Chapter Text
“DAMN IT!” Dan yelled as he threw the empty pudding cup into the break room’s trash bin. “THATS IT! I’VE HAD ENOUGH!”
Dan had just wrapped up a particularly difficult case that he had been swamped with all day, and that pudding cup was the one thing he had to look forward to. But of course, when he FINALLY had some free time to enjoy it, he found it already empty, and sitting on the counter.
Ella watched Dan from the other side of the room, mixing her own coffee, with concern. “Buddy, it’s just pudding. Don’tcha think you might be overreacting just a little bit?”
Dan laughed humorlessly. “It’s not just pudding, Ella! A man’s snacks are supposed to be sacred, and Lucifer knows exactly what he’s doing!”
“You don’t even know if Lucifer’s the one doing it.” Ella tried to reason.
“Oh, trust me, Lucifer is the one behind this. He’s always determined to find new ways to torture me!”
Ella snorted. “And trust me. I grew up with four brothers. The stuff that Lucifer does to you isn’t nearly as bad as the stuff they used to put me through. One time, Ricardo snuck purple dye into my shampoo! But it backfired when our abuela borrowed the shampoo before I had the chance to use it. And oooooohhh boy, did she put the fear of God into him! I almost felt bad for him…. Almost.”
Dan nodded along to her story, but then glared hatefully at the empty pudding cup. Fine, if Lucifer wasn’t going to stop, then Dan would take advantage of it.
“That’s it. I’m not taking it anymore. I’m going to get back at him.” Dan promised with complete conviction.
Ella raised an eyebrow. “You sound like a Bond villain. What are you gonna do, wage a pudding war?” Ella said jokingly.
But Dan took it a little more seriously. “Pudding Wars.” He said with a grin. “Got a nice ring to it.”
——————
“Dan, you know I love you, but this is cray-cray.” Ella said as she watched her friend set up the nanny cam on the opposite wall of the fridge. “Are you even allowed to set up your own cameras in the precinct?”
“Were you allowed to steal cars before you worked for the police?” Dan shot back.
“Everyone’s allowed to have hobbies, Dan. But this is loco! It’s JUST PUDDING!” Ella just couldn’t understand men sometimes.
“We need to catch him in the act.” Dan reasoned as he connected a wire.
“YOU need to catch him in the act. Not WE.” Ella clarified and shielded her hands in front of herself. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned with having brothers, it’s that you don’t, under any circumstances, get in between them when they’ve got beef. No matter how silly or completely bonkers it is.”
“It’s not bonkers, Ella. I’ve thought this through completely.” Dan defended.
“Have you? Have you really?”
“Yes.” No.
——————
The next day, Dan came into the break room to find his pudding cup empty on the counter, with a sticky note stuck to it. Dan frowned as he read it, and then he pulled out his phone to watch the recorded video from the day.
Ten minutes later, he furiously slammed the pudding cup onto the table in the forensics lab, making Ella jump from where she was examining fingerprints.
“That son of a bitch!” Dan exclaimed.
Ella knitted her brow, and then she read the sticky note on the cup. “‘Pathetic attempt, Daniel.’?”
Dan nodded. “Still think Lucifer isn’t behind this? Who else calls me Daniel?”
Ella really couldn’t argue that. This had Lucifer written all over it.
“Watch this.” Dan said as he thrust his phone into her hands, and clicked play on the video. Ella watched, and saw the break room empty. And then a few seconds later the video goes black. And about ten minutes later, it comes on again, and the empty pudding cup is on the counter with the sticky note.
“For once, I have no words.” Ella admitted as she handed the phone back to him.
“He’s unbelievable!” Dan exclaimed angrily. “How did he even DO that?! And who messes with a police camera over PUDDING?!”
Ella tried, she really did, but she couldn’t contain the fit of giggles from escaping her lips. “Coming from the guy who SET UP
THE CAMERA IN THE FIRST PLACE!”
Dan glared at her with betrayal. “This isn’t funny, Ella! It’s serious!”
Which only managed to accomplish making her laugh harder. “I-it’s like m-my childhood a-all over again! Why don’t you just put laxatives in your next pudding like my brothers did?”
Ella’s laughs died down when she noticed Dan’s quiet contemplation.
“But don’t actually do that! I was only joking!” She tried to clarify, but it was already too late.
Dan smiled wickedly as he picked up the pudding cup, tossed it in the air only to catch it again. “Thanks, Ella. That might just work.” And with that, he exited the lab with a spring in his step.
Ella took a page out of Chloe’s book and sighed dramatically with an eye roll.
How Decker managed to deal with those two man-babies, Ella would never know.
—————-
Dan was sitting at his desk two days later, going over grueling paperwork, when he heard his least favorite British voice.
“Hello, Daniel.” Lucifer said with his signature arrogance when he leaned against Dan’s desk like he owned it.
Dan used his very best improv skills to stop himself from smiling when he saw the already half-eaten pudding cup in Lucifer’s hands.
