.
She is nothing, she is silence, she is air.
As she Ghosts, she catches snippets of conversation.
Two people may be or may not be cheating. Irrelevant.
Hints of a teen daughter caught with drugs. Irrelevant.
Sons, daughters in College, in Workforces. Irrelevant.
Queen Industries. Irrelevant, but she notes to Google Queen Industries later. They are Arrows and It Is Best to keep up with Arrows.
She Ghosts out of the ballroom, listening and discarding, Networking. Mother already knows this, or will have Father know this. Mother doesn't need to know about this man, this woman. She doesn't need to know about drugs or cheating, or who is going to which College and Why. She is going to the important Networking. She is good at that.
That is why she is still Networking for Mother.
She Ghosts into the Hallway, slipping to where there is the kitchen, where there are service carts with plates, trays. One in particular is draped in black, laden with food.
Black means Important and Business.
She crawls underneath.
Underneath it is empty, which is Helpful. She sits underneath, on the service cart, and waits.
It starts rolling, jostling. She is Still and She Waits.
They roll to an elevator. Go up. Roll out, swing left, left, wait. Waiter enters, no knocking.
Rolls inside.
Fire noises. Clean smell. Silence. No one is here.
Waiter leaves, door closes, steps gone.
Move.
She dashes out, there, she sees a card table, slipping under to shove Mother's recorder in the divot, hidden, unseen. She rushed back, yes, there, cupboard, open, empty, perfect.
She shoves herself into the cupboard, closing the door, and Waits.
She had Prepared for this. Time before today. As Mother needs Information, needs to Network, Mother had told her to Prepare. Her eyes had flashed and her nails had almost became the Nails, but Mother held back. Mother had given her the information for her Networking, told her that They Will Be Playing Cards, because Men. Mother had said the last part with a snarl, and after, she could see Father limping as he got ready for their Date Out.
Her back hurts. Her neck hurts. Already she wants to be out of the small space, as it is cramped and dark and stuffy. Her feet hurt. She wants to go to the Penthouse.
No, not there.
Ah. Someone is opening the door.
Voices. Six maybe Seven men. Deep. Dark. Business Men Voices, which means that they will be talking about Business, and for Mother, that makes her Happy.
She cannot hear the Business Men Voices, low murmurs and such, but that is fine. She is only here to Wait and Retrieve. It would be Too Stupid to try and listen to Business and she is Replaceable. She will not go in Business, in College or School. She is Grateful she has Lessons at all.
Mother reminds her that Replaceables do not usually get Lessons and Beds and Ceilings from Rain. Replaceables are left in the street so that Bad People, Horrible People, can Destroy Replaceables. Replaceables should be Grateful at the Parents who are Generous to give Replaceables benefits, like not throwing out Replaceables. Replaceables can Work, like Networking, to Earn Rewards like Food, or even better yet Safe Time.
She's hoping for Safe Time. Food is great, but Safe Time is Better.
Safe Time is when they leave her alone and she can breathe. The Parents leave her alone but she doesn't have to worry about Mother and Father and the Hands. Safe Time means she can get food as well as Explore and Search, not have to worry about the Parents and Punishments. And maybe she can see the Arrows.
She likes watching the Arrows. She does not get too close, because being caught by an Arrow is Bad- but she likes watching them fight and scale the buildings. And if she's lucky, if she's super, super lucky-
She gets to see a Bat.
Not always. It's very, very rare- she's only seen a Bat once in Star City, although sometimes the Parents take her to Gotham and she gets to see them there.
She loves the Bats. The Bats run on buildings and have things like grappling hooks and don't try and shove children into Systems. Some are scary, like Red Hood or Black Bat, but there's one that dresses in yellow and you can't be scary dressed in yellow.
Though most of the time, Explore and Search means she finds new Treasures, or Sellables. Sellables mean Money and Money means food. Money means safe passages, as she gives to the Other Ones who look for Sellables. Or to the River Man.
She likes the River Man. He sings songs and gives little charms for her Hide Spots, and says things like "another's man trash is another's man's treasure." He gathers what people have given away, thrown out. He doesn't just see Trash, he sees Treasure.
She wishes she was a Treasure. But no, she is Trash.
She is worried. Mother is going to throw her away soon, that's what Mother says. After all, she isn't a Tool, not really, just Replaceable and she is Trash and Trash Must Be Thrown Out. Soon Mother will have a Real Child and she will be In the System. She read online the articles, the information about the System. The System is Bad.