The night before, Dan had crushed and mixed several laxatives into the pudding, and then carefully glued the lid back on. Dan had made sure to write his name in big readable letters more than usual. He had briefly considered putting other things in the pudding, but then realized that he didn’t want to risk going to prison over accidental murder… Though the thought was sometimes appealing.
“Is the Detective around?” Lucifer asked before he scooped a large spoonful of the pudding into his mouth.
Yeah, just keep eating, buddy.
“No, she had to go to some last minute meeting over procedures. She won’t be back till tomorrow.” Dan said.
He was glad that she wasn’t there to scold him over this, since she would definitely figure it out. You didn’t get the best closure rate in the department for nothing.
Lucifer groaned dramatically. “Well, that won’t do at all! I was looking forward to a day of crime solving and punishing Earth’s filth.”
Dan shrugged. “I don’t know what else to tell you, man.”
Lucifer scoffed and mumbled something about ‘useless’ and ‘Dan’.
“Alright then, I will go see what Miss Lopez is up to. Whatever it may be, it will certainly be more interesting than-“ Lucifer gestured vaguely at Dan and the paperwork. “-this.”
And with that, the devil walked off to the lab, still eating the chocolate pudding. Finally, Dan allowed himself to smile.
But it was all for nought.
Lucifer had hung out around the precinct for most of the day. Chatting with officers, flirting with attractive witnesses, and even got a confession with his mojo (Which Dan still couldn’t understand).
Dan had been watching Lucifer like a hawk, and yet, he didn’t see him go to the bathroom ONCE. Not even to take a piss. Much less to suffer the consequences of his thievish ways.
Dan was positive that he had left the right pudding out today. He had checked the fridge twice to make sure that Lucifer had gotten the right one. And then he had checked another three times for good measure. It was boggling.
Had all the drugs, alcohol, and things Dan didn’t even want to know about, messed with Lucifer’s body to the point that a few laxatives didn’t even effect him?
Lucifer was currently talking to a suspect in the interrogation room (talk wasn’t the right word, it was more like flirt since the suspect in question was an up and coming supermodel. Go figure). And Dan and Ella were staring at him through the one-way glass in perplexmxent.
“Are you totally positive that you gave him the right one?” Ella asked.
“Completely positive.” Dan confirmed, though he was feeling very unsure of himself.
“And you’re sure he ate it?”
“I saw him eat it!” Dan threw his hands up in astonishment.
“You don’t think he went to the little boys room when you weren’t looking, do you?”
“I was watching him so closely that he could’ve gotten a court to agree to a restraining order.” Dan said with a shake of his head.
“Maybe he really is the devil.” Dan suggested.
They shared a look, and then both scoffed at the ridiculous thought.
“That dude’s got one heck of a tolerance.” Ella said while shaking her head. She bit her lip when an intrusive idea popped into her mind.
A part of Ella wanted to share this idea with Dan, while the other remembered all the times she participated in her brother’s prank wars, and how disastrous it had ended for her (It had taken months for the bald spot to start growing hair again).
But one look at Dan’s defeated expression crumbled her resolve. With a heavy sigh, Ella admitted- “I might have an idea.”
———————
Three days later, Ella presented the normal looking pudding cup to Dan in the lab, with the door behind them firmly closed.
Dan examined it with interest as Ella beamed with pride. If she was gonna get sucked into the boys’ shenanigans, then she may as well enjoy it before the whole thing inevitably blew up in their faces.
“So, this will explode in Lucifer’s face when he opens it?” Dan asked. They had already gone over this when Ella had first presented the idea.
The scientist nodded. “Yep! When Lucifer opens it and oxygen floods in, the whole thing will go boom and stick all over him. It’s not dangerous or anything, but we may have to pay for several washes through the dry cleaners.” Ella spoke from experience. She refused to think about that one prank in high school that had gone horribly awry.
Dan smiled at the mental image. “Thanks, Ella. I owe you one!”
“Yeah, but don’t tell anyone you got it from me!” Ella said, then motioned locking her mouth and throwing away the key. Dan mimicked her gestures and took the pudding to the fridge.
——————
Dan was once again sitting at his desk when Lucifer approached him, still closed pudding in hand.
“Hello, Daniel. Do you mind? I’m having the sudden craving for sugary goodies that deteriorates human teeth over time.” Lucifer condescendingly, fully expecting Dan to snatch the dessert from him.
“You know what? Go right ahead, I’m not hungry today.” Dan said cooly, trying to keep a straight face.
Lucifer’s eyebrows raised in surprise, and he glanced between Dan and the pudding cup. “Lovely..” Lucifer said cheerfully, though his eyes displayed hints of suspicion.
Lucifer grabbed the end of the lid to pull it off, but paused when he noticed Daniel perk up ever so slightly.
Then Lucifer smiled devilishly when the noticed someone in the corner of his eye. “Maze!” Lucifer said cheerfully when the demon passed by after dropping off her latest bounty.
“Here, take this. You look absolutely famished!” Lucifer said as he thrust the pudding cup into Maze’s hands.
Maze looked at him quizzically, but then shrugged. “Eh, why not? I was already planning on taking it anyway.”
“Wait!” Dan said just as Maze was about to pull the lid off. “Don’t open it, Maze.” Dan said worriedly, knowing full well that his manly parts would be in mortal danger in Maze fell victim to the prank. At least with Lucifer, Chloe was there to act as a buffer. But there was no escaping Mazikeen Smith.
“Why?” Maze questioned, raising a single scarred eyebrow.
“Yes, why shouldn’t she open it, Daniel?” Lucifer asked with a gleam in his eyes.
He knew.
The bastard knew.
Dan sighed heavily, knowing that it was useless. He simply stood up, took the cup from Maze’s hands, and dumped it into the trash in defeat.
And just to add insult to injury, the pudding exploded and got all over Dan’s desk and pants.
——————
Dan and Ella had tried a few other things, but Lucifer was always somehow one step ahead of them every time. They eventually decided to give up after prank #37 failed.
——————
Dan knew.
He knew everything.
Dan had gotten the shock of his life when he had accidentally seen Lucifer’s devil face, and his entire world view flipped upside-down.
Eventually he had come to terms with everything, but it wasn’t easy. A lot of stuff now weirdly made sense about his co-worker from Hell.
Like the laxatives, for example. Apparently, unless Chloe was around, things such as that wouldn’t even be noticeable to him.
Which had left a question in Dan’s mind. If the laxatives hadn’t worked when Chloe wasn’t around, then what would happen if she was?
“Hey, Dan?” Chloe startled Dan out of his thoughts regarding Heaven and Hell when she came by his desk. “Yeah?” Dan asked once his heartbeat went down.
“Can you take Trixie tonight? Lucifer and I are going to be heading to Joshua Tree National Park in about an hour to question some witnesses. We should be back before then, but just in case.”
Dan nodded. “Yeah, of course.” And then a light bulb clicked on. “Wait, Joshua Tree is about two hours from here, right?”
“A little over that, especially if you factor in traffic, but yes.”
“… And you and Lucifer will be in the car, in a confined space, for over two hours?”
Chloe frowned at the odd questions. “That’s the plan.”
Suddenly, Dan felt hopeful again.
——————
Dan had to rush to get the special pudding ready, but he was able to with time to spare. Now he just had to wait for Lucifer to take the bait.
And, just as predicted, as the partners were leaving for their next case, Lucifer held up Dan’s pudding with a wink.
“One for the road.” The devil had explained, and then they left.
——————
It was late by the time the devil and detective came back home, and Dan was waiting for them while watching tv on the couch.
Lucifer’s hair was uncharacteristically rumpled and his clothes were a wrinkled mess. He had shed his jacket and vest entirely, holding them under one arm. The part about the devil’s appearance that was the most alarming, was how utterly miserable he looked.
Chloe looked tired herself, but she also displayed sympathy when her gaze met her partner.
“Rough night?” Dan asked innocently as he ate the leftover pizza. Dan also happened to be watching a documentary about how processed meat was made.
Lucifer looked like he wanted to vomit when he noticed these things, and his stomach made a strange gurgling sound.
“I thought that you were taking Trixie to your place?” Chloe asked as she placed her purse on the couch.
“I was, but one of my neighbors was having a party, so she couldn’t sleep.” Well, calling Mrs. Andrews monthly book-club a party was stretching it, but Dan had desperately wanted to see the state Lucifer was in when they returned.
“Okay, well, thanks for watching her.” Chloe said. “Goodbye, Daniel.” Lucifer said dismissively, not having the energy to come up with a witty insult and just wanting him gone.
Dan shrugged and got up. In the show, they then began to start mixing some sort of pink slime in an industrial sized mixer, and Lucifer felt bile rise in his throat at the sight.
Dan followed the devil’s gaze, and tried to hide his smirk. “Yeah, you wouldn’t believe some of the stuff they put in hot dogs. That right there, is called meat slurry. It’s this reconstituted meat that-“
Lucifer interrupted him by pulling Dan’s arms and literally shoving him out the door. “I said goodbye, Daniel!” Lucifer said, having no patience left.
Dan stood on the doorstep, and finally allowed the victorious smile to spread across his face. “Okay, man. But just tell me one thing, did you like the special ingredient I put in the pudding today?”
Dan was already running to his car as Lucifer’s face first expressed confusion, then realization, and finally fury.
“YOU BASTARD!” Lucifer exclaimed as Dan was already peeling out of the driveway.
Lucifer began to follow him, planning on showing Daniel the true horrors of Hell, when another wave of pain hit him. Lucifer stood in the doorway, conflicted. But then with a curse, he ran to the Detective’s bathroom, and locked the door behind him.
This was worse than getting shot.