She wishes she was older. If she was older, then she could get a Job and work for Money, not Rewards, and have a Home. Like Mama Leonine's Home, or like the stories Neal talks about their Home. A Home just for her. Her Home would have food that she could eat any time of day, and clocks so she can tell what time of day, and places to Hide. She would have warm floors and colorful walls, and no white walls and cold floors. She would have pillows and blankets just like in Mama Leonine's Home and clean ceilings, also like in Mama's Home. She would have places to keep her Treasures, and her Sellables, and maybe, just maybe, she would also go to College and get a Better Job so she can have all the Safe Time in the world. And maybe, maybe-
In her Home she can be a Girl and not lie about it. She could wear...skirts. and have Things in her hair. She could have a million skirts. A closet of skirts and. Dresses. She could have a Secret Place for her dresses and they would be Hers. She wouldn't even be upset if she couldn't wear them, she would be so happy if she could just own them. Let her hands run over the fabric, and not get Punished, because they would be Hers.
She closes her eyes, shoving her face into her knees, hiding her grin.
Maybe she would be able to get enough Money for a Dad. Oh, but he would not be a True Dad, because she is Replaceable and Replaceables Do Not Get Nice Things (Not Without Price or Punishment) but maybe a Dad isn't what she thought? Maybe a Dad isn't a Father and you only get one Father, maybe she could pay for a Dad, like a Supervisor or Manager, like Mr. Smithson of the Finance Department, or Mr. Kiehl of Human Resources at the Company.
A Mr. Dad of the Dad Department.
The thought warms her.
A Mr. Dad for Her, and he would be on Payroll and have a contract, and have things like insurance, and he would- hold her hand. When she asked. He would- not hurt her, or call her Trash. He would use her Real Name and be Nice. He would- hug her. Smile a Real Smile at her, but he wouldn't have to do it often, she would not be cruel, just like at the end of each month, yes. He would- he would let her follow him and not leave. He would teach her Stuff and maybe they would Have Conversations and he would-
Oh, the Voices are leaving.
Heavy Steps walk out. The door closes.
Wait.
Business Men are Dangerous. And she is Networking so she must be Careful.
Wait.
There is nothing. Cigarette smoke is still wafting in.
Wait.
There.
A creak, heavy footsteps walk towards the cupboard.
Hold breath.
She is nothing. She is silence. She is air.
Hold breath.
she is Nothing. she is Silence. she is Air.
The footsteps fade to the door. Door opens. Footsteps walk out. Door closes.
Wait.
Crawl out. Go to Card Table. Remove Device. Slip in pocket. Slip out of room.
Head to bathroom. Unused. Wash hands, check face. Pat away sweat. Leave.
Back to hallway.
Breathe.
Reappear.
"Oh!" Older Lady. Losing her riches, by clothes, by jewelry. Outdated, stray threads from shedding fabric, even though she's trying her best not to show it. Face, places her around sixties, wrinkles around eyes, lips, cheeks. Graying roots showing- losing money, unable to upkeep standard of physical maintenance. Eyes show that Lady thinks she's kind. "Are you looking for your mother?"
Mother appears.
"There you are," Mother laughs. "Goodness, where have you been, you rapscallion."
Bad. Took too long. Don't panic. Don't break.
Smile. Lie. Bathroom? Bathroom- line too long and went to find a different one. Mother rolls her eyes, Lady laughs.
Father is arriving. Ah. They are leaving.
The Parents say their goodbyes. Mother says nothing until they are home, until they are away from eyes to hold out a hand.
She passes the recording device to Mother, and waits.
"Well." Mother starts after listening (she will not Listen, because she is Replaceable and therefore Trash and therefore She Must Not Listen) "At least you got something of use." Mother glares at Father, who flinches and that is Not Good. Mother's eyes narrow. He will be Punished tonight.
"We will be leaving two days from now," she says, closing her hand with a click, and the day is meaningless, only that it is in two days, which means she got her Reward. The best Reward. "Do not call us. Warren, bedroom." Mother turns, leaving them, leaving them alone, and Father is going to be Punished but Mother is leaving her alone. She is dismissed.
She heads into the bedroom. With it's white walls and white floors and white furniture. With it's cold floors and cold walls and cold sheets that never feel warm. She carefully removes the black suit, pressed and perfect, hanging it carefully into the closet. She does not concern herself with clothes right now, fine with just her (ugly) underwear- Mother is still not pleased with her Lateness, so she will be Hiding in the bedroom until Safe Time starts, and she is hot and itchy from the suit. Later, she will sneak out for water, food, but now she is tired.
She crawls underneath the bed, back to the wall, to the farthest corner, to the shadows, curled to protect the soft parts of her body. Shoulders protecting the neck. Eyes out to face the outer, to Watch. Faintly, she hears a thump, and her Father cry out.
She is relieved that it is not her. It is not her, and she Behaved and got a Reward. Mother will not bother with her, as long as she stays in the bedroom and then Mother will be gone with Father and she will have Safe Time.
She is happy.
She survived.
...At the moment